The Royle Family (1998) s99e05 Episode Script
Barbara's Old Ring
1 I would like to leave this city This old town don't smell too pretty And I can feel the warning signs Running around my mind So what do you say You can't give me the dreams if they're mine anyway Half the world away Half the world away Half the world away I've been lost I've been found But I don't feel down 'Together they make up the egg heads.
' Jim! Will you stop knocking Nana with your nuts! Aw! Doesn't it look lovely, the tree, Jim? Yeah.
So glad we left it up from last year.
That was our Denise's little tip, wasn't it? Yeah.
How many times are you going to look in the same bloody place? Well, it's my wedding ring, Jim! I know, but it'll turn up! Oh, Jim, you're going to have to cancel this repeat prescription, this bureau's full of pile cream! Never mind about that, you worry about your ring and I'll worry about mine! Oh, where can it be? I haven't looked down the back of the sofa yet.
Oh, there's loads of stuff down here! Any money down there, it'll be mine, you know, Barb.
Oh, oh, look! Our Anthony's dummy! Oh bless.
Oh, scratchcard that hasn't been scratched.
That's mine, that, Barb.
Oh! Look at that, Jim, an old drill.
Hey! That's Joe's.
Put it back.
I might want to use that one day! It's like the bloody Generation Game down the back of that sofa, Barb! No fondue sets down there, is there? No, it's not here.
Get that, will you, Barb? Yeah.
Oh, Jim! Sorry, Barb.
Aw! Hiya, Mam.
Hiya, Denise.
You all right? Yeah.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Hiya, Dad.
Hiya, Denise, Are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, Denise.
Yeah.
I can't find my wedding ring.
Aw, it'll turn up.
It meant a lot to me that ring, it took me three months to pay it off.
36 weeks at one shilling and sixpence.
Yeah, you had to take a second job on to pay for that, didn't you? Yeah, I was a machinist during the day and then I'd come home, get your dad's tea, put whatever channel he wanted on the telly, and then go out again to the school and clean for three hours.
Yeah, those were the days, eh, Barb? Yeah.
We'd be watching the telly of a night and I'd just look across like that and she'd be fast asleep, the poor oul thing.
So, I'd leave her there sometimes till 10 or even 11 o'clock, but then I'd lean across and I used to whisper, "Come on, Barb.
Come on, Barbara, love.
"You fell asleep in your chair again.
"You know what time it is? It's time.
"It's time for me supper.
Aw! 'Is that your answer? Yeah.
It is the right answer, Judith' Have you had your tea? Yeah.
What did you have? Chops.
Chops, oh, how lovely! Lamb or pork? I don't mean chops, I mean chips.
Little Norma made 'em.
Oh! I got her a little stool, so she can reach the chip pan.
What a good idea! Well, when you've got kids, you've got to think, safety first.
Oh, you have, Denise.
That's why I make 'em wear fluorescent jackets, when I send them to the off-license at night.
Oh yes, safety first.
They're at that dead cheeky stage now.
Keep saying things like, "I hate you" and "I wish I'd never been born!" What are they like? Oh, Denise, where's Dave? Oh, he's not here.
Jim, Dave's not here.
Who? David.
David, Denise's husband.
Oh, Dave, yeah! Where is Dave, Denise? Erm, He's had to go somewhere.
Oh.
You should have said earlier, I could have been missing him.
You know, I thought there was more room on the sofa! Where's he gone? Who? Dave.
Erm He's at a conference.
A conference? Dave? Oh, Denise! You must be so proud! A conference? Dave? He's a bloody removal man! What does he want a conference for? How many are at this conference, Denise? Just Dave.
Oh, just Dave.
Oh, that's nice.
That's not a bloody conference! That's just Dave talking to himself! And where are they having this conference, eh? In his van? Jim, why can't you be happy for Dave's conference? Anyway, that's how conferences start, with one person! Does anyone want a cup of tea? I'm going to put a brew on.
Oh, Jim.
She's not herself.
Something's the matter.
Mam! Where are the mugs? In the top cupboard.
Mam.
Where do you keep the milk? In the fridge.
Mam.
How much milk do you put in the mugs? Oh, I'll go and help her.
'Oh, you're doing well, you've got the mugs out.
'That's good.
' So, THAT'S how much milk you put in.
Oh, right! Are you all right, Denise? Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah.
You know you can tell me anything, don't you? Well, me and Dave have been having problems in the bedroom.
Oh, Denise! Is the wallpaper peeling off again? No, no, not that.
Well, you know Dave? Yeah, Dave.
Well, you know Dave's dickie? Yeah, Dave's dickie.
Well, it's broken.
Dave's dickie's broken? That's where he is, really.
He's took it to the doctors.
Oh, Denise, what's happened to it? Well don't know how to say it, really well, you know when little David had that bouncy castle and he tried all day to inflate it, but it wouldn't go up? Yeah.
Well, that's what happened to Dave.
Oh, poor Dave's dickie.
You'll have to get it sorted, what with Christmas coming on.
Yeah.
I had to talk him into going to the doctors, he's really embarrassed about it.
Oh, was he? Yeah, he didn't want to show it to the doctor so he took a photo of it on his mobile phone, but that's caused upset.
Why? Well, he thought he'd sent his mam a photo of the kids.
Oh, no, Denise! Poor Jocelyn, having Dave's dickie in her inbox.
I know.
I wish your dad's dickie was broken.
He can be a real nuisance with his.
Yeah.
Are you sure Dave hasn't been overworking it? No.
Well, not that I know of.
And he hasn't trapped it in the George Foreman grill again? No.
You don't think it's something psychological, do you? What, with Dave? No.
Do you know what? Your dad may have some advice on this.
Don't tell me dad! No, no, Denise.
Your dad's very fond of David, I know he can take the mickey, but he can be very sensitive, your father, when he needs to be.
Do you think so? Yeah.
All right.
I'll finish the brew.
Yeah.
Jim! Grow up! I don't need a present this year, that's my present! Wait till the lads in The Feathers hear about this! Dad! Jim, enough! I told Denise out there that you would handle Dave's dickie sensitively.
Oh, Jim! This is serious, this is! He's not at a conference.
He's taken it to the doctors.
Has he tried bathing it in milk? In milk?! Bloody hell, Barb! It's not smoked haddock! I hope he hasn't worn it out.
They don't have a very long shelf life, these things, you know.
It hasn't got a best before date stamped on the end of it, has it, Denise? Aw, I could hear him upstairs last night, trying to start it up while Songs of Praise was on.
What were they singing? Stand up, stand up For Jesus! That'll be Dave.
Get that, will you, Barb? That'll be Mr Softy! Jim! Dad! I told him I wouldn't tell anyone! Jim! You, zip it! All right, all right! Hiya, Dave.
Hiya, Barbara.
You all right? Yeah.
Hiya, Jim.
Hiya, Dave! Hiya, Denise.
Hiya, Dave.
Dave, FLOP yourself down there.
How did the conference go, Dave? Oh, all right, yeah.
What was it about, Dave? Just the usual conference stuff, you know.
Just the usual, eh? I tell you what, I'll bet you were bored STIFF, weren't you? I was, yeah.
The main thing is, Dave, always keep your pecker up.
Mmmm.
Do you need a cushion or anything, Dave? I'm all right, thanks, Barbara.
Do you fancy a brew, Dave? Ooh, yes, please.
I'll put the kettle on.
Jim! Oh, hey, Dave? Did anything POP UP at the conference? No, not really.
Jim, whose is this fiver on the table? Fiver? Hang on, Barb.
I think that might be mine.
Where is it? There isn't a fiver.
They need their privacy.
They don't need you listening in! How did you get on at the doctors, Dave? Oh, he says he sees this problem a lot in the North West.
Does he? Yeah, he's told me to keep my eye on it.
Oh.
He said it might be stress-related.
What are you stressed about? It's probably the conference.
We made that up.
Oh, yeah.
We did, yeah.
Dave? Dave? Would you like a nice cup of tea, or would you like a coffee? Or maybe you prefer something a little bit stiffer? A cup of tea, please, Jim.
Tell you what, though, Denise.
I'm glad your dad doesn't know about it.
If he knew, he wouldn't HALF take the Mickey.
10, 20, 30, 40 50, 60 70, 80, 90, 100! All right, love? Yeah.
I think I've gone over the top with presents this year.
Then again, if you can't spoil your family at Christmas, when can you? Two hours in Poundland, I was.
I think I've got it all now, though.
