The Royle Family (1998) s99e02 Episode Script
The New Sofa
1 l would like to leave this city This old town don't smell too pretty, and l can feel the warning signs Running around my mind So what do you say You can't give me the dreams that are mine anay You're ham the world away Ham the world away Hamthe world away (Louis Armstrong) # Sleigh bells ring Are you listening? In the lane Snow is glistening A beautiful sight We're happy tonight (Jamie Oliver) Brilliant.
So, goose is done.
- # Walking in a winter wonderland # - So, let's have a look at this turkey.
Look at him, Barb.
He gets on my bloody nerves, these days, him.
Jamie bloody Oliver.
'Ey, with his juniper berries and his bloody cariumber.
- (Barbara laughs) - l mean who'd have that shite in the cupboard, eh? Doesn't he know there's a credit crunch on? We've just paid 5p for a bloody carrier bag, haven't we? And he's swanning all over the place trying to save the bloody world and all we wanna do is put the bloody chip pan back on.
- (Laughs) - 'Ey? Without giving it all that.
Look, look, look! - Olive oil, my arse! - (Laughs) Getfour orve leaves, andjust literally get your hand under that skin again and you canjustfan 'em out here, there and everhere.
And what's gonna happen is, as that butter melts - (Doorbell) - Get that, will ya, Barb? That'll be Jordan and Peter Anzacs, that.
(Both laugh) - Hiya, Denise.
- Aw, hiya, Mam.
- (Barbara) Are you all right? - Yeah.
Are you? - Yeah.
- (Dave) Hiya, Barbara.
- Hiya, Dave.
Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, Denise.
- Hiya, Jim.
- Hiya, Dave.
Dried cranberries are pretty apt, l reckon.
And l've got some blueberries, sour cherries.
So give that a little stir-up.
Take ham that butter and we'll give ham that butter per breast.
Once you've got that butter in, it's dead simple, just get your hand and sort of smear it all the way up the breast.
And at the end ofthe day, COmmOn SenSe.
.
.
Have you had your tea? (Both) Yeah.
What did you have? Well, you know l've been really busy, what with the Christmas meal tomorrow and everything, so we just shared Little David's selection box.
- mw.
- Didn't we, Dave? Mm, yeah.
Little bits around the carcass - Oh, Denise? - Yeah? What we having for starters tomorrow? Well erm, l'm thinking of cup-a-soups.
- Cup-a-soups? - Yeah, but with a twist.
Oh, what's the twist? lt's gonna be in a bowl, not a cup.
- (Dave) In a bowl.
- Oh, how lovely! Aw.
Bet you Nigella's quaking in her bloody boots there.
- It was my idea, Barbara.
- Was it, Dave? Dave! It was our idea, a joint decision made jointly.
Made it a joint decision jointly, Barbara, yeah, mm.
So, what have you jointly decided we're having after cup-a-soup? Well, l'm gonna get some Mary Piper potatoes and then l'm going to roast them and then baste them with a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
And then l'm doing - carrot crush.
- (Gasps) Carrots are from me dad's allotment.
- Are they, Dave? - Yeah.
What's that like, carrot crush? Well, it's Dave's dad's carrots off Dave's dad's allotment and l'm gonna boil 'em up and then l'm gonna crush 'em and then put on a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
- How is your dad, Dave? - Oh, he's all right, yeah.
Has he still got that dry crevice? - Yeah.
- (Tuts) Oh.
We're really looking forward to seeing them both tomorrow, aren't we, Jim? Oh, aye, yeah.
The highlight of my bloody year, this.
What we having for pudding, Denise? Well, l'm just gonna go down the traditional Christmas route.
Ooh, Wall's Viennetta! Yeah.
- But with a twist.
- Twist.
What's the twist? l haven't really thought up that twist yet.
Yeah.
Are you looking forward to Christmas, Dave? Yeah.
l just want peas.
(Barbara) Oh, we all want peace at Christmas, Dave.
No, peas.
l don't fancy that carrot crush.
(All laugh) - Do you want a leg tomorrow, Dad? - Mmm.
l'd love a leg, Denise.
- Do you want a leg, Mam? - Ooh, yes, please, Denise.
- Do you want a leg, Dave? - Ooh, yeah, please.
- Me dad usually has a leg as well.
- Right.
Bloody hell, Denise, what are we having, love, a bloody octopus? (All laugh) What time are you taking the kids over to Anthony's? Oh, they're already there.
They're having a little sleepover.
Oh.
Won't you miss seeing their faces when they open their presents in the morning? No.
We've thought ofthat and we've got Anthony to take a little picture ofthem on his mobile.
lt's not a day for kids, really, Christmas, is it? No.
- Oh, Mam? - Yeah? Remind me again how you make your gravy? Oh, well - you get an Oxo cube - Yeah.
.
.
then you take the silver paper off - Yeah.
- .
.
put it in a bowl - Yeah.
- .
.
pour on boiling water.
- That's it.
- Right.
Do you have to stir it? Oh, yeah, you have to stir it.
You wouldn't write it down for me, would you? - Yeah.
- Thanks.
(After Eight wrappers rustling) Do you know, l haven't even done the seating plan yet.
Seating plan, my arse.
Dad? During the afternoon, between 5:1 5 and 8:30 stroke 9:OO, we're going to be having a musical interlude where we'll be having music and, erm, and interludes.
- Oh! - But, aw, Dad, l was wondering, - would you play the banjo? - The bloody banjo on a Christmas Day? lt's not the sodding X Factor, love.
(Dave laughs) Oh, 'ey, do you know who called round earlier, Dave? - Who? - Cockney bloody Bob! - Cockney Bob? - Yeah.
What was he after? Well, he pretended he was passing, didn't he, and he'd just called in, but he wanted to swank off, as bloody usual.
What about? Well, he's had new UPVC windows fitted, hasn't he? - Has he? - Oh, aye.
You knowwhat? He sat there, where you are, with Barbara waiting on him hand and bloody foot, he had three cups oftea with two bloody sugars in every one, then ate two HobNobs, the greedy git.
l'd like to put a PVC brick through his PVC bloody windows! Oh, Jim! Do you mind? l mean, he's a nice fella, Cockney Bob.
Ooh, he showed me a picture of his new baby on his mobile phone.
- Aw.
What is it? - A boy.
- No, what phone? - Oh, l don't know.
One that takes photographs.
He didn't want you to look at his new baby, he wanted you to look at his new bloody Nokia bloody phone! Oh, for heaven's sake, Jim! You were as nice as pie to him when he was in here and as soon as he was out, you called him all the names under the sun.
Why didn't you say that to his face? Well, l didn't want to upset him, did l? He's a bloody mate of mine, isn't he? lt's no wonder you've got no sodding friends, Barb.
(Denise gasps) Dave, do you know Cockney Bob's wife, Cockney Carol? - Don't know.
- You do! She's a big girl.
She's got a bloody belly like a bean bag.
Not sure, no.
She's got no teeth on the top and she's always licking her bloody gums.
- You do know her.
- Don't know.
You do! She's got a bloody crooked nose like a boxer, like that.
She always looks as though she's sniffing her own ear.
Oh, l know who you mean now.
Cockney Carol.
Co l tell you what.
She is a smashing bloody girl, her.
l wouldn't hear a wrong word said about her.
(Wrapper rustling) (Doorbell) Aye, aye, who's that? Are you expecting anyone? No.
Do you know who it is, Dave? There's definitely someone at the door.
(Doorbell) - Who could it be? - l don't know.
(Doorbell) Well, there's still somebody there.
Listen.
That's three times they've rang the bell.
They definitely want us to answer it.
Yeah.
(Doorbell ringing rapidly) - Should l go? - (All) Yeah.
Go on, Barb.
Go on, Barb, you open it.
(Dave) Wonder who it is.
(Jamie Oliver) Right, Christmas to me is clementines Oh! (Laughs) lt's Santa! Come in, love! Ho-ho-ho! Ah, glad to see you back, Twiggles.
- When did you get back? - Er, yesterday.
Oh, not that Jamie Oliver again.
Aw.
Twiggy, would you like a snowball? Oh, no, thanks, Barb, l can't stand that shite.
Oh.
Would you like an Advocaat? Yeah, go on, l'll have one ofthem.
And can you put us a drop of lemonade in it, Barb? Yeah.
- There you are, Twiggy.
- Oh, ta, love.
l was sorry to hear about you and Cheryl splitting up.
Yeah, it's OK, Barb.
(Glasses clinking) - Fancy her dumping you like that.
- l know.
l mean, what's that bloke with the burger van got that l haven't? (Dave) Mmm.
(Denise) Yeah.
Ta.
Well, you're looking well.
Recharged the old batteries, haven't l? - Put a bit ofweight on.
- Well, put a few pounds on, but you do, don't you? Having said that, the food wasn't as good as last year.
Oh, that's a shame.
Still, it's not what you go for, is it? You go for the craic with the lads.
(All) Yeah.
(Jim) You're right there.
What were you inside for this time, Twiggy? Oh, just the usual, bit of fraud, nothing serious.
No.
And how long did you do in the end? Er, 1 2 months.
Do you know, 1 2 months is just about right.
- (Barbara) Is it? - l mean, 1 8 months is too much.
- (All) Yeah.
- And six months, well, l mean, - just not enough, is it? - (All) No.
Well, it's great to have you back, Twiggo.
Thank you, Jim.
Hey you know my eldest, our Lee? (All) Yeah.
- He was in there as well.
- (Jim) Oh, nice one, nice one! l only get to see him at weekends normally, but in there l got to see him all the time.
- Worked out great.
- Aw! lsn't it good how prison brings people together? (Both) Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely, if you've got some chestnuts Hey, l'll tell you what, though.
l've only been in 1 2 months, l've come out, and what a mess the world's in.
(All) Yeah.
Five pence for a carrier bag! (Denise) It's disgusting.
(Dave) l know.
That won't affect you, will it, Twig? You generally walk out with everything stuffed in your inside bloody pocket! (Laughter) You could get one ofthose bags for life.
(Jim) l've got one - she's sitting next to you on the couch! - (Laughter) - Jim! Sorry, Barb.
Hey, l'll tell you who was in there and all.
Crusty Kev.
Crusty bloody Kev! Was he? He's gone and bought himself one ofthem Thai brides.
- (Dave) Has he? - Yeah! Hey l've only ordered meself one.
(All) Aw! (Dave) Congratulations, Twiggy! (Jim) Hey-hey! She's, er She's being delivered in six to eight weeks.
l mean, l haven't paid the full whack up front.
- Oh, bugger that.
- l'm doing it on instalments cos then, like, if she's no good l can send her back within 28 days, you see.
- Ooh, that's good.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
Are they good value for money, these Thai brides? Value for money? While he's been inside, Crusty Kev's Thai bride has only cleared the gutters, put a new aerial on the roof and flagged the drive.
She's only six stone wet through! Well, it's about time you had some romance in your life, Twiggy.
- Mm, yeah.
- Mm.
- Does she speak English, Twiggy? - No.
And l'm gonna make sure no bugger teaches it to her, either.
(Laughter) Thai brides.
Didn't have anything like that in our day.
