The Golden Girls (1985) s01e01 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" I taught a class today - the finest school in Dade County.
Two girls had shaved heads and three boys had green hair.
- They're expressing themselves.
- Well, I expressed myself.
I told them they had to leave.
They were too ugly to look at.
Now the parents are mad.
A father came in in a three-piece suit and defended Tiffany, a bald girl with a nose ring.
- What's that? - Enchiladas rancheros.
Why don't you just shoot me? - Hi.
- Oh, hi, Rose.
What a day.
One sad person after another.
Rose, you work at grief counseling.
What do you expect, comedians? Well, it would be a change of pace.
Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole? It's Miami in June - only cats are wearing fur.
- You going out? - No, no.
She's gonna sit here where it's I just need some cucumbers to put on my eyes.
You'll have trouble seeing, Blanche.
It's very good.
It reduces puffiness.
Does it work on thighs? I don't know, honey.
I don't need it on my thighs.
- Who's she going out with? - Harry again.
Harry? Who is this Harry? All Blanche said was he still has his own teeth and hair.
Oh, it is wonderful dating in Miami.
All the single men under 80 are cocaine smugglers.
- You know, I'd kill to be 20 again.
- Oh, I would kill to be 40 again.
Oh You know, I had the shock of my life today.
I was in the teacher's lounge, talking to a group of girls in their twenties.
Oh, they were so pretty.
At that age, you don't even have to be pretty and you're pretty.
We were laughing and giggling and having a great time and I completely forgot that I was older.
You know, I just felt like one of the girls.
And we had a wonderful time.
And then I got into my car and caught a glimpse of myself, and I almost had a heart attack.
This old woman was in the mirror.
I didn't even recognize her.
Who was it? - It was me.
- Oh.
Oh, Rose, I'm borrowing your earrings.
Lord, I'd love to get a face-lift by 8:00.
Blanche, who is Harry? Oh, girls, he's just wonderful.
He's very gallant, he's a perfect gentleman, he's a great dancer.
And he doesn't make noises when he chews.
Chewing - that's way up there on my list.
Comes right after intelligent.
He doesn't talk loud at the movies, doesn't take his own pulse, and he's still interested.
In what? Rose, if you have to ask, it does not matter anymore.
And he proposed.
Blanche, wait a minute! He proposed? You've only known him a week! - And he wants an answer tonight.
- Tonight? Ton What are you gonna tell him? I don't know.
He's very wonderful, but I have only known him for a week.
- That's right.
- But I don't want to lose him.
Girls, I just don't know what I'm gonna tell him.
I have to go put on my face.
What if she marries him? What'll happen to us? - This house is hers.
- Then we'll move.
We can't afford to buy a house.
What do we have for collateral? A gay cook? Oh, come on, Rose.
Nobody is getting married.
- Now, let's go talk to Blanche.
- Dorothy, we'll become bag ladies! - Blanche? - Come in.
Blanche, Blanche, your friend Harry wants an answer tonight.
What are you gonna tell him? I haven't decided.
I guess I'll know when I hear it come out of my mouth.
You'll know when you hear it come out of your mouth? This isn't a belch, Blanche.
This is marriage! Will you look at this? She has more colors than Benjamin Moore Paints.
You mustn't rush into anything, Blanche.
You hardly know him.
I just wonder what my husband George would think about me and Harry.
Well, if he was alive, he probably would not like it.
But since he's dead, I don't think it poses a problem.
I just want him to know that I'm happy, but that I could never be as happy with Harry in the same way as I was with him.
He knows, Blanche.
He knows.
Your thoughts and feelings go right to him.
You can communicate directly from your heart.
Can't you, Dorothy? Oh, don't ask me.
I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.
That's him.
He's early.
I haven't finished my face.
The only thing left is to dip it in bronze.
We'll get it.
Thanks.
- I wonder what he looks like.
- I hope he doesn't have hair in his ears.
- Hi there.
- Ma! - Ma, what's the matter? - Everyone is fine.
No one died.
- The home burned down.
- My God, are you all right? - How'd you get here? - I hitched.
- Oh, Ma! - A cab.
I took a cab.
Well, you should've called.
I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself.
I don't need help.
- I'm a totally independent person.
- I know, I know.
I need $67 for the cab.
$67? Ma, Ma, this is crazy.
The home is 15 minutes from here.
My cab driver is Cuban.
He said there was an additional tax for a bilingual driver.
I'll take care of him.
Sit down, Sophia.
You must be exhausted.
Why? I rode in the cab.
I didn't push it.
Oh, Sophia, honey! How nice to see you.
- Who are you? - It's me, Blanche.
You look like a prostitute.
Sophia, the things you say! She didn't mean that, Blanche.
Of course I mean it.
Look at her.
My cab driver would fall in love.
Can I get something to eat, or is the fancy man in the kitchen? - The way she talks! - She can't help it.
Oh, I've known plenty of women who have had strokes.
Some of them were in very bad shape, but they're still ladies.
But this stroke destroyed the part of her brain that censors what she says.
She just says whatever she thinks.
She can't help it.
He's an OK petunia.
