Mike & Molly s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
All right, officers.
One beef and cheese deluxe, french fries and orange-flavored beverage.
Thank you, my brother.
Knock it down for me.
Boo-yow! All right, it is knocked down.
And for you, large man.
One plain wiener, no bun, no sauerkraut, no chili, no mustard no pickle, no cheese, no relish No tip, give it to me.
Excuse me to inquire but this meager meal seems insufficient for a man of your tremendous girth.
Well, I'm just trying to drop a couple of pounds.
May I suggest you move to my country where everyone is fashionably thin, due to lack of food.
New diet? I read about it in a magazine at the dentist office.
- Men's Fitness? - No.
- Esquire? - No.
- Maxim? - No.
- Sports Illustrated? - Modern Bride, okay? Hey.
That's none of my business.
You better get married quick because you're starting to show.
It happens to be a good diet and I'm losing weight.
I'm going to the gym three times a week and a half hour every morning on the bike.
Well, be careful with that.
I read an article that said those bicycles wreak havoc on a pair of testicles.
What are we talking about, a little numbness or that time I sat on my Taser? Well, apparently, the angle of the seat, it restricts blood flow causing low sperm count and/or possible impotence.
- Really? I never heard that.
- You ain't gonna read that in modern Bride.
Pick up this month's copy of American Balls.
Hey, how about we hit a couple of clubs up after we get off, huh? Have a few drinks, maybe find some bad girls who wanna cop some pleas.
Or even better, please some cops? Do you listen to yourself when you talk? No, thanks, I got an OA meeting.
You're kidding me.
Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night? That is pathetic.
Oh, I'm pathetic? Which one of us lives with his grandma? I'm over there because she's old and frail and needs somebody to look after her.
She mows the lawn, Carl.
After I start it up for her and push her in the right direction.
Fine.
Whatever you need to live with yourself and your grandma.
I would shoot you right now, but I don't have enough chalk to outline your body.
She's a brick Uh, uh, uh, house, uh, uh, uh She's mighty, mighty Just letting it all hang out Because she's a brick Hmm, hmm, house, hmm, hmm, hmm Shake it down, shake it down Shake it down, down Shake it down, shake it down Shake it down, down Shake it down, shake it Ma, do you have to eat that in front of me? Oh, I'm sorry, baby, want a bite? What do you think I'm doing on this machine here, making butter? Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself? Face it, you're a big-boned girl.
You're always gonna be a big-boned girl.
Bones don't jiggle, Mom.
You just gotta accept the fact that you got your daddy's genes.
I mean, if you had a turkey leg in one hand and the other hand down your pants I'd swear he was risen from the dead.
God, this is moist.
Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake? Fresh out of the oven.
Ha-ha-ha, give me.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, Mom, this is incredible.
- This time, instead of milk, I used pudding.
- Mm-hm.
Well, bravo.
That must be why it's so smooth and creamy.
For God's sakes, why are you doing this to me? - What? What are we doing? - What are we doing? Never mind.
I've burned off my, uh, 12 calories.
Just gonna go to my OA meeting.
Oh, Mol, you're never gonna meet a cute guy at the chub club.
I'm not going to meet guys.
I'm going for support.
Not that I don't get more than enough right here.
Whoa, where'd that come from? Where did that come from? Are you kidding me? Okay, I'm trying to watch my diet, I'm trying to exercise and you two are trying to make me fatter.
You're not fat.
You're big-boned.
And I'm just trying to get you laid.
Ugh.
Why don't you take her to one of those lesbo clubs? - Now, they seem to like the beefy gals.
- Hmm.
You really didn't have to come with me.
Hey, you said you wanted to be supported.
- I'm supporting.
- Okay, ah - Where are you going? The meeting's here.
- Go ahead.
I'm gonna sneak into the little girls' room and light up a fatty.
No offense, fellas.
- Hi, my name's Mike.
I'm an overeater.
Hi, Mike.
I had a pretty fair week.
I lost 3 pounds.
Hey.
Yeah.
Then I took off my shirt and I found it right about here.
Anyway, diet-wise, I did have one tiny setback this week.
I was at the grocery store and they were having a sale on those fun-size candies for Halloween.
Uh, I picked up a bag, figuring I'm gonna need something for the trick-or-treaters.
Before I know it, I'm standing in front of the checkout with 19 of the fun bastards jammed in my mouth, trying to say: "Plastic.
