Family Guy s01e01 Episode Script

[Cheery instrumental music.]
Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
- Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? - No, Dad.
He's lying.
There's no doubt about that.
Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit.
That'll give you time to think about what you did.
Man! That'll teach him.
Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the fire chamber for tattling on your brother.
Smoking.
How does a boy like that go so wrong? - They live in a crummy neighborhood.
- The Bradys? Yeah.
They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers.
You name it.
You folks want some pancakes? PETER: No, thanks.
See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
LOIS: [Singing.]
"It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good, old-fashioned values "on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you "all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy" [Cheery instrumental music.]
MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin.
Can I please get collagen injections? Meg, you don't need to change the way you look.
You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
[Polka music playing in gym.]
[Man and women laughing.]
[Growling.]
Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion! LOIS: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Don't pout, honey.
When you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen.
But, of course.
That was my victory day.
The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! No toys, Stewie.
Very well, then.
Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come! [Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Mom, can I turn the heat up? Don't touch the thermostat, Meg.
Your father gets upset.
Come on.
This thing goes up to 90.
Who touched the thermostat? God, how does he always know? Brain implant, Meg.
Every father's got one.
Tells you when the kids mess with the dial.
GUY: My thing went off! Your thermostat okay? - Yeah, it's all right.
- Is my kid over here? Forget it! False alarm! BRIAN: Ass ahoy.
Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on.
What's the occasion? He's going to a stag party.
Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family.
I am the man of the house.
As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.
Look, at least promise me you won't drink.
Alcohol always leads to trouble.
Come on.
You're worrying about nothing.
Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body.
Man, I hate it when he tells this story.
PRIEST: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.
- Is that really the blood of Christ? - Yes.
Man, that guy must've been wasted And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
Butter Rum's my favorite.
Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? [Audience crying.]
I got it.
That's the guy from Big.
Tom Hanks, that's it.
Funny guy, Tom Hanks.
Everything he says is a stitch.
I have AIDS.
- Promise me, Peter.
- Lois, honey, I promise.
Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.
Who wants to play Drink The Beer? Right here.
- You win.
- All right.
What do I win? Another beer! I'm going for the high score! Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Man.
Your clock won't flush.
I feel kind of bad, guys.
I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
- Don't feel bad, Peter.
- Gee.
I never thought of it like that.
Did you bring the porno? Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it.
It's a classic.
Listen, Ilsa.
If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Not today or tomorrow.
RICK: But soon, and for the rest of your life.
Come on, llsa! Get on it! [Funky music on TV.]
NARRATOR: The statue was a gift from France.
What is this? Man.
My kid must've taped over this for history class.
[Groans.]
The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? - Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
- That's just crazy enough to work.
Meg, finish your pancakes.
- Chris, elbows off your father.
- Thanks, son.
a great example for the kids, Peter.
Yeah.
A new family record.
Way to raise the bar, Dad.
Chris, you're 13.
Don't talk like that.
Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
- What did you promise me last night? - I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
- And what did you do? - Drank at the stag I almost walked right into that one.
God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.
[Machines whirring.]
Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? That's dangerous thinking, Paul.
You best stick to your work.
Okay.
You see? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right.
I mean MEG: Mom, are you all right? LOIS: My goodness.
This chair leg was loose.
Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
Damn! [Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Honey.
I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up.
Nothing bad happened.
I guess you're right.
Apology accepted.
All right, I'm going to work.
Somebody's gotta put food on this table.
How are you coming, Johnson? Mr.
Weed, I've been working on the new G.
I.
Jew line.
And as you can see, they look great.
You call these bagels? I'm glad he's on our side! [Snoring.]
MR.
WEED: Peter! PETER: What? Are you sleeping on the job? No.
There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.
Peter, I like you.
But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here.
It's your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to kids.
- Now, look sharp! - Yes, sir! [Snoring.]
[Foreboding instrumental music.]
And now back to Action News 5.
Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack.
" Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane.
The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island has released highly unsafe products into the retail market.
Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! Boy! A Pound Poochie! Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.
Peter, I'm appalled.
Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation.
You're fired! Jeez.
For how long? [Sad instrumental music.]
