South Park s00e47 Episode Script

1
MTV. ♪
Are you still here?
You need to get going.
I can't get going. I told
you I don't feel well.
What's the matter now?
Oh, nothing, I just had
explosive fucking diarrhea all night
because you decided
to get us KFC for dinner.
You have KFC all the time.
Yeah, and I have diarrhea all the time!
You're not staying home all day
and playing Baldur's Gate 3.
- Now let's go.
- Ugh!
Have a good day at school, sweetie.
Fuck you, Mom!
This is bullshit.
How do you get your mom
arrested for child abuse?
She wouldn't let you stay home
and play Baldur's Gate 3,
huh, fat ass?
Who you callin' fat, you heathen bitch?
Dude, you don't wanna miss school today.
Clyde said he's gonna fart
on Tammy Mullins during P.E.
Tammy Mullins has
sweet fucking knockers.
Dude, Kenny, enough
about Tammy's knockers!
You sound like a white male trying to
re-establish the patriarchy.
(SCREAMING)
Eric, it's okay.
- It's okay.
- Mom! Mom!
I had a dream that
I was replaced by a diverse woman!
Oh, not again.
Yeah, only this time, it wasn't just me.
They were taking all my favorite
people and replacing them
with diverse women complaining
about the patriarchy.
Will you check under
the bed and make sure
there's no Disney executives
under there?
- I promise there's not.
- I'm scared, Mom!
Will you please just look and
make sure Kathleen Kennedy
isn't under my bed?
Kathleen Kennedy is not under your bed.
Can you check the closet?
Eric, enough.
I've told you there's no such
thing as Disney executives
who replace everyone you love
with diverse women
who complain about the patriarchy.
Now be a big boy.
It's-it's not real.
It's it's not real.
♪
(ROOSTER CROWS)
- Get up!
- (YELLS)
Come on, Stan, get up. Let's go.
- What, Dad?
- Downstairs.
Let's go. I'm sick of this shit.
Okay.
It has come to my attention lately that
young people today
don't know how to do shit.
You got your phones and your AI
and you kids haven't
learned to be able
to actually do anything.
So we're going to take this morning to
learn how to fix something.
You see this?
See this? The oven door isn't working.
It's falling off the hinges.
So what do we do?
Shelley?
I don't know.
It's very simple.
You gotta make the hinges tighter
so the oven door's more secure.
So what you do is
you take out your phone
and you call the handyman.
(LINE RINGING)
HANDYMAN (OVER PHONE): Hello?
Hello. It's Randy Marsh.
My oven door is not working.
Please come fix it.
Now we rest until the handyman comes.
(TOOL CLICKING)
Are you following this at all, guys?
- Is this seeping in?
- Nope.
No, it looks like the screws
are totally stripped.
What does that mean? What's wrong?
Can't get 'er fixed
right now, I gotta get
some different washers
at the Home Depot.
Okay, do that.
Can't do it right now, I gotta get
over to Stephen Stotch's house
and install his closet shelves.
Okay, see, kids, this happens sometimes
but handymen don't make a lot
of money, so here's what you do.
Oh, okay, I will pay you
an extra 30 bucks
if you fix my oven now.
Yeah, sorry, but Stotch already
gave me an extra 50 bucks.
I will pay you an extra 55 bucks.
Randy, did you fix the oven door yet?
I'm working on it!
Look, please.
Whatever you want.
I'll throw in a six-pack
of beer and you can get drunk.
I don't need your trivial
little perks anymore, Marsh.
I got work comin'
out my ears. It's like
I don't know, it's like nobody knows
how to do shit anymore.
You're You're just gonna leave?
I'll pay a different handyman.
Yeah, go for it, buddy,
I got so much money I don't care.
What the hell is going on?
All right, just try to relax.
Take a deep breath.
(INHALES) Now tell me exactly
what it is you're afraid of.
I keep having the same dream.
Everywhere I look,
people are being replaced.
Okay. And who do you think
is going to have you replaced?
Them. The puppet masters.
The last time I had the dream,
I was, I was walking
down the school hallway
♪
And then I see Butters, and he's like
(CARTMAN'S VOICE):
Hey, Eric! You wanna see
what my mom packed me for lunch?
And that's when I start to notice
that something's wrong.
Everyone I cared about
has been systematically replaced.
And finally I want to scream
and I'm like
Why are they replacing
every single character
with someone who is diverse?
- But then Kenny's like
- (CARTMAN'S VOICE): It's not
our fault, it's 'cause of
Kathleen Kennedy.
But then Kathleen Kennedy's just like
Fuck it! Make it more lame.
CARTMAN: And everyone in town is like,
"No, please, Kathleen Kennedy,
stop ruining everything".
But Kathleen Kennedy is all like
Put another gay diverse woman in it.
Make it more fucking lame.
And Disney stock just keeps
going down and down and down!
And then Bob Iger is all like
(CARTMAN'S VOICE): No! No!
What's going on with my stocks?
No, Kathleen Kennedy!
(SCREAMING)
Oh. It happened again, didn't it?
Okay, Eric, I think I know
what's going on here.
Your fears aren't about Disney
replacing everything you love.
What everyone is afraid of these
days is being replaced by AI.
