The Royle Family (1998) s99e01 Episode Script
The Queen of Sheba
OASIS: Half the World Away I would like to leave this city This old town don't smell too pretty And I can feel the warning signs Running around my mind So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that were mine anyway Half the world away Half the world away Half the world away (Motor whirs) (Jim hums Walk The Line) (Sings) I keep a close watch on this heart of mine I keep my eyes wide open all the time I keep the ends out for to tie the bind Because you're mine I walk the line Be dee-dee de He walks the line I find it very, very easy to be true I find myself alone when each day is through (Hums) Here we go.
(Changes channel) Pwah! He's like a bloody bad smell, that Noel Edmonds, isn't he? - Yeah.
- Eh? I wish someone would put him in one of those bloody boxes and bury it.
(Changes channel) Oh, shite! Graham Norton! What the bloody hell's going on here, Barb? It was fine when you had Larry Grayson, your novelty gay, but now it's a bloody novelty if you ever see anyone straight on the television.
Gays can get married now, you know, Jim.
I know they bloody can.
I don't know what the world's coming to.
- You know who kicked all that off? - Who? Elton bloody John.
Oh.
- What's that fella he married called? - David Furnish.
Oh, aye, that's the soft sod, yeah.
I bet his candle's given him wind a few bloody times, an' all! - Oh, Jim.
(Doorbell) Get that will you, Barb.
That'll be Dr Who and Rose.
- Hiya, Mam.
- Hello, Denise.
You all right? - Hello, Dave.
You all right? - Hi, Barbara.
Hello, little David.
Give your Nana a big hug.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, love.
How are you? All right, James? Oh! How are you, little David? Come on.
Hup above.
Down below.
To the side.
Too slow.
Have you had your tea? Yeah.
What did you have? Well, I made little David turkey twizzlers and chips.
What did you have? Erm Turkey twizzlers and chips.
Did you like your turkey twizzlers, David? BOTH: Yeah.
BARBARA: Aw.
Have you had a good day at school, little David? Yeah.
Did you do any reading? Yeah.
Did you do any writing? Yeah.
Oh.
(Chuckles) ln't he coming on, our Denise? Yeah.
Can I have The Simpsons on, Grandad? Now, now.
What do we say? Can I have The Simpsons on, please? No! - Can I watch upstairs, Nana, please? - Of course you can, love.
Thanks.
He's a sociable little fella, isn't he? Aw.
Oh, that reminds me, Mam.
Can little David stay over here on Friday? Oh, yeah, course he can.
What time till? Till Monday.
Oh, yeah.
OK, then.
Yeah.
Why, what you doing? Well, we fancied a little break away.
Ooh! Where to? No, no.
Away from little David.
Oh, right.
You see, Dave really needs to spend some quality time on his own in The Feathers, and I've got loads of catching up to do.
What with Trisha and Jeremy Kyle.
She Sky-Plused 'em, Barbara.
(Gasps) Did you, Denise? Oh, well done.
How's our little David doing at school? Do you know how we thought he had attention deficit disorder? Yeah.
It turned out, he just couldn't be bothered concentrating.
Oh.
Could he, Dave? - What? - Little David not concentrating.
Oh, yeah.
He's got attention deficit disorder, Barbara.
No, he's not, Dave! They told us that.
Oh, yeah, they did, yeah.
How's he been behaving this week? Well, I had to put him on the naughty chair four times last night.
- Swearing again? - Yeah.
- What did he say? - "Homework, my arse.
" Thing is, though, it's always me dishing out the discipline with him.
Dave's dead soft with him.
I put little David in the naughty chair and Dave goes and sits in there with him.
Oh, do you, Dave? That's very thoughtful of you.
Naughty bloody chair? What a waste of bloody time that is! That's why the country's in such a bloody mess.
We're trying to fight crime with a bloody naughty chair! Gor blimey.
Who's been in the naughty chair? Aw, are you awake, Nana? Yeah.
Who's that? Oh! Hello, Denise! Hiya, Nana.
- Are you awake, Nana? - Yeah.
Hello, David.
Hiya, Nana.
- Are you awake, Mum? - Oh, yeah.
Hello, Barbara.
Hiya, Mam.
Jim, Mam's awake.
Oh, better luck next time, eh? (Door opens) - Hiya.
- Hello, Cheggo! - Hello, Cheryl.
Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yes, I am.
Hello, Cheryl.
Hiya.
Your bag looks a bit full.
Shall I empty it again, Barbara? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Cheryl.
Isn't she good, eh, Cheryl? Yeah.
She'd have made a lovely nurse.
Oh, yeah.
She's only lugging a bag of piss.
It's hardly keyhole surgery.
Well, you wouldn't do it.
I'd love one of them bags.
Dave, wouldn't you? You'd hardly miss any telly.
Oh, no.
I fancied one for the last World Cup game, but the National Healthphff didn't want to know.
Ta, Cheryl.
Aw, thanks, Cheryl.
It's a messy job, isn't it? Have you washed your hands, love? No, you're all right.
Sit down.
You're amongst friends.
Have you got the Evening News tonight? - Is it in, babes? - Yeah.
Dad, have you got the Evening News? Cheryl's ad's in Matchmaker Matchmaker.
What? The lonely hearts? (Chuckles) There you are, Cheggo.
What happened to that bloke you was writing to for ages.
What happened there? Oh, well, I sent him a picture, like he asked, and then I never heard anything.
(Jim laughs) Well, there wasn't much future in it, really.
Wasn't he in for life? Yeah.
Here it is.
Ooh.
- Let's have a look.
- What does it say, Barb? Hang on, hang on.
(Reads) Charismatic 30s female.
No! Read Cheryl's out.
Oh.
(Reads) Bubbly, cuddly, likes going out for meals, or staying in for meals.
Both vegetarian and meat-eaters considered.
DENlSE: Oh, good thinking, babes.
(Reads) Looking for friendship/love with male aged: any.
Able-bodied or otherwise.
Skin colour: not essential.
No height restrictions.
Bloody hell, you're not a roller coaster, are you? (Reads) Own vehicle not necessary as father will pick up and drop off.
" You know what the problem is here, don't you? You're playing too bloody hard to get, girl.
Ha ha! - Oh, Cheryl.
It's lovely.
- I think it's great.
So, you just press this button here and away you go.
This one? (Music through headphones) Love is a burning thing It makes a fiery ring Barbara! Barbara, I've got Johnny Cash in my ears.
Hey, Antony.
Antony, does this thing play cassettes as well? No, Nana, it's just CDs.
Have you got cassettes? No.
Are you going to stay for your tea? It's chops.
No, I'm on my way to a conference in Milton Keynes.
Ooh.
BOTH: Milton Keynes.
Our Antony.
Fancy that.
Oh! Listen, how's little Lewis? He's great, yeah.
His piano tutor's round tonight.
(Mouths) And umhow's it going with Sarah? Er Yeah, good.
You know? All right.
Yeah, all right.
'Ey up.
It's Alan Sugar.
How are you, Lurkio? - Yeah, all right, Dad.
- Jim! Jim! Our Antony's going to a conference in Milton Keynes.
A conference in Milton Keynes, eh? That's bloody great, that, lad.
So, shall I put the kettle on, then? - Oh, yes.
- No, no, no.
You sit down.
I'll go and make it.
You save your energy for the bloody conference, son.
Can I have a coffee, please? - Have we got any coffee, Barb? - Yeah, yeah.
It's in the top cupboard.
Do you want a KitKat to go with that, Lurk? Yes, please, yeah.
Or there's a mint Yo-yo.
- Or there's a Wagon Wheel doing nothing here.
- Anything, Dad.
Come and choose one, lad.
Dad, I'm not arsed.
Anything.
Come on.
I want you to pick.
You can even have a Club orange.
