The Royle Family (1998) s99e04 Episode Script
Joe's Crackers
I would like to leave this city This old town don't smell too pretty And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind So, what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway Half the world away Half the world away Half the world away I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down (TV on) This bauble won't stay on.
Oh, bauble, my arse! Ha-ha! I'm not sure this tree's right for this room.
Of course it is.
Twiggy got it especially for us.
Yeah.
Aww When are you going to kiss my baubles, Barb? Oh, Jim! These lights aren't working again.
Are you sure you've definitely got them plugged in right? Stick your tongue in one of the sockets and find out.
Every year we have the same palaver with these lights.
It's time we got some new ones.
What? New ones? With this Coa-bloody-lition going on? You wanna have a word with yourself, Barb.
They've cocked the country up and now they expect us to pay for it.
Jim! I mean, people have started looking down on you, if you claim benefit now.
There's no pride in signing on any more.
The way they're going on, there'll be no bugger signing on.
(Doorbell) Get that, will you, Barbara, that'll be Cameron and Clegg now.
- Oh, get out of it! - (Door opens) - Oh! - Hiya, Mam! (Growls) - Hiya, Barbara.
- Hi, Dave.
Ooh, I like that tree.
Is that off Twiggy? Yeah.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, Jim.
(Mimics Barbara) "Hiya, Dave.
Hiya, Denise.
Sit down.
Have you had your tea? " - "Yeah.
" - "What did you have? " Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak! Is Jim annoyed, Barbara? Yes, Jim is annoyed.
Congratulations, Sherlock.
- Have you done something to your toe, Dad? - No, I haven't.
Your mother has.
She dropped a frozen turkey on it, didn't she? In the supermarket.
I told you we should have double-bagged it.
Double-bagged it? Are you joking, at 5p a carrier bag? I'm not Lord Sugar, you know.
Anyway, it's not that.
- What's wrong with him? - You can ask me, I am in the room.
You haven't got to talk to me through your mother.
- Well, what's wrong, Dad? - Don't tell them, Barbara.
Oh The "Sold" sign went up this morning, next door.
- Oh, it's not, has it? - Mm.
That means it's sold.
Oh, you are right on the ball, aren't you, today, Dave! I never thought they'd go through with it.
This is gonna hit me really hard.
- Yeah.
- Hm.
He's gonna want his lawnmower back, his drill back, his electric screwdriver back.
How's Barbara gonna mow the lawn or put any shelves up? - I'm really upset.
- So am l.
- So am l.
- So am l.
- I hope they don't move too far away.
- Oh, so do l.
- So do l.
- So do l.
Who's gonna look after the kids at weekends when Cheryl goes? - I don't wanna leave them with strangers.
- No.
Where are the kids, Denise? Erm - Where are they, Dave? - Hm They're with that old woman four doors down.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hm.
What is her name? I don't know.
She's nice, though.
Once you get over the smell.
It's really funny, Mam.
The kids put tissues up their nose before they go in.
- It's dead sweet, ain't it, Dave? - Yeah.
What does she smell of? Well, you know when you've just opened a tin of salmon? - Yeah? - Well, that.
- Oh.
- I think it's a bit more cheesy than fishy.
Will you two shut up? You're making me feel hungry.
I make them put their pyjamas on in Dave's van before they come home.
You don't want them bringing the smell into your house.
No.
The kids don't like her, do they, Dave? No.
But I think it's lovely for them to go at Christmas, because she's got, like, a little beard.
- A white one, Barbara.
- Oh, how Christmassy! What's happening to the kids tomorrow, Denise? Well, I can't send them to her at Christmas.
They need to be with family.
So they're going to Dave's mum and dad's.
- Oh.
- They don't like it there either, Barbara.
(Laughs) No.
(Electrical crackling and fizzing) - Ooh! - Oh, hello! ALL: Oh! Oh! (All groan) - Have you had your teas? - Yeah.
- Oh, what did you have? - Toad in the hole.
Oooh, toad in the hole.
(Chuckles) But we didn't have any sausages left, so we just had the hole.
Hm.
The hole.
- I didn't like it, really.
- Didn't you, Dave? No, it didn't taste of anything.
- No.
- Well, it was a hole, Dave.
- Where's Anthony and Saskia tonight? - They're dropping presents off.
I think they needed a bit of time away from things.
- When's the new house gonna be ready? - Middle of January.
Oh, it's been lovely having my little boy at home again.
Your little boy? He's six foot two and 30 years of age, you daft old bat! And a merry Christmas to you an' all, Jim.
Bah! - Hey, Mam? - Hm? While they're out why don't me and you go upstairs and have a little look at what Saskia's got hung up in her wardrobe? Ooh, what a good idea.
She won't mind.
- Well, it's quite flattering really, isn't it? - Yeah! (Giggling) DENlSE: She's got some lovely jewellery Hey, Dave, it's doing my head in having them two staying here.
- Who? - Saskia and Anthony, you rattle-head.
Barbara's on at me every five minutes.
I can't fart in front of Saskia.
I can't scratch me nuts in front of Saskia.
I can't lounge round in my Y-fronts in front of Saskia.
All the joys in life have gone, Dave.
You don't want that, do you, James? No.
And when I go for my morning dump, I've got to hang around for ages to see if there's any floaters.
I had a 20-minute battle with one this morning.
It was like trying to sink the Ark Royal.
(Chuckles) Oh, yeah, and if I go for a wee and I miss, I've got to clean it up meself.
In case Saskia comes in after me! I can't just leave it for Barbara any more.
- (Exhales heavily) - Eh! And when she goes for a bath there's candles and jock-sticks.
It's like bloody Glastonbury up there.
And our Anthony's blocked the keyhole up with toilet roll.
What sort of a man does he think I am, eh? Took me nearly 20 minutes to unpick it.
By the time I'd finished she'd had her shower and gone.
You get notes, don't you? You get undercurrents.
Oh, eh, Dave? If I do a fart tomorrow, will you own up to it for me? Well, what if you don't do one? What, with a bellyful of Barbara's sprouts? It's an accident waiting to happen.
How will I know, though, when you've done one? I'll give you a sign.
If I clean me glasses you know that I've set one free.
Is that all right with you, Dave? Check.
Thank you, David.
(Footsteps on stairs) (Barbara giggles) Ooh, she's got lovely things.
(Sniffs) Dave, smell that.
Isn't it gorgeous? Mm.
Lovely.
Saskia's perfume.
(Sniffs) Oooh, that's lovely.
I'm gonna try and sneak up tomorrow and put some on for Christmas Day.
What a good idea.
I'll do that as well.
It's funny someone of her age keeping a diary, isn't it, Mam? Yeah.
She don't think much of you, Dad.
Oh, I know.
I've read it.
Slovenly, my arse! Why didn't she tell me to my face? Because she's sneaky, she is.
- Did you put the little padlock back on? DENlSE: Yeah.
Why she keeps that key in a separate drawer I'll never know.
DENlSE: No.
- (Electrical fizzing) ALL: Oh! - (Crackling) ALL: Oh! Ooh! (All groan) Do you want me to have a look at the tree lights for you, Barbara? - Would you, Dave? - Hm.
Dave is absolutely brilliant with electricity.
BARBARA: Aw.
It's usually the fuse bulb, the white one.
Here you are.
- (Cheering) - Well done, David.
- Well done! BARBARA: Thanks - (Boom!) JIM: Dave, you gormless sod! DENlSE: Dave! DAVE: Woargh! Aaargh, me toe! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Everywhere you go Oh! A Dyson! (Laughter) - What I've always wanted.
- Aw, I'm glad you like it, Mam.
- Ah, Anthony! - (Chuckles) Merry Christmas.
- Oh, thank you.
- There you go.
Aww - Thank you.
- It's all right.
I wish we'd got you a Dyson now, instead of that fridge magnet.
Oh, I like that just as much.
Yeah, but I think it looks better on our fridge door than it did on yours, love.
And er - ooh - this one's for you, Jim.
BARBARA: Ooh! - For me? He-he, he-he, hee-hee! What can it be? Let's have a look.
Lucky old me! (Barbara gasps) - Sky HD! Heh, heh-heh! - Whoo! Nice one, Lurky.
That's bloody great, that is.
Come here, you.
Give old Jim a little kiss.
Come on! Do you know what? You're a bloody diamond! Come on, go and sit down.
Do you know where I'm going to put this? I'm going to put this next to that fun-size bar of Toblerone that Dave, Denise and the two kids bought me for Christmas.
- (Whispers) You tight arse.
- Are you ready? - Go on, Mam.
Go on.
- Go on! (Vacuum whirs) OTHERS: Whooo! JIM: Yeah-hey! Wow.
Wahey! - (Laughter) - Very nice.
Ooh, look at all the dirt! - It's lovely, Barbara.
- Thanks, Cheryl.
- Is your dad on his way over? - Yeah.
- Is he bringing your mam? - Yeah.
Right, well, let's get to the table, then.
Come on.
Er, Dave, Anthony, help your dad.
Careful, careful, careful.
Bloody thing's throbbing.
Watch where you're putting Oh, you clumsy Get your arse out of my face, you stupid sod! All right? Ready? One, two, three.
BARBARA: Whooo! JIM: Aaargh, aargh.
BARBARA: Oooh! Don't sit me with there with me back to the telly.
Aaargh! Oh, don't sit him there.
He'll be in my way when I bring the stuff out.
- Aargh.