" Hallelujah, right? Then, of course, the self-loathing kicks in.
Voices in my head start telling me what a loser I am how no one's ever gonna love me how I'm gonna spend the last few years of my life alone in a dark apartment my only companions, six or seven cats that made the mistake of wandering into my gravitational field.
The bottom line is, I know those voices are lying.
And I know all I gotta do is work this program one day at a time.
That's why I start every morning by getting on my knees and asking God to give me the strength to stay on my diet.
And then I pray that he gives me the strength to get my fat ass up off the floor.
Anyway, thank you.
Hey.
Damn it, one of y'all got to inhale.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Now that your meeting's over, you might wanna have some fun.
Sure.
Wanna go get some TCBY? Hell, yeah.
Couple of single guys on a Friday night, let's get all up in some yogurt.
Hey, I really liked your share.
Oh, thank you.
- You're pretty funny.
- If everybody's laughing they won't try to kill and cook each other.
- Molly.
- Mike.
Hey, there you are.
Where did you go? Went looking for a snack machine and all I found were these crackers up in the church.
Really dry.
Do you know of a good place around here where I could get a pizza? What do you think? This is my sister, Victoria.
- Hi, Victoria.
- Hello, Victoria.
Officer Carl MacMillan, Chicago PD.
Whoa, you're a cop? - Yeah, Mike and I, we're both cops.
- Ha, ha.
Great.
I love cops.
Cops are great.
I'm not high.
Anyhoo, uh, I'm a fourth-grade teacher and I'd love to have a police officer come and speak to my class.
Oh, absolutely.
Just contact the department.
They'll send somebody right over.
Oh, all right.
Or you can give Officer Biggs your number and he can come talk to your class himself.
Even better.
Oh, uh, okay.
Well, are you looking for, like, general information or scared straight? Well, they're 9 years old, so scare the hell out of them.
Kidding.
Just be funny and charming like you were in the meeting.
- Okay.
- Great.
Call me.
- I will.
- All right.
Has it been a long time since I've talked? Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Tell me why we let them go.
The pothead had jungle fever and you could've gotten the other one with a taffy apple.
I'm not letting her go.
I just don't wanna come off as desperate.
- Yeah, but you are desperate.
- No.
I'm lonely and miserable.
There's a difference.
And what is that difference? Shut up.
You live with your grandma.
I wish these uniforms were a little more flattering, you know? Blousier.
Who you trying to fool? I mean, you met her at an OA meeting.
She sticks her hand under there and doesn't find a man bra, she's gonna be ecstatic.
You know, uh, I was thinking about asking her to go to the aquarium with me.
- The aquarium? The first date? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Let me ask you something.
- What? You ever been on a second date? - Hold it right there, fella.
- Yes, sir? - You wanna go to jail? - No, sir.
Then get over there and wash your hands.
All right, people, settle down.
I want you to give your attention and your respect to Officer Michael Biggs of the Chicago Pol Shut up! Chicago Police Department.
- Officer Biggs? - Okay.
- Uh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
First, I'd like to say, there are a lot of misconceptions about what it is a police officer actually does.
My dad says you guys are all on the take.
- Gary, I told you not - No, no, that's okay.
Gary, that's one of the misconceptions I was talking about.
On TV and in the movies, they like to make you think there's corruption My mom says you guys only go after people of color.
- Well, jeez, that's not true at all.
- You calling my mom a liar? Uh, why don't we save all of our questions for the end? You know what? This is good.
I mean, questions lead to a give-and-take and stimulate discussion.
How can you be a cop and be so fat? You know, maybe we should save the questions till after.
- Hey, I have a question.
- You don't.
- Oh, but I do.
- No, you don't.
What made you wanna become a police officer in the first place? Oh, that's a great question.
Well, I became a police officer because my dad was a police officer.
He worked the same beat for 30 years: A five-block radius in the Wicker Park area.
And since our last name is Biggs, he used to refer to it as Biggs' Mile.
As a kid, I always thought he was saying "big smile.
" I remember watching him leaving.
His uniform would always be pressed and his shoes shined like mirrors.
I'd say to him, "Dad, where are you going?" And he'd say, "Biggs' Mile, son.
" And since I thought he was saying "big smile," I'd give him a big smile.
Anyway, everybody in that neighborhood loved him because he kept the place safe.