NANA: To a burning ring offire BOTH: Down, down, down And the flames went higher Well, I tell you what, lad, you look the bloody bees' knees.
You're doing really well, you've come a long way.
The old suit, that's cost a few bob, hasn't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Do you know who you remind me of? - No.
Roger Moore in the James Bond movies.
- Get away.
- Matching tie and all that.
Bloody hell.
Eh, I'm bloody proud of you, son.
Proud of you.
Glad to see you're doing well.
It's just that, well I've been a bit strapped for cash lately.
What with erinflation and everything.
How much do you want this time, Dad? I'd say 20 quid, son but I don't think that'll be enough, so can we call it 50 quid? - Bloody hell, Dad! - Lovely.
(Shouts) Do you want a Penguin with that, son? Can I take two? You greedy little git.
Who the bloody hell do you think you are? Eh? Swanning round at your conference in Milton bloody Keynes.
There's more to life than bloody money.
What about your family? Now, get in there and see your nana.
Go on! You selfish, selfish little sod! The flames went higher And burns, burns, burns A ring of fire A ring of fire Wee! Oh, that's me and you in The Feathers, Your Majesty.
Now, I'm on the piss again.
The piss again.
Would you like a large one, Your Majesty? Do you want a drink to go with it? Two large drinks, please, barman.
Leave yourself out this time.
(Dave reads) Luciana kicked the flat tyre of her Mustang in temper, without a care for her Manolo Blankets.
Shoes which had seemed so perfect in New York, but now only served to shout ""tourist!"" to the barefooted peasants of Tangier.
Luciana was in trouble and she knew it.
Through her tears she noticed something.
- A head in the road.
- Eh? Oh, sorry, Nana.
(Reads) She noticed something ahead in the road.
Ah.
It couldn't be, could it? Could it be him? Luciana's heart started pounding.
The Land Rover screeched to a halt, and the all-too-familiar figure of Dr Curtis Sinclair emerged.
Ooh.
Luciana started to feel herself Eh? .
.
weakening as she saw the steely determination of his gait.
Suddenly, she felt enveloped by his two strong arms.
Never had she felt so protected.
Not with Rico, not with Paulo, and certainly not with Demetrius.
Oh, no.
Not with him, no.
She felt his warm breath on the nape of her neck.
Every sinew in her body ached with desire for this gifted neurosurgeon.
She wondered how such strong hands could perform such delicate operations.
"l want you, Luciana," he whispered.
"I've wanted you since the moment I clasped my eyes on you, dancing alone in the fountain.
" His lips sought to quench the thirst of her rising passion.
She knew that this was the moment.
"Not here, Luciana, my angel," he whispered.
"Let's wait until Marrakech.
" What the bloody hell is Dr Curtis Sinclair playing at? I've got a little stiffie on here, and he wants to wait till Marrakech? David? David? What is a little stiffie? (Chuckles) She had to admit he had not put a foot out of line, as far as she was concerned TV:.
.
the country's most stunning scenery.
And I'll be watching life float by from the Nile as I holiday in Luxor.
For years, Egypt has been capturing the imagination of its visitors.
The wonder of the Pyramids, the magic of the temples.
But it's the Nile that's the lifeblood of this land, which is why I've decided to start my holiday with a cruise.
Sailing from Luxor to Aswan, the Ra docks in a different place every day.
How's your dad doing, Dave? Aye, smashing, yeah.
Aw.
Is his scalp still flaking? Yeah.
Is your mam still following him around with the Dyson? Yeah.
TV:.
.
tourists have been coming here for centuries, and it's easy to see why.
How's your diet going, Cheryl? I've started a new one.
- What is it, babes? - Mainly fruit and vegetables.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Cheryl.
But I have to have plenty of nuts as well.
But I forgot to take my nuts to work yesterday, so I just had a Topic.
That's very clever, Cheryl.
There's plenty of nuts in them.
Yeah.
And two Snickers.
Oh.
Do you like Snickers, Derek? I don't mind.
Oh! Aren't they well suited, Denise? Yeah.
I'm sorry you couldn't meet Denise's dad, Derek.
He won't come out of the kitchen.
He's sulking.
What's it over this time, Mam? It's OK.
She's asleep.
Well, tea time, it was.
He went to switch the telly over with the remote control and it wouldn't work.
Turns out your nana's taken the batteries out to put in that handheld fan of hers.
- Oh, poor nana.
- I know.
- What did he do? - Oh, he hit the roof.
He said he'd like to shove that fan right up your nana's arse.
Sideways.
- Anyone fancy a brew? - Oh, yes, please, Denise.
- Yeah? - Please, Denise.
Derek, babes, do you fancy a brew? Yes, please, Denise.
Dave, babes, everyone fancies a brew.
All right, Jim, what are you doing in here? Haven't you bloody heard? No.
What? The Queen of Bloody Sheba has only stolen the batteries out of my remote control! - What for? - To fan her bloody self.
That's what for.
So I had to sit for an hour and watch Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation.
Why didn't you just turn it over at the telly? Because that's what she wants! Me, up and down like a blue-arsed fly.
She's the puppet-master, pulling the strings, up and down.
Up and down.
She's got Barbara wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour and everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy to go for a bloody piss! Do you know what the crafty old cow's done, the wicked old witch? She stole the bloody batteries out of my bloody remote! And you know what? Everything in this house revolves round her now! - I'd not noticed.
- You've not noticed?! Bloody hell, lad! She's been lying flat on her back for the last six months where we used to sit and have our tea, and you haven't noticed? Bloody hell, Dave! You go in there and you tell Barbara I will not step foot in that room until I get my bloody batteries back in that.
- Barbara? - Yeah.
Jim says he's not stepping foot in that room till he gets his batteries back.
Oh, you see what I mean, Denise? You can tell him to get off his big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop.
She said, you can get off your big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop.
You tell her, if I do have to go to the shop and buy batteries that have been stolen from my bloody remote, I won't be coming back! - Barbara? - Yeah? Oh, hang on.
What did you say again, Jim? If I have to go to the shop and buy bloody batteries that have been stolen from my remote, I won't be coming back.
He says that if he has to go to the shop, he's never coming back.
Well, tell him, if he thinks more of his remote control than he does of his own family, he needn't bother coming back! - She said - I know what she said! I'm not bloody deaf.
I heard it, you bloody bitch! You streak ofpiss! Go on! Piss off! (Door slams) I think he's mad at me now, Barbara.
Oh, ignore him, Dave.
Ignore him, babes.
Are you all right, Derek? It's always a little bit awkward on a first date, in't it? Barbara? Hey, Barbara, I'm awake, Barbara.
Are you, Mam? Is he still in there? Yeah.
I do hope it had nothing to do with me.
Course it hasn't, Mum.
Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yeah.
Hello, Denise.
DAVE: Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yeah.
Hello, David.
Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yeah.
Hello, Cheryl.
Oh, Derek, you haven't met Nana yet, have you? Do you want to go over and meet her? You've only seen her asleep so far, haven't you? Go on, Derek babes.
DAVE: Go on, Derek.
- Oh, look, Derek's got a tail.
(All laugh) Derek's got a tail on his first date.
Cheryl, take that tail off Derek.
Sorry, Derek babes.
It's one of my er one of my extensions.
Hey, Derek.
Come on.
Come and meet Nana.
Come on.
All bow down for the Queen of Sheba! NANA: Sit down.
Do sit down.
Derek, this is Nana.
Nana, this is Derek.
(Posh voice) Hello, Derek.
Hello, Nana.
Ooh, er Just a minute.
Oooh.
You're lovely, Derek.
Derek, let me tell you Do you know what my favourite musical is? - No.
- Well, it's Annie.
And do you know, your hair has just reminded me of it.
The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun OTHERS: Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you, tomorrow You're only a day away Come on, Derek.
Come on, love.
Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you, tomorrow You're only a day away Oooh, do you know what? Come on! Come on, take me down the bloody shop! - Come on, lazy arse.
Move your bloody self! NANA: Tomorrow We're only a day away -Ooh.
- Ooh, Nana.
Ooh, Mary You know Elsie, my dead friend? Yes.
Well, her daughter Marion .
.
she's being laminated this weekend.
- What? - Mm.
You know, carpets up and wood lookalikey.
- Ooh, wood lookalikey.
How lovely for her.
- Hm.
Hm.
Haven't Denise and David been laminated? Ooh, yes, they've been laminated throughout.
Ooh.
(Farts) - I'd love to be laminated.
- So would l.
I'd love my flat to be laminated throughout.
Laminate, my arse! Eh? Would bloody use would that do? You don't live there now, do you? You live here, in my bloody house, and I don't want laminating throughout.
- Oh, hello, Jim.
- Hello, Mother Teresa.
How's Joe today? Is he still decorating? Oh, yes, he's just painting the sides of the fish tank when I came out.
Well, wha-what's he doing that for? Well, there was some left over.
- It's magnolia.
- Ooh.
Oh, right.
Has he still got that cotton bud lodged in his ear? - Well, yes, he has.
- Oh, Mary, Mary.
- Yeah.
- I haven't shown you my new tablets, have l? Ooh, no.
Ooh, what are they? They're yellow.
- Ooh, yellow! They're great, you know.
- Ooh, I know.
Joe got yellow ones for his swelling.
When he got his mickey stuck in his zip.
Ooh, ooh, Doctor Mahmoud gave them to me.
Oh.
Doctor Mahmoud's a Pakistani, you know.
- But he's very open about it.
- Ooh.
Oh.
"May cause drowsiness.
If affected, do not operate machinery.
" - Doctor Mahmoud thinks of everything.
- Ah.
Oooh, did I tell you about Bernard, from the flats? No.
What? He dropped dead, in the middle of Matalan.
- Ooh, dear.
- Anyway, after he was dead, didn't he find himself cremated? (Gasps) Poor Bernard.
- They split his ashes, Norma.
- They what? They split his ashes.
- His sister who's living here took half.
- Yeah.
And then his other sister, who lives in America, took the other half.
Ooh.
- Now, he'd never been out of Manchester - No.
.
.
in his life.
And now half of him is in Salford, and the other half of him is in San Francisco.
Which half? There's no way of knowing.
- Well, I hope it was his top half.
- Oh, so do l.
I left my half In San Francisco (Nana cackles) (Jim laughs hysterically) (All laugh) JOHNNY CASH: A Thing Called Love BACKlNG SlNGERS: Love! A thing called love CASH: Six foot six, he stood on the ground He weighed two hundred and thirty-five pounds But I saw that giant of a man Brought down to his knees by love (Both laugh) (Music drowns out speech) He was the kind of a man that would gamble on luck Look you in the eye and never back up But I saw him crying like a little whipped pup Because of love You can't see it with your eyes Hold it in your hand But like the wind that covers our land Strong enough to move the heart of any man This thing called love It can lift you up Never let you down Take your world and turn it all around Ever since time nothing's ever been found (Radio on) - Don't do it so curly this time, Barbara.
Last time it was just like Jeremy Clarkson.
Oh, don't be so rough.
(Tuts and sighs) You're just like Sweeney Todd with that comb.
Barbara, Barbara.
Did I tell you my dead friend Elsie's daughter Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband Lionel? No.
Well, she did.
Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband Lionel.
- Ooh, did they? - Mm.
- (Sniffs) - What did they have? Ermthey both had a la carte.
- Ooh, how lovely.
- Mm.
What is a la carte, Barbara? I don't know.
I wouldn't mind trying a la carte one night.
I'm sick of chops.
For her starterMarion had soup of the day which was Friday.
And erLionel had smoked salmon roll with cheese and chive sauce.
Ooh Before the main meal and after it, they had ermice cream sorbet.
- Oh, how lovely.
- Mm.
And then they both had a crepe.
Well, I'm not surprised after all they'd eaten.
(Both laugh) Hm.
Hm.
- Ey, Mam.
- Hm? Do you remember when you used to do my hair? Yes, I do.
You always used to tie it up with a little red ribbon on top.
Well, that's what my mam used to do to me.
Oh Barbara, this this nightie feels a bit mucky.
Right, well I'll throw it in with the next load.
You can give it me after this.
Can't you do a hand wash with it? I don't fancy it being in with Jim's Y-fronts.
They're so mucky.
(Barbara sighs) - Barbara? - Yes? Do you think you could get on with my toenails next? Yeah.
- Barbara? - Yes? Barbara.
(Softly) Barbara.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Barbara.
- What for? Everything.
Do you remember last Christmas when all this started? Yes.
- Do you remember I got the wishbone? - Yes.
Do you want to know what I wished for? No, don't tell me, cos it won't come true.
But it has, Barbara, it has.
I wished I wished that I would never have to go into a home.
(Softly) Ooh, Mam.
I'm not a burden to you, am l, Barbara? You're never a burden, Mam.
I do love you, Barbara.
(Radio plays) DORlS DAY: Que Serà, Serà When I was just a little girl I asked my mother What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me (Barbara sobs) Que serà, serà Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera What will be, will be BARBARA: Oh When I grew up and fell in love I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead? Will we have rainbows day after day? Here's what my sweetheart said Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera What will be, will be Have you thought any more about having those hair extensions, Nana? Yeah, I er I thought maybe for my birthday.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Well, it's something a bit different, isn't it? - Yeah.
- I think they'd look top, babes.
- Mm.
These look great, Denise.
They're great.
Do you ever think of doing this to your own nails? Well, I've always got loads of things to do, and false nails .
.
they just slow me down.
Get stuck in the remote control.
(Nana chuckles) You're your father's daughter, all right, aren't you? (Chuckles) Now, Nana.
Don't say that.
- I'm nearly ready.
- We're really excited.
What's little David hoping for? A little brother or a little sister? He wants a brother.
Oh.
What about big David? Well, he don't mind, really.
As long as it's er - His? - Nana! Ee, well, whatever it is .
.
I'm going to hang on to meet it.
Ah, Nana.
Little David keeps getting his bit wrong.
Lewis thinks he's on the X Factor.
(Laughter outside) - Denise? - Yeah? Denise, can I talk to you about when I go? - Go where? - To heaven.
Oh, Nana.
I don't want to talk about that.
They won't let me talk about it and I want to.
OK, Nana.
Denise How do you spell funeral? - Funeral? - Yes, spell it.
Spell it.
- F-U-N - Stop.
Stop there.
Because that's what I want my funeral to be.
I want my funeral to be fun.
Oh, Nana.
And, Denise - Can we have vol-au-vents? - Yeah! Yeah! Nana, do you know what? I'll make them myself.
- Oh, ta, Denise.
- From a packet, probably.
(Door opens) ANTONY: 'Ey.
You'd think those two were performing at Wembley Arena.
'Ey, Antony babes, who'd have thought it, eh? Me and you with such talented kids.
- Yeah, I know.
- I don't say this to swank, but er Where do you think they get all that talent from? Me.
- Oh.
- Ready.
- All right.
OK.
- Right, then, boys.
- In you come.
- Whooo! OK, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble! He learnt his craft in Tokyo, Japan and Kevin's karate class on Church Road.
It's Master David "Lightning Pants" Best.
(Cheering) ANTONY: Come on, little David.
- Oh! - Oh, very good.
Very good.
Oooh! (Laughter and cooing) Oh! NANA: Oooh! (Cheering) Let's get ready to rumble once more, ladies and gentlemen.
Time for a few impressions.
The master of mirth himself.
The boy of 1,000 voices, all of them quite similar.
- In Nana's corner, it's Lewis Royle.
