Rules of Engagement s01e01 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey, Russel.
I'm sorry I'm late, had a thing.
Yeah, I figured.
I ordered you a burger.
You ordered for me? Great, why don't we just make out? Because I don't know where you've been.
Well, I've got some news.
I moved in with Jennifer.
Why? When you lost your sublet, I said you could stay on my couch.
Might wanna flip the cushions first.
Yeah, well, this thing with Jennifer isn't temporary, because last night I proposed to her! It gets worse! What are you, the dumbest idiot in the world? Thanks for sharing my happiness.
You've only known her seven months.
You know what? Make sure the baby's yours, make her take a paternity test.
She's not pregnant.
Shooting blanks? I proposed because I love her.
It's so gay.
Being in love with a woman is gay? No, but saying it out loud to another guy is.
Look, there's no wedding date, no plans, no pressure.
I didn't even get her a ring yet, I've got the best of all worlds! There's only one world and I have the best of it.
I do what I want, I date who I want, and I sleep with whoever will let me.
Look, I've had all that.
Now, I'm done.
Jennifer's the one.
I think you're making a huge mistake.
Locking it down with one chick is a horrible, horrible-- Hey, there's the woman sunshine! Hey, guys.
So, did he tell you he proposed? Yeah, he did.
Oh, hooray! It's great news.
- Hey, Jeff! - Audrey, did you write a check? Yeah, I did.
Well, you didn't pull in the thing.
Now, it's all Whatever.
It was for the exterminator, he was here last week.
- It was like, sixty-ish dollars.
- Sixty-ish? Great, now I'll just pull that in here.
Here, now the checkbook is totally balanced-ish.
You and that checkbook We got invited to a really cool art opening on Saturday night.
Yeah, art! They'll have an open bar.
I won't go there for that reason.
Let's go invite Adam and Jennifer to go with us.
When's Adam moving in? Honey, he moved in a couple days ago, I told you.
You don't listen to anything I say, do you? Listen, I can't remember everything, I got a lot on my mind.
What did Derek Jeter bat last season? .
309.
It's important.
We don't have any couple friends.
Jennifer's like a little sister and you like Adam, right? He's a good hang.
So right there, there's a couple in our building that we don't hate.
Honey, come on.
They're just starting out, we need to set a good example.
- Okay, big guy? - Fine.
Thank you.
Okay, is this right? $85 for skin cream? This stuff is amazing.
This is it.
$85 for that tiny jar? What's in it, $80? Look, you spent $109 on a robot dog.
There's no need to bring Gizmo into this.
It's programmed for love.
- You know what I'm gonna do? - What? I'm gonna set Russell with my friend Karen.
Why? What did she do to you? I know he has commitment issues but he's not a bad guy.
He just needs the right woman to fix him.
I think he needs the right veterinarian to fix him, but go ahead, take a shot.
- What's this? - What? It's a wedding gift registry? We just got engaged, there's no wedding plans and you're already picking out gifts? I did it just for fun, I'm excited, aren't you? Of course, just not "asparagus steamer" excited.
Look, we're in no rush to get married, let's not worry about it now.
A cake plate.
Cake is fun.
- Hey! - How are you? Adam, we're so excited! You're engaged, you're living together! So you guys going Dutch on the rent or what? Anyway, we want to know if you wanna go with us to an art opening on Saturday night.
- Open bar.
- Sweet.
Sounds fun.
Is it dressy? What are you gonna wear? - I'll probably buy something new.
- Of course.
Here, take a look at the new shoes I just bought, are they too slutty? Are they clear? - No.
- They're not too slutty.
You've got a stain right there.
Come on! I get it from Audrey's stupid bicycle.
She's never using it, it's been hanging in our hallway for two years-- Cool Mets stuff.
Thanks.
I wanted to hang it here, but Jen wants me to put it in my office.
I guess we'll figure out a compromise.
Yeah, Audrey and I, we compromise all the time.
Like when we got our first apartment, she wanted to get a cat.
And I didn't want to get a cat, so We compromised and got a cat.
It's too bad, but it's not gonna happen to me.
Jennifer's allergic to cat.
So am I.
Well, then why did you let Audrey get her way? You have a biology textbook around here? Look.
We're gonna find a place for all my stuff and I'll get settled in.
You know, I think marriage is gonna be really great.