And he treated everyone with respect.
He made police work look like a pretty noble profession right up until the very end.
What happened? Did he die? No, he fell in love with a prostitute, divorced my mom and moved to Tampa.
- Tore the whole family apart.
Ahem.
I probably should've stopped at "noble profession.
" I really appreciate you doing this.
I think the kids got a lot out of it.
Hey, they seem like a good group, except the one with the mouth.
He's on a hell-bound train.
Gary? Yeah.
I caught him sniffing the dry-erase markers.
That's not gonna end pretty.
Okay, well, um, thanks again for inviting me.
You're welcome.
It was nice of you to come.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
So what made you wanna become a teacher? I really don't remember.
I gotta go.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Bye.
Bye.
- Hey, would you like to go out with me? Shut up! Now, that was pathetic.
Really? It didn't look as smooth as it felt? I'd lie to you if you want but I thought our relationship had grown beyond that.
Two meatball subs, large curly fries and chocolate malt.
Welcome back.
Thanks, Samuel.
What is this world coming to? Thirty-eight dollars to get lipstick out of suede pants? - Whoa, what the hell are you doing? - I'm having dinner.
No, this isn't dinner.
This is suicide with meatball bullets.
Come on.
Give that back.
You just lost 3 and a half pounds.
Oh, big deal.
My farts weigh 3 and a half pounds.
You don't have to tell me.
I ride in the car with you every day.
Samuel, throw this away and bring my partner a chicken breast on wheat toast? Throw it away? I don't think so.
I will airdrop it to my village.
There.
Now, you may never have sex without paying for it but you're still on your diet.
Thanks.
Come here.
Give me some love.
Sweet Jesus, it's like hugging a futon.
I don't know.
I guess I've had food issues for as long as I can remember.
Once, my dad had to write a check for $280 to the Girls Scouts of America for "unaccounted for cookies.
" God bless him, he never said a word.
Never made me feel bad about it.
Of course he weighed about a thousand pounds himself, so Anyway, I know I'm never gonna be a size two.
I mean, and that's fine because I happen to like who I am.
There's nothing wrong with me as a person.
I'm smart, I'm funny, I recycle.
I just wanna learn to control my eating you know, and not keel over in a White Castle drive-through like my dad.
And it was his third lap.
That's it.
Oh, and I would love to be able to walk into a nightclub without having every queen in the room leaping on me like I'm a gay pride float.
Thank you.
- Okay, who wants to share next? - Hi, Molly.
- I didn't see you there.
- Yeah, I lost another pound.
- I'm becoming a rail.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Can I talk to you outside? - Sure.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
I just, um Well, uh, ahem I wanted to tell you that, uh I like fish.
All right.
What I mean to say is I'm sort of an amateur ichthyologist.
So all types of fish? - Hey, you know that word.
- I'm a teacher.
You'd be surprised at the words I know.
Anyway, I like to go to the aquarium on my days off because there's something soothing about watching those giant creatures float around each other, all graceful and weightless.
Sounds like my water aerobics class.
That's funny.
Anyway, uh, uh, I was wondering if you weren't doing anything, if we could Whoa! Oh! - Are you okay? - Oh, I'm fine.
You landed pretty hard.
Oh, no, no, I'm good, but I don't think that table's up to code.
Oh, uh, is your finger supposed to be pointed in that direction? - Whoa.
- No, it is not.
Oh, that's bad.
I should probably skedaddle over to the emergency room.
Yeah.
Do you need somebody to drive you? Oh, no, no, no.
Life of a police officer.
Tuck and roll.
Duck and cover.
Don't vomit.
Just get to the car.
Don't vomit.
You ever gonna call that OA girl back? No, that, uh, that ship has sailed.
I'm just gonna move on.
- Mind if I tell you where you went wrong? - Oh, would you? Women don't wanna hear a grown man going on about ichthyology.
It's got the word "ick" built right into it.
You know, if you went with me just once you would see how beautiful and sensuous these creatures really are.
Ain't no lady in the world gonna whip her undies off hearing that kind of jibber-jabber.
Got an 831 at 9425 Cicero Avenue.
Handle code two.
Car 79 in the vicinity.
Roger, Car 79.
Thought about one of them mail order brides? Here we go.
Those women are very hot.
Back when they were commies, they all weighed 300 pounds and had mustaches.