- Don't put him there.
I don't want him next to me.
Why don't you put me in the bloody garden and be done with it? Over there, the top one.
Ooh, aargh! Watch me bollocks! Set me down, set me down, set me down.
Set me down.
Oh! Get that bloody puffy, will you, Anthony.
Oh Taketake it easy.
God, you're a clumsy little sod, you are! Watch the bloody table.
Aargh! Oh.
(Groans) BARBARA: Oh, it's Joe and Mary.
- Merry Christmas.
- Your dad.
JOE: Merry Christmas.
- Aw - Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas, Joe.
I brought Mary with me, cos I didn't like to leave her on her own.
No.
Nobody should be on their own at Christmas.
Oh, here you are, Joe.
You're sitting here next to me.
What shall I do with Mary? Oh, give her to me.
I'll put her on the telly with Nana.
They always got on well together.
It's a pity we've scattered me mam's ashes, isn't it, Barb? Because we could have set a table for all of them in there.
Jim.
Merry Christmas, Joe.
Have you met Saskia? - Oh, you're Saskia.
I'm Joe.
- Hiya.
- Lovely to meet you.
- You too.
I wish you could have met my wife Mary, but she's dead at the moment.
That's her on top of the telly.
My grandma died recently.
She's still in the urn.
We haven't got round to scattering her yet.
You should have brought her up with you, Saskia.
We could have put her up there in the line-up of the living dead on top of the television.
Bloody hell, Barbara.
What time's Vincent Price gonna show up? (Laughter) Would you like any help in the kitchen, Barbara? Ooh, no, you're all right, love.
You stay there.
Dave, come on, you know I'm bloody helpless with the toes.
That's it.
Come on, son.
That's it.
No thanks, not for me.
- When's the baby due, Saskia? - The middle of January.
Have you had any cravings? I've been having really strong cravings for Maltesers.
Oh.
Maltesers.
- I had cravings with my two, didn't l, Dave? - Yeah.
- What were they again? - Vodka and Red Bull.
Oh, yeah.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Hey, Saskia, if you ever need a baby-sitter, just ask us.
Thanks, Denise.
There's this old woman four doors down from us and she has ours any time.
Excuse me, everybody .
.
I'm going on the toilet.
Thanks, Dave.
Oh, wasn't it awful? Did you see in the Metro? Somebody's stole the Christmas tree from in front of the old people's home.
Never mind about that, Cheryl, love.
You're bringing the atmosphere down.
Here's the turkey.
Let's have three cheers for the turkey.
(Cheering) The old turkey, here we go.
- Pigs in blankets.
- You what, Joe? Them.
Pigs in blankets.
Mary loved them.
BARBARA: Oh, well, she did, didn't she, Joe? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry, Joe.
How have you been coping? Well, I can't say I haven't missed her.
Well, we all do, Joe.
Help yourself to the margarine, love.
Do you know, she had all her own teeth until the day she died, Saskie.
- Oh, did she? - Except for the top set.
And another six at the bottom.
- Oh.
- I keep her dentures on the bedside table.
And do you know, every morning I get upthere she is.
- Smiling at me.
- Aww That's lovely, Joe.
And when I'm really missing her I pop her glasses on the top.
(Laughter) Why don't you get an old mop head, Joe, and complete the picture? - Oh, isn't this lovely? - Yeah.
Tell me, who wouldn't look forward to Christmas Day? - Well, the turkey for one! - (Laughter) Do you know, Mary would have laughed at that if she weren't dead.
Aww Tell you what, Barb, this lot looks bloody lovely.
Oh, Jim.
(Taps glass) I hope you don't mind, butas a mark of respect, I think we ought to have a minute's silence for Mary before we eat.
- There's no need for that, Joe.
You're all right.
- A minute's silence? A minute from Look, Cheryl, will you time it for me? - A minute? - Hm.
- Right, well, from now.
- (Murmuring) (Jim mumbles and sighs) JIM: Come on, come on.
(Mouths) (Whispers) What can I do? (Whispers) Behave.
Have you got any air freshener, Barbara? Ssssh! - Dave, shush.
- Sssssh! What's up? What's happening? We're having a minute's silence for Mary.
- When's it happening? - It's now, Dave.
Now I've had to speak we have to do it all over again.
- There's no need for that, Joe.
- A minute fromnow! (Coughs) (Jim whistles) (Mouths) (Mouths) Now, now.
Now! (Whispers) It's a minute's silence.
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt the minute's silence, but I have just done a trump, not Jim.
Dave! Show a bit of bloody respect! (Sighs) We'll have to do it again.
Actually, Dad, we did 40 seconds then and 30 seconds the first time.
- So we're ten seconds over.
- (All cheer) - This is lovely, Barbara.
- Thanks, love.
Would you like some gravy? Mm.
What did you get Anthony for Christmas, Saskia? - 3D-TV.
- 3D-TV? - 3D-TV? - I love 3D-TV.
I love 3D-TV.
Fancy watching This Morning in 3D-TV! Holly Willoughby's wallabies coming towards you in 3D.
(Laughs) That's the future! - Willoughby's wallabies in 3D.
- Two double D's in 3D, eh, Dave? - 1 D would do me.
1 D at a time, sweet Jesus Wasn't Mary's funeral a good send-off? - (All sigh) - It was a glorious day.
It was a lovely service, Joe.
Just a shame about the ice-cream van during the eulogy.
The vicar said it was the smallest gathering he'd ever seen.
- Aw.
- Oh.
Did you see Mary's sister? She's lrish, the same as Mary.
You know, she was the one with the one black tooth, off centre hanging loose.
Was she the one who tried to start the Mexican wave in the church? - Mm-hm.
That's the one.
- Oh, she was a bit funny.
She was giggling all the way through the service.
She's certified insane.
Come to think of it, I thought she was a bit odd, trying to get us all to do the conga, filing out the church.
We put everything that was dear to Mary in her coffin, Saskia.
Oh, did you, Joe? What a lovely idea.
Mm, it was, wasn't it? - What did you put in it.
- Her wedding dress - Oh.
- And her Beverley Callard keep-fit videos.
George Foreman's grill.
Anda photo of Cheryl.
- Oh, that's nice.
- That's lovely.
Oh, no, not me.
Cheryl Cole.
JIM: I'll tell you what, though.
It's a wonder there was any room in there for Mary.
Who packed the coffin? Was it the funeral director or was itPickfords? (All laugh) I have brought the poem with me if you'd like to hear it again.
- No, no - It's all right, Joe.
It's still fresh in our minds, Joe.
No, no.
If Joe wants to read it, let him read it.
Anyway, Saskia hasn't heard it.
- You'd like to hear it, wouldn't you, Saskia love? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Go on, Joe.
Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary "Mary, Mary, Mary.
" Who's it about, Joe? JOE: Mary.
- Jim.
You are my wife, my friend and my lover, A part-time dinner lady and also a mother Oh.
Chips, peas and gravy - that's what you had Chips, pie and gravy - that's what I had - Is this a poem, Joe, or a bloody menu? - Jim.
I'll meet you in heaven, it's peaceful up there I'll spot you immediately with your ginger hair (Sniggering) So, bye-bye, Mary, now up in the sky Farewell, my Mary, you're dead now - bye-bye Ohso lovely, Joe.
It gets better every time you read it.
- (Sniggering) - Saskia, don't get upset, love.
I've forgot.
It's the first time you've heard it, isn't it? Joe, do you mind not reading it again? It's too upsetting.
And, do you know, when the curtains closed and they played her song, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What was it, Joe? Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone when the morning comes When the night is over, like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone, gone, gone Like a bat out of - Joe! - Ruddy hell, Joe.
DENlSE: I love that song.
What song would you have played, Mam, for your funeral? I know! Ding-dong the witch is dead Which old witch? The wicked old witch (Laughter) - I know what song I'd have at your funeral.
- What? Does he wash up? No, he never washes up Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up Does he brush up? No, he never brushes up He does nothing The boy does nothing (Cheering) Does he wash up? He never wash up Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up Oh, hurry up! No, to the left! To the left! Put me down gentle! Gentle! (Groans) Where you going? Where you going? The trousers! The trousers! Hurry up! Hurry up! It's peeping! It's peeping! (Groans) That's it.
Ahh.
The t Aargh.
The toe! The toe! Oh.
Hey, come on, outside! Give a man a bit of bloody dignity! Does he brush up? He never brushed up He does nothing, the boy does nothing (Cackles) Does he wash up? He never wash up Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up Does he brush up? He never brushed up He does nothing, the boy does nothing - To Mary.
ALL: To Mary! And to the end of 201 0 cos the country's going to the bloody dogs, isn't it? - To the dogs and all.
- (All toast) All we've had is cuts, cuts and more cuts.
- Oh, yeah.
- They've cut Heartbeat, The Bill, Last Of The Summer Wine.
Aye.
Do you like being a nurse, Saskia? I love it, yeah.
It's really rewarding.
- I wanted to be a nurse.
- Oh, did you, Cheryl? - I think you'd have made a lovely nurse, Cheryl.
- Yeah.
The only thing is, I can't stand the sight of blood and I don't like looking after people.
Well, why did you want to be a nurse, Cheryl? - I like the upside-down watches.
- Bloody hell, Cheryl.
What department do you work in, Saskia? A&E.
Oh, tell them about that bloke that came in last week.
- Oh, no.
- No, go on.
- Oh - Go on, tell them.
- Tell us.
