Mike & Molly s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on Mike & Molly: How about we hit clubs after we get off, huh? Have a few drinks, find some bad girls who wanna cop some pleas.
Or even better, please some cops.
No, thanks, I got an OA meeting.
Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night? That is pathetic.
Oh, I'm pathetic.
Which one of us lives with his grandma? Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself? Face it, you're a big-boned girl.
Bones don't jiggle, Mom.
Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake? Fresh out of the oven.
- Give me.
- Just gonna go to my OA meeting.
You're never gonna meet a cute guy at the chub club.
- Hi, my name's Mike.
I'm an overeater.
Hi, Mike.
I had a pretty fair week.
I lost 3 pounds.
Then I took off my shirt and I found it about here.
Molly.
- Mike.
I'm a fourth-grade teacher and I'd love to have a police officer come and speak to my class.
Okay.
I will.
All right.
Hey, Samuel, could you pour my diet shake into a malted glass? - What's wrong with this? - It's about presentation.
See, if my mind thinks it's drinking a delicious, chocolaty treat it forgets that it's trying to choke down a glass of powdery, diarrhea-inducing swill.
Coming right up.
Sometimes it does that too.
Hey, I got tickets to the Cubs tomorrow night.
You wanna go? Oh, I would love to, but, uh, I'm going out with Molly.
Really? You finally called her? Why am I just hearing about this? Oh, I'm sorry.
Haven't you been following my Facebook page? Dude, well, I tell you everything I do.
You're not doing anything.
While that is very hurtful I'm gonna pass