South Park s00e49 Episode Script

1
MTV ♪
♪
CARTMAN: Ow. Ow!
Ah, God!
I'm just taking your
blood pressure, Eric.
It's too tight. Stop.
(AIR HISSES)
Ms. Cartman, I'm extremely worried
about your son's health.
His blood pressure, his cholesterol.
I think it's time for
some drastic measures
to bring down his weight.
Oh, God, here we go
with this shit again.
Doctor, we try to have
Eric eat right and exercise,
but it just doesn't
seem to work for him.
Well, there might be another answer.
Have you heard of semaglutides?
Semaglutides?
They're the active
ingredient in Ozempic,
a drug originally made
for people with diabetes
but we've now discovered
they can help obese people
lose vast amounts of weight.
Really?
It's a whole new era of medicine.
A miracle, really.
Young man, how would you
like to not be fat anymore?
Not be fat anymore?
Me?
Not fat anymore?
♪
Hey, guys!
How's it going? Good to see you guys.
Hey, Wendy, you want to know something?
- What?
- You're a dumb bitch.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
You're a dumb bitch
and you got saggy tits.
Oh, yeah, Cartman? Well, you're a
You're a (GROANS)
(LAUGHS)
Sweet!
Oh, hey. Hey, Kyle.
Kyle, guess what? You're
a totally ugly ginger
and your religion is fucking bullshit.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're a
You're a uh Damn it!
(LAUGHS) Yeah! Awesome!
Hey, hello there, Pakistan.
Your whole country is fucking
dumb and it smells like ass.
Okay, Pakistan? Why don't
you get your shit together?
(CROWD BOOING)
Oh, yeah? Well, you are normal person!
You are very average-looking.
Fuck yeah, dawg. This is fucking nice!
♪
Wow. Could this really happen?
Doctor, is it really
true I can not be fat?
It's really true, young man.
How much do these new drugs cost?
Well, they aren't cheap.
It's about $1,200 a month.
Oh, I don't know if we can afford that.
Oh. All right.
Well, never mind, Eric. Have a good day.
Never mind?
You can't just tell me
there's a new miracle drug
that'll make me not fat anymore,
then say fucking "never mind"!
Insurance companies
only cover the medication
for diabetes, not for weight loss.
So if you can't afford them,
you're just kind of out of luck.
Doctor, please, I've
been fat my whole life.
I hate how I look.
Please, there has to
be something you can do.
(SIGHS) All right.
I'm gonna write you a
prescription for Lizzo.
- Lizzo?
- She's a really good singer
who talks about body
positivity and just being happy
with the way you look.
I want you to listen to
Lizzo five times a day
and watch her videos
just before bedtime.
Oh, and I'm afraid
you'll have to be on Lizzo
for the rest of your life.
No! Lizzo, no!
WOMAN: (SCREAMS) Oh, my God!
REPORTER: A new weight-loss
drug, one that's been described
- as a game changer
- REPORTER 2: Patients with obesity
lost up to 17.5% of
their body weight
MAN: The drug works by mimicking
a naturally carried hormone
that is released from the gut
Well, I'm going down to South Park ♪
Gonna have myself a time ♪
WOMAN: One hot topic
everyone in Hollywood
still seems to be
talking about is Ozempic.
Yeah, I'm going down to South Park ♪
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
WOMAN: Obesity is a
biological condition
Are these new drugs a silver
bullet for weight loss?
Heading on up to South Park ♪
Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
It will be the most
lucrative drug ever made.
So come on down to South Park ♪
And meet some friends of mine. ♪
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?
I'm going to school.
Not looking like that you aren't.
Not looking like what?
We've talked about this, Shelley.
You don't go to school wearing shirts
that show off your body like that.
All the girls at school
dress like this, Dad.
Mom already said it was okay.
- What?
- It's really just the fashion now, Randy.
I don't care if it's the fashion,
I don't want my innocent little daughter
going to school dressed
like a cum whore.
Go put on a different shirt.
No. I don't have to.
My body's not a
distraction, it's perfect,
and you can't tell me what to do.
You're gonna get stared at all day.
Little boys are perverts.
Mom already said I could wear it!
(NASALLY): Mom already
said I could wear it!
You're stupid.
The school says girls
can wear shirts like this
so I can do what I want!
(REGULAR VOICE): Okay, cool,
then maybe I'll just wear
whatever I want to school
to come pick you up later!
Go ahead!
Ugh.
She's gonna be fine, Randy.
She's just growing up.
Oh, she's gonna be fine?
Okay. Mark my words.
If you walk around wearing a
shirt that exposes your belly,
you end up with a bad group of people
doing a bunch of drugs.
You'll see.
♪
Randy was really
upset, but I don't know,
I just don't see what the big deal is.
Do you let Wendy wear
crop tops to school?