- No, l wish they bloody did.
- Thanks, Jim! - What does she look like, Twiggy? - 'Ey, she's a real belter! l'll tell you what, l'll bring the catalogue and you can have a look.
(Denise) Oh, yeah.
And have you sent her a photograph of yourself? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, she's only got her-bloody-selfto blame.
(Laughs) Well, l didn't actually send her a photo of me.
l sent her a picture of, er Vernon Kay.
l cut it out of TV Quick.
Vernon Kay! (Family Fortunes wrong answer noise) You've got a bloody brass neck, you have, Twiggo.
So, er, what is you all doing tomorrow? Wellbit ofthis, a bit ofthat.
Nothing special.
Only you could've come to mine but, l mean, l haven't got a stove.
We're all having Christmas dinner at our house tomorrow, Twig.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
That's really kind of you.
- Are you having turkey? - Yeah.
- Can l have a leg? - Yeah.
Oh, great.
(Chuckles) Right, better get off.
Left me old mam in the car.
Oh, why didn't you bring her in? Well, there were some dodgy-looking hoodies eyeing up the motor.
l didn't wanna leave it unattended.
You're better safe than sorry, Twiggo.
Good auld Nellie.
How is she? Has she still get the old shaving rash? Yeah.
l tell you what, must be three or four years since l've last seen your ma, but you know what, l love the bloody bones ofthat auld woman.
You give her my love, Twiggo.
Well, she's only outside if you wanna go and have a word.
Er, no, no, it's better coming from you.
You've got a way with words, haven't you? - Right.
Well, l'll get off.
- (Barbara) Jim give Twiggy one ofthose After Eights to give to his mam.
There's only There's only the auld wrappers left, Barb.
Oh, never mind, never mind.
Listen, l'll see you all tomorrow.
Thanks again, Dave.
(Barbara) Bye, Twig.
(Dave) Bye, Twig.
Dave! What did you invite him for? - l didn't.
- You did, you bloody gobshite.
He'll eat us out of house and frigging home.
l wouldn't mind, l've only got six Mary Pipers.
Well, can't you cut 'em in half? Oh, Dave, you big gop.
Then there'd be 1 2.
l don't want to overface people.
- No.
- (Jim) Well l'm offto do a yuletide log.
(Gasps) l tell you what, that Thai girl's in a for a bit of a shock when she steps offthe plane.
Ooh, yeah.
You see, Dave? She's expecting to fall into the arms ofVernon Kay and she's ending up with bloody Peter Kay! (Laughter) (Denise and Barbara) Aww.
m .
(Louis Armstrong) # .
.
is the bluebird Here to stay is a new bird - (Applause on TV) - Happy Christmas! (Louis Armstrong) # He sings a love song As we go along Walking in a winter wonderland Merry Christmas, Jim! (Laughs and claps) # We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas - Mmmwah! - Oh, thanks, Barb.
Bloody 'ell.
Jim? Something under the tree for you.
- Get it for us, will you, Barb? - Yeah.
(Applause and cheering on TV) (Chuckles) Open it for us, will you, Barb? Yeah.
Socks! Why are you so surprised? You bought the buggers, didn't you? They're everyday socks with a day of the week wrote on them.
Monday.
Tuesday.
- Wednesday.
- All right, Barb.
Bloody 'ell, kid.
l get the idea.
l'm not bloody Forrest Gump, you know.
But say if l go down to the Pheasant on a Friday night and l've got Tuesday night's socks on, they're gonna think l'm a right bloody pillock, aren't they? l mean, see, that's the trouble.
You don't think things through, love, do ya? Denise! l've run the bath for ya! Thanks, Dave.
(She yawns) Can't believe we had to get up so early.
What time is it, Dave? Quarter to twelve.
Oh, we're all right.
They're not even getting here till two.
(Dave) l've got a feeling l should've took it out ofthe freezer last night.
(Noel Edmonds) This is something l've always wanted to do ever since l was at school.
Completely Got anything for me, Jim? Er, oh, yes, love, l got you a little, er, a baby pink, er, dressing gown, but it's still on the shelf in Matalan.
- Oh.
- It's the thought that counts, Barb.
Yeah.
(Edmonds) Good morning! (Children) Morning.
Oh, l wish it could be Christmas every day When the kids start singing and the band begins to play Whoa, oh l wish it could be Christmas every day Let the bells ring out for Christmas Doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo Doo-oo-oo, Christmas - (Children laughing) - Quiet, please.
Quiet.
l have a Christmas present for one of you.
Jim, do you think this top's Christmassy enough? - Yeah.
- Cos Dave's mum'll make an effort.
She always does.
Bloody Dolly Daydream? She won't know it's Christmas Day till bloody Boxing Day.
What's up with you, Jim? Oh, we've got to spend all day with that bloody idiot.
- Who, Dave? - No, Dave's dad, David Senior.
He gets on me bloody nerves with his Ford Mondeo and his leather bloody driving gloves.
Oh, cheer up, Jim.
lf he turns up again this year with his home-made rhubarb wine, God blimey, last year it gave me the shites till New Year's Eve.
Jim! Go and smarten yourself up.
Go on.
- l'm all right as l am, Barb.
- Jim, we're gonna be late.
(Groans) l wish you'd have got me some everyday undies, Barb.
lt's been Sunday all week in these buggers.
(Laughs) (Groans) Walking in a winter wonderland Walking in a winter wonderland (Spits) - Denise? - Yeah? l've finished.
Do you want me to leave the water in for you? - Yeah.
Thanks, Dave.
- OK.
Very merry Christmas l love this meal, l love itfar too much to risk anything going wrong, so l have devised my plan of action, and l use it year in, year out, and l'm notjust enthusiastic, l am evangelical about it.
Merry Christmas, baby Merry Christmas, baby Time to parboil the potatoes, which simply means Have we got a parboiler? No, combi boiler.
- Boil awayforfour minutes.
- Oh, shame.
But instead ofdredging them in flour, as is the usual practice Are you supposed to take them green things off? - l haven't.
- There's a sweetness to semolina and a slight graininess that makes them incredibly crunchy.
It's that time of year again Lots of parties, lots ofmiends Time to put the Christmas music on Wish it could be like this every day All our troubles far away We all love to sing a Christmas song (Gargling) Hoh, hoo-hoo! - (Denise laughs) - What did you put in it? Blue Nun, blue vodka, blue WKD, then 7-Up, you know, for those who don't drink.
- Good idea.
- Mm.
- # But there's no snow - Mmm.
Do you think it needs a touch more vodka? - Yeah, go on.
- Yeah.
lt's Christmas, innit? It's that time of year again Lots of parties, lots ofmiends - # Time to put the Christmas music on - Get it in.
Wish it could be like this every day - Hey, Dave.
- Mm? Do you know what l'm just thinking now? - Yeah? - Ifwe had some fruit in it it would make it look really tropical.
Do you know what l mean? Right, yeah.
(Dave) Ooh, yes.
(Grunts) Thanks.
Perfect! Has done us proud Even Rudolph'sjoining in upon his cloud Hey, Dave.
How are you doing with the swan napkins? Yeah, l've done 'em now.
Oh, they look absolutely stunning.
- Yeah.
Not easy, they're very tricky.
- Yeah.
Have you plugged the Ambi Pur Winter Woodland in? - Check.
- Great.
- (Doorbell) - (Gasps) Oh, Dave! The turkey! We've got to get it shifted.
Erm - It's still frozen.
- Put it in the airing cupboard.
- That's it.
- Shite! - (Denise) Quick, come on.
- (Doorbell) Don't just dribble it, Dave.
Boot it! That's it.
- (Doorbell) - Hurry, Dave.
(Grunts) Come on.
Oh! (Laughs) - Oh, hiya, Mam.
- Merry Christmas, Denise! - Merry Christmas.
- (Jim) Hiya, Denise.
Hiya.
- Happy Christmas, Dad! - Merry Christmas, Jim! All right, all right.
- Come through.
- Oh, look, Jim.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, Denise, it's like Santa's grotto.
Oh, it's so Look at the tree, Jim! Ooh, Denise.
ls this the new sofa? Yeah.
Oh, it's lovely.
- It's flame retarded.
- Is it? Oh, Jim, it's flame retarded.
Erm, right, l've got to go back in the kitchen.
- l'm just gonna baste the turkey.
- (Gasps) Oh, Denise.
Baste, my arse.
Er, your mam and dad not arrived yet, Dave? - No.
- Oh, come on.
They haven't cancelled on us, have they, son? No, they'll be here in a minute.
(Barbara) Jim.
- Mam? - Yeah? Do you think we need any more condiments on the table? Oh, no, it looks gorgeous, Denise.
- Really? - Yeah.
l think the kids have been messing with your serviettes, though.
They're Dave's swans! My swans.
(Jim) Swans? Where did you get them from, Dave? Bloody Chernobyl? - (Laughter) - (Doorbell) Ooh! What are you doing, Jim? l'm changing these bloody places, that's what.
l'm not sitting by David Senior all afternoon.
He's a right knobhead.
Hey, have you seen the table? lt's Dave's bloody paste table, isn't it? The little tight-arse.
Why didn't they get a proper bloody table? Jim.
Dad, Mam, look, it's Jocelyn.
- Ah.
- (Barbara) Oh.
Merry Christmas, Jocelyn.
Merry Christmas, Barbara.
(Chuckles) Merry Christmas, Jocelyn.
Merry Christmas, Jim.
(Chuckles) ls, er, David Senior not with you today? Oh, he's just parallel-parking the Mondeo.
(Barbara) Ooh.
You look lovely, Jocelyn.
Have you lost weight? - No.
- Oh.
Have you put a bit on? - No, l'm the same as l was last time.
- Oh.
Jim, Jocelyn's exactly the same as last time we saw her.
Oh, well done, Jocelyn, well done.
Come and sit down.
lt's lovely.
(Chuckles) - It's flame retarded.
- Mm.
- It's comfy.
- Yeah.
- (Squeaking) - (Both chuckle) (Jocelyn chuckles) (# Jingle Bell Rock playing on stereo) (Door opens) Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock (Door shuts, footsteps) Season's greetings, one and all! - mw.
- (Jocelyn chuckles) Merry Christmas, ''Barbera''.
Oh, merry Christmas, DavidSenior.
(David Senior laughs) Merry Christmas, Denise.
Merry Christmas, David Senior.
Merry Christmas, Jimbo.
(Dave) Hiya, Dad.
Merry Christmas, David! lt's been a terrible year for me parsnips Ah, well, we've all got our cross to bear, eh? .
.
but the rhubarb has been as consistent as ever so l'm delighted to hand over forthwith a bottle of, wait for it, that old favourite the rhubarb wine! (Cheering and clapping) - Thank you.
- Strong stuff, is that.
A couple of glasses, we'll all be talking rhubarb! (Both laugh) The fun starts right here, Jimbo! There'll be banter like this all day.
Get us a large bloody drink, will you, Dave? Please! Right, OK.
Can l just take your coat, please, Dad? - Certainly.
- Thank you.
- Barbara, can l take your coat? - Thanks, Dave.
Mum? - Thank you.
- Thank you, David.
