Seinfeld s01e01 Episode Script

Do you know what this is all about? Why we're here? To be out.
This is out.
And out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life.
Do you know how people talk about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about.
This whole thing.
We're all out now.
No one is home.
Not one person here is home.
We're all out.
There are people trying to find us.
They don't know where we are.
"Did you re? I can't find him.
Where did he go? "He didn't tell me where he was going.
He must have gone out.
" You wanna go out.
You get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation.
Then you stand around.
What do you do? You go, "We gotta be getting back.
" Once you're out, you wanna get back.
You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Wherever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go.
See that? To me, that button's in the worst possible spot.
The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt.
Look at it.
It's too high.
It's in no man's land.
You look like you live with your mother.
Are you through? You do, of course, try on when you buy.
Yes, it was purple.
I liked it.
I don't actually recall considering the buttons.
Oh, you don't recall.
Er, n-no, not at this time.
Well, senator, I'd just like to know what you knew and when you knew it.
Mr.
Seinfeld, Mr.
Seinfeld, Mr.
Costanza.
Are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? It's missing.
I have to do it in my head.
Decaf left, regular right.
Decaf left, regular right.
It's very challenging work.
Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee.
Claire's a professional waitress.
Trust me, George.
No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.
How come you're not doing the second show tomorrow? Well, there's this, uh, woman who might be coming in.
Well, there's this, uh, woman who might be coming in.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
What coming in? What woman is coming in? I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan.
No, you didn't.
I thought I told you about her.
Yeah.
She teaches political science, I met her the night I did the show in Lansing.
Huh.
There's no milk in here.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why's there no milk? What is she? What is she like? Oh, she's really great.
She's got, like, a real warmth about her.
And she's really bright and really pretty and And the conversation, though, I mean, it was You know, talking with her, it was like talking with you, You know, talking with her, it was like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.
So, you know, wh-what happened? Well, nothing happened, you know.
But it was great.
Oh, nothing happened, but it was This is great! Yeah.
Yeah.
So, you know she called and said she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless.
You devil, you.
Yeah.
Well, not exactly.
I mean, she said You know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar, and maybe we'd get together.
So, you know Oh, oh, oh.
"Had to"? Y-yeah.
"Had to come in"? Yeah, but "Had to come in"? Yeah, but "Had to come in"? Yeah, but "And maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "maybe"? Yeah.
No, no.
No, I hate to tell you this.
You're not gonna see this woman.
What? Are you serious? Why? Why did she call? What do I know? Maybe, you know, she wanted to be polite.
To be polite? You are insane.
All right.
All right.
I didn't want to tell you this.
Wanna know why she called? Yes.
You're a backup.
You're a second line, a "just in case," a B plan, a contingency.
Oh, I get it.
This is about the button.
Oh, I get it.
This is about the button.
Claire.
Claire, you're a woman, right? What gave it away, George? I'd like to ask you Ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view.
Oh, come on, now.
What are you asking her? Now, how's she gonna know? Please.
Now, a woman calls me, right? Mm-hmm.
She says she has to No.
come to New York on business You are beautiful.
And And maybe she'll see me when she gets in.
Does this woman intend to spend time with me? Does this woman intend to spend time with me? I'd have to say, uh no.
So why did she call? Be polite.
To be polite.
I rest my case.
Good, good.
Did you have fun? You have no idea what you're talking about.
Now, come with me.
I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer.
I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
Oh, come on.
Be a "come-with" guy.
Come on.
I'm tired.
Don't worry.
I gave him a little caffeine.
He'll perk up.
Right.
I knew I felt something.
I can't I can't Boom.
Jerry I have to tell you something.
This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.
Oh, look at this guy.
Look at He's got everything.
He's got detergents, sprays, fabric softener.
This is not his first load.
I need a break, Jerry.
You know, I gotta get out of the city.
I feel so cramped I feel so cramped And you didn't hear how she sounded.
What? Laura.
I can't believe We already discussed this.
Yeah, but how could you be so sure? Because it's signals, Jerry.
It's signals.
Don't you? All right.
Did she even ask you what you were doing tomorrow night, if you were busy? No.
She calls you today, she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night.
Yeah.
What is that? It's ridiculous.
Yeah.
What is that? It's ridiculous.
You don't even know what hotel she's staying at.
You can't call her.
That's a signal, Jerry.
That's a signal.
Signal.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.
Mm-hmm.
This is insane.
You know, I don't even know where she's staying.
She's She's not gonna call me.
It's unbelievable.
I know, I know.
It's tough.
Listen, your stuff has to be done by now.
Why don't you just see if it's dry? Just No, no, no.
Don't interrupt the cycle.
No, no, no.
Don't interrupt the cycle.
The machine is working.
It knows what it's doing.
Just let it finish.
You're gonna overdry it.
You can't overdry.
Why not? Same reason you can't overwet.
You see, once something is wet, it's wet.
