Everybody Hates Chris s01e02 Episode Script

There she was: Keisha, the girl of my dreams.
I used to dream about a girl named Didi, but then I moved.
And it seemed like I could never get her off my mind.
Chris.
Chris.
Wake up.
Chris.
Wake up! What's going on? Scared the death out of me! Some days, I thought everyone I saw was Keisha.
I'm glad that wasn't her.
Well, at least I hope that wasn't her.
Keisha? You ain't taking my check! What check? What was she thinking? Get out of the street, fool! Get out of the street, fool! Get off of my car, fool! I got to get this girl off my mind.
Rochelle, I love your place.
How you keep it so clean with three kids? Oh, no, my children know how to act.
They know, once they walk through that front door, I don't tolerate no foolishness.
Uh-uh.
That's Sheila, Keisha's mother.
My mother didn't make a lot of friends, because she's, what I like to call, a ghetto snob.
Look at that woman out here with rollers in her hair.
Mama, you have rollers on.
Yeah, but I'm wearing a scarf.
No class.
Sheila gave my mother compliments and my mother loved compliments.
Oh, girl, I love those shoes.
They're all leather.
No, they aren't.
Chris, this is, uh, Ms.
Ridenhour.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
And you know her daughter, Keisha.
Hey, Chris.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, boy! Where do you think you're going after getting a "C" on your quiz? Back upstairs? Right.
Chris Chris.
Boy, you hear me talking to you? Ow! Close your mouth and go upstairs and help Drew with his math.
Do you know that Drew got a " on"C math quiz? That boy knows he could do better than that.
Well, Keisha's great at math.
She can help him if he needs it.
Oh, thanks, but Chris could do it.
You know he's going to a good school now.
Oh.
Well, I like your coffee.
Is it instant? Uh-uh.
No, child.
It's freeze-dried.
Like I said, ghetto snob.
I don't hear no math! That's Joey Caruso.
After giving me a beat down in front of everybody in school, Caruso got a warning.
If I see you within ten feet of him, you, young man, will be back in detention.
So, for a few days, Caruso left me alone.
And Greg figured if he stuck close enough, Caruso would be off his ass, too.
-There's Greg.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Greg.
If only Keisha liked me this much.
Why you all up on me? Look, Raymond told Caruso he couldn't get near you.
So, can I stick to you close for a while? Yeah, but can a brother get some space? Oh, yeah.
All right.
Uh, so so, what happened? Ah, man! Keisha? Right in your living room? Yeah.
And she said, "Hi, Chris.
" Ah, man! You are so in there.
You think so? Yeah.
I mean, she didn't just say "Hi.
" She initiated the "Hi.
" Whoa.
I never thought of it like that.
Man, you got to get a condom.
It'd be two years before I knew what a condom was and eight years before I got to use one.
Back at home, my father was thinking about something he wanted.
Hey, baby.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Who are you? I'm Sheila.
You must be Julius.
-What are you doing in my bathroom? -Um, Rochelle said -Where's Rochelle? -She's downstairs, I think -Rochelle! -I live next door.
- Where? -Next door.
I'm sorry, I I didn't mean to, um smack on your No, it's okay.
-I thought you were -No.
Forget about it.
It's all right.
What? Why didn't you let me know there were people in here? I'm sorry.
Uh, nice meeting you, Julius.
Girl, this color! I love it! It's going to look good on you.
It's hot.
Thank you.
a let myself out.
You got it, girl.
Bye, Rochelle.
No problem.
you got it.
Next time, let me know when you got people in my house.
Okay.
Anybody else in here? No! If she found a strange man in her bathroom, she'd be nervous, too.
What is wrong with that man? After I helped Drew with his math, his score changed by a whole grade.
A "D"? Chris, he got a "C" before.
I thought l told you to help him.
I did.
So, you move the decimal point over two places.
Hey, which one you like better? The spider web or the step ladder? Is Drew stupid? No, I'm not stupid, you idiot.
Well, this look like you are -Hey, hey, hey -Shut up.
Nobody is stupid.