Look at these four, Barb! All that's missing's a bloody cauldron! Hey, you know who was in there? Who? Dandruff Derek.
Who? Dandruff Derek, you know, he's got a moustache just there.
Where else would you have a moustache, Barb? Oh, he was looking at the head and shoulders.
I usually feel sorry for him with all that dandruff but it does look nice at Christmas.
You know, it's like the first drops of snow.
You ought to put him in one of those globes that you shake up and put on the bloody mantelpiece.
Oh, eh - you've missed HER while you've been out.
Who? Her who's moved in next door, bloody cadging Carol.
Oh, what did she want this time? A toilet roll! Toilet roll? Aye! A full bloody one and all, I gave her 'alf a one and said, "Use both bloody sides.
" Jim! Well, we'll never get it back! Well, we don't want it back, do we, if they've wiped their bottoms on it.
Do you know what, Barb, sometimes I give up on you.
Oh I feel dead sorry for her with all them kids to look after.
Yeah, and all with different fathers, eh? Jim, you don't know that.
I don't know that? One's English, one's Chinese and one's Indian.
It's like the bloody Olympic Village next door.
Oh, hiya, Joe.
Hi, Barbara.
You all right, J? Ah, you know, I'm not bad.
Any news on Dave's dicky? No.
Oh, I've got a get well card for it, from Cheryl.
Oh, no.
You've got to keep it to yourself, Joe.
He's trying to keep it private.
Aye, that's what I was telling them all in The Fellas last night.
Yeah.
They were very sensitive about it in the hairdresser's.
Sensitive, my arse.
Dave's the only one who won't talk about it! I had them laughing their bloody heads off in the newsagents this morning.
Found your ring yet, Barbara? No.
Checked your finger? Yeah.
I was telling Barbara SHE was round before on the borrow again.
Bloody cadging Carol.
Oh, she came round to my house to borrow my drill.
I must have lent it to somebody, but I can't remember who.
See, that's the trouble, Joe.
People have got no respect for other people's bloody property these days.
I think I No, Barbara, no respect at all.
Oh, Joe, how's your Cheryl's new job going at the hospice? Oh, she loves it, yeah.
Yeah.
Ah.
She's been helping with all the Christmas dinners all week.
Oh, ain't she good? Because a lot of them can't finish a big meal.
Aw.
Aye, she's put on a stone and a half.
Oh.
I don't see much of her nowadays.
She's saved up and bought herself a fridge freezer for her bedroom.
Cheryl? Has she? She's 36 now.
You know, she wants a bit of independence.
Of course she does.
Anyway, I've got something to announce.
Oh, what is it, Joe? My girlfriend.
Ah! Have you got a girlfriend? No, but I put in for one.
How do you mean, Joe? Well, I've put an advert in the paper in the lonely hearts section.
I'm going to audition them all and then pick the best one.
Bloody hell, Joe! It's not the X Factor! How many do you think are going to turn up? Eh, we won't have to rope off the street, will we? What does it say in your ad, Joe? Well, I'll go and get it, shall I? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He's going bloody worse, he'll be round the bloody twist.
Oh, don't say that, Jim.
We've got One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest over on that side, the bloody Borrowers on that bloody side.
And don't go blurting out about that drill, will you, Barb? Well, you never use it.
You wouldn't even lend it to cadging Carol the other day.
Because I'd never have got the bugger back if I had, would I? What about Joe with the lonely hearts? Aw.
He's quite a catch, Joe.
Quite a catch?! He sits watching Police, Camera, Action! With his arm around his bloody dead wife in an urn.
He's got a 36-year-old daughter upstairs in the bedroom with her head stuck in the bloody fridge freezer.
You think he's quite a catch? Look out, here he is.
He's back.
Hi, Barbara.
Hi, Joe.
All right, Joe? All right, Jim? Are you going to read it us? What? Your advert in the paper? Oh! Aye! Aye.
Right.
I've put the heading, "Vacant Lady Wanted.
" "Vacant lady required for mature widow.
" Oh, that sounds good.
"Interests - Police, Camera, Action!, Embarrassing Bodies, and Eggheads.
"In good health, apart from the occasional irritable bowel.
" Why don't you just send a stool sample and be done with it? Jim.
"And slight psoriasis.
" In brackets, "one elbow only.
" Bloody hell, Joe.
'Own "ar, "tax up to date, slight crack in wing mirror.
" Is this going in the Evening News or in the bloody Auto Trader? "Looking for fun, friendship and, hopefully, "occasional intimate encounters.
"To be agreed upon.
" Agreed upon? Bloody hell, Joe! I'd never get my leg over if Barbara had to agree to it.
Jim! I think that sounds lovely, Joe.
Oh, thanks, Barbara.
Right, I'd better be off.
I said I'd defrost our Cheryl's fridge freezer this afternoon.
Bye, Barbara.
Bye, Joe.
See you, Jim.
Tara, Joe.
Oh, Joe, let me know if you want me to send Barbara round to, er, man the phone lines.
What's he like? What's he like? WE know what he's like.
It's the poor vacant lady I feel sorry for.
All she's got to look forward to is one cracked wing mirror and one cracked pot.
How's your mum's dog, Dave? Is it still gay? Yeah.
Aw.
Will it still only eat quiche? Yeah.
'By revealing ambitious plans and a flourishing revenue stream' I love Dragons' Den, me.
Yeah.
What do you think the best invention that's ever been is? The telly! Yeah.
I think it's the corned beef key because until they invented that, how would anybody know what corned beef tasted like? Oh, Dave, yeah, I agree.
I bet the sales of corned beef went through the roof when they invented that.
Oh, yeah.
What would you have invented, Mam? Oh, erm the George Foreman Grill.
Oh! George Foreman invented that, Barbara.
There's a clue there in the name.
Why don't you buggers all go on Dragons' Den and take the wheel with you? Oh, Jim, no wonder nothing ever gets invented in this house.
I bet Isaac Newtown had the same problem when he invented that, erm that gravity thingy.
Keep didn't invent gravity! Well, who did? No-one! It was always there, wasn't it? He just bloody spotted it when the apple fell from the tree.
Well, how did the apples fall from the tree before gravity, then, know-all? I give up with you buggers.
I give up with you, Jim.
Oh.
Dave's got a great invention, haven't you, Dave? Oh, have you, Dave? Yeah.
What is it? Unlosable keys.
'The key's that you can never lose.
' Oh, Dave.
I bet that'll take off.
People are always losing their keys.
How does that work, Dave? I don't know.
That bit's up in the air at the moment.
That's why I have to get the Dragons involved.
Hopefully, they'll come up with that bit.
He's thought it all through, haven't you, Dave? Oh, yeah.
And we're looking for £100,000 investment for 20% stake in my company.
Oh, yeah.
He can't fail.
I'd be quite happy with 80% share of the unlosable key market.
Then, after a couple of years, we'd be looking to move into other losable areas, you know, like jewellery, credit cards, odd socks.
The list of things you can lose is endless.
You want to add marbles to that list, Dave, because you've definitely lost yours! Oh, ignore him, Dave.
I think it's a good idea.
I wish you'd set it up before I lost my ring.
Well, I've got no trouble finding my ring.
And for that reason, I'm 'oot.
' I wish you were.
Are you all right, Mam? No, I'm not.
What's the matter? When I went in the newsagents today, he said, "I bet your having a good Christmas, aren't you? "What with Jim's winnings.
" It only turns out that your dad has won £100 on the scratchcard that I found down the back of the sofa! £100? Yeah.
Dave, it turns out that me dad's won £100 from the scratchcard me mam found down the back of the sofa.
£100 from a scratchcard that your mam found down the back of the sofa? Yeah.
What did you say to the newsagent? Well, I cracked on I knew, but deep down I was fuming.
Selfish and mean, your dad, that's what he is.
Do you know what he did the other day? No.
Well, he answered the door and it was the paperboy with the built-up shoe looking for his Christmas tip.
Your dad told him he didn't live here, he was just visiting, and he shut the door in his face.
He didn't, did he? The lad shouted back through the letterbox, "Well, you must visit a lot because you said the same thing last year, you'd tightfisted old fart!" Well, he's right as well.
Yeah.
All he does is sit moaning all day at the telly and knocking your nana with his nuts.
Well, haven't you tackled him about this money, Mam? I'm waiting to see if HE tells ME.
Oh, I don't know why I'm so upset about it.
He's done this sort of thing all his life.
