Frasier s01e01 Episode Script

Listen to yourself, Bob.
You follow her to work.
You eavesdrop on her calls.
You open her mail.
When you started doing these things, the relationship was over.
Thank you for your call.
Roz, we have time for one more.
Yes.
On line four, we have Russell from Kirkland.
Hello, Russell, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
'I've been feeling sort of, you know, depressed lately.
'My life's not going anywhere.
It's not that bad.
'Lt's just, same old apartment, same old job.
Sometimes ' We're at the end of our hour.
I'll cut to the chase by using myself as an example.
Six months ago, I was living in Boston.
My wife had left me, which was very painful.
Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.
On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant and my social life consisted of hanging around a bar every night.
I was clinging to a life that wasn't working.
I knew I had to do something, anything.
So I ended the marriage and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle.
Go, Seahawks! I took action, Russell, and you can too.
Move, change, do something.
If it's a mistake, do something else.
Will you do that, Russell? Will you? Russell? I think we lost him.
No, we cut to the news Oh, for crying out loud! I bare my soul to Seattle.
They're listening to Chopper Dave's Rush Hour Roundup! The rest of the show was pretty good.
It was a good show, wasn't it? Your brother called.
We call that "avoidance".
Don't change the subject.
Tell me what you think.
Did I ever tell you what this button does? I am not a piece of Lalique.
I can handle criticism.
How was I today? You dropped two commercials, left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, scrambled the call letters, spilt yoghurt on the control board, and you kept referring to Jerry, with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".
You say my brother called? So I said to the gardener, "Yoshi, I do not want a Zen garden.
"If I want to rake gravel every ten minutes for inner harmony, "I'll move to Yokohama.
" This offends him, so he starts pulling up Maris' prized camellias.
I couldn't stand for that.
I marched inside and locked the door until he cooled down.
Would you have handled it differently? Sorry, Niles.
I didn't realise you'd stopped talking.
You haven't heard a word! You're a shrink.
You know how it is when people go on about their mundane lives.
Touché.
And on that subject, I heard your show today.
- And? - You know my view of pop psychiatry.
And everything.
When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought? I'm having one now.
- You guys ready? - Two cafelatte supremos.
No, thank you.
So, Frasier, how are you doing on your own? I'm fine.
I love my new life.
I love the solitude.
I miss Frederick, of course.
He's playing goalie on the pee-wee soccer team.
Chip off the old block.
- You hated sports.
- So does he! The fresh air's good for him.
Well, this has been fun.
- There's a problem we should discuss.
- Is it Dad? One of his old police buddies called.
He went to see him and found him on the bathroom floor.
- Oh, my God! - He's fine.
- Is it his hip again? - I don't think he can live alone now.
What can we do? This won't be anyone's favourite solution, but I took the liberty of checking out a few convalescent homes for him.
A home? He's still a young man.
You can't take care of him.
You're getting your new life together.
We were never simpatico.
Of course, I can't take care of him.
Oh, yes, of course.
Why? - Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
- Who does? I thought you liked my Maris.
I do.
I like her from a distance.
You know, the way you like the sun.
Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.
Well, then, we're agreed about what to do with Dad.
"Golden Acres.
We care so you don't have to.
" - It says that? - It might as well.
OK, I'll make up the spare bedroom.
- You're a good son, Frasier.
- Oh, God, I am, aren't I? Two cafe supremos.
Anything to eat? No, I seem to have lost my appetite.
I'll have a large piece of cheesecake.
(He plays passionately) (Doorbell) - Hi! - We finally made it.
Dad, welcome to your new home.
Gee, you look great.
Don't BS me.
I do not look great.
I spent Monday on the bathroom floor.
You can still see the tile marks on my face.
Gives you some idea about the ride over here.
Here we are.
Rest assured.
The refrigerator is stocked with your favourite beer.
We've got hot links and coleslaw and I rented a Charles Bronson movie.
Cut the speech.
We all know why I'm here.
I can't be alone without falling on my ass and you're stuck with me.
No, no! We have a chance to get reacquainted.
That implies we were acquainted at one point.
Why don't I take Dad's things into his new bachelor quarters so you scoundrels can plan some high jinks? That wife of his is driving him nutso.
Yes, we Crane boys sure know how to marry.
Let me get you a beer, Dad.
What do you think of what I've done with the place? Every item was carefully selected.