- (Cheering) ANTONY: Who are you gonna do, then? - Who am I gonna do? Do er Do Nana first.
(High-pitched) Jim, Jim, Jim! - (Laughter) - It's very good, isn't it? - Do Denise.
- Me? (Girlie voice) Dave, take it off, you big clown! (Laughter) ANTONY: Spot-on.
Do miserable old Grandad for us.
- (Deeper voice) Never mind bloody bacon.
- (Gasps of mock-shock) Bacon, my arse! - Very good, actually.
- Do erPeter Kay.
Do us Peter Kay.
Garlic bread! Garlic bread! (Laughter) Is this the way to Amarillo? ALL: Every night I've been hugging my pillow Dreaming dreams of Amarillo DORlS DAY: Que Sera, Sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera When I was young and looking for love, you just couldn't find a boyfriend in the paper then, Cheryl.
I think it's a good idea, because it means that when you go out on your first date, at least you know you've got something in common.
What are your hobbies, Slash? Biking and paintballing.
Do you know, Cheryl's father Joe .
.
has just paintballed their entire stairs and landing in magnolia.
Now what do you think of that, Slash? (Sings) Here we go, with the old champagne! With the old champagne! Hello, Cheryl.
Oh.
Hello.
Hey, someone help me to get this bloody cork out.
Come on, bend over, Norma! It's Denise, it's Denise.
Denise is here.
BARBARA: Ooh, help yourself.
JlM: Get a drink, come on! BlG DAVlD: Here's my girls now.
(Gasps and cooing) BlG DAVlD: Oooh! There you go, Nana.
Oooh.
Oooh.
Oooh I've been waiting to meet you, sweetheart.
She's She's beautiful.
Beautiful, Denise.
Oh What are you going to call her? Well myself and my partner and husband, David, decided there was only one possible name I could choose, and it's a very special name.
We've called her Norma.
Oh, Nana.
She's beautiful.
Beautiful.
Denise.
Norma Orchard Deluah Porscha Best! JlM: To baby Norma! Let's have a drink, hooray! (Cheers, smattering of applause) (Clink of glasses) JlM: To baby Norma! (Further clink of glasses) (Jim laughs) - Push the bloody thing, will ya? - I am pushing! All push together! It's no good pushing, there's a bloody big gap there.
Look at that! (Jim and Twiggy argue) LOUlS PRlMA: Wanna Be Like You I wanna walk like you, talk like you, too You'll see it's true An ape like me Can learn to be A human too (Laughter) TWlGGY: Yabba-dabba-do-do-do Yabba-dabba-dee-dee-dee (Continues singing along) (Jim joins in) (Twiggy guffaws) (Cackles) Oh, Twiggy.
(Jim laughs) (Men sing along) (Nana cackles) Hi, everyone, I'd like you to meet Soloman.
All right there, Soloman! Come on, our son.
All right? - All right, pal? - All right! It's twelve o'clock, fellas.
All round The Feathers.
- Come on, Soloman.
Round The Feathers.
- Come on, pal.
We get hammered.
Come on, Soloman, lad, let your hair down.
You'll love it down there on a Saturday.
Beverley Macker wears her Wonderbra.
Hooray! (Skats) (Front door shuts) T rust Jim to leave me half-laminated.
All I've ever dreamed of is being laminated throughout.
(Sighs) (Chuckles) Ooh! Poor old Soloman.
Apparently, he'd never even had one snakebite, let alone ten.
Do you remember, Mam? You used to love a snakebite.
What is it again? Is it half a cider and half a lager? Or half a lager and half a? Mam? (Voice falters) Mam? Mam! (Sobs) Mam.
Mam! Mam.
(Screams) Mam! Jim! (Screams) Jim! SlNÈAD O'CONNOR: Scarlet Ribbons Sorry.
Sorry, lad.
(Song drowns out speech) And for me Some scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons - Cheryl! She's here.
For my hair I peeped in And on her pillow On her pillow - Norma.
- Nana.
- Nana.
- Mam.
JlM: You all right, Norm? All the stores were closed And shuttered All the streets were dark and bare In our town, no scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons for her hair Through the night my heart was aching Just before the dawn was breaking (Sobs) I peeped in And on her pillow - Bye, Nana.
I love you.
On her pillow lying there Lovely ribbons - Bye, Nana.
Scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons for her hair (Sobs) If I live to be a hundred Look after her, God.
I will never know from where Came those ribbons Scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons for her hair (Low chatter) Oh, hello, Father.
It was a very nice service.
- Oh! (Giggles) - Lewis, come here.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
Come on, love.
Let's just get through today, eh? - Yeah.
- That's what Norma would have wanted.
Yes.
But, eh, a little miracle happened today, you know.
What? Our Denise got off her arse and made the buffet.
But don't spread it around, love, or no bugger will eat it.
Except Cheryl.
I tell you what, though, Barb.
I'd give all the money in the world to have one more bloody row with her.
Oh, Jim.
Oh.
JOE: I stole the gold from your hair I put the silver threads there I don't know any way I could ever repay Pal of my cradle days - (Applause) - Yeah, well done, Joe.
JlM: Oh, nice one, Joe.
She was alive right up till the end, wasn't she, Barbara? - Yeah.
- I don't know how she did it.
No.
It doesn't seem real, Mary.
I can still see her warm, loving face.
And that white head of curls, twinkling up at me.
Right there, where the sausage rolls are.
What were her last words, Barbara? - Trevor McDonald.
- Oh, Barbara.
What a fitting tribute to the man.
Yeah.
Erm Can I just say something? Erm Well Before Nana died, she asked me to promise her something.
And she asked me to promise her that her funeral would be fun.
BARBARA: Oh.
Dad.
No, she's bloody right.
We should be having a laugh here.
Norma would have loved to have been here, wouldn't she? Let's have a toast.
Raise your glass of Norma's favourite tipple.
Which to be honest, could have been anything from the bloody off-licence.
God bless her, eh? Norma Jean Speakman has finally taken her stairlift to heaven.
ALL: Ahh! - Norma! OTHERS: Norma! Andjust one other thing.
Father Kennedy has thoughtfully given us Norma's ashes to take away.
OTHERS: Ah.
- And erthey'll be cherished.
And that's why they're getting pride of place in the Royle family household.
Somewhere .
.
where we'll always be reminded of her.
BARBARA: Jim.
OTHERS: Aah! (Smattering of applause) DENlSE: That's lovely.
DENlSE: Dad! (Laughter and cheers) To Norma! To Norma! Come on! Jim! JlM: Let's hear it for Norma! (Cheering and applause) No more.
I think I'm drunk.
(Giggling) Hey, hey! What the bloody hell's going on! Now, get out! Get out! Get out of here! - Before l - (Laughter) Go 'head! Go on! (Laughs) Come on, everybody.
JlM: Come on, everyone, now.
- All right, love? Come on, let's have a drink.
(Chattering and singing from living room) Hey, Cheryl, you still going out with that bloke with the beard? Soloman? No.
I really liked him, erm And I was prepared to change religion and .
.
give up bacon for him.
But when it came pork pie, I just I just couldn't make that commitment.
So .
.
I suppose our love wasn't strong enough.
No-one should want you to change.
I've always thought you were a little belter.
JlM: Come on, then.
(Sporadic singing of Is This The Way To Amarillo? ) (Cheering) JlM: Oh, you're a long time gone.
Come on! I want everyone singing along.
Here we go.
What'll we hear? I know.