- All right.
Well, we had this middle-aged man - bank manager, he was - he had a light bulb lodged up his bottom.
(All laugh) - What wattage was it? - What does it matter what wattage it was? It'd been up there a while before he came in.
I hope it was an energy-saving bulb! (All laugh) - Good one, James.
- How did he explain that? He said he just got out of the shower and accidentally sat on a lamp.
Oh, as if! Tell me, this bulb - was it screw fitting or was it a bayonet? What does it matter if it was a screw-fit, a bayonet or what bloody wattage it was? There's a fella out there with a bulb stuck up his arse in A&E, not in B&Q! - Well, why did he do it? - I don't know.
He might have been frightened of a power cut and he wanted to go for a crap.
- You're spoiling Saskia's lovely story here.
- You didn't keep the bulb, did you, Saskia? - We could've used it on our Christmas tree.
- Don't be ridiculous, Jim.
You can't put a bulb that's been up somebody's bottom on your tree at Christmas.
Erdo you do any private work? You see, I have this boil that needs looking at, and I'm I'd like a professional opinion.
Whereabouts is it, Joe? It's about two inches to the left of where that bloke had his bulb lodged.
Oh, right.
I thought it looked bigger than it was when I saw it.
But it seemed thatCheryl was holding the mirror wrong way round.
Oh, Cheryl.
The main reason I wanted to be a nurse was so I could have married a doctor.
ALL: Aw.
- Are you seeing anyone at the moment? I was seeing this lad up until recently but we split up.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, it's fine.
I'm over it now.
- How long ago was it? - Five months, three weeks, two days.
Oh.
Where did you meet him, Cheryl? Well, I was sitting on a bench in the precinct, having my morning pasties, when this cute little dog came and started jumping up at me.
I gave him a little bit of one and this voice said, "Give him any more, he'll follow you home.
" I looked up and there he was.
I fancied him straightaway.
ALL: Aw.
- How romantic.
- I said, "Hello, my name's Cheryl.
" - And what did he say? - "Have you got a pound for a cup of tea? " - Oh, right.
Then he shook his paper cup at me, dead flirty, like.
- And what was his name, Cheryl? - Spamhead.
Ah.
He had lovely handwriting as well.
Except he put two Ms and one S in "homeless".
- Oh, right.
- And an I in "hungry".
- Well, he was only a few letters out.
- Yeah.
You know what? That's just like a Mills & Boon story.
Lovely.
- Hey, did you meet him, Joe? - Yes.
Only once.
I took him home to meet my dad.
But after we'd left, my dad couldn't find his Post Office savings book.
When we asked Spamhead, he said his dog had probably eaten it.
I think his dog was able to talk as well, cos he went to the Post Office and took all my savings out.
You know, I never liked Spamhead.
- Never took you anywhere, did he? - No.
I think next time you should go for someone who isn't tagged.
I thought Spamhead was a nice lad.
What was he tagged for? Dogging.
(Jim chuckles) I can't stop looking at them two over there.
Two old friends together again.
- Oh, ain't it lovely? - Yeah.
- You're right, Barbara.
They do look lovely.
- Yeah.
Make a nice photo, that.
Ooh, yeah, it would.
Where's my camera? Barbara, it's Christmas Day, love, not Halloween.
- Can I be in this photo, Barbara? - Yes.
Come on, Joe.
I don't know about losing his wife.
He's lost the plot.
BARBARA: Get in there.
Smile.
Oh.
Yeah, that's lovely.
Erm, don't take offence, will you, Barbara, butcan I have one without your mum? Cos I'd like just a family one with me, Mary and Cheryl.
All right.
Come on, Cheryl.
We've had more fun with them now than when they were alive.
Smile! weet, sweet memories you gave-a me You can't beat the memories you gave-a me Take one fresh and tender kiss Add one stolen night of bliss One girl, one boy Some grief, some joy Memories are made of this - (Cheers) Memories are made of this Memories are made of this Oh, we've had a lovely day, Mam.
Thanks.
Aw.
- Is Saskia enjoying herself? - Yeah.
I do worry what people think about your dad.
He can be a bit off-putting, you know.
- With his dirty habits.
- Mm.
His personality.
And body odour.
- But we've never known any different, have we? - No.
He dropped a silent one the other night, in the middle of Come Dine With Me.
She must have smelt it - cos she couldn't not.
One of his Sunday ones.
- Oh.
- But she didn't say anything.
Just politely put a tissue to her nose, kept it there for ten minutes until it had evaporated.
You know, she's really classy.
Well, I warned her about my dad.
Do you know, I've really enjoyed having you here for the last couple of weeks.
Aw.
I wish you weren't going to your house after Christmas.
Can't let me come with you, can you? Saskia would let you, Mam.
She thinks the world of you.
- Does she? - Yeah.
Course she does.
- Aw.
She is really lovely, Anthony.
- I know.
I think she might be the one for me, you know.
- Really? - Don't say anything, but .
.
I'm thinking of asking her to marry me, on New Year's Eve.
- Are you? - Yeah.
Oh, Anthony.
Oh.
- Oh.
- Mam.
Oh, God.
Are you gonna propose here? Well, no.
I want her to say yes.
Oh.
- Two "Royle" weddings in one year! - Yeah.
I hope the Queen doesn't get the same hat as me.
You can wear that one.
Come here.
Oh, I love you, Anthony.
I'm so happy for you.
That's us with the Blackpool Tower behind us.
Oh, yeah.
Now, look, that's me and Mary at Harry Ramsden's.
Ah.
And that one's on the beach.
That's Mary, in that deckchair.
Yeah.
Have you got any of Mary before she was in the urn, Joe? Oh, no, she didn't like her photo taken.
I've got a scan photo of the baby in my bag if you'd like to have a look at it.
Oh, yeah.
No, thanks.
I think you're on a winner with Anthony.
He's a smashing lad.
Yeah, I know.
I much prefer you to his last girlfriend.
Emma.
Thanks, Joe.
She was much better looking than you, but you've got a better personality.
Right.
But Well, looks fade, don't they? Oh, aye.
Oh, aye.
But not in her case.
I saw her last week and she was still bloody gorgeous.
Hard job being a nurse, isn't it? - Sometimes.
Yeah.
- Mm.
When somebody's gonna die .
.
do you tell 'em or do you leave it as a surprise? W Every case is different.
Hm.
I know it was as much a surprise to Mary as it was to me when she expired.
I know she hadn't planned on dying, because she'd just bought a 201 1 diary.
Oh, that's a shame.
Mm.
Don't tell Barbara, though.
I gave it to her for Christmas.
Some folk get upset about getting second-hand diaries from dead people.
- Yeah.
I can imagine.
- Mm.
Now, this light bulb Was it a pearl or was it clear? Bloody hell, Joe! - You all right, Cheryl? - Yeah.
Not bad.
- Considering.
- Oh, yeah.
I still can't believe you're moving.
It'll be weird, you not living next-door any more.
It's gonna be weird for me, too.
Mm.
I'll really miss you, you know, Cheryl.
I've always thought of you as like my other sister.
- You know, the nice one.
- Thanks.
Aw.
- I think Saskia's really lovely.
- Yeah, she is.
She's great.
How does she get on with your Lewis? Really well.
Really well.
He's at his mum's.
We're picking him up tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- How did you meet her? Oh, well, my mate was in hospital.
I went to visit him and she was his nurse.
I just thought she was gorgeous.
He wasn't even that good a mate, but I was there every night.
The nurses were really lovely in the hospital where my mum was when she was ill.
- It must have been a really difficult time.
- Yeah, it was.
sed to go every day.
One morning I turned up and they'd switched the machine off.
What? Her life-support machine? No, the vending machine in the corridor.
Oh, right.
Listen don't tell anyone but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.
Ssh.
Yeah, yeah.
(Chuckles) Hey, Mam, isn't Saskia lovely? Yeah.
What? Don't say anything, but our Anthony's thinking of asking her to marry him on New Year's Eve.
(Stifles shriek) Ohh! Oh, two "Royle" weddings.
In one year.
Shh, shh.
You all right, Cheryl? Yeah.
She's lovely, isn't she, Saskia? Yeah.
Look, don't say anything, but Anthony's thinking of asking Saskia to marry him on New Year's Eve.
We know.
Two "Royle" weddings.
In one year.
I had my work's do last Friday, Dave.
Oh, did you, Ant? So did l.
What did you do? Well, the company hired the Grosvenor in London.
- The Grosvenor? - Yeah.
Yeah, a proper black-tie job, it was.
Kicked off with cocktails and it was free drink all night.
And then JLS went on stage.
- JLS? - Then they had this casino thing, and everybody got 100 pounds worth of chips.
Chips - at the Grosvenor? What did you do on yours? It started off in the Feathers.
And it ended up in the Feathers.
- Where'd you go in between? - The Feathers.
Who went? Well, it was a joint do with Diarrhoea Pete, the roofer, and Shaky Dave, the electrician.
Bit of a sesh, was it? No, cos they both said they had to go after one.
- Oh, right.
- Mm.
Bit weird, really, because I thought I saw them in the Oak later on when I was going home.
Sure it was them? I'm not positive because they were ducking down when I went past.
We're gonna really miss you when you move, Cheryl.
I really do miss you, Cheryl.
The kids are really gonna miss you.
You've been a brilliant godmother.
Thanks, Denise.
You've potty-trained 'em, taught 'em to read and write, went to all the parents' evenings for us.