Yeah.
You'll have to open that bathroom window if you go up there, Barb.
Them nuts have gone right bloody through me.
Oh.
Oh.
Mm? Eh? I wonder who that can be.
Woo hoo, it's only me! Cadging Carol from next door.
Don't let her in, Barb! Sh, sh! Do you think she's gone? Yeah.
Yeah.
Hiya! You couldn't let us in, could you? I'm freezing my bollocks off out 'ere! Hiya, Barbara.
Hi, Carol, I'm sorry we couldn't hear you when you kept ringing the bell.
Hiya, Denise.
Hiya, Carol.
- All right, Dave, darling? - Hiya, Carol.
Hiya, my Jimbo! Hello there, Carol.
Oh, Dragons' Den.
Where are the kids, Carol? Are they not with you? No, I got shot of the little buggers.
I packed 'em all off to their dads, whether they wanted them or not.
Aw.
So, are you going to be on your own for Christmas? Christmas time is ME time in my house.
What's ME time, Carol? I'm having a proper night in.
I've got a two litre bottle of cider AND I've borrowed a giant Toblerone from Cheryl's fridge freezer.
I'm going to take my control pants off and let the good times roll.
You know how to live it up, don't you, Carol? I certainly do! AND I'm going to borrow the Best Of TOWIE DVD that our Milo borrowed from WH Smiths.
I say borrowed.
He nicked it, really, but that's broken Britain for you, in't it? Yeah.
I am on the borrow myself, actually, Barbara.
Oh, go away! You couldn't lend us some cranberry sauce for me Christmas dinner, could you? Oh, yeah.
You've not got a bit of turkey to go with it, have ya? Can be very moist on its own, cranberry sauce.
I haven't cooked it yet.
Well, just cut us a couple of legs off.
That'll do.
You couldn't chuck us in a couple of wings and all, could you, and a nice bit of breast? Just save us the bloodied Parson's nose, will you, Barb?! A bit of veg wouldn't go amiss if you've got any spare, you know.
Just some spuds and sprouts.
And maybe a parsnip or two.
OK.
Don't worry about the gravy, though, Barbara.
I don't want to put you to any trouble.
Oh, are you sure? Christmas is a right palaver, in't it? All this stuff you have to get in for just one day.
I'll need to go to Aldi again.
I'll need to get to get some more food in for us now.
Here, I'll never eat all of this.
I'll tell you what, it makes much more sense if I come round here.
I don't think I've got enough in, Carol.
Well, do you want to borrow these then, Barbara? Oh, I don't know Are you sure? If I'm coming for Christmas dinner, it's the least I can do.
I won't have another word said.
Aw, thanks, Carol.
You are welcome, Barbara.
'Tis Christmas after all, in't it? Yeah.
Right, well, I'll see you all on Christmas Day, then.
Tara, love.
What the bloody hell did you invite her for Christmas dinner for?! I didn't know I had.
Eh, are these yours? She is a terrible mother, she is, in't she? Yeah.
Mm.
Where your kids, Denise? Oh, Dave.
We forgot to pick them up from school.
Oh, no.
They'll be at the headmaster's house again now, won't they? Yeah.
We'd better go.
See you, Mam.
See you, Denise.
See you, Dad.
Tara, Denise.
See you, Barbara.
Bye, Dave.
See you, Jim.
Tara, Dave.
I've lost me keys.
Is that you, Barbara? Oh! Hello, is that you, Joe? What are you doing down there? I thought my ring might be stuck in the U bend, so Just checking it.
Oh, no, it's not there.
Oh! Oh, look what I've found.
A cotton bud with nana's earwax on it.
Oh.
I wonder which ear it was? Sadly, we'll never know.
Oh, Joe, how are you going on about your vacant ladies? Have you had any replies yet? Oh, aye, I've had a few.
Oh, that's good.
Aye, except I got one from a bloke called Brian.
Oh! Was he a gay? No, no, he just wanted to mend the crack in my wing mirror.
Oh, Joe! Anyway, look, I saw Jim leave, and I thought I'd take the opportunity to have a private word with you.
Oh? Yeah.
I need a bit of advice.
It's a long time since I dated a vacant lady, and I'm a bit rusty.
Oh, right, well.
Ask away, Joe.
Well, I made a checklist.
Would you go through it with me? A checklist? That's good planning, Joe.
Go on.
Outfits.
OK, number one.
Should I wear a cardigan, a casual shirt and tie, or a cardigan, formal shirt and tie, or a cardigan, casual shirt and no tie, or a cardigan, formal shirt and no tie? Does the cardigan have to feature in every outfit, Joe? Oh, hang on a minute.
Let me have a look.
Yes.
Oh, right.
Er, well, I'd go for cardigan, formal shirt and tie.
Oh, right, OK.
Like I've got on now? Yeah.
Right.
I'll just cross the others off, then.
Number two.
Aftershave.
Oh! Old Spice, Brut, or Hai Karate? Why don't you put a bit of all three on, Joe? I'm not sure about that, Barbara.
I don't want them to think a bit of a player.
I don't think they'll think that, Joe.
Do you not? Right, then.
All three it is, then! Nothing wrong with a bit of pizzazz, I suppose! Okey-dokey, number three.
Small present on first greeting.
Oh.
Chocolates, flowers, or a gift token? Oh, I don't think a gift token, Joe.
Oh, that's a shame, because I got one from B&Q for my birthday, and it runs out of the end of this month.
I think a vacant lady would probably prefer flowers to a voucher from B&Q, Joe.
Right.
Flowers it is, then! That's it, that's the checklist over.
Oh, so, Joe, what are you going to do on your first date? Well, I've had a great idea.
And I was hoping you could help me.
Of course I will.
What is it? Well, I was thinking Food's lovely here, isn't it, Doreen? I come here often! Would you like some more bread? No, thank you, Barbara.
Oh.
Well, I'll leave it there, just in case you change your mind.
Oh, serviettes! Oh, Jim's undies! Doreen, I'm so sorry! At least they're clean.
Should have seen them before I washed them.
Skid city! Doreen.
Doreen! Bradley Wiggins! I've recently invested in some stool softener, Sharon.
Two for one from Boots, if you're interested.
No, I'm not.
Do you know Bradley Wiggins? Bradley Wiggins! That's the MOT certificate.
That's the insurance documents.
And I'm taxed up to and including September.
Do you know Bradley Wiggins? No, no.
Mmm! Well, it's not as flaky in the summer, but it itches all year round.
Barbara's mother had psoriasis before she expired.
She spent her last days bedridden, right where we are now.
In fact, where you're sat, that's where her waste baggage was for her urine.
Another glass of wine, Brenda? I don't need a glass of wine.
I need a barrelful to stay here! You're a bloody headcase! I'm off! Is everything all right? No! He's a bloody nutter! A first date at a neighbour's house? He's got chops stuck on his face! He is showing me photos of his dead wife, his MOT certificate and his bloody psoriasis! Well, go on! Bugger off, then! Don't worry, I'm going! Sod off, you desperate old cow! The whole lot of you, if I'm lucky enough! I'll put her on the maybe list, shall I? Have you got a not-a-cat-in-hell's-chance list? At least the ads are working! Working? One of them looked as though she'd ate her last date, one of them had bigger balls than me, and the other one had no teeth! She was half an hour sucking on the bread roll! First time I've seen Barbara liquidise a bloody chop! I'm not doing too well, am I? Oh, let's not give up, Joe.
If anyone deserves a vacant lady, it's you.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
Oh, come on, Joe, lad.
Don't be like that.
Where's the old Dunkirk spirit? I know! We need to raise our game.
We need to change our tactics.
This calls for military precision! We need to bring out the big guns! So, gather round, comrades How do you pronounce your name? Philomena.
How do you pronounce yours? Joe.
Joe.
Oh, it rolls off the tongue! Mmm! Your teeth look very realistic, Philomeno.
Thank you, Joe.
Top and bottom pallet, is it? Yes.
Yeah.
Very realistic.
Hello, Philomena.
Would you like a triangle of bread? Oh, how lovely! I love triangles! I love anything triangular! Aren't Philomena's teeth realistic, Jim? Why don't you pass them around, Joe? We can all have a look! Help yourself to the Reggie Reggie source, Philomena.
Enjoy.
Have you any hobbits, Philomeno? Hobbits? Oh, no, no.
Have you any hobbies, Philomena? Let me have a little think about that.
Hold on.
Hobbies.
No.