Daddy, Drew got a "D" on his math test.
-Shut up.
-You shut up.
A "D"? Chris! I thought you were going to help.
I did.
Before Chris helped him, he got a "C".
Be quiet.
-No, you be quiet.
-Shut up.
Would you do something about this? Would you please be quiet, all be quiet.
Chris you go to a good school.
What you learning to do, ride the bus? Don't yell at me.
He got the "D".
Watch your mouth, boy.
Look, we're just going to have to get him a tutor.
Tutors are expensive.
He's just going to have to work harder.
We can barely afford kids.
We can't afford stupid kids.
Julius, if Drew's grades keep dropping, he's going to get kicked out of school.
And then, he's going to get hooked on crack.
And then, the next thing you know, we'll be walking in here without a stick of furniture.
Now, do you want to pay for a tutor or do you want to pay for new furniture? How much is it going to cost? Not a lot.
I'll get Keisha.
Who's Keisha? You know Sheila.
It's her daughter.
Back at school, Greg camped out for me like I was a new Star Wars movie.
Hey, where were you? I was at class.
At class? I've been waiting here for 15 minutes.
I told you to wait at my locker.
You weren't at your locker.
I'm at it now.
But you weren't then! Greg.
Too close.
There goes two more girls we're never going to get.
at's with the outfit? Oh, Keisha's coming over to tutor Drew today and I want to look good.
So, uh, what's the plan? I mean, you've got to have a plan.
Well, I guess, when I get home, I'll check in just to make sure everhing's cool.
And then, when Drew's finished, he'll be outside and then Tonya will be watching the TV.
That'll leave the two of us alone.
And then, you know No, I don't.
I mean, you going to ask her to be your girlfriend? I didn't know a lot of girls who had boyfriends.
Babies, yes, but not boyfriends.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Hey, you think it'd be weird if I, you know, went home with you, hid in your closet and watched the whole thing? Yeah Thought so.
I felt better than Billy Dee Williams after a case of malt liquor.
Chris! My mother was so loud, every Chris in Brooklyn could hear her.
Come on, boy.
I'm late fomy hair appointment.
Look, Keisha's upstairs with Drew, Tonya's watching TV.
Drew can play outside when he's done.
Oh, and give this to Keisha before she leaves.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Tonya's watching TV.
Check.
Couldn't risk being funky.
I'm the reason for the hole in the ozone layer.
Hi, Chris.
Ooh, I'm telling.
Shut up, Tonya.
Usually, when Tonya said she was telling, that meant I was getting in trouble.
But I didn't care.
All I wanted to do was slap the black off of Drew.
What happened? Looks like the older brother came home, found the little brother kissing his woman and slapped the black off him.
Is this the black? All we could find.
So much for brotherly love.
You're supposed to be up here studying, not kissing no girl.
-That's not part of your homework.
-Shut up.
I ain't shutting up nothing.
-And you going to get in -Shut up.
But I said I was telling.
I don't care.
You don't? Hmm.
All that mattered at that moment was that Drew had my woman.
I'm going to go downstairs.
What's wrong with you? What? You knew I like Keisha.
Now you're up here kissing her? I I didn't even know you liked her.
And besides, I wasn't kissing her.
She was kissing me.
He used that same excuse with a woman's husband ten years later and it worked.
Is she going to tell? No My mom told me to give you this.
I'll see you later.
I had never had a broken heart before.
I was so messed up, nothing could get me out of it.
Did I tell you nothing? Hey, Julius.
Uh, Rochelle's not here.
No.
Keisha left her jacket here.
You mind if I come in and look? Nah, I'll get it.
Sheila made my dad nervous.
Since there weren't a lot of men around, women on the block were always coming around when my mother wasn't home.
Did I leave my house keys? Did I leave my frying pan? Did I leave my sweater here? You have never been here! Can't blame a sister for trying.
Try this.
It's not here.
No, it's got to be here.
It'll only take a minute, Julius.
My father didn't like other women in the house for the same reason he didn't like guns in the house-- even with the safety on, somebody could get killed.
Oh.
