How I Met Your Mother s01e02 Episode Script

- OLDER TED: Okay, where was I? - You were telling us how you met Mom.
- In excruciating detail.
- Right.
So, back in 2005, when I was 27, my two best friends got engaged.
And it got me thinking, maybe I should get married.
And then I saw Robin.
She was incredible.
I just knew I had to meet her.
That's where your Uncle Barney came in.
I suggest we play a little game I like to call, 'Have you met Ted?' No, no, no, no, we're not playing 'Have you met Ted.
' Hi, have you met Ted? So I asked her out, and I know this sounds crazy, but after just one date I was in love with her, which made me say something stupid.
I think I'm in love with you.
What? - Oh, Dad.
- So then what happened? Nothing.
I mean, I'd made a complete fool of myself.
So, a week went by and I decided not to call her.
So, you're not gonna call her? You went from 'I think I'm in love with you' to 'I'm not gonna call her'? I wasn't in love with her, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract concept of getting married.
It had absolutely nothing to do with Robin.
- Robin? - Hey.
Look who I ran into.
Since when do you guys know each other? Oh, since about here.
Lily recognized me from the news - Hello, sailor.
- They just got engaged.
Well, I should get back to the station.
See you guys.
- Nice seeing you, Ted.
- Yeah, you, too.
Thanks.
- Damn it! - What? - I'm in love with her.
- No.
As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse.
- You blew it.
It's over.
Move on.
- I don't know.
I just have this feeling she's the future Mrs.
Ted Mosby.
(SQUEAKING) Lily, you squeaked? She said something about me, didn't she? Come on, spill it, Red.
Fine.
So, what do we think of Ted? Ted's something else.
Huh? I'm gonna spin that as good.
Lots of guys are something, I'm something else.
He comes on a little strong.
But that's part of my charm.
- But that's part of his charm.
- Oh, totally.
I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, he's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am.
I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual.
- This just stays between us, right? - Are you kidding? This flapper, Fort Knox.
Oops.
She wants casual? Okay, I'll be casual.
I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual.
You know why? 'Cause it's a game.
I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily-ever-after thing, but you don't get there unless you play the game.
- So you gonna ask her out? - Yeah.
No! I can't ask her out, because if I ask her out I'm asking her out.
So how do I ask her out without asking her out? Did you guys get high? I got it.
I don't ask her out.
I invite her to our party next Friday.
- We're having a party next Friday? - We are now.
Casual.
Yeah, 'cause nothing says 'casual' like inviting a hundred people over just to mack on one girl.
Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.
You waited five minutes to tell me that? - All right, so call her up.
- No, calling's not casual.
I just got to bump into her somewhere.
Now, if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter.
That's great, Ted.
You'll be the most casual staIker ever.
Now, ever since Marshall put that ring on her finger, Lily had been, well, extra affectionate.
Baby, no.
I have a 25-page paper on constitutional law due Monday.
I've barely started.
Hey, I'm just sitting here wearing my ring.
My beautiful ring.
Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong.
My shirt.
Kind of don't wanna wear my shirt anymore.
Or my underwear.
That's right.
I'm not wearing any.
(SIGHING) - No underwear? - Not even slightly.
Guys.
Boundaries.
- There she is.
- Thanks, Bill.
I'm reporting from the Razzle Dazzle Supermarket on 75th and Columbus Game on! where four-year-old Leroy Ellenberg has climbed inside a Grab-A-Prize machine and gotten stuck.
And all in the pursuit of a stuffed, purple giraffe.
For Metro News 1, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
PRODUCER: We're clear.
ROBIN: Thanks, Don.
Ted? - Robin? Wow, what are the odds? - What are you doing here? Oh, you know, just shopping for dip.
I love dip.
No, I don't love dip.
I like dip.
As a friend, you know.
So, hey, you reporting a news story or something? Yeah, a kid stuck in a crane machine.
How sweet of you to call it news.
Wow, kid in a crane machine.
You just had to have that toy, didn't you? Couldn't play the game like everyone else.
You're all sweaty.
Cute kid.
You know, it's so funny I should run into you.
We're having a party next Friday if you feel like swinging by, but, you know, whatever.
Oh, I'm going back home next weekend.
- It's too bad it's not tonight.
- It is.
It's tonight.
This Friday.
Did I say next Friday? Yeah, sorry.
I guess I've been saying 'next Friday' all week.
But, yeah, it's tonight.
The party's tonight.
But, you know, whatever.
(PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hey, am I interrupting anything? No, no, I'm just writing my paper, hitting the books.
Yeah, well, you and Lily might want to put some clothes on.