This lamp by Corbu, chair by Eames.
This couch is a replica of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.
- Nothing matches.
- It's a style of decorating.
It's eclectic.
If you've got really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't matter if they match.
They will go together.
It's your money.
(Doorbell) Hey, that's the Space Needle there.
Thanks for pointing that out.
Being born and raised here, I never woulda known.
- Delivery for Martin Crane.
- In here.
Excuse me! Wait a minute! - Where do you want it? - Where's the TV? - In that credenza.
- Point it at that.
- What about this chair? - I'll move it.
Careful! That's a Wassily! Dad, I'm sure this piece is dear to you, but I don't think it goes with anything here.
I know.
It's eclectic.
Niles, will you help me out here? I need an extension cord to plug in the vibrating part.
Yes, that will be the crowning touch.
Now you're settled in, I've got to run.
I'm late for my dysfunctional family seminar.
Dad, have you mentioned Eddie yet? - Eddie? - Ta-ta.
- No, not Eddie! - He's my best friend.
Get me my beer.
He's weird.
He gives me the creeps.
All he does is stare at me.
It's your imagination.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm putting my foot down.
Eddie is not moving in here.
(Suspense music on TV) (Screams and a gunshot) Niles, sorry I'm late.
As I was leaving, Dad decided to cook lunch by the glow of a small kitchen fire.
This last week with Dad, it's been a living hell.
Either my territory's being violated or I worry about what he's up to.
I'm a nervous wreck.
I must calm down.
Double espresso, please.
You don't still have the brochures from those those rest homes, do you? Of course I do.
Don't forget, Maris is five years older than I am.
You really think that's necessary? Yes.
I don't have my life any more.
I gave up my tickets to the theatre, to the symphony What about the opera? - Here.
- Thank you.
You don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris could? Maris and I were discussing this.
We should share the responsibility more.
- You mean you'd take him in? - Dear God, no! We'll help you pay for a home care worker.
Someone to cook, clean and help Dad with his physical therapy.
These angels exist? I know an agency.
I'll ask them to send a few people over.
Niles, I can't thank you enough.
I feel this urge to hug you.
Remember what Mom always said.
"A handshake is as good as a hug.
" Wise woman.
I have never been more impressed with a human being in my life.
- What was wrong with that one? - She was casing the joint.
Casing the joint! She spent two years with Mother Teresa.
If I were Mother Teresa, I'd check my jewellery box.
(Doorbell) This is the last one.
Try to keep an open mind.
(English accent) Hello.
Caught with me hand in the biscuit tin! - I'm Daphne.
Daphne Moon.
- Frasier Crane.
Please come in.
My father, Martin Crane.
Dad, this is Daphne Moon.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, and who might this be? That is Eddie.
- I call him Eddie Spaghetti.
- He likes pasta? No, he has worms.
- Have a seat, Miss Moon.
- Daphne.
Thank you.
Will you look at that? What a comfy chair.
I always say, "Start with a good piece, and replace the rest when you can afford it.
" Perhaps you should start by telling us about yourself.
- I'm from Manchester, England.
- Really? Did you hear that, Dad? I'm three feet away.
There's nothing wrong with my hearing.
I've only been in the US for a few months, but I have an extensive background in home care and physical therapy, as you can see from my résumé.
You were a policeman, weren't you? - Yeah.
How'd you know? - I must confess I'm a bit psychic.
It's nothing big.
Just little things I sense about people.
It's not like I could pick the lottery.
If I could, I wouldn't be talking to the likes of you two now, would I? Yes.
Perhaps I should describe your duties.
Wait.
I'm getting something on you.
You're a florist.
- No, I'm a psychiatrist.
- Well, it comes and goes.
Usually it's strongest during my time of the month.
I guess I let a little secret out there.
It's safe with us.
We've learned all we need to know about you.
And a dash extra.
You're a dog, aren't you? Well, we'll be calling you, Miss Moon.
- You got the job.
- Wonderful! Aren't you forgetting something? Shouldn't we talk about this in private? Of course.
I completely understand.
I'll just pop into the loo.
- You do have one, don't you? - Yes.
Oh, I love America.
- Dad! - You wanted me to pick one.
- She's a kook.
I don't like her.
- She'll only be here when you're not.
Then what's my problem? Daphne! - You've been retained.
