Frasier s01e02 Episode Script

Oh! Good morning, Dr Crane.
Not a morning person, are we? Never you mind - I am.
A good health care provider is up with the cock.
I've taken your father for his morning constitutional.
A remarkable man.
I see why you'd want him to live here.
Not many sons would do that, not without getting paid.
Coffee's made and I took the liberty of doing a shop.
They don't serve tripe in Seattle, do they? And you are? Daphne.
Daphne Moon.
I moved in yesterday.
You hired me to look after your father.
Sorry.
I'm not myself until I've shaved and showered.
I understand about one's morning ablutions.
I can't stand meself before I floss all that gunk out of me teeth.
Miss Moon Keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis.
Thank you.
Now my coffee.
The half-and-half's curdled and the garbage disposal's jammed.
- Good morning to you too.
- Morning was two hours ago.
And close that barn door.
We got a lady in the house now.
This isn't my coffee.
Where's my finely ground Kenya blend? That's it.
Daphne put an eggshell and some allspice in it.
And didn't that just dress it up.
I like it.
Gives it a zing.
Now, sit down.
Breakfast is ready.
Dad, all I ever have is a bran muffin and a touch of yoghurt.
Girly food.
I fixed your breakfast.
I made eggs in a nest.
The Crane family specialty.
Fried eggs swimming in fat, served in a hollowed-out piece of white bread.
I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak.
You want cheese on that? No.
I'd like to leave some blood flow for the clot to go swiftly to my brain.
Can't have my coffee.
Can't have my breakfast.
Oh, dear God, it wasn't a dream.
I'll get him for this.
And his little dog too.
Where's my paper? Who stole my paper? Mrs Everly, you old bat, I know it's you! Yoo-hoo! It's right here.
We brought it in for you.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Where's the rubber band? This paper has been read.
Don't worry, we won't tell you what's in it.
That is not the point.
Dad, come and sit down, please.
You're going to give a speech, aren't you? Oh, that's right, I forgot.
You're psychic.
Yes.
But I think anyone could feel this one coming on.
Let us get something clear.
I'm not a morning person.
I have to ease into my day slowly.
First I have my coffee, sans eggshells or anything else one picks out of the garbage.
Then I have a low-fat, high-fibre breakfast.
Finally I sit down and read a crisp, new newspaper.
If I am robbed of the richness of my morning routine, I cannot function.
My radio show suffers and, like ripples in a pond, so do the many listeners that rely on my advice to help them in their lives.
I'm sorry if it sounds priggish, but I've grown comfortable with this part of myself.
It is the magic that is me.
Get used to it.
I know this is a stressful time.
It's new for all of us, but I'm sure that soon we'll all be getting along swimmingly.
- Six more weeks of winter, I see.
- Oh, dear God! Down, Eddie, down.
I said down.
Good boy, Eddie.
Just get down.
Good, good, Eddie.
Get down! Dad, I can't read my paper.
Eddie's staring at me.
Well, you do make quite a picture in the morning.
- Ignore him.
- I'm trying to.
I'm talking to the dog.
Don't even think about it! You're listening to Dr Frasier Crane.
Our topic today is intrusion, those who encroach on our sense of personal space.
The neighbour who plays his stereo too loud.
The person who sits next to you at the movies when there are 50 vacant seats.
Now let's return to our calls.
And let me remind you once more that our topic today is intrusion since so many of you seem to forget that! Dr Crane, Leonard from Everett is on line two.
Hello, Leonard.
I'm listening.
'Hi, Dr Crane.
I'm a little nervous, but here goes.
'Several years ago I became afraid of large, open spaces.
'Lf I went to the mall I'd break out in a cold sweat and have to run home.
' Yes, Leonard, and your comments on intrusion? 'Nothing.
But now I'm afraid to go outside at all.
'I haven't seen another person in eight months.
' It sounds like you may have a serious condition known as agoraphobia.
But you're not alone.
'But I am alone, Dr Crane.