Democracy's what cleaned them bitches up.
And here's another idea: Maybe you could move to Japan.
A big man is like a god over there.
Do you ever actually stop to breathe or do you have, like, a blowhole under your hat? Seriously, yank your underwear up into your crack and get you some sumo groupies.
- Mike.
- Molly.
What are you doing here? Uh, somebody called the cops and we're the cops.
Yeah, we called, like, an hour and a half ago.
Did you guys get lost or stop to make out under a bridge somewhere? - Calm down, Mom.
Pssh.
Seriously, though, did you guys stop to get pizza or something? Wow, what are the odds, huh? Odds, my sweet mocha ass.
This is a miracle of biblical proportions.
How do you figure? God couldn't bring Molly to the mountain, so he brought the mountain to Molly.
I'm the mountain, right? You're the freaking Himalayas.
Get in there.
It's gonna be okay, Mom.
It's just stuff.
Just stuff? Is that what you call the diamond necklace your father gave me? Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Did you know he had to take a second job to afford that thing? And I had to give him a third job to get it.
- You think you'll find our things? - I doubt it.
We barely found your house.
Hey.
We're gonna do our best to recover your property.
- But we're gonna need to fill out a report.
They stole my water pipe.
Luckily, I was a Girl Scout.
Hi.
- Apple? - Uh, no, thanks.
- They test our urine for fruit.
- Oh.
Okay, can I get a list of some of the missing items? Well, they took the TV, a couple of iPods, uh, the computer, my mom's jewelry.
I need serial numbers off the TV, the computer.
Any photographs you might have of the property? And would you like to go out with me sometime? What? Are you asking me out now? That is correct, ma'am.
You had every chance to ask me out and you chose to ask me out in the middle of a crime scene? I realize this is not the most opportune moment, but I'm quite smitten with you.
I'd hate to see this moment pass by without telling you you're a remarkable woman with a lot of interesting qualities I find both attractive and appealing, ma'am.
Okay.
That was pretty cute.
So is that a yes or a no? Is it gonna go on the report? Depends on what your answer is.
I would love to go out with you.
Then, yes, I am writing that down.
She better be good to him.
What do you want? I'm a sensitive guy.
One beef and cheese deluxe, french fries and orange-flavored beverage.
Thank you, my brother.
Knock it down for me.
Boo-yow! All right, it is knocked down.
And for you, large man.
One plain wiener, no bun, no sauerkraut, no chili, no mustard no pickle, no cheese, no relish No tip, give it to me.
Excuse me to inquire but this meager meal seems insufficient for a man of your tremendous girth.
Well, I'm just trying to drop a couple of pounds.
May I suggest you move to my country where everyone is fashionably thin, due to lack of food.
New diet? I read about it in a magazine at the dentist office.
- Men's Fitness? - No.
- Esquire? - No.
- Maxim? - No.
- Sports Illustrated? - Modern Bride, okay? Hey.
That's none of my business.
You better get married quick because you're starting to show.
It happens to be a good diet and I'm losing weight.
I'm going to the gym three times a week and a half hour every morning on the bike.
Well, be careful with that.
I read an article that said those bicycles wreak havoc on a pair of testicles.
What are we talking about, a little numbness or that time I sat on my Taser? Well, apparently, the angle of the seat, it restricts blood flow causing low sperm count and/or possible impotence.
- Really? I never heard that.
- You ain't gonna read that in modern Bride.
Pick up this month's copy of American Balls.
Hey, how about we hit a couple of clubs up after we get off, huh? Have a few drinks, maybe find some bad girls who wanna cop some pleas.
Or even better, please some cops? Do you listen to yourself when you talk? No, thanks, I got an OA meeting.
You're kidding me.
Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night? That is pathetic.
Oh, I'm pathetic? Which one of us lives with his grandma? I'm over there because she's old and frail and needs somebody to look after her.
She mows the lawn, Carl.
After I start it up for her and push her in the right direction.
Fine.
Whatever you need to live with yourself and your grandma.
I would shoot you right now, but I don't have enough chalk to outline your body.
She's a brick Uh, uh, uh, house, uh, uh, uh She's mighty, mighty Just letting it all hang out Because she's a brick Hmm, hmm, house, hmm, hmm, hmm Shake it down, shake it down Shake it down, down Shake it down, shake it down Shake it down, down Shake it down, shake it Ma, do you have to eat that in front of me? Oh, I'm sorry, baby, want a bite? What do you think I'm doing on this machine here, making butter? Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself? Face it, you're a big-boned girl.
