The Simpsons s08e01 Episode Script

Hmm.
[Yelps, Screams.]
[Continues Screaming.]
Ah.
- [Clattering.]
- [Person Moans.]
[Footsteps Running.]
- Did you hear that, Bart? - Maybe it was just the cat.
- No, she's sleeping with me.
- [Meows.]
- [Clattering.]
- [Person Muttering.]
Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night? Attic? Oh, that's silly.
[Laughing Loudly.]
Seriously, though, don't ever go up there.
Homer, isn't it about time for the you know.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll go feed it.
## [Singing Novelty Song.]
## [Whistling.]
- [Water Splatters.]
- [Person Munching, Chewing.]
- [Homer Shudders.]
- [Chewing Continues.]
[Clattering.]
- [Person Growls.]
- [Whimpering.]
- What's up there? - Yeah, is it a monster? What's the secret? No more questions.
I work my butt off to feed you four kids, and all you do is- - What? - Three.
We have three kids, Homer.
Yeah.
Three nosy kids.
And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions? - No, what? What does happen? Huh? - Does something happen to nosy kids who ask questions? Hurry up.
Mom and Dad'll be home soon.
[Bart Yelps, Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
The unsold copies of Dad's autobiography.
Oh, my God, Bart.
Look! [Gasps.]
[Both Whimpering.]
[Chortling.]
[Both Yelling.]
[Lisa, Muffled.]
Bart, do you think it's safe? [Bart, Muffled.]
I don't care.
I can't breathe in here.
[All Gasping.]
See, Marge? Who needs a car wash when you can just drive around in the rain? [Together.]
Mom, Dad, we saw something in the attic! You went into the attic? [Gasps.]
I'm very disappointed and terrified.
Oh, my God, Marge.
It's escaped! [All Gasp.]
- [Running Footsteps.]
- [Thunderclap.]
Yes, Doctor.
It's what we've always feared: It's loose.
Hugo is loose! See ya soon.
- Hmm? - Who or what is Hugo? Hmm.
I'm afraid we haven't been entirely honest with you, Bart.
- You see, you have a brother.
- So I have two brothers? Lisa, please! Yes, Bart.
You have a twin brother.
You see, when you were born, there was an irregularity.
- A monstrous irregularity.
- [Thunderclap.]
[Both Yelp.]
Yes.
I remember Bart's birth well.
You don't forget a thing like Siamese twins! I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins.
" And hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil," but it ain't gonna happen.
Now, normally, the birth of Siamese twins is a joyous occasion but unfortunately, one of them was pure evil.
- [Chomping Continues.]
- I think I'll bottle-feed that one.
[Dr.
Hibbert Narrating.]
A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil.
It was then I knew the only option was to separate you two immediately.
You'll both need to sign these.
[Chuckles.]
[Dr.
Hibbert Narrating.]
But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town.
The child was an outcast.
So we did the only humane thing.
We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
- It saved our marriage.
- You expect me to believe all this? If any of it was true, wouldn't I have a big, hideous scar- [Yelps.]
We've got to find Hugo.
We'll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to.
- I'll start with Radio Shack.
- Right.
Bart, you stay home and tape the hockey game.
- [Heavy Chain Rattles.]
- [Hugo Groans.]
You're here, aren't you? Yes, Bart.
I never left you.
- Wh-What do you want from me? - You'll see after the surgery.
- [Screams.]
- [Thunderclap.]
- You're crazy.
- Am I? Well, perhaps we're all a little crazy.
I know I am.
I went mad after they tore us apart, but I'll be sane once I sew us back together.
- But you'll kill both of us.
- No.
It's easy.
Look.
I've been practicing.
I made a pigeon-rat.
- Let's get started.
You wanna be on the right or the left? - [Yelps.]
- Hugo, stop! - Huh? [Chuckles.]
There, there, Hugo.
I understand.
All those years caged up in here- Why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? - Here.
- Hmm? We think we saw Hugo at the airport.
He was boarding a plane to Switzerland, and- Oh.
You know, isn't it interesting how the left, or "sinister," twin is invariably the evil one? I had this theory that- Wait a minute.
Hugo's scar is on the wrong side.
He couldn't have been the evil, left twin.
That means the evil twin is and always has been Bart.
Oh, don't look so shocked.
W-Well, chalk this one up to carelessness on my part.
But I think there's a way to set everything right.
[Chuckling.]