' Leonard, your problem is too difficult to deal with in the time we have.
Stay on the line.
We'll give you the name of a therapist.
That's all the time we have today.
You've been listening to Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Stay tuned for the news.
Then, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco and the Gonzo Sports Show.
I never miss it.
Yeah, right.
You want your messages? Roz, hang on to them.
I'll stay here in here for a while.
I feel an overwhelming need for solitude.
I've got a fascinating book, comfortable chair and a soundproof booth.
- Hiya, Doc.
How they hanging? - Bulldog, why are you here? We lost power in Studio C.
I have to do my show here.
(Blows whistle) Where the hell's my Cosell tape? Someone stole my tape! This is total BS! Oh, here it is.
Let me get out of your way.
Doc, I heard what you said to that kid who fantasises about killing his parents.
You know what I'd have told him? Sports.
You go out there, break some heads.
That'll turn him around.
If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racket.
Where's my Lasorda tape? This is total! Got it.
Hold on, I have to ask you something.
Gary? I broke up with him three weeks ago.
The sex was OK, but he was kind of limited.
- Maybe - No.
He wasn't bad in bed.
He knew where all the parts were.
But most of them were his.
Yes, totally passionless.
It was like he was thinking of someone else.
I know I was.
Somebody's here.
I've got to go.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye, Mom.
- That was your mother? - Yeah.
- You talk to your mother like that? - We talk about everything.
- Isn't that healthy! - You don't talk to your dad like that? - Hardly.
We hardly speak at all.
- Really? We're not really very similar people.
In fact, my brother and I are a lot more like my mother.
If it wasn't biologically impossible, I'd swear Dad was left in a basket on our doorstep.
- Sweetcakes, you seen my engineer? - Someone's talking to you, Frasier.
- Come on! - He called.
He'll be right here.
Do you want to go across the street and have an expensive coffee drink? Maybe some other time.
I'd like to continue my quest for solitude.
Go someplace where my father, Mary Poppins and the hound from hell can't find me.
Maybe I'll sit under the shade of a tree and read in a quiet park.
(Thunder and rain) Hello.
Hello? Dad? Daphne? Eddie? Could it be? (Hums Bizet's "March Of The Toreadors") # Toreador, don't spit on the floor # Use the cuspidor-a What do you think it's for-a? # (Door opens) So the elephant says, "He's with me.
" Ah, Dr Crane, you're home.
We're back from your father's physical therapy.
Oh, glory be.
Oh, happy day.
Not that I'm not delighted to see you, but I'm in the middle of an exciting chapter.
I understand.
So why don't I pop into the kitchen and brew you a nice pot of tea? - No, I've just poured a glass of wine.
- I see.
- What are you reading? - You wouldn't find it interesting.
Any good? I haven't formed an opinion yet.
Oddly enough, I'm having trouble getting into it.
Thick.
Dad Listen.
I don't want to offend.
But if you wouldn't mind, could you just let me read my book? No problem.
- What are you doing? - Leaving you alone.
- It's annoying! - What's your problem? - You've been like this all week.
- I can't get any peace in my own home! Forgive me.
When I moved in I didn't realise I had to stay chained to the radiator in my room.
- Perhaps only evenings.
- I heard that! You're never out of earshot! You've always been like this.
You were a fussy kid and it's got worse.
You and your precious morning routine.
You've got to have your coffee, got to have your quiet.
Aren't you a little hothouse orchid? Hey! I don't have to sit here and listen to that! Why don't you go and live in a bubble? Right now it sounds very inviting.
Finally a little peace and quiet around here.
Hello, Frasier.
Oh, what fresh hell is this? That's a nice way to greet your brother.
Cafelatte, per piacere.
I'm sorry, Niles, I'm trying to read.
It seems no matter where I light, I get interrupted.
"The Holotropic Mind" by Stanislav Grof.
He concludes that changes in breathing induces alternate states of consciousness.
Now you've ruined the ending.