You're always gonna be a big-boned girl.
Bones don't jiggle, Mom.
You just gotta accept the fact that you got your daddy's genes.
I mean, if you had a turkey leg in one hand and the other hand down your pants I'd swear he was risen from the dead.
God, this is moist.
Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake? Fresh out of the oven.
Ha-ha-ha, give me.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, Mom, this is incredible.
- This time, instead of milk, I used pudding.
- Mm-hm.
Well, bravo.
That must be why it's so smooth and creamy.
For God's sakes, why are you doing this to me? - What? What are we doing? - What are we doing? Never mind.
I've burned off my, uh, 12 calories.
Just gonna go to my OA meeting.
Oh, Mol, you're never gonna meet a cute guy at the chub club.
I'm not going to meet guys.
I'm going for support.
Not that I don't get more than enough right here.
Whoa, where'd that come from? Where did that come from? Are you kidding me? Okay, I'm trying to watch my diet, I'm trying to exercise and you two are trying to make me fatter.
You're not fat.
You're big-boned.
And I'm just trying to get you laid.
Ugh.
Why don't you take her to one of those lesbo clubs? - Now, they seem to like the beefy gals.
- Hmm.
You really didn't have to come with me.
Hey, you said you wanted to be supported.
- I'm supporting.
- Okay, ah - Where are you going? The meeting's here.
- Go ahead.
I'm gonna sneak into the little girls' room and light up a fatty.
No offense, fellas.
- Hi, my name's Mike.
I'm an overeater.
Hi, Mike.
I had a pretty fair week.
I lost 3 pounds.
Hey.
Yeah.
Then I took off my shirt and I found it right about here.
Anyway, diet-wise, I did have one tiny setback this week.
I was at the grocery store and they were having a sale on those fun-size candies for Halloween.
Uh, I picked up a bag, figuring I'm gonna need something for the trick-or-treaters.
Before I know it, I'm standing in front of the checkout with 19 of the fun bastards jammed in my mouth, trying to say: "Plastic.
" Hallelujah, right? Then, of course, the self-loathing kicks in.
Voices in my head start telling me what a loser I am how no one's ever gonna love me how I'm gonna spend the last few years of my life alone in a dark apartment my only companions, six or seven cats that made the mistake of wandering into my gravitational field.
The bottom line is, I know those voices are lying.
And I know all I gotta do is work this program one day at a time.
That's why I start every morning by getting on my knees and asking God to give me the strength to stay on my diet.
And then I pray that he gives me the strength to get my fat ass up off the floor.
Anyway, thank you.
Hey.
Damn it, one of y'all got to inhale.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Now that your meeting's over, you might wanna have some fun.
Sure.
Wanna go get some TCBY? Hell, yeah.
Couple of single guys on a Friday night, let's get all up in some yogurt.
Hey, I really liked your share.
Oh, thank you.
- You're pretty funny.
- If everybody's laughing they won't try to kill and cook each other.
- Molly.
- Mike.
Hey, there you are.
Where did you go? Went looking for a snack machine and all I found were these crackers up in the church.
Really dry.
Do you know of a good place around here where I could get a pizza? What do you think? This is my sister, Victoria.
- Hi, Victoria.
- Hello, Victoria.
Officer Carl MacMillan, Chicago PD.
Whoa, you're a cop? - Yeah, Mike and I, we're both cops.
- Ha, ha.
Great.
I love cops.
Cops are great.
I'm not high.
Anyhoo, uh, I'm a fourth-grade teacher and I'd love to have a police officer come and speak to my class.
Oh, absolutely.
Just contact the department.
They'll send somebody right over.
Oh, all right.
Or you can give Officer Biggs your number and he can come talk to your class himself.
Even better.
Oh, uh, okay.
Well, are you looking for, like, general information or scared straight? Well, they're 9 years old, so scare the hell out of them.
Kidding.
Just be funny and charming like you were in the meeting.
- Okay.
- Great.
Call me.
- I will.
- All right.
Has it been a long time since I've talked? Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Tell me why we let them go.
The pothead had jungle fever and you could've gotten the other one with a taffy apple.
I'm not letting her go.
