Cheers s01e01 Episode Script

How about a beer, chief? How about an ID? An ID? That's very flattering! Wait till I tell the missus.
Military ID.
First Sergeant Walter Keller, born 1944.
That makes you 38.
- Must've fought in Vietnam.
- Yeah.
- What was it like? - It was gross.
Yeah, that's what they say.
War is gross.
I'm sorry, soldier.
This is the thanks we get.
Sumner, this is crazy.
Diane, we're about to be married.
Married! Congratulations! Let's celebrate with a drink.
I think not.
I give it six months.
Perhaps we won't have children right away.
- Come on.
Let's sit here.
- We have a plane to catch.
I insist you have my grandmother's antique gold wedding ring.
Didn't you say it's still on your ex-wife's finger? I don't need it.
- You're enough for me.
- True.
But symbols are important.
Let me call Barbara and see if she's home.
The phone's back here.
As long as we're here, let's celebrate with some champagne.
Hello? Sam? Are you Sam? - Yes.
- Yes, he's here.
Someone named Vicki.
No.
No, she knows you're here.
I told her you're here.
Well Now, look I'm sorry, I was wrong.
He had to step out.
Where? Well, I think what happened is he he had to go to mime class.
Yes, I'll take a message.
You're welcome.
- Well? - You're a magnificent pagan beast.
Thanks.
What's the message? Listen, I didn't like doing that.
I'm sorry.
If I didn't own this place, I'd fire me on the spot.
For lying for me, I'll buy you your first drink.
I'd like a bottle of your best champagne.
It wasn't that great a lie.
- No, we'll pay for it.
- We're on our way to get married.
Then this is on me.
Congratulations.
Barbara was home.
She said I can come over.
Well, do you want me to go with you? No, it could get a trifle sticky.
Besides, if she saw the dazzling beauty who's about to succeed her, it would break her heart again.
Sumner, I'm not beautiful.
Blasphemy.
So where's the ceremony gonna be? - Tomorrow, in Barbados.
- Nice.
I'm Dr Sumner Sloane, Professor of World Literature at the U.
He has an article in Harper's.
Diane's been my teaching assistant for two years.
Today, I was sitting in my office with Diane.
I looked up from my Proust, she had her nose in her Yeats.
I said to myself, "I would be crazy to let this girl get out of my life.
" So, right there on the spot, I said, "Let's get married.
" What he actually said was, "Come with me and be my love, and we will some new pleasures prove.
" - That's Donne.
- I certainly hope so.
No.
John Donne, the poet.
Well, that's lovely.
Listen, I must dash.
I'll be back in ten minutes.
- Excuse me, what's your name? - Sam.
Listen, Sam, old man, I have an errand to run.
Diane will stay here.
I'd appreciate it if you would keep an eye on her.
For you, Sumner, old man, I'll keep both my eyes on her.
Sumner, am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once in love with? Darling, I'm leaving you alone in a bar.
- Which one of us is the stupider? - Too close to call.
In any case, you sit at the bar and chat with Sam while I'm gone.
I'll be back before you know it with your wedding ring.
He's quite a fella, your fiancé.
Listen, you don't have to make conversation with me.
I'm not in the habit of talking with bartenders.
I understand.
One's trying to move into my neighbourhood.
Call that a football team? - What's wrong, Coach? - The Patriots did it again.
This is the worst draft yet.
They got a first-round pick.
Did they get a jackrabbit for the backfield? No.
A gunslinger at quarterback? No.
A linebacker they get.
I've seen a good linebacker turn a team around.
Yeah, me, too.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I hope nobody told you the bus goes by here.
She'll be here for a while.
Excuse me.
I hate to keep asking for special attention, but could you not discuss my private life with everyone? - What would you like me to tell him? - I don't care.
- She's a hooker.
- Yeah? - Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
- Carla's late again.
- Nuts.
OK, I'm late! My kid was throwing up all over the place.
You don't buy that excuse, I quit.
I don't work for a man who has no compassion for my children.
And you're not exactly swamped here.
I'm usually punctual.
If you don't like it, fine.
This ain't such a great job.
I'm gonna change.
Think I was too hard on her? - Hiya, Coach.
- Hi, Carla.
Patriots finally got the linebacker they needed.
