Orange Is the New Black s03e02 Episode Script
Bed Bugs and Beyond
by CookiesMonsta I got 'em when I was 15, and then, like, 19, and then other times, but I never got it on my arms.
And I haven't even been putting 'em near nobody's cha-cha except for, like, once, and it was a while ago and by accident.
You don't get crabs on your arms.
So, what? I got imitation crabs? Shit.
It's fuckin' bedbugs.
Like scabies? I thought it was crabs.
Me, too.
I miss Ian.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
- Ugh.
You got some shampoo or something? They don't live on you, just in your sheets and clothes and shit.
So now we gotta wash everything.
What, you gave 'em to me? Someone gave it to me first.
- Fuck! - What's going on? Flaca's got scabies.
- It's bedbugs.
It's different.
- Cooties are cooties.
I probably got it from your dirty little sister.
They probably been living in your hairy Chia Pet poon since before you got here.
First of all, I keep my lawn mowed.
Second, weren't no problems till Pocket Daya snuck in last week to follow in the family footsteps.
Eat it.
They got scabies.
Bedbugs, and it's Flaca.
_ Now what? _ Ay, dios.
We're all gonna get 'em.
- You don't have a magic cure or something? - Hey, hey, hey.
_ I just walked up.
_ No.
So what? You hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring.
But these are just pads.
We don't got bedsprings.
Oh, Jesus.
Okay, everybody, start stripping the beds! Fuck! Attention, ladies, remember to remove all pens from your uniform when dropping off your laundry.
Red, you're back and you're not talking to me.
Now what did I do? My post-slock resolution was to stop giving liars second chances.
When did I lie to you? "Business is booming.
There's a line out the door.
" You were much more convincing than my husband, but you were just as stupid.
You could have said you didn't make your way there.
Instead, you said you ate my vatrushkis.
I'm sorry.
I I thought that I was doing the right thing.
By lying? We read different children's books.
You know many cultures value a person's dignity over the truth.
In Korea, they actually call it kibun.
I heard that on The World with Marco Werman.
In Russia, we call it "bullshit.
" Look, there was nothing you could do about it, and I thought that I was saving you some pain.
You thought if you didn't bring me bad news, I won't kill the messenger.
I said what I said because I am a nice person and it felt right.
Nice is for cowards and Democrats.
You're a selfish little person.
You wanted me to like you.
Now I like you less.
Next.
Powell.
P-O-W-E-double-L.
Ah, here you are.
ID? - Oh, Bennett.
Good.
- You're George's friend.
- Uh Yeah, George? - My son.
He used to work here.
George Mendez.
His father, my first husband, is Cuban.
I never could resist an accent.
Guess that runs in the family.
I'm sorry.
That was a coping mechanism.
Uh Thank you.
George, um George says he loves her.
What do you think? I I don't know.
Maybe.
I'm sorry, who are you here to see? I know I need to apologize, but "I'm sorry" feels a little inadequate.
That baby's got my daughter out to here and it's too late to Dyson it out of her.
So I hope you're here for more than a clean conscience.
I'm a concerned grandmother just like you are.
Although you look nothing like a grandmother.
Hispanic women have amazing skin.
Let's hope the baby gets my complexion.
What's it gettin' from you? I know that nothing can ever undo what my son did, but this child is part of my family.
He's gonna live with my family.
Your husband? My domestic partner.
Who is not actually related to the baby by blood.
No blood, but he's got the sweat and tears part down.
He's takin' real good care of my babies, and he'll do the same for Daya.
I want to adopt the child.
I'm up nights haunted I can't bear the thought of the baby winding up like Go ahead, say it.
Like her mother? Like George.
So you want to raise the baby so it don't turn out like the baby you raised? I have two other boys.
One is in dental school and the other is an art historian.
So you raised a sadist, a dentist and a homo.
Two sadists and a homo.
Okay, look you have every right to hate me and George but I can do right by this child.
I can offer love and attention and a certain lifestyle.
Money don't mean nothing to a child - No, but I - You're not listening.
To a child.
But my daughter can't be un-raped and she's gonna suffer bad emotionals her whole life.
We all are.
Well I know money could never make that right, but of course, I would want to help the mother of my grandchild in any way I could.
Perhaps on a monthly basis.
And the grandmother of your grandchild? Of course.
That's the team spirit.
Hey lady guards only.
Your mom is in visitation right now with Mendez's mother.
- What the fuck? - Yeah, did you know she was coming? - What are they talking about? - I don't know.
Lady Pornstache wrote me a letter.
She wanted to meet but I said no.
I mean, I didn't say nothing which means I said no.
Aleida must've written her.
Relax.
It's my baby, ours.
Aleida's just probably trying to shake her down.
Everything's gonna be fine.
I don't usually get to see this much of you all at once.
You like it? You're into big bellies? Listen up, ladies! Until every uniform in this prison is washed and re-washed you'll be wearing Office Depot's new fall line.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me! I ain't wearing that fucking paper shit.
That's my color.
I'm wearing it.
There is one maternity-sized paper suit.
I suggest you grab it before one of your plus-sized dorm-mates claims it for her food baby.
I asked you more than once to stay away from her and yet, with the whole dorm half-naked, here you are.
I'm writing you up, Bennett.
Mendez's mother is meeting with Aleida Diaz.
I don't care and neither should you.
That's my kid we're talking about here.
This is not 3 Men and a Baby.
You and Mendez are not Guttenberg and Selleck.
You are two morons and a ward of the state.
Let go.
Let go of the dream.
Mr.
Caputo.
One box per dorm.
That's all there was.
I can't walk around in my butt-bag panties and my granny bra.
There are more paper uniforms on their way.
And they'll get here when? Sometime soon hopefully.
Uh, be thankful the weather is nice.
- CO Bennett, make yourself useful.
- Sir? Go down to the storage room.
Don't come back until you find some uniforms or something uniform-like and disposable.
Sir.
Yes, sir.
Where's the S1? Corporal John Bennett reporting as ordered, Sergeant.
Care to let me in on the joke, Corporal Whoever-the-fuck-you-are? No disrespect, Sergeant.
Just ready to get in the shit.
Well, look at that, Goggles! Corporal America is here to save us from the ragheads.
Hooah! IA, fall in! Rifle.
You know, it's always the guy who thinks he's John Wayne McCain who shits his pants and needs rescuing.
But out here, we prefer to let the camel cowboys do the dying.
It's their goddamn country.
Look at you, all nicely starched.
I have a travel iron.
I smell a fobbit.
You know what a fobbit is? - I'm not - Not what I asked! Army hobbit.
Too chicken to leave his forward operating base.
You think this shitbag's a fobbit? Maybe.
Don't know but he's got the whitest teeth I've ever seen.
Sergeant, I am not a coward, and I'm sure as shit not sorry I'm squared away.
I'm here to soldier, save lives and get some.
Jesus.
What a cluster-knuckle.
Could this be our fault? - The new couch? - I did an inspection at the curb.
We're okay except for the mystery stain, but we febrezed.
If anybody asks anything it came from JC Penney.
Work line, cell block A, 10 minutes.
Bell, Hartford jail's got six boxes of paper suits they're willing to part with.
Cost me 300 pairs of tube socks I actually don't have, but that's a future me problem.
Have Doggett drive you and Maxwell after lunch.
Roger that.
Looks like it's spreading.
The only thing spreading is rumors.
It was an isolated event that's been isolated.
I forgot something in the office.
Uh-uh.
Walk.
That's right.
Just walk away, Renee.
What You smell like Arthur Avenue.
Whatever, okay? GloNo's makin' me bedbug-proof.