Thank you.
Excrement in the exhaust pipe.
What? This morning, Jimbo.
Excrement in the exhaust pipe.
What did you do that for? No, not me, next-door neighbours.
The ongoing hedge dispute.
They put excrement in the exhaust pipe ofthe Mondeo.
Ooh.
Who needs excrement on a Christmas morning? lndeed.
Gagging, weren't you, Jocelyn, trying to scrape it out.
Oh, yes, l was, Barbara.
Well, you would be.
Anybody with an ounce of decency would be.
(David Senior) What a terrible year it's been.
l never thought the country would be in this big a mess.
- Did you, Barbera? - No, no.
It's shocking.
Yes, it's terrible.
5p for a carrier bag! Hey, you're right, it's a bloody disgrace! Fair point well made, Jimbo.
(Bell tinkling) Erm, l just want to run through today's schedule.
First of all we're doing mingling, and that'll be accompanied by tropical punch which Dave, my husband, will shortly be bringing round on a trolley.
- Can you confirm that, Dave? - Yes.
(Barbara) On a trolley! (Chuckling) Also on the trolley there are aperitifs, in brackets Hula Hoops.
Followed by table attending in line with the seating plan.
Bloody hell, Denise, get on with it! Napkins are then going to be adorned.
David used to make them into swans when he was little.
He's done them, look, they're on the table.
(Laughs) There they are.
Let's hope they don't eat all the bread, eh, Jimbo? (Laughter) Dave, have you got page three ofthe schedule? No.
Oh, we'll just have to play the rest by ear.
Balls to the bloody schedule! Get the bloody booze out here! Well, if you can all start the mingling now then Dave will bring out the trolley.
- Dave? - What? - Trolley.
- Now? Yes.
Oh, Denise.
Hasn't she thought it all through, Jocelyn? Yes.
(Clang, sloshing) l don't ever remember mingling at Christmas.
No, well, it's odd mingling when there's only the two of you, isn't it? Tropical punch, anyone? Ooh, Dave! Oh, David! Very Caribbean.
- Don't you think so, Barbara? - Oh, yes.
Tropical punch! Can you taste the ambience in it, Mum? - Ooh, yeah! (Laughs) - Yeah? Top marks for presentation - and service, David.
- Thank you.
Can't you just bloody hand them out instead of pushing that bloody trolley - all over the sodding room? - Jim! Don't ruin the mingling.
Oh.
(Chuckles) l'd like to be the first to propose a toast.
mw .
To two families joined together - by a turkey dinner.
- mw.
To turkey dinners! Turkey dinners! (Barbara) Oh.
Shouldn't we be toasting something else, David? Have you told them about the management buyout? Well, l was waiting till we'd done the mingling.
Yeah, fair point well made, David, but this is no time for false modesty.
Oh, tell them, David! (Barbara) What is it, Dave? Bloody hell, Dave, are you gonna tell us, lad, or what? Well, you know old Stan at work? - Yeah.
- Well, he's retiring, and he's asked me if l want to buy his van off him, so l said yes.
Bravo! And to think he's never passed an exam in his life.
Them teachers - r-remedial.
l ask you.
A toast! To David! And his management buyout.
David's management buyout! (Sighing and chuckling) (Barbara) David, aw.
Oh, l do like your new sofa, Denise.
- Aw, do ya? - Mmm.
Dave, why don't we show 'em the trick what it does? (Dave) Oh, yeah.
(Barbara) Oh, does it do a trick? Right, Mam, just let me shift these.
Right? One, two, three (Both whoop and laugh) Y Does my seat not do it? No, because if it did it'd be a bloody bed, wouldn't it? Er Fair point well made, Jimbo.
Dad, why don't you have a recline? - No.
- Oh, come on, Jim! Come and have a recline.
- No! - Oh, go on, Jim.
No, l'll all right, thank you, Jocelyn.
lt reminds me of lying down.
Doesn't it you, Barbara? Yeah, do you know, l know exactly what you mean.
Oh! (Laughs) Oh, isn't it a magical time, Christmas? Yeah.
Do you want a recline, David Senior? Oh, no, l'm all right, Barbera.
l'm enjoying watching you recline.
mw .
Go on, have a recline.
- (Jocelyn) Go on! - Oh, well, if you insist.
(Ladies laughing) Up you get.
Give us your drink.
Ready, steady recline! (Whooping, laughter) Oh, this is marvellous, Barbera! Come on, Jimbo, don't you want a go? No, l don't want to! Don't decline a recline! (Laughter) lf l wanted to recline l would've stayed in bloody bed, wouldn't l? Bloody sorry l never, now.
Oh, Jim.
Can't you recline for your own family on Christmas Day? Oh, hey! (Laughs) Oh! The louder you scream, the faster we go! (Laughter) - Try the other one.
- Is it just as good? l don't know.
Have a try.
- Come on, try this one.
- Come on, Jocelyn.
Get over here and l'll set you up.
Ready, steady, go! (Shrieking and laughing) (David Senior laughing) - Oh, hey, Barbera? - Yes? - This reclining - Yeah? - .
.
it's wearing me out! - (Jocelyn shrieks and laughs) (Ladies laughing) Dave, l require some assistance in the kitchen vicinity, please.
- What you doing in there, Dave? - Mingling.
Mingling? They're supposed to be mingling! - You're not supposed to be mingling.
- l was only listening to them mingling.
They can be mingling without you listening to them mingling.
- Well, when can l do mingling? - You've done mingling! - No more mingling.
- Well, shall l get the turkey? Yes.
Get the turkey.
Don't go.
Let me just see.
- Don't want them to see you.
- What are they doing? - Mingling.
- Mingling? Now, Dave.
Go now.
- Now? - Yes, Dave! (Sighs) (David Senior) Then the second day, as you know, that's two turtle doves.
Er, the third day is three French hens.
Er, the fourth day, that's four calling birds.
And then it's Five go-old rings - (Bang) - Dave! - Don't put it on the cup-a-soups.
- Then it's six geese a-laying.
Er, seven swans a-swimming.
Now, the eighth day, that's the one a lot of people get wrong.
lt's eight maids a-milking.
Then it's nine ladies dancing.
Er, ten lords a-leaping.
Eleven, er, pipers piping.
And finally twelve drummers drumming.
(Banging) (David Senior) # Twelve drummers drumming Eleven pipers piping Ten lords a-leaping Nine ladies dancing Eight maids a-milking Seven swans a-swimming Six geese a-laying Five go-old rings! Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree Five go-old rings! (Grinding sounds) Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree (David Senior) # Seven swans a-swimming Six geese a-laying Five go-old rings! Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree - (Jocelyn whoops) - (David Senior) Ohhhh! (Laughter) (Barbara) Oh, Jim.
(Burps) (Twiggy) Ho-ho-ho! - Twiggy! - Hi, Barb.
- All right, Twiggo? - All right, Jim? Er, here y'are, Dave.
l would've got more, only the dog started barking, - l had to leg it.
- Oh, cheers, Twiggy.
Oh, Twiggy, this is me mum, Jocelyn.
Mum, this is Twiggy.
- Hello, Twiggy! - Hello, Jocelyn! Ooh! - (Jim) Good old Twiggo! - All right, Barb? Aw, happy Christmas.
Twiggy, this is me dad, David Senior.
- Dad, this is Twiggy.
- Hello, Twiggy! David Senior.
Four years in the RAF, 30 years in the Prudential and 40 years in the doghouse with me wife, Jocelyn.
Twig, do you wanna sit down, pal? Oh, yeah.
Ta, Dave.
- Tropical punch? - Oh, yeah, go on.
Hey, l haven't missed the turkey, have l? (Dave) Oh, no, not yet.
- Am l still getting a leg? - (Denise) Yeah.
(Louis Armstrong) # In the meadow we can build a snowman And then pretend that he is Parson Brown More Château Lafite-Rhubarb, Jimbo? Hasn't your Jim got a lovely big head for hats, Barbara? You know, everybody says that, Jocelyn.
You know, Jocelyn Dave said you were in hospital a few months ago.
Yes.
l've had an unruly bowel, Barbara.
Oh, Jocelyn.
An unruly bowel? Yes.
It was out of control all summer.
But, you know, the people at easyJet, they were so understanding.
(Barbara) Aw.
Me mam was a martyr to her bowels.
Wasn't she, Jim? But she was the other way - impacted.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
ln the end, the gave her a barium enema.
Do you know, they found things that were Iodged up there since the early '60s.
Oh! (Laughs) - Er, Barbera? - Yes? She sounds like a wonderful woman.
Aw, thank you, David Senior.
(Chuckles) Does anyone want some bread? (All) Yes, please! Do you want oblongs or triangles? (Jim) Oblongs for me, please.
(Dave) Triangles for me, please, Denise.
Well, l usually have triangles.
- Oh.
Do you, Jocelyn? - Yes.
Can l have triangles like, erm, Jocelyn, please? - Yeah.
- Denise, can l have an oblong and a triangle? No, you can't, because then l'd have an oblong and a triangle left over.
Er, Jocelyn, er, would you join me in an oblong and a triangle? Erm, no, l think l'll stick to triangles.
Er, Jimbo, go Dutch with me? Oblong and a triangle? Just pass the bloody loaf over, will you, Denise? Bloody hell, come on.
Here, give that to Crying Arse.
- Triangle.
- Thanks.
- Triangle.
- Thanks, Jim.
Here, oblong.
Oblongo.
Two there for you, Twiggles.
Ta.
Oh, oblong.
We've got satellite TV now, Barbara.
- Ooh.
- We're Sky-plussing the Queen.
l love the royal family.
l saw a documentary about the Queen the other day, and do you know who l think she's got a likeness of? Helen Mirren.
- Oh! - (Twiggy) Yeah, Helen Mirren.
Helen Mirren, do you know, she's 79 years of age now and still perky as ever.
Aren't they, Twig? Ooh-ooh! - You're not wrong there, Jim! (Laughs) - Beep-beep! You havin' that, Dave? No, no, but do you know who l like? The Queen Mother.
Cos you're not always reading about her in the papers.
She's not one for publicity like these modern ones.
Well, she just gets on with it, there's no fuss.
- Jocelyn.
- Mm? She's dead.
- Is she? - Yeah.
ls everyone enjoying their soup? - Yeah! - (Jim) Lovely, lovely, Denise! Denise, the soupis super! (Ladies laugh) l've used that on several social occasions, haven't l, Jocelyn? lt always gets a laugh.
(Barbara) Super soup! - Would anybody like some more? - (Jim) l'll have some more, please! (Twiggy) l'll have some more, Denise.
Here y'are, Dave.
- (Elvis) # l'll have a blue Christmas - Oh, this is more like it.
The King! - Elvis Presley.
- # Without you l-l loved Elvis.
- He died on the lavatory.
- (Gasps) His own? Er, yes.
First floor, Gracelands, Memphis, Tennessee.
Ooh, thank goodness he died on his own toilet.
You'd hate to die on somebody else's toilet, wouldn't you, Barbara? There's nothing like your own toilet for dying on.
Fair point well made, Barbera.
Strange, isn't it, all them number ones, and yet it was a number two that killed him.