Are you nuts? They're up to their ears in linebackers! That's true.
They do have a lot.
I love to see a woman who isn't afraid to take her luggage out for a drink.
She doesn't want to be disturbed.
Well, tell Her Nibs I'm sorry.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norm, what do you know? - Not enough.
What do you think of the Patriots' draft? They need linebackers like I need antlers.
That new linebacker will put 'em in the Super Bowl.
He'll probably do that.
I got an awful headache.
Sox lost again today, Sam.
Sure could have used you.
Not in the shape I'm in, Norm.
You, miss! Wouldn't you love to see Sammy flinging the horsehide? Flinging what? Don't you know who he is? He was one of the best pitchers in baseball.
Samuel "Mayday" Malone.
I coached this kid in double-A ball, and with the Red Sox.
He was one of the best Little Leaguers ever.
- Take it easy, Coach.
- No, I mean it, he was the best.
- Sure as the earth is round.
- You don't believe that.
I didn't until I saw those pictures from the space shuttle.
Sam once struck out Cash, Kaline and Freehan with a tying run on second.
How long is the wimp convention in town? Carla, heel.
If you were so good, why aren't you still playing? I developed an elbow problem.
I bent it too much.
You were a drunk? Are you kidding? He was a great drunk.
Anything he did, it was great.
I was not a great drunk.
I was a good drunk.
Are you drunk now? I haven't had a drink in three years.
I'm proud you licked it, Sammy.
Must've been hell.
- Why do you own a bar? - I bought it when I was a drunk.
I held on to it for sentimental reasons.
You, miss.
What you reading? A book? Excuse me.
Where is your bathroom? Next to my bedroom.
Down the hall.
So, what's Goldilocks's story? - Never mind.
- Come on, Sam.
- Why can't you tell us? - Yeah, what's the big deal? Take it easy.
Sam's shy about these things.
- I'll fill you in.
She's a hooker.
- She's not a hooker.
Well, not in the traditional sense.
She's not a hooker at all.
Finest young lady I ever met.
My head is killing me.
Look, she does not want to be bothered.
She's waiting for her fiancé.
They're going to the Caribbean to get married.
OK? They missed you.
Another beer, Norm? Well, yeah, one more quick one.
Thanks.
- He's not back yet? - No.
Why don't you make a run for it? You're a bitter little person, aren't you? Yeah.
Well, I have a right to be.
- My husband left me with four kids.
- Four kids? Right.
And after I paid his way through school hustling drinks.
What school did your husband go to? The Colletti Academy.
TV repair.
So the minute he graduated, he left me.
Said I wouldn't fit in with the other repairmen's wives.
Big shot! - He sounds like a cur.
- Yeah.
Well, he's not all bad.
He still fixes my set and only bills me for parts.
If it's my missus, I'm on my way.
Cheers.
Yeah, just a sec.
Is there an Ernie Pantusso? - That's you, Coach.
- Speaking.
I'd like two draughts and a Scotch on the rocks.
That group's arguing about the sweatiest movie ever made.
The what? What movie did people sweat most in? That's easy.
Rocky II.
No, not even close.
Body Heat.
Sweat city.
Ben Hur.
The boys in that galley sweat like pigs.
Alien.
Buckets.
The night before my wedding and I'm in the middle of a sweat contest.
Speaking of sweat, here's a little-known fact.
Women have fewer sweat glands than men, but they're larger, more active.
- The human body.
- Consequently, they sweat more.
Really? Sure.
How about you, miss? What are your perspiration patterns? Sumner, I'm so glad to see you.
These men have been arguing over the sweatiest movie ever made.
- Cool Hand Luke.
- That's one! What happened to you? It's been over an hour.
Diane, that woman is extraordinary.
- Did she give you the ring? - I couldn't take it.
- We've got a plane to catch.
- Diane, I love you.
But when I was with Barbara, something stirred inside me.
We can talk about it on the flight.
I can't fly to Barbados this confused.
It's OK, the pilot knows the way.
I love your wit.
You're a beautiful child.
- Let's go to Barbados.
- Let's go to Barbados.
- Who isn't here? - Me.
Cheers.
Just a minute.
If you're not, I apologise, but is your name Sumner Sloane? Yes, it is.