What about you, Joe? No.
Oh, we've got so much in common! Yes.
Oh, have you any general chit chat, Philopastry? Well, yes, I did have a little general chit chat, but I used it up on the bus on the way here.
Oh, that's a shame.
I could have joined in.
Oh, what star sign you, Filet-o-fish? I'm a Libra.
A Libra? Well, what a coincidence.
My wife, Mary - she's dead at the moment - she was a Libra.
My late husband was a leprechaun.
A leprechaun? A little fellow with ginger hair? No, sorry.
I meant Capricorn.
He's dead at the moment, too.
He expired very suddenly.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Philadelphia.
And how did he die? He was a scaffolder.
He fell off a roof.
Four storeys up, he was.
Oh, dear me! He was a big fan of alcohol.
So he didn't feel a thing.
He was drunk, thank God.
He was afraid of heights, you see, so he needed a skinful to get up there.
Vernon was his name.
Not Vertigo Vernon, the scaffolder? Yes, that's him! Did you know him? Well, he used to go into the Feathers, didn't he? Only when he was alive.
Would you like something from the cheeseboard, Philomena? We've got Dairylea, Cheestrings, squeezy Primula and a few Kraft cheese slices.
Oh.
Someone's had a nibble of that one, but it'll only be one of us.
Have you got any stilton, Barbara? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Would you like a bite of Dairylea and a smell of Jim's socks? Pop a little Dairylea there.
Thank you very much.
Would you like another glass of Lambrusco to go with your Dairylea, Philomena? Yes, please, Joe.
Well here's to a lovely first date.
The first of many, I hope.
The first of many, I'm sure.
To you.
No.
To you.
Here's to both of us.
They're getting on like a house on fire! Hope it works.
So do I.
It's cost me two dozen bloody chops up to now! Hey, dad, your plan's worked! I love it when a plan comes together! Well done, team! All for one and one for all! Listen, he's singing to her! Save your love, my darling Save your love For summer nights With moon and stars above A serenade I long to sing you The reddest rose I always bring you Save your love for Roma And for me Darling, I will love you endlessly Even though you're far away From me I can't forget the words I told you How it felt to love and hold you Love like ours will last eternally Save your love, my darling, save your love For summer nights With moon and stars above A serenade I long to sing you The reddest rose I'll always bring you Save your love for Roma and for me Save your love, my darling save your love For summer nights With moon and stars above A serenade I long to sing you The reddest rose I'll always bring you Save your love for Roma And for me Hey! Hey! Where are you going? This is not your bloody house! You dirty old sod! Hark the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King! Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled Joyful, all ye nations rise Oh, sorry, mate.
Join the triumph of the skies.
There she is! My little Christmas cracker, that I haven't pulled for a while! Jim! Got a nice little bit of batter for you off my fish.
I'll batter you in a minute! Oh, don't you want it? I've had my tea! And peeled the sprouts and the potatoes for tomorrow, and stuffed the turkey, while you've been out getting drunk! It's the same every Christmas Eve.
You leave me to do everything! Not this year, though, Barbara.
Deedle-ee, deedle-ee.
I've got two lovely Christmas puddings.
And when I told the lads what I was going to do, they all started taking the Mickey out of me.
They said, "Oh, come on, Jimbo lad, you're far too generous," but I said, "Oh, no.
" "Every Christmas my Barbara sorts everything out.
She does everything for everybody.
But this year, I want to make a contribution.
Oh.
So I said, "I will.
" "I will buy a raffle ticket.
" So you won them, then, did you? Yeah, but I won them for you, Barb, didn't I? I thought you were only nipping into the precinct.
Well, I went to the precinct, and I just called in for a quick one on the way home.
A quick one? And you've got this bladdered? I'm not bladdered, Barb.
I'm just a tad bipsy.
Get to bed, Jim.
Ha-ha-ha! I might hold a promise, Barb.
Is little Jim getting his Christmas present early this year, eh? Come on, Barb, you know I've got no problems in the downstairs department! Or, as they call it in the Feathers now, Dave's Droopsies! Hey, Jim.
You know that scratchcard I found down the back of the sofa? You didn't win anything on it, did you? No, not a bloody sausage.
Scratchcard? Be better off scratching my arse! To absent friends! Absent friends! Oh, before I forget, thank you for my Christmas present, Barbara.
Oh, you're welcome, Joe.
That's just what I wanted, a drill.
Very thoughtful.
It's just like my old one.
You've even put my initials on it.
Yeah.
You couldn't lend it me, could you? I don't know about that, Carol.
The last time I led by drill out to someone, I never got it back.
Well said, Joe.
Oh, thank you for my present, too, Barbara.
A four pack of Polos.
It's just what I wanted.
You couldn't lend us a pack, could you? Bloody hell, Carol! And anyway, Bab, what were you buying Polo mints for? They're the same price as other bloody mints, aren't they? Only you're getting less mint for your bloody money! I know.
You're paying for the hole, aren't you? Yeah.
That's daft.
Where else would you pay for the hole? I know, Dave! Jim! I like the hole.
It makes a nice little break from a full mint.
I'd buy a full packet of holes, if I could.
Oh, Philomena, have you met Joe's daughter Cheryl, yet? No, not yet.
I've met her fridge-freezer, though! It's beautiful.
Yeah.
It is, yeah.
She got a boyfriend yet, your Cheryl? No, she's in the process of becoming a lesbian.
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, come on, Joe! A lesbian? Jim! I think she'll make a great lesbian, Cheryl.
Yeah, so do I.
Well, she's taken down all her posters of Philip Schofield and replaced them with Claire Balding.
We haven't got a lesbian on this street.
No.
Oh, we're starting to get a few now in Ireland.
They go on buses, they go to restaurants.
My friend Finola, she saw one lending a book.
Out of the library! We're very forward-thinking in Ireland.
Yeah.
Anyway, now for the main event.
Jim's Christmas puddings! You are in safe hands, folks, because Captain Jim is at the helm! Good old Jimbo! Oh, isn't he marvellous? That's not the word I'd use.
He's acting as if he made those puddings.
He won them in a bloody raffle! Here we go, then.
Cop a load of them little beauties! Does that bring back the old mammaries? Mammary! How old are you, Jim? You're never too old, Bab! I've always been a sucker for mammaries! Hey, you should've seen Beverley Macca in the Feathers last night.
She had her top up, but her boobs were more out than they were in! When she went out for the crisps, you could see the lot! Well, of course, the stampede at the bar.
They ran out of Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar and Smoky Bacon! That Beverley Macca, she's got the best knockers in Manchester, bar none! They've got a wobble all of their own! You know the day that she won that Miss Wet T-shirt contest? That was the best day of my life! Our Beverley Macca has the best knockers in Manchester, Dave.
Dave? Dave? Dave! Denise, Denise.
It's happening! Oh, excuse me, everybody.
Me and Dave have got to go.
I knew you were all there! Congratulations, Dave! Did you all know? Of course we did! Away up! You raise me up So I can stand on mountains You raise me up To walk on stormy seas I knew it would happen.
I lit a candle for it on Thursday.
Ah! Something good always comes up at Christmas, doesn't it? Yeah.
Ey up.
It's gone, again.
Oh, Dave, no! It wasn't that big, anyway.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry.
Oh, never mind, Dave.
It might pop up for New Year.
Yeah.
Bloody hell, Dave, what a bloody let down! If anyone is a let down, it's you! I'll tell you who'd sort that out for you, no problem.
Beverley Macca! Dad! She could get a rise off a bloody corpse, that girl! Jim, will you stop going on about Beverley Macca's boobs in front of Denise? It's very rude! Thank you, mam! They are nice, though, Barbara.
Thank you, Joe.
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, the carving of Jim's Christmas puddings! And the first piece goes to my lovely, lovely wife, Barbara.
Pass that over, Dave.
Tuck in, everyone.
Come on.
Let's all enjoy the highlight of the day.
Oh, the highlight of the day! I've been up this morning since seven o'clock.
I've cleaned the house, I've set the table, I've cooked the dinner, while you have been in bed nursing a bloody hangover! I only had a few drinks, Barb! And where did you get the money from for those few drinks, Jim? I told you, the lads paid for them.
You're a liar, Jim.
I know where you got that money from.
You have had £100 in your back pocket, which you won on a scratchcard and you kept hidden from your own wife! What is it, mam? Is it your ring? No, it's a new one.
Do you like it, Barb? It's beautiful, Jim.
Allow me.