Ah, you've been everything a godmother should be.
I really love 'em, Denise.
I wish, wherever I go, I could just take them with me.
No.
Ooh, would you like a little drink of Baileys? Yeah.
Ah, just think.
Nana and Mary will be up there now, having a little drink from St Peter's drinks cabinet.
They'll all be up there, having a little drink together in heaven now.
My mam and Mary.
- And Michael Jackson.
- Ooh, yeah.
Jimi Hendrix.
- Kurt Cobain.
- Yeah.
Ooh, and that little fella from Diffrent Strokes.
Yeah.
Aww.
- Cheers.
- Cheers! (Chuckles) Ah, remember that time, Cheryl, when you got your head stuck in the railings? And your mam came down to help.
And she got her head stuck and all.
- Yeah.
- And then your dad came down, and he got his head stuck too! (Laughter) - Oh, yeah.
And all of the firemen were taking photos.
Yeah, they put the photo in the Metro.
Yeah, they used it as a caption contest, didn't they? - What won again? - "Don't feed the animals.
" (Laughter) What about when your mam went to the priest because she thought she had the stigmata? Yeah, but it was just eczema.
Yeah.
She was dead disappointed.
Yeah.
And what about when she won the fancy dress at the Feathers as Desmond Tutu? Oh, yeah.
But she hadn't gone as him, had she? Who did she go as? - Shaun Wright-Phillips.
- Yeah! Shaun Wright-Phillips.
(Laughs) How's your Lewis, Ant? Oh, he's great, yeah.
He was in the school concert last week and got picked to play the violin solo.
Wow.
How's your kids doing, Dave? Smashing, yeah.
It was their school Nativity the other day.
Yeah, it was great.
Denise couldn't come because she was waiting for the DNA results on Jeremy Kyle.
Yeah.
How did little Norma get on? Ah, she was absolutely brilliant.
She played the Virgin Mary.
(Chuckles) But she couldn't remember any of her words, so she just did a forward roll.
She's really got the acting bug now.
- Was little David in it? - Oh, yeah.
- He played one of the three wise men.
- Which one? The one with the wet patch who stands at the back, waving.
Ohnice one.
I'll tell you what, Ant.
There wasn't a prouder parent in there.
Hey, Dave, don't say anything, but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.
- No? - Yeah.
Oh, Ant! Honest? Yeah.
Come here.
- Cheers, Dave.
- Brilliant.
Cheers.
Thanks, Dave.
(Sobbing) Don't upset yourself, Cheryl.
I don't wanna move.
It's my dad, he wants to move because the house has got too many memories.
Well, I can understand that, love.
But I love those memories! Aww! I just I don't think he can get over what's happened.
I think he's having a breakdown.
Ooh, Cheryl, I think you're worrying unnecessarily.
I mean, what's making you think that? I don't know.
Once In Royal David's City Oh Thanks, Barbara.
Thanks, Denise.
Aww.
(Sniffs) Ah.
(Sniffs) (Sighs) I really miss her, Jim.
I'm lost without her.
She was the brains of the outfit.
Eh? Oh, I know that.
I know she was, Joe.
I remember when she was on jury service, she got that confused that she she owned up to the murders herself.
(Laughter) Yeah, that was her.
That was my Mary.
Everywhere she went, she lit up a room.
Aye.
Them Chilean miners could have done with her for a while.
Remember that day we went on an all-day session? Mary walked in, found us naked, wrestling in front of the gas fire.
That wasn't me, you bloody crackpot! That was you and Bob Carter.
Eh? Oh, yeah, Bobby Carter.
Oh, yeah.
Are you sure you're doing the right thing moving, Joe? Yeah, I have to, Jim.
How's Cheryl coping? Well, I think she's having a bit of a breakdown.
She's comfort eating all the time.
Although she insists it's an over-active thyroid.
(Chuckles) Joe.
An over-active thyroid? It was very active last night.
It cleaned out the biscuit tin.
Ah, Joe.
Ah.
I wish you wasn't going, you know, Joe.
It was hard enough to lose Mary.
We don't want to lose you two as well.
Thanks for today, Jim.
She'd have loved it today, wouldn't she? Aye, she would, that.
Her two little cheeks all rosy red with too much sherry.
She'd have had a Baileys in her hand and she'd be singing a song.
Over in Killarney Many years ago My mother sang a song to me In tones so sweet and low Just a simple little ditty In her good old Irish way And I'd give the world if I could hear Her sing that song today Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra Too-ra-loo, ra-li Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra Hush now, don't you cry Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra Too-ra-loo, ra-li Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra That's an Irish lullaby Nice, that, Joe.
Nice, that.
Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Down, Zulu warrior! Get it down, you Zulu chief, chief, chief! Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey (Cheering) Down, you Zulu warrior Get it down, you Zulu chief, chief, chief! Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey (Cheering) Are we having another round? No, get off! You're joking, aren't you? I tell you what.
You've struck gold with that little Saskia, haven't you, eh? Yeah, she's great.
She's great.
Hey, look, don't tell anyone but I'm thinking of asking her to marry me on New Year's Eve.
- I know, Dave told me.
- Dave? Sorry, Ant.
The words just fell out.
I was trying to keep that quiet.
- And your mother told me as well.
- What? Two "Royle" weddings, eh? In one year! (Cheering, banging of table) Mince pies, anybody? (Cheering and shouting) JIM: Joe, my old mate.
(Jim chuckles) Mince-o pie-os! 'Ey up, here she comes.
Congratulations, Saskia! (Gasps of shock) Joe! - He hasn't asked her yet.
- Yes, he did.
He just said so.
He asked her on Christmas Eve.
It's New Year's Eve, Joe.
- What is? - Nothing.
This is not the right moment.
It might be the right moment.
It's nothing to do with you, Denise, this is Anthony's moment.
- This could be a nice moment.
- Let Anthony pick his own moment! He doesn't want to have his moment here.
She might say no.
She's not gonna say no, she's up the duff, isn't she? So why's he asking her again? - No, Dad, he's not, he hasn't asked her yet.
- Has he got the ring, do we know? Right.
It's not exactly how I planned it, but It looks like the moment.
It is the moment.
JOE: What's he doing? - Saskia .
.
will you marry me? - Yeah.
(Wild cheering) JIM: I'm getting married in the morning Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime Pull out the stopper, let's have a whopper And get me to the church on time (Cheering) Congratulations.
This is a moment for Joe's special brandy.
(Cheering) JIM: Joe's own brandy.
Excuse me, everyone.
Quiet, please.
Shh, shh.
I'm just going on the toilet again.
JIM: Bloody, hell, Dave! He's never off that toilet.
Saskia.
Come and give your future father-in-law a little hug.
Ohh! Oh, no! Look at my mam on the rug.
Get her up, quick! I can't get her all up, she's sticking to the carpet.
He's bound to notice she's not all in there.
Why don't we put four scoops of Nana in with Mary? You can't mix dead people's ashes up, Denise! Don't be so disrespectful.
Can't you just hoover the rest of her up? What, with my new Dyson? Hurry up, he'll be back any minute! Has this ever happened to you on Christmas Day, Saskia? No.
(Vacuum cleaner whirs) I'm sorry, Cheryl.
Look out, here he is.
He's coming, he's coming! What's happened? - Mary's in the Dyson.
- What? Mary's in the Dyson! Who's in the Dyson? We were just saying, Joe we didn't expect Mary to die soon.
No.
Vacuuming on Christmas Day, Barbara? She's knocked an ashtray over, Joe.
No.
No, Joe, it's not that.
I've got something to tell you, Joe.
Do you want to tell him, Saskia, with you being a nurse? JOE: Hey, where's Mary's lid gone? Hang on, where's Mary gone? There's been an accident, Joe.
I'm afraid Mary's in the Dyson.
What? My Mary's in the Dyson? - Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
Dad, she's not really in the Dyson.
She's in heaven.
She's gone now.
Aye.
Aye.
Fancy telling him, Saskia.
Saskia! Don't blame Saskia, Dad.
Mam told her to tell him.
Anyway, it's your fault for knocking them off in the first place.
It's his bloody fault for falling on my toe in the first place! I was fixing your tree lights! Leave Dave out of it, Dad.
It's not his fault.
It's Mam's fault for dropping the frozen turkey on it in the first place.
It wasn't my fault, it was your dad's fault because he wouldn't double-bag it.
If I pay for a carrier bag, it's the Coa-bloody-lition's fault! What's the Coalition got to do with Mary being in the Dyson? What did you get us a Dyson for in the first place? You know I've always wanted a Dyson! Yes, and look at the trouble it's caused! I don't think it's the Dyson's fault.
Who has a dead old woman at the table at Christmas Day, anyway? Jim, do you mind! That dead old woman is Cheryl's dead old mother.
(Door opens and closes) - Oh! - He's back.
Are you all right, Dad? Yeah.
You're right, love.
Your mum's not in the Dyson.
And she's really never been in the urn.
She's in here, she's in our hearts, isn't she? ALL: Yeah.
You know, I've been dreading Christmas without her.
But I've realised one thing.
I'll never be on my own, while I've got you lot.
Aww! That's why I went back and took this down.
Because we're going nowhere, Cheryl! (Cheering) Come on, Mary, love.
We're going home.
(Cheering) JIM: Nice one! Lovely! Nice one, Joey! Hey, hey! (Gasps) (Panting) So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway Half the world away Half the world away Half the world away I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down
Oh, bauble, my arse! Ha-ha! I'm not sure this tree's right for this room.