Same thing with death.
Like, once you die, you're dead.
Right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you.
You not gonna die again.
You're already dead.
You can't "overdie," you can't overdry.
Any questions? Any questions? How could she not tell me where she was staying? Look at that.
They're done.
Look at that.
Dry! Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes.
It is.
No, think about it.
The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes.
You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind of dancing around in there.
A shirt grabs the underwear.
"Come on, babe.
Let's go.
" You come by, you open up the lid, and they all: Socks are the most amazing article of clothing.
They hate their lives.
They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers.
The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it.
They do escape from the dryer.
They plan it in the hamper the night before.
"Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going.
" "You wait here.
" The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall.
He hopes you don't see him, then he goes down the road.
Duh-du-duh Duh-duh duh-duh They get buttons sewn on their face, join a puppet show.
So they're showing me on television the detergents are getting out bloodstains.
Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on.
You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
You ought to get the harpoon out of your chest first.
If you know what happened in the Met game, don't say anything, I taped it.
Hello.
Yeah.
No, I'm sorry.
You have the wrong number.
Yeah.
No Yeah.
You up? Yeah.
Yeah.
People do move.
Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem.
Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? Oh, what are you doing? Kessler, it's a tape.
I taped the game.
Kessler, it's a tape.
I taped the game.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
I avoided human contact all night to watch this.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I You know, I-I thought you knew.
I You got any meat? Meat? I-I don't know.
Go hunt.
Well, what happened in the game, anyway? Well, what happened in the game, anyway? What happened? Well, they stunk! That's what happened.
You know I almost wound up going to that game? Yeah, you almost went to the game.
You haven't been out of the building in 10 years.
Yeah.
Well? You? I Oh.
You done with this? No.
When you're done, let me know.
Yeah, yeah.
You can have it tomorrow.
I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.
No, it's okay now.
That girl's not coming.
I I misread the whole thing.
Hmm.
You want me to talk to her? I don't think so.
No, I can be very persuasive.
No, I can be very persuasive.
You know that I was almost a lawyer? That close, huh? You better believe it.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Laura.
Oh, give me it.
Let me talk.
No.
What's up? Well, let me talk to her.
Believe me, I'm always up at this hour.
How are you? Great.
Sure.
What time does the plane get in? What time does the plane get in? I'll get my friend George to take me.
Now slide! Out.
Do you believe that? No, it's just my neighbor.
Um Yeah, I got it.
10:15.
No, don't be silly.
Go ahead and ask.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, great.
No, no.
It's no trouble at all.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Great.
Bye.
I don't believe it.
That That was her.
She wants to stay here.
That That was her.
She wants to stay here.
If my father was moving this, he'd have to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way.
"Have you got your end?" "Your end's got to come down first.
"Easy, now.
Drop it down.
Drop it down.
Your end's gotta come down.
" You know, I can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed for a woman that wants to sleep with you.
Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? Look, it's a very awkward situation.
I don't wanna be presumptuous.
I don't wanna be presumptuous.
All right.
All right.
One more time.
One more time.
What was the exact phrasing of the request? All right.
She said she couldn't find a decent hotel room.
A decent hotel room.
Yeah, a decent hotel room.
Would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place? You can't be serious.
This is New York City.
There must be 11 million decent hotel rooms.
What do you need, a? A flag? This is the signal, Jerry.
This is the signal.
This is the signal.
This is the signal.
Thank you, Mr.
Signal.
Where were you yesterday? I think I was affected by the caffeine.
Ho, ho.
All right.
Good dog.
Good dog.
All right.
Hey, he really likes you, George.
Well, that's flattering.
Ah, he's getting a drink of water.
Is this for that girl? Yeah.
Why even give her an option? This is a person I like.
It's not how to score on spring break.
It's not how to score on spring break.
All right.
Can we go? I'm double-parked.
I'm gonna get a ticket.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, wait a second.
I I forgot to clean the bathroom.
So what? That's good.
Now how could that be good? Because filth is good.
What do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lying around the bathroom? You think they have a woman coming over, "I gotta tidy up"? In these matters, you never do what your instincts tell you.
Always, always do the opposite.
This is how you operate? Psh.
Yeah, I wish.
Let me just wipe the sink.
It'll Why even give her an option for? Just give me a second.
Why even give her an option for? Just give me a second.
It's unbelievable.
Yeah.
How's the real estate business? It's, uh, not bad.
It's coming along.
Why, did you need something? You handle any of that commercial whhhhhh real estate, that sshhhooo? Well, I might be getting into that.
You keep me posted.
I'm aware of you.
All right, let's go.
I'm aware of you.
All right, let's go.
Let's go.
Oh! You're on-stage in 25 minutes.
The dating world is not a fun world.
It's a pressure world.
It's a world of tension, it's a world of pain.
And if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready because she needs things.
Women need equipment.
I don't know what they need.
I know I don't have it, I know that.