My God! You got fired? - Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! - How do you know about the machine? PETER: Don't worry.
I'll still put food on this table.
Just not as much.
So it might get a little competitive.
Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! BRIAN: Can we put her out in the yard for a while? LOIS: Okay, who's hungry? Jeez.
How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me! DEVIL: Lie to her.
It's okay to lie to women.
They're not people like us.
I don't know.
Hey, where's the other guy? [Cars honking.]
Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.
This is perfect! Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and: "Stop doing that.
I'm asleep.
" So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
LOIS: What's that, Peter? - Nothing.
The lost-my-job smells great.
- What? Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence? LOIS: Peter, are you feeling okay? I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.
All right, then let's eat.
I know you all hate eggplant, but What on earth was that? What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
How's your job search going? It sucks, Brian.
I've already been through two jobs this week.
I got fired off of that commercial.
DIRECTOR: Try it again.
PETER: "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs.
" DIRECTOR: No, damn it! Take 26! Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar.
Take it outside, lady.
I thought I could win money in that talent show.
EMCEE: And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! That is bull [Loud applause.]
Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent but you might want to tell Lois the truth.
What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square? Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! You can't keep lying to her about losing your job.
Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day.
Yeah.
[Bells and music on TV.]
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I'll tell her tonight.
[Crickets chirping.]
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
[Mellow instrumental music.]
Victory is mine! LOIS: I'll need the checkbook in the morning.
I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn.
You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner.
I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.
Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? I just Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but What is it, Peter? - You're getting kind of fat.
- What? It's just It's not healthy.
Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week.
When was the last time you saw your toes? I thought you people were supposed to be jolly.
Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me.
- Sorry, man.
Am I late? What did I miss? - Thank God you're here.
What do I do? Tell him to keep quiet.
He's in too deep.
I don't know.
Where's the other guy? [Cars honking.]
This is unbelievable! I promise you, everything's fine.
You got nothing to worry about.
STEWIE: Well, well, Mother! We meet again! Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Not tightly enough it would seem.
And now you contemptible harpy I shall end your reign of matriarchal tyranny.
LOIS: You can play tomorrow, honey.
Right now it's bedtime.
Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! PETER: Sweet dreams, kiddo.
You have the power to end this! How'd she take it? I told her she was fat.
No.
I hate lying to Lois.
It's just It's the best way to keep her from the truth.
You have no choice.
Your unemployment will dry up soon.
She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house.
You really oughta think of your family's welfare.
Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea! Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30.
[Breaks wind.]
What the hell was that? PETER: Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare.
Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.
How much are we getting? Let's see.
$150 a week.
Wait.
That's a comma, not a decimal.
[Uplifting instrumental music.]
Whoops.
No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon.
I was giving a piano lesson.
Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you burn in hell? No dessert for you, young man.
Who would've thought getting drunk would get me $150,000 a week from the government? This is why I don't vote.
Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too.
Mr.
President, why do you think the public supports you during these impeachment proceedings? Probably because you're so fat.
Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission.
That check is obviously an oversight.
Not necessarily.
Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer.
BRIAN: What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week? - Yeah.
- On what? LOIS: Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? No.
I just rented it.
But they're gonna be ticked.
The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.
I shall call you "Eduardo.
" Peter, how can we afford this? You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting A big raise! Peter, that's wonderful! But, Dad, I thought The kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut.
Come on, guys.
I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.
Yeah.
I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please.
CLERK: I beg your pardon? And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please.
Peter, what's the big surprise? You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? I got you your own jester.
JESTER: Good to be here in New England.
And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.
This is great.
I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of.
MEG: Thank you, Daddy! [Kisses Peter.]
I don't know, Peter.
Lips are one thing.
But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? It makes him happy.
These are cool.
MAILWOMAN: When did you get a pool? It's a moat.
I know it's silly but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that we're rich.
Does it work? It does keep the Black Knight at bay.
[Horse sputtering.]
Congratulations in all your success.
Here's your welfare check.
What the [Foghorn blowing.]
Hi, honey.
What? PETER: I know what I did was wrong.
But I only did it for you and the kids.
Except for the jukebox in the bathroom.
That was for Peter.
Yeah, from the American taxpayers.