Of course it is.
Twiggy got it especially for us.
Yeah.
Aww When are you going to kiss my baubles, Barb? Oh, Jim! These lights aren't working again.
Are you sure you've definitely got them plugged in right? Stick your tongue in one of the sockets and find out.
Every year we have the same palaver with these lights.
It's time we got some new ones.
What? New ones? With this Coa-bloody-lition going on? You wanna have a word with yourself, Barb.
They've cocked the country up and now they expect us to pay for it.
Jim! I mean, people have started looking down on you, if you claim benefit now.
There's no pride in signing on any more.
The way they're going on, there'll be no bugger signing on.
(Doorbell) Get that, will you, Barbara, that'll be Cameron and Clegg now.
- Oh, get out of it! - (Door opens) - Oh! - Hiya, Mam! (Growls) - Hiya, Barbara.
- Hi, Dave.
Ooh, I like that tree.
Is that off Twiggy? Yeah.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, Jim.
(Mimics Barbara) "Hiya, Dave.
Hiya, Denise.
Sit down.
Have you had your tea? " - "Yeah.
" - "What did you have? " Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak! Is Jim annoyed, Barbara? Yes, Jim is annoyed.
Congratulations, Sherlock.
- Have you done something to your toe, Dad? - No, I haven't.
Your mother has.
She dropped a frozen turkey on it, didn't she? In the supermarket.
I told you we should have double-bagged it.
Double-bagged it? Are you joking, at 5p a carrier bag? I'm not Lord Sugar, you know.
Anyway, it's not that.
- What's wrong with him? - You can ask me, I am in the room.
You haven't got to talk to me through your mother.
- Well, what's wrong, Dad? - Don't tell them, Barbara.
Oh The "Sold" sign went up this morning, next door.
- Oh, it's not, has it? - Mm.
That means it's sold.
Oh, you are right on the ball, aren't you, today, Dave! I never thought they'd go through with it.
This is gonna hit me really hard.
- Yeah.
- Hm.
He's gonna want his lawnmower back, his drill back, his electric screwdriver back.
How's Barbara gonna mow the lawn or put any shelves up? - I'm really upset.
- So am l.
- So am l.
- So am l.
- I hope they don't move too far away.
- Oh, so do l.
- So do l.
- So do l.
Who's gonna look after the kids at weekends when Cheryl goes? - I don't wanna leave them with strangers.
- No.
Where are the kids, Denise? Erm - Where are they, Dave? - Hm They're with that old woman four doors down.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hm.
What is her name? I don't know.
She's nice, though.
Once you get over the smell.
It's really funny, Mam.
The kids put tissues up their nose before they go in.
- It's dead sweet, ain't it, Dave? - Yeah.
What does she smell of? Well, you know when you've just opened a tin of salmon? - Yeah? - Well, that.
- Oh.
- I think it's a bit more cheesy than fishy.
Will you two shut up? You're making me feel hungry.
I make them put their pyjamas on in Dave's van before they come home.
You don't want them bringing the smell into your house.
No.
The kids don't like her, do they, Dave? No.
But I think it's lovely for them to go at Christmas, because she's got, like, a little beard.
- A white one, Barbara.
- Oh, how Christmassy! What's happening to the kids tomorrow, Denise? Well, I can't send them to her at Christmas.
They need to be with family.
So they're going to Dave's mum and dad's.
- Oh.
- They don't like it there either, Barbara.
(Laughs) No.
(Electrical crackling and fizzing) - Ooh! - Oh, hello! ALL: Oh! Oh! (All groan) - Have you had your teas? - Yeah.
- Oh, what did you have? - Toad in the hole.
Oooh, toad in the hole.
(Chuckles) But we didn't have any sausages left, so we just had the hole.
Hm.
The hole.
- I didn't like it, really.
- Didn't you, Dave? No, it didn't taste of anything.
- No.
- Well, it was a hole, Dave.
- Where's Anthony and Saskia tonight? - They're dropping presents off.
I think they needed a bit of time away from things.
- When's the new house gonna be ready? - Middle of January.
Oh, it's been lovely having my little boy at home again.
Your little boy? He's six foot two and 30 years of age, you daft old bat! And a merry Christmas to you an' all, Jim.
Bah! - Hey, Mam? - Hm? While they're out why don't me and you go upstairs and have a little look at what Saskia's got hung up in her wardrobe? Ooh, what a good idea.
She won't mind.
- Well, it's quite flattering really, isn't it? - Yeah! (Giggling) DENlSE: She's got some lovely jewellery Hey, Dave, it's doing my head in having them two staying here.
- Who? - Saskia and Anthony, you rattle-head.
Barbara's on at me every five minutes.
I can't fart in front of Saskia.
I can't scratch me nuts in front of Saskia.
I can't lounge round in my Y-fronts in front of Saskia.
All the joys in life have gone, Dave.
You don't want that, do you, James? No.
And when I go for my morning dump, I've got to hang around for ages to see if there's any floaters.
I had a 20-minute battle with one this morning.
It was like trying to sink the Ark Royal.
(Chuckles) Oh, yeah, and if I go for a wee and I miss, I've got to clean it up meself.
In case Saskia comes in after me! I can't just leave it for Barbara any more.
- (Exhales heavily) - Eh! And when she goes for a bath there's candles and jock-sticks.
It's like bloody Glastonbury up there.
And our Anthony's blocked the keyhole up with toilet roll.
What sort of a man does he think I am, eh? Took me nearly 20 minutes to unpick it.
By the time I'd finished she'd had her shower and gone.
You get notes, don't you? You get undercurrents.
Oh, eh, Dave? If I do a fart tomorrow, will you own up to it for me? Well, what if you don't do one? What, with a bellyful of Barbara's sprouts? It's an accident waiting to happen.
How will I know, though, when you've done one? I'll give you a sign.
If I clean me glasses you know that I've set one free.
Is that all right with you, Dave? Check.
Thank you, David.
(Footsteps on stairs) (Barbara giggles) Ooh, she's got lovely things.
(Sniffs) Dave, smell that.
Isn't it gorgeous? Mm.
Lovely.
Saskia's perfume.
(Sniffs) Oooh, that's lovely.
I'm gonna try and sneak up tomorrow and put some on for Christmas Day.
What a good idea.
I'll do that as well.
It's funny someone of her age keeping a diary, isn't it, Mam? Yeah.
She don't think much of you, Dad.
Oh, I know.
I've read it.
Slovenly, my arse! Why didn't she tell me to my face? Because she's sneaky, she is.
- Did you put the little padlock back on? DENlSE: Yeah.
Why she keeps that key in a separate drawer I'll never know.
DENlSE: No.
- (Electrical fizzing) ALL: Oh! - (Crackling) ALL: Oh! Ooh! (All groan) Do you want me to have a look at the tree lights for you, Barbara? - Would you, Dave? - Hm.
Dave is absolutely brilliant with electricity.
BARBARA: Aw.
It's usually the fuse bulb, the white one.
Here you are.
- (Cheering) - Well done, David.
- Well done! BARBARA: Thanks - (Boom!) JIM: Dave, you gormless sod! DENlSE: Dave! DAVE: Woargh! Aaargh, me toe! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Everywhere you go Oh! A Dyson! (Laughter) - What I've always wanted.
- Aw, I'm glad you like it, Mam.
- Ah, Anthony! - (Chuckles) Merry Christmas.
- Oh, thank you.
- There you go.
Aww - Thank you.
- It's all right.
I wish we'd got you a Dyson now, instead of that fridge magnet.
Oh, I like that just as much.
Yeah, but I think it looks better on our fridge door than it did on yours, love.
And er - ooh - this one's for you, Jim.
BARBARA: Ooh! - For me? He-he, he-he, hee-hee! What can it be? Let's have a look.
Lucky old me! (Barbara gasps) - Sky HD! Heh, heh-heh! - Whoo! Nice one, Lurky.
That's bloody great, that is.
Come here, you.
Give old Jim a little kiss.
Come on! Do you know what? You're a bloody diamond! Come on, go and sit down.
Do you know where I'm going to put this? I'm going to put this next to that fun-size bar of Toblerone that Dave, Denise and the two kids bought me for Christmas.
- (Whispers) You tight arse.
- Are you ready? - Go on, Mam.
Go on.
- Go on! (Vacuum whirs) OTHERS: Whooo! JIM: Yeah-hey! Wow.
Wahey! - (Laughter) - Very nice.
Ooh, look at all the dirt! - It's lovely, Barbara.
- Thanks, Cheryl.
- Is your dad on his way over? - Yeah.
- Is he bringing your mam? - Yeah.
Right, well, let's get to the table, then.
Come on.
Er, Dave, Anthony, help your dad.
Careful, careful, careful.
Bloody thing's throbbing.
Watch where you're putting Oh, you clumsy Get your arse out of my face, you stupid sod! All right? Ready? One, two, three.
BARBARA: Whooo! JIM: Aaargh, aargh.
BARBARA: Oooh! Don't sit me with there with me back to the telly.
Aaargh! Oh, don't sit him there.
He'll be in my way when I bring the stuff out.
- Aargh.
- Don't put him there.
I don't want him next to me.
Why don't you put me in the bloody garden and be done with it? Over there, the top one.
Ooh, aargh! Watch me bollocks! Set me down, set me down, set me down.
