Big Bang Theory s01e02 Episode Script

Here you go.
Pad Thai, no peanuts.
Does it have peanut oil? I'm not sure.
Everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
Since it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
- Any chopsticks? - Don't need chopsticks, this is Thai food.
Here we go.
Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the 19th century.
They don't put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
Ask him for a napkin, I dare you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
I'll get it.
Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.
- Hey, Leonard.
- Oh, hi, Penny.
- Am I interrupting? - No.
SHELDON: You're not swelling, Howard.
HOWARD: No, look at my fingers, they're like Vienna sausages.
- Sounds like you have company.
- They're not going anywhere.
So you're coming home from work.
That's great.
How was work? You know, it's a Cheesecake Factory people order cheesecake and I bring it to them.
So you kind of act as like a carbohydrate delivery system? Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage.
Yeah.
I was wondering if you could help me out - Yes.
- Oh.
Okay, great, I'm having some furniture delivered and I may not be here, so, oh Hello.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN.]
I'm sorry? Haven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian? - No, I haven't.
- Get used to it.
Yeah, I probably won't.
- Hey, Sheldon.
- Hi.
Hey, Raj.
Still not talking to me, huh? Don't take it personally, it's his pathology.
- He can't talk to women.
- He can't talk to attractive women.
Or in your case, a cheesecake-scented goddess.
There's gonna be some furniture delivered? Yeah.
If it gets here and I'm not here, could you sign for it and put it in? - Yeah, no problem.
- Great, here's my spare key.
Thank you.
- Penny, wait.
- Yeah? Um If you don't have any other plans do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon? A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there? You're kidding, right? I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman catches her.
- Which one was that? - One.
You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy? Yes, I know, men can't fly.
No, let's assume that they can.
Lois Lane is falling.
Accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second.
Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel.
Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
In what space, sir? In what space? She's 2 feet above the ground.
If he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement.
- It would be a more merciful death.
- That doesn't Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Are you listening to yourself? Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
An extension of his ability to leap buildings an ability he derives from exposure to sun How does he fly at night? A combination of the moon's solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
I'm just gonna go wash up.
I have 2600 comic books in there.
I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
Challenge accepted.
We're locked out.
Also, the pretty girl left.
Okay.
Her apartment's on the fourth floor, elevator is broken, you're gonna Oh, you're just gonna be done? Okay, cool, thanks.
- I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.
- I hardly think so.
Why not? Well, we don't have a dolly or lifting belts, or any measurable upper-body strength.
We don't need strength.
We're physicists.
We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes.
Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth.
It's just a matter I don't have this! I do not have this! Archimedes would be so proud.
Do you have any ideas? Yes, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.
Easy.
Easy.
Okay.
Now we've got an inclined plane.
Force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs call it 30 degrees, so about half.
Exactly half.
Exactly half.
Let's push.
Okay.
See, it's moving.
This is easy.
It's all in the math.
- What's your formula for the corner? - What? Oh, okay.
Okay, yeah, no problem.
Just come up here, help me pull and turn.
Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman? Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Yeah, those would be men who just had sex.
I'm doing this to be a good neighbor.
In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds.
Almost there.
Almost there.
- Almost there.
SHELDON: No, we're not.
- No, we're not.
No, we're not.
- I'm sorry.
- Watch your fingers.
- Yeah.
Oh, God, my fingers! - You okay? - No, it hurt Great Caesar's ghost, look at this place.
So Penny is a little messy.
A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy.
This is chaos.
Excuse me.
Explain to me a system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid? I'm just inferring that this as a couch because the evidence suggests the coffee table's having a tiny garage sale.
Did it occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort organize and label the entire world around them? No.
Well, they don't.
Hard as it may be to believe most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
Excuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.
- Come on, we should go.
- Hang on.
- What are you doing? - I'm straightening up.
Sheldon, this is not your home.
This is not anyone's home.
This is a swirling vortex of entropy.
When the transvestite lived here, you didn't care how he kept the place.
Because it was immaculate.
I mean, you open that man's closet it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses and his police uniforms.
What were you doing in his closet? I helped him run some cable for a webcam.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Penny.
This just arrived.
Brought this up.
Just now.
Great.
Was it hard getting up the stairs? - No.
- No? - No.
- No.
- We'll get out of your hair.
- Okay, great.
Thank you again.
Penny? I just want you to know that you don't have to live like this.
I'm here for you.
What's he talking about? - It's a joke.
- I don't get it.
Yeah, he didn't tell it right.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
Sheldon? Sheldon? Hello? - [WHISPERING.]
Sheldon? - Shh! [WHISPERING.]
Penny's sleeping.
Are you insane? You can't break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
I had no choice.
I couldn't sleep knowing that outside my bedroom was our living room and outside our living room was that hallway and immediately adjacent to that hallway was this.
Do you realize that if Penny wakes up there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here? I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
No, no.
You gave me an explanation.
It's reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have no peers.
Sheldon, we have to get out of here.
[PENNY SNORING.]
You might want to speak in a lower register.
What? Evolution has made women sensitive to high-pitch noises while they sleep so that they'll be roused by a crying baby.
If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
That's ridiculous! [PENNY SNORES.]
[IN DEEP VOICE.]
No, that's ridiculous.
[IN DEEP VOICE.]