Care for a drumstick, Hugo? - Mom, Hugo's eating his napkin.
- [All Laughing.]
- He's so cute.
- Ah, he's a cute guy.
- Hey, can I have some turkey? - Oh, you finish your fish heads, then we'll talk.
This tooth will be perfect for my science project.
Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol and Chinese food but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone.
Hey, Lise, check out my science project.
- [Static Crackles.]
- Ow.
What's that supposed to prove? - That nerds conduct electricity.
- Ow! [Laughs.]
- [Static Crackles.]
- Ow! Stupid Bart.
[Crackling Continues.]
[Birds Chirping.]
Oh, boy.
Mold! That's science-fair pay dirt.
Hmm, looks about the same.
Ah.
Whoa.
[Gasps.]
Tiny little people! My God! I've created life.
[Marge.]
Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles.
Ooh, waffles.
Hey, these aren't waffles.
These are just square pancakes.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
The waffle iron's in the shop.
That waffle iron's been in the shop forever.
So, how are my little Stone Age tub dwellers? Oh, my gosh.
They're evolving so quickly.
They've already reached the Renaissance.
Wait.
One of them is nailing something to the door of the cathedral.
[Gasps.]
I've created Lutherans.
[Electricity Humming, Crackling.]
Wow.
It's almost like seeing into the future.
Hey, what is this goo? You tryin' to grow a friend? Hey, you built a model city.
Is that the school? - Whoops, my finger slipped.
Whoops, my finger slipped.
- [Crunching.]
- Whoops, my finger slipped.
- Bart! Stop it! [Laughing.]
- [Sirens Wailing.]
- [People Screaming.]
Oh! My poor little guys.
That Bart is so rude.
[Snoring.]
[Rocket Engine Blasts, Whines.]
[Explosion.]
- What the heck? Ah! Ow! - [Lasers Firing.]
- [Bart Grunting.]
- [Laser Fire Continues.]
[Groans.]
[Growls.]
- Your micro-jerks attacked me.
- Well, ya practically destroyed their whole world.
You can't protect them every second.
Sooner or later you'll let your guard down and then, flush, it's toilet time for Tiny Town.
- [Sighs.]
- [Electrical Oscillating.]
- [Sighs.]
- [Electrical Oscillating.]
[Yelps.]
[Grunts.]
It worked! The debigulator worked! - ## [Horn Fanfare.]
- [Crowd, Together.]
Hail Lisa.
Welcome to our world, most gracious Lisa.
Your world is incredible, and you speak English.
We have listened to you speak since the dawn of time, O Creator and we have learned to "imitoot" you "exortly.
" - [Lisa.]
You think I'm God? - But of course.
You look down on us from heaven.
You gave us life, and only your divine intervention can save us from the devil.
- The devil? What devil? - The one you call "Bart.
" [All Shuddering, Whimpering.]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
Bart's just my brother.
The devil is your brother? [All Gasp, Murmuring.]
I must say, we find that quite perplexing.
Uh, God? Hi.
Bill Watson.
I, uh, live in the clock building.
I have a question.
If you're so good, why do you allow bad things to happen? Why am I so fat? - Why do bad things happen to good people? - [Crowd Clamoring.]
Listen.
I can take care of everything.
All you have to do is un-shrink me.
Un-shrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a "rebigulator" which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, bleh- Ah, but not at you, O Holiest of Gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance and the blood rain and the "Hey, hey, hey, it hurts me.
" - Look! The destroyer! He returns! - [Heavy Footsteps.]
- [Crowd Yelling.]
- Help! - [Yelling Continues.]
- Bart! No! First-rate work, Bart.
This universe you've created is even more impressive than Martin's milk carton ukulele.
Willie, you can throw out the other projects.
We have a winner.
[Children Groaning.]
Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe.
Give me the gift certificate! Ah, great.
Stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.
- Shouldn't you people be groveling? - [Crowd Affirming.]
And bring me some shoes- nice ones.
[Man.]
She'll want socks too.
I'll get socks.
Ahhh, the old fishin' hole.
So peaceful and relaxing- doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish.
[Sighs.]
Come on, you stupid fish.
Take the bait! Don't make me come down there! - [Heavy Switch Bangs.]
- Huh? What the-Who's the- Son of a- [Muffled Yells.]
Oh, my God.
Space aliens.
- Don't eat me.
I have a wife and kids.