- GloNo? - Gloria and Norma.
Oh, hell no.
Hey, look, whatever you wanna call 'em, they for real, all right? Especially Norma.
She got that whole magic mute thing going on.
Look, and this makes sense, okay? Bedbugs drink our blood.
They're bugs, not Dracula.
And now that you been necklace shopping in Burritoville, you gettin' 'em for sure.
- Man, why they still makin' our food - Whatever.
when they're the infested ones? Oh, shit.
- Ew! - Why you No, it's protein.
Crunch.
It's all good.
Hey, you're scratching.
It ain't real, man.
It's a ghost itch.
- Mmm.
- Power of persuasion.
Power of you ain't take a shower in three days, that might be why you're scratching.
What you care? Poor personal hygiene can be a sign of depression.
Man, I ain't depressed.
Oh.
The line's been long in the showers since it started getting hot, but I been washing my pits, tits and naughty bits in the sink.
Well, thank you for that.
Look, you don't wanna be forced to take a shower like Asia Girl, don't get so ripe you go rotten.
All I'm saying.
Okay, maybe you got a point but it ain't bugs.
Man, come on, man.
Uh-uh! Forrest Gump seat's taken.
Yeah blackies only.
But I got just as much of a right to this seat as you do.
I mean, this place is full today - and you're discriminating me.
- Yes.
Rosa Parks could walk through that door, but she got bedbugs bitch, her ass going to the back of the bus same as you.
Who's gonna stop me, though now that your big-haired mammy's in hell, takin' Satan's three-pronged penis up her butt? - No! - Warren! - Man, chill out.
- Do I need to write you a shot? No, no, no, no, no.
She's good.
She just had a little too much spicy.
That's all.
Give me the potato now.
Give me the potato.
I got you.
You good.
- Yes.
- Sit down.
We good, Suzanne.
We good.
- We good.
- We good, Officer Bell.
We - I will potato her at a future time.
- I know.
Get your lunch to go, Doggett.
We got van duty.
Bitch, bye.
You not hungry? I'm not standing in that parade of tits and ass.
You secretly love this.
Some things are better left mysteries.
Do you wanna borrow my paper bottoms? Because I could rip them off and just give them to you.
Come on.
Give mama a smile! Do you remember what Kubra used to say? Uh-uh.
"A smile is like tight underwear.
- It lifts your cheeks.
" - "It lifts your cheeks.
" He's gonna kill me, you know.
Alex I really thought they would put him away and I'd be out Fuck, I'm fucking suffocating.
Alex, you will survive because it's what you do.
Yeah like a cockroach.
Maybe that's your spirit animal.
I know that you're trying to make me feel better, but really think about what you just said to me.
You know, they really get a bad rap.
They were the first animals to ever mate in space.
They live in tight colonies because they just love being touched and they can carry cigarettes.
They're bad bitches.
I can't be here right now.
I mean, seriously, what the fuck is going on? Man, it's like six early releases this month.
Yeah, bullshit sentences for minor drug crimes just aren't enforced like they used to be.
Speaking of minor drug crimes Our smack scheme is no minor offense.
Really? You couldn't come up with a code word or something for that? Fine.
Getting caught with that many Jujubes will get our candy asses kicked down to max for a decade.
No, we have come too close for you to puss out on me now.
I will smother you in your sleep.
Red concreted our shipping route.
All the coke kitties are getting out, and maybe, like, the universe is just trying to send us a message.
Bitch, please.
All those girls had no time left on their sentences.
That just ain't you or me, huh? Escort to infirmary.
Escort to infirmary.
We need the right Oompa Loompa to smuggle our sweets out of here.
You know what? Now you're just abusing the metaphor.
This is the last of it and if you ask me, this oatmeal should be for breakfast, not voodoo.
It's not abracadabra.
It's nature's anti-itch cream.
It's medicine.
So why you making it and not the infirmary? Good fucking question.
Dame.
Fuck.
Inmate, there've been complaints about moldy rice.
I need you to show me where you store it.
The fuck is this? An intervention? What were you doing talking to Mendez's mother? We're mutually-concerned grandparents.
She's not the grandmother.
- She might be.
- What is that supposed to mean? That's for me and my daughter to talk about.
- He's part of this.
- Yeah, I am.
Yeah? Okay, fine.
- She wants to adopt the baby.
- What? Shh! - Your job right now is to listen.
- To what? The only thing worse than Mendez raising that baby - is his mother doing it.
- Mmm-hmm.
That's what I said but it turns out she got two other kids.
One's a tooth doctor, the other's an artist, and they turned out real good.
- I'm not giving up my baby to nobody.
- That's also what I said but then she made some real good points.
- No, nothing she - Shh! Daya you got 37 months left on your sentence.
He can't do nothing or he'll go to jail, too.
Abuela is too old and Cesar's guaranteed to fuck up.
You remember your year in foster care? You want that for the baby? - That's not going to happen.
- Shh! Let her finish.
You're not actually considering this, are you? Aren't you? I'm not saying yes.
It just kind of makes sense.
Except for the part where the woman who raised a drug-dealing rapist named Pornstache adopts our child.
Have you ever even held a baby? Changed a diaper? You wanna make that kid live in a shithole with five other people? He can have his own bedroom.
Did you ever spend the night in a room by yourself? That baby could have a real life with money and clean towels and shit.
Look, Daya and I are happy, okay? You don't need towels for that.
Right? God damn it, Farzad! Look, it's only funny because the dudes are dancing.
Not her.
Understand? No.
Jesus.
Can somebody please get me a better Muslim over here? Let's try this again in five, ladies.
Don't sweat it, man.
This is just how Americans like to waste time.
Bad work? You were bad at being stupid.
That is a good thing.
You did good.
You did good.
What's wrong with them? Them, uh You all, uh boy-kiss-boy.
Fuck! This motherfucker Yeah, I see that.
Ugh, it's like ironic divine retribution.
We're stuck in our own spin cycle.
This paper suit keeps sticking to my sweaty parts.
Once, when my mother forgot to buy me a Halloween costume, she taped a bunch of old newspapers to me and said I should tell people I was a newsstand.
You know what we need? Bean leaves.
I got bedbugs at a sit-in for a Portland homeless shelter.
The conditions were appalling.
So we used bean leaves to trap the bedbugs and get rid of them.
I didn't know beans grew on leaves.
Oh, yeah, take it off.
Ooh! Excuse me, Mr.
Luschek.
We would like to make a formal petition for some bean leaves.
And maybe some extra washers.
People or machines, either one.
But really, bean leaves.
If you say "bean leaves" one more time, I'm going to punch you in the fuck hole.
One of the fuck holes.
How 'bout some fans instead? At least two of them work.
All yours.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to see you strain your ass, you know, sitting on that table.
I could probably think of a witty comeback if it wasn't so hot in here or I cared.
Hey, I hope you're not down here for any of that girl faggot shit.
Well, when you talk dirty to me like that Yeah, I know you've been sniffing around Angie's tree.
And you should know the only soggy box that interests me is mine, and all that goes in it are dicks and tampons and sometimes other things, but only guys can put those in.
Noted.
Although, when you call it your soggy box, you know, it makes it really hard to resist.
Hey, how come all the guards get to wear real clothes? We're exempt.
Do the bedbugs know that? You wash our uniforms every day.
Shit! Whoa! Whoa! Luschek! It's like undressing in front of my dog.
I need you to wash these right now.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Sleepy-time tea.
A little spray here A little spray there Ooh, little spray in my underwear Makes the buggies back off Ooh, makes the buggies piss off Makes the buggies back way the fuck Tssh! Tssh! Way the fuck off This is, like, the Titanic of bad ideas.