Yeah, sometimes.
I think it's fine when girls wear them.
What I can't stand is
all the middle-aged moms
wearing them now 'cause
they're all on Ozempic.
- Who's on Ozempic?
- Oh, Butter's mom, Craig's mom.
A bunch of women use it to
lose that last five pounds
and show off their stomachs.
Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?
Just getting some coffee?
Hi, Linda. You're, uh, looking good.
Oh, yeah, you know,
just working out a lot,
doing Pilates and stuff.
Uh-huh, sure.
Kind of cold out, isn't it, Linda?
Oh, no, I'm not cold.
Not with all the
running I'm doing lately
- to work on my core.
- Hey, ladies.
Boy, it sure is chilly
out this morning, huh?
Yeah, I sure hope summer comes soon.
Yeah, uh, we, uh, we got to get going.
We'll see you guys around.
Linda, you look really good.
Which obesity drugs are you taking?
Drugs? I-I'm not taking any drugs.
I'm just hiking and lifting weights.
Oh, Linda, you don't
have to be shy with us.
I'm using Ozempic and
Laura's using Mounjaro.
Come on, what are you on?
Oh, well, the truth is,
Ozempic gave me the shits
so I switched to Zepbound.
Ooh, Zepbound's the same as Mounjaro,
but you don't have to have
the diabetes to get it, right?
Yeah, I think Zepbound is
the one Tweek's mom is doing.
Who had the half-caff venti chai latte?
Oh, that's me.
Listen, girls, we're doing the party
at my house this afternoon, okay?
- Okay, sounds good.
- The-the party?
Yeah, you know, the obesity
drugs are so hard to get,
all the girls meet up and
share drugs and talk about them.
- You got to come.
- Okay, I will.
(LAUGHTER)
♪
Hey, Kyle.
Kyle, can you come talk
to Eric for a minute?
He's really upset.
Cartman's upset? So what?
He's been crying all day
and now he's just sitting
on the merry-go-round all by himself.
♪
(SNIFFLES)
What's wrong with you?
(SNIFFLES)
Nothing.
Okay, Cartman, obviously
something's wrong.
(SNIFFLES)
I'm just fat.
And I'm always gonna be fat.
(SNIFFLES)
Is this a trick?
I'm just
there's these new medications
that can treat obesity,
but my mom can't afford them.
I'm-I'm just a poor, fat kid.
Poor little fat kid.
Okay, Cartman, if your doctor
wants to put you on medication,
your insurance will pay for it.
No, they said the insurance
won't pay for it 'cause, um,
they're kind of new drugs,
and so the only people
that can get them are people
who can pay 1,200 bucks a month
and the rest of us get this.
- What's this?
- It's a prescription for Lizzo.
Rich people get Ozempic, poor
people get body positivity.
They can't just give
medication to rich people.
Well, that's what they're doing.
Well, did you talk to
the insurance company?
Did you file a claim?
Let's go down there and talk to them.
See? I knew Kyle could help.
When it comes to your health,
you got to be tough, dude.
You got to have some
fucking willpower, okay?
(SNIFFLES)
Okay.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Oh, hey! Hey, Shelley!
Over here, Shelley.
Yeah, right here. It's Dad!
I'm here to pick you up!
Oh, my God.
Oh, what? What's the problem, Shelley?
Come on, sweetheart.
Daddy's just here to get you!
Tweek, come on, let's
go, honey. Get your stuff.
Oh, hey, Randy. Look at you.
Huh?
So, you're, uh, you're
doing the thing, too, huh?
- Doing-doing what thing?
- Oh, come on,
we can all be honest with each other.
Those of us that can afford it
have nothing to be ashamed of, right?
You're, uh, you're into the drugs?
- Well, yeah, I'm into drugs.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Whoa, really?
- Yeah, I love them.
Well, I'm more into drugs than
probably anyone in this town.
Well, then, what are you doing?
- You got to come join the group.
- There's a group?
Yeah, a bunch of the girls,
we get together and talk
about all the different drugs
and where we can get them.
They're way harder to get these days.
At Laura Tucker's house tomorrow, lunch.
Come hang with the girls
and we can share drugs.
BUTTERS: Wow, look at this place.
Well, hello there. Looking
to get some insurance?
No. My friend's mom already
has insurance with your company.
Oh, great. You're here to pay your bill.
No, no, we're not
here to give you money.
We're here to file a claim
for my friend's medication.
Oh, you want money from us.
Right through that door over there.
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
Hello.
We want to file a
claim to get my friend's
weight-loss drugs paid for.
Oh, okay.
Do you want to know his
policy number or anything?
Let me let me just speak
with our medical director first.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Sorry, but we don't pay
for medicines for obesity
because it's not a disease.
Who was that?
That was the medical director.
The medical director
decides what claims are valid
for us to pay for.