Oh! Ah! Thanks, Jim! Happy Christmas, Barbara.
Happy Christmas, Jim! Happy Christmas, everybody! Happy Christmas!
' Jim! Will you stop knocking Nana with your nuts! Aw! Doesn't it look lovely, the tree, Jim? Yeah.
So glad we left it up from last year.
That was our Denise's little tip, wasn't it? Yeah.
How many times are you going to look in the same bloody place? Well, it's my wedding ring, Jim! I know, but it'll turn up! Oh, Jim, you're going to have to cancel this repeat prescription, this bureau's full of pile cream! Never mind about that, you worry about your ring and I'll worry about mine! Oh, where can it be? I haven't looked down the back of the sofa yet.
Oh, there's loads of stuff down here! Any money down there, it'll be mine, you know, Barb.
Oh, oh, look! Our Anthony's dummy! Oh bless.
Oh, scratchcard that hasn't been scratched.
That's mine, that, Barb.
Oh! Look at that, Jim, an old drill.
Hey! That's Joe's.
Put it back.
I might want to use that one day! It's like the bloody Generation Game down the back of that sofa, Barb! No fondue sets down there, is there? No, it's not here.
Get that, will you, Barb? Yeah.
Oh, Jim! Sorry, Barb.
Aw! Hiya, Mam.
Hiya, Denise.
You all right? Yeah.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Hiya, Dad.
Hiya, Denise, Are you all right? Yeah.
Oh, Denise.
Yeah.
I can't find my wedding ring.
Aw, it'll turn up.
It meant a lot to me that ring, it took me three months to pay it off.
36 weeks at one shilling and sixpence.
Yeah, you had to take a second job on to pay for that, didn't you? Yeah, I was a machinist during the day and then I'd come home, get your dad's tea, put whatever channel he wanted on the telly, and then go out again to the school and clean for three hours.
Yeah, those were the days, eh, Barb? Yeah.
We'd be watching the telly of a night and I'd just look across like that and she'd be fast asleep, the poor oul thing.
So, I'd leave her there sometimes till 10 or even 11 o'clock, but then I'd lean across and I used to whisper, "Come on, Barb.
Come on, Barbara, love.
"You fell asleep in your chair again.
"You know what time it is? It's time.
"It's time for me supper.
Aw! 'Is that your answer? Yeah.
It is the right answer, Judith' Have you had your tea? Yeah.
What did you have? Chops.
Chops, oh, how lovely! Lamb or pork? I don't mean chops, I mean chips.
Little Norma made 'em.
Oh! I got her a little stool, so she can reach the chip pan.
What a good idea! Well, when you've got kids, you've got to think, safety first.
Oh, you have, Denise.
That's why I make 'em wear fluorescent jackets, when I send them to the off-license at night.
Oh yes, safety first.
They're at that dead cheeky stage now.
Keep saying things like, "I hate you" and "I wish I'd never been born!" What are they like? Oh, Denise, where's Dave? Oh, he's not here.
Jim, Dave's not here.
Who? David.
David, Denise's husband.
Oh, Dave, yeah! Where is Dave, Denise? Erm, He's had to go somewhere.
Oh.
You should have said earlier, I could have been missing him.
You know, I thought there was more room on the sofa! Where's he gone? Who? Dave.
Erm He's at a conference.
A conference? Dave? Oh, Denise! You must be so proud! A conference? Dave? He's a bloody removal man! What does he want a conference for? How many are at this conference, Denise? Just Dave.
Oh, just Dave.
Oh, that's nice.
That's not a bloody conference! That's just Dave talking to himself! And where are they having this conference, eh? In his van? Jim, why can't you be happy for Dave's conference? Anyway, that's how conferences start, with one person! Does anyone want a cup of tea? I'm going to put a brew on.
Oh, Jim.
She's not herself.
Something's the matter.
Mam! Where are the mugs? In the top cupboard.
Mam.
Where do you keep the milk? In the fridge.
Mam.
How much milk do you put in the mugs? Oh, I'll go and help her.
'Oh, you're doing well, you've got the mugs out.
'That's good.
' So, THAT'S how much milk you put in.
Oh, right! Are you all right, Denise? Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah.
You know you can tell me anything, don't you? Well, me and Dave have been having problems in the bedroom.
Oh, Denise! Is the wallpaper peeling off again? No, no, not that.
Well, you know Dave? Yeah, Dave.
Well, you know Dave's dickie? Yeah, Dave's dickie.
Well, it's broken.
Dave's dickie's broken? That's where he is, really.
He's took it to the doctors.
Oh, Denise, what's happened to it? Well don't know how to say it, really well, you know when little David had that bouncy castle and he tried all day to inflate it, but it wouldn't go up? Yeah.
Well, that's what happened to Dave.
Oh, poor Dave's dickie.
You'll have to get it sorted, what with Christmas coming on.
Yeah.
I had to talk him into going to the doctors, he's really embarrassed about it.
Oh, was he? Yeah, he didn't want to show it to the doctor so he took a photo of it on his mobile phone, but that's caused upset.
Why? Well, he thought he'd sent his mam a photo of the kids.
Oh, no, Denise! Poor Jocelyn, having Dave's dickie in her inbox.
I know.
I wish your dad's dickie was broken.
He can be a real nuisance with his.
Yeah.
Are you sure Dave hasn't been overworking it? No.
Well, not that I know of.
And he hasn't trapped it in the George Foreman grill again? No.
You don't think it's something psychological, do you? What, with Dave? No.
Do you know what? Your dad may have some advice on this.
Don't tell me dad! No, no, Denise.
Your dad's very fond of David, I know he can take the mickey, but he can be very sensitive, your father, when he needs to be.
Do you think so? Yeah.
All right.
I'll finish the brew.
Yeah.
Jim! Grow up! I don't need a present this year, that's my present! Wait till the lads in The Feathers hear about this! Dad! Jim, enough! I told Denise out there that you would handle Dave's dickie sensitively.
Oh, Jim! This is serious, this is! He's not at a conference.
He's taken it to the doctors.
Has he tried bathing it in milk? In milk?! Bloody hell, Barb! It's not smoked haddock! I hope he hasn't worn it out.
They don't have a very long shelf life, these things, you know.
It hasn't got a best before date stamped on the end of it, has it, Denise? Aw, I could hear him upstairs last night, trying to start it up while Songs of Praise was on.
What were they singing? Stand up, stand up For Jesus! That'll be Dave.
Get that, will you, Barb? That'll be Mr Softy! Jim! Dad! I told him I wouldn't tell anyone! Jim! You, zip it! All right, all right! Hiya, Dave.
Hiya, Barbara.
You all right? Yeah.
Hiya, Jim.
Hiya, Dave! Hiya, Denise.
Hiya, Dave.
Dave, FLOP yourself down there.
How did the conference go, Dave? Oh, all right, yeah.
What was it about, Dave? Just the usual conference stuff, you know.
Just the usual, eh? I tell you what, I'll bet you were bored STIFF, weren't you? I was, yeah.
The main thing is, Dave, always keep your pecker up.
Mmmm.
Do you need a cushion or anything, Dave? I'm all right, thanks, Barbara.
Do you fancy a brew, Dave? Ooh, yes, please.
I'll put the kettle on.
Jim! Oh, hey, Dave? Did anything POP UP at the conference? No, not really.
Jim, whose is this fiver on the table? Fiver? Hang on, Barb.
I think that might be mine.
Where is it? There isn't a fiver.
They need their privacy.
They don't need you listening in! How did you get on at the doctors, Dave? Oh, he says he sees this problem a lot in the North West.
Does he? Yeah, he's told me to keep my eye on it.
Oh.
He said it might be stress-related.
What are you stressed about? It's probably the conference.
We made that up.
Oh, yeah.
We did, yeah.
Dave? Dave? Would you like a nice cup of tea, or would you like a coffee? Or maybe you prefer something a little bit stiffer? A cup of tea, please, Jim.
Tell you what, though, Denise.
I'm glad your dad doesn't know about it.
If he knew, he wouldn't HALF take the Mickey.
10, 20, 30, 40 50, 60 70, 80, 90, 100! All right, love? Yeah.
I think I've gone over the top with presents this year.
Then again, if you can't spoil your family at Christmas, when can you? Two hours in Poundland, I was.
I think I've got it all now, though.
Look at these four, Barb! All that's missing's a bloody cauldron! Hey, you know who was in there? Who? Dandruff Derek.