Set me down.
Oh! Get that bloody puffy, will you, Anthony.
Oh Taketake it easy.
God, you're a clumsy little sod, you are! Watch the bloody table.
Aargh! Oh.
(Groans) BARBARA: Oh, it's Joe and Mary.
- Merry Christmas.
- Your dad.
JOE: Merry Christmas.
- Aw - Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas, Joe.
I brought Mary with me, cos I didn't like to leave her on her own.
No.
Nobody should be on their own at Christmas.
Oh, here you are, Joe.
You're sitting here next to me.
What shall I do with Mary? Oh, give her to me.
I'll put her on the telly with Nana.
They always got on well together.
It's a pity we've scattered me mam's ashes, isn't it, Barb? Because we could have set a table for all of them in there.
Jim.
Merry Christmas, Joe.
Have you met Saskia? - Oh, you're Saskia.
I'm Joe.
- Hiya.
- Lovely to meet you.
- You too.
I wish you could have met my wife Mary, but she's dead at the moment.
That's her on top of the telly.
My grandma died recently.
She's still in the urn.
We haven't got round to scattering her yet.
You should have brought her up with you, Saskia.
We could have put her up there in the line-up of the living dead on top of the television.
Bloody hell, Barbara.
What time's Vincent Price gonna show up? (Laughter) Would you like any help in the kitchen, Barbara? Ooh, no, you're all right, love.
You stay there.
Dave, come on, you know I'm bloody helpless with the toes.
That's it.
Come on, son.
That's it.
No thanks, not for me.
- When's the baby due, Saskia? - The middle of January.
Have you had any cravings? I've been having really strong cravings for Maltesers.
Oh.
Maltesers.
- I had cravings with my two, didn't l, Dave? - Yeah.
- What were they again? - Vodka and Red Bull.
Oh, yeah.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Hey, Saskia, if you ever need a baby-sitter, just ask us.
Thanks, Denise.
There's this old woman four doors down from us and she has ours any time.
Excuse me, everybody .
.
I'm going on the toilet.
Thanks, Dave.
Oh, wasn't it awful? Did you see in the Metro? Somebody's stole the Christmas tree from in front of the old people's home.
Never mind about that, Cheryl, love.
You're bringing the atmosphere down.
Here's the turkey.
Let's have three cheers for the turkey.
(Cheering) The old turkey, here we go.
- Pigs in blankets.
- You what, Joe? Them.
Pigs in blankets.
Mary loved them.
BARBARA: Oh, well, she did, didn't she, Joe? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry, Joe.
How have you been coping? Well, I can't say I haven't missed her.
Well, we all do, Joe.
Help yourself to the margarine, love.
Do you know, she had all her own teeth until the day she died, Saskie.
- Oh, did she? - Except for the top set.
And another six at the bottom.
- Oh.
- I keep her dentures on the bedside table.
And do you know, every morning I get upthere she is.
- Smiling at me.
- Aww That's lovely, Joe.
And when I'm really missing her I pop her glasses on the top.
(Laughter) Why don't you get an old mop head, Joe, and complete the picture? - Oh, isn't this lovely? - Yeah.
Tell me, who wouldn't look forward to Christmas Day? - Well, the turkey for one! - (Laughter) Do you know, Mary would have laughed at that if she weren't dead.
Aww Tell you what, Barb, this lot looks bloody lovely.
Oh, Jim.
(Taps glass) I hope you don't mind, butas a mark of respect, I think we ought to have a minute's silence for Mary before we eat.
- There's no need for that, Joe.
You're all right.
- A minute's silence? A minute from Look, Cheryl, will you time it for me? - A minute? - Hm.
- Right, well, from now.
- (Murmuring) (Jim mumbles and sighs) JIM: Come on, come on.
(Mouths) (Whispers) What can I do? (Whispers) Behave.
Have you got any air freshener, Barbara? Ssssh! - Dave, shush.
- Sssssh! What's up? What's happening? We're having a minute's silence for Mary.
- When's it happening? - It's now, Dave.
Now I've had to speak we have to do it all over again.
- There's no need for that, Joe.
- A minute fromnow! (Coughs) (Jim whistles) (Mouths) (Mouths) Now, now.
Now! (Whispers) It's a minute's silence.
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt the minute's silence, but I have just done a trump, not Jim.
Dave! Show a bit of bloody respect! (Sighs) We'll have to do it again.
Actually, Dad, we did 40 seconds then and 30 seconds the first time.
- So we're ten seconds over.
- (All cheer) - This is lovely, Barbara.
- Thanks, love.
Would you like some gravy? Mm.
What did you get Anthony for Christmas, Saskia? - 3D-TV.
- 3D-TV? - 3D-TV? - I love 3D-TV.
I love 3D-TV.
Fancy watching This Morning in 3D-TV! Holly Willoughby's wallabies coming towards you in 3D.
(Laughs) That's the future! - Willoughby's wallabies in 3D.
- Two double D's in 3D, eh, Dave? - 1 D would do me.
1 D at a time, sweet Jesus Wasn't Mary's funeral a good send-off? - (All sigh) - It was a glorious day.
It was a lovely service, Joe.
Just a shame about the ice-cream van during the eulogy.
The vicar said it was the smallest gathering he'd ever seen.
- Aw.
- Oh.
Did you see Mary's sister? She's lrish, the same as Mary.
You know, she was the one with the one black tooth, off centre hanging loose.
Was she the one who tried to start the Mexican wave in the church? - Mm-hm.
That's the one.
- Oh, she was a bit funny.
She was giggling all the way through the service.
She's certified insane.
Come to think of it, I thought she was a bit odd, trying to get us all to do the conga, filing out the church.
We put everything that was dear to Mary in her coffin, Saskia.
Oh, did you, Joe? What a lovely idea.
Mm, it was, wasn't it? - What did you put in it.
- Her wedding dress - Oh.
- And her Beverley Callard keep-fit videos.
George Foreman's grill.
Anda photo of Cheryl.
- Oh, that's nice.
- That's lovely.
Oh, no, not me.
Cheryl Cole.
JIM: I'll tell you what, though.
It's a wonder there was any room in there for Mary.
Who packed the coffin? Was it the funeral director or was itPickfords? (All laugh) I have brought the poem with me if you'd like to hear it again.
- No, no - It's all right, Joe.
It's still fresh in our minds, Joe.
No, no.
If Joe wants to read it, let him read it.
Anyway, Saskia hasn't heard it.
- You'd like to hear it, wouldn't you, Saskia love? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Go on, Joe.
Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary "Mary, Mary, Mary.
" Who's it about, Joe? JOE: Mary.
- Jim.
You are my wife, my friend and my lover, A part-time dinner lady and also a mother Oh.
Chips, peas and gravy - that's what you had Chips, pie and gravy - that's what I had - Is this a poem, Joe, or a bloody menu? - Jim.
I'll meet you in heaven, it's peaceful up there I'll spot you immediately with your ginger hair (Sniggering) So, bye-bye, Mary, now up in the sky Farewell, my Mary, you're dead now - bye-bye Ohso lovely, Joe.
It gets better every time you read it.
- (Sniggering) - Saskia, don't get upset, love.
I've forgot.
It's the first time you've heard it, isn't it? Joe, do you mind not reading it again? It's too upsetting.
And, do you know, when the curtains closed and they played her song, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What was it, Joe? Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone when the morning comes When the night is over, like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone, gone, gone Like a bat out of - Joe! - Ruddy hell, Joe.
DENlSE: I love that song.
What song would you have played, Mam, for your funeral? I know! Ding-dong the witch is dead Which old witch? The wicked old witch (Laughter) - I know what song I'd have at your funeral.
- What? Does he wash up? No, he never washes up Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up Does he brush up? No, he never brushes up He does nothing The boy does nothing (Cheering) Does he wash up? He never wash up Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up Oh, hurry up! No, to the left! To the left! Put me down gentle! Gentle! (Groans) Where you going? Where you going? The trousers! The trousers! Hurry up! Hurry up! It's peeping! It's peeping! (Groans) That's it.
Ahh.
The t Aargh.
The toe! The toe! Oh.
Hey, come on, outside! Give a man a bit of bloody dignity! Does he brush up? He never brushed up He does nothing, the boy does nothing (Cackles) Does he wash up? He never wash up Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up Does he brush up? He never brushed up He does nothing, the boy does nothing - To Mary.
ALL: To Mary! And to the end of 201 0 cos the country's going to the bloody dogs, isn't it? - To the dogs and all.
- (All toast) All we've had is cuts, cuts and more cuts.
- Oh, yeah.
- They've cut Heartbeat, The Bill, Last Of The Summer Wine.
Aye.
Do you like being a nurse, Saskia? I love it, yeah.
It's really rewarding.
- I wanted to be a nurse.
- Oh, did you, Cheryl? - I think you'd have made a lovely nurse, Cheryl.
- Yeah.
The only thing is, I can't stand the sight of blood and I don't like looking after people.
Well, why did you want to be a nurse, Cheryl? - I like the upside-down watches.
- Bloody hell, Cheryl.
What department do you work in, Saskia? A&E.
Oh, tell them about that bloke that came in last week.
- Oh, no.
- No, go on.
- Oh - Go on, tell them.
- Tell us.
- All right.
Well, we had this middle-aged man - bank manager, he was - he had a light bulb lodged up his bottom.
(All laugh) - What wattage was it? - What does it matter what wattage it was? It'd been up there a while before he came in.