But you didn't say who the patient was
and what was wrong with him.
Right. The medical director's job
is just to say no.
Look, my friend's mom has been
paying you people for years,
and his doctor says his
weight is a medical concern,
and obesity is a disease.
Oprah Winfrey says so!
Okay, okay, calm down. Calm down.
I didn't realize I was
dealing with someone
who had so much determination.
If you do a little more
work, I think we can get
your medications paid for.
W-We can?
Yeah, you see, the doctors and
the pharmaceutical companies
and the insurance companies
all kind of work together.
So all you have to do is navigate
the American health care system.
♪
BUTTERS: We're gonna
navigate the American ♪
Health care system ♪
- It's there for you and me ♪
- Just fill out these forms.
We're gonna get better ♪
And we're gonna be strong ♪
And as healthy as can be ♪
I need to send you to Imaging.
Let's navigate the American ♪
Health care system ♪
Just fill out these forms.
I just I just filled
'em out at the last place.
It's so much fun to
be getting it done ♪
I can't sign this for insurance.
His original doctor needs to sign this.
We go back to the doctor ♪
To get that thing for insurance ♪
Then go back to insurance ♪
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
We need you to get a second opinion
- from a doctor who's in network.
- Ugh.
We're navigating the
American health care system ♪
Now just watch us go ♪
We're getting things done,
taking care of our health ♪
We need these filled out and then faxed
to your insurance company.
We're filling out forms ♪
And we're scanning those forms ♪
And then we're emailing those forms ♪
To get them back to insurance. ♪
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
We need confirmation from
a different specialist.
Let's go and navigate the American ♪
Health care system ♪
It's the best system of them all ♪
No, we already talked
to the insurance company.
They were supposed to talk to you.
And we go back to the doctor ♪
We go back to the specialist ♪
Who talks to the insurance company ♪
That faxes the medical advisor ♪
Who's on a boat in the Maldives ♪
- No.
- And were going in one place ♪
And we're coming
out the other place ♪
And we're back over here now ♪
And I was just over there ♪
And I'm getting confused,
and it's getting dark ♪
And my mind is all different colors ♪
And I think I'm lost. ♪
(ECHOING): Hey, fellas, I think I'm lost
in the American health care system.
Fellas? Fellas?!
Help!
So my doctor says, "I
don't think you really need
these drugs, Mrs. Stotch.
They're more for people
with morbid obesity."
I was like, "I have to be
in a bikini on Wednesday.
You can morbid obesity my ass."
I heard most doctors
will still prescribe
the ten milligram Zepbound shots.
No, they're cracking down
on those, too, because
people with diabetes need it.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey!
Oh, hey, Randy.
Girls, Randy says he has a hookup
on some really good shit.
- Oh, wow, let me get some of that.
- (EXCITED CHATTER)
Welcome to the club, Randy.
Which drugs are you on?
Well, I'm on whatever.
I brought a little
appetizer for everybody.
Everyone. Everyone,
we have a little surprise for you all.
So, Alexis Testaburger just decided
to start taking the drugs.
She went to Mexico and was able to get
a 12-injection sample through customs.
Party time, guys.
- No way.
- How can you get it? How much can you get?
- Oh, my God.
- How much is it? I need it now.
- Oh, I want some. I need it now.
- I'm all out.
Here you go, Randy.
Oh, thanks, yeah.
That's, uh, yeah, awesome.
Is something wrong, Randy?
No. No, I'm not a-scared.
Well, go ahead, Randy.
ALL (CHANTING): Randy!
Randy! Randy! Randy!
♪
Bravo!
(ALL CHEER)
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy
Cry, little sister ♪
Thou shall not fall ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
- Come, come to your brother ♪
Thou shall not die ♪
Unchain me, sister ♪
Thou shall not fear ♪
Love is with your brother ♪
Thou shall not kill ♪
WHISPERING VOICE: Randy
Randy
Oh, you're finally up.
You got home late last night.
Oh, uh, yeah.
I was just out doing some hiking.
You were hiking at night?
Yeah, I was hiking really a lot.
Well, here, I made you
some bacon and eggs.
Uh, no, thanks. I'm
really not that hungry.
Towelie. Towelie. You're
not gonna believe this.
Dude, have you ever
done GLP-1 peptides?
GLP pep what now?
There's these new, crazy
drugs people are doing.
It's like cocaine and
molly mixed together.
They make women go crazy.
No, really?
Yeah. Last night I was partying
with nine hot MILFs,
and this morning I
woke up, and guess what.
I don't feel like total shit.
It's like a miracle drug.
You partied all night and
felt fine the next morning?
Totally fine.
There's, like, nothing wrong with me.
Wow. You want half a breakfast burrito?