Based on what? Look, look at this.
Jennifer wants a cake plate for our wedding.
There's going to be cake.
Yeah, sorry to disappoint you, but there's not going to be any cake.
- What do you mean? - I mean There's not gonna be any cake.
No, look She signed up for a cake plate, so there's got to be cake.
We have a cake plate.
Twelve years no cake.
- How can that be? - I don't know.
We've also got a juicer, no juice.
Waffle maker, no waffle.
Quesadilla maker No, señor.
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
I know, welcome aboard.
Look, I don't wanna be trapped in a cakeless marriage.
Again, welcome aboard.
There has to be cake.
There will be cake.
Okay, hon.
What are you doing now? Well, our place is too cluttered.
So I'm getting rid of some stuff and we'll probably sell this for money.
Buy yourself a thimble full of that face cream.
My bicycle? No, absolutely not, put it back.
- You haven't used it two years.
- I'm gonna use it.
You always say that but you never do.
Jeff, if you sell that bicycle, you will never see me naked ever again.
And the birthday deal? That will be off.
With or without you, the deal will proceed forward.
Okay, what brought this on? Adam's told me how Jennifer won't let him hang his Mets thing up and we talked about dumb wedding gifts-- I told you not to be a bad example.
Your bike's in the way, I bump into it all the time.
Maybe if you hadn't sold your bike two years ago, we'd still be riding together, you'd be skinnier and you woudn't be bumping into it.
I get plenty of exercise, Last Saturday, I went nine-for-seventeen in softball, that's a lot of running.
Yeah, and how many beers did you have after the game? I had maybe four.
And then three light ones.
So five.
Does any of this have to do with your bicycle? Figure it out, Jeff.
Give me a clue.
Was that the clue? The grocery delivery boy is here.
Who am I? The lonely housewife with no money to pay you? I like that game.
But no, I actually bought groceries.
I got flour, sugar, eggs, butter, vanilla, and this frosting was on sale.
I'm just gonna put it all right by this mixing bowl.
Are you gonna make a cake? No, I thought you'd like to make a cake.
You know, get a head start on married life I'm watching a game, drinking a beer, you're baking the cake, the dog brings me my slippers.
In your version of marriage am I allowed to vote? Yeah, honey, you can vote while the cake is baking.
I don't really bake and I haven't planned on starting.
Then why did you sign up for a cake plate on the wedding gift thing? I don't know, I just-- What's going on? Things are happening pretty quickly here and I thought I'd have my same nice life, except you'd be in it, which would make it better, but now, I can't put my Mets thing up, and I don't know where all my stuff's gonna go and I don't want a cat.
- I'm allergic to cats.
- Yes, so is Jeff! I don't know what's happening here.
Shouldn't you have thought about it before you proposed? I wasn't thinking when I proposed, I just did it! Is that right? Well You're obviously thinking now.
Are you sure you wanna get married? Yes, I'm sure.
Should I follow you or-- So, what? You move to New York from Ohio to become an actress? That is a great plan, I'm surprised more girls don't do that.
You know, you smell nice.
And the shirt, what is it, cotton or rayon? It's so soft.
Oh, wait.
That's your skin.
I should get back to work.
Let's talk later.
Oh, we will.
I wanna hear all about your You always have to touch them.
I'd be stupid not to.
A touch says, "If you didn't think I wanted to have sex with you, I do.
" You're here to meet Jennifer's friend Karen, so why even touch the ditsy waitress? You're just jealous 'cause your hit-on-ditsy-waitress days are over.
Well, they might not be.
Jennifer's really mad, she thinks I'm unsure about getting married.
Well, are you sure? - Yeah, I am.
- You paused.
I know, I keep doing that! Check it out.
Mongo like art.
Here he comes, I like Jeff, he's huge.
Hey, Russell, I saw you talking to that waitress.
If anything happens, I'd appreciate some details.
No problem, if you want, I'll set up a camera and make you a tape.
That'd be fun if he was kidding.
Hey, you don't need Russell's stories, I bet your love life with Audrey is still good.
Actually, we sort of wrapped up the sex portion in the marriage, it's been replaced by Letterman.
Ouch.
How many times a week? Four, five? Five.
I'm talking about Letterman.
So, does Jeff at least get why you're so upset about him wanting to sell your bike yet? No, he doesn't get that it's something we used to do together.