Ma, Ma, the cab driver said you promised him a $67 tip! Don't be silly.
I said a six, seven dollar tip.
Why don't these people learn English if they're gonna live here? This is Miami.
I'd have less trouble getting around Ecuador.
- (doorbell - Oh, I'll get it.
- Harry, hi! - Ah, my pretty.
Oh, Harry.
Everybody, this is Harry.
- Harry, this is Rose.
- Rose.
- And Dorothy.
- Dorothy.
- Hi, Harry.
- And this is Sophia.
Well, you must be Blanche's sister.
You must be blind.
- Sophia's home just burned down.
- Oh, that's terrible! Not to me.
It was a retirement home, and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home.
Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs.
But they got bells going off like crazy.
You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty.
Uh, we'd better go.
We have reservations.
I hope he's taking you to a cold climate.
Good night.
Thanks, ladies.
It was a pleasure.
Nice meeting you, Harry.
Have fun! The man is a scuzzball.
This is so sad.
We were all so lonely and then by a miracle we found each other.
Rose, we both answered an ad to share Blanche's house that we found in the supermarket.
It was not the resurrection.
It is hardly a miracle.
To me it was a miracle because we're happy.
It's not fair, you know.
I mean, we get married, we have kids, the kids leave, and our husbands die.
Is that some kind of a test? You don't work that hard, you don't go through everything you go through to be left alone.
We are alone, Dorothy, we really are.
Our families are gone and we're alone.
And there are too many years left, and I don't know what to do.
Get a poodle.
It's yes.
I know it is.
She's gonna marry him.
Oh, come on, Rose.
She can't help it.
Blanche needs a man.
She told me, when George died, she made a date at the funeral.
Oh, not that she didn't love George.
She can't be without a man.
You know what I'm saying? What am I doing up? I'm subbing for a teacher who was shot by a student.
I need all the sleep I can get.
I used to sleep so well.
I never even turned over.
I'd wake up with a perfect hairdo.
Charlie, on the other hand, moves all night long.
His side of the bed looks like a murder took place.
- Rose, Charlie is dead.
- Why tell her? Coco, it's 15 years! I know he's dead.
I'm not crazy.
I just like to talk about him in the present tense sometimes.
- It makes him seem closer.
- That's fine, Rose.
You do that.
- I don't mind at all.
- Sure, Rose.
Set a place at the table.
- Well, hi! - What happened? Oh, we had the nicest time.
We went to Joe's.
You ever been to Joe's? - Yes.
What happened? - I had the stone crabs.
I never had stone crabs.
You ever have stone crabs? Yes, Blanche.
Just tell us.
I was just so relieved they didn't have eyes.
I can't eat anything with eyes, like lobster.
- I can't eat anything that moves.
- Like what, Rose? Horses? - Like oysters.
- Oysters don't move! Coco, they could dance! Who cares? - Tell us.
- Oysters move! Very slowly.
You have to watch very closely.
- Blanche, are you gonna marry Harry? - Marry Harry, marry Harry.
- A little rhyme.
- Knock it off.
Are you? Yes.
Next week.
I knew it.
I knew she was gonna marry him.
But next week? At our age, long engagements don't make sense.
I have to go to bed.
- Where will you live? - Well, here.
- Where will we live? - Oh, don't worry.
We'll live, we'll live.
Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
It's so hard to find a place to live.
- Well, you can just stay right here.
- Well, that's settled.
Oh, Rose! How could we stay here with Blanche and Harry? - She just said! - You certainly can until you find a place.
However long that takes.
We're going to New York for the honeymoon.
I just hope I don't get murdered.
Charlie and I waited two whole years before we got married.
I got married before my father finished the sentence.
You married your father? My father told Stan that he had to marry me.
I was pregnant.
You had a blowgun wedding? If you live in the Amazon.
In Queens, it's called "shotgun.
" Maybe that's why he left - because you forced him into it.
Rose, he left me 38 years later.
For a stewardess that he met on a business trip to Hawaii.
It was her first flight.
They said, "On arrival, give the passengers a lei.
" She got confused He got lucky, and they now live on Maui.
It's really wonderful.
A 65-year-old man with gout learning to windsurf.
I hope he trips on his thongs and falls into a volcano.
- Oh, it's you.
- Oh, Sophia, did we wake you? I heard noise.
I thought it was robbers, so I hid my jewels.
Now I can't remember where.
Ma, you don't have any jewels.
Thank God, because I can't find them.
Tea, Sophia? How about a shot of gin with a beer back? That was dumb of me to have tea this late.
I'll go to sleep and have to get up to go.
And wake me up.
You know, if you didn't drink before bedtime, you wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night.
I don't drink before bedtime.
I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
I never have that problem - never.
I sleep like a log.
I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
I go in the morning.
Every morning like clockwork.
At 7 am, I pee.
Unfortunately, I don't wake up till 8:00.
- Where's Blanche? - In the bathroom.
- I've gotta talk to you.
- What is it? I know this sounds crazy, but I'm suspicious.
- Of what? - Harry.
- Harry? - And I don't know why.
There's just something about it I don't like, and I have to tell Blanche.