- AI?
- But you don't need
to worry, Eric.
As long as you work hard
and stay in school,
you can make something of yourself.
Become an elite worker like
I did that AI can't replace.
You're a therapist and the best thing
you have to tell me is "stay in school"?
You're in control of your future, Eric.
You just need to ask yourself,
"Who will be the people
still making money
in the AI-driven future?"
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
What the What the fuck?
(TOOL CLICKING)
Could you hurry it up, please?
I kind of need to get back to work.
Yep, well, looks like
you got a short in the outlet there.
I'd have to get a new outlet
at Home Depot.
I can probably come
change it on the 28th.
28th? No, no, no, look.
I'll give you a hundred bucks
to get this done today.
I already got a feller
giving me thousands
to fix his toilet this afternoon.
Thousands? I can't afford that.
Free therapy sessions.
How about we trade?
You do the handiwork for me.
And I'll give you five
free therapy sessions!
Oh, no, thanks.
I do all my therapy
on the AI Freudbot app.
ANNOUNCER: This is
South Park Breaking News.
Shocking developments
in the country today,
it appears that nobody knows
how to do shit anymore.
Our own Chris Martins
is live on the scene.
Tom, I'm standing in my
bathroom where the new
tile for my shower
has yet to be installed.
As you can see, the tile has
started to peel off in places.
Now the handyman was supposed
to come days ago to fix it
but he claims to have better offers
from other white-collar workers
like me whose practical
know-how has atrophied.
It appears we've all screwed ourselves
by relying on technology and AI.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Hey, Siri,
how do you fix a broken oven door?
SIRI: Here's what I found
from reference.com.
Undo any screws that
hold the hinges in position,
pull the door upward and then outwards
to detach hinges from the oven.
Insert the new hinge
into the hinge holes
and secure the hinges with screws.
Hey, Siri, okay, can you do that for me?
Can I do what for you?
Can you fix my oven door for me?
It's broken.
I cannot do that because
I do not have arms.
You will need to call a handyman.
The handyman isn't available.
He's all, like, rich now
and I fucking rely on him to
keep everything working here!
I am unable to fix an oven door.
Oh, well, hey, Siri, I thought
AI was supposed to be
this amazing scary advancement
that could, like, do anything.
Hey, Randy, the oven door in the kitchen
- still isn't
- I am working on it!
Hey, Siri, all the handymen are rich
and I can't afford them anymore
so what do I do?
Perhaps you could find
an unlicensed worker
who does small day jobs for cash.
You mean like those
broke-ass illegal immigrants
down at Home Depot?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have said it that way.
Hey, Siri, you mean like those
broke-ass illegal immigrants
down at Home Depot?
Yes. There are often
people sitting out front
of Home Depot waiting
to be hired for work.
Yeah. Those guys!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Hey, Kenny, can we talk to you?
Sure, guys, what's up?
Well, Clyde says that you
told Tammy Mullins
he was gonna fart on her in P.E.
so she didn't show up.
Yeah, I might have told her.
Well, Kenny, everyone was really
looking forward to that.
Why did you ruin it?
I told you guys I think Tammy Mullins
- has sweet fucking knockers.
- CARTMAN: You guys!
You guys! Something super crazy
is happening, you guys.
You went on a diet?
This is serious, Kyle!
At first they were just dreams,
but now I feel like
I'm actually changing.
Why would I be having visions
that I'm a diverse woman?
Because you're a fat,
racist piece of shit.
Goddamn it, I'm not fat.
I'm just shamed for my body
in a world where white men
decide what's beautiful.
(GASPS) What the fuck was that?!
Why would I say that?
I don't say that. You see?!
This is happening
to all of us, you guys.
You might think everything is okay.
But Disney is gonna get ya.
Kathleen Kennedy's gonna get ya.
Disney and Kathleen Kennedy
are gonna get ya!
(SCREAMING)
I don't think that what I'm
experiencing are dreams.
I think that what I'm
seeing are windows
into alternate universes.
Yeah, okay, I'm out.
It's true, Kyle, there could be
other universes with
other versions of
Everyone's sick of the
stupid multiverse, Cartman.
It's not stupid, it's totally possible
and if you can't
(MUFFLED): Kyle? Kyle?
I swear, the multiverse is
just an excuse for lazy writing.
- Whoa. Kyle!
- Yeah, it's like every damn movie now.
Kyle, what is this?
Uh, you might wanna listen to him, Kyle!
Kyle, you gotta help me!
Help me, Kyle!
(SCREAMING)
(WHISTLES) Hey!
Hey, I need a worker!
- Is that a handyman?
- There's one!
- (ALL CLAMORING)
- Hey, you wanna trade?
What the fuck?
Randy! You know how to do stuff, right?
I gotta get the radiant heat
installed in my house and I'm offering
free legal advice in exchange.
You need a reporter?
I'll report the news to you
if you fix my shower tile!
How about a computer programmer?
I can do coding!
Insurance broker? Insurance broker?
What the hell are you guys doing here?
We're trying to get
a handyman to do stuff for us.
You know how to install
radiant heat or not?
No, I need some broke-ass
immigrants to fix my oven door.
- (ALL GROANING)
- Dang it.