No, I'm good. I seriously thought
maybe I couldn't do hard drugs anymore
'cause of all the
downsides the next day,
but this, like, changes everything.
There's another rager at Mable
Thompson's house tomorrow.
I can't fuckin' wait.
Stan, Kenny, we need your help.
Hey, where have you guys been?
We've been out navigating the
American health care system.
I almost died.
It's so fucked up, you
guys don't even understand.
What's fucked up?
They just purposely make it difficult
for people to pay for what they need.
The insurance companies, the hospitals
and the drug companies,
they're making obesity drugs
more expensive in America than
anywhere else in the world.
There are celebrities and rich people
using these new drugs to
lose a few extra pounds,
and meanwhile, Cartman's fat as fuck
- and can't get any help.
- Dude, what do you want us
- to do about it?
- Yeah.
I was watching a bunch of videos online.
They show how you can order
raw semaglutide from a factory
in India and mix your own injections
for next to nothing.
You mean, like, we're
gonna get powder from India,
and make it into obesity
shots for Cartman ourselves?
Who needs hospitals and insurance
when we have TikTok and YouTube?
♪
It's my life, whatever I wanna do ♪
It's my life ♪
Wherever I wanna go ♪
It's my life, whom
I wanna love, uh-oh ♪
It's my life, whatever I wanna talk ♪
It's my life, wherever I wanna walk ♪
It's my life ♪
Whom I wanna leave, uh-oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
The semiglutides are here!
People think that
I'm somewhat mental ♪
They don't know I
am very sentimental ♪
Na, na, na, na ♪
Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪
♪
Is something wrong with the food, Randy?
No, no, it was great.
You're done?
You want to just skip to dessert?
I made your favorite pie.
Ooh, pie?
Yeah, maybe later.
Kids, can you leave the
table so I can have a talk
with your father?
What? What'd I do? Don't leave.
Randy, I think I know what's going on.
You do?
Yeah. You keep saying
you're going to the gym
and doing Pilates, but then
you aren't eating anything.
Are you doing those new
drugs everyone's doing?
What? Oh, my God.
What? Sharon.
I am not doing drugs.
Just be honest, Randy.
Sharon, I smoke weed and
drink beer. That's it.
I can't believe you would
even think I would
- Sharon!
- Then how are you not eating?
What ? I ate.
Just 'cause I don't eat as much as you.
Just 'cause I'm doing
Pilates, working out and stuff.
Sorry, I don't eat as much as you do.
I'm just trying to be
better. Not on drugs.
Why would you even suggest
that I'm doing drugs?
Are you drunk?
♪
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Randy. Thank God.
We have a big problem.
There's no more drugs!
No more drugs?
- Do you have any?
- Well, no.
- I thought you guys always had plenty
- Shit.
Randy doesn't have any either.
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
- Goddamn it.
We've been totally cut off.
W-W-What, what happened?
There's been a nationwide crackdown
because doctors are saying
some people are abusing the drugs.
Well, what else are you
supposed to do with drugs?
What are we gonna do?
I know what we should do.
Let's go knock off a pharmacy.
They have plenty of drugs.
- Good idea. Yeah.
- Yes.
I know for a fact the pharmacy on
Tanner Street has a whole new supply.
So we'll break in and take 'em.
(OVERLAPPING AGREEMENTS)
- We can do it. - Yes.
- Uh, I think, ladies,
we can get in a lot of
trouble for doing that.
That's right.
So we have to make sure
nobody knows it's us.
Nobody move. This is a holdup.
Stay calm and nobody gets hurt.
Keep your hands up.
This will all be over soon.
Go make sure the back doors are locked.
Ah Okay. God.
Oh, come on, Mrs. Tucker, Mrs. Neely,
how many times do I have to tell you
these drugs aren't meant
for people like you.
How do you even know who we are?
Because you ladies can't
help but expose your stomachs
everywhere you go, no matter
how inappropriate it is. Ah!
Come on, get the drugs
and let's get out of here.
That's all of it.
- All right, come on. Let's go.
- All right. Come on.
- Let's go! Let's get out of here.
- Let's go. Let's go.
Hey, there's some OxyContin and Vicodin,
should I grab that, too?
No?
(WHIRRING)
All right, that should
be good. Kill the switch.
(CLICKS)
Okay, Kenny, bring over the injector.
It's done?
It's done.
You know, Cartman,
this could be dangerous.
- If you don't want to
- To hell with danger.
This can change my life, Kyle.
Let's do it.
Kenny.
Well
Here it goes, guys.
Cartman?
Do you feel anything?
I think so.
- Get me some Cocoa Puffs.
- What?
I need to make a cereal bomb.
Get me Cocoa Puffs, Cap'n Crunch
and a bucket of KFC. Hurry.
- So, what's going on?
- We don't know.
Cartman's been in the bathroom
with the bucket of cereal
for almost 30 minutes.
