Harley Quinn (2019) s04e07 Episode Script

1
You are one sexy muchacho.
Some people call you ♪
- Gordon!
- [SCREAMS]
- I need your help.
- I hit a blood vessel.
[GRUNTS] Listen, I was here last
night for the Nightwing's Dead party,
and I saw another Harley.
I gotta know if I'm
losing my fucking mind.
So, can you please check
the security cameras now?
You know, I thought I
saw my doppelganger once,
but it was just a plate of carne
asada and nachos atop a trash can.
- Who the hell is this?
- Get ready for some cuteness.
[CHUCKLING ON VIDEO] Okay?
Give Daddy his gun back now.
Come on.
Hey! This is my
- You find what you need?
- Hey, where is the rest of the footage?
I got some bathroom
stuff, some make-out stuff.
The rest, I kind of taped over.
So fucking worthless! [GRUNTS]
When I'm looking for something
I need to know what's happening to me.
Gordon, do I seem insane to you?
Um No. You seem good.
[GRUNTS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[POISON IVY] Obviously, guys,
I've been owning the game, lately.
Fucking owning it, and all
the haters along the way.
But we don't want to have owned it.
We want to always be, present
tense, owning it. Right?
ABOI. Always be owning it.
No, no, no. That sounds
like BO in the middle.
Not everything needs to be a thing.
Anyway, the Legion of
Super-Heroes' time-sphere
is being moved to the
Smithsonian at 3:00 p.m.
And we are gonna hijack it.
Sick! A time-sphere.
I'm gonna visit past atrocities
and learn how to do 'em better.
I'd love to go back
and tell my younger self
that snake-eye contacts are
more weird than intimidating.
I can go back in time and do extra work
without missing any work.
Okay, guys, we're not going to
actually use the time-sphere.
- [ALL SIGH]
- I just want it
'cause it's like gonna
look really cute on my wall.
Total power move.
Everyone, shut up! I have news.
I'm starving.
What are we doing for lunch?
Volcana, don't you dare say
you're "fine with anything" again.
I'd rather have a bad suggestion
like all the ones Tefe gives.
- [BOTH EXCLAIMING] Hey!
- Okay, screw you. I'm ordering gyros.
Oh, and they moved up the time-sphere
transfer to, like, right now.
Oh, shit. We gotta go.
Wait. I'm not paying
the delivery fee myself.
Batgirl, I need to have a
very one-sided conversation
about my mental state. So, could you
- [SCREAMING] Hello!
- Sorry, what?
I can't hear anything
with my headphones on.
They're for busy girls
in loud places. See?
So, um, I just wanna,
like, talk about last night.
Weird. You didn't bring
this up two hours ago
when you brought me
half an egg sandwich.
I did? I don't remember doing that
or eating half of an egg sandwich.
[SCREAMING] Oh, my God.
I'm really losing it?
Okay. Well, there's
nothing to talk about.
I had a nice cold shower,
and I'm totally good now.
Okay. Well, cool. But I am
not totally good. I'm more
I don't think Joker murdered Nightwing.
- What?
- It doesn't add up.
If Joker really did
it, why would he wait
an entire day to tell everyone?
Oh, my God. You're right. He
is the worst at keeping secrets.
I mean, he always tells the kids
where the afikomen
is hidden at Passover.
We gotta prove Joker's lying
or no one will believe us
when we find the actual murderer.
- Whoa! You look like do-do.
- Right!
That's, kind of, what I was
hoping to talk to you about.
Okay, sorry. But I can't be
the friend you need right now.
I owe it to Nightwing
to find the real killer.
Can't you talk to Ivy?
I'm trying to respect her boundaries
and not to bother her with this stuff.
Because, you know, she's
been so busy with
Awesome. You're the best. Thank you.
Please close the door.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
Good to have you back in the poker game.
An evil game!
Killing Nightwing, ooh, very tight.
Moral politics was fun.
But you can't change
the soul of a villain.
So quotable, you're going
to slay on my podcast.
- [CELL PHONE BUZZES]
- Excuse me. James Corden.
Don't cover the phone. I know Corden.
Oh, you want me to host one of your
little musical-comedy traffic jams?
[CHUCKLING] Co-host. Hmm?
Yeah, sharing isn't really my thing.