I hope it was an energy-saving bulb! (All laugh) - Good one, James.
- How did he explain that? He said he just got out of the shower and accidentally sat on a lamp.
Oh, as if! Tell me, this bulb - was it screw fitting or was it a bayonet? What does it matter if it was a screw-fit, a bayonet or what bloody wattage it was? There's a fella out there with a bulb stuck up his arse in A&E, not in B&Q! - Well, why did he do it? - I don't know.
He might have been frightened of a power cut and he wanted to go for a crap.
- You're spoiling Saskia's lovely story here.
- You didn't keep the bulb, did you, Saskia? - We could've used it on our Christmas tree.
- Don't be ridiculous, Jim.
You can't put a bulb that's been up somebody's bottom on your tree at Christmas.
Erdo you do any private work? You see, I have this boil that needs looking at, and I'm I'd like a professional opinion.
Whereabouts is it, Joe? It's about two inches to the left of where that bloke had his bulb lodged.
Oh, right.
I thought it looked bigger than it was when I saw it.
But it seemed thatCheryl was holding the mirror wrong way round.
Oh, Cheryl.
The main reason I wanted to be a nurse was so I could have married a doctor.
ALL: Aw.
- Are you seeing anyone at the moment? I was seeing this lad up until recently but we split up.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, it's fine.
I'm over it now.
- How long ago was it? - Five months, three weeks, two days.
Oh.
Where did you meet him, Cheryl? Well, I was sitting on a bench in the precinct, having my morning pasties, when this cute little dog came and started jumping up at me.
I gave him a little bit of one and this voice said, "Give him any more, he'll follow you home.
" I looked up and there he was.
I fancied him straightaway.
ALL: Aw.
- How romantic.
- I said, "Hello, my name's Cheryl.
" - And what did he say? - "Have you got a pound for a cup of tea? " - Oh, right.
Then he shook his paper cup at me, dead flirty, like.
- And what was his name, Cheryl? - Spamhead.
Ah.
He had lovely handwriting as well.
Except he put two Ms and one S in "homeless".
- Oh, right.
- And an I in "hungry".
- Well, he was only a few letters out.
- Yeah.
You know what? That's just like a Mills & Boon story.
Lovely.
- Hey, did you meet him, Joe? - Yes.
Only once.
I took him home to meet my dad.
But after we'd left, my dad couldn't find his Post Office savings book.
When we asked Spamhead, he said his dog had probably eaten it.
I think his dog was able to talk as well, cos he went to the Post Office and took all my savings out.
You know, I never liked Spamhead.
- Never took you anywhere, did he? - No.
I think next time you should go for someone who isn't tagged.
I thought Spamhead was a nice lad.
What was he tagged for? Dogging.
(Jim chuckles) I can't stop looking at them two over there.
Two old friends together again.
- Oh, ain't it lovely? - Yeah.
- You're right, Barbara.
They do look lovely.
- Yeah.
Make a nice photo, that.
Ooh, yeah, it would.
Where's my camera? Barbara, it's Christmas Day, love, not Halloween.
- Can I be in this photo, Barbara? - Yes.
Come on, Joe.
I don't know about losing his wife.
He's lost the plot.
BARBARA: Get in there.
Smile.
Oh.
Yeah, that's lovely.
Erm, don't take offence, will you, Barbara, butcan I have one without your mum? Cos I'd like just a family one with me, Mary and Cheryl.
All right.
Come on, Cheryl.
We've had more fun with them now than when they were alive.
Smile! weet, sweet memories you gave-a me You can't beat the memories you gave-a me Take one fresh and tender kiss Add one stolen night of bliss One girl, one boy Some grief, some joy Memories are made of this - (Cheers) Memories are made of this Memories are made of this Oh, we've had a lovely day, Mam.
Thanks.
Aw.
- Is Saskia enjoying herself? - Yeah.
I do worry what people think about your dad.
He can be a bit off-putting, you know.
- With his dirty habits.
- Mm.
His personality.
And body odour.
- But we've never known any different, have we? - No.
He dropped a silent one the other night, in the middle of Come Dine With Me.
She must have smelt it - cos she couldn't not.
One of his Sunday ones.
- Oh.
- But she didn't say anything.
Just politely put a tissue to her nose, kept it there for ten minutes until it had evaporated.
You know, she's really classy.
Well, I warned her about my dad.
Do you know, I've really enjoyed having you here for the last couple of weeks.
Aw.
I wish you weren't going to your house after Christmas.
Can't let me come with you, can you? Saskia would let you, Mam.
She thinks the world of you.
- Does she? - Yeah.
Course she does.
- Aw.
She is really lovely, Anthony.
- I know.
I think she might be the one for me, you know.
- Really? - Don't say anything, but .
.
I'm thinking of asking her to marry me, on New Year's Eve.
- Are you? - Yeah.
Oh, Anthony.
Oh.
- Oh.
- Mam.
Oh, God.
Are you gonna propose here? Well, no.
I want her to say yes.
Oh.
- Two "Royle" weddings in one year! - Yeah.
I hope the Queen doesn't get the same hat as me.
You can wear that one.
Come here.
Oh, I love you, Anthony.
I'm so happy for you.
That's us with the Blackpool Tower behind us.
Oh, yeah.
Now, look, that's me and Mary at Harry Ramsden's.
Ah.
And that one's on the beach.
That's Mary, in that deckchair.
Yeah.
Have you got any of Mary before she was in the urn, Joe? Oh, no, she didn't like her photo taken.
I've got a scan photo of the baby in my bag if you'd like to have a look at it.
Oh, yeah.
No, thanks.
I think you're on a winner with Anthony.
He's a smashing lad.
Yeah, I know.
I much prefer you to his last girlfriend.
Emma.
Thanks, Joe.
She was much better looking than you, but you've got a better personality.
Right.
But Well, looks fade, don't they? Oh, aye.
Oh, aye.
But not in her case.
I saw her last week and she was still bloody gorgeous.
Hard job being a nurse, isn't it? - Sometimes.
Yeah.
- Mm.
When somebody's gonna die .
.
do you tell 'em or do you leave it as a surprise? W Every case is different.
Hm.
I know it was as much a surprise to Mary as it was to me when she expired.
I know she hadn't planned on dying, because she'd just bought a 201 1 diary.
Oh, that's a shame.
Mm.
Don't tell Barbara, though.
I gave it to her for Christmas.
Some folk get upset about getting second-hand diaries from dead people.
- Yeah.
I can imagine.
- Mm.
Now, this light bulb Was it a pearl or was it clear? Bloody hell, Joe! - You all right, Cheryl? - Yeah.
Not bad.
- Considering.
- Oh, yeah.
I still can't believe you're moving.
It'll be weird, you not living next-door any more.
It's gonna be weird for me, too.
Mm.
I'll really miss you, you know, Cheryl.
I've always thought of you as like my other sister.
- You know, the nice one.
- Thanks.
Aw.
- I think Saskia's really lovely.
- Yeah, she is.
She's great.
How does she get on with your Lewis? Really well.
Really well.
He's at his mum's.
We're picking him up tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- How did you meet her? Oh, well, my mate was in hospital.
I went to visit him and she was his nurse.
I just thought she was gorgeous.
He wasn't even that good a mate, but I was there every night.
The nurses were really lovely in the hospital where my mum was when she was ill.
- It must have been a really difficult time.
- Yeah, it was.
sed to go every day.
One morning I turned up and they'd switched the machine off.
What? Her life-support machine? No, the vending machine in the corridor.
Oh, right.
Listen don't tell anyone but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.
Ssh.
Yeah, yeah.
(Chuckles) Hey, Mam, isn't Saskia lovely? Yeah.
What? Don't say anything, but our Anthony's thinking of asking her to marry him on New Year's Eve.
(Stifles shriek) Ohh! Oh, two "Royle" weddings.
In one year.
Shh, shh.
You all right, Cheryl? Yeah.
She's lovely, isn't she, Saskia? Yeah.
Look, don't say anything, but Anthony's thinking of asking Saskia to marry him on New Year's Eve.
We know.
Two "Royle" weddings.
In one year.
I had my work's do last Friday, Dave.
Oh, did you, Ant? So did l.
What did you do? Well, the company hired the Grosvenor in London.
- The Grosvenor? - Yeah.
Yeah, a proper black-tie job, it was.
Kicked off with cocktails and it was free drink all night.
And then JLS went on stage.
- JLS? - Then they had this casino thing, and everybody got 100 pounds worth of chips.
Chips - at the Grosvenor? What did you do on yours? It started off in the Feathers.
And it ended up in the Feathers.
- Where'd you go in between? - The Feathers.
Who went? Well, it was a joint do with Diarrhoea Pete, the roofer, and Shaky Dave, the electrician.
Bit of a sesh, was it? No, cos they both said they had to go after one.
- Oh, right.
- Mm.
Bit weird, really, because I thought I saw them in the Oak later on when I was going home.
Sure it was them? I'm not positive because they were ducking down when I went past.
We're gonna really miss you when you move, Cheryl.
I really do miss you, Cheryl.
The kids are really gonna miss you.
You've been a brilliant godmother.
Thanks, Denise.
You've potty-trained 'em, taught 'em to read and write, went to all the parents' evenings for us.
Ah, you've been everything a godmother should be.
I really love 'em, Denise.
I wish, wherever I go, I could just take them with me.
No.
Ooh, would you like a little drink of Baileys? Yeah.