Dude, Cartman, what are you doing?
(LOCK CLICKING)
Look at this.
Look at what?
There's two chicken thighs in there.
So?
So? Do you know the last time
I couldn't finish a cereal bomb?
I think these drugs totally work!
They do?
My favorite thing in the world is
eating a cereal bomb and taking a shit
at the same time to make more room.
But I got to the last two thighs
at the bottom and I was like,
"Wait a minute, I think I'm full."
I've never known that feeling
before in my life, you guys.
But I'm full.
You really can feel a difference?
I totally feel a difference.
I always drink the chocolatey
chicken milk left at the bottom,
but it's still sitting there.
Wow!
Dude, I think we did it,
Kyle. What do we do now?
Now?
Now, we're gonna make a whole lot more.
We're not gonna just help Cartman,
we're gonna help everyone in America
who can't afford obesity drugs.
All of us in the sugar
business have a big problem.
We designed our cereals
so that people would
always crave more and more.
But now obesity drugs are making people
less cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Ain't that right, Sonny?
We're talking a 60% hit to the business.
These obesity drugs are
an attack on all of us.
Even you, Cap'n Crunch.
The drugs are moving in on our turf.
And we'll all be in trouble soon.
Trix Rabbit
Tony le Tigre
and Sugar Bear.
We're only losing all the rich people.
We'll be fine as long
as lower-income people
keep taking Lizzo.
- Lizzo, yeah.
- Lizzo, that's right. Yep, yep.
- Lizzo.
- BOSS: We can't just keep
pushing body positivity on people
because there's a new threat
compounding pharmacies.
Hey, what up, guys?
It's your new friends
at South Park Compounding Pharmacy.
We are now taking orders
for our affordable
obesity drugs available to everyone.
We're not here to just make money,
we're here to make things fair.
- And to make some money.
- Our semaglutides are safe
and even cheaper than a
Little Debbie snack cake.
Motherfucker.
So just "Like and Subscribe"
if you want to get on the list
and we will get everyone who wants it
their semaglutides.
These people think they can just come in
and mess with everything we've built?
I say we kill every
last fucking one of 'em.
♪
(GROANS)
(GASPS)
Oh, my God!
Mom, Mom! Look at me.
Eric! Oh, my goodness.
It worked, Mom. I'm normal.
- Kyle, Kenny!
- Whoa. Cartman?
It worked, you guys. Check me out.
(MUFFLED): It's amazing, dude.
- Yeah, and guess what, Kyle?
- What?
You're a big dumb Jew and
your breath stinks like ass.
- What?
- Yeah.
And, Kenny, you have greasy hair
'cause your family's too
poor to afford shampoo.
- Dude, fuck you.
- What are you gonna say back?
Nothing. Oh, my God, it worked!
Hey, you guys.
Wow, Cartman?
Yeah. You all have zits on your tits.
You have big zits but tiny tits.
Oh. Oh, yeah?
What you got? You got nothing!
You want to know what else, Pakistan?
You all have stupid haircuts.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMING)
- CARTMAN: Yeah.
You're haircuts are dumb
and that's why your
women cover their heads.
Yeah! Yes (GASPS)
The-the fuck is this?
Hmm.
Oh?
Oh ?
Yeah, well, it's official.
It's been one week and
Eric's lost 1.3 pounds.
1.3 pounds? Is that good?
I'd say it's good.
This is so great, you guys.
Last night, I had a dream
about all the amazing things
I'm gonna do when I'm skinny.
Thank you, guys, so much.
We just got another order, fellas.
50 more cases heading out.
50 more? That's great.
How's it going on the injectors, Kenny?
(MUFFLED): It's going good,
just trying to keep up.
Well, it's been a week, Cartman.
So, are you ready for your second dose?
I'm so ready, Kyle. It's really working.
This morning, for breakfast,
I couldn't even finish
half a cereal bomb on the toilet.
Okay, tomorrow, maybe let's go
for no cereal bombs on the toilet.
All right, here's your
next dose, Cartman.
- You know the drill.
- I sure do.
(GUNS CLICK)
- Hands up!
- This is a holdup.
Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.
- Hand over the obesity drugs.
- What?
I got 'em, I got 'em!
Get it all. There's more over here.
- No, this is mine.
- Give it to me, fatso.
Fuck you, I need that.
Give me the peptide,
you little fat fuck!
- We got it!
- Let's go. Let's get out of here.
- Okay, go!
- Drive, drive, drive!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Come on, give me some of that shit!
I'm telling you, Sheila, these
new drugs are pretty amazing.
I was feeling so ashamed of myself.
Watching Randy go out
and exercise all the time
and not eating as much.
But I just don't have the
same kind of willpower he has.
Which of the drugs are you on, Sharon?