Like, we're steerin' out the way of bedbugs and crashin' into an iceberg of chemical burns and shit.
Please.
My Grammy used to douche with disinfectant.
- The trick is to imagine the bugs - Lybol? being bugged by you.
You can't give away your power.
Like you almost did at lunch? Look, you can't be getting' all crazy every time that somebody talks about Vee.
But did you hear that slattern? Look, that business about a tri-penis, unacceptable.
That warrants a severe response.
Man, you fuck up an ofay with a spork, you angry enough.
No, Vee would have defended me if vice were versa.
Okay, even if that was true, which it definitely is not, you're one shot away from being a puddle of black drool in the psych.
You need to check yourself.
- Back off.
- Did you mean to spray that on your skin? Yes.
Because in general, when a bottle reads "caution" and "warning," it might not be the best idea.
Man, see? I knew this was a bad idea, you telling me to clean with your grandma's douche.
Someone's grandma douches with disinfectant? Man, this was the pill before there was a pill.
It's cheaper than condoms and make your coochie crack smell like lemon fresh.
I'm for real.
Look that shit up.
It couldn't have worked too well because, you know, well, you're here.
Man, uh When did our bathroom become gentrified? Since the Spanish became patient zero for bedbugs.
Mmm.
This isn't social hour, ladies.
Unless you're working, out.
Everybody out.
I gave you an order, inmate.
I I need permission to use the toilet? - May I relieve myself, teacher? - Excuse me? - Alex - That's a shot.
What? There are girls spraying themselves with disinfectant because this prison is swarming with bugs, but pissing is a violation? Great.
I'm glad you have your priorities straight.
- Where are the fucking fumigators? - Lower your voice, inmate.
Are they too worried to kill the bedbugs because they'll kill the cockroaches, too? - Are you calling me a cockroach? - It's okay.
They get a bad rap.
Alex.
You're going to seg, inmate.
Alex! No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You know that this isn't her.
She's just back here after having been out.
- You want a shot, too, Chapman? - Will it keep her out of SHU? Please.
Come on.
Hey, haven't you ever had a bad day? Like, a really really bad day? Disobeying a staff member, insolence to a staff member.
That's two shots, Vause.
Alex.
How am I back here, Piper? How could I let myself get back here? Alex, it's not your fault.
And they call me crazy.
Oh, my God! We will probably never be rich and we'll most likely live in a place that's not that big, but we'll work hard and we'll love each other and we'll find so much happiness that we won't even know what to do with it.
We'll share it with our kid.
Our kids.
Will you marry me? The ring is temporary.
- Uh my leg.
- Okay.
I love you so much.
We still gotta be careful for now.
Hey, you know, I think you need to be in an enclosed space for that to work.
I'm blasting the heater to kill any bedbugs inside.
Hey, Luschek, let me ask you a question.
You like candy, right? Body by Butterfinger.
I'm speaking allegorically here.
You wanna talk about Al Gore? Oh, Jesus.
Okay.
Hey, listen, all right? Focus.
Let's say I happen to have a Costco-sized box of candy, right? And I I fuckin' love candy, but I can't eat it anymore because, you know, it ruined my life, it gave me cavities, I am in Candy Eaters Anonymous now, eh? So I gotta get rid of it, yeah? Like, out-of-the-prison rid of it.
I've got a shit-ton of heroin I need you to sell.
- Are you out of your mind, inmate? - Hey.
You're asking me to sell narcotics? I'm a Federal Corrections Officer.
All right, let's go.
- We're gonna go to Caputo's office - No! you're gonna tell him exactly what you told me, every word, even that weird Al Gore thing.
Okay, look, Luschek, you must've misunderstood me, all right? I'm fucking with you.
Of course I'll sell it.
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Man, come on.
You know I got a bad heart.
You can't do that shit to me, man.
I want, uh 80%.
Of the drugs or the money? You're not supposed to be back here.
Yeah, I know, but I got this.
- You slept with it? - Yeah.
- Said the Lord's Prayer? - Mmm-hmm.
Okay, good.
Evil eye is off of you.
Don't you gotta break it or some shit? I'll break it in the morning when I cook it.
What? But you can't feed somebody my problems! What what if I eat it back? You as likely to eat somebody's hormone imbalance, cheating husband or diarrhea.
Listen if it makes you nervous, skip breakfast.
That ain't right, yo.
I'm trying here.
Well, I had to use all the oatmeal on people's itches which means that more people are eating eggs which means that your egg gets cooked.
Thanks.
I'm literally garbage.
I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Oh, chin up, kibun.
You'll think of the right lie.
What was that about? I told her that her restaurant was a booming success.
And? And it has been shuttered for months.
Mmm.
That's fucked up.
I was trying to be nice.
She was so happy when I lied.
Delusion can be very comforting.
Right? The best part of my time here was when I thought somebody else had named me as a co-conspirator.
It was like the universe had just brought us back together.
And then you realized that I was the asshole who named you.
No.
I mean, yes, you did and that sucked but for a while, ignorance was bliss.
Getting all of our shit out on the table, being totally, brutally honest about all the fucked-up things we've done, and then deciding to still like each other, that is an amazing thing.
Resiliency of the human spirit and all of that.
So much better than ignorance.
Seriously.
What? What is it, Piper? I, um had a friend call Davy Crockett and tell him that you had violated your parole.
You called my probation officer? You kept saying that you were in danger.
- Bullshit.
- And I was just trying to protect you.
That is bullshit and you know it.
Just more bullshit! I'm so, so, so, so sorry but now, see, all of our shit is just right out on the table and we can decide to like each other You're a fucking psycho! and you can stop blaming yourself for being in here.
And start blaming you? Because that's what I'm supposed to do now, right? So you can keep control over whatever this is.
Control? Alex, you were having a nervous breakdown.
Which wasn't hot for you, was it? Depressives are bummer fuck-buddies.
Can't have that.
God, you're such a manipulative cunt! You're gonna have to burn 'em.
We're not burning any books.
This is not Nuremberg.
And I'm not that kind of exterminator, but facts is facts.
Am I allowed to interact with them? They are people.
Yeah.
Can I see a couple of those? Yeah, that's Rats of NIMH.
It's, like, my top five.
I cried like a baby when Jenner died.
You can't burn that.
Man, this broke-ass prison will never replace 'em.
- You can't do this.
- Calm down.
We're not replacing any books 'cause we're not losing any.
Isn't that right, Dan? - Bedbug.
- What? Man, that ain't no bedbug.
That's a muffin crumb.
Well, how you gonna tell the expert what that is? Ain't like I'm not an expert at muffins.
The thing about these bastards is once they're in, the only way to get 'em out is to wipe out their nooks and crannies.
You can't just spray some stuff in here? Steam the books or something? I'm telling you, it ain't a bedbug.
What you think, Mr.
Caputo? You're 100% sure? How sure are you that that's a muffin crumb? - Like, 90%.
- Oh? Well, that wins out.
You wanna be sure? Have at it.
- Jefferson - T You didn't! Jesus.
I'm down to, like, 50-50.
Shit.
Who are you? Uh, sorry, I'm looking for Cesar.
- Cesar! - What? Some white boy here.
Baby daddy! Que pasó? Daya and Aleida okay? Yeah.
Yeah, no, great.
I, um You said to stop by sometime, so here I am.
Also, I brought this gift for Lucy.
And, uh I proposed to Daya, actually.
No fucking way! Get in here! Homeboy stepping up to the plate! Margarita, listen to this.