Whoa, yes! El Elvis he was a twin, you know.
Oh, was he? Oh.
Any twins in your family, Jocelyn? No.
When David was little, though, he had an imaginary twin.
Did you, Dave? Yeah, we went everywhere together.
We were inseparable.
ln-separable.
Aw.
What happened to him, Dave? - We had a massive fall-out.
- mw.
David's imaginary twin he wet the bed.
- Didn't he, David? - Yeah.
Er, of course, it was David.
Er, l had to tell him that there was nothing to be ashamed of as l also was a wetter.
And my father, David Senior Senior, David's grandfather, Little David's great-grandfather, I he also was a wetter as was his father David Senior Senior S'enior my grandfather, David's great-grandfather, Little David's great-great-grandfather.
He also was a wetter.
There was no stigma being a wetter in them days, you see.
Erm, any wetters, er, in your family, Jimbo, that you know of? (Growls) Dave, could you get in here now, please? (Sniffs) - Is everything all right, Denise? - Yes, everything's fine, thank you.
(Sobbing) - What's wrong? - What's wrong, Dave? Look, that's the bloomin' Mary Pipers, they've gone wrong, and you said you would help me with the gravy, and l had to put the Oxo in the gravy, do all the stirring ofthe gravy, and your dad's carrots was all dead hard from the allotments, and l can't get the Stork in them, and trust you, Dave, trust you, Dave, to win a bloody turkey that we can't get in the oven and only got two legs, and you know everybody wanted a leg off ofthat turkey, and all you're doing is mingling, mingling in your piano tie, it's all you want, to be in there mingling with that bloody piano tie, and everybody Dave Mingle Best, that's what you should be, mingling should be your middle name.
And no, not a man, because when l said who wants triangles and who wants oblongs, any man would've said, ''Oh, l'll just have oblongs.
'' ''Oh, l'll just have triangles.
'' Oh, no.
And then you No, but you never ever have triangles, but just because they're having, you were showing off, ''l'll have triangles, Denise.
'' And every single thing's gone wrong and we can't even serve it now.
And everything l can't That's still frozen, that thing, and everything And l've l can't get the Stork to melt into it like it did, I and all l wanted, all l wanted for was just a day like Nigella's, that's all l wanted was it to be like Nigella's.
(Sobs) Dave lt still can be, Denise.
(Sobs) Do you think? Oh (Sobs) (Muffled sobbing) Erm, excuse me.
We've got something to say.
Er, we've made a couple of mistakes.
(Denise) Erm, the roast potatoes have gone all overdone, and, erm, l got the timings wrong on the turkey.
Oh, don't be worrying about that! - It's all right.
- Be fine.
- Bring it out as it is.
- Should we? (All) Yeah.
(Twiggy) Fancy getting upset over that.
- (Jim) Bloody hell.
- She's never done it before.
- No, and timing's difficult, isn't it? - (Twiggy) It is, yeah, course it is.
(Sobbing) There's the roast potatoes.
And this is the turkey.
That's not a bloody turkey, Dave, that's bloody roadkill.
- (Barbara) Jim.
- l was just thinking see that leg there, l could put that into the toaster maybe.
You like a leg, don't you, Twiggy? Yeah.
No, thanks, Denise.
Actually, you know, l'm not that keen on turkey, really.
No, l'm not bothered about turkey.
- Take it away, Denise.
- (All) Yeah.
(Barbara) Did you save anything, Denise? Er, yeah, the carrot crush.
(Cheering) - David Senior's home-grown carrots - Carrot crush! Carrot crush! - .
.
to the rescue! - (Cheering, laughter) - (Twiggy) Oh, look at this.
- Oh! Here y'are, give us a big dollop.
- Lovely, lovely.
- (Cheering) (Jocelyn) Lovely.
(Ladies whooping) A toast! To David Senior's home-grown carrots! (Cheering) Toast, my arse.
Bloody Christmas without a turkey?! - Bloody hell! - Oh, Jim! - (Twiggy) It looks great, this.
- Er, Barbera? - Yes? - See, it's all down to the manure.
Ooh, yeah.
- Mm, yeah, you can really taste it.
- (Jocelyn) Mm.
- Can't you, Jocelyn? - Ooh, it's lovely.
Oh, you get fed up with turkey at Christmas, don't you? Would you like some gravy on your Christmas dinner, Mam? Yes, please, David.
Ooh, lovely.
- And over here.
- Oh, lovely, Dave.
- Dad? - Ooh, no, thanks, David.
l do not want to sully the crush.
Jim, do you want some gravy on your Christmas dinner? What bloody Christmas dinner? lt would've been a different story, Barbera, - if me parsnips had come good.
- Yes.
Aw.
Now, l don't want to embarrass you, but can l just say again how lovely this carrot crush is, Denise? Oh, thank you, Jocelyn.
Mm, it's got thatthat lovely aftertaste.
What's that? lt's, erm, Stork.
Yes, that's it.
Oh, and this gravy, it's delicious.
Aw, thank you, Jocelyn.
That's my mum's recipe.
ls it, Barbara? Oh, l must get that off you.
Does anyone want some more? - No.
- No, no, thanks, love.
lt's very, very filling, you know, love.
Very filling.
I Er, whatwhat line of business, er are you in, Twiggy? Oh, you know, bit ofthis, bit ofthat.
l've just come out.
Nothing wrong with that.
Both Jocelyn and myself voted for Biggins when he was in the jungle, and we never miss Gok Wan.
He's (Laughs) He hasn't come out the closet.
He's just come out the bloody prison! (Laughter) Stupid me! - l like prison films.
- Ooh, so do l.
(Denise) Yeah.
l love anything with anyone being captured.
Ooh, that, erm Oh, what was it? Er, Birdman OfAlcatraz.
- Oh, yes, yes.
- (Jim) Burt Lancaster.
Good old Burt.
- Why was he called the Birdman? - Cos he shat on all the windowsills.
You havin' that one, Twiggo? Thank you, David.
Have you ever been inside, David Senior? Er, n-no, but, er l got locked up one night in the Odeon after l fell asleep watching Brokeback Mountain.
So, you know, l can empathise.
Oh, Barbera, foraging around under the seats all night for bits of popcorn.
mw .
l used to have a pen pal in prison in America.
- Did you? - l used to write to him via airmail.
- Ooh! Did you, Jocelyn? - Mm.
- He was on death row.
- (Gasping) He'd battered and brutally murdered SeVen WOmen.
But he had beautiful handwriting, Barbara.
- Did he? - Mm.
(Barbara) Ooh.
Oh, l was sorry to hear about your cat, Jocelyn.
Oh, thank you, Barbara.
- (Twiggy) What's up with it? - It's got Alzheimer's.
Doesn't even know us now.
Did you read about that auld widow in Surrey? (Barbara) No.
(Jocelyn) No.
She only left f420,OOO in her will to her bloody cat.
- Get away! - No! Fancy that, a bloody auld shit machine swanning round bloody Surrey with half a million quid in its pocket.
Bloody hell.
What was it called? What bloody difference would that make, Dave? See, that's why all the cats round here are going missing, cos they're all pissing off down to Surrey.
- Jim! - Oh, come on, Barb.
Bloody hell, we're sitting here having carrot crush, and that greedy bloody cat, what's it having? John bloody West bloody tuna! l wanted a cat but we've not got a cat flap.
(Jocelyn) Aw.
Er, Cassandra Colby-Colshaw, er, my chiropodist, and incidentally, Barbera, the country's Ieading corn remover bar none - nOne - her cat only has one ball.
- (Gasps) - He's a uniball.
- Ooh.
- A uniball? Uniball.
Erm, do you know thatthat man, he always played a baddy in the old war films? What was he called? He had, like, a tache there.
- (Jim) Hitler.
- Hitler.
Erm, he only had one ball.
- Hitler was a uniball? - Yeah.
History's most famous uniball, l'd say, Barbera.
Oh.
Which ball do you think was missing, the left or the right? lt wouldn't make any bloody difference, Dave, if he only had the one.
lt'd be there in the middle.
ln the middle.
Fair point well made, Jimbo.
Do you think that's why he was always in such a bad mood? - Ooh, well, it couldn't have helped.
- Fair point well made also, Barbera.
No, Cassandra Colby-Colshaw, my chiropodist, and incidentally the country's leading corn remover bar none - none - she lost her husband, Clarence Colby-Colshaw, er, in the summer, in, erm August? No, in Aldi.
They found him in the tomatoes, Barbara.
- Did they? - (Jocelyn) Poor man.
He'd been suffering for years from déjà vu.
- Oh, l'm sorry to hear that.
- mw.
But at least being married to a chiropodist, - his feet were corn free.
- Oh, yeah.
(Jim) # Corn free! As free as the wind blows As free as the grass grows When you're corn free! (Cheering) (# Banjo and tambourine playing) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose And if you ever saw him You would even say it glows All ofthe other reindeer used to laugh and call him names They wouldn't let poor Rudolph Join in any reindeer games Oh, till one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say Oh, Rudolph with your nose so bright Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Then all the reindeers loved him And they shouted out in glee Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer You'll go down in history! (Jim) Hey-hey! Good old Rudolph! (Cheering) (Slow strumming) Oh, the weather outside is frightful But the fire is so delightful And since you've no place to go Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow When we finally kiss good night How l hate going out in the storm But as long as you hold me tight All the way home l'll be warm Oh, the weather outside is frightful - # But the fire is so delightful - (Jim humming along) And since we've no place to go Let it snow, let it snow, Iet it snow (Cheering) Good old David Senior.
Jimbo, l thought we could have a David Senior, Twiggo, Jimbo jamboree.
What about, what about How does it go? # You - (Higher note) # You - # o # o, yo, yo, yo.
Better not shout, you'd better not cry You'd better not pout, l'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town Here we go, happy New Year! He's making a list, he's checking it twice He's going to find out who's naughty and nice Santa Claus is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows when you've been bad or good So be good for goodness' sake! Oi! You better watch out You better not cry You'd better not pout, l'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town (Jim) The chorus, the chorus! He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake Oh, Jim.
l've really enjoyed today.
Have you? - l have, yeah.
- mw.
- Didn't our Denise do well, eh? - Yeah.
- l was proud ofthat girl today.
- Yeah.
mw .
Barb, could you do us a favour in the morning? - Yeah.
- Get me up nice and early, please.
- Early? What for? - Yeah.
l want to put some more excrement in Dave's dad's Mondeo exhaust pipe.
Oh, Jim! Fair point well made, Jimbo.
Hmm.
Hey, Barb, you know, erm - You know, of a Christmas Day night - Yeah? .
.
you're normally too tired to give me me little Christmas present, aren't you, because, well, you've been cooking all day.
Yeah.
Well, you haven't been cooking this year, have you? Oh, no.
What do you think? - Aw, come on, then.
- Ooh, Barb.
Hey, Jim.
- Jim.
- Ooh.
(Kissing) - Ooh, Jim! - Oh, Barb! - (She laughs) - Oh, Barb! - Oh, Jim! - Oh, Barb! - Oh-ho-ho, Jim! - (Grunts) Oh, Barb! (Grunting) God blimey, the bloody rhubarb wine! (Louis Armstrong) # Later on We'll conspire As we dream By there To face unamaid New plans that we made Walking In a winter wonderland Bogoooiddlyoheeoodleoo wonder1and
So, goose is done.