Ah, just think.
Nana and Mary will be up there now, having a little drink from St Peter's drinks cabinet.
They'll all be up there, having a little drink together in heaven now.
My mam and Mary.
- And Michael Jackson.
- Ooh, yeah.
Jimi Hendrix.
- Kurt Cobain.
- Yeah.
Ooh, and that little fella from Diffrent Strokes.
Yeah.
Aww.
- Cheers.
- Cheers! (Chuckles) Ah, remember that time, Cheryl, when you got your head stuck in the railings? And your mam came down to help.
And she got her head stuck and all.
- Yeah.
- And then your dad came down, and he got his head stuck too! (Laughter) - Oh, yeah.
And all of the firemen were taking photos.
Yeah, they put the photo in the Metro.
Yeah, they used it as a caption contest, didn't they? - What won again? - "Don't feed the animals.
" (Laughter) What about when your mam went to the priest because she thought she had the stigmata? Yeah, but it was just eczema.
Yeah.
She was dead disappointed.
Yeah.
And what about when she won the fancy dress at the Feathers as Desmond Tutu? Oh, yeah.
But she hadn't gone as him, had she? Who did she go as? - Shaun Wright-Phillips.
- Yeah! Shaun Wright-Phillips.
(Laughs) How's your Lewis, Ant? Oh, he's great, yeah.
He was in the school concert last week and got picked to play the violin solo.
Wow.
How's your kids doing, Dave? Smashing, yeah.
It was their school Nativity the other day.
Yeah, it was great.
Denise couldn't come because she was waiting for the DNA results on Jeremy Kyle.
Yeah.
How did little Norma get on? Ah, she was absolutely brilliant.
She played the Virgin Mary.
(Chuckles) But she couldn't remember any of her words, so she just did a forward roll.
She's really got the acting bug now.
- Was little David in it? - Oh, yeah.
- He played one of the three wise men.
- Which one? The one with the wet patch who stands at the back, waving.
Ohnice one.
I'll tell you what, Ant.
There wasn't a prouder parent in there.
Hey, Dave, don't say anything, but I'm thinking of asking Saskia to marry me on New Year's Eve.
- No? - Yeah.
Oh, Ant! Honest? Yeah.
Come here.
- Cheers, Dave.
- Brilliant.
Cheers.
Thanks, Dave.
(Sobbing) Don't upset yourself, Cheryl.
I don't wanna move.
It's my dad, he wants to move because the house has got too many memories.
Well, I can understand that, love.
But I love those memories! Aww! I just I don't think he can get over what's happened.
I think he's having a breakdown.
Ooh, Cheryl, I think you're worrying unnecessarily.
I mean, what's making you think that? I don't know.
Once In Royal David's City Oh Thanks, Barbara.
Thanks, Denise.
Aww.
(Sniffs) Ah.
(Sniffs) (Sighs) I really miss her, Jim.
I'm lost without her.
She was the brains of the outfit.
Eh? Oh, I know that.
I know she was, Joe.
I remember when she was on jury service, she got that confused that she she owned up to the murders herself.
(Laughter) Yeah, that was her.
That was my Mary.
Everywhere she went, she lit up a room.
Aye.
Them Chilean miners could have done with her for a while.
Remember that day we went on an all-day session? Mary walked in, found us naked, wrestling in front of the gas fire.
That wasn't me, you bloody crackpot! That was you and Bob Carter.
Eh? Oh, yeah, Bobby Carter.
Oh, yeah.
Are you sure you're doing the right thing moving, Joe? Yeah, I have to, Jim.
How's Cheryl coping? Well, I think she's having a bit of a breakdown.
She's comfort eating all the time.
Although she insists it's an over-active thyroid.
(Chuckles) Joe.
An over-active thyroid? It was very active last night.
It cleaned out the biscuit tin.
Ah, Joe.
Ah.
I wish you wasn't going, you know, Joe.
It was hard enough to lose Mary.
We don't want to lose you two as well.
Thanks for today, Jim.
She'd have loved it today, wouldn't she? Aye, she would, that.
Her two little cheeks all rosy red with too much sherry.
She'd have had a Baileys in her hand and she'd be singing a song.
Over in Killarney Many years ago My mother sang a song to me In tones so sweet and low Just a simple little ditty In her good old Irish way And I'd give the world if I could hear Her sing that song today Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra Too-ra-loo, ra-li Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra Hush now, don't you cry Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra Too-ra-loo, ra-li Too-ra-loo, ra-loo-ra That's an Irish lullaby Nice, that, Joe.
Nice, that.
Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Down, Zulu warrior! Get it down, you Zulu chief, chief, chief! Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey (Cheering) Down, you Zulu warrior Get it down, you Zulu chief, chief, chief! Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey Azay-yoomba, yoomba-ey (Cheering) Are we having another round? No, get off! You're joking, aren't you? I tell you what.
You've struck gold with that little Saskia, haven't you, eh? Yeah, she's great.
She's great.
Hey, look, don't tell anyone but I'm thinking of asking her to marry me on New Year's Eve.
- I know, Dave told me.
- Dave? Sorry, Ant.
The words just fell out.
I was trying to keep that quiet.
- And your mother told me as well.
- What? Two "Royle" weddings, eh? In one year! (Cheering, banging of table) Mince pies, anybody? (Cheering and shouting) JIM: Joe, my old mate.
(Jim chuckles) Mince-o pie-os! 'Ey up, here she comes.
Congratulations, Saskia! (Gasps of shock) Joe! - He hasn't asked her yet.
- Yes, he did.
He just said so.
He asked her on Christmas Eve.
It's New Year's Eve, Joe.
- What is? - Nothing.
This is not the right moment.
It might be the right moment.
It's nothing to do with you, Denise, this is Anthony's moment.
- This could be a nice moment.
- Let Anthony pick his own moment! He doesn't want to have his moment here.
She might say no.
She's not gonna say no, she's up the duff, isn't she? So why's he asking her again? - No, Dad, he's not, he hasn't asked her yet.
- Has he got the ring, do we know? Right.
It's not exactly how I planned it, but It looks like the moment.
It is the moment.
JOE: What's he doing? - Saskia .
.
will you marry me? - Yeah.
(Wild cheering) JIM: I'm getting married in the morning Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime Pull out the stopper, let's have a whopper And get me to the church on time (Cheering) Congratulations.
This is a moment for Joe's special brandy.
(Cheering) JIM: Joe's own brandy.
Excuse me, everyone.
Quiet, please.
Shh, shh.
I'm just going on the toilet again.
JIM: Bloody, hell, Dave! He's never off that toilet.
Saskia.
Come and give your future father-in-law a little hug.
Ohh! Oh, no! Look at my mam on the rug.
Get her up, quick! I can't get her all up, she's sticking to the carpet.
He's bound to notice she's not all in there.
Why don't we put four scoops of Nana in with Mary? You can't mix dead people's ashes up, Denise! Don't be so disrespectful.
Can't you just hoover the rest of her up? What, with my new Dyson? Hurry up, he'll be back any minute! Has this ever happened to you on Christmas Day, Saskia? No.
(Vacuum cleaner whirs) I'm sorry, Cheryl.
Look out, here he is.
He's coming, he's coming! What's happened? - Mary's in the Dyson.
- What? Mary's in the Dyson! Who's in the Dyson? We were just saying, Joe we didn't expect Mary to die soon.
No.
Vacuuming on Christmas Day, Barbara? She's knocked an ashtray over, Joe.
No.
No, Joe, it's not that.
I've got something to tell you, Joe.
Do you want to tell him, Saskia, with you being a nurse? JOE: Hey, where's Mary's lid gone? Hang on, where's Mary gone? There's been an accident, Joe.
I'm afraid Mary's in the Dyson.
What? My Mary's in the Dyson? - Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
- Sorry, Joe.
Dad, she's not really in the Dyson.
She's in heaven.
She's gone now.
Aye.
Aye.
Fancy telling him, Saskia.
Saskia! Don't blame Saskia, Dad.
Mam told her to tell him.
Anyway, it's your fault for knocking them off in the first place.
It's his bloody fault for falling on my toe in the first place! I was fixing your tree lights! Leave Dave out of it, Dad.
It's not his fault.
It's Mam's fault for dropping the frozen turkey on it in the first place.
It wasn't my fault, it was your dad's fault because he wouldn't double-bag it.
If I pay for a carrier bag, it's the Coa-bloody-lition's fault! What's the Coalition got to do with Mary being in the Dyson? What did you get us a Dyson for in the first place? You know I've always wanted a Dyson! Yes, and look at the trouble it's caused! I don't think it's the Dyson's fault.
Who has a dead old woman at the table at Christmas Day, anyway? Jim, do you mind! That dead old woman is Cheryl's dead old mother.
(Door opens and closes) - Oh! - He's back.
Are you all right, Dad? Yeah.
You're right, love.
Your mum's not in the Dyson.
And she's really never been in the urn.
She's in here, she's in our hearts, isn't she? ALL: Yeah.
You know, I've been dreading Christmas without her.
But I've realised one thing.
I'll never be on my own, while I've got you lot.
Aww! That's why I went back and took this down.
Because we're going nowhere, Cheryl! (Cheering) Come on, Mary, love.
We're going home.
(Cheering) JIM: Nice one! Lovely! Nice one, Joey! Hey, hey! (Gasps) (Panting) So what do you say? You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway Half the world away Half the world away Half the world away I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down