How'd you do it? Did you get her a ring? Uh, I made it, actually, out of gum wrappers.
Gum was how we met, so Babe.
Babe! What's up? Dinner! Dude, you need to get her a real ring.
Yeah, no, definitely.
I just, um I mean, she can't have it in prison, though, 'cause she'll get, you know, shanked for it.
My boss will ask me where she got it, or But I think the gum ring is fine for now.
Hey, who's who's that? I'm a daddy again! And I know you ain't gonna say shit to Aleida, right? Or do I have to bribe you with, like, movies and candies like I do with them? How many times Look! Look what you did.
You broke this shit! Hi.
You're Lucy, right? I'm Lucy.
Oh, sorry.
Happy birthday! Dayanara asked me to bring you this.
Is it a Barbie? Well, I guess you'll have to open it and find out.
No, it's not a Barbie, but it's cool.
Dinner, bitches.
That was fast.
Yeah, leftovers from Storky's.
Hey, I should probably get going.
I just wanted to drop off the thing and tell you the good news.
Nice try, homeboy.
You're staying for dinner.
Oh, Mitch, good to see you.
Wish it were under better circumstances.
Yeah, well, could be worse.
Fig could still be here.
I really liked her.
The early releases should have saved you enough money to handle the infestation situation without any additional funding.
I've made several cost-cutting measures myself, and that includes the new mattresses which I noticed weren't factored into your budget.
Because they weren't approved.
They were approved.
They have to be.
We're burning 'em right now, Mitch.
Burning, yes, fine.
But we're not going to replace hundreds of mattresses only to get rid of them again in two months.
Why would we get rid of the mattresses in two months? No one told you.
Holy shit.
Holy shit! That's the reason for the early releases.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how you weren't informed.
The warden must've forgot to ring me in between rounds of golf.
None of this reflects badly on you.
Your name is actually being mentioned quite favorably.
There's a good chance you'll get a transfer.
And everybody else? How long do we have? The prisoners should all be relocated by the 20th.
They're officially closing the prison the 30th.
Eat your French fries, puto.
I'm not hungry for vegetables.
- Hey! - Oh! Pero listen to you.
Don't you talk to him that way.
He pays your rent.
That's right.
So you gotta listen to what I say because otherwise, there'll be behavioral consequences.
Man, when you put 'em in the microwave, they get disgusting! I'm not eating 'em.
Whoa! Hey, now! Hey! Whoa.
Margarita brought you French fries.
You better get fuckin' hungry real quick.
Emiliano, do me a favor.
Get the fuck out of my face.
I know I look strict, right? But secretly, deep down inside, they're just happy that there's actually an adult in charge.
Sit down, sit down.
Eat, eat.
Impact target 30 seconds from flash.
Repeat.
Impact target is 30 seconds from flash.
Not a bad first combat tour, huh, Bennett? Yeah, cleaning porta-johns and dancing like a rent boy while Skynet does all the fun stuff.
Aw, come on now.
You know the biggest bombs in the whole war get dropped in the porta-johns.
Ha-ha.
Yeah, maybe I'll get a medal for most excellent shit-soldier.
Lock it up.
Eat your motherfucking ice cream because we're about to deliver some serious freedom through their skulls.
You have target confirmed.
Go to fire.
- Three, two, one.
Kaboom.
- Oh, shit! Fuck, yeah, bro! Bomb! Have bomb! Bomb! Them! No, no! It's not him! Grenade! Bennett, kick it out! Fuck! Clear out! Yeah, come in.
I need to add my lawyer to my visitation list.
You having problems with your case? No.
And please take my husband off my list.
Why don't you have a seat, Red? I won't be staying, but thank you.
Please sit.
The mail cart is going around.
All letters are subject to inspection.
You want to tell me what's going on? I married a pillow.
Soft, lumpy, and always lying behind my back.
Words like "always" are absolutes and using them is a way to reinforce what we wanna believe.
When speaking emotionally absolutes can be dangerous.
Good advice.
Thank you.
Please add my lawyer and remove my husband.
You know, Red marriage is a two-way street.
And you can't swim without getting wet.
See? I can say clichés, too.
Ha! You owe it to your younger self to explore those things that made you wanna marry this man in the first place.
You may find that they're still there.
I owe my younger self 23 years of wild sex with multiple partners, but I'll settle for my name back.
You made a lifelong commitment.
That's sacred.
You don't know my story, Healy, and you don't know what he's done.
_ Hey! Language! I know what that word means, and it's not okay to refer to your husband or any other man that way.
You know, you huff in here like some put-upon martyr like a smile would break your face, trivializing a man's emotions.
What is that? Some kind of a Russian thing or something? - What the hell does that - Hey! Language! Again! That's the last time that I'm gonna warn you, Mrs.
Reznikov.
You forget where you are just like you forget that your husband has a stake in this, too.
Just because he made some mistakes doesn't mean that you can run off and go sleep in your mother's room at the first sign of white caps on the ocean.
- You know, this is a bad fuckin' plan.
- It's a great fuckin' plan.
Drugs in the tool belt, tool belt to Luschek, Luschek to the streets, money.
Don't overthink it.
You know, I missed the part where you contribute.
I am the fairy godmother who watches over you to make sure that the plan doesn't go up your cute little nose.
Great.
Finally I get a mother who gives a shit about me and it's bibbity-bobbity Big Boo.
- Uh, Boo? - Huh? We've got a problem.
Someone stole our candy.
Oh! Fuck! All right, that's the last of the E-Dorm mattresses, Mr.
Caputo.
No books.
We're gonna try to salvage those.
Are you kidding me? - Doesn't matter.
- What's that? Doesn't matter.
So, I'm confused.
They're from that bush in the yard by the greenhouse.
They're not bean leaves, but they have, like, pods on them, so I thought maybe they Are you sleeping? You know you can't actually feel the bites.
Bedbug saliva contains a substance that acts as a mild anesthetic.
It's in your head.
I should sleep without a mattress more often.
It's good for my back.
If you feel like that's the right thing to do then you should absolutely do it.
Still trying to preserve my kibun? I told Alex the truth about something today and she told me that I was a manipulative She told me I was manipulative.
I lie I get in trouble.
I truth I get in trouble.
I can't do anything right.
What are you asking for? Advice? Here's some.
Stop buying into your own horseshit.
You tell me I'm scratching is my imagination? Look around.
The prison is crawling.
You can tell everyone they can't feel it all night long, but in the morning, we've all been a bug buffet.
Just stop trying to mold the real world into the one inside your pointy blonde head.
Maybe I am manipulative.
From what I've seen to get what you want while telling everyone how clean you are you play dirty.
You just described my mother.
She's a kibun ninja or whatever the Korean version of "ninja" is and then the WASP version of that.
Awaken your inner Russian.
No more bullshit.
Na zdorovie.
The world is better in black and white and red.
That's my favorite Daya story.
What is it? What, you bang her and you don't know her quinceañera story? She tells that story to everybody.
Aleida got wasted and she tripped and fell on the birthday cake and the candles lit her dress on fire but you gotta hear the way Daya tells it.
I ain't gonna lie, man.
This shit ain't easy.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go it alone for a while.
Nah, nah, nah.
You get yourself a little side of bacon like Margarita.
That's what women are made for.
That used to be Daya's crib and all the other little scrubs, too.
It's nothing fancy, but, uh it's got a lot of good luck.
Buena suerte.
I want you to have it, man.
What about her? We'll get her something else.
It's for Aleida's family.
Salud! Margarita! Yeah? Six months old, but she shits like a human.
Good morning, ladies.
Additional linen uniforms are now available.
If you are a small or an extra small, first come, first serve.