- # Walking in a winter wonderland # - So, let's have a look at this turkey.
Look at him, Barb.
He gets on my bloody nerves, these days, him.
Jamie bloody Oliver.
'Ey, with his juniper berries and his bloody cariumber.
- (Barbara laughs) - l mean who'd have that shite in the cupboard, eh? Doesn't he know there's a credit crunch on? We've just paid 5p for a bloody carrier bag, haven't we? And he's swanning all over the place trying to save the bloody world and all we wanna do is put the bloody chip pan back on.
- (Laughs) - 'Ey? Without giving it all that.
Look, look, look! - Olive oil, my arse! - (Laughs) Getfour orve leaves, andjust literally get your hand under that skin again and you canjustfan 'em out here, there and everhere.
And what's gonna happen is, as that butter melts - (Doorbell) - Get that, will ya, Barb? That'll be Jordan and Peter Anzacs, that.
(Both laugh) - Hiya, Denise.
- Aw, hiya, Mam.
- (Barbara) Are you all right? - Yeah.
Are you? - Yeah.
- (Dave) Hiya, Barbara.
- Hiya, Dave.
Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, Denise.
- Hiya, Jim.
- Hiya, Dave.
Dried cranberries are pretty apt, l reckon.
And l've got some blueberries, sour cherries.
So give that a little stir-up.
Take ham that butter and we'll give ham that butter per breast.
Once you've got that butter in, it's dead simple, just get your hand and sort of smear it all the way up the breast.
And at the end ofthe day, COmmOn SenSe.
.
.
Have you had your tea? (Both) Yeah.
What did you have? Well, you know l've been really busy, what with the Christmas meal tomorrow and everything, so we just shared Little David's selection box.
- mw.
- Didn't we, Dave? Mm, yeah.
Little bits around the carcass - Oh, Denise? - Yeah? What we having for starters tomorrow? Well erm, l'm thinking of cup-a-soups.
- Cup-a-soups? - Yeah, but with a twist.
Oh, what's the twist? lt's gonna be in a bowl, not a cup.
- (Dave) In a bowl.
- Oh, how lovely! Aw.
Bet you Nigella's quaking in her bloody boots there.
- It was my idea, Barbara.
- Was it, Dave? Dave! It was our idea, a joint decision made jointly.
Made it a joint decision jointly, Barbara, yeah, mm.
So, what have you jointly decided we're having after cup-a-soup? Well, l'm gonna get some Mary Piper potatoes and then l'm going to roast them and then baste them with a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
And then l'm doing - carrot crush.
- (Gasps) Carrots are from me dad's allotment.
- Are they, Dave? - Yeah.
What's that like, carrot crush? Well, it's Dave's dad's carrots off Dave's dad's allotment and l'm gonna boil 'em up and then l'm gonna crush 'em and then put on a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
- How is your dad, Dave? - Oh, he's all right, yeah.
Has he still got that dry crevice? - Yeah.
- (Tuts) Oh.
We're really looking forward to seeing them both tomorrow, aren't we, Jim? Oh, aye, yeah.
The highlight of my bloody year, this.
What we having for pudding, Denise? Well, l'm just gonna go down the traditional Christmas route.
Ooh, Wall's Viennetta! Yeah.
- But with a twist.
- Twist.
What's the twist? l haven't really thought up that twist yet.
Yeah.
Are you looking forward to Christmas, Dave? Yeah.
l just want peas.
(Barbara) Oh, we all want peace at Christmas, Dave.
No, peas.
l don't fancy that carrot crush.
(All laugh) - Do you want a leg tomorrow, Dad? - Mmm.
l'd love a leg, Denise.
- Do you want a leg, Mam? - Ooh, yes, please, Denise.
- Do you want a leg, Dave? - Ooh, yeah, please.
- Me dad usually has a leg as well.
- Right.
Bloody hell, Denise, what are we having, love, a bloody octopus? (All laugh) What time are you taking the kids over to Anthony's? Oh, they're already there.
They're having a little sleepover.
Oh.
Won't you miss seeing their faces when they open their presents in the morning? No.
We've thought ofthat and we've got Anthony to take a little picture ofthem on his mobile.
lt's not a day for kids, really, Christmas, is it? No.
- Oh, Mam? - Yeah? Remind me again how you make your gravy? Oh, well - you get an Oxo cube - Yeah.
.
.
then you take the silver paper off - Yeah.
- .
.
put it in a bowl - Yeah.
- .
.
pour on boiling water.
- That's it.
- Right.
Do you have to stir it? Oh, yeah, you have to stir it.
You wouldn't write it down for me, would you? - Yeah.
- Thanks.
(After Eight wrappers rustling) Do you know, l haven't even done the seating plan yet.
Seating plan, my arse.
Dad? During the afternoon, between 5:1 5 and 8:30 stroke 9:OO, we're going to be having a musical interlude where we'll be having music and, erm, and interludes.
- Oh! - But, aw, Dad, l was wondering, - would you play the banjo? - The bloody banjo on a Christmas Day? lt's not the sodding X Factor, love.
(Dave laughs) Oh, 'ey, do you know who called round earlier, Dave? - Who? - Cockney bloody Bob! - Cockney Bob? - Yeah.
What was he after? Well, he pretended he was passing, didn't he, and he'd just called in, but he wanted to swank off, as bloody usual.
What about? Well, he's had new UPVC windows fitted, hasn't he? - Has he? - Oh, aye.
You knowwhat? He sat there, where you are, with Barbara waiting on him hand and bloody foot, he had three cups oftea with two bloody sugars in every one, then ate two HobNobs, the greedy git.
l'd like to put a PVC brick through his PVC bloody windows! Oh, Jim! Do you mind? l mean, he's a nice fella, Cockney Bob.
Ooh, he showed me a picture of his new baby on his mobile phone.
- Aw.
What is it? - A boy.
- No, what phone? - Oh, l don't know.
One that takes photographs.
He didn't want you to look at his new baby, he wanted you to look at his new bloody Nokia bloody phone! Oh, for heaven's sake, Jim! You were as nice as pie to him when he was in here and as soon as he was out, you called him all the names under the sun.
Why didn't you say that to his face? Well, l didn't want to upset him, did l? He's a bloody mate of mine, isn't he? lt's no wonder you've got no sodding friends, Barb.
(Denise gasps) Dave, do you know Cockney Bob's wife, Cockney Carol? - Don't know.
- You do! She's a big girl.
She's got a bloody belly like a bean bag.
Not sure, no.
She's got no teeth on the top and she's always licking her bloody gums.
- You do know her.
- Don't know.
You do! She's got a bloody crooked nose like a boxer, like that.
She always looks as though she's sniffing her own ear.
Oh, l know who you mean now.
Cockney Carol.
Co l tell you what.
She is a smashing bloody girl, her.
l wouldn't hear a wrong word said about her.
(Wrapper rustling) (Doorbell) Aye, aye, who's that? Are you expecting anyone? No.
Do you know who it is, Dave? There's definitely someone at the door.
(Doorbell) - Who could it be? - l don't know.
(Doorbell) Well, there's still somebody there.
Listen.
That's three times they've rang the bell.
They definitely want us to answer it.
Yeah.
(Doorbell ringing rapidly) - Should l go? - (All) Yeah.
Go on, Barb.
Go on, Barb, you open it.
(Dave) Wonder who it is.
(Jamie Oliver) Right, Christmas to me is clementines Oh! (Laughs) lt's Santa! Come in, love! Ho-ho-ho! Ah, glad to see you back, Twiggles.
- When did you get back? - Er, yesterday.
Oh, not that Jamie Oliver again.
Aw.
Twiggy, would you like a snowball? Oh, no, thanks, Barb, l can't stand that shite.
Oh.
Would you like an Advocaat? Yeah, go on, l'll have one ofthem.
And can you put us a drop of lemonade in it, Barb? Yeah.
- There you are, Twiggy.
- Oh, ta, love.
l was sorry to hear about you and Cheryl splitting up.
Yeah, it's OK, Barb.
(Glasses clinking) - Fancy her dumping you like that.
- l know.
l mean, what's that bloke with the burger van got that l haven't? (Dave) Mmm.
(Denise) Yeah.
Ta.
Well, you're looking well.
Recharged the old batteries, haven't l? - Put a bit ofweight on.
- Well, put a few pounds on, but you do, don't you? Having said that, the food wasn't as good as last year.
Oh, that's a shame.
Still, it's not what you go for, is it? You go for the craic with the lads.
(All) Yeah.
(Jim) You're right there.
What were you inside for this time, Twiggy? Oh, just the usual, bit of fraud, nothing serious.
No.
And how long did you do in the end? Er, 1 2 months.
Do you know, 1 2 months is just about right.
- (Barbara) Is it? - l mean, 1 8 months is too much.
- (All) Yeah.
- And six months, well, l mean, - just not enough, is it? - (All) No.
Well, it's great to have you back, Twiggo.
Thank you, Jim.
Hey you know my eldest, our Lee? (All) Yeah.
- He was in there as well.
- (Jim) Oh, nice one, nice one! l only get to see him at weekends normally, but in there l got to see him all the time.
- Worked out great.
- Aw! lsn't it good how prison brings people together? (Both) Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely, if you've got some chestnuts Hey, l'll tell you what, though.
l've only been in 1 2 months, l've come out, and what a mess the world's in.
(All) Yeah.
Five pence for a carrier bag! (Denise) It's disgusting.
(Dave) l know.
That won't affect you, will it, Twig? You generally walk out with everything stuffed in your inside bloody pocket! (Laughter) You could get one ofthose bags for life.
(Jim) l've got one - she's sitting next to you on the couch! - (Laughter) - Jim! Sorry, Barb.
Hey, l'll tell you who was in there and all.
Crusty Kev.
Crusty bloody Kev! Was he? He's gone and bought himself one ofthem Thai brides.
- (Dave) Has he? - Yeah! Hey l've only ordered meself one.
(All) Aw! (Dave) Congratulations, Twiggy! (Jim) Hey-hey! She's, er She's being delivered in six to eight weeks.
l mean, l haven't paid the full whack up front.
- Oh, bugger that.
- l'm doing it on instalments cos then, like, if she's no good l can send her back within 28 days, you see.
- Ooh, that's good.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
Are they good value for money, these Thai brides? Value for money? While he's been inside, Crusty Kev's Thai bride has only cleared the gutters, put a new aerial on the roof and flagged the drive.
She's only six stone wet through! Well, it's about time you had some romance in your life, Twiggy.
- Mm, yeah.
- Mm.
- Does she speak English, Twiggy? - No.
And l'm gonna make sure no bugger teaches it to her, either.
(Laughter) Thai brides.
Didn't have anything like that in our day.
- No, l wish they bloody did.
- Thanks, Jim! - What does she look like, Twiggy? - 'Ey, she's a real belter! l'll tell you what, l'll bring the catalogue and you can have a look.
(Denise) Oh, yeah.