Little shit is trying
to leech off my comeback.
God, he's a needy motherfucker.
Oh, it's my deal. Gotta go.
Bye bye. [LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
It's good to be back, boys.
House always wins.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
I knew it!
Way to trust your gut.
Barbara Gordon Junior.
- Hey, babe, um
- Hey.
What the fuck's with the red wig?
Oh, I'm expecting the
IRS sometime this week.
Gotta throw them off their game.
Okay? Whatever. I need to talk to Ivy.
Sorry. She left.
- She had a hard-out at quarter to.
- Quarter to what?
That's privileged information.
- This is important.
- [GROANS SOFTLY]
What about a 4:00 a.m. hallway
walk-and-talk on Tuesday?
Okay. Yeah, sure.
4:00 a.m. is the perfect time
to have a coherent conversation.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, sorry. I just lost that time.
What about 5:00 a.m?
- Just FYI, she'll have a hard-out at 5:15.
- [GRUMBLES]
Stop saying hard-out and tell
me where Ivy is right now!
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMING] Where is she?
[SCOFFS] Really?
I had a UTI at Jazzapajizza.
This is nothing.
[BOMB EXPLODING IN DISTANCE]
[LAUGHING]
[GASPS] Ivy!
Oh, we love a power fem.
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS] Time to go green, bitch.
Fetch, doggy!
[EXCLAIMING SMUGLY] No one gets
in the way of me owning the game.
Hey.
Harley, what are you doing here?
I'm working right now.
I know. Listen. I tried
to make an appointment,
but all you had open was 5:00
in the morning next Tuesday.
So, um
[GRUNTS]
Did Nora say that I
had a hard-out at 5:15?
- Listen, I need to talk to you.
- Harley, come on.
[GROANS SOFTLY] Oh, man.
People don't just show up
at their partner's work like this.
Yeah, Harley.
Imagine if the Supreme Court
justice got Frenched on the bench.
[GRUNTS]
I would not have come if
it wasn't super important.
[GRUNTS] Can we just
talk about this later?
I don't think we can.
Baby, are you trying to stop me
from stealing the time-sphere?
[GRUNTS] Geez! There's a
time-ball on this truck?
Yes, I am a big-deal super villain.
And sometimes I steal
time-spheres. Okay?
ABST. Always be stealing
Enough with the fucking acronyms.
Baby, I'm doing all of this
because I'm building something.
So, when we're, like, 60
years old and still hot,
we can sip wine in our chateau
and have plenty of time to talk.
Fine! If you won't make time for me now,
I will go find 60-year-old
Ivy and talk to her.
[POISON IVY] Wait, what?
[GRUNTS]
Harley, what are you doing?
Fuck! She is in no state to be
messing with the time-space continuum.
- [HARLEY GRUNTING]
- BRB.
Her acronyms are so much cooler.
Hey, baby. Baby, look at me.
You do not know how to
operate a fucking time-sphere.
- It's intuitive.
- What? [SCOFFS]
[BEEPING]
Ugh, drama.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[AUTOMATED VOICE] Mind the gap.
Oh, cake dick.
- Damn it.
- What year did you take us to?
[HARLEY] Hmm? Interesting.
It may not have been as
intuitive as I thought,
which honestly is on the time-sphere.
What? Hey, Harley. Where are you going?
We gotta get back to our time. Okay?
Oh, what? Sorry. Do you have a hard-out?
No, I don't.
I At least I I don't
think so. Let me check.
You know what? There's no service.
Fuckin' A. Argh! We shouldn't be here.
This looks like a goddamn apocalypse.
Well, guess what?
There's an apocalypse
happening in my brain.
The emotional chickens came
home and they are roasting, Ivy.
Hey, shh. Let's not bring
out whatever cursed beings
Cluck-cluck, Ivy. The
chickens are fucking
[DRONES WHIRRING]
Harley, get back in the time-sphere.
[IVY GROANS]
[HARLEY GRUNTING]
Argh! Ground-people!
Shit! [GRUNTS]
Hey, is someone gonna tell us what
in the future-fuck is going on?
Sure. We only had two men left.
And your dumb ass murdered the hot one.
Now we just have Steve.
Oh, fuck you, Kaya.