You bitch! Fuck you, Alex! Fuck you! by CookiesMonsta
And I haven't even been putting 'em near nobody's cha-cha except for, like, once, and it was a while ago and by accident.
You don't get crabs on your arms.
So, what? I got imitation crabs? Shit.
It's fuckin' bedbugs.
Like scabies? I thought it was crabs.
Me, too.
I miss Ian.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
- Ugh.
You got some shampoo or something? They don't live on you, just in your sheets and clothes and shit.
So now we gotta wash everything.
What, you gave 'em to me? Someone gave it to me first.
- Fuck! - What's going on? Flaca's got scabies.
- It's bedbugs.
It's different.
- Cooties are cooties.
I probably got it from your dirty little sister.
They probably been living in your hairy Chia Pet poon since before you got here.
First of all, I keep my lawn mowed.
Second, weren't no problems till Pocket Daya snuck in last week to follow in the family footsteps.
Eat it.
They got scabies.
Bedbugs, and it's Flaca.
_ Now what? _ Ay, dios.
We're all gonna get 'em.
- You don't have a magic cure or something? - Hey, hey, hey.
_ I just walked up.
_ No.
So what? You hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring.
But these are just pads.
We don't got bedsprings.
Oh, Jesus.
Okay, everybody, start stripping the beds! Fuck! Attention, ladies, remember to remove all pens from your uniform when dropping off your laundry.
Red, you're back and you're not talking to me.
Now what did I do? My post-slock resolution was to stop giving liars second chances.
When did I lie to you? "Business is booming.
There's a line out the door.
" You were much more convincing than my husband, but you were just as stupid.
You could have said you didn't make your way there.
Instead, you said you ate my vatrushkis.
I'm sorry.
I I thought that I was doing the right thing.
By lying? We read different children's books.
You know many cultures value a person's dignity over the truth.
In Korea, they actually call it kibun.
I heard that on The World with Marco Werman.
In Russia, we call it "bullshit.
" Look, there was nothing you could do about it, and I thought that I was saving you some pain.
You thought if you didn't bring me bad news, I won't kill the messenger.
I said what I said because I am a nice person and it felt right.
Nice is for cowards and Democrats.
You're a selfish little person.
You wanted me to like you.
Now I like you less.
Next.
Powell.
P-O-W-E-double-L.
Ah, here you are.
ID? - Oh, Bennett.
Good.
- You're George's friend.
- Uh Yeah, George? - My son.
He used to work here.
George Mendez.
His father, my first husband, is Cuban.
I never could resist an accent.
Guess that runs in the family.
I'm sorry.
That was a coping mechanism.
Uh Thank you.
George, um George says he loves her.
What do you think? I I don't know.
Maybe.
I'm sorry, who are you here to see? I know I need to apologize, but "I'm sorry" feels a little inadequate.
That baby's got my daughter out to here and it's too late to Dyson it out of her.
So I hope you're here for more than a clean conscience.
I'm a concerned grandmother just like you are.
Although you look nothing like a grandmother.
Hispanic women have amazing skin.
Let's hope the baby gets my complexion.
What's it gettin' from you? I know that nothing can ever undo what my son did, but this child is part of my family.
He's gonna live with my family.
Your husband? My domestic partner.
Who is not actually related to the baby by blood.
No blood, but he's got the sweat and tears part down.
He's takin' real good care of my babies, and he'll do the same for Daya.
I want to adopt the child.
I'm up nights haunted I can't bear the thought of the baby winding up like Go ahead, say it.
Like her mother? Like George.
So you want to raise the baby so it don't turn out like the baby you raised? I have two other boys.
One is in dental school and the other is an art historian.
So you raised a sadist, a dentist and a homo.
Two sadists and a homo.
Okay, look you have every right to hate me and George but I can do right by this child.
I can offer love and attention and a certain lifestyle.
Money don't mean nothing to a child - No, but I - You're not listening.
To a child.
But my daughter can't be un-raped and she's gonna suffer bad emotionals her whole life.
We all are.
Well I know money could never make that right, but of course, I would want to help the mother of my grandchild in any way I could.
Perhaps on a monthly basis.
And the grandmother of your grandchild? Of course.
That's the team spirit.
Hey lady guards only.
Your mom is in visitation right now with Mendez's mother.
- What the fuck? - Yeah, did you know she was coming? - What are they talking about? - I don't know.
Lady Pornstache wrote me a letter.
She wanted to meet but I said no.
I mean, I didn't say nothing which means I said no.
Aleida must've written her.
Relax.
It's my baby, ours.
Aleida's just probably trying to shake her down.
Everything's gonna be fine.
I don't usually get to see this much of you all at once.
You like it? You're into big bellies? Listen up, ladies! Until every uniform in this prison is washed and re-washed you'll be wearing Office Depot's new fall line.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me! I ain't wearing that fucking paper shit.
That's my color.
I'm wearing it.
There is one maternity-sized paper suit.
I suggest you grab it before one of your plus-sized dorm-mates claims it for her food baby.
I asked you more than once to stay away from her and yet, with the whole dorm half-naked, here you are.
I'm writing you up, Bennett.
Mendez's mother is meeting with Aleida Diaz.
I don't care and neither should you.
That's my kid we're talking about here.
This is not 3 Men and a Baby.
You and Mendez are not Guttenberg and Selleck.
You are two morons and a ward of the state.
Let go.
Let go of the dream.
Mr.
Caputo.
One box per dorm.
That's all there was.
I can't walk around in my butt-bag panties and my granny bra.
There are more paper uniforms on their way.
And they'll get here when? Sometime soon hopefully.
Uh, be thankful the weather is nice.
- CO Bennett, make yourself useful.
- Sir? Go down to the storage room.
Don't come back until you find some uniforms or something uniform-like and disposable.
Sir.
Yes, sir.
Where's the S1? Corporal John Bennett reporting as ordered, Sergeant.
Care to let me in on the joke, Corporal Whoever-the-fuck-you-are? No disrespect, Sergeant.
Just ready to get in the shit.
Well, look at that, Goggles! Corporal America is here to save us from the ragheads.
Hooah! IA, fall in! Rifle.
You know, it's always the guy who thinks he's John Wayne McCain who shits his pants and needs rescuing.
But out here, we prefer to let the camel cowboys do the dying.
It's their goddamn country.
Look at you, all nicely starched.
I have a travel iron.
I smell a fobbit.
You know what a fobbit is? - I'm not - Not what I asked! Army hobbit.
Too chicken to leave his forward operating base.
You think this shitbag's a fobbit? Maybe.
Don't know but he's got the whitest teeth I've ever seen.
Sergeant, I am not a coward, and I'm sure as shit not sorry I'm squared away.
I'm here to soldier, save lives and get some.
Jesus.
What a cluster-knuckle.
Could this be our fault? - The new couch? - I did an inspection at the curb.
We're okay except for the mystery stain, but we febrezed.
If anybody asks anything it came from JC Penney.
Work line, cell block A, 10 minutes.
Bell, Hartford jail's got six boxes of paper suits they're willing to part with.
Cost me 300 pairs of tube socks I actually don't have, but that's a future me problem.
Have Doggett drive you and Maxwell after lunch.
Roger that.
Looks like it's spreading.
The only thing spreading is rumors.
It was an isolated event that's been isolated.
I forgot something in the office.
Uh-uh.
Walk.
That's right.
Just walk away, Renee.
What You smell like Arthur Avenue.
Whatever, okay? GloNo's makin' me bedbug-proof.
- GloNo? - Gloria and Norma.
Oh, hell no.