I want a girl Just like the girl That married dear old Dad She was a pearl And the only girl Daddy ever had A real old-fashioned girl With eyes of blue One who really loves nobody else but you I want a girl Just like the girl that married dear old Dad Everybody, come on! I want a girl Just like the girl That married dear old Dad She was a pearl And the only girl That Daddy ever had A real old-fashioned girl With eyes of blue One who really loves nobody else but you I want a girl Just like the girl That married Dear old Dad (Cheering and whistling) So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway Half the world away Half the world away Half the world away I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down No, I don't feel down No, I don't feel down
(Changes channel) Pwah! He's like a bloody bad smell, that Noel Edmonds, isn't he? - Yeah.
- Eh? I wish someone would put him in one of those bloody boxes and bury it.
(Changes channel) Oh, shite! Graham Norton! What the bloody hell's going on here, Barb? It was fine when you had Larry Grayson, your novelty gay, but now it's a bloody novelty if you ever see anyone straight on the television.
Gays can get married now, you know, Jim.
I know they bloody can.
I don't know what the world's coming to.
- You know who kicked all that off? - Who? Elton bloody John.
Oh.
- What's that fella he married called? - David Furnish.
Oh, aye, that's the soft sod, yeah.
I bet his candle's given him wind a few bloody times, an' all! - Oh, Jim.
(Doorbell) Get that will you, Barb.
That'll be Dr Who and Rose.
- Hiya, Mam.
- Hello, Denise.
You all right? - Hello, Dave.
You all right? - Hi, Barbara.
Hello, little David.
Give your Nana a big hug.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, love.
How are you? All right, James? Oh! How are you, little David? Come on.
Hup above.
Down below.
To the side.
Too slow.
Have you had your tea? Yeah.
What did you have? Well, I made little David turkey twizzlers and chips.
What did you have? Erm Turkey twizzlers and chips.
Did you like your turkey twizzlers, David? BOTH: Yeah.
BARBARA: Aw.
Have you had a good day at school, little David? Yeah.
Did you do any reading? Yeah.
Did you do any writing? Yeah.
Oh.
(Chuckles) ln't he coming on, our Denise? Yeah.
Can I have The Simpsons on, Grandad? Now, now.
What do we say? Can I have The Simpsons on, please? No! - Can I watch upstairs, Nana, please? - Of course you can, love.
Thanks.
He's a sociable little fella, isn't he? Aw.
Oh, that reminds me, Mam.
Can little David stay over here on Friday? Oh, yeah, course he can.
What time till? Till Monday.
Oh, yeah.
OK, then.
Yeah.
Why, what you doing? Well, we fancied a little break away.
Ooh! Where to? No, no.
Away from little David.
Oh, right.
You see, Dave really needs to spend some quality time on his own in The Feathers, and I've got loads of catching up to do.
What with Trisha and Jeremy Kyle.
She Sky-Plused 'em, Barbara.
(Gasps) Did you, Denise? Oh, well done.
How's our little David doing at school? Do you know how we thought he had attention deficit disorder? Yeah.
It turned out, he just couldn't be bothered concentrating.
Oh.
Could he, Dave? - What? - Little David not concentrating.
Oh, yeah.
He's got attention deficit disorder, Barbara.
No, he's not, Dave! They told us that.
Oh, yeah, they did, yeah.
How's he been behaving this week? Well, I had to put him on the naughty chair four times last night.
- Swearing again? - Yeah.
- What did he say? - "Homework, my arse.
" Thing is, though, it's always me dishing out the discipline with him.
Dave's dead soft with him.
I put little David in the naughty chair and Dave goes and sits in there with him.
Oh, do you, Dave? That's very thoughtful of you.
Naughty bloody chair? What a waste of bloody time that is! That's why the country's in such a bloody mess.
We're trying to fight crime with a bloody naughty chair! Gor blimey.
Who's been in the naughty chair? Aw, are you awake, Nana? Yeah.
Who's that? Oh! Hello, Denise! Hiya, Nana.
- Are you awake, Nana? - Yeah.
Hello, David.
Hiya, Nana.
- Are you awake, Mum? - Oh, yeah.
Hello, Barbara.
Hiya, Mam.
Jim, Mam's awake.
Oh, better luck next time, eh? (Door opens) - Hiya.
- Hello, Cheggo! - Hello, Cheryl.
Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yes, I am.
Hello, Cheryl.
Hiya.
Your bag looks a bit full.
Shall I empty it again, Barbara? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Cheryl.
Isn't she good, eh, Cheryl? Yeah.
She'd have made a lovely nurse.
Oh, yeah.
She's only lugging a bag of piss.
It's hardly keyhole surgery.
Well, you wouldn't do it.
I'd love one of them bags.
Dave, wouldn't you? You'd hardly miss any telly.
Oh, no.
I fancied one for the last World Cup game, but the National Healthphff didn't want to know.
Ta, Cheryl.
Aw, thanks, Cheryl.
It's a messy job, isn't it? Have you washed your hands, love? No, you're all right.
Sit down.
You're amongst friends.
Have you got the Evening News tonight? - Is it in, babes? - Yeah.
Dad, have you got the Evening News? Cheryl's ad's in Matchmaker Matchmaker.
What? The lonely hearts? (Chuckles) There you are, Cheggo.
What happened to that bloke you was writing to for ages.
What happened there? Oh, well, I sent him a picture, like he asked, and then I never heard anything.
(Jim laughs) Well, there wasn't much future in it, really.
Wasn't he in for life? Yeah.
Here it is.
Ooh.
- Let's have a look.
- What does it say, Barb? Hang on, hang on.
(Reads) Charismatic 30s female.
No! Read Cheryl's out.
Oh.
(Reads) Bubbly, cuddly, likes going out for meals, or staying in for meals.
Both vegetarian and meat-eaters considered.
DENlSE: Oh, good thinking, babes.
(Reads) Looking for friendship/love with male aged: any.
Able-bodied or otherwise.
Skin colour: not essential.
No height restrictions.
Bloody hell, you're not a roller coaster, are you? (Reads) Own vehicle not necessary as father will pick up and drop off.
" You know what the problem is here, don't you? You're playing too bloody hard to get, girl.
Ha ha! - Oh, Cheryl.
It's lovely.
- I think it's great.
So, you just press this button here and away you go.
This one? (Music through headphones) Love is a burning thing It makes a fiery ring Barbara! Barbara, I've got Johnny Cash in my ears.
Hey, Antony.
Antony, does this thing play cassettes as well? No, Nana, it's just CDs.
Have you got cassettes? No.
Are you going to stay for your tea? It's chops.
No, I'm on my way to a conference in Milton Keynes.
Ooh.
BOTH: Milton Keynes.
Our Antony.
Fancy that.
Oh! Listen, how's little Lewis? He's great, yeah.
His piano tutor's round tonight.
(Mouths) And umhow's it going with Sarah? Er Yeah, good.
You know? All right.
Yeah, all right.
'Ey up.
It's Alan Sugar.
How are you, Lurkio? - Yeah, all right, Dad.
- Jim! Jim! Our Antony's going to a conference in Milton Keynes.
A conference in Milton Keynes, eh? That's bloody great, that, lad.
So, shall I put the kettle on, then? - Oh, yes.
- No, no, no.
You sit down.
I'll go and make it.
You save your energy for the bloody conference, son.
Can I have a coffee, please? - Have we got any coffee, Barb? - Yeah, yeah.
It's in the top cupboard.
Do you want a KitKat to go with that, Lurk? Yes, please, yeah.
Or there's a mint Yo-yo.
- Or there's a Wagon Wheel doing nothing here.
- Anything, Dad.
Come and choose one, lad.
Dad, I'm not arsed.
Anything.
Come on.
I want you to pick.
You can even have a Club orange.
NANA: To a burning ring offire BOTH: Down, down, down And the flames went higher Well, I tell you what, lad, you look the bloody bees' knees.
You're doing really well, you've come a long way.
The old suit, that's cost a few bob, hasn't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Do you know who you remind me of? - No.
Roger Moore in the James Bond movies.
- Get away.
- Matching tie and all that.
Bloody hell.