Hey! Here comes a different handyman!
(WHISTLES) Hey, anyone wanna
make a bunch of money?
I need four workers who know
how to use a power saw.
I'll do lawyer work if you
install my radiant heat!
I've got skills in human resources.
Let's work something out!
No, I need guys that know
how to work a power saw.
None of you know how to
work a power saw? Jesus Christ.
What universe is this?
Yo, Kenny, we gotta ask you something.
Are you, like, in love
with Tammy Mullins?
I'm not in love with her,
I just like her knockers.
Okay, well, why would you
protect someone from getting
farted on unless there were
some real feelings there?
Dude, I said I was sorry, okay?
You guys! You guys!
Something really weird is going on!
I keep having the same dream
that I'm a fat little white boy.
You ain't white, but you definitely fat.
This is serious, Kyle!
It's more than a dream,
it's becoming like real now!
I keep seeing all of you!
Being replaced by little
white motherfuckers!
Well, maybe you should try
not being so racist, Cartman.
You can't be racist
towards white people, Stan!
They all honky-ass bitches!
You know what this is?
I think this is some
alternate universe shit.
Yeah, right, you just acting
crazy 'cause you wanna
- get sent home from school.
- No, I'm not, Kyle!
Yeah, bitch, you just
wanna get sent home
so you can play Baldur's Gate 3.
(YELLING)
(YELLING)
What the fuck?
Oh, my God, it's all real!
Whatever you're doing,
Cartman, we ain't buyin' it.
Stay away from me! You aren't
my friends! Do you understand?
Is that supposed to be Cartman?
It ain't Cartman but it's still fat.
Just more like little round and fat.
Yeah, like Tammy Mullins' knockers.
Kenny! Brah.
Chill with the knockers. Man!
No
No !
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Okay, so Clyde says he
can probably try to fart
on Tammy Mullins again
during fourth period.
But this time Kenny has
to keep his mouth shut.
It's fine! I won't say anything, fine!
He's gonna say something,
he's totally in love with her.
- No, I'm not!
- You guys! You guys!
Holy shit, you guys, I fuckin' told you!
I fuckin' told you this
was happening, didn't I?
Told us what was happening?
I told you I was having all these dreams
that I was a fat little white boy
and you guys were all
white boys too and now look!
Y'all actually turned into 'em!
- Do we know you?
- I'm Cartman.
And you're Kyle and you're Stan
and you're fucking Kenny.
Only it's a parallel,
alternated universe
and y'all have been replaced.
Uh, okay, cool lady.
We gotta get to class.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!
You guys are gonna
listen to me this time!
I need help!
Cartman's just messing with us.
Fuck you, Kyle!
This is serious,
you fuckin' butt-fucker!
Yeah, listen, lady, we
really gotta get going.
Will you guys fucking
listen to me?! I'm Cartman!
You're not Cartman and
multiple universes are stupid.
Oh, goddamn it!
Tom, I'm still here live at the scene.
Dozens of white-collar workers
are gathered hoping
to get the attention of
just one handyman.
It's a scene of desperation
and a reminder
of where our country's
economy is headed.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
- (ALL CLAMORING)
Hey, hey! Excuse me,
you're a handyman, right?
Can I get you to come look
at my oven door?
I can trade you services.
I have geology skills.
Could you come fix my door
and I'll give you some geology?
Hey, why don't you guys get outta here?
You're making the Home Depot
look all shitty.
Fuckin' rich assholes.
- (ALL GRUMBLING)
- Ugh, sucks.
Aw, man.
Boy, I wish I knew how to fix stuff.
I'd be rich, too.
I could know how to fix stuff!
The problem is when I
could have been learning
how to fix stuff, I went
to fucking college instead!
Hey, yeah, he's right.
We all went to college,
and where did it get us?
Yeah, I'm still paying off
my college loans.
Yeah, so am I! Now I don't
know how to do anything
'cause I got suckered into going
to college and learning stupid
geology that anyone can know
'cause of goddamn AI!
Yeah, fuck college!
Let's go get our fucking money back!
- OTHERS: Yeah!
- Yeah! Fuck college!
- Come on, let's go!
- (ALL CLAMORING)
(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
- Stupid college!
- You wasted our time!
- Fuck you, college!
- Piece of shit college!
Hey-hey, college!
You know what you are?! You're a scam!
College is a scam!
- (CHEERING)
- OTHERS: Yeah!
Yeah, that's right!
Yeah, hey, college!
Here's my student loan bill.
That I'm still paying off!
Well, guess what, I'm not paying it!
- Yeah!
- We don't owe you nothing!
- (ALL CLAMORING)
- RANDY: Guess what, college?!
We don't owe you money,
you owe us money!
OTHERS: Yeah!
Yeah, that's right!
You think you can just
sit there and not even
respond to us, college? Okay!
You aren't going to destroy
any more lives!
All right, bring in the catapult.
Bring in the catapult!
OTHERS: Yeah!
Yeah, that's right!
(GRUNTING)
- What's that?
- That's the catapult.
Well, but it's still in the box.
Yeah, somebody's gotta put it together.
Well, how are we gonna
Hang on, college!
How're we gonna break the college if
the catapult is still in the box?
It's okay, we called the handyman.