Who? Dandruff Derek, you know, he's got a moustache just there.
Where else would you have a moustache, Barb? Oh, he was looking at the head and shoulders.
I usually feel sorry for him with all that dandruff but it does look nice at Christmas.
You know, it's like the first drops of snow.
You ought to put him in one of those globes that you shake up and put on the bloody mantelpiece.
Oh, eh - you've missed HER while you've been out.
Who? Her who's moved in next door, bloody cadging Carol.
Oh, what did she want this time? A toilet roll! Toilet roll? Aye! A full bloody one and all, I gave her 'alf a one and said, "Use both bloody sides.
" Jim! Well, we'll never get it back! Well, we don't want it back, do we, if they've wiped their bottoms on it.
Do you know what, Barb, sometimes I give up on you.
Oh I feel dead sorry for her with all them kids to look after.
Yeah, and all with different fathers, eh? Jim, you don't know that.
I don't know that? One's English, one's Chinese and one's Indian.
It's like the bloody Olympic Village next door.
Oh, hiya, Joe.
Hi, Barbara.
You all right, J? Ah, you know, I'm not bad.
Any news on Dave's dicky? No.
Oh, I've got a get well card for it, from Cheryl.
Oh, no.
You've got to keep it to yourself, Joe.
He's trying to keep it private.
Aye, that's what I was telling them all in The Fellas last night.
Yeah.
They were very sensitive about it in the hairdresser's.
Sensitive, my arse.
Dave's the only one who won't talk about it! I had them laughing their bloody heads off in the newsagents this morning.
Found your ring yet, Barbara? No.
Checked your finger? Yeah.
I was telling Barbara SHE was round before on the borrow again.
Bloody cadging Carol.
Oh, she came round to my house to borrow my drill.
I must have lent it to somebody, but I can't remember who.
See, that's the trouble, Joe.
People have got no respect for other people's bloody property these days.
I think I No, Barbara, no respect at all.
Oh, Joe, how's your Cheryl's new job going at the hospice? Oh, she loves it, yeah.
Yeah.
Ah.
She's been helping with all the Christmas dinners all week.
Oh, ain't she good? Because a lot of them can't finish a big meal.
Aw.
Aye, she's put on a stone and a half.
Oh.
I don't see much of her nowadays.
She's saved up and bought herself a fridge freezer for her bedroom.
Cheryl? Has she? She's 36 now.
You know, she wants a bit of independence.
Of course she does.
Anyway, I've got something to announce.
Oh, what is it, Joe? My girlfriend.
Ah! Have you got a girlfriend? No, but I put in for one.
How do you mean, Joe? Well, I've put an advert in the paper in the lonely hearts section.
I'm going to audition them all and then pick the best one.
Bloody hell, Joe! It's not the X Factor! How many do you think are going to turn up? Eh, we won't have to rope off the street, will we? What does it say in your ad, Joe? Well, I'll go and get it, shall I? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He's going bloody worse, he'll be round the bloody twist.
Oh, don't say that, Jim.
We've got One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest over on that side, the bloody Borrowers on that bloody side.
And don't go blurting out about that drill, will you, Barb? Well, you never use it.
You wouldn't even lend it to cadging Carol the other day.
Because I'd never have got the bugger back if I had, would I? What about Joe with the lonely hearts? Aw.
He's quite a catch, Joe.
Quite a catch?! He sits watching Police, Camera, Action! With his arm around his bloody dead wife in an urn.
He's got a 36-year-old daughter upstairs in the bedroom with her head stuck in the bloody fridge freezer.
You think he's quite a catch? Look out, here he is.
He's back.
Hi, Barbara.
Hi, Joe.
All right, Joe? All right, Jim? Are you going to read it us? What? Your advert in the paper? Oh! Aye! Aye.
Right.
I've put the heading, "Vacant Lady Wanted.
" "Vacant lady required for mature widow.
" Oh, that sounds good.
"Interests - Police, Camera, Action!, Embarrassing Bodies, and Eggheads.
"In good health, apart from the occasional irritable bowel.
" Why don't you just send a stool sample and be done with it? Jim.
"And slight psoriasis.
" In brackets, "one elbow only.
" Bloody hell, Joe.
'Own "ar, "tax up to date, slight crack in wing mirror.
" Is this going in the Evening News or in the bloody Auto Trader? "Looking for fun, friendship and, hopefully, "occasional intimate encounters.
"To be agreed upon.
" Agreed upon? Bloody hell, Joe! I'd never get my leg over if Barbara had to agree to it.
Jim! I think that sounds lovely, Joe.
Oh, thanks, Barbara.
Right, I'd better be off.
I said I'd defrost our Cheryl's fridge freezer this afternoon.
Bye, Barbara.
Bye, Joe.
See you, Jim.
Tara, Joe.
Oh, Joe, let me know if you want me to send Barbara round to, er, man the phone lines.
What's he like? What's he like? WE know what he's like.
It's the poor vacant lady I feel sorry for.
All she's got to look forward to is one cracked wing mirror and one cracked pot.
How's your mum's dog, Dave? Is it still gay? Yeah.
Aw.
Will it still only eat quiche? Yeah.
'By revealing ambitious plans and a flourishing revenue stream' I love Dragons' Den, me.
Yeah.
What do you think the best invention that's ever been is? The telly! Yeah.
I think it's the corned beef key because until they invented that, how would anybody know what corned beef tasted like? Oh, Dave, yeah, I agree.
I bet the sales of corned beef went through the roof when they invented that.
Oh, yeah.
What would you have invented, Mam? Oh, erm the George Foreman Grill.
Oh! George Foreman invented that, Barbara.
There's a clue there in the name.
Why don't you buggers all go on Dragons' Den and take the wheel with you? Oh, Jim, no wonder nothing ever gets invented in this house.
I bet Isaac Newtown had the same problem when he invented that, erm that gravity thingy.
Keep didn't invent gravity! Well, who did? No-one! It was always there, wasn't it? He just bloody spotted it when the apple fell from the tree.
Well, how did the apples fall from the tree before gravity, then, know-all? I give up with you buggers.
I give up with you, Jim.
Oh.
Dave's got a great invention, haven't you, Dave? Oh, have you, Dave? Yeah.
What is it? Unlosable keys.
'The key's that you can never lose.
' Oh, Dave.
I bet that'll take off.
People are always losing their keys.
How does that work, Dave? I don't know.
That bit's up in the air at the moment.
That's why I have to get the Dragons involved.
Hopefully, they'll come up with that bit.
He's thought it all through, haven't you, Dave? Oh, yeah.
And we're looking for £100,000 investment for 20% stake in my company.
Oh, yeah.
He can't fail.
I'd be quite happy with 80% share of the unlosable key market.
Then, after a couple of years, we'd be looking to move into other losable areas, you know, like jewellery, credit cards, odd socks.
The list of things you can lose is endless.
You want to add marbles to that list, Dave, because you've definitely lost yours! Oh, ignore him, Dave.
I think it's a good idea.
I wish you'd set it up before I lost my ring.
Well, I've got no trouble finding my ring.
And for that reason, I'm 'oot.
' I wish you were.
Are you all right, Mam? No, I'm not.
What's the matter? When I went in the newsagents today, he said, "I bet your having a good Christmas, aren't you? "What with Jim's winnings.
" It only turns out that your dad has won £100 on the scratchcard that I found down the back of the sofa! £100? Yeah.
Dave, it turns out that me dad's won £100 from the scratchcard me mam found down the back of the sofa.
£100 from a scratchcard that your mam found down the back of the sofa? Yeah.
What did you say to the newsagent? Well, I cracked on I knew, but deep down I was fuming.
Selfish and mean, your dad, that's what he is.
Do you know what he did the other day? No.
Well, he answered the door and it was the paperboy with the built-up shoe looking for his Christmas tip.
Your dad told him he didn't live here, he was just visiting, and he shut the door in his face.
He didn't, did he? The lad shouted back through the letterbox, "Well, you must visit a lot because you said the same thing last year, you'd tightfisted old fart!" Well, he's right as well.
Yeah.
All he does is sit moaning all day at the telly and knocking your nana with his nuts.
Well, haven't you tackled him about this money, Mam? I'm waiting to see if HE tells ME.
Oh, I don't know why I'm so upset about it.
He's done this sort of thing all his life.
Yeah.
You'll have to open that bathroom window if you go up there, Barb.
Them nuts have gone right bloody through me.
Oh.
Oh.