Hey, look, whatever you wanna call 'em, they for real, all right? Especially Norma.
She got that whole magic mute thing going on.
Look, and this makes sense, okay? Bedbugs drink our blood.
They're bugs, not Dracula.
And now that you been necklace shopping in Burritoville, you gettin' 'em for sure.
- Man, why they still makin' our food - Whatever.
when they're the infested ones? Oh, shit.
- Ew! - Why you No, it's protein.
Crunch.
It's all good.
Hey, you're scratching.
It ain't real, man.
It's a ghost itch.
- Mmm.
- Power of persuasion.
Power of you ain't take a shower in three days, that might be why you're scratching.
What you care? Poor personal hygiene can be a sign of depression.
Man, I ain't depressed.
Oh.
The line's been long in the showers since it started getting hot, but I been washing my pits, tits and naughty bits in the sink.
Well, thank you for that.
Look, you don't wanna be forced to take a shower like Asia Girl, don't get so ripe you go rotten.
All I'm saying.
Okay, maybe you got a point but it ain't bugs.
Man, come on, man.
Uh-uh! Forrest Gump seat's taken.
Yeah blackies only.
But I got just as much of a right to this seat as you do.
I mean, this place is full today - and you're discriminating me.
- Yes.
Rosa Parks could walk through that door, but she got bedbugs bitch, her ass going to the back of the bus same as you.
Who's gonna stop me, though now that your big-haired mammy's in hell, takin' Satan's three-pronged penis up her butt? - No! - Warren! - Man, chill out.
- Do I need to write you a shot? No, no, no, no, no.
She's good.
She just had a little too much spicy.
That's all.
Give me the potato now.
Give me the potato.
I got you.
You good.
- Yes.
- Sit down.
We good, Suzanne.
We good.
- We good.
- We good, Officer Bell.
We - I will potato her at a future time.
- I know.
Get your lunch to go, Doggett.
We got van duty.
Bitch, bye.
You not hungry? I'm not standing in that parade of tits and ass.
You secretly love this.
Some things are better left mysteries.
Do you wanna borrow my paper bottoms? Because I could rip them off and just give them to you.
Come on.
Give mama a smile! Do you remember what Kubra used to say? Uh-uh.
"A smile is like tight underwear.
- It lifts your cheeks.
" - "It lifts your cheeks.
" He's gonna kill me, you know.
Alex I really thought they would put him away and I'd be out Fuck, I'm fucking suffocating.
Alex, you will survive because it's what you do.
Yeah like a cockroach.
Maybe that's your spirit animal.
I know that you're trying to make me feel better, but really think about what you just said to me.
You know, they really get a bad rap.
They were the first animals to ever mate in space.
They live in tight colonies because they just love being touched and they can carry cigarettes.
They're bad bitches.
I can't be here right now.
I mean, seriously, what the fuck is going on? Man, it's like six early releases this month.
Yeah, bullshit sentences for minor drug crimes just aren't enforced like they used to be.
Speaking of minor drug crimes Our smack scheme is no minor offense.
Really? You couldn't come up with a code word or something for that? Fine.
Getting caught with that many Jujubes will get our candy asses kicked down to max for a decade.
No, we have come too close for you to puss out on me now.
I will smother you in your sleep.
Red concreted our shipping route.
All the coke kitties are getting out, and maybe, like, the universe is just trying to send us a message.
Bitch, please.
All those girls had no time left on their sentences.
That just ain't you or me, huh? Escort to infirmary.
Escort to infirmary.
We need the right Oompa Loompa to smuggle our sweets out of here.
You know what? Now you're just abusing the metaphor.
This is the last of it and if you ask me, this oatmeal should be for breakfast, not voodoo.
It's not abracadabra.
It's nature's anti-itch cream.
It's medicine.
So why you making it and not the infirmary? Good fucking question.
Dame.
Fuck.
Inmate, there've been complaints about moldy rice.
I need you to show me where you store it.
The fuck is this? An intervention? What were you doing talking to Mendez's mother? We're mutually-concerned grandparents.
She's not the grandmother.
- She might be.
- What is that supposed to mean? That's for me and my daughter to talk about.
- He's part of this.
- Yeah, I am.
Yeah? Okay, fine.
- She wants to adopt the baby.
- What? Shh! - Your job right now is to listen.
- To what? The only thing worse than Mendez raising that baby - is his mother doing it.
- Mmm-hmm.
That's what I said but it turns out she got two other kids.
One's a tooth doctor, the other's an artist, and they turned out real good.
- I'm not giving up my baby to nobody.
- That's also what I said but then she made some real good points.
- No, nothing she - Shh! Daya you got 37 months left on your sentence.
He can't do nothing or he'll go to jail, too.
Abuela is too old and Cesar's guaranteed to fuck up.
You remember your year in foster care? You want that for the baby? - That's not going to happen.
- Shh! Let her finish.
You're not actually considering this, are you? Aren't you? I'm not saying yes.
It just kind of makes sense.
Except for the part where the woman who raised a drug-dealing rapist named Pornstache adopts our child.
Have you ever even held a baby? Changed a diaper? You wanna make that kid live in a shithole with five other people? He can have his own bedroom.
Did you ever spend the night in a room by yourself? That baby could have a real life with money and clean towels and shit.
Look, Daya and I are happy, okay? You don't need towels for that.
Right? God damn it, Farzad! Look, it's only funny because the dudes are dancing.
Not her.
Understand? No.
Jesus.
Can somebody please get me a better Muslim over here? Let's try this again in five, ladies.
Don't sweat it, man.
This is just how Americans like to waste time.
Bad work? You were bad at being stupid.
That is a good thing.
You did good.
You did good.
What's wrong with them? Them, uh You all, uh boy-kiss-boy.
Fuck! This motherfucker Yeah, I see that.
Ugh, it's like ironic divine retribution.
We're stuck in our own spin cycle.
This paper suit keeps sticking to my sweaty parts.
Once, when my mother forgot to buy me a Halloween costume, she taped a bunch of old newspapers to me and said I should tell people I was a newsstand.
You know what we need? Bean leaves.
I got bedbugs at a sit-in for a Portland homeless shelter.
The conditions were appalling.
So we used bean leaves to trap the bedbugs and get rid of them.
I didn't know beans grew on leaves.
Oh, yeah, take it off.
Ooh! Excuse me, Mr.
Luschek.
We would like to make a formal petition for some bean leaves.
And maybe some extra washers.
People or machines, either one.
But really, bean leaves.
If you say "bean leaves" one more time, I'm going to punch you in the fuck hole.
One of the fuck holes.
How 'bout some fans instead? At least two of them work.
All yours.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to see you strain your ass, you know, sitting on that table.
I could probably think of a witty comeback if it wasn't so hot in here or I cared.
Hey, I hope you're not down here for any of that girl faggot shit.
Well, when you talk dirty to me like that Yeah, I know you've been sniffing around Angie's tree.
And you should know the only soggy box that interests me is mine, and all that goes in it are dicks and tampons and sometimes other things, but only guys can put those in.
Noted.
Although, when you call it your soggy box, you know, it makes it really hard to resist.
Hey, how come all the guards get to wear real clothes? We're exempt.
Do the bedbugs know that? You wash our uniforms every day.
Shit! Whoa! Whoa! Luschek! It's like undressing in front of my dog.
I need you to wash these right now.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Sleepy-time tea.
A little spray here A little spray there Ooh, little spray in my underwear Makes the buggies back off Ooh, makes the buggies piss off Makes the buggies back way the fuck Tssh! Tssh! Way the fuck off This is, like, the Titanic of bad ideas.