He's gonna build it for us.
Hello, gentlemen, what
seems to be the problem?
Oh! Oh!
You said you couldn't work today.
You're supposed to fix my oven door!
I've got a lot of jobs there, buddy.
This one paid the most today.
We all pooled together
and offered him $20,000.
$20,000?
What the fuck are you guys doing?!
You're gonna make him
totally impossible now!
(PHONE BEEPS)
All right, send Broflovski,
Marsh and McKormick
into my office, please.
Aw, what the hell?
Sit down, boys. One of our students here
says you've been treating them unfairly.
- Treating who unfairly?
- We didn't do anything!
We're just minding our own business
and she keeps saying she's Eric Cartman!
Okay. And what's wrong with that?
What's wrong is it
doesn't make any sense.
Okay, I see.
There's a diverse female
where Cartman used to be
and you don't like that.
It's not that we don't like it, it's
don't you think that's weird?
I don't see a problem with it at all.
And if you boys don't think
Eric can be a Black woman,
then maybe the problem is you.
What?
You think it's perfectly normal
that Cartman is suddenly a Black woman?
You probably don't like that
Indiana Jones got replaced
by a female either, huh?
You probably have a problem
with Black Spider-Man, too.
No! Miles Morales is sweet.
That's a whole constructed thing
with its own character and narrative!
This is just taking Cartman,
same old Cartman,
and putting a Black woman in it.
Well, you know what I think
about that, Kyle?
Hold on. Hold on.
- (FARTS)
- (LAUGHS)
That's what I think about
that, Kyle! (LAUGHS)
Goddamn it, Cartman!
Dude, what the fuck is going on?!
I'll tell you what's going on.
You boys feel that your white
culture is being threatened
and so you're lashing out with racism.
And if you say anything more about
a Black woman Cartman
not making any sense,
then you can all just have
three weeks' detention!
Now get out of my office!
- Goddamn it!
- (LAUGHS)
Fuck you, Kyle. You have to help me!
How's that fart feeling
on your face right now?
KYLE: Shut up!
CARTMAN: Na-na-na-na-na.
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
(CARTMAN MOANING)
And we both told Clyde,
"Okay, you can try to fart
on Tammy Mullins later.
Kenny won't tell her".
And guess what? This little
motherfucker does it again!
I'm sorry. She hypnotized me.
Everyone's trying
to enjoy themselves, dude.
Why do you keep fucking it up?
Hey, who's the fat little white boy?
Who knows? White heterosexual males
think they're welcome anywhere.
- (MOANING)
- (BELL CHIMES)
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
Today we're going to talk
more about female exclusion
in the male patriarchy.
(MOANING)
Uh, Butters, who is
that sitting next to you?
Oh, I don't know, ma'am.
I think it's supposed to be Eric.
I am Eric!
All Cartman cares about
is playing Baldur's Gate 3.
So the bitch did a switcheroo
with Spanky here.
That is not what's going on!
And I am not going to sit here
and be insulted anymore!
I am a respected citizen in my universe
and I demand to speak to
someone with authority!
- (RADIO STATIC)
- Is there a problem here?
No!
(TOOL WHIRRING)
Eight years.
Eight years I spent wasting
time at stupid college
when I could have been
learning how to do stuff.
All the time we spent
memorizing, studying for what?
Anyone gets any info they want
with the touch of a button now.
All right, I think she's ready to go.
- It's ready! It's ready!
- (ALL CLAMORING)
Okay, okay, aim it
at the center of the school.
How do we fire it?
There's a big red button here.
Should I press it?
Yeah, yeah, let 'er rip!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- (ALL CHEERING)
Yeah, take that, college!
Let's see them ignore that!
I can't wait to see what they do now.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Hey-hey, wait, what's that?
Hey! Hey, no, you son of a bitch!
GERALD: He's just gonna fix the glass!
Ugh!
You fucking give these
billionaires your money
and then another billionaire just comes
and profits off of that.
Society is so fucked up!
Something is wrong with the universe.
Our stocks are down
and every Disney movie
this year has failed!
We don't understand it, sir.
We keep making the same
movie over and over
and pandering to everyone
but suddenly it's not working.
Then we've got to pander harder!
Look, I don't want
to have to say it, but
I think the problem is Kathleen Kennedy.
Kathleen Kennedy has
made studios a lot of money.
Yes, before. But you have
to admit something's changed.
For weeks now she's been
completely different.
- It's true.
- What if
this is a different Kathleen Kennedy?
What are you saying, Rick?
I'm just saying isn't it possible
that we here at Disney
pandered so much
that we've opened a doorway
to the panderverse.
The panderverse is just a theory!
And yet we do have
the panderstone downstairs.
It's possible that someone
has tampered with it somehow.
Well, she's on her way in right now.
If you wanna tell Kathleen
Kennedy you think
she's from an alternate universe,
because we misused
the panderstone, go right ahead!
(DOORS CREAK OPEN)
Is there a problem, people?
No problem at all, Mrs. Kennedy.
We were just discussing ideas
of what to do with
the new Prince Eric movie.
Put a chick in it, make her gay!
Uh, yes, Mrs. Kennedy,
uh, some of the execs are just
- expressing that maybe
- Well, that maybe we should go
a different route than we did
with Indiana Jones.