I'm sorry.
That was inconsiderate.
Mille grazie.
How's Father? You mean the man who's driving me crazy.
The man who drove me out of my own home! And how's work? Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Dad and I had another fight.
I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof we'll do irreparable harm to our relationship.
What are the alternatives? If I didn't feel so guilty I'd do what I should have done in the first place - get Dad and Daphne their own apartment.
It hasn't been that long.
Give it a chance.
- Remember why you moved him in.
- Refresh me.
You wanted to get closer to Dad.
I still do, but he makes it impossible.
I can't read my book or have any peace in my own home.
So you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.
Ask yourself, have you tried to sit down talk to him? I mean really talk to him? Well, I Maybe I haven't done my best.
I guess I owe that to the old man, don't I? Well Thanks for the chat, Niles.
You're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
You're a good brother too.
Daphne, what are my things doing here? My leather chair, my Tisami lamp.
We're putting them in the basement.
There was no room in your study with my furniture in.
- We discussed it last night.
- Of course.
I was going to ask that peculiar man from building services to help me.
Oh, yes.
Kyle.
Give him my regards.
Remind me again.
Which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me? The brown one.
Daphne left dinner in the fridge, if you're hungry.
Thanks, but I'm not.
Dad I'm sorry about the blow-up earlier.
Forget about it.
I already have.
There's been a lot of tension between us.
We never have a chance to sit and talk.
I thought we might have a conversation.
Right now? I think now would be a good time.
Later would be better.
It shouldn't be a long conversation.
I'm talking three minutes of your life.
OK, but my programme's coming on.
If it will make you any happier I'll get the egg timer and I'll set it for three minutes.
So what do you want to talk about? The idea is to have a normal, honest conversation without getting on each other's nerves.
Ready? - Go.
- This is stupid.
One second? That's our personal best? Let us see if we can beat it.
Ready? Go.
- How about those Seahawks? - No sports.
- No opera.
- Agreed.
Ready? Go.
This is your idea.
You say something first.
All right.
I'll tell you something about myself that you don't know.
Six months ago, when Lilith and I were really on the rocks there was a time of depression I went through that was so terrible that I actually climbed out on a ledge and wondered if life was worth living.
Then I thought of Frederick.
And you didn't jump, huh? Good, Dad.
Wow, I never knew that.
That's the point of this experiment, to tell each other something we don't know about each other, something vulnerable.
Your turn.
OK.
About two months ago I was going through old pictures of your mother and me.
All of a sudden, something flew up in my eye.
When I was trying to get it out, I realised that I could turn my eyelid inside out, the way kids do at camp.
- That's it? You call that vulnerable? - It hurt! I'm not talking about that kind of pain.
I'm talking about your emotions, your soul.
A painful, gut-wrenching experience.
- Other than this one? - Always a flip answer.
- This whole thing's stupid.
- Not to me.
How should I expect anything out of you? You are the most cold, unapproachable, stubborn, cold man I've ever known.
- You said "cold" twice, Mr Egghead.
- Egghead! Egghead! - You said "egghead" twice too! - You are infuriating! Know what you are? (Timer dings) I'll tell you later.
I don't think you see how serious this is.
Will you give it a rest? We're not getting along and it's not getting any better.
I'm not sure how to say this, but uh I I'm afraid I'm going to have to I know.
You want what's best for both of us.
You want to get me out of here.
We'll each have our own space and can put an end to all this bickering.
Well, yes.
I guess it wasn't so hard to say after all.
- Except for one thing.
I'm not going.
- What? You want us to forge some great father-son relationship, That takes a couple of years, doesn't it? You're the shrink.
- A couple of years? - It'll go by before you know it.
Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.
I'm willing to give it a shot if you are.
- OK.
- How about us having a beer together? Wow! In all these years you've never asked me that.
I'd love to have a beer with you.
- Haul ass.
The store is about to close.
- Right.
# Hey baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy! # And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe # But I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again Good night! #