I just don't wanna come off as desperate.
- Yeah, but you are desperate.
- No.
I'm lonely and miserable.
There's a difference.
And what is that difference? Shut up.
You live with your grandma.
I wish these uniforms were a little more flattering, you know? Blousier.
Who you trying to fool? I mean, you met her at an OA meeting.
She sticks her hand under there and doesn't find a man bra, she's gonna be ecstatic.
You know, uh, I was thinking about asking her to go to the aquarium with me.
- The aquarium? The first date? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Let me ask you something.
- What? You ever been on a second date? - Hold it right there, fella.
- Yes, sir? - You wanna go to jail? - No, sir.
Then get over there and wash your hands.
All right, people, settle down.
I want you to give your attention and your respect to Officer Michael Biggs of the Chicago Pol Shut up! Chicago Police Department.
- Officer Biggs? - Okay.
- Uh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
First, I'd like to say, there are a lot of misconceptions about what it is a police officer actually does.
My dad says you guys are all on the take.
- Gary, I told you not - No, no, that's okay.
Gary, that's one of the misconceptions I was talking about.
On TV and in the movies, they like to make you think there's corruption My mom says you guys only go after people of color.
- Well, jeez, that's not true at all.
- You calling my mom a liar? Uh, why don't we save all of our questions for the end? You know what? This is good.
I mean, questions lead to a give-and-take and stimulate discussion.
How can you be a cop and be so fat? You know, maybe we should save the questions till after.
- Hey, I have a question.
- You don't.
- Oh, but I do.
- No, you don't.
What made you wanna become a police officer in the first place? Oh, that's a great question.
Well, I became a police officer because my dad was a police officer.
He worked the same beat for 30 years: A five-block radius in the Wicker Park area.
And since our last name is Biggs, he used to refer to it as Biggs' Mile.
As a kid, I always thought he was saying "big smile.
" I remember watching him leaving.
His uniform would always be pressed and his shoes shined like mirrors.
I'd say to him, "Dad, where are you going?" And he'd say, "Biggs' Mile, son.
" And since I thought he was saying "big smile," I'd give him a big smile.
Anyway, everybody in that neighborhood loved him because he kept the place safe.
And he treated everyone with respect.
He made police work look like a pretty noble profession right up until the very end.
What happened? Did he die? No, he fell in love with a prostitute, divorced my mom and moved to Tampa.
- Tore the whole family apart.
Ahem.
I probably should've stopped at "noble profession.
" I really appreciate you doing this.
I think the kids got a lot out of it.
Hey, they seem like a good group, except the one with the mouth.
He's on a hell-bound train.
Gary? Yeah.
I caught him sniffing the dry-erase markers.
That's not gonna end pretty.
Okay, well, um, thanks again for inviting me.
You're welcome.
It was nice of you to come.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
So what made you wanna become a teacher? I really don't remember.
I gotta go.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Bye.
Bye.
- Hey, would you like to go out with me? Shut up! Now, that was pathetic.
Really? It didn't look as smooth as it felt? I'd lie to you if you want but I thought our relationship had grown beyond that.
Two meatball subs, large curly fries and chocolate malt.
Welcome back.
Thanks, Samuel.
What is this world coming to? Thirty-eight dollars to get lipstick out of suede pants? - Whoa, what the hell are you doing? - I'm having dinner.
No, this isn't dinner.
This is suicide with meatball bullets.
Come on.
Give that back.
You just lost 3 and a half pounds.
Oh, big deal.
My farts weigh 3 and a half pounds.
You don't have to tell me.
I ride in the car with you every day.
Samuel, throw this away and bring my partner a chicken breast on wheat toast? Throw it away? I don't think so.
I will airdrop it to my village.
There.
Now, you may never have sex without paying for it but you're still on your diet.
Thanks.
Come here.
Give me some love.
Sweet Jesus, it's like hugging a futon.
I don't know.
I guess I've had food issues for as long as I can remember.
Once, my dad had to write a check for $280 to the Girls Scouts of America for "unaccounted for cookies.
" God bless him, he never said a word.
Never made me feel bad about it.
Of course he weighed about a thousand pounds himself, so Anyway, I know I'm never gonna be a size two.
I mean, and that's fine because I happen to like who I am.
There's nothing wrong with me as a person.
I'm smart, I'm funny, I recycle.