And have you sent her a photograph of yourself? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, she's only got her-bloody-selfto blame.
(Laughs) Well, l didn't actually send her a photo of me.
l sent her a picture of, er Vernon Kay.
l cut it out of TV Quick.
Vernon Kay! (Family Fortunes wrong answer noise) You've got a bloody brass neck, you have, Twiggo.
So, er, what is you all doing tomorrow? Wellbit ofthis, a bit ofthat.
Nothing special.
Only you could've come to mine but, l mean, l haven't got a stove.
We're all having Christmas dinner at our house tomorrow, Twig.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
That's really kind of you.
- Are you having turkey? - Yeah.
- Can l have a leg? - Yeah.
Oh, great.
(Chuckles) Right, better get off.
Left me old mam in the car.
Oh, why didn't you bring her in? Well, there were some dodgy-looking hoodies eyeing up the motor.
l didn't wanna leave it unattended.
You're better safe than sorry, Twiggo.
Good auld Nellie.
How is she? Has she still get the old shaving rash? Yeah.
l tell you what, must be three or four years since l've last seen your ma, but you know what, l love the bloody bones ofthat auld woman.
You give her my love, Twiggo.
Well, she's only outside if you wanna go and have a word.
Er, no, no, it's better coming from you.
You've got a way with words, haven't you? - Right.
Well, l'll get off.
- (Barbara) Jim give Twiggy one ofthose After Eights to give to his mam.
There's only There's only the auld wrappers left, Barb.
Oh, never mind, never mind.
Listen, l'll see you all tomorrow.
Thanks again, Dave.
(Barbara) Bye, Twig.
(Dave) Bye, Twig.
Dave! What did you invite him for? - l didn't.
- You did, you bloody gobshite.
He'll eat us out of house and frigging home.
l wouldn't mind, l've only got six Mary Pipers.
Well, can't you cut 'em in half? Oh, Dave, you big gop.
Then there'd be 1 2.
l don't want to overface people.
- No.
- (Jim) Well l'm offto do a yuletide log.
(Gasps) l tell you what, that Thai girl's in a for a bit of a shock when she steps offthe plane.
Ooh, yeah.
You see, Dave? She's expecting to fall into the arms ofVernon Kay and she's ending up with bloody Peter Kay! (Laughter) (Denise and Barbara) Aww.
m .
(Louis Armstrong) # .
.
is the bluebird Here to stay is a new bird - (Applause on TV) - Happy Christmas! (Louis Armstrong) # He sings a love song As we go along Walking in a winter wonderland Merry Christmas, Jim! (Laughs and claps) # We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas - Mmmwah! - Oh, thanks, Barb.
Bloody 'ell.
Jim? Something under the tree for you.
- Get it for us, will you, Barb? - Yeah.
(Applause and cheering on TV) (Chuckles) Open it for us, will you, Barb? Yeah.
Socks! Why are you so surprised? You bought the buggers, didn't you? They're everyday socks with a day of the week wrote on them.
Monday.
Tuesday.
- Wednesday.
- All right, Barb.
Bloody 'ell, kid.
l get the idea.
l'm not bloody Forrest Gump, you know.
But say if l go down to the Pheasant on a Friday night and l've got Tuesday night's socks on, they're gonna think l'm a right bloody pillock, aren't they? l mean, see, that's the trouble.
You don't think things through, love, do ya? Denise! l've run the bath for ya! Thanks, Dave.
(She yawns) Can't believe we had to get up so early.
What time is it, Dave? Quarter to twelve.
Oh, we're all right.
They're not even getting here till two.
(Dave) l've got a feeling l should've took it out ofthe freezer last night.
(Noel Edmonds) This is something l've always wanted to do ever since l was at school.
Completely Got anything for me, Jim? Er, oh, yes, love, l got you a little, er, a baby pink, er, dressing gown, but it's still on the shelf in Matalan.
- Oh.
- It's the thought that counts, Barb.
Yeah.
(Edmonds) Good morning! (Children) Morning.
Oh, l wish it could be Christmas every day When the kids start singing and the band begins to play Whoa, oh l wish it could be Christmas every day Let the bells ring out for Christmas Doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo Doo-oo-oo, Christmas - (Children laughing) - Quiet, please.
Quiet.
l have a Christmas present for one of you.
Jim, do you think this top's Christmassy enough? - Yeah.
- Cos Dave's mum'll make an effort.
She always does.
Bloody Dolly Daydream? She won't know it's Christmas Day till bloody Boxing Day.
What's up with you, Jim? Oh, we've got to spend all day with that bloody idiot.
- Who, Dave? - No, Dave's dad, David Senior.
He gets on me bloody nerves with his Ford Mondeo and his leather bloody driving gloves.
Oh, cheer up, Jim.
lf he turns up again this year with his home-made rhubarb wine, God blimey, last year it gave me the shites till New Year's Eve.
Jim! Go and smarten yourself up.
Go on.
- l'm all right as l am, Barb.
- Jim, we're gonna be late.
(Groans) l wish you'd have got me some everyday undies, Barb.
lt's been Sunday all week in these buggers.
(Laughs) (Groans) Walking in a winter wonderland Walking in a winter wonderland (Spits) - Denise? - Yeah? l've finished.
Do you want me to leave the water in for you? - Yeah.
Thanks, Dave.
- OK.
Very merry Christmas l love this meal, l love itfar too much to risk anything going wrong, so l have devised my plan of action, and l use it year in, year out, and l'm notjust enthusiastic, l am evangelical about it.
Merry Christmas, baby Merry Christmas, baby Time to parboil the potatoes, which simply means Have we got a parboiler? No, combi boiler.
- Boil awayforfour minutes.
- Oh, shame.
But instead ofdredging them in flour, as is the usual practice Are you supposed to take them green things off? - l haven't.
- There's a sweetness to semolina and a slight graininess that makes them incredibly crunchy.
It's that time of year again Lots of parties, lots ofmiends Time to put the Christmas music on Wish it could be like this every day All our troubles far away We all love to sing a Christmas song (Gargling) Hoh, hoo-hoo! - (Denise laughs) - What did you put in it? Blue Nun, blue vodka, blue WKD, then 7-Up, you know, for those who don't drink.
- Good idea.
- Mm.
- # But there's no snow - Mmm.
Do you think it needs a touch more vodka? - Yeah, go on.
- Yeah.
lt's Christmas, innit? It's that time of year again Lots of parties, lots ofmiends - # Time to put the Christmas music on - Get it in.
Wish it could be like this every day - Hey, Dave.
- Mm? Do you know what l'm just thinking now? - Yeah? - Ifwe had some fruit in it it would make it look really tropical.
Do you know what l mean? Right, yeah.
(Dave) Ooh, yes.
(Grunts) Thanks.
Perfect! Has done us proud Even Rudolph'sjoining in upon his cloud Hey, Dave.
How are you doing with the swan napkins? Yeah, l've done 'em now.
Oh, they look absolutely stunning.
- Yeah.
Not easy, they're very tricky.
- Yeah.
Have you plugged the Ambi Pur Winter Woodland in? - Check.
- Great.
- (Doorbell) - (Gasps) Oh, Dave! The turkey! We've got to get it shifted.
Erm - It's still frozen.
- Put it in the airing cupboard.
- That's it.
- Shite! - (Denise) Quick, come on.
- (Doorbell) Don't just dribble it, Dave.
Boot it! That's it.
- (Doorbell) - Hurry, Dave.
(Grunts) Come on.
Oh! (Laughs) - Oh, hiya, Mam.
- Merry Christmas, Denise! - Merry Christmas.
- (Jim) Hiya, Denise.
Hiya.
- Happy Christmas, Dad! - Merry Christmas, Jim! All right, all right.
- Come through.
- Oh, look, Jim.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, Denise, it's like Santa's grotto.
Oh, it's so Look at the tree, Jim! Ooh, Denise.
ls this the new sofa? Yeah.
Oh, it's lovely.
- It's flame retarded.
- Is it? Oh, Jim, it's flame retarded.
Erm, right, l've got to go back in the kitchen.
- l'm just gonna baste the turkey.
- (Gasps) Oh, Denise.
Baste, my arse.
Er, your mam and dad not arrived yet, Dave? - No.
- Oh, come on.
They haven't cancelled on us, have they, son? No, they'll be here in a minute.
(Barbara) Jim.
- Mam? - Yeah? Do you think we need any more condiments on the table? Oh, no, it looks gorgeous, Denise.
- Really? - Yeah.
l think the kids have been messing with your serviettes, though.
They're Dave's swans! My swans.
(Jim) Swans? Where did you get them from, Dave? Bloody Chernobyl? - (Laughter) - (Doorbell) Ooh! What are you doing, Jim? l'm changing these bloody places, that's what.
l'm not sitting by David Senior all afternoon.
He's a right knobhead.
Hey, have you seen the table? lt's Dave's bloody paste table, isn't it? The little tight-arse.
Why didn't they get a proper bloody table? Jim.
Dad, Mam, look, it's Jocelyn.
- Ah.
- (Barbara) Oh.
Merry Christmas, Jocelyn.
Merry Christmas, Barbara.
(Chuckles) Merry Christmas, Jocelyn.
Merry Christmas, Jim.
(Chuckles) ls, er, David Senior not with you today? Oh, he's just parallel-parking the Mondeo.
(Barbara) Ooh.
You look lovely, Jocelyn.
Have you lost weight? - No.
- Oh.
Have you put a bit on? - No, l'm the same as l was last time.
- Oh.
Jim, Jocelyn's exactly the same as last time we saw her.
Oh, well done, Jocelyn, well done.
Come and sit down.
lt's lovely.
(Chuckles) - It's flame retarded.
- Mm.
- It's comfy.
- Yeah.
- (Squeaking) - (Both chuckle) (Jocelyn chuckles) (# Jingle Bell Rock playing on stereo) (Door opens) Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock (Door shuts, footsteps) Season's greetings, one and all! - mw.
- (Jocelyn chuckles) Merry Christmas, ''Barbera''.
Oh, merry Christmas, DavidSenior.
(David Senior laughs) Merry Christmas, Denise.
Merry Christmas, David Senior.
Merry Christmas, Jimbo.
(Dave) Hiya, Dad.
Merry Christmas, David! lt's been a terrible year for me parsnips Ah, well, we've all got our cross to bear, eh? .
.
but the rhubarb has been as consistent as ever so l'm delighted to hand over forthwith a bottle of, wait for it, that old favourite the rhubarb wine! (Cheering and clapping) - Thank you.
- Strong stuff, is that.
A couple of glasses, we'll all be talking rhubarb! (Both laugh) The fun starts right here, Jimbo! There'll be banter like this all day.
Get us a large bloody drink, will you, Dave? Please! Right, OK.
Can l just take your coat, please, Dad? - Certainly.
- Thank you.
- Barbara, can l take your coat? - Thanks, Dave.
Mum? - Thank you.
- Thank you, David.
Thank you.
Excrement in the exhaust pipe.
What? This morning, Jimbo.
Excrement in the exhaust pipe.
What did you do that for? No, not me, next-door neighbours.
The ongoing hedge dispute.