Ozempic? Mounjaro?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no, I
talked to my doctor.
He said insurance would only
pay for those if I had diabetes.
But if you can't afford them,
then how are you managing your weight?
Don't you know, Sheila?
Now there's a whole new obesity drug
for those of us who can't
afford Ozempic and Mounjaro.
I've controlled all my
cravings to be thinner
with Lizzo!
Oh, oh, oh, it's Lizzo ♪
NARRATOR: FDA-approved Lizzo
makes you feel good about your weight.
And it costs 90% less than Ozempic.
I've lowered my standards
and my expectations.
It's Lizzo ♪
NARRATOR: In case studies,
70% of patients on Lizzo
no longer cared how much they weighed.
I don't give two shits.
Oh, oh, oh, it's Lizzo. ♪
NARRATOR: Lizzo helps you
eat everything you want
and keep physical
activity to a minimum.
Some patients report constipation
while listening to Lizzo.
Stop listening to Lizzo if you
experience suicidal thoughts.
Serious side effects may
include pancreatitis,
hypothermia and literally
shitting out your ears.
(SCREAMS)
Are you living with
concerns of obesity?
Ask about the power of not
giving a fuck, with Lizzo.
Oh, hey, Randy. How was the party?
It was, uh
It was not great.
Oh, you didn't rage?
Oh, we raged.
I think there's something
wrong with these drugs.
I was there raging again
with a bunch of hot women
and then suddenly, I was like,
I don't know if I feel
like doing this anymore.
Like, I felt satisfied.
With any drugs, I always want
to do more and more and more.
But suddenly with these drugs,
I feel like I actually want things less.
Does that make any sense?
Not at all.
It's like, you know, with good drugs,
they make you just want and lust,
but those drugs also
make your dick not work.
But with these drugs, you
don't really crave anything
and your dick totally works.
Look, man, you're talking crazy.
I think maybe you've just fallen in
with a bad group of people.
Yeah. In a bad group of people,
doing a bunch of drugs.
Randy, you've got to get
away from those MILFs.
(PHONE RINGS)
South Park Compounding Pharmacy.
Oh, yes, ma'am, we'll
have your obesity drugs
to you really soon.
We had a bit of a robbery.
Well, we're not really sure when.
Yes, ma'am, we understand
how serious it is.
No, no, don't take the Lizzo.
We'll-we'll have a new
supply shortly, okay?
- Fellas! You gotta come quick!
- What's wrong?
It's Eric. He says he's giving up.
H-He bought a bunch of junk food
and he's gonna mix it all together!
Cartman's making another cereal bomb?
It's a cereal bomb, but
topped with Twinkies and gravy.
He said it's called an Oppenheimer.
Cartman, what are you doing?
The drugs are wearing off, Kyle.
I didn't get my second dose.
I just want to make an Oppenheimer
and forget the whole thing.
That's it? You're just gonna give up?
I don't want to hope anymore.
Well, you got to hope, Cartman. You hope
and you work instead of
turning to shit like that!
It's all just making it
worse, Kyle. Don't you get it?
Knowing there's a cure.
Knowing I can have willpower
injected into my body.
It's all just made me dream about
what my future can be like.
But I realize now that those dreams
are never gonna come true.
Cartman, your dreams
are going to come true.
- No, they won't.
- Yes, they will.
You'll do everything you dreamed about,
you just have to fight for those dreams.
I don't have the willpower that you do.
Just come back to the pharmacy with us.
We're not gonna quit.
But all our shit got stolen.
My obesity drugs are with some women
- who don't even need them.
- So, are we gonna let them win?
People can be as unfair as they want.
But as long as there's
a factory in India,
I will never stop making
obesity drugs for the needy.
(MACHINERY WHIRRING)
♪
This is the place.
Little Debbie!
You think you can sell your
drugs on our fuckin' turf?
Only one drug is king in America.
And that drug is sugar.
One of the largest
manufacturers of semaglutide
was attacked today by
body positivity activists.
Our own Bill Norman has more.
Tom, the advocates for body positivity
broke into this obesity
medicine facility
and opened fire on everyone inside.
The terrorists claimed that
obesity is not a disease
and that every body is beautiful
as they then burned the
factory to the ground.
The identity of the
attackers is still unknown,
but one member of the militant group
sent this anonymous message.
(DISTORTED): Now
instead of obesity drugs,
people will have to rely on good things,
like self-esteem and body positivity.
They're grrreat!
Does this mean I'm not
gonna get my next dose?
I'm just gonna stay fat?
What the hell is wrong with people?
Am I just gonna stay fucking fat, Kyle?
- No, we're gonna do something else.
- But the body positivity people
are just gonna destroy all the drugs
- and I'm gonna be fat.
- You are not gonna be fat, Cartman.
- I'm gonna be fat. Yes, I am.