I just wanna learn to control my eating you know, and not keel over in a White Castle drive-through like my dad.
And it was his third lap.
That's it.
Oh, and I would love to be able to walk into a nightclub without having every queen in the room leaping on me like I'm a gay pride float.
Thank you.
- Okay, who wants to share next? - Hi, Molly.
- I didn't see you there.
- Yeah, I lost another pound.
- I'm becoming a rail.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Can I talk to you outside? - Sure.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
I just, um Well, uh, ahem I wanted to tell you that, uh I like fish.
All right.
What I mean to say is I'm sort of an amateur ichthyologist.
So all types of fish? - Hey, you know that word.
- I'm a teacher.
You'd be surprised at the words I know.
Anyway, I like to go to the aquarium on my days off because there's something soothing about watching those giant creatures float around each other, all graceful and weightless.
Sounds like my water aerobics class.
That's funny.
Anyway, uh, uh, I was wondering if you weren't doing anything, if we could Whoa! Oh! - Are you okay? - Oh, I'm fine.
You landed pretty hard.
Oh, no, no, I'm good, but I don't think that table's up to code.
Oh, uh, is your finger supposed to be pointed in that direction? - Whoa.
- No, it is not.
Oh, that's bad.
I should probably skedaddle over to the emergency room.
Yeah.
Do you need somebody to drive you? Oh, no, no, no.
Life of a police officer.
Tuck and roll.
Duck and cover.
Don't vomit.
Just get to the car.
Don't vomit.
You ever gonna call that OA girl back? No, that, uh, that ship has sailed.
I'm just gonna move on.
- Mind if I tell you where you went wrong? - Oh, would you? Women don't wanna hear a grown man going on about ichthyology.
It's got the word "ick" built right into it.
You know, if you went with me just once you would see how beautiful and sensuous these creatures really are.
Ain't no lady in the world gonna whip her undies off hearing that kind of jibber-jabber.
Got an 831 at 9425 Cicero Avenue.
Handle code two.
Car 79 in the vicinity.
Roger, Car 79.
Thought about one of them mail order brides? Here we go.
Those women are very hot.
Back when they were commies, they all weighed 300 pounds and had mustaches.
Democracy's what cleaned them bitches up.
And here's another idea: Maybe you could move to Japan.
A big man is like a god over there.
Do you ever actually stop to breathe or do you have, like, a blowhole under your hat? Seriously, yank your underwear up into your crack and get you some sumo groupies.
- Mike.
- Molly.
What are you doing here? Uh, somebody called the cops and we're the cops.
Yeah, we called, like, an hour and a half ago.
Did you guys get lost or stop to make out under a bridge somewhere? - Calm down, Mom.
Pssh.
Seriously, though, did you guys stop to get pizza or something? Wow, what are the odds, huh? Odds, my sweet mocha ass.
This is a miracle of biblical proportions.
How do you figure? God couldn't bring Molly to the mountain, so he brought the mountain to Molly.
I'm the mountain, right? You're the freaking Himalayas.
Get in there.
It's gonna be okay, Mom.
It's just stuff.
Just stuff? Is that what you call the diamond necklace your father gave me? Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Did you know he had to take a second job to afford that thing? And I had to give him a third job to get it.
- You think you'll find our things? - I doubt it.
We barely found your house.
Hey.
We're gonna do our best to recover your property.
- But we're gonna need to fill out a report.
They stole my water pipe.
Luckily, I was a Girl Scout.
Hi.
- Apple? - Uh, no, thanks.
- They test our urine for fruit.
- Oh.
Okay, can I get a list of some of the missing items? Well, they took the TV, a couple of iPods, uh, the computer, my mom's jewelry.
I need serial numbers off the TV, the computer.
Any photographs you might have of the property? And would you like to go out with me sometime? What? Are you asking me out now? That is correct, ma'am.
You had every chance to ask me out and you chose to ask me out in the middle of a crime scene? I realize this is not the most opportune moment, but I'm quite smitten with you.
I'd hate to see this moment pass by without telling you you're a remarkable woman with a lot of interesting qualities I find both attractive and appealing, ma'am.
Okay.
That was pretty cute.
So is that a yes or a no? Is it gonna go on the report? Depends on what your answer is.
I would love to go out with you.
Then, yes, I am writing that down.
She better be good to him.
What do you want? I'm a sensitive guy.