I found it.
So, tell Rochelle You can, uh, let yourself out.
Okay.
I'll see you later, Julius.
Tell Rochelle that I'll be After everything that happened to me, the last thing I was thinking about was what was going to happen to Greg.
Hey, Chris.
So, uh, what happened with Keisha? Nothing.
Nothing? Come on.
Something must have happened.
Nothing happened, okay? All right, but, uh, you're acting kind of weird.
Fine, okay? I walked in on Drew kissing Keisha.
Wow.
You must feel terrible.
I mean, if I were you, I wouldn't even be able to stand right now.
I mean, seriously, I'd be on the ground crying.
Man, Drew kissing Keisha after all you went through to impress her, I'm surprised you aren't on the top of Brooklyn Bridge with a rock tied around your neck Shut up.
It's bad enough I had a girl taken by my little brother.
I don't need your suggestions on how to end it all.
You want to make me feel better? Tell me about the time when you got crushed.
Knowing a guy whose little brother made out is the furthest I've ever got with a girl.
Just leave me alone.
Hey, you little punk, I'm going to kick your butt up and down just like it's your daily beating.
I didn't want to see you get beat down.
Thanks, man.
Come on.
Let's go.
Greg's problems went away, but mine just kept coming back to haunt me.
Hey, son.
Want a soda? Dad, what do you do when you're trying not to like somebody, but you can't get them off your mind? Chris, we can't talk about this! Why not? Look, Chris, sometimes things ain't always what they look like.
I mean, just because you might think about somebody, doest mean anything's going to happen.
You know, it's it's just it's innocent.
But you can't tell nobody.
You just keep your mouth shut.
And keep your distance.
But she lives right next door.
Don't you think I know that? What you want me to do, move? It's nothing.
Forget it.
Drink your soda.
Well, what if she decides to tutor Drew again? Well, you just got to Drew? Yeah.
Who are we talking about? Keisha.
Oh Oh! Oh, Keisha! Keisha.
Hey, man, look.
Chris, you just have to focus on other things, okay? I mean, you know, it'll take a little time.
You'll meet some more girls.
She's just the first one.
Is she the first one? Kind of.
This is good.
If my father could just keep things to himself, he'd be all right.
You know, I waved at Sheila today and she acted all siddity.
Yeah, pretty women are always stuck up.
You think she's pretty? Huh? No.
No, I I don't.
I No! No, you had just said that you thought she was pretty.
I mean, she's not ugly.
I didn't notice.
So, you didn't notice a pretty woman walking around our house that you didn't know? I really okay! She was in the bathroom and I smacked her on the butt.
You smacked her on the butt? I smacked her on the butt.
I thout she was you! Look, I see a grown woman's behind running around my house, I automatically assume it's yours.
So, you can't tell my behind from hers? No.
But yet, my behind was perfectly clear to you last Wednesday.
I don't I I'm sorry.
So, are you attracted to Sheila? No.
No.
Well, Julius, if you're not attracted to her, how could you think she was me? Because, y'all both fine, baby.
What's Sit down, Julius.
I know you're not blind, Julius.
She's pretty.
And if you think I look like her, then I'm okay with that.
-Really? -No! If that happens again, somebody getting stabbed! That's my mother's version of being understanding.
Hey, Chris.
What? I'm sorry about that girl, Teisha.
Keisha.
Her name's Keisha.
Yeah, Keisha.
I didn't know you liked her like that.
It's nothing.
Just forget about it.
I know how you feel.
I remember this one time when I was six, man, this girl broke my heart, wouldn't give me the time of day.
Can you believe this? I'm being given advice about women by my little brother.
Don't worry.
You'll be all right.
Oh.
If you want, I could hook you up with Shanice.
Shanice? She's 16.
She'll make all about Kiki.
Keisha.
Her name's Keisha.
Right.
Keisha.
I always regretted that I never tried Shanice.
Since Keisha broke my heart, I promised myself I would never give her the time of day.
Hey, Chris.
Hi, Keisha.
Okay, that didn't work.
Get out of the street!