Eat them! - Silence! We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet whose name we'd prefer not to mention.
My name is Kang - and this is my sister, Kodos.
- Hello.
[Gulps.]
I suppose you wanna probe me.
Well, might as well get it over with.
Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
This is a mission of conquest.
Take us to your leader.
Well, I guess you mean President Clinton.
- [Zipper Zips.]
- He usually hangs around Washington, D.
C.
President Clin-ton.
Excellent.
Except, um, there's this election next week so after that, it might not be him anymore.
It might be what's his name, um, MumblyJoe, uh- I saw him on TV the other- uh, Bob Dole! Hmm.
An election.
That complicates matters.
Set grid coordinates for Bob Dole.
- Well, night, everybody.
- Good luck, Mr.
Dole.
- Good luck next week.
- What? Uh, Bob Dole doesn't need this.
[Crashes.]
Wh-Wh-Wha-What's happenin'? Is it noon already? Ah! What the hell is this? Some kind of tube? Hey- [Gurgles.]
Well, thanks for takin' care of Dole for me.
- Hey! [Gurgles.]
- [Whimpers.]
Commence bio-duplication.
Oh, no.
Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies- Oh, my God, Lyndon LaRouche was right! What? Are you still here? I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you.
[Gurgling.]
What are you spraying me with? Rum- so no one will believe your story! - [Yelps.]
- And don't come back.
[Yells, Grunts.]
Kent Brockman here with "Campaign '96: America Flips a Coin.
" At an appearance this morning, President Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie.
I am Clin-ton.
As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands.
End communication.
That's Slick Willie for you- always with the smooth talk.
Marge! Marge! There I was.
I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen when I was abducted by a flying saucer! Sure you were, rummy.
[Gasps.]
That's one of the creatures! Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton? It makes no difference which one of us you vote for.
Either way, your planet is doomed.
Doomed! Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole.
These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.
I've got to stop them.
Ladies and gentlemen, - [Crowd Cheers.]
- Abortions for all.
[Crowd Booing, Hissing.]
Very well.
No abortions for anyone.
[Crowd Booing, Hissing.]
Hmm.
Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
[Crowd Cheers.]
Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
Yes.
All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.
Uh, Mr.
President, sir people are becoming a bit confused by the way you and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
We are merely exchanging long protein strings.
If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
- My fellow Americans- - [Crowd Cheers.]
as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball.
But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward upward, not forward and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! [Cheering.]
Stop! Those candidates are phonies! - [Crowd Gasps, Murmurs.]
- [Marge Groans.]
You heard me.
They're alien replicons from beyond the moon! - [Crowd Scoffing.]
- [Man.]
Yeah, right, pal.
Don't forget your stinkin' flag.
Oh, why won't anyone believe my crazy story? [Grunts.]
- [Metallic Clang.]
- Ow! [Muffled Swearing.]
[Gasps.]
Hold on, guys.
I'll help ya.
Oh, no.
Am I still here? I don't wanna serve out my term naked in a tube.
I am so mad at the Secret Service right now.
- Hey, who the hell are you? - I'm Homer Simpson, sir and I'm gonna get you back to Washington before it's too late.
You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think.
Partisan politics are tearing our country apart.
You got a point there, Bill.
If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas we're gonna have to set aside our differences.
Together we can lead America into a new golden age.
Friend, you got a deal.
Homer, let us out.
It's time to tear those aliens a third corn chute.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
[Muttering.]
Uh, there.
- [Air Hissing.]
- D'oh! [No Audible Dialogue.]
Oh, no.
What have I done? - What am I doing? What will I do? - [Engines Power Up, Blast.]
The politics of failure have failed.
We need to make them work again.
Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka- - Bob Dole! - [Mild Applause.]
I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.
- [Mild Applause.]
- [Engine Approaching.]
[Footsteps Running.]
America, take a good look at your beloved candidates.
They're nothing but hideous space reptiles.
[Crowd Gasping, Screaming.]
It's true.
We are aliens, but what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system.
You have to vote for one of us.
- He's right.
This is a two-party system.
- [Crowd Murmuring.]
Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Go ahead.
Throw your vote away.
[Both Chortling.]
- [Chortling Continues.]
- [Crowd Murmuring.]
All hail President Kang! Ow! I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.
Don't blame me.
I voted for Kodos.
D'oh! ## [Theremin: "Hail to the Chief".]
[Woman Screams.]