Eh, I'm bloody proud of you, son.
Proud of you.
Glad to see you're doing well.
It's just that, well I've been a bit strapped for cash lately.
What with erinflation and everything.
How much do you want this time, Dad? I'd say 20 quid, son but I don't think that'll be enough, so can we call it 50 quid? - Bloody hell, Dad! - Lovely.
(Shouts) Do you want a Penguin with that, son? Can I take two? You greedy little git.
Who the bloody hell do you think you are? Eh? Swanning round at your conference in Milton bloody Keynes.
There's more to life than bloody money.
What about your family? Now, get in there and see your nana.
Go on! You selfish, selfish little sod! The flames went higher And burns, burns, burns A ring of fire A ring of fire Wee! Oh, that's me and you in The Feathers, Your Majesty.
Now, I'm on the piss again.
The piss again.
Would you like a large one, Your Majesty? Do you want a drink to go with it? Two large drinks, please, barman.
Leave yourself out this time.
(Dave reads) Luciana kicked the flat tyre of her Mustang in temper, without a care for her Manolo Blankets.
Shoes which had seemed so perfect in New York, but now only served to shout ""tourist!"" to the barefooted peasants of Tangier.
Luciana was in trouble and she knew it.
Through her tears she noticed something.
- A head in the road.
- Eh? Oh, sorry, Nana.
(Reads) She noticed something ahead in the road.
Ah.
It couldn't be, could it? Could it be him? Luciana's heart started pounding.
The Land Rover screeched to a halt, and the all-too-familiar figure of Dr Curtis Sinclair emerged.
Ooh.
Luciana started to feel herself Eh? .
.
weakening as she saw the steely determination of his gait.
Suddenly, she felt enveloped by his two strong arms.
Never had she felt so protected.
Not with Rico, not with Paulo, and certainly not with Demetrius.
Oh, no.
Not with him, no.
She felt his warm breath on the nape of her neck.
Every sinew in her body ached with desire for this gifted neurosurgeon.
She wondered how such strong hands could perform such delicate operations.
"l want you, Luciana," he whispered.
"I've wanted you since the moment I clasped my eyes on you, dancing alone in the fountain.
" His lips sought to quench the thirst of her rising passion.
She knew that this was the moment.
"Not here, Luciana, my angel," he whispered.
"Let's wait until Marrakech.
" What the bloody hell is Dr Curtis Sinclair playing at? I've got a little stiffie on here, and he wants to wait till Marrakech? David? David? What is a little stiffie? (Chuckles) She had to admit he had not put a foot out of line, as far as she was concerned TV:.
.
the country's most stunning scenery.
And I'll be watching life float by from the Nile as I holiday in Luxor.
For years, Egypt has been capturing the imagination of its visitors.
The wonder of the Pyramids, the magic of the temples.
But it's the Nile that's the lifeblood of this land, which is why I've decided to start my holiday with a cruise.
Sailing from Luxor to Aswan, the Ra docks in a different place every day.
How's your dad doing, Dave? Aye, smashing, yeah.
Aw.
Is his scalp still flaking? Yeah.
Is your mam still following him around with the Dyson? Yeah.
TV:.
.
tourists have been coming here for centuries, and it's easy to see why.
How's your diet going, Cheryl? I've started a new one.
- What is it, babes? - Mainly fruit and vegetables.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Cheryl.
But I have to have plenty of nuts as well.
But I forgot to take my nuts to work yesterday, so I just had a Topic.
That's very clever, Cheryl.
There's plenty of nuts in them.
Yeah.
And two Snickers.
Oh.
Do you like Snickers, Derek? I don't mind.
Oh! Aren't they well suited, Denise? Yeah.
I'm sorry you couldn't meet Denise's dad, Derek.
He won't come out of the kitchen.
He's sulking.
What's it over this time, Mam? It's OK.
She's asleep.
Well, tea time, it was.
He went to switch the telly over with the remote control and it wouldn't work.
Turns out your nana's taken the batteries out to put in that handheld fan of hers.
- Oh, poor nana.
- I know.
- What did he do? - Oh, he hit the roof.
He said he'd like to shove that fan right up your nana's arse.
Sideways.
- Anyone fancy a brew? - Oh, yes, please, Denise.
- Yeah? - Please, Denise.
Derek, babes, do you fancy a brew? Yes, please, Denise.
Dave, babes, everyone fancies a brew.
All right, Jim, what are you doing in here? Haven't you bloody heard? No.
What? The Queen of Bloody Sheba has only stolen the batteries out of my remote control! - What for? - To fan her bloody self.
That's what for.
So I had to sit for an hour and watch Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation.
Why didn't you just turn it over at the telly? Because that's what she wants! Me, up and down like a blue-arsed fly.
She's the puppet-master, pulling the strings, up and down.
Up and down.
She's got Barbara wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour and everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy to go for a bloody piss! Do you know what the crafty old cow's done, the wicked old witch? She stole the bloody batteries out of my bloody remote! And you know what? Everything in this house revolves round her now! - I'd not noticed.
- You've not noticed?! Bloody hell, lad! She's been lying flat on her back for the last six months where we used to sit and have our tea, and you haven't noticed? Bloody hell, Dave! You go in there and you tell Barbara I will not step foot in that room until I get my bloody batteries back in that.
- Barbara? - Yeah.
Jim says he's not stepping foot in that room till he gets his batteries back.
Oh, you see what I mean, Denise? You can tell him to get off his big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop.
She said, you can get off your big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop.
You tell her, if I do have to go to the shop and buy batteries that have been stolen from my bloody remote, I won't be coming back! - Barbara? - Yeah? Oh, hang on.
What did you say again, Jim? If I have to go to the shop and buy bloody batteries that have been stolen from my remote, I won't be coming back.
He says that if he has to go to the shop, he's never coming back.
Well, tell him, if he thinks more of his remote control than he does of his own family, he needn't bother coming back! - She said - I know what she said! I'm not bloody deaf.
I heard it, you bloody bitch! You streak ofpiss! Go on! Piss off! (Door slams) I think he's mad at me now, Barbara.
Oh, ignore him, Dave.
Ignore him, babes.
Are you all right, Derek? It's always a little bit awkward on a first date, in't it? Barbara? Hey, Barbara, I'm awake, Barbara.
Are you, Mam? Is he still in there? Yeah.
I do hope it had nothing to do with me.
Course it hasn't, Mum.
Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yeah.
Hello, Denise.
DAVE: Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yeah.
Hello, David.
Hiya, Nana.
Are you awake? Yeah.
Hello, Cheryl.
Oh, Derek, you haven't met Nana yet, have you? Do you want to go over and meet her? You've only seen her asleep so far, haven't you? Go on, Derek babes.
DAVE: Go on, Derek.
- Oh, look, Derek's got a tail.
(All laugh) Derek's got a tail on his first date.
Cheryl, take that tail off Derek.
Sorry, Derek babes.
It's one of my er one of my extensions.
Hey, Derek.
Come on.
Come and meet Nana.
Come on.
All bow down for the Queen of Sheba! NANA: Sit down.
Do sit down.
Derek, this is Nana.
Nana, this is Derek.
(Posh voice) Hello, Derek.
Hello, Nana.
Ooh, er Just a minute.
Oooh.
You're lovely, Derek.
Derek, let me tell you Do you know what my favourite musical is? - No.
- Well, it's Annie.
And do you know, your hair has just reminded me of it.
The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun OTHERS: Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you, tomorrow You're only a day away Come on, Derek.
Come on, love.
Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you, tomorrow You're only a day away Oooh, do you know what? Come on! Come on, take me down the bloody shop! - Come on, lazy arse.
Move your bloody self! NANA: Tomorrow We're only a day away -Ooh.
- Ooh, Nana.
Ooh, Mary You know Elsie, my dead friend? Yes.