Good luck repopulating the Earth now.
I'm not in the mood.
[DEEP VOICE] You have ten
seconds to explain yourselves.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Oh, and
what an honor to meet you.
My daddy spoke so highly
of you both. [LAUGHING]
I'm sorry. Do we know you?
[DEEP VOICE] Ten seconds.
Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. I'm terrible at brevity.
Okay. So, I hijacked a time-sphere
because I'm, kind of,
going through some shit.
And I thought I'd grab my lady here
and travel 25 years in the future,
where I could meet our
older, wiser selves.
And they could, like, you
know, give us the straight poop
on how to live our best lives.
But I must have set it to
the year 3,000 or whatever.
[ALL LAUGHING]
It's 2048. But we all mess up.
Yesterday I wrote 2047 on a check.
[GASPS] So, I got it right.
- See, it was intuitive.
- Harley.
Okay, fine. You can apologize
to me when we get back home.
So, where's future me
and future Ivy, huh?
Wait, wait. Don't tell me. We operate
a bed and breakfast in Tuscany.
No, no, no. We own and operate
a bed and breakfast in Tuscany.
No, wait! It's a chain.
It's a chain which we no longer operate
because we're selling to a Belgian
hospitality conglomerate, hmm?
Hate to burst your bubble,
but you two are D-E-A-D dead.
You're pretty much looking at what's
left of humanity and shark-manity.
Yeah. I'm just gonna need,
like, a little more context.
In the year 2024, our world went dark.
Crops died, the soil was toxic,
global economies collapsed.
Gotham became a police state,
ruled by the last remaining
member of the Bat Family,
Robin.
And yet a small resistance movement
has managed to survive underground,
led by our general,
said to be the chosen one
who will lead us to a victory
over Robin's drone army.
Wow. That was, like, really
dramatic and engaging.
- Great stuff.
- Oh, thank you.
I was actually a voice-over
artist before the world ended.
[EXCLAIMS] Oh, a face for radio.
So, sorry for For
killing the hot guy.
But all we really want to do is
just get back to the time-sphere.
[FEMALE VOICE] Oh, we'll
help you get the time-sphere.
And you'll help the resistance
take down Robin once and for all.
Um, why?
Because you're my moms.
- Holy
- Shit!
Oh, my God. She's gorgeous.
Wait, do we breastfeed you?
Who did it? Who's the sperm donor?
I hate that I'm meeting you all tied
up and emotionally at rock bottom.
Are you crazy like me or vegan like Ivy?
[SCREAMING] What did we name you?
Neytiri.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Like the blue chick from Avatar.
You know, for five years I
thought I dreamed that movie
because I was so high
when we watched it.
[ALL GASPING]
The Avatar film franchise
is widely considered
the greatest story ever told.
It's nearly impossible to
quantify its impact on our culture.
- I see you, General Neytiri.
- And I see you.
There is no way we named her that.
And that's when I realized my
crowbar wasn't going to be enough.
So, I took out my knife and
I began peeling his silky skin
from his perfect bone structure.
Well, my bone is painfully hard
right now. So, how does this end?
With me on the short list for
keynote-speaker at next year's MALCon.
It's between me and Amy Schumer.
God, you're a narcissist.
I meant how did it end with Nightwing?
Oh, you know. Tears and pleas for help.
[LAUGHING] Natch!
Bradley in San Diego wants to know
what were Nightwing's last words?
All right. Spill the tea.
- [STATIC BUZZING]
- What? Rita, are you seeing this?
[DEEP DISTORTED VOICE] Joker,
Gotham deserves the truth.
Batgirl! Is that you?
[DEEP DISTORTED VOICE] No,
this is Madame Justice.
Doesn't matter. Roll the clip!
What clip? We don't have a clip.
Rita, we got a clip?
Hold on a second. It's
loading. It's loading.
[BEEPS]
Behold justice.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DR. PSYCHO] What the What
the hell am I looking at here?
Is this one of those
hidden-cam porn things?
[DEEP DISTORTED VOICE] This footage
clearly shows on night in question,
Joker was getting tested for sleep apnea
and thus could not
have killed Nightwing.
Madame Justice out.
[LAUGHING] Oh, come on.
You aren't buying this, right?
That's obviously a deep fake.