They put excrement in the exhaust pipe ofthe Mondeo.
Ooh.
Who needs excrement on a Christmas morning? lndeed.
Gagging, weren't you, Jocelyn, trying to scrape it out.
Oh, yes, l was, Barbara.
Well, you would be.
Anybody with an ounce of decency would be.
(David Senior) What a terrible year it's been.
l never thought the country would be in this big a mess.
- Did you, Barbera? - No, no.
It's shocking.
Yes, it's terrible.
5p for a carrier bag! Hey, you're right, it's a bloody disgrace! Fair point well made, Jimbo.
(Bell tinkling) Erm, l just want to run through today's schedule.
First of all we're doing mingling, and that'll be accompanied by tropical punch which Dave, my husband, will shortly be bringing round on a trolley.
- Can you confirm that, Dave? - Yes.
(Barbara) On a trolley! (Chuckling) Also on the trolley there are aperitifs, in brackets Hula Hoops.
Followed by table attending in line with the seating plan.
Bloody hell, Denise, get on with it! Napkins are then going to be adorned.
David used to make them into swans when he was little.
He's done them, look, they're on the table.
(Laughs) There they are.
Let's hope they don't eat all the bread, eh, Jimbo? (Laughter) Dave, have you got page three ofthe schedule? No.
Oh, we'll just have to play the rest by ear.
Balls to the bloody schedule! Get the bloody booze out here! Well, if you can all start the mingling now then Dave will bring out the trolley.
- Dave? - What? - Trolley.
- Now? Yes.
Oh, Denise.
Hasn't she thought it all through, Jocelyn? Yes.
(Clang, sloshing) l don't ever remember mingling at Christmas.
No, well, it's odd mingling when there's only the two of you, isn't it? Tropical punch, anyone? Ooh, Dave! Oh, David! Very Caribbean.
- Don't you think so, Barbara? - Oh, yes.
Tropical punch! Can you taste the ambience in it, Mum? - Ooh, yeah! (Laughs) - Yeah? Top marks for presentation - and service, David.
- Thank you.
Can't you just bloody hand them out instead of pushing that bloody trolley - all over the sodding room? - Jim! Don't ruin the mingling.
Oh.
(Chuckles) l'd like to be the first to propose a toast.
mw .
To two families joined together - by a turkey dinner.
- mw.
To turkey dinners! Turkey dinners! (Barbara) Oh.
Shouldn't we be toasting something else, David? Have you told them about the management buyout? Well, l was waiting till we'd done the mingling.
Yeah, fair point well made, David, but this is no time for false modesty.
Oh, tell them, David! (Barbara) What is it, Dave? Bloody hell, Dave, are you gonna tell us, lad, or what? Well, you know old Stan at work? - Yeah.
- Well, he's retiring, and he's asked me if l want to buy his van off him, so l said yes.
Bravo! And to think he's never passed an exam in his life.
Them teachers - r-remedial.
l ask you.
A toast! To David! And his management buyout.
David's management buyout! (Sighing and chuckling) (Barbara) David, aw.
Oh, l do like your new sofa, Denise.
- Aw, do ya? - Mmm.
Dave, why don't we show 'em the trick what it does? (Dave) Oh, yeah.
(Barbara) Oh, does it do a trick? Right, Mam, just let me shift these.
Right? One, two, three (Both whoop and laugh) Y Does my seat not do it? No, because if it did it'd be a bloody bed, wouldn't it? Er Fair point well made, Jimbo.
Dad, why don't you have a recline? - No.
- Oh, come on, Jim! Come and have a recline.
- No! - Oh, go on, Jim.
No, l'll all right, thank you, Jocelyn.
lt reminds me of lying down.
Doesn't it you, Barbara? Yeah, do you know, l know exactly what you mean.
Oh! (Laughs) Oh, isn't it a magical time, Christmas? Yeah.
Do you want a recline, David Senior? Oh, no, l'm all right, Barbera.
l'm enjoying watching you recline.
mw .
Go on, have a recline.
- (Jocelyn) Go on! - Oh, well, if you insist.
(Ladies laughing) Up you get.
Give us your drink.
Ready, steady recline! (Whooping, laughter) Oh, this is marvellous, Barbera! Come on, Jimbo, don't you want a go? No, l don't want to! Don't decline a recline! (Laughter) lf l wanted to recline l would've stayed in bloody bed, wouldn't l? Bloody sorry l never, now.
Oh, Jim.
Can't you recline for your own family on Christmas Day? Oh, hey! (Laughs) Oh! The louder you scream, the faster we go! (Laughter) - Try the other one.
- Is it just as good? l don't know.
Have a try.
- Come on, try this one.
- Come on, Jocelyn.
Get over here and l'll set you up.
Ready, steady, go! (Shrieking and laughing) (David Senior laughing) - Oh, hey, Barbera? - Yes? - This reclining - Yeah? - .
.
it's wearing me out! - (Jocelyn shrieks and laughs) (Ladies laughing) Dave, l require some assistance in the kitchen vicinity, please.
- What you doing in there, Dave? - Mingling.
Mingling? They're supposed to be mingling! - You're not supposed to be mingling.
- l was only listening to them mingling.
They can be mingling without you listening to them mingling.
- Well, when can l do mingling? - You've done mingling! - No more mingling.
- Well, shall l get the turkey? Yes.
Get the turkey.
Don't go.
Let me just see.
- Don't want them to see you.
- What are they doing? - Mingling.
- Mingling? Now, Dave.
Go now.
- Now? - Yes, Dave! (Sighs) (David Senior) Then the second day, as you know, that's two turtle doves.
Er, the third day is three French hens.
Er, the fourth day, that's four calling birds.
And then it's Five go-old rings - (Bang) - Dave! - Don't put it on the cup-a-soups.
- Then it's six geese a-laying.
Er, seven swans a-swimming.
Now, the eighth day, that's the one a lot of people get wrong.
lt's eight maids a-milking.
Then it's nine ladies dancing.
Er, ten lords a-leaping.
Eleven, er, pipers piping.
And finally twelve drummers drumming.
(Banging) (David Senior) # Twelve drummers drumming Eleven pipers piping Ten lords a-leaping Nine ladies dancing Eight maids a-milking Seven swans a-swimming Six geese a-laying Five go-old rings! Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree Five go-old rings! (Grinding sounds) Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree (David Senior) # Seven swans a-swimming Six geese a-laying Five go-old rings! Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree - (Jocelyn whoops) - (David Senior) Ohhhh! (Laughter) (Barbara) Oh, Jim.
(Burps) (Twiggy) Ho-ho-ho! - Twiggy! - Hi, Barb.
- All right, Twiggo? - All right, Jim? Er, here y'are, Dave.
l would've got more, only the dog started barking, - l had to leg it.
- Oh, cheers, Twiggy.
Oh, Twiggy, this is me mum, Jocelyn.
Mum, this is Twiggy.
- Hello, Twiggy! - Hello, Jocelyn! Ooh! - (Jim) Good old Twiggo! - All right, Barb? Aw, happy Christmas.
Twiggy, this is me dad, David Senior.
- Dad, this is Twiggy.
- Hello, Twiggy! David Senior.
Four years in the RAF, 30 years in the Prudential and 40 years in the doghouse with me wife, Jocelyn.
Twig, do you wanna sit down, pal? Oh, yeah.
Ta, Dave.
- Tropical punch? - Oh, yeah, go on.
Hey, l haven't missed the turkey, have l? (Dave) Oh, no, not yet.
- Am l still getting a leg? - (Denise) Yeah.
(Louis Armstrong) # In the meadow we can build a snowman And then pretend that he is Parson Brown More Château Lafite-Rhubarb, Jimbo? Hasn't your Jim got a lovely big head for hats, Barbara? You know, everybody says that, Jocelyn.
You know, Jocelyn Dave said you were in hospital a few months ago.
Yes.
l've had an unruly bowel, Barbara.
Oh, Jocelyn.
An unruly bowel? Yes.
It was out of control all summer.
But, you know, the people at easyJet, they were so understanding.
(Barbara) Aw.
Me mam was a martyr to her bowels.
Wasn't she, Jim? But she was the other way - impacted.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
ln the end, the gave her a barium enema.
Do you know, they found things that were Iodged up there since the early '60s.
Oh! (Laughs) - Er, Barbera? - Yes? She sounds like a wonderful woman.
Aw, thank you, David Senior.
(Chuckles) Does anyone want some bread? (All) Yes, please! Do you want oblongs or triangles? (Jim) Oblongs for me, please.
(Dave) Triangles for me, please, Denise.
Well, l usually have triangles.
- Oh.
Do you, Jocelyn? - Yes.
Can l have triangles like, erm, Jocelyn, please? - Yeah.
- Denise, can l have an oblong and a triangle? No, you can't, because then l'd have an oblong and a triangle left over.
Er, Jocelyn, er, would you join me in an oblong and a triangle? Erm, no, l think l'll stick to triangles.
Er, Jimbo, go Dutch with me? Oblong and a triangle? Just pass the bloody loaf over, will you, Denise? Bloody hell, come on.
Here, give that to Crying Arse.
- Triangle.
- Thanks.
- Triangle.
- Thanks, Jim.
Here, oblong.
Oblongo.
Two there for you, Twiggles.
Ta.
Oh, oblong.
We've got satellite TV now, Barbara.
- Ooh.
- We're Sky-plussing the Queen.
l love the royal family.
l saw a documentary about the Queen the other day, and do you know who l think she's got a likeness of? Helen Mirren.
- Oh! - (Twiggy) Yeah, Helen Mirren.
Helen Mirren, do you know, she's 79 years of age now and still perky as ever.
Aren't they, Twig? Ooh-ooh! - You're not wrong there, Jim! (Laughs) - Beep-beep! You havin' that, Dave? No, no, but do you know who l like? The Queen Mother.
Cos you're not always reading about her in the papers.
She's not one for publicity like these modern ones.
Well, she just gets on with it, there's no fuss.
- Jocelyn.
- Mm? She's dead.
- Is she? - Yeah.
ls everyone enjoying their soup? - Yeah! - (Jim) Lovely, lovely, Denise! Denise, the soupis super! (Ladies laugh) l've used that on several social occasions, haven't l, Jocelyn? lt always gets a laugh.
(Barbara) Super soup! - Would anybody like some more? - (Jim) l'll have some more, please! (Twiggy) l'll have some more, Denise.
Here y'are, Dave.
- (Elvis) # l'll have a blue Christmas - Oh, this is more like it.
The King! - Elvis Presley.
- # Without you l-l loved Elvis.
- He died on the lavatory.
- (Gasps) His own? Er, yes.
First floor, Gracelands, Memphis, Tennessee.
Ooh, thank goodness he died on his own toilet.
You'd hate to die on somebody else's toilet, wouldn't you, Barbara? There's nothing like your own toilet for dying on.
Fair point well made, Barbera.
Strange, isn't it, all them number ones, and yet it was a number two that killed him.
Whoa, yes! El Elvis he was a twin, you know.
Oh, was he? Oh.
Any twins in your family, Jocelyn? No.
When David was little, though, he had an imaginary twin.
Did you, Dave? Yeah, we went everywhere together.