Fine.
I accept your premise.
Now, please let's go.
- I'm not leaving until I'm done.
- Oh, no.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Oh, what the hell.
[HUMMING.]
Good morning.
Morning.
I have to say I slept splendidly.
Granted not long, but just deeply and well.
I'm not surprised.
A well-known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbor's apartment and clean.
Sarcasm? You think? Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox but the end result will be a measurable enhancement to Penny's quality of life.
You've convinced me, maybe we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
- You don't think that crosses a line? - Yes.
For God's sake, Sheldon do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth? You have a sarcasm sign? No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
You want some cereal? I feel so good today, I'm gonna choose from the low-fiber end of the shelf.
Hello, Honey Puffs.
PENNY: Son of a bitch! Penny's up.
PENNY: You sick, geeky bastards! How did she know it was us? I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
PENNY: Leonard? This is gonna be bad.
Goodbye, Honey Puffs.
Hello, Big Bran.
You came into my apartment while I was sleeping? Yes, but only to clean.
Really more to organize, you're not actually dirty, per Se.
Give me back my key.
I'm very, very sorry.
Do you understand how creepy this is? Yes, we discussed it at length last night.
In my apartment? While I was sleeping? And snoring.
And that's probably just a sinus infection.
But it could be sleep apnea.
You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist.
The throat doctor.
And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses? Depending on the depth that's either a proctologist, or a general surgeon.
Oh.
- God! - Okay, look.
No, Penny I think what you're feeling is valid and maybe later today when you're feeling less, for lack of a better word, violated maybe we can talk about this.
- Stay away from me.
- Sure.
That's another way to go.
Penny, Penny, hold on.
Just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave.
Is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping? Or do you also object to the imposition of a new organizational paradigm? [DOOR SLAMS.]
Well, that was a little non-responsive.
You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologize.
[SHELDON LAUGHS.]
What's funny? That wasn't sarcasm? - No! - Whoo.
Boy, you are all over the place this morning.
I have a Master's and two Ph.
Ds, I should not have to do this.
What? I'm truly sorry for what happened last night.
I take full responsibility.
I hope that it won't color your opinion of Leonard who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
I did what I could.
Hey, Raj.
Hey, I don't know if you heard about what happened with Leonard and Sheldon but I'm really upset about it.
I mean, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it.
Can you even believe that? How weird is that? RAJESH [IN VOICE-OVER.]
: She's standing very close to me.
Oh, my.
She does smell good.
What is that? Vanilla? You know? Where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot.
Okay? And you don't shoot to wound.
I mean, all right my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk.
What was I saying? She's so chatty.
Maybe my parents were right.
Maybe I'd be better off with an Indian girl.
We'd have the same cultural background and my wife could sing to my children the lullabies my mother sang to me.
It's obvious they meant well.
I'm having a really rough time.
Like I said I broke up with my boyfriend and it's freaking me out.
[RAJESH SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE IN VOICE-OVER.]
I mean, just because most of the men I've known happened to be jerks doesn't mean I should just assume Leonard and Sheldon are.
Right? She asked me a question.
I should probably nod.
That's exactly what I thought.
Thank you for listening.
You're a doll.
Uh-oh.
Turn your pelvis.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
Grab a napkin, homey, you just got served.
It's fine.
You win.
What's his problem? His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Been there.
Hello.
Sorry I'm late, but I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.
Really? You? Rajesh Koothrappali spoke to Penny? Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
What did she say? Is she still mad at me? Well, she was upset at first but probably because her sister shot somebody.
Then there was something about you, and then she hugged me.
She hugged you? How did she hug you? Is that her perfume I smell? Intoxicating, isn't it? - Hi.
- Oh.
What's going on? Uh Here's the thing: "Penny, just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb so too I regret my participation in what was at the very least, an error in judgment.
The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognize one's mistakes.
Madam Curie's discovery of radium turned out to have great potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning.
Another example, from the field of Ebola research" Leonard.
Yeah? We're okay.
LEONARD: Six two-inch dowels? - Check.
- One package Philips head screws? - Check.
Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay? I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was, like, 12.
I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media center.
Please, we insist.
It's the least we can do, considering Considering what? How great this place looks? - Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.
- What? These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components.
This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
- It looked pretty good in the store.
- It is an inefficient design.
For example, Penny has a flatscreen TV which means all this space behind it is wasted.
- We could put her stereo back there.
- And control it how? Run an infrared repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy-peasy.
- Good point.
How will you cool it? - Guys, I got this.
- Hang on, Penny.
- How about fans? - Here and here.
- Also inefficient, and might be loud.
How about a liquid cooler? A little aquarium pump here.
Run some quarter-inch PVC Guys, this is actually really simple.
Hold on, honey, men at work.
PVC comes here.
Maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as radiator here.
Show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and a overflow reservoir? If water's involved, we'll ground the crap out of the thing.
Guys, it's hot in here.
I think I'll just take off all my clothes.
Oh, I've got it.
What if we replaced panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft-grade aluminum? - Entire thing's one big heat sink.
- Perfect.
Leonard and Sheldon, go to the junkyard and get 6 square meters of aluminum.
Raj and I will get the oxyacetylene torch.
- Meet in an hour? - Done.
Got it.
Okay, this place does look pretty good.