Like, we're steerin' out the way of bedbugs and crashin' into an iceberg of chemical burns and shit.
Please.
My Grammy used to douche with disinfectant.
- The trick is to imagine the bugs - Lybol? being bugged by you.
You can't give away your power.
Like you almost did at lunch? Look, you can't be getting' all crazy every time that somebody talks about Vee.
But did you hear that slattern? Look, that business about a tri-penis, unacceptable.
That warrants a severe response.
Man, you fuck up an ofay with a spork, you angry enough.
No, Vee would have defended me if vice were versa.
Okay, even if that was true, which it definitely is not, you're one shot away from being a puddle of black drool in the psych.
You need to check yourself.
- Back off.
- Did you mean to spray that on your skin? Yes.
Because in general, when a bottle reads "caution" and "warning," it might not be the best idea.
Man, see? I knew this was a bad idea, you telling me to clean with your grandma's douche.
Someone's grandma douches with disinfectant? Man, this was the pill before there was a pill.
It's cheaper than condoms and make your coochie crack smell like lemon fresh.
I'm for real.
Look that shit up.
It couldn't have worked too well because, you know, well, you're here.
Man, uh When did our bathroom become gentrified? Since the Spanish became patient zero for bedbugs.
Mmm.
This isn't social hour, ladies.
Unless you're working, out.
Everybody out.
I gave you an order, inmate.
I I need permission to use the toilet? - May I relieve myself, teacher? - Excuse me? - Alex - That's a shot.
What? There are girls spraying themselves with disinfectant because this prison is swarming with bugs, but pissing is a violation? Great.
I'm glad you have your priorities straight.
- Where are the fucking fumigators? - Lower your voice, inmate.
Are they too worried to kill the bedbugs because they'll kill the cockroaches, too? - Are you calling me a cockroach? - It's okay.
They get a bad rap.
Alex.
You're going to seg, inmate.
Alex! No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You know that this isn't her.
She's just back here after having been out.
- You want a shot, too, Chapman? - Will it keep her out of SHU? Please.
Come on.
Hey, haven't you ever had a bad day? Like, a really really bad day? Disobeying a staff member, insolence to a staff member.
That's two shots, Vause.
Alex.
How am I back here, Piper? How could I let myself get back here? Alex, it's not your fault.
And they call me crazy.
Oh, my God! We will probably never be rich and we'll most likely live in a place that's not that big, but we'll work hard and we'll love each other and we'll find so much happiness that we won't even know what to do with it.
We'll share it with our kid.
Our kids.
Will you marry me? The ring is temporary.
- Uh my leg.
- Okay.
I love you so much.
We still gotta be careful for now.
Hey, you know, I think you need to be in an enclosed space for that to work.
I'm blasting the heater to kill any bedbugs inside.
Hey, Luschek, let me ask you a question.
You like candy, right? Body by Butterfinger.
I'm speaking allegorically here.
You wanna talk about Al Gore? Oh, Jesus.
Okay.
Hey, listen, all right? Focus.
Let's say I happen to have a Costco-sized box of candy, right? And I I fuckin' love candy, but I can't eat it anymore because, you know, it ruined my life, it gave me cavities, I am in Candy Eaters Anonymous now, eh? So I gotta get rid of it, yeah? Like, out-of-the-prison rid of it.
I've got a shit-ton of heroin I need you to sell.
- Are you out of your mind, inmate? - Hey.
You're asking me to sell narcotics? I'm a Federal Corrections Officer.
All right, let's go.
- We're gonna go to Caputo's office - No! you're gonna tell him exactly what you told me, every word, even that weird Al Gore thing.
Okay, look, Luschek, you must've misunderstood me, all right? I'm fucking with you.
Of course I'll sell it.
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Man, come on.
You know I got a bad heart.
You can't do that shit to me, man.
I want, uh 80%.
Of the drugs or the money? You're not supposed to be back here.
Yeah, I know, but I got this.
- You slept with it? - Yeah.
- Said the Lord's Prayer? - Mmm-hmm.
Okay, good.
Evil eye is off of you.
Don't you gotta break it or some shit? I'll break it in the morning when I cook it.
What? But you can't feed somebody my problems! What what if I eat it back? You as likely to eat somebody's hormone imbalance, cheating husband or diarrhea.
Listen if it makes you nervous, skip breakfast.
That ain't right, yo.
I'm trying here.
Well, I had to use all the oatmeal on people's itches which means that more people are eating eggs which means that your egg gets cooked.
Thanks.
I'm literally garbage.
I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Oh, chin up, kibun.
You'll think of the right lie.
What was that about? I told her that her restaurant was a booming success.
And? And it has been shuttered for months.
Mmm.
That's fucked up.
I was trying to be nice.
She was so happy when I lied.
Delusion can be very comforting.
Right? The best part of my time here was when I thought somebody else had named me as a co-conspirator.
It was like the universe had just brought us back together.
And then you realized that I was the asshole who named you.
No.
I mean, yes, you did and that sucked but for a while, ignorance was bliss.
Getting all of our shit out on the table, being totally, brutally honest about all the fucked-up things we've done, and then deciding to still like each other, that is an amazing thing.
Resiliency of the human spirit and all of that.
So much better than ignorance.
Seriously.
What? What is it, Piper? I, um had a friend call Davy Crockett and tell him that you had violated your parole.
You called my probation officer? You kept saying that you were in danger.
- Bullshit.
- And I was just trying to protect you.
That is bullshit and you know it.
Just more bullshit! I'm so, so, so, so sorry but now, see, all of our shit is just right out on the table and we can decide to like each other You're a fucking psycho! and you can stop blaming yourself for being in here.
And start blaming you? Because that's what I'm supposed to do now, right? So you can keep control over whatever this is.
Control? Alex, you were having a nervous breakdown.
Which wasn't hot for you, was it? Depressives are bummer fuck-buddies.
Can't have that.
God, you're such a manipulative cunt! You're gonna have to burn 'em.
We're not burning any books.
This is not Nuremberg.
And I'm not that kind of exterminator, but facts is facts.
Am I allowed to interact with them? They are people.
Yeah.
Can I see a couple of those? Yeah, that's Rats of NIMH.
It's, like, my top five.
I cried like a baby when Jenner died.
You can't burn that.
Man, this broke-ass prison will never replace 'em.
- You can't do this.
- Calm down.
We're not replacing any books 'cause we're not losing any.
Isn't that right, Dan? - Bedbug.
- What? Man, that ain't no bedbug.
That's a muffin crumb.
Well, how you gonna tell the expert what that is? Ain't like I'm not an expert at muffins.
The thing about these bastards is once they're in, the only way to get 'em out is to wipe out their nooks and crannies.
You can't just spray some stuff in here? Steam the books or something? I'm telling you, it ain't a bedbug.
What you think, Mr.
Caputo? You're 100% sure? How sure are you that that's a muffin crumb? - Like, 90%.
- Oh? Well, that wins out.
You wanna be sure? Have at it.
- Jefferson - T You didn't! Jesus.
I'm down to, like, 50-50.
Shit.
Who are you? Uh, sorry, I'm looking for Cesar.
- Cesar! - What? Some white boy here.
Baby daddy! Que pasó? Daya and Aleida okay? Yeah.
Yeah, no, great.
I, um You said to stop by sometime, so here I am.
Also, I brought this gift for Lucy.
And, uh I proposed to Daya, actually.
No fucking way! Get in here! Homeboy stepping up to the plate! Margarita, listen to this.
How'd you do it? Did you get her a ring? Uh, I made it, actually, out of gum wrappers.
Gum was how we met, so Babe.