Mm? Eh? I wonder who that can be.
Woo hoo, it's only me! Cadging Carol from next door.
Don't let her in, Barb! Sh, sh! Do you think she's gone? Yeah.
Yeah.
Hiya! You couldn't let us in, could you? I'm freezing my bollocks off out 'ere! Hiya, Barbara.
Hi, Carol, I'm sorry we couldn't hear you when you kept ringing the bell.
Hiya, Denise.
Hiya, Carol.
- All right, Dave, darling? - Hiya, Carol.
Hiya, my Jimbo! Hello there, Carol.
Oh, Dragons' Den.
Where are the kids, Carol? Are they not with you? No, I got shot of the little buggers.
I packed 'em all off to their dads, whether they wanted them or not.
Aw.
So, are you going to be on your own for Christmas? Christmas time is ME time in my house.
What's ME time, Carol? I'm having a proper night in.
I've got a two litre bottle of cider AND I've borrowed a giant Toblerone from Cheryl's fridge freezer.
I'm going to take my control pants off and let the good times roll.
You know how to live it up, don't you, Carol? I certainly do! AND I'm going to borrow the Best Of TOWIE DVD that our Milo borrowed from WH Smiths.
I say borrowed.
He nicked it, really, but that's broken Britain for you, in't it? Yeah.
I am on the borrow myself, actually, Barbara.
Oh, go away! You couldn't lend us some cranberry sauce for me Christmas dinner, could you? Oh, yeah.
You've not got a bit of turkey to go with it, have ya? Can be very moist on its own, cranberry sauce.
I haven't cooked it yet.
Well, just cut us a couple of legs off.
That'll do.
You couldn't chuck us in a couple of wings and all, could you, and a nice bit of breast? Just save us the bloodied Parson's nose, will you, Barb?! A bit of veg wouldn't go amiss if you've got any spare, you know.
Just some spuds and sprouts.
And maybe a parsnip or two.
OK.
Don't worry about the gravy, though, Barbara.
I don't want to put you to any trouble.
Oh, are you sure? Christmas is a right palaver, in't it? All this stuff you have to get in for just one day.
I'll need to go to Aldi again.
I'll need to get to get some more food in for us now.
Here, I'll never eat all of this.
I'll tell you what, it makes much more sense if I come round here.
I don't think I've got enough in, Carol.
Well, do you want to borrow these then, Barbara? Oh, I don't know Are you sure? If I'm coming for Christmas dinner, it's the least I can do.
I won't have another word said.
Aw, thanks, Carol.
You are welcome, Barbara.
'Tis Christmas after all, in't it? Yeah.
Right, well, I'll see you all on Christmas Day, then.
Tara, love.
What the bloody hell did you invite her for Christmas dinner for?! I didn't know I had.
Eh, are these yours? She is a terrible mother, she is, in't she? Yeah.
Mm.
Where your kids, Denise? Oh, Dave.
We forgot to pick them up from school.
Oh, no.
They'll be at the headmaster's house again now, won't they? Yeah.
We'd better go.
See you, Mam.
See you, Denise.
See you, Dad.
Tara, Denise.
See you, Barbara.
Bye, Dave.
See you, Jim.
Tara, Dave.
I've lost me keys.
Is that you, Barbara? Oh! Hello, is that you, Joe? What are you doing down there? I thought my ring might be stuck in the U bend, so Just checking it.
Oh, no, it's not there.
Oh! Oh, look what I've found.
A cotton bud with nana's earwax on it.
Oh.
I wonder which ear it was? Sadly, we'll never know.
Oh, Joe, how are you going on about your vacant ladies? Have you had any replies yet? Oh, aye, I've had a few.
Oh, that's good.
Aye, except I got one from a bloke called Brian.
Oh! Was he a gay? No, no, he just wanted to mend the crack in my wing mirror.
Oh, Joe! Anyway, look, I saw Jim leave, and I thought I'd take the opportunity to have a private word with you.
Oh? Yeah.
I need a bit of advice.
It's a long time since I dated a vacant lady, and I'm a bit rusty.
Oh, right, well.
Ask away, Joe.
Well, I made a checklist.
Would you go through it with me? A checklist? That's good planning, Joe.
Go on.
Outfits.
OK, number one.
Should I wear a cardigan, a casual shirt and tie, or a cardigan, formal shirt and tie, or a cardigan, casual shirt and no tie, or a cardigan, formal shirt and no tie? Does the cardigan have to feature in every outfit, Joe? Oh, hang on a minute.
Let me have a look.
Yes.
Oh, right.
Er, well, I'd go for cardigan, formal shirt and tie.
Oh, right, OK.
Like I've got on now? Yeah.
Right.
I'll just cross the others off, then.
Number two.
Aftershave.
Oh! Old Spice, Brut, or Hai Karate? Why don't you put a bit of all three on, Joe? I'm not sure about that, Barbara.
I don't want them to think a bit of a player.
I don't think they'll think that, Joe.
Do you not? Right, then.
All three it is, then! Nothing wrong with a bit of pizzazz, I suppose! Okey-dokey, number three.
Small present on first greeting.
Oh.
Chocolates, flowers, or a gift token? Oh, I don't think a gift token, Joe.
Oh, that's a shame, because I got one from B&Q for my birthday, and it runs out of the end of this month.
I think a vacant lady would probably prefer flowers to a voucher from B&Q, Joe.
Right.
Flowers it is, then! That's it, that's the checklist over.
Oh, so, Joe, what are you going to do on your first date? Well, I've had a great idea.
And I was hoping you could help me.
Of course I will.
What is it? Well, I was thinking Food's lovely here, isn't it, Doreen? I come here often! Would you like some more bread? No, thank you, Barbara.
Oh.
Well, I'll leave it there, just in case you change your mind.
Oh, serviettes! Oh, Jim's undies! Doreen, I'm so sorry! At least they're clean.
Should have seen them before I washed them.
Skid city! Doreen.
Doreen! Bradley Wiggins! I've recently invested in some stool softener, Sharon.
Two for one from Boots, if you're interested.
No, I'm not.
Do you know Bradley Wiggins? Bradley Wiggins! That's the MOT certificate.
That's the insurance documents.
And I'm taxed up to and including September.
Do you know Bradley Wiggins? No, no.
Mmm! Well, it's not as flaky in the summer, but it itches all year round.
Barbara's mother had psoriasis before she expired.
She spent her last days bedridden, right where we are now.
In fact, where you're sat, that's where her waste baggage was for her urine.
Another glass of wine, Brenda? I don't need a glass of wine.
I need a barrelful to stay here! You're a bloody headcase! I'm off! Is everything all right? No! He's a bloody nutter! A first date at a neighbour's house? He's got chops stuck on his face! He is showing me photos of his dead wife, his MOT certificate and his bloody psoriasis! Well, go on! Bugger off, then! Don't worry, I'm going! Sod off, you desperate old cow! The whole lot of you, if I'm lucky enough! I'll put her on the maybe list, shall I? Have you got a not-a-cat-in-hell's-chance list? At least the ads are working! Working? One of them looked as though she'd ate her last date, one of them had bigger balls than me, and the other one had no teeth! She was half an hour sucking on the bread roll! First time I've seen Barbara liquidise a bloody chop! I'm not doing too well, am I? Oh, let's not give up, Joe.
If anyone deserves a vacant lady, it's you.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
Oh, come on, Joe, lad.
Don't be like that.
Where's the old Dunkirk spirit? I know! We need to raise our game.
We need to change our tactics.
This calls for military precision! We need to bring out the big guns! So, gather round, comrades How do you pronounce your name? Philomena.
How do you pronounce yours? Joe.
Joe.
Oh, it rolls off the tongue! Mmm! Your teeth look very realistic, Philomeno.
Thank you, Joe.
Top and bottom pallet, is it? Yes.
Yeah.
Very realistic.
Hello, Philomena.
Would you like a triangle of bread? Oh, how lovely! I love triangles! I love anything triangular! Aren't Philomena's teeth realistic, Jim? Why don't you pass them around, Joe? We can all have a look! Help yourself to the Reggie Reggie source, Philomena.
Enjoy.
Have you any hobbits, Philomeno? Hobbits? Oh, no, no.
Have you any hobbies, Philomena? Let me have a little think about that.
Hold on.
Hobbies.
No.
What about you, Joe? No.
Oh, we've got so much in common! Yes.
Oh, have you any general chit chat, Philopastry? Well, yes, I did have a little general chit chat, but I used it up on the bus on the way here.