Listen, shit-face.
The only thing my fans hate more
than women in power is stolen valor.
No! No, I didn't.
And look at all the comments.
"Wow, I didn't have Joker's
stolen valor on my 2023 bingo card.
LOL. Flop!"
"Joker sucks. Also, the Earth is flat."
We just broke 400,000 sets of ears!
- Bam, sucker!
- [SPUTTERING] I did it.
I killed Nightwing.
Me, the clown prince of crime.
You're over, Joker.
There's no coming back
from this. [GIGGLES]
- [PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Speaking of backs, mine's never felt better,
thanks to my new Cleggpedic mattress.
This isn't over.
You can't quash my comeback.
Listen up, team. We will
be entering the Robin's nest
through the sub-basement,
where a recon team has found a weakness.
I mean, shit on a stick.
Our kid is the leader of the free world.
I mean, no, duh. Right?
King Baby has hacked five
captured bat-mech suits
which Resistance Team one will
be using to ascend the tower.
Aw, look. She does the
little lip-bite thing you do
when you're really focused.
[SIGHS] I love being a mom.
This is, like, the best.
Oh, we're so proud of you, baby.
Yeah. You're doing it, girl.
You get it, get it.
- Cobb-squad assemble.
- [LEGENDARY MUSIC PLAYING]
I mean, I just got chills.
Look Look at my arm. Look at my arm.
Goosebumps.
- [GUNS COCKING]
- [DEVICES WHIRRING]
No, you have to put the nails up
to the fill line, then the rocks.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Look at this. She's, like, teaching us.
Wait, wait. Or did we teach you this?
Yeah, totally.
- Wow.
- Parenting is so rewarding.
I know you'll have to go back,
but even this little time together
just means everything to me.
Is it too much, if I asked for a hug?
[BOTH EXCLAIMING] Aw!
[ALL GROANING]
Love you. Oh, I do. I love you.
[HARLEY EXCLAIMING]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHIRRING]
[SCREAMING]
Okay. Is it just me, or is
all this a little too easy?
[SCREAMING] Look out!
Argh!
You know what? I think it's just
our incredible daughter's work ethic,
which she gets from me,
and the incomprehensible
confidence that she gets from you.
[KING BABY] Watch out!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
Thanks, King Baby.
You know, your dad was the
only villain with the stones
to take my calls after I went Bat.
Sometimes your new friends
are not your new friends.
You feel me?
[ROBIN] I fucking told
you worthless dumb-shits,
I wanted contactless delivery.
I'm in the middle of crushing a
peasant uprising in Neo Bludhaven.
Resistance is futile.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
God damn it, Alfred.
I thought I told you to kill
all the remaining human servants.
Master Robin, we have company.
Oh, fuck.
[SLURPS] You're early, General Neytiri.
[BOTH GROANING]
[POISON IVY] Damn it, Cheryl.
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GASPS] What's happening?
- Welcome to the Robin's Nest.
Not only am I the architect and engineer
of this awesome dystopian society,
I am also a collector.
And now, you and Ivy will be the
newest additions to my menagerie.
Oh, that looks unpleasant.
You ungrateful little shit.
I used to check your
Halloween candy for anthrax.
[NEYTIRI] All right, Robin.
I held up my end of the bargain.
Now hand it over.
- You sold us out?
- For a bag of fucking dirt.
We call it Unobtanium, Mother.
Oh, fuck off!
Wow. Sass like that wins you
a spot in the trophy case,
next to a Kite Man.
Restrain them.
[NEYTIRI] RIP, Moms.
At least I finally got something
out of this relationship.
How dare you?
Well, why did you do this to us?
We are cool moms.
We deserve answers.
You don't deserve shit.
And there's no such thing as a cool mom.
God, you guys are so
fucking self-obsessed.
What are you so fucking upset about?
You turned out okay.
Yeah. Thanks to Cheryl who raised me.
[GASPS] Cheryl. All right, that
explains the backstabbing instincts.
I'm a survivor, should
I blow with the wind.
You two always pretend everything's
fine even when you don't agree.
Like first day of kindergarten,
I still didn't have a name.
I had to come up with one myself.
Ha, ha! I knew we didn't
pick that stupid name!
My fucking name rules!
It's true.