Well, her daughter Marion .
.
she's being laminated this weekend.
- What? - Mm.
You know, carpets up and wood lookalikey.
- Ooh, wood lookalikey.
How lovely for her.
- Hm.
Hm.
Haven't Denise and David been laminated? Ooh, yes, they've been laminated throughout.
Ooh.
(Farts) - I'd love to be laminated.
- So would l.
I'd love my flat to be laminated throughout.
Laminate, my arse! Eh? Would bloody use would that do? You don't live there now, do you? You live here, in my bloody house, and I don't want laminating throughout.
- Oh, hello, Jim.
- Hello, Mother Teresa.
How's Joe today? Is he still decorating? Oh, yes, he's just painting the sides of the fish tank when I came out.
Well, wha-what's he doing that for? Well, there was some left over.
- It's magnolia.
- Ooh.
Oh, right.
Has he still got that cotton bud lodged in his ear? - Well, yes, he has.
- Oh, Mary, Mary.
- Yeah.
- I haven't shown you my new tablets, have l? Ooh, no.
Ooh, what are they? They're yellow.
- Ooh, yellow! They're great, you know.
- Ooh, I know.
Joe got yellow ones for his swelling.
When he got his mickey stuck in his zip.
Ooh, ooh, Doctor Mahmoud gave them to me.
Oh.
Doctor Mahmoud's a Pakistani, you know.
- But he's very open about it.
- Ooh.
Oh.
"May cause drowsiness.
If affected, do not operate machinery.
" - Doctor Mahmoud thinks of everything.
- Ah.
Oooh, did I tell you about Bernard, from the flats? No.
What? He dropped dead, in the middle of Matalan.
- Ooh, dear.
- Anyway, after he was dead, didn't he find himself cremated? (Gasps) Poor Bernard.
- They split his ashes, Norma.
- They what? They split his ashes.
- His sister who's living here took half.
- Yeah.
And then his other sister, who lives in America, took the other half.
Ooh.
- Now, he'd never been out of Manchester - No.
.
.
in his life.
And now half of him is in Salford, and the other half of him is in San Francisco.
Which half? There's no way of knowing.
- Well, I hope it was his top half.
- Oh, so do l.
I left my half In San Francisco (Nana cackles) (Jim laughs hysterically) (All laugh) JOHNNY CASH: A Thing Called Love BACKlNG SlNGERS: Love! A thing called love CASH: Six foot six, he stood on the ground He weighed two hundred and thirty-five pounds But I saw that giant of a man Brought down to his knees by love (Both laugh) (Music drowns out speech) He was the kind of a man that would gamble on luck Look you in the eye and never back up But I saw him crying like a little whipped pup Because of love You can't see it with your eyes Hold it in your hand But like the wind that covers our land Strong enough to move the heart of any man This thing called love It can lift you up Never let you down Take your world and turn it all around Ever since time nothing's ever been found (Radio on) - Don't do it so curly this time, Barbara.
Last time it was just like Jeremy Clarkson.
Oh, don't be so rough.
(Tuts and sighs) You're just like Sweeney Todd with that comb.
Barbara, Barbara.
Did I tell you my dead friend Elsie's daughter Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband Lionel? No.
Well, she did.
Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband Lionel.
- Ooh, did they? - Mm.
- (Sniffs) - What did they have? Ermthey both had a la carte.
- Ooh, how lovely.
- Mm.
What is a la carte, Barbara? I don't know.
I wouldn't mind trying a la carte one night.
I'm sick of chops.
For her starterMarion had soup of the day which was Friday.
And erLionel had smoked salmon roll with cheese and chive sauce.
Ooh Before the main meal and after it, they had ermice cream sorbet.
- Oh, how lovely.
- Mm.
And then they both had a crepe.
Well, I'm not surprised after all they'd eaten.
(Both laugh) Hm.
Hm.
- Ey, Mam.
- Hm? Do you remember when you used to do my hair? Yes, I do.
You always used to tie it up with a little red ribbon on top.
Well, that's what my mam used to do to me.
Oh Barbara, this this nightie feels a bit mucky.
Right, well I'll throw it in with the next load.
You can give it me after this.
Can't you do a hand wash with it? I don't fancy it being in with Jim's Y-fronts.
They're so mucky.
(Barbara sighs) - Barbara? - Yes? Do you think you could get on with my toenails next? Yeah.
- Barbara? - Yes? Barbara.
(Softly) Barbara.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Barbara.
- What for? Everything.
Do you remember last Christmas when all this started? Yes.
- Do you remember I got the wishbone? - Yes.
Do you want to know what I wished for? No, don't tell me, cos it won't come true.
But it has, Barbara, it has.
I wished I wished that I would never have to go into a home.
(Softly) Ooh, Mam.
I'm not a burden to you, am l, Barbara? You're never a burden, Mam.
I do love you, Barbara.
(Radio plays) DORlS DAY: Que Serà, Serà When I was just a little girl I asked my mother What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me (Barbara sobs) Que serà, serà Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera What will be, will be BARBARA: Oh When I grew up and fell in love I asked my sweetheart, what lies ahead? Will we have rainbows day after day? Here's what my sweetheart said Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera What will be, will be Have you thought any more about having those hair extensions, Nana? Yeah, I er I thought maybe for my birthday.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Well, it's something a bit different, isn't it? - Yeah.
- I think they'd look top, babes.
- Mm.
These look great, Denise.
They're great.
Do you ever think of doing this to your own nails? Well, I've always got loads of things to do, and false nails .
.
they just slow me down.
Get stuck in the remote control.
(Nana chuckles) You're your father's daughter, all right, aren't you? (Chuckles) Now, Nana.
Don't say that.
- I'm nearly ready.
- We're really excited.
What's little David hoping for? A little brother or a little sister? He wants a brother.
Oh.
What about big David? Well, he don't mind, really.
As long as it's er - His? - Nana! Ee, well, whatever it is .
.
I'm going to hang on to meet it.
Ah, Nana.
Little David keeps getting his bit wrong.
Lewis thinks he's on the X Factor.
(Laughter outside) - Denise? - Yeah? Denise, can I talk to you about when I go? - Go where? - To heaven.
Oh, Nana.
I don't want to talk about that.
They won't let me talk about it and I want to.
OK, Nana.
Denise How do you spell funeral? - Funeral? - Yes, spell it.
Spell it.
- F-U-N - Stop.
Stop there.
Because that's what I want my funeral to be.
I want my funeral to be fun.
Oh, Nana.
And, Denise - Can we have vol-au-vents? - Yeah! Yeah! Nana, do you know what? I'll make them myself.
- Oh, ta, Denise.
- From a packet, probably.
(Door opens) ANTONY: 'Ey.
You'd think those two were performing at Wembley Arena.
'Ey, Antony babes, who'd have thought it, eh? Me and you with such talented kids.
- Yeah, I know.
- I don't say this to swank, but er Where do you think they get all that talent from? Me.
- Oh.
- Ready.
- All right.
OK.
- Right, then, boys.
- In you come.
- Whooo! OK, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble! He learnt his craft in Tokyo, Japan and Kevin's karate class on Church Road.
It's Master David "Lightning Pants" Best.
(Cheering) ANTONY: Come on, little David.
- Oh! - Oh, very good.
Very good.
Oooh! (Laughter and cooing) Oh! NANA: Oooh! (Cheering) Let's get ready to rumble once more, ladies and gentlemen.
Time for a few impressions.
The master of mirth himself.
The boy of 1,000 voices, all of them quite similar.
- In Nana's corner, it's Lewis Royle.
- (Cheering) ANTONY: Who are you gonna do, then? - Who am I gonna do? Do er Do Nana first.
(High-pitched) Jim, Jim, Jim! - (Laughter) - It's very good, isn't it? - Do Denise.