- Oh, wonderful! I had a premonition.
Quelle surprise.
I'll move my things in tomorrow.
There must be some misunderstanding.
This isn't a live-in position.
The lady at the agency She was wrong.
This is a part-time position.
It won't work out.
- Let's talk about this.
- There's nothing to discuss.
You should talk about this.
I'll just pop back in here and enjoy your African erotic art.
- I think it would be best if you leave.
- Oh, all right.
We'll contact you.
If not by telephone, then through the toaster.
- I'm not having her living here.
- Why not? - There's no room for her! - What about your study? That's where I read, where I do my most profound thinking.
Use the can like the rest of the world.
You'll adjust.
I've done enough adjusting.
I'm in a new city, I've got a new job.
I'm separated from my little boy.
And now my father and his dog are living with me.
The whole idea of getting somebody in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it.
- Eddie, we're a burden.
- You're twisting my words.
I meant burden in its most positive sense.
As in "Gee, what a lovely burden"? - Something like that.
- It's not only you who got screwed.
Two years ago, some punk robbing a store put a bullet in my hip.
I traded in my golf clubs for one of these.
I had plans, too.
This may be a shock, but one of them wasn't living with you.
- I'm just trying to be the good son.
- Don't worry.
- After I'm gone, you can live guilt-free.
- You think this is about guilt? - Isn't it? - Of course it is! But I took you in.
I wanted to do it because you're my father! And how do you repay me? With a snide comment about this or a smart little putdown about that.
I've done my best to make a home here for you.
Just once would it have killed you to say one lousy "thank you"? Come on, Eddie, it's past your dinner time.
I'm going out.
They have got to move the bathroom closer to the studio! We'll be back after these messages.
Can't I put that on tape? What's eating you? Sorry.
It's this thing with my father and this person he wants to hire.
I thought I'd started my life with a clean slate.
I had a picture of what it was going to be like and then I don't know.
Ever heard of Lupe Velez? - Who? - Lupe Velez.
A movie star in the '30s.
Her career hit the skids so she decided to make one final stab at immortality.
She figured she'd at least be remembered for the way she died.
All Lupe wanted was to be remembered.
So she plans this lavish suicide.
Flowers, candles, silk sheet, white satin gown, full hair and make-up.
She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed and imagines how beautiful she'll look on tomorrow's front page.
Unfortunately, the pills don't set well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal.
She trips in the bathroom, goes head-first into the toilet.
That's how they found her.
Is there a reason you're telling me this story? Yes.
Even if things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
Remind me of how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.
All she wanted was to be remembered.
Will you ever forget that story? We're back.
Roz, who's our next caller? We have Martin on line one.
He's having a problem with his son.
Hello, Martin.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
(Martin Crane) 'I'm a first-time caller.
' Welcome to the show.
How can I help you? 'I moved in with my son, and it ain't working.
'There's a lot of tension between us.
' I can imagine.
Why do you think that's so? 'I guess I didn't see he had a whole new life planned for himself.
'I kind of got in the way.
' These things are a two-way street.
Perhaps your son wasn't sensitive in seeing how your life was changing.
'You've got that right! I've been telling him that ever since I got there! ' I'm sure he appreciated your candour.
'Sometimes I oughta keep my trap shut.
' That's good advice for us all.
Anything else? 'I'm worried my son doesn't know that I appreciate what he's done for me.
' Why don't you tell him? 'You know how it is with fathers and sons.
'They have trouble saying that stuff.
' Well, if it helps, I suspect your son already knows how you feel.
- Is that all? - 'Yeah.
Thank you, Dr Crane.
' - My pleasure, Martin.
- 'You hear that? I said thank you! ' Yes, I heard.
Dr Crane? Claire on line four is having a problem getting over a relationship.
Hello, Claire.
I'm listening.
'I'm, er (Sobs) 'Well, I'm a mess! 'Eight months ago my boyfriend and I broke up.
I just can't get over it.
'The pain isn't going away.
It's like I'm in mourning or something.
' Claire, you are in mourning.
But you're not mourning the loss of your boyfriend.
You're mourning the loss of what you thought your life was going to be.
Let it go.
Things don't always work out how you plan.
That's not necessarily bad.
Things have a way of working out anyway.
Have you ever heard of Lupe Velez? # Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Oh, my! # And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe # But I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Good night, Seattle, we love you!