We're throwing a party in two hours.
Okay, bye.
(MUSIC PLAYING) So, Gatsby, what are you gonna do when Robin shows up? Okay, I got it all planned out.
She steps through the door.
And where is Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door.
No, I'm across the room at my drafting table showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff.
So, Robin strolls over, and I casually give her one of these, 'Hey, what's up?' She says, 'Hey, nice place, etcetera, etcetera.
' And then I say, 'Well, make yourself at home.
' And I casually return to my conversation.
Then, an hour later, 'Oh, you're still here?' I say, like I don't really care but it's a nice surprise.
And then, very casually, 'Wanna see the roof?' - The roof.
- The roof.
I get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest.
What's so special about the roof? Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline.
You can't not fall in love on that roof.
We do it up there sometimes.
- Solid plan, my little friends.
- We're the same height.
But may I suggest one little modification? BARNEY: That foxy young thing you were chatting up? Take her up to the roof and have sex with her.
- Crazy, monkey-style - That's not the plan.
It should be the plan.
I mean, look at her.
Ted, look at her.
- She's smoking.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- But she's not Robin.
Exactly.
Ted, let's rap.
Statistic.
At every New York party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at.
She knows no one you know and you will never see her again.
Do you see where I'm going, huh, with this? Barney, I don't think so.
- Scoping, bip, scoping, bip.
- Man, you're a dork.
Bip, bip, bip, bip.
Target acquired! And now it's time we play a little game I like to call, - 'Have you met Ted?' - Oh, come on, not this.
- Hi, have you met Ted? - No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You know Marshall, Lily? - No.
- Do you know anyone at this party? - I work with Carlos.
Excuse me.
Anyone know a Carlos? - No.
- No.
On a silver platter.
Bon appétit.
I don't think so.
Your loss, her gain.
Excuse me, can I show you the roof? - It's magical up there.
- Sure.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, I got that roof reserved.
- Dude, Robin's not coming.
- Hey, she's gonna show up.
She'll show up.
OLDER TED: She didn't show up.
At least, it was a great party.
I ate like four whole cans of dip.
You always know what to say, old friend.
(PHONE RINGING) - It's Robin.
- Answer it.
No, no, no, not right away.
I gotta seem casual.
- Hello? - I'm so sorry I missed your party.
- Who is this? Meredith? - Robin.
Oh, Robin.
Hey, yeah, - I guess you never showed up, did you? - No, I got stuck at work.
But they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.
- Did he get to keep the purple giraffe? - Yeah, they let him keep all the toys.
He was in there a long time and little kids have small bladders.
I wish your party was tonight.
It is.
The party's tonight.
Yeah, it's a two-day party, 'cause that's just how we roll.
So if you wanna swing by, you know, it's casual.
See you.
- So that was Robin.
- What are you doing to me, man? - I got a paper to write.
- I know, I'm sorry.
It's terrible.
- I'll buy more dip.
- Ted, Ted, wait! Get French Onion! Can you believe this guy? I got a paper to write.
Okay, fine.
But it's gotta be, like, super quick.
- And no cuddling after.
- I'm the luckiest girl alive.
Oh, you were so right about the roof.
The roof! The roof is on fire, Ted! That girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple times and sent her walking.
She will never find her way back and there she is.
- How did she get here? Did you invite her? - I have no idea who that is.
She said she works with Carlos.
Who's Carlos? I don't know any Carlos.
(GRUNTS) - Hi, you.
You're back.
- I sure am.
- Come on, sweetie, I need a drink.
- Sweetie.
Really? Help.
Whoa, whoa, rabbits.
Come on, I got that roof reserved.
All right.
So, it's over between me and Works with Carlos Girl.
- Oh, that was fast.
- Yeah.
I was trying to think, what's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met? - I think I'm in love with you.
- What? - Thanks, bro.
- Glad I could help.
What the No, no, no, no, come on.
Sorry, Ted.
Great.
What am I gonna do when Robin shows up? She'll show up.
OLDER TED: She didn't show up.
All right, we threw two parties, everybody had fun, everybody Wang-ed, everybody Chung-ed.
Now the kid has got to get to work.
And the kid is not to be disturbed.
Repeat after me, 'I will not have sex with Marshall.
' - I will not have sex with Marshall.
- I will not have sex with Marshall.
(PHONE RINGING) It's Robin.
- Hello? - Hi, Ted.
Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry.
You totally sounded like Amanda.
- It's Robin.
- Oh, Robin.
- Hi.
- I totally wanted to come.
I got stuck at work again.
I feel like I live there.
Sorry I missed your party, again.