- Listen to me.
- I'm gonna be fat forever!
- You're not gonna be fat!
You can't do anything.
They have all the power.
- We'll get the drugs somewhere else.
- They want to keep me this way.
- We just have to keep working harder.
- I'm gonna be fat as fuck, Kyle!
We're gonna fuckin' figure it out!
Ugh. Ooh.
Cartman?
I just got to get my
next dose soon, you guys.
Something's going on down there.
(FARTING)
(FARTING CONTINUES)
(FARTING LOUDLY)
It's okay, you're just experiencing
some side effects from your medication.
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's all right, Mrs. Marsh.
We've been seeing a lot of this
lately with people taking Lizzo.
Now, are you mostly defecating
out your anus or out your ears?
M-My ears.
Yup, all right, let's take a look.
Uh-huh. Yep.
Okay.
Well, that confirms it, Mrs. Marsh.
I'm afraid with all the
Lizzo you've been takin',
you've given yourself "diabeartes."
- What? I have diabetes?
- Diab-ear-tes.
It's a mild form of diabetes
that occurs mostly in the ears.
It's something you'll have to manage
for the rest of your life.
But that's really good news.
H-How the hell is that good news?
Because! Now I can write you
a prescription for Ozempic!
With your condition,
you're finally eligible
for semaglutides.
I-I can get on Ozempic now?
Yes, ma'am.
Congratulations on your
diabeartes, Mrs. Marsh.
We'll see you back here
looking skinny in a few weeks.
All right, next. Come on in, Mrs. Munoz.
Experiencing some side
effects with your Lizzo?
- Yes.
- (FARTS)
(MOANS)
Come on, dude. You
don't want to do this.
CARTMAN: Yes, I do.
Eric, there's so much to live for.
What's he doing?
Cartman's in there with a cereal bomb
that he says is ten
times more destructive
- than an Oppenheimer.
- He says it's called a Stormy Daniels.
Cartman!
Cartman, stop! I have a solution!
CARTMAN: Forget it. I'm going
down with a Stormy Daniels.
No, Cartman, stop eating!
I found more semaglutide.
It's gonna be here within the hour.
(LOCK CLICKING)
Go easy, Cartman.
What do you mean it's gonna
be here within the hour?
I found another supplier
in North Carolina.
They make raw semaglutides
for all the other drugs.
They let me order a whole
truck of raw powder wholesale.
The app says the truck is
already almost here. See?
As soon as it gets here, we
can make you another dose,
and you'll have your willpower back.
You just gotta hang
on a little bit longer.
Fine. I won't eat it just yet.
Kenny, put this in the refrigerator
so the skin doesn't get soggy.
KENNY: Ew, gross.
Okay, let's be totally ready
when the truck gets here.
Stan, get the biostatic water ready.
Butters, prepare another syringe.
The delivery is gonna be
here in the next 40 minutes.
Now I can't help myself at all ♪
And I get whiskey
bent and hell bound ♪
(TRUCK DOWNSHIFTS)
Play me some songs
about a ramblin' man. ♪
(AIR BRAKES HISS)
Got some construction going on.
Seems kind of inappropriate
to wear a midriff shirt
while working, don't it?
Take your foot off the pedal!
How much semaglutide
you got in the back?!
- Hey!
- Get him, girls!
(SCREAMS) No!
- (BLOWS LANDING)
- Stop.
Stop!
Fuck this!
What the hell are you doing?
You're bad people!
I'm getting the fuck away from you!
Hey!
(SCREAMS)
He's taking the drugs!
Get that motherfucker!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Shit!
Oh, goddamn it.
- What's wrong?
- The truck was almost here
but now it's going the wrong way again.
What the fuck is this guy doing?
(TIRES SCREECH)
KYLE: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Now it's doing that thing
where it just keeps
spinning around in circles.
Oh, I hate that.
Come on, we got to go
track this asshole down.
- (SHOUTS)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Whoa!
Oh!
What the fuck?
The truck went west by Target.
And then went east again.
I think it's over this way now.
I don't get it. It says
the truck is right here.
Uh, there it is.
(RANDY SHOUTING)
Oh, shit!
- (BRAKES SQUEAL)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Dad, what are you doing?
Uh, oh, uh
I'm in deep, Stan.
Daddy's a drug addict.
I should have never worn
this midriff shirt to school.
Certain things just
aren't appropriate to wear.
Oh-oh, look, fellas!
Give us the drugs!
Aw, not them again.
Get in the truck!
Whoa, whoa, wait!
(SHOUTS) Fellas, help!
You guys, look.
Is that the cops?
What is that?
Destroy that shipment!
Dude, it's Cocoa Puffs bird.
(GUNFIRE)
And-and Cap'n Crunch.
I think that's Cap'n Crunch.