- Me? (Girlie voice) Dave, take it off, you big clown! (Laughter) ANTONY: Spot-on.
Do miserable old Grandad for us.
- (Deeper voice) Never mind bloody bacon.
- (Gasps of mock-shock) Bacon, my arse! - Very good, actually.
- Do erPeter Kay.
Do us Peter Kay.
Garlic bread! Garlic bread! (Laughter) Is this the way to Amarillo? ALL: Every night I've been hugging my pillow Dreaming dreams of Amarillo DORlS DAY: Que Sera, Sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera When I was young and looking for love, you just couldn't find a boyfriend in the paper then, Cheryl.
I think it's a good idea, because it means that when you go out on your first date, at least you know you've got something in common.
What are your hobbies, Slash? Biking and paintballing.
Do you know, Cheryl's father Joe .
.
has just paintballed their entire stairs and landing in magnolia.
Now what do you think of that, Slash? (Sings) Here we go, with the old champagne! With the old champagne! Hello, Cheryl.
Oh.
Hello.
Hey, someone help me to get this bloody cork out.
Come on, bend over, Norma! It's Denise, it's Denise.
Denise is here.
BARBARA: Ooh, help yourself.
JlM: Get a drink, come on! BlG DAVlD: Here's my girls now.
(Gasps and cooing) BlG DAVlD: Oooh! There you go, Nana.
Oooh.
Oooh.
Oooh I've been waiting to meet you, sweetheart.
She's She's beautiful.
Beautiful, Denise.
Oh What are you going to call her? Well myself and my partner and husband, David, decided there was only one possible name I could choose, and it's a very special name.
We've called her Norma.
Oh, Nana.
She's beautiful.
Beautiful.
Denise.
Norma Orchard Deluah Porscha Best! JlM: To baby Norma! Let's have a drink, hooray! (Cheers, smattering of applause) (Clink of glasses) JlM: To baby Norma! (Further clink of glasses) (Jim laughs) - Push the bloody thing, will ya? - I am pushing! All push together! It's no good pushing, there's a bloody big gap there.
Look at that! (Jim and Twiggy argue) LOUlS PRlMA: Wanna Be Like You I wanna walk like you, talk like you, too You'll see it's true An ape like me Can learn to be A human too (Laughter) TWlGGY: Yabba-dabba-do-do-do Yabba-dabba-dee-dee-dee (Continues singing along) (Jim joins in) (Twiggy guffaws) (Cackles) Oh, Twiggy.
(Jim laughs) (Men sing along) (Nana cackles) Hi, everyone, I'd like you to meet Soloman.
All right there, Soloman! Come on, our son.
All right? - All right, pal? - All right! It's twelve o'clock, fellas.
All round The Feathers.
- Come on, Soloman.
Round The Feathers.
- Come on, pal.
We get hammered.
Come on, Soloman, lad, let your hair down.
You'll love it down there on a Saturday.
Beverley Macker wears her Wonderbra.
Hooray! (Skats) (Front door shuts) T rust Jim to leave me half-laminated.
All I've ever dreamed of is being laminated throughout.
(Sighs) (Chuckles) Ooh! Poor old Soloman.
Apparently, he'd never even had one snakebite, let alone ten.
Do you remember, Mam? You used to love a snakebite.
What is it again? Is it half a cider and half a lager? Or half a lager and half a? Mam? (Voice falters) Mam? Mam! (Sobs) Mam.
Mam! Mam.
(Screams) Mam! Jim! (Screams) Jim! SlNÈAD O'CONNOR: Scarlet Ribbons Sorry.
Sorry, lad.
(Song drowns out speech) And for me Some scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons - Cheryl! She's here.
For my hair I peeped in And on her pillow On her pillow - Norma.
- Nana.
- Nana.
- Mam.
JlM: You all right, Norm? All the stores were closed And shuttered All the streets were dark and bare In our town, no scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons for her hair Through the night my heart was aching Just before the dawn was breaking (Sobs) I peeped in And on her pillow - Bye, Nana.
I love you.
On her pillow lying there Lovely ribbons - Bye, Nana.
Scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons for her hair (Sobs) If I live to be a hundred Look after her, God.
I will never know from where Came those ribbons Scarlet ribbons Scarlet ribbons for her hair (Low chatter) Oh, hello, Father.
It was a very nice service.
- Oh! (Giggles) - Lewis, come here.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
Come on, love.
Let's just get through today, eh? - Yeah.
- That's what Norma would have wanted.
Yes.
But, eh, a little miracle happened today, you know.
What? Our Denise got off her arse and made the buffet.
But don't spread it around, love, or no bugger will eat it.
Except Cheryl.
I tell you what, though, Barb.
I'd give all the money in the world to have one more bloody row with her.
Oh, Jim.
Oh.
JOE: I stole the gold from your hair I put the silver threads there I don't know any way I could ever repay Pal of my cradle days - (Applause) - Yeah, well done, Joe.
JlM: Oh, nice one, Joe.
She was alive right up till the end, wasn't she, Barbara? - Yeah.
- I don't know how she did it.
No.
It doesn't seem real, Mary.
I can still see her warm, loving face.
And that white head of curls, twinkling up at me.
Right there, where the sausage rolls are.
What were her last words, Barbara? - Trevor McDonald.
- Oh, Barbara.
What a fitting tribute to the man.
Yeah.
Erm Can I just say something? Erm Well Before Nana died, she asked me to promise her something.
And she asked me to promise her that her funeral would be fun.
BARBARA: Oh.
Dad.
No, she's bloody right.
We should be having a laugh here.
Norma would have loved to have been here, wouldn't she? Let's have a toast.
Raise your glass of Norma's favourite tipple.
Which to be honest, could have been anything from the bloody off-licence.
God bless her, eh? Norma Jean Speakman has finally taken her stairlift to heaven.
ALL: Ahh! - Norma! OTHERS: Norma! Andjust one other thing.
Father Kennedy has thoughtfully given us Norma's ashes to take away.
OTHERS: Ah.
- And erthey'll be cherished.
And that's why they're getting pride of place in the Royle family household.
Somewhere .
.
where we'll always be reminded of her.
BARBARA: Jim.
OTHERS: Aah! (Smattering of applause) DENlSE: That's lovely.
DENlSE: Dad! (Laughter and cheers) To Norma! To Norma! Come on! Jim! JlM: Let's hear it for Norma! (Cheering and applause) No more.
I think I'm drunk.
(Giggling) Hey, hey! What the bloody hell's going on! Now, get out! Get out! Get out of here! - Before l - (Laughter) Go 'head! Go on! (Laughs) Come on, everybody.
JlM: Come on, everyone, now.
- All right, love? Come on, let's have a drink.
(Chattering and singing from living room) Hey, Cheryl, you still going out with that bloke with the beard? Soloman? No.
I really liked him, erm And I was prepared to change religion and .
.
give up bacon for him.
But when it came pork pie, I just I just couldn't make that commitment.
So .
.
I suppose our love wasn't strong enough.
No-one should want you to change.
I've always thought you were a little belter.
JlM: Come on, then.
(Sporadic singing of Is This The Way To Amarillo? ) (Cheering) JlM: Oh, you're a long time gone.
Come on! I want everyone singing along.
Here we go.
What'll we hear? I know.
I want a girl Just like the girl That married dear old Dad She was a pearl And the only girl Daddy ever had A real old-fashioned girl With eyes of blue One who really loves nobody else but you I want a girl Just like the girl that married dear old Dad Everybody, come on! I want a girl Just like the girl That married dear old Dad She was a pearl And the only girl That Daddy ever had A real old-fashioned girl With eyes of blue One who really loves nobody else but you I want a girl Just like the girl That married Dear old Dad (Cheering and whistling) So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway Half the world away Half the world away Half the world away I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down No, I don't feel down No, I don't feel down