We were inseparable.
ln-separable.
Aw.
What happened to him, Dave? - We had a massive fall-out.
- mw.
David's imaginary twin he wet the bed.
- Didn't he, David? - Yeah.
Er, of course, it was David.
Er, l had to tell him that there was nothing to be ashamed of as l also was a wetter.
And my father, David Senior Senior, David's grandfather, Little David's great-grandfather, I he also was a wetter as was his father David Senior Senior S'enior my grandfather, David's great-grandfather, Little David's great-great-grandfather.
He also was a wetter.
There was no stigma being a wetter in them days, you see.
Erm, any wetters, er, in your family, Jimbo, that you know of? (Growls) Dave, could you get in here now, please? (Sniffs) - Is everything all right, Denise? - Yes, everything's fine, thank you.
(Sobbing) - What's wrong? - What's wrong, Dave? Look, that's the bloomin' Mary Pipers, they've gone wrong, and you said you would help me with the gravy, and l had to put the Oxo in the gravy, do all the stirring ofthe gravy, and your dad's carrots was all dead hard from the allotments, and l can't get the Stork in them, and trust you, Dave, trust you, Dave, to win a bloody turkey that we can't get in the oven and only got two legs, and you know everybody wanted a leg off ofthat turkey, and all you're doing is mingling, mingling in your piano tie, it's all you want, to be in there mingling with that bloody piano tie, and everybody Dave Mingle Best, that's what you should be, mingling should be your middle name.
And no, not a man, because when l said who wants triangles and who wants oblongs, any man would've said, ''Oh, l'll just have oblongs.
'' ''Oh, l'll just have triangles.
'' Oh, no.
And then you No, but you never ever have triangles, but just because they're having, you were showing off, ''l'll have triangles, Denise.
'' And every single thing's gone wrong and we can't even serve it now.
And everything l can't That's still frozen, that thing, and everything And l've l can't get the Stork to melt into it like it did, I and all l wanted, all l wanted for was just a day like Nigella's, that's all l wanted was it to be like Nigella's.
(Sobs) Dave lt still can be, Denise.
(Sobs) Do you think? Oh (Sobs) (Muffled sobbing) Erm, excuse me.
We've got something to say.
Er, we've made a couple of mistakes.
(Denise) Erm, the roast potatoes have gone all overdone, and, erm, l got the timings wrong on the turkey.
Oh, don't be worrying about that! - It's all right.
- Be fine.
- Bring it out as it is.
- Should we? (All) Yeah.
(Twiggy) Fancy getting upset over that.
- (Jim) Bloody hell.
- She's never done it before.
- No, and timing's difficult, isn't it? - (Twiggy) It is, yeah, course it is.
(Sobbing) There's the roast potatoes.
And this is the turkey.
That's not a bloody turkey, Dave, that's bloody roadkill.
- (Barbara) Jim.
- l was just thinking see that leg there, l could put that into the toaster maybe.
You like a leg, don't you, Twiggy? Yeah.
No, thanks, Denise.
Actually, you know, l'm not that keen on turkey, really.
No, l'm not bothered about turkey.
- Take it away, Denise.
- (All) Yeah.
(Barbara) Did you save anything, Denise? Er, yeah, the carrot crush.
(Cheering) - David Senior's home-grown carrots - Carrot crush! Carrot crush! - .
.
to the rescue! - (Cheering, laughter) - (Twiggy) Oh, look at this.
- Oh! Here y'are, give us a big dollop.
- Lovely, lovely.
- (Cheering) (Jocelyn) Lovely.
(Ladies whooping) A toast! To David Senior's home-grown carrots! (Cheering) Toast, my arse.
Bloody Christmas without a turkey?! - Bloody hell! - Oh, Jim! - (Twiggy) It looks great, this.
- Er, Barbera? - Yes? - See, it's all down to the manure.
Ooh, yeah.
- Mm, yeah, you can really taste it.
- (Jocelyn) Mm.
- Can't you, Jocelyn? - Ooh, it's lovely.
Oh, you get fed up with turkey at Christmas, don't you? Would you like some gravy on your Christmas dinner, Mam? Yes, please, David.
Ooh, lovely.
- And over here.
- Oh, lovely, Dave.
- Dad? - Ooh, no, thanks, David.
l do not want to sully the crush.
Jim, do you want some gravy on your Christmas dinner? What bloody Christmas dinner? lt would've been a different story, Barbera, - if me parsnips had come good.
- Yes.
Aw.
Now, l don't want to embarrass you, but can l just say again how lovely this carrot crush is, Denise? Oh, thank you, Jocelyn.
Mm, it's got thatthat lovely aftertaste.
What's that? lt's, erm, Stork.
Yes, that's it.
Oh, and this gravy, it's delicious.
Aw, thank you, Jocelyn.
That's my mum's recipe.
ls it, Barbara? Oh, l must get that off you.
Does anyone want some more? - No.
- No, no, thanks, love.
lt's very, very filling, you know, love.
Very filling.
I Er, whatwhat line of business, er are you in, Twiggy? Oh, you know, bit ofthis, bit ofthat.
l've just come out.
Nothing wrong with that.
Both Jocelyn and myself voted for Biggins when he was in the jungle, and we never miss Gok Wan.
He's (Laughs) He hasn't come out the closet.
He's just come out the bloody prison! (Laughter) Stupid me! - l like prison films.
- Ooh, so do l.
(Denise) Yeah.
l love anything with anyone being captured.
Ooh, that, erm Oh, what was it? Er, Birdman OfAlcatraz.
- Oh, yes, yes.
- (Jim) Burt Lancaster.
Good old Burt.
- Why was he called the Birdman? - Cos he shat on all the windowsills.
You havin' that one, Twiggo? Thank you, David.
Have you ever been inside, David Senior? Er, n-no, but, er l got locked up one night in the Odeon after l fell asleep watching Brokeback Mountain.
So, you know, l can empathise.
Oh, Barbera, foraging around under the seats all night for bits of popcorn.
mw .
l used to have a pen pal in prison in America.
- Did you? - l used to write to him via airmail.
- Ooh! Did you, Jocelyn? - Mm.
- He was on death row.
- (Gasping) He'd battered and brutally murdered SeVen WOmen.
But he had beautiful handwriting, Barbara.
- Did he? - Mm.
(Barbara) Ooh.
Oh, l was sorry to hear about your cat, Jocelyn.
Oh, thank you, Barbara.
- (Twiggy) What's up with it? - It's got Alzheimer's.
Doesn't even know us now.
Did you read about that auld widow in Surrey? (Barbara) No.
(Jocelyn) No.
She only left f420,OOO in her will to her bloody cat.
- Get away! - No! Fancy that, a bloody auld shit machine swanning round bloody Surrey with half a million quid in its pocket.
Bloody hell.
What was it called? What bloody difference would that make, Dave? See, that's why all the cats round here are going missing, cos they're all pissing off down to Surrey.
- Jim! - Oh, come on, Barb.
Bloody hell, we're sitting here having carrot crush, and that greedy bloody cat, what's it having? John bloody West bloody tuna! l wanted a cat but we've not got a cat flap.
(Jocelyn) Aw.
Er, Cassandra Colby-Colshaw, er, my chiropodist, and incidentally, Barbera, the country's Ieading corn remover bar none - nOne - her cat only has one ball.
- (Gasps) - He's a uniball.
- Ooh.
- A uniball? Uniball.
Erm, do you know thatthat man, he always played a baddy in the old war films? What was he called? He had, like, a tache there.
- (Jim) Hitler.
- Hitler.
Erm, he only had one ball.
- Hitler was a uniball? - Yeah.
History's most famous uniball, l'd say, Barbera.
Oh.
Which ball do you think was missing, the left or the right? lt wouldn't make any bloody difference, Dave, if he only had the one.
lt'd be there in the middle.
ln the middle.
Fair point well made, Jimbo.
Do you think that's why he was always in such a bad mood? - Ooh, well, it couldn't have helped.
- Fair point well made also, Barbera.
No, Cassandra Colby-Colshaw, my chiropodist, and incidentally the country's leading corn remover bar none - none - she lost her husband, Clarence Colby-Colshaw, er, in the summer, in, erm August? No, in Aldi.
They found him in the tomatoes, Barbara.
- Did they? - (Jocelyn) Poor man.
He'd been suffering for years from déjà vu.
- Oh, l'm sorry to hear that.
- mw.
But at least being married to a chiropodist, - his feet were corn free.
- Oh, yeah.
(Jim) # Corn free! As free as the wind blows As free as the grass grows When you're corn free! (Cheering) (# Banjo and tambourine playing) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose And if you ever saw him You would even say it glows All ofthe other reindeer used to laugh and call him names They wouldn't let poor Rudolph Join in any reindeer games Oh, till one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say Oh, Rudolph with your nose so bright Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Then all the reindeers loved him And they shouted out in glee Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer You'll go down in history! (Jim) Hey-hey! Good old Rudolph! (Cheering) (Slow strumming) Oh, the weather outside is frightful But the fire is so delightful And since you've no place to go Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow When we finally kiss good night How l hate going out in the storm But as long as you hold me tight All the way home l'll be warm Oh, the weather outside is frightful - # But the fire is so delightful - (Jim humming along) And since we've no place to go Let it snow, let it snow, Iet it snow (Cheering) Good old David Senior.
Jimbo, l thought we could have a David Senior, Twiggo, Jimbo jamboree.
What about, what about How does it go? # You - (Higher note) # You - # o # o, yo, yo, yo.
Better not shout, you'd better not cry You'd better not pout, l'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town Here we go, happy New Year! He's making a list, he's checking it twice He's going to find out who's naughty and nice Santa Claus is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows when you've been bad or good So be good for goodness' sake! Oi! You better watch out You better not cry You'd better not pout, l'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town (Jim) The chorus, the chorus! He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake Oh, Jim.
l've really enjoyed today.
Have you? - l have, yeah.
- mw.
- Didn't our Denise do well, eh? - Yeah.
- l was proud ofthat girl today.
- Yeah.
mw .
Barb, could you do us a favour in the morning? - Yeah.
- Get me up nice and early, please.
- Early? What for? - Yeah.
l want to put some more excrement in Dave's dad's Mondeo exhaust pipe.
Oh, Jim! Fair point well made, Jimbo.
Hmm.
Hey, Barb, you know, erm - You know, of a Christmas Day night - Yeah? .
.
you're normally too tired to give me me little Christmas present, aren't you, because, well, you've been cooking all day.
Yeah.
Well, you haven't been cooking this year, have you? Oh, no.
What do you think? - Aw, come on, then.
- Ooh, Barb.
Hey, Jim.
- Jim.
- Ooh.
(Kissing) - Ooh, Jim! - Oh, Barb! - (She laughs) - Oh, Barb! - Oh, Jim! - Oh, Barb! - Oh-ho-ho, Jim! - (Grunts) Oh, Barb! (Grunting) God blimey, the bloody rhubarb wine! (Louis Armstrong) # Later on We'll conspire As we dream By there To face unamaid New plans that we made Walking In a winter wonderland Bogoooiddlyoheeoodleoo wonder1and