- Tell Blanche what? - That she can't marry him! The wedding is in 12 minutes! You can't tell her that.
I owe it to her.
I'm her friend.
But there's nothing to tell her.
This is just some crazy hunch.
My hunches are never wrong.
Mrs.
Gandhi would be alive today if she had taken my call.
- I'm gonna tell her.
- You are not.
- I will not let you.
- I can't stop crying.
I'm so happy and so sad.
Kind of a happy sad.
- Speaking of sad, Blanche - Shut up, Rose.
She's crying already.
What's the difference? Rose, pick that up.
I just can't believe it.
I'm getting married! - What do you think about that? - I think it's a mistake.
To wear all that makeup.
I know it's fast, but I just don't know when I'll find another like him.
He just Oh, girls, girls, he makes me feel so good, so young, so happy.
Aw.
Rose, did you hear that? So happy.
Now I have to go to the bathroom again.
When I get nervous, I have to go all the time.
That's why I'm getting married here at the house.
Public bathrooms are so difficult for me.
I wash my hands so thoroughly, and then I find it so hard to get out again without touching the doorknob.
- Don't! - Be too long! Rose, that is a happy woman in there.
Now, I want you to promise that you will not say anything.
Do you promise? Are you sure? Well, what's got me so sad Ohh Oh, I just I just never, never had two better friends.
I just can't stand the thought of leaving you.
- Oh, Blanche, you look gorgeous.
- Oh! Shut up, Rose.
- Are you ready? - Yes, I guess.
Stop! (thud - The minister's here.
- Oh, I need perfume.
Perfume, perfume.
Come on, let's go.
- He's a half-hour late.
- He probably got caught in traffic.
Ladies, I'm on a tight schedule.
This is Miami.
I've got funerals backed up.
Give us a few minutes, please.
Five minutes more, then I've got to bury Mr.
Pinkus.
- (doorbell - You see? - Is there a Blanche Hollingsworth here? - God, he's been killed.
- Arrested.
- What? He gave me this to give to you.
He's a bigamist, ma'am.
He's wanted in four states.
He's got six wives.
You got yourself mixed up with a real hustler.
I'm sorry.
Well, you won't be needing me today.
Blanche, do you want to read the note? Do you want me to read it to you? "Dear Blanche, I guess you know by now.
"I'm really sorry.
"The thing is, I really liked you.
"This time was different.
You're a special lady.
Maybe someday you'll write to me.
Harry.
" Oh, God.
I'm stunned.
I'm just stunned.
I know.
Oh, I feel like such an old fool.
Not just a fool, but an old fool.
My God, I just wanna die.
You're not a fool, Blanche.
You're a beautiful, loving, trusting woman.
There's no fool here, Blanche.
I guess maybe I'm hoping the shock will be too much for my heart and I'll just drop dead right here.
And the minister can bury me with Mr.
Pinkus.
I won't have to look anyone in the eye ever again.
Except maybe Mr.
Pinkus.
If I meet our paperboy, he will not live to be a paper man.
Florida is having a drought.
In the entire state, there is not enough water to make a cup of tea.
He finds a puddle.
What are you doing? She's sleeping.
Just checking.
You never know.
Tell me, how is Blanche? She didn't go to work again today.
It's been three weeks and she just sits in her room.
The museum's gonna fire her.
Well, we've tried everything - golf, the movies, theater tickets.
She wouldn't even budge for Julio Iglesias.
I know grief.
It takes time.
Please, Rose.
Listen, if you're Irish, you have a wake.
You eat, you cry, you drink, you vomit, and you're done.
If you're Jewish, you cry, you sit, you eat for seven days, you put on ten pounds, and it's over.
We Italians scream, dress up a donkey, hire a band, and that's that.
It's these southern Protestants who make it a way of life.
When I go, put me in a steel sack and leave me on the curb next to the cans.
- We thought you were asleep.
- You never know.
You girls shouldn't sit out here in the sun.
- We've been so worried about you.
- I know.
- I'm so glad you're up.
- I'm sorry if I worried you.
- Aw, sweetheart, how are you? - I'm OK.
I really am.
No.
At first I wanted to give up, to die, truly.
Only time I ever felt worse was when George died.
But then I had the kids with me and I pulled through it.
This time, I thought, "This is my last chance, my last hope for happiness.
" - I just thought I'd never feel good again.
- How long is this story? I'm 80.
I have to plan.
This morning I woke up and I was in the shower, shampooing my hair, and I heard humming.
I thought there was someone in there with me.
No, it was me.
I was humming.
And humming means I'm feeling good.
And then I realized I was feeling good because of you.
You made the difference.
You're my family, and you make me happy to be alive.
- Let's drive to Coconut Grove for lunch.
- OK.
My treat.
We have to celebrate.
What, that she came out of her room? That we're together.
And that no matter what happens, even if we all get married, we'll stick together.
Then we'll need a much bigger house.
Sure, Rose.
After lunch, you can pick up the lumber.
- Ma, you want to join us? - Nope.
- I gotta rest.
I got a date tonight.
- Huh? With whom? The fancy man and I are going to the dog track.
- Your mother bets? - No, she rides.
She's a dog jockey.
Let's go.