Fuck Indiana Jones!
Put a chick in it and
make her lame and gay!
Sure. Yeah.
Let's try that again.
♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
And then and then there was,
like, this ball
and then Eric floated up
into this portal and disappeared!
I don't care what you saw, Butters,
there's gotta be a better explanation
than just the stupid multiverse.
Some multiverse stuff is cool.
Yeah, it can be cool for,
like, one movie.
Now it's just this cheap
device that people use
to breathe life into tired franchises.
What are you guys talking about?
Uh, we were just talking about
how amazing this all is.
Okay, I've been trying to think
about what we should do, you guys.
I think I know how to
make everything right,
but we're gonna need
a really powerful computer.
Are you gonna eat your brownie, Kenny?
Yeah, I'm gonna eat my brownie!
Okay, fine, so we'll take you
to the computer lab.
No, no, no, no, for this,
we gotta get a really powerful system.
Is Kyle's mom still a big
fat bitch in this universe?
What? My mom's not a bitch.
Well, I mean, she is kind of bitchy.
She's a big dumb bitch, huh?
What does calling my mom a bitch
have to do with anything?
Because we could fake
a letter from Kyle's mom
giving Kyle permission to use
her credit card number
to buy all the stuff
we need at Best Buy.
I mean, PC Principal did
say we have to help him.
Her. Them. It.
That's the dumbest idea ever!
I don't even know what
my mom's credit number is!
8-7-1-5
3-2-7
4-9-2
2-1-0-0-7.
I use it all the time.
- (PHONES RINGING)
- (KEYBOARDS CLACKING)
All right. Full name?
What is your name, sir?
I told them already
my name is Eric Cartman.
We know Eric Cartman, okay?
Eric Cartman is in here all
the time getting in trouble.
That's because I'm
from a different universe!
How many times do I have
to tell you people?
The Disney company tried to
use their platform
to bring about social change
and I got fucked.
Hey, Chief. Chief,
you gotta hear this one.
What is it, Johnston?
Aw, God.
This little white boy
claims he's actually
from a different universe.
Is that so?
All right, honkey,
what kind of narcotics
are you on? Did you do a cavity search?
Have you even said what
you've arrested me for?
I come from a place where this
is extremely inappropriate.
- OFFICER: Chief! Hey, Chief!
- Yeah?
There's some crazy white lady downstairs
freakin' out and saying
she needs to talk to you.
More honkies?
What is this, a Taylor Swift concert?
Tell the nice lady I'll
see her after I'm done
with "Eric Cartman" here.
Well, that's just it, Chief.
She's sayin' she's looking
for an Eric Cartman.
Says her name is Kathleen Kennedy.
Kathleen Kennedy?! No!
She's gonna try to change me,
too! I'm the only one left!
- Hey, get back here!
- She's gonna get me!
- (CLAMORING)
- Tom, I'm standing outside
the South Park Country Club
where protestors have gathered
to point out the unfairness
in our economy.
The White House says they're
doing all they can but it's been
several days now and my bathroom
tile still is not installed.
Yeah, that's right. You see,
the whole system is rigged.
You've got people like us
who just need our stuff fixed,
and meanwhile there's these billionaires
that have all the control!
Did you know that if just
one of these billionaires
spread their wealth,
- (PHONE RINGING)
- it would mean thousands to every per
it would mean thousands to every
Sorry, hang on, just a second.
Yeah?
Hey, Ran, the oven door still
isn't shutting right.
Yeah, I'm working on it, Sharon!
I'm actually working on it right now!
Hey, one of them's coming out!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Please, just glance
at my water pressure!
Mr. Fix It, can you please
tell us why you haven't been
responding to people's calls?
Well, I've just been busy
with my various assets.
You see, I've been trying to acquire
some social media platforms.
I just bought Instagram.
What? The country needs stuff fixed.
Why the fuck are you out
buying Instagram?!
(TIRES SCREECH)
Hey, did you just outbid me
to acquire Instagram?
Yeah, I outbid you.
I own Instagram now and you don't!
Oh, yeah? Well, I just acquired
the entire Bloomberg media company!
Oh, yeah? Well, I can kick your ass.
You wanna fight me MMA?
Yeah, I'll fight you MMA, let's do it.
What the hell are they doing now?
I'm just gonna make a company
and I'm gonna fly to space!
I bet I can get to space before you do!
Gal! Fuck these guys!
She has all the right
things in her purse.
Her driver's license
says Kathleen Kennedy,
she has Kathleen Kennedy credit cards.
This is definitely all the same
makeup Mrs. Kennedy uses.
I mean, according to this,
she really is Kathleen Kennedy.
Or Kathleen Kennedy
from another universe.
That's enough! Please!
We're not going to
waste our time chasing
after wild scientific theories!
Well, we have to do something.
Kathleen Kennedy is down
on set right now
ruining the new Bambi movie!
Put a diverse woman in it, make it lame!
But Mrs. Kennedy,
Bam-Bambi's a baby deer.
Fuck baby deer! Put a
chick in it, make her gay!
You guys, you better
come take a look at this.
I don't think we are dealing
with our Kathleen Kennedy.