Hey, ain't no thing, but a chicken wing, mamacita.
Who am I? I guess there's no chance your two-dayer turned into a three-dayer? It did indeed.
The party continues tonight.
Yeah, last night people were, like, 'Keep it going, bro! Party trifecta!' Wow, okay.
Well, I'll be there.
Great.
See you tonight.
So that was Robin.
OLDER TED: So I threw a third party for Robin, on a Sunday night.
Oh, this is lame.
Lame or casual? - Lame.
- Or casual? Hey, law books.
Ready for a little 15-minute recess? Sorry, baby, I gotta work.
I need all my blood up here.
Has anybody seen An Introduction to Contract, Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923? - Anybody seen a big-ass book? - No.
WOMAN: Hello, Barney.
Of course.
You look well.
Is it weird they invited both of us? Who? Who invited you? No one even knows who you are.
I understand you're hurt, but you don't have to be cruel.
Carlos was right about you.
Who is Carlos? Hey, where the hell is my Oh! Okay.
An Introduction to Contract, Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923 is not a coaster! Ted, I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not even gonna show up! I mean, where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin? Hi.
Hi, Robin.
So, you threw all these parties for me? No.
Oh, you thought that No.
Okay, yes.
You got me.
One of the reasons I threw these parties was so that I could introduce you to this guy.
I figured, you know, since it didn't work out between us and now we can just laugh about it.
(TITTERING) - Well, anyway, Robin, this is - Carlos.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) She's still talking to Carlos.
I can still win this.
It's not over.
Okay, buddy, time for the tough talk.
Robin seems great, but let's look at the facts.
You want to get married and right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you.
But Robin ain't one of them.
She's not just one of them.
She's the one.
Yeah well, 'the one' is heading up to the roof.
What are you gonna do? Nothing.
It's a game.
I gotta just keep playing it.
ROBIN: Hey.
TED: Hey.
- Carlos, can you give us a minute? - Hey, no sweat, hombre.
See you.
Robin, look, I didn't throw this party to set you up with Carlos or the one before that, or the one before that.
I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.
Well, here I am.
There's something here.
Look, unless I'm crazy.
You're not crazy.
I don't know, Ted.
I mean, we barely know each other and you're looking at me with that look and it's like - What, like what? - It's like, 'Let's fall in love, 'and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.
' I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.
It's a great look, but you're looking at the wrong girl.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever.
And if we go out together, I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you or break your heart and I just couldn't do either of those things.
Just like you can't turn off the way you feel.
Click.
Off.
Let's make out.
What? What? That was the off switch and I turned it off.
I mean, look, sure, yes, I wanna fall in love, get married, blah, blah, blah.
But, on the other hand, you, me, the roof.
- There's no off switch.
- There is an off switch.
And it's off.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
Oh.
No, it's not.
You're right.
There's no off switch.
- God, I wish there was an off switch.
- (EXHALING) Me, too.
- God, I wish there was an off switch.
- (EXHALING) Me, too.
So What do we do now? We could be friends.
Look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that but we could.
I don't know, Robin.
I made such a jackass of myself here, we start hanging out, every time I see you, it'll be like, 'Oh, that's right, I'm a jackass.
' You're not a jackass.
Look, I'm sorry.
I only moved here in April, and I'm always working.
And I just haven't met a lot of good people so far.
But I understand.
Well, maybe in a few months after it's not so fresh we could all, you know, get a beer.
Yeah.
That sounds good.
I'll see you, Ted.
Or, you know, now.
We could all get a beer now.
I'd like that.
My friends are gonna love you, like you, you know as a friend.
Jackass.
Unbelievable.
That's just a recipe for disaster.
They work together.
- You jealous? - Oh, please.
- What does Carlos have that I don't? - A date tonight? (ALL JEERING) Stop the tape.
Rewind, play it again.
(GIBBERING) A date tonight? I'm not sure I like her.
Hey, don't you have a paper to write? - Dude, you're taIking to the kid.
- I know it.
I'm gonna knock back this beer, I'm gonna knock back one more beer, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna write a 25-page paper, I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get a 'A.
' My name is Rufus and that's the Troofus.
OLDER TED: He got a B-minus.
But, still, 25 pages in one night, B-minus? The kid was good.
At least, let me buy you a beer.
Come on, I'll buy everyone a beer.
I'll help carry.
- You know something, Ted? - What? You are a catch.
You're gonna make some girl very happy.
And I am going to help you find her.
Well, good luck.
I mean, maybe, New York is just too big a town.
I mean, there's millions of people in this city.
How, in all this mess, is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin? Hi, have you met Ted?