I am so mad I can't see straight.
No problem.
We got money to get that fixed with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into.
Just like the Kennedys.
LOIS: I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter.
The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money! Boy, she's pretty pissed.
Who thought fraud would be one of her buttons? Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you? Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers.
But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it.
I need an event with thousands of people.
Something that everybody cares about.
We might have to leave Rhode Island for this.
ANNOUNCER: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football! John, we're in commercial.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just making conversation.
Come on.
Football! Amazing.
You can barely drive a car.
Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.
Boy, I hope Lois is watching.
Okay, taxpayers, here you go! PAT: Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John.
Yeah.
Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain! I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp.
Man.
I hope this works.
Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these.
[People cheering.]
JOHN: The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Just once.
The 1975 Cotton Bowl.
This is the old "trying to make amends "for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds" play.
I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! - Madden to Fox Security.
- Go ahead.
JOHN: Take them down! GUARD: Yes, sir.
How was your shower? I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Really? You can't hold onto that thing to save your life.
It was slipping everywhere.
Guys were laughing.
GUY: There's the guy that couldn't hold the soap.
That was classic.
Boy.
I really let Lois down this time.
Do you think she'll wait for me? If every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp, no one would be married.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, I got the top bunk.
My collagen is wearing off.
Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way of telling you you shouldn't cover for your father's lie.
What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears? It means you're becoming a man.
But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call like your father who shall remain nameless.
STEWIE: Hello, Mother.
LOIS: Hi there, sweetie.
You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're going to get.
Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades! [Dramatic instrumental music.]
STEWIE: Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance.
Return my mind-control device or be destroyed.
You just want your toy back.
Okay, here you go, honey.
Yes Well, victory is mine! [Explosion.]
STEWIE: Damn you all! [Phone ringing.]
[Phone ringing.]
Hello? Oh, my God! Lois, am I glad to see you.
I have nothing to say to you, Peter.
I gave the money back.
Why are you still steamed? Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust.
Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter.
Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way.
This court will come to order.
I figured the sooner I cashed the check the sooner they'd catch their mistake.
Why are we making a federal case out of this? Don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment? I was gonna call them.
But my favorite episode of Different Strokes was on.
The one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? All right.
Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.
And everybody learns a valuable lesson.
Mr.
Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Yes.
Stay the hell away from that bike shop.
[People murmuring.]
Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did.
I just I don't know.
I saw the one chance l'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve.
I guess I screwed it up.
I cheated the government.
And worst of all, I lied to my wife.
And she deserves better.
I'm sorry, honey.
Mr.
Griffin, I think your words have touched us all.
I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
No! - No! - No! No! Yeah! [Rock music.]
[Rock music stops abruptly.]
LOIS: Excuse me, Your Honor? JUDGE: Yes? Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times.
He may even be downright stupid.
But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father.
But what he needs to remember is that we love him.
And no matter what, I'll always stand by him.
I love you too, honey.
That was very moving, Mrs.
Griffin.
Okay, you can go to jail with him! What? Intolerable as it may be l'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance.
Let us see how the constitution of American justice fares against the device! [Device pulsates.]
Is that your boy? What? Yeah.
That's Stewie.
Gosh.
I can't separate a kid that young from his father.
It's unjudgmenly.
- Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? - Yeah.
- All right.
You're free.
- Wow! Can you give me my job back? No.
- Yes.
- All right! [Cheery instrumental music.]
[Man laughing on TV.]
ED: That was a crazy one, Dick.
DICK: It sure was.
In this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: "She sells seashells down by the seashore.
" What does your mom do? She sells seashells down by the That is kind of a tongue twister.
It's good to have you home, Peter.
Honey, I knew everything would turn out okay.
I sure am gonna miss being rich.
PETER: Don't worry.
I got a way to get money.
Not another welfare scam? No.
Minority scholarship.
[Giggles.]
[Jazzy instrumental music.]
LOIS AND BRIAN: No.
STEWIE: Are you insane? Okay, I mean sexual harassment suit.
[Giggles.]
BRIAN: No.
LOIS: Don't think so.
STEWIE: Absolutely outrageous.
Okay, disability claim.
[Theme music.]