Hello? No, it's alright.
She understands and I understand.
Barbara, that's very human of you.
I'll be right over.
And, Barbara, your depth frightens me.
She insists that you have the ring.
We won't have time to catch our flight.
You call and get us on a later flight.
I'll get the ring.
- Sumner - Yes? - How about a kiss? - Maybe.
I'll play it by ear.
Cheer up, cookie.
He may have been in an accident.
I'm knocking off, Sam.
Home to my book.
- Still working on that novel? - Yeah, coming on six years now.
I got a feeling I might finish it tonight.
- You're writing a novel? - No, reading one.
Wait a second.
I want you to take Norm home.
- Norm! - I'm up.
One quick one then I really gotta fly.
- Coach will take you home.
- I'll give you a lift.
- Goodnight, Sam.
- Goodnight.
Coach, we stop somewhere, I'll buy you a beer.
Norm, you're in here every night.
Doesn't your wife wonder where you're at? Wonders.
Doesn't care.
Night, Sam.
Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
That's OK, Ron.
Goodnight.
You must get real tired of hearing people cry in their beer.
I wonder why people tell bartenders their problems.
- It's kind of sad, isn't it? - Yeah.
These poor wretches with no one in the world to turn to but some stranger who mixes drinks.
I met Sumner two years ago.
I was so flattered when he went out of his way to pick me as his teaching assistant.
I'm still kind of in awe of him, you know.
He's the most brilliant man I've ever known.
For the last two years, he's been the most important thing in my life, and now I may be losing him.
Come on.
Look, you are a very attractive young lady.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Sure.
You're gonna find someone a lot better than that goofy professor.
Goofy? Are you talking about Sumner? - I'm talking about Sumner.
- You don't like Sumner.
I don't like Sumner.
- You know why you don't like Sumner? - Because he's goofy.
No.
Because he's everything you're not.
He's well bred, highly educated, he's distinguished, he's urbane - You left out "goofy".
- I did not leave out "goofy"! - You were coming to it? - I should have expected this.
That goof will be on the cover of Saturday Review someday.
That goof is probably gonna be on a beach tomorrow, rubbing suntan oil on his ex-wife.
I've had a real rough day, and I'm now going to reward myself by getting out of here.
When Sumner comes back, will you say I've gone home? Fine.
I forgot to change the reservations again.
- Use this one.
- Thank you.
I'd like to change the reservations for Mr and Mrs Sumner Sloane, flight 481 to Barbados.
They did? Are you sure? No, thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- How did you know? Bartenders' intuition.
A shame such an astute observer of human nature is stuck behind a bar.
That's what I think.
Well, why not bring your remarkable powers to bear and enlighten me as to what my future holds? I'm probably gonna regret this, but you could work here.
Sam.
Shut up for a second, will you? I need I need two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended, rocks, Chivas rocks, soda, a Comfort Manhattan, no cherry, a white wine spritzer, an Old Bushmill Irish decaf, no sugar.
What makes you think I would ever work in a place like this? Simple.
You can't go back to the professor for work.
I need a waitress.
You need a job.
You like the people here.
You think they like you.
And the phrase "magnificent pagan beast" has never left your mind.
Now, look, buster.
I do need a job.
And I'll find one.
And you can bet that it won't be waiting tables.
What are you qualified to do? Nothing.
But somewhere, there is a job that I'm perfect for, that's perfect for me.
I'll find it.
And when I do, I'll know it.
Carla, what am I making? Two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended, rocks, Chivas rocks, soda, a Comfort Manhattan, no cherry, a white wine spritzer with a twist, one Old Bushmill lrish decaf, hold the sugar.
Your first customers.
- Wish me luck.
- Luck.
Hello.
Welcome to Cheers.
My name is Diane.
I will be serving you.
Why don't you sit down here? I should tell you, parenthetically, that you are the first people that I have ever served.
If anyone had told me a week ago that I would be doing this, I would have thought them insane.
When Sam offered me the job, I laughed in his face.
But then it occurred to me, here I am, I'm a student.
Not just in an academic sense, but a student of life.
And where better than here to study life in all its many facets? People meet in bars, they part, they rejoice, they suffer.
They come here to be with their own kind.
What can I get you? Where is police? We have lost our luggage.