I wish it were my name.
No, it sucks!
I'm changing it to
Princess Lady Fingers.
Remember that weird dream I had
after we hit the bottomless
tiramisu at Mama Maxx?
- Yeah, but
- Cheryl, you're a notary.
File the futuristic
paperwork on that shit.
Moms rule!
Oh, seriously?
And not to feed into
your monstrous egos,
but FYI, you guys doubling down
on your own bullshit
caused the apocalypse.
Oh, well, that's a little overdramatic!
Wonder where she got that from?
[YELLING] Excuse me!
Stop yelling.
I don't want your faces all
stretched out when I freeze you.
- Cheryl, where are we at?
- Freeze up and running.
Bat-drones, bring me my trophies.
Fuck! Are we in a fight right now?
'Cause I don't want to die in a fight.
No. No, we're not fighting. I love you.
[POISON IVY] I love you, too.
Oh, my God! You suck at communicating!
[POISON IVY] Excuse me. That's not true.
We tell each other everything
like how we like our eggs,
or how Harley masturbates
to The Iron Lady.
Okay. That was once and
was basically by accident.
Ugh! Okay, listen.
In the interest of clearing the
air before we get cryo-frozen,
our double-crossing love child is right.
I haven't told you, I'm losing my mind.
Honey, you're always losing your mind.
Yeah. This time it's different.
I've been sleepwalking, hallucinating.
I had an out-of-body experience.
I saw another me.
Okay.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I tried, but I kept getting
talk-blocked by your assistant!
[BOTH GASP]
[HARLEY] King Baby!
Ha!
Oh, my God. Quick! Now's our chance.
- Come on, stupid-fucking thing.
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
I just upgraded this shit.
[GRUNTS]
- [NEYTIRI] My dirt! No!
- [ROBIN] No!
You're clogging my pee-pee drain!
Get them, Cheryl.
- [THUDS]
- [SCREAM ECHOING]
Argh! You're ruining my life!
You guys fuck everything up!
Okay, yes. Yes, in this situation,
I did fuck everything up for you.
- However
- Look out!
I did it for us.
Everything I do is for us.
What? So, you're killing it and I'm not,
and I just have to
learn to deal with that?
No, no, no. I just thought these
work boundaries would protect us.
- [GROANS]
- But they pushed us apart.
You're right. I need
to be there for you.
We are a team.
You're so full of shit! [GRUNTS]
Ha! The adults are talking, kiddo!
Oh, my God! We're the same age.
But we're still your parents.
And you know what?
- You're grounded.
- [GROANS]
MILF alert.
Fucking yes!
She doesn't even know us.
[SCREAMING]
We make great parents.
[GRUNTS] Someday, someday.
- [GROANS SOFTLY]
- Yeah, someday.
I fixed the time-sphere.
- Go time.
- Not so fast.
[GROANS] Pins and
needles. Pins and needles.
King Baby, why did you help us?
I think you two can
go back and do better.
Raise a nice kid
and stop Lex from destroying the planet.
Oh! An optimist like his
dad. You love to see it.
Wait a minute. What
did you say about Lex?
The system has rebooted, Master.
Oh, shit. We gotta go. Come with us!
No, I'd rather go to bed tonight
and wake up to a new reality.
Like maybe one that's focused
on a different kind of movie,
like a jukebox musical
based on the music
of a certain Swedish pop band.
Good luck. We'll make sure
this apocalypse doesn't happen.
Give me a smooch on my little
baby-boy head next time you see me.
And make sure Princess Lady
Fingers puts some ice on that. Okay?
Bye!
- [SCREAMING]
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
Holy shit! That was wild.
[CHUCKLES] Fucking crazy.
Also kind of fun.
I'm just so glad you
jumped in here after me.
Weirdly, me too.
I mean, I don't know how
to fix all of our problems,
but I know we're better together.
Yes, and whatever caused the apocalypse,
we'll see it coming a mile away.
[AUTOMATED VOICE SPEAKING] Mind the gap.
[BOTH GASP]
- [SIREN WAILING]
- [POISON IVY] Wait. Are we back?
We are. Wait. Did we leave
on the 21st or the 27th?
What the fuck is this font?
The one and the seven look the same!
We're six days in the future?
They made it too fancy.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]