You ain't taking this shit
to your compounding pharmacy!
What's a compounding pharmacy?
- Aah!
- Whoa!
Those are our drugs, fuckos!
(HORN BLARING)
(SCREAMS)
- Aah!
- Tony the Tiger killed Kenny!
Stan, take Daddy's gun
and shoot those MILFs!
No, Dad, I'm not shooting anyone's mom.
I'll fucking shoot them.
Dat-doobie-doobie-dat, Golden Crisp. ♪
Butters, what are you doing?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Butters, you give Mommy
those obesity drugs right now!
But I thought you didn't
use obesity drugs, Mom.
I thought you were
doing Pilates and stuff.
♪
(SHOUTING)
(SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SHOUTING)
Ooh!
(SCREAMS)
Fuck you!
Koo-koo!
Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
♪
- STAN: The fuck are you doing?
- I can reach it.
Cartman, get your fat
ass back in the truck.
No, I can get them.
I can get the obesity
drugs. I can have my hunger
suppressed for another week.
(ALL SCREAMING)
No!
Dad, look out!
Whoa!
(SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(AIR BRAKES HISS)
Get the drugs in the garage!
We'll make Cartman's shot first.
Kyle, what the hell is going on?
We've got a full order
of semaglutides to
be given to the needy.
They're all trying to take
it, but everything in here
belongs to us.
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
Hello.
Where's our drugs?
Yeah, the, uh, pharmaceutical company
you ordered from was insured with us.
What do you mean? We-we don't get them?
You'll-you'll be able to get them.
See, we just work in
tandem with the suppliers,
so all you'll have to do is navigate
BOTH: the American
health care system.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
♪
Oh, my God, stop!
Sharon, you don't want
to mess with that stuff.
Randy, why are you wearing
one of Shelley's shirts?
It's time for me to tell you the truth.
I told you that I've
been going out on hikes
and doing Pilates.
But it's not true.
I've just been
doing that shit.
You have?
Why didn't you just
admit it when I asked you?
Well, 'cause I thought you'd be pissed.
I had no idea you'd
want to do 'em, too.
But how have you been getting them?
They're so hard to get.
A, uh, a group of women
were sharing theirs with me.
I'd go to their houses and, uh
do it with them.
Oh, and what do you think?
Are you seeing any improvements?
Wha ? Wait.
You're-you're not pissed?
No, I'm not pissed, Randy.
Everyone wants to do this stuff.
How can you say no to it?
You are so much cooler
than any other woman
out there, you know that?
And I do not want you to change one bit.
You don't? Really?
The truth is, Sharon,
I think these are bad drugs.
They just made me crave everything less
and yet my dick still worked.
Hey, let's say just you and me
go to the Holiday Inn
tonight and do some molly.
What? Like we did back in college?
Yeah, sweetheart.
Let's go do some good drugs.
(RANDY AND SHARON LAUGHING, CLAMORING)
RANDY: Hey, oh, hey, Sharon,
look, my dick doesn't work!
- SHARON: Oh, wow.
- Yeah! Ha-ha, this is great!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Well, I guess that's it for
our compounding pharmacy.
Yeah, I'm just kind of
glad it's all over with.
I was wrong.
I used to think fat people
just needed more willpower.
But now I see what it's like
to have willpower not be enough.
We got sugar companies,
pharmaceutical companies
and insurance companies all
just trying to figure out
how to make money off
of our fucking health.
How can anyone have willpower
when all these forces
are manipulating us every day?
It's impossible.
And I've learned one
very important thing.
It isn't fair to put the blame
on anyone for their weight.
Yeah.
ALL: Yeah.
What do you say, guys?
Let's all agree as a school
no, as a society
that we won't make fun
of obesity anymore.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Wait, what did you say?
I said we're not going to be critical
of anyone for their weight ever again.
- ("FREE RIDE" BY EDGAR WINTER PLAYING)
- Are you serious?
But, you guys,
that's all I've been
wishing for this whole time.
It all worked out, you guys.
- Kyle, guess what?
- What?
You're a fucking dipshit ginger.
You've got fucking freckles and
your religion is a goddamn lie.
Shut up, Cartman.
You you
Oh, my God, yes!
Fucking yes!
Wendy, you've got little tiny saggy tits
and your breath stinks.
- What?
- That's it!
That's it, you can't
say anything, and you
Come on and take a free ride ♪
Hey, Mr. Rollins, you
dress like a bitch.
Hello, ma'am, you've got a big nose.
Hey, do I know you? Fuck you.
Nice hair, cheesedick.
Ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair.
Hey, ugly, I'm checking in, please.
You're flying to Pakistan
all by yourself, young man?
That's right.
I've got a lot of catching up to do.
Yes!
Free ride ♪
Come on and sit here by my side ♪
Come on and take a free ride. ♪
♪
♪