Oh, that's a shame.
I could have joined in.
Oh, what star sign you, Filet-o-fish? I'm a Libra.
A Libra? Well, what a coincidence.
My wife, Mary - she's dead at the moment - she was a Libra.
My late husband was a leprechaun.
A leprechaun? A little fellow with ginger hair? No, sorry.
I meant Capricorn.
He's dead at the moment, too.
He expired very suddenly.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Philadelphia.
And how did he die? He was a scaffolder.
He fell off a roof.
Four storeys up, he was.
Oh, dear me! He was a big fan of alcohol.
So he didn't feel a thing.
He was drunk, thank God.
He was afraid of heights, you see, so he needed a skinful to get up there.
Vernon was his name.
Not Vertigo Vernon, the scaffolder? Yes, that's him! Did you know him? Well, he used to go into the Feathers, didn't he? Only when he was alive.
Would you like something from the cheeseboard, Philomena? We've got Dairylea, Cheestrings, squeezy Primula and a few Kraft cheese slices.
Oh.
Someone's had a nibble of that one, but it'll only be one of us.
Have you got any stilton, Barbara? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Would you like a bite of Dairylea and a smell of Jim's socks? Pop a little Dairylea there.
Thank you very much.
Would you like another glass of Lambrusco to go with your Dairylea, Philomena? Yes, please, Joe.
Well here's to a lovely first date.
The first of many, I hope.
The first of many, I'm sure.
To you.
No.
To you.
Here's to both of us.
They're getting on like a house on fire! Hope it works.
So do I.
It's cost me two dozen bloody chops up to now! Hey, dad, your plan's worked! I love it when a plan comes together! Well done, team! All for one and one for all! Listen, he's singing to her! Save your love, my darling Save your love For summer nights With moon and stars above A serenade I long to sing you The reddest rose I always bring you Save your love for Roma And for me Darling, I will love you endlessly Even though you're far away From me I can't forget the words I told you How it felt to love and hold you Love like ours will last eternally Save your love, my darling, save your love For summer nights With moon and stars above A serenade I long to sing you The reddest rose I'll always bring you Save your love for Roma and for me Save your love, my darling save your love For summer nights With moon and stars above A serenade I long to sing you The reddest rose I'll always bring you Save your love for Roma And for me Hey! Hey! Where are you going? This is not your bloody house! You dirty old sod! Hark the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King! Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled Joyful, all ye nations rise Oh, sorry, mate.
Join the triumph of the skies.
There she is! My little Christmas cracker, that I haven't pulled for a while! Jim! Got a nice little bit of batter for you off my fish.
I'll batter you in a minute! Oh, don't you want it? I've had my tea! And peeled the sprouts and the potatoes for tomorrow, and stuffed the turkey, while you've been out getting drunk! It's the same every Christmas Eve.
You leave me to do everything! Not this year, though, Barbara.
Deedle-ee, deedle-ee.
I've got two lovely Christmas puddings.
And when I told the lads what I was going to do, they all started taking the Mickey out of me.
They said, "Oh, come on, Jimbo lad, you're far too generous," but I said, "Oh, no.
" "Every Christmas my Barbara sorts everything out.
She does everything for everybody.
But this year, I want to make a contribution.
Oh.
So I said, "I will.
" "I will buy a raffle ticket.
" So you won them, then, did you? Yeah, but I won them for you, Barb, didn't I? I thought you were only nipping into the precinct.
Well, I went to the precinct, and I just called in for a quick one on the way home.
A quick one? And you've got this bladdered? I'm not bladdered, Barb.
I'm just a tad bipsy.
Get to bed, Jim.
Ha-ha-ha! I might hold a promise, Barb.
Is little Jim getting his Christmas present early this year, eh? Come on, Barb, you know I've got no problems in the downstairs department! Or, as they call it in the Feathers now, Dave's Droopsies! Hey, Jim.
You know that scratchcard I found down the back of the sofa? You didn't win anything on it, did you? No, not a bloody sausage.
Scratchcard? Be better off scratching my arse! To absent friends! Absent friends! Oh, before I forget, thank you for my Christmas present, Barbara.
Oh, you're welcome, Joe.
That's just what I wanted, a drill.
Very thoughtful.
It's just like my old one.
You've even put my initials on it.
Yeah.
You couldn't lend it me, could you? I don't know about that, Carol.
The last time I led by drill out to someone, I never got it back.
Well said, Joe.
Oh, thank you for my present, too, Barbara.
A four pack of Polos.
It's just what I wanted.
You couldn't lend us a pack, could you? Bloody hell, Carol! And anyway, Bab, what were you buying Polo mints for? They're the same price as other bloody mints, aren't they? Only you're getting less mint for your bloody money! I know.
You're paying for the hole, aren't you? Yeah.
That's daft.
Where else would you pay for the hole? I know, Dave! Jim! I like the hole.
It makes a nice little break from a full mint.
I'd buy a full packet of holes, if I could.
Oh, Philomena, have you met Joe's daughter Cheryl, yet? No, not yet.
I've met her fridge-freezer, though! It's beautiful.
Yeah.
It is, yeah.
She got a boyfriend yet, your Cheryl? No, she's in the process of becoming a lesbian.
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, come on, Joe! A lesbian? Jim! I think she'll make a great lesbian, Cheryl.
Yeah, so do I.
Well, she's taken down all her posters of Philip Schofield and replaced them with Claire Balding.
We haven't got a lesbian on this street.
No.
Oh, we're starting to get a few now in Ireland.
They go on buses, they go to restaurants.
My friend Finola, she saw one lending a book.
Out of the library! We're very forward-thinking in Ireland.
Yeah.
Anyway, now for the main event.
Jim's Christmas puddings! You are in safe hands, folks, because Captain Jim is at the helm! Good old Jimbo! Oh, isn't he marvellous? That's not the word I'd use.
He's acting as if he made those puddings.
He won them in a bloody raffle! Here we go, then.
Cop a load of them little beauties! Does that bring back the old mammaries? Mammary! How old are you, Jim? You're never too old, Bab! I've always been a sucker for mammaries! Hey, you should've seen Beverley Macca in the Feathers last night.
She had her top up, but her boobs were more out than they were in! When she went out for the crisps, you could see the lot! Well, of course, the stampede at the bar.
They ran out of Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar and Smoky Bacon! That Beverley Macca, she's got the best knockers in Manchester, bar none! They've got a wobble all of their own! You know the day that she won that Miss Wet T-shirt contest? That was the best day of my life! Our Beverley Macca has the best knockers in Manchester, Dave.
Dave? Dave? Dave! Denise, Denise.
It's happening! Oh, excuse me, everybody.
Me and Dave have got to go.
I knew you were all there! Congratulations, Dave! Did you all know? Of course we did! Away up! You raise me up So I can stand on mountains You raise me up To walk on stormy seas I knew it would happen.
I lit a candle for it on Thursday.
Ah! Something good always comes up at Christmas, doesn't it? Yeah.
Ey up.
It's gone, again.
Oh, Dave, no! It wasn't that big, anyway.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry.
Oh, never mind, Dave.
It might pop up for New Year.
Yeah.
Bloody hell, Dave, what a bloody let down! If anyone is a let down, it's you! I'll tell you who'd sort that out for you, no problem.
Beverley Macca! Dad! She could get a rise off a bloody corpse, that girl! Jim, will you stop going on about Beverley Macca's boobs in front of Denise? It's very rude! Thank you, mam! They are nice, though, Barbara.
Thank you, Joe.
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, the carving of Jim's Christmas puddings! And the first piece goes to my lovely, lovely wife, Barbara.
Pass that over, Dave.
Tuck in, everyone.
Come on.
Let's all enjoy the highlight of the day.
Oh, the highlight of the day! I've been up this morning since seven o'clock.
I've cleaned the house, I've set the table, I've cooked the dinner, while you have been in bed nursing a bloody hangover! I only had a few drinks, Barb! And where did you get the money from for those few drinks, Jim? I told you, the lads paid for them.
You're a liar, Jim.
I know where you got that money from.
You have had £100 in your back pocket, which you won on a scratchcard and you kept hidden from your own wife! What is it, mam? Is it your ring? No, it's a new one.
Do you like it, Barb? It's beautiful, Jim.
Allow me.
Oh! Ah! Thanks, Jim! Happy Christmas, Barbara.
Happy Christmas, Jim! Happy Christmas, everybody! Happy Christmas!