Babe! What's up? Dinner! Dude, you need to get her a real ring.
Yeah, no, definitely.
I just, um I mean, she can't have it in prison, though, 'cause she'll get, you know, shanked for it.
My boss will ask me where she got it, or But I think the gum ring is fine for now.
Hey, who's who's that? I'm a daddy again! And I know you ain't gonna say shit to Aleida, right? Or do I have to bribe you with, like, movies and candies like I do with them? How many times Look! Look what you did.
You broke this shit! Hi.
You're Lucy, right? I'm Lucy.
Oh, sorry.
Happy birthday! Dayanara asked me to bring you this.
Is it a Barbie? Well, I guess you'll have to open it and find out.
No, it's not a Barbie, but it's cool.
Dinner, bitches.
That was fast.
Yeah, leftovers from Storky's.
Hey, I should probably get going.
I just wanted to drop off the thing and tell you the good news.
Nice try, homeboy.
You're staying for dinner.
Oh, Mitch, good to see you.
Wish it were under better circumstances.
Yeah, well, could be worse.
Fig could still be here.
I really liked her.
The early releases should have saved you enough money to handle the infestation situation without any additional funding.
I've made several cost-cutting measures myself, and that includes the new mattresses which I noticed weren't factored into your budget.
Because they weren't approved.
They were approved.
They have to be.
We're burning 'em right now, Mitch.
Burning, yes, fine.
But we're not going to replace hundreds of mattresses only to get rid of them again in two months.
Why would we get rid of the mattresses in two months? No one told you.
Holy shit.
Holy shit! That's the reason for the early releases.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how you weren't informed.
The warden must've forgot to ring me in between rounds of golf.
None of this reflects badly on you.
Your name is actually being mentioned quite favorably.
There's a good chance you'll get a transfer.
And everybody else? How long do we have? The prisoners should all be relocated by the 20th.
They're officially closing the prison the 30th.
Eat your French fries, puto.
I'm not hungry for vegetables.
- Hey! - Oh! Pero listen to you.
Don't you talk to him that way.
He pays your rent.
That's right.
So you gotta listen to what I say because otherwise, there'll be behavioral consequences.
Man, when you put 'em in the microwave, they get disgusting! I'm not eating 'em.
Whoa! Hey, now! Hey! Whoa.
Margarita brought you French fries.
You better get fuckin' hungry real quick.
Emiliano, do me a favor.
Get the fuck out of my face.
I know I look strict, right? But secretly, deep down inside, they're just happy that there's actually an adult in charge.
Sit down, sit down.
Eat, eat.
Impact target 30 seconds from flash.
Repeat.
Impact target is 30 seconds from flash.
Not a bad first combat tour, huh, Bennett? Yeah, cleaning porta-johns and dancing like a rent boy while Skynet does all the fun stuff.
Aw, come on now.
You know the biggest bombs in the whole war get dropped in the porta-johns.
Ha-ha.
Yeah, maybe I'll get a medal for most excellent shit-soldier.
Lock it up.
Eat your motherfucking ice cream because we're about to deliver some serious freedom through their skulls.
You have target confirmed.
Go to fire.
- Three, two, one.
Kaboom.
- Oh, shit! Fuck, yeah, bro! Bomb! Have bomb! Bomb! Them! No, no! It's not him! Grenade! Bennett, kick it out! Fuck! Clear out! Yeah, come in.
I need to add my lawyer to my visitation list.
You having problems with your case? No.
And please take my husband off my list.
Why don't you have a seat, Red? I won't be staying, but thank you.
Please sit.
The mail cart is going around.
All letters are subject to inspection.
You want to tell me what's going on? I married a pillow.
Soft, lumpy, and always lying behind my back.
Words like "always" are absolutes and using them is a way to reinforce what we wanna believe.
When speaking emotionally absolutes can be dangerous.
Good advice.
Thank you.
Please add my lawyer and remove my husband.
You know, Red marriage is a two-way street.
And you can't swim without getting wet.
See? I can say clichés, too.
Ha! You owe it to your younger self to explore those things that made you wanna marry this man in the first place.
You may find that they're still there.
I owe my younger self 23 years of wild sex with multiple partners, but I'll settle for my name back.
You made a lifelong commitment.
That's sacred.
You don't know my story, Healy, and you don't know what he's done.
_ Hey! Language! I know what that word means, and it's not okay to refer to your husband or any other man that way.
You know, you huff in here like some put-upon martyr like a smile would break your face, trivializing a man's emotions.
What is that? Some kind of a Russian thing or something? - What the hell does that - Hey! Language! Again! That's the last time that I'm gonna warn you, Mrs.
Reznikov.
You forget where you are just like you forget that your husband has a stake in this, too.
Just because he made some mistakes doesn't mean that you can run off and go sleep in your mother's room at the first sign of white caps on the ocean.
- You know, this is a bad fuckin' plan.
- It's a great fuckin' plan.
Drugs in the tool belt, tool belt to Luschek, Luschek to the streets, money.
Don't overthink it.
You know, I missed the part where you contribute.
I am the fairy godmother who watches over you to make sure that the plan doesn't go up your cute little nose.
Great.
Finally I get a mother who gives a shit about me and it's bibbity-bobbity Big Boo.
- Uh, Boo? - Huh? We've got a problem.
Someone stole our candy.
Oh! Fuck! All right, that's the last of the E-Dorm mattresses, Mr.
Caputo.
No books.
We're gonna try to salvage those.
Are you kidding me? - Doesn't matter.
- What's that? Doesn't matter.
So, I'm confused.
They're from that bush in the yard by the greenhouse.
They're not bean leaves, but they have, like, pods on them, so I thought maybe they Are you sleeping? You know you can't actually feel the bites.
Bedbug saliva contains a substance that acts as a mild anesthetic.
It's in your head.
I should sleep without a mattress more often.
It's good for my back.
If you feel like that's the right thing to do then you should absolutely do it.
Still trying to preserve my kibun? I told Alex the truth about something today and she told me that I was a manipulative She told me I was manipulative.
I lie I get in trouble.
I truth I get in trouble.
I can't do anything right.
What are you asking for? Advice? Here's some.
Stop buying into your own horseshit.
You tell me I'm scratching is my imagination? Look around.
The prison is crawling.
You can tell everyone they can't feel it all night long, but in the morning, we've all been a bug buffet.
Just stop trying to mold the real world into the one inside your pointy blonde head.
Maybe I am manipulative.
From what I've seen to get what you want while telling everyone how clean you are you play dirty.
You just described my mother.
She's a kibun ninja or whatever the Korean version of "ninja" is and then the WASP version of that.
Awaken your inner Russian.
No more bullshit.
Na zdorovie.
The world is better in black and white and red.
That's my favorite Daya story.
What is it? What, you bang her and you don't know her quinceañera story? She tells that story to everybody.
Aleida got wasted and she tripped and fell on the birthday cake and the candles lit her dress on fire but you gotta hear the way Daya tells it.
I ain't gonna lie, man.
This shit ain't easy.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go it alone for a while.
Nah, nah, nah.
You get yourself a little side of bacon like Margarita.
That's what women are made for.
That used to be Daya's crib and all the other little scrubs, too.
It's nothing fancy, but, uh it's got a lot of good luck.
Buena suerte.
I want you to have it, man.
What about her? We'll get her something else.
It's for Aleida's family.
Salud! Margarita! Yeah? Six months old, but she shits like a human.
Good morning, ladies.
Additional linen uniforms are now available.
If you are a small or an extra small, first come, first serve.
You bitch! Fuck you, Alex! Fuck you! by CookiesMonsta