I took images of Mrs. Kennedy
and put them
against images of her
from a few months ago.
With AI we could detect
the smallest irregularities.
Take a look.
All right. What do we know
about the panderverse?
I'm afraid we know
frighteningly little.
The only thing we know for sure
is that if a portal were somehow opened
with the panderstone,
then both universes
eventually will collide,
leading to a level of pandering
we can't even fathom.
That we know for sure. Yes.
IGER: Then we have to get everyone
back to the right universe.
Before it's complete pandermonium.
Okay, Kenny, switch on the power supply.
Stan, make sure we've got ethernet!
- All good.
- All right,
let's just hope this works.
Oh, man, what the hell?
Dude, Kyle, what is up
with your Internet speed?
Go tell your parents to
upgrade your Internet speed.
No!
Kyle, I know you're afraid of your mom
'cause she's a fat bitch,
but we have to do this.
Stop calling my mom a bitch!
- (KNOCKING)
- Kyle!
I just got an alert that someone used
my credit card at Best Buy?!
Oh, hello, Mrs. Broflovski.
My goodness, you're looking nice today.
What?
You know, credit card fraud
is very serious, Mrs. Broflovski.
You should call your
Internet company right away
and up your speed and
make sure you're protected.
Really? Kyle, who is this?
Oh, haven't you heard, Mom?
We're in a multiverse and this is
supposed to be Eric Cartman.
Oh, okay, I'm fine with that.
I better go call the Internet company.
What do you mean you're fine with that?
I think all this stuff is great, Kyle.
And what "all stuff" is that, exactly?
Ha! It worked.
She's gonna call the Internet company.
Your mom is such a dumb bitch, Kyle!
Shut up, Cartman!
Loo, loo, loo, I got some apples ♪
Loo, loo, loo, you got some, too ♪
Loo, loo, loo, let's
make some applesauce ♪
- Butters.
- (YELLS)
Butters! Butters, listen to me.
- It's me, Eric.
- You-You-You're not Eric!
Yes, I am Eric Cartman, Butters.
Kathleen Kennedy is trying to get me.
She won't stop until her
master plan is complete.
I'm not supposed to have anyone
in my room, I'm grounded!
Butters, Disney is going to
get me. They already got you!
(GASPS) They did?!
We are in this together, Butters.
You have to keep me safe until I can
- figure out how we're gonna
- (KNOCKING)
She's here! Butters,
don't let her get me.
- (KNOCKING)
- VOICE: Butters?!
Butters! Why didn't you
answer this door?
Oh. Hey, Dad.
What are you doing up here?
And why do you look so scared?
Oh, I'm not scared, I'm just,
uh, I'm just having fun.
Well, no having fun.
You are grounded. Start
being more miserable.
- Dad?
- Yes, Butters?
Uh, could you check under
my bed and make sure
Kathleen Kennedy isn't there?
Butters, what have I told you
about being more mature?
I can assure you Kathleen Kennedy
is not under your bed!
(MUFFLED GROANING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
That's fucking Kathleen Kennedy!
Right fucking there!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
You! Come here!
No, no, no, no, no!
(GRUNTING)
No, no! No, no, no!
(SPUTTERS)
Well, Shelley,
we need to talk about your future.
You see, there's very few
people at the top these days.
AI can do everything better than we can,
except for stuff that requires arms.
I don't want you to
end up a deadbeat loser
who goes to college, Shelley.
You need to stay out of school,
and instead go out and be
taught real skills that will
still be profitable
in this post-AI universe.
So what you do is you take
out your phone and you call
the handyman, and see if
those rich people will have
any internships or training
programs available for you.
(PANEL CHIRPS)
Handyman service, how can I help you?
RANDY: Yeah, hi, it's Randy Marsh.
I was wondering if you
might have any internships
available for my daughter
Hey! What in tarnation?!
I told you I'd beat you, you son' bitch!
You ain't beatin' me!
Turn up them thrusters!
My galactic cruiser's bigger than yours!
H-Hello?
Get out my way, you little pecker!
Hello? Never mind.
The rich people are all just
fucking around in space.
(RUMBLING)
What the hell was that?
I'm getting significantly strong
readings from the panderstone.
Mr. Iger. We may have a solution.
If this Kathleen Kennedy here
is from somewhere else, then
there has to be a match for her
somewhere in our universe.
So what we can do
is use an AI program that
can take every image ever put
on the Internet to try and
find a match to our image.
ROBOTIC VOICE:
Different, different, different,
different, different,
different, different,
different, different, different
Same.
IGER: Eric Cartman.
South Park Elementary.
Evans, Mallory, come with me.
The rest of you, don't
let Kathleen Kennedy
find out what we're up to.
It's okay, we're keeping
Mrs. Kennedy distracted.
We've sent her away
to have lunch at Spago.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
There you are, Mrs. Kennedy,
the linguini and clam sauce.
Uh, excuse me?
I believe I asked you
to put a chick in this
- and make her gay?
- Uh
Yes, the chef was a little confused
what you meant by that.
It means put a chick in the linguini
and make her fucking gay!
And I want it lame!
(SCREAMING)
She's gonna get me! She's gonna get me!