I'm not gonna explain it to him, he's gonna have to figure it out himself.
That may take a while.
Look, Adam.
Getting engaged is the right decision.
How long can you prowl around bar, slinging pick-up lines, have unemotional sex? I'll let you know.
I'm just saying, you're wrestling off bears, but eventually you're gonna get beaten.
Yeah, I wrestled a few bears in my day.
Wait, what are bears, fat chicks? But the thing is, you know, I had a lot of fun being single.
I guess my question is how do you know when you're done? Like when you find the right bear-- What is it with bears? Were you raised by bears or something? You know, guys, as helpful as this is, I'm going to the bar.
Good, good.
Keep drinking till you're happy.
Actually, that's good advice, I'll take it.
So Have you figured out why I'm so upset? I have some theories.
How about this art? It's blowing me away.
Hey, Russell.
It's my friend Karen.
Karen, Russell.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
May I take your coat? Are you gonna give it back? If it doesn't fit.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Sarah.
I'm Adam.
- It's a really nice jacket, Adam.
- Thanks.
I saw you talking to Audrey, she still pretty mad about that bicycle thing, so Maybe you could help me out.
She wants you to figure it out for yourself.
Not gonna happen.
That's odd, I didn't know nurses had business cards.
I started med school but took a break.
My dream is to become a pediatric surgeon.
You dream of operating on people's feet? No, that's a pediatrist.
A pediatric surgeon-- You're joking.
Are you ever serious? Tried it once, wasn't funny.
Too bad.
I think serious can be very sexy.
Seriously? And all my friends were always telling me, "Sarah, the most interesting things always happen to you, you should write a book!" So, long story, short ta-dah! I'm writing it.
It's fiction, I've just changed the names to protect the guilty! - Good idea.
- It's sort of The Catcher in the Rye meet Sex in the City.
I mean, I watch that show and I think, I am so Carrie! It's like her life is my life it's like there are 8 million people, but it's so hard to meet the perfect person! Yeah, it is.
Excuse me.
This looks like it symbolizes an internal wail, and the sense of loss and confusion.
What do you think? I think a monkey got into the paint.
I'm starting to get so crazy, I guess I'm just a little scared.
Well, I'm scared too.
Why are you scared? Because we did this pretty quickly and we don't seem to be seeing things the same way.
We will.
We just need time.
Are you sure? Excuse me? What do you see in this picture? I see a boat.
On the Hudson River.
On a summer day.
Yes, a boat on the Hudson.
Thanks.
Yeah, we'll be fine.
All you do is repeat what I say.
Have you had an original thought in the last 40 years? And the hearing aid goes off.
Don't you walk away from me, you son of a bitch! Hey, take a look.
A bicycle website? Jeff, I told you, you're not selling my bike.
I'm not, I'm getting one for myself, so that we can ride through Central Park together, like we used to.
- Really? - Yeah.
After softball.
And not on Sunday during football season.
That was nice.
You know, I'm glad I won.
I'm glad you did too.
Hey, is it all right if I sleep over? Here? Sure.
Great, because my apartment is really tiny and my roommate's a jerk.
It's like, she puts all her food on one shelf of the fridge, and tells me not to touch it, and I'm like-- I'm gonna get some water.
And I'm like, "fine!" Because I bring home really great food from some of my cattering jobs and I don't let her have any.
It's not like I want any of her food anyway, she eats all this organic stuff, like tofu and soymilk, and lastly she became a veggan, I don't even know what it is, I grew up in Cleveland, and we ate like hot dogs.
But I think she eats some of my food anyway.
Because last week, I brought all these giant shrimp home, and I counted them before I put them in the fridge, and the next day Two were gone.
Wait, did you just drink water and never stop talking? Yeah, I guess I did.
You wanna do it again? Yes, I do! I just kept going, didn't I? Thank you, open bar! You want to do it again? Again! Remember that? Yeah, that's so good.
Let me just lick that.
Here you go.
Delicious cake.
I know Now we're done with the cake, we're gonna have dessert.
Actually I'm really tired.
Okay, if we wait till tomorrow? It already is tomorrow under the sheet.
I'll make it worth your while.
All right.
I guess we have the rest of our lives to do this.
I think we're gonna be really happy.
Me too.
Here.
You can watch Letterman.
Letterman?