You You know what they need? Women seem to need a lot of cotton balls.
This is one Always been one of the most amazing things to me.
I have no cotton balls.
We're all human beings.
I have no cotton balls.
We're all human beings.
What is the story? I've never had one, I never bought one, I never needed one.
I've never been in a situation where I thought to myself, "I could use a cotton ball right now.
" "I could certainly get out of this mess.
" Women need them.
And they don't need one or two.
They need thousands of them.
They need bags.
They're like peat moss bags.
Have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out.
They're gone.
The bag is empty.
Where are the cotton balls, ladies? What are you doing with them? The only time I ever see them is in the bottom of your little wastebasket.
There's two or three that look like they've been through some horrible experience.
Tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them.
I once went out with a girl, she left a little Ziploc Baggie of cotton balls at my house.
I didn't know what to do.
I put them on the kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds.
I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure, "This is a dead town.
Let's move on.
" The dating world is a world of pressure.
Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night.
a date is a job interview that lasts all night.
The only difference between a date and job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
You know, "Well, Bill, "the boss thinks you're the man for the position "Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?" Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? Psh.
What a world that would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking.
You know, instead I'm like a detective.
I gotta pick up clues.
I'm like a detective.
I gotta pick up clues.
The whole thing's a murder investigation.
All right, listen, listen.
Don't get worked up.
because you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.
.
Really, how? Because it's all in the greeting.
All right.
If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Right.
You know, anything in In the lip area is good.
Lip area.
You know, a hug, definitely good.
Hug is definitely good.
Sure.
Although, what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are 8 feet apart? Those are brutal.
I hate that.
You know how they do that? Also, a shake is bad.
Shake is bad.
But what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top.
The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top.
The warm look in the eyes.
Hand sandwich.
Right.
Right.
Well, that's open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes Guess who.
Hey, hey.
He Hey! Hey! Hey.
Hey.
It's good to see you.
Hi.
This is my friend George.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
How are you? This is Laura.
Sure, Laura, sure.
I can't believe you're here.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
The bags.
Let's get the bags.
Oh, yeah, sure, the bags.
Here, Laura.
I'm sorry.
Oh, thank you.
Boy, that was an interesting greeting.
Did you notice that, George? Yes, the "surprise blindfold" greeting.
That wasn't in the manual.
So what do you think? Whoa.
Wow.
This place isn't so bad.
Yeah, it kind of motivates me to work on the road.
So make yourself at home.
So, uh can I get you anything? Uh Bread, water salad dressing? Actually, um, do you have any wine? Uh, yeah, I think I do.
Oh, do you mind if I turn this down? Uh, no.
Yeah, go Go right ahead.
Yeah.
Jerry, I was wondering would it be possible, and if it's not, fine, for me to stay here tomorrow night too? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why don't you stay? Yeah.
Um What is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you doing anything? Are you doing anything? Oh.
No, I'd love to do something.
I have my seminar in the morning, but after that I'm wide open.
Really? What would you like to do? Well Now, I know this sounds touristy, but I'd love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.
Yeah, we could do that.
Why not? Why not? I'm just I'm really glad you're here.
Hello.
Hello.
Yes.
Yes, she is.
Hold on.
Um, it's for you.
Oh.
Uh Hello? Oh, hi.
No, no.
It was great, right on time.
No, I-I'm gonna stay here tomorrow.
Yes.
Yes, it's fine.
No, we're going on a boat ride.
Don't be silly.
I'm not gonna have this conversation.
I'm not gonna have this conversation.
Look, I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Bye.
Never get engaged.
You're engaged? You know, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it.
I'm on this emotional roller coaster.
You're engaged? You know, I can't believe it myself sometimes.
You You have to start thinking in terms of "we.
" It's a very stressful situation.
You're engaged.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
Yeah.
You'd really like him.
You'd really like him.
I can't wait to get on that boat.
Me too.
I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking.
I don't get it, okay? I-I-I admit, I'm not getting the signals.
I am not getting it.
Women, they're so subtle.
Their little Everything they do is subtle.
Men are not subtle.
We are obvious.
Women know what men want, men know what men want.
What do we want? We want women.
That's it.
It's the only thing we know for sure.
It really is.
We want women.
How do we get them? Oh, we don't know about that.
We don't know.
The next step after that, we have no idea.
This is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites.
These are the best ideas we've had so far.
The car horn honk.
Is that the beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car.
The woman walks by the front of the car.
The woman walks by the front of the car.
He honks the This man is out of ideas.
How does the? "I don't think she likes me.
" The amazing thing is that we still get women, don't we? Men I mean, men are with women.
You see men with women.
How are men getting women? Many people wonder.
Let me tell you a little bit about our organization.
Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now.
Now, he may not be our best man Okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene.
That's why I think men get frustrated when we see women reading articles like "Where to Meet Men.
" We're here.
We are everywhere.
We're honking our horns to serve you better.