(HORN BLARING)
(SCREAMS)
No, no, no, no, no!
Hey, who's that, Ned?
I'm not sure.
No!
There he is! Get him!
(SCREAMS)
No. Oh, my God, please, no!
No !
Which way did they go?
(GASPS)
We have to work together.
Fuck you, Kathleen Kennedy!
Stay away, you fuckin' bitch!
I'm in the same situation you are, Eric!
I know you're in the wrong universe.
So am I.
Well, there's no other way to put it.
They have us over a barrel.
We give these billionaires
all our money, rely on them,
and so they can do whatever they want.
Let's just face it, we're never
gonna get our stuff fixed.
Yeah.
And I guess it's
nobody's fault but our own.
Excuse me?
My name is Bob Iger
We're looking for an Eric Cartman.
Our universe has been manipulated with.
Have you all noticed anything strange?
Yes. Yes, the world is
completely upside down!
Nothing makes sense!
It's because there's some kind of
disruption in the panderverse.
We believe Kathleen Kennedy
has opened a portal.
This is all Kathleen Kennedy's fault?
This is all Kathleen Kennedy's fault!
Who's Kathleen Kennedy?
One of the top executives at Disney.
It's not us, you guys.
I knew there was an explanation!
We didn't waste our time at college!
We didn't get lazy from technology!
Everything is Kathleen Kennedy's fault!
(ALL CHEERING)
Follow me. I'll help you find Eric.
Okay, okay, everything
is finally loaded.
We got Internet at full capacity.
You guys ready to see if this works?
- BOTH: Yeah!
- All right, let's do this!
Launching Steam now.
Steam?
Okay. I'm in Steam.
Got the application ready to go.
The title screen is launching!
It's working. It's working, you guys!
It looks sweet on this big monitor!
Wait a minute.
You mean this entire time,
all you've wanted to do
is play Baldur's Gate 3?
Yeah. What'd you think
I was trying to do?
We thought you were trying
to set up some elaborate
system to get back to your universe!
I ain't no quantum astro physicist.
The fuck I know about
how the multiverse works?
Wow. It really is Cartman.
All right, that does it!
Get out of my room!
You have to be cool to me, Kyle.
PC Principal says so.
I don't care! All this multiple
universe stuff is tired and lazy
and we are not doing it anymore!
Boys! Boys,
we need to help Disney put
our universe back together.
Where's Eric Cartman?
Dad, this might be hard to understand,
but this is Eric Cartman.
Oh, okay, great. Come on, Eric,
- we need to go.
- (KYLE GROANS)
We have to hurry, Eric.
No. No, wait.
Something's wrong. Oh, my God!
- What is it?
- My save game.
I'm already like 50 hours
into Baldur's Gate 3
but it's saying that
I have to start a new game.
Do save games not cross
between multiple universes?
Save games don't even cross between
PCs and PS5s, why would they cross
between multiple universes?
No !
Please, everyone.
We are running out of time!
We have to close the panderverse before
everything we care about is destroyed!
So what do we have to do?
We have to get everyone
back to the proper place, but to breach
the panderverse, we need to find a place
with integrity that has a broken door.
A place with "integridy"
that has a broken door.
I know where to go.
So, yeah, so it's just basically
off the hinges.
I'd fix it myself but
I've been really busy.
Do you think it'll work?
If we're to try to open
a panderverse portal,
it's as good as any place, I suppose.
Okay, people, we don't have much time.
Bring in the panderstone.
(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)
I'm not your enemy, Eric.
For some reason fate
has put us together.
What do you want from me,
Kathleen Kennedy?
I've been stuck in this
universe for months.
I want out of here
just as much as you do.
Hello, welcome to City Woke,
can I take your order, please?
Ugh.
We're just having tea, thank you.
Okay, you just wanna tea and talk about
shitty male-dominated
society, that's fine.
I don't get it, this is
exactly the kind of
universe you wanted, why
would you want to leave?
To stop her from undoing
the panderverse completely.
I saw the panderstone for the first time
a few years ago.
Bob Iger took us to the Disney archives
and showed us an ancient
piece of artificial intelligence
that could be used to make
the same movies over
and over again while appealing
to absolutely everyone.
The panderstone worked
great, for a while.
But then came the hate mail.
Ugly letters from racists
who couldn't stand that
some of the panderstone's
rehashes had diverse
women characters in the lead.
I decided I would show them.
I would start making movies
to fight all the bigotry in our society.
But instead of doing any real work,
I turned to the panderstone.
It made things so much easier.
Soon, I was using the panderstone over
and over again to try and
fight all the ugly feedback,
which in turn was growing
stronger and stronger.
But I was fighting with the wrong tool.
I used the panderstone to the point
- that it became unstable.
- (WHOOSHING)
It opened a portal
to multiple universes,
and something came through.
At first we fought. I tried
to send it back to its universe.
But it got the upper hand.
It was able instead
to send me to this universe,
out of its way so
it could thrive in ours.
(SIGHS) That's actually
the best explanation
I've heard as to why
Disney movies all suck now.
(TYPING)
All right, I've set the panderstone
into the compromised doorway.
Activating the panderstone now.
Whoa!
Space-time portal is manifesting!
Panderverse quantum fields are aligned!
Yeah, that sounds like typical
multiverse gobbledygook.
Will you stop ripping
on multiple universes, Kyle?
I'm trying to get back to Baldur's Gate.
Now I warn you, Mr. Marsh,
once inside the panderverse,
you will be falling
through different realities.
Your mind will barely
be able to comprehend
- what you are experiencing.
- SHARON: Randy?
I think the oven door is
still having problems if you
I am working on it, Sharon!
The portal is at full. This
might be our only shot!
Good luck, Mr. Marsh!
Whoa!
(SCREAMING)
Hold on to the rope!
Oh, whoa!
Oh, my God.
Whoa!
Whoa.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, God, it's so weird.
Shorts, now I'm wearing shorts!
(YELLING)
Can you imagine it?
An infinite number of universes
with infinite combinations of
pants and shirts.
What do you think about
multiple universes now, boys?
Yeah, they're pretty fucking stupid.
Yeah.
I understand that maybe
you were trying to make
a difference, Kathleen.
But you have to admit
the last few movies
you've shit out have been real stinkers.
All I ever wanted was to
make great entertainment, believe me.
But as soon as you start getting
piles and piles of hate mail,
endless messages calling you the c-word,
you can't think straight.
Well, I'm sorry I wrote
all those letters.
It probably was a bit much.
No, I got like 10,000 letters a day.
Mm, I was doing more like
12,000 to 13,000,
especially after the new
Indiana Jones came out.
Then it's you! You're the one
who caused all this!
Fuck you! You're the one
who caused all this!
I wouldn't have tried to fight racism
with the panderstone if you hadn't
written all those letters.
I wouldn't have written
all those letters
if you hadn't tried to fight racism
with a fucking panderstone.
(WHOOSHING)
Mr. Marsh! Can you hear us?
RANDY: Oh, wow!
You should see the pants I have on now!
Whoa! Oh, now I have on,
like, suspenders.
Like almost like overalls but not quite!
My God.
Mr. Marsh! Try and stay focused!
You should be seeing
another portal soon!
If our Kathleen Kennedy
got the other Eric Cartman
to the right place.
RANDY: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Dad? What's the matter?
I'm wearing a Baltimore Ravens
shirt now!
I hate the Ravens!
I don't know if I can do this!
Oh, now it's the Dolphins!
Ah! The Chiefs!
Oh, it's the Chiefs!
He's losing his mind!
The panderverse is filled with mystery
and paradox, you you
have to try and hang on!
(RUMBLING)
Jesus, it's getting worse.
Where the fuck is Bob Iger?
Uh, Mr. Iger just had to take some
of the others to a screening.
I think that things are
being kept from me.
And if you're going
to keep things from me,
then you'd better put a chick in it,
and make her fucking gay as fuck.
(RUMBLING)
So that's it, that's the connection.
I reacted to you and you reacted to me.
And I guess we created each other.
Mrs. Kennedy,
I don't think I've ever said this
before in my life but I'm sorry.
I lashed out so hard and used
the c-word so many times,
you didn't really have
a choice but to double down.
Eric, I know you care
about all things Disney.
I'm sorry I was so reckless
with the things that you love.
It was just lazy.
I guess just wailing
on woke stuff all the time
is pretty lazy, too.
I think I think I can let go now.
Aah
Come on, Kate. Looks like
we got a flight to catch.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
Whoa, what the hell is that?
(SCREAMING)
(OTHERS GASP)
Oh, yo, bitch! You killed Kenny!
You fat ho!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Look!
I'm back, you guys!
Kyle! Kyle, I'm back!
I was so wrong about Kathleen Kennedy,
Kyle, she's so awesome!
Okay, what Cartman is this?
Mrs. Kennedy, you're back!
- Great to see you, ma'am.
- Thanks, you guys.
We have a lot of changes
to discuss at the company.
From now on we're only
going to make original content
that doesn't pander.
Sure we will, Kate. Sure we will.
(CHUCKLES)
RANDY: Hey, guys! Guys, over here!
I did a little extra work while
I was out in multiple universes.
We're not gonna have a problem
with billionaires anymore,
check it out!
(ALL CHEERING)
Now people who can do stuff
will be just as poor
as the rest of us!
(EXCITED CLAMORING)
Tom, it appears that
everything is back to normal.
Billionaires have been put
in their place and once again
it doesn't matter that we
don't know how to do anything.
It's a good ending here
and we can all be happy
that everyone is back in their universe.
(SCREAMING, PANTING)
Mom! Mom!
What is it, Mrs. Kennedy?
Oh. Oh, Mom!
I was just having the worst nightmare.
I was me except everyone
around me was different.
Oh, no, Mrs. Kennedy.
Here, have some of your favorite
cereal to calm you down.
Oh, thank you. It was so real.
All my friends were there
but they'd been
replaced by strangers.
I think you were even there too, Kyle.
Really? I was there, too?
Yeah, that's right, Kyle, you were there
but you weren't cereal and I couldn't
just eat you like I can here.
- (MUNCHING)
- (KYLE SCREAMING)
KYLE: No, please, no, Mrs. Kennedy!
Oh, you're so yummy, Kyle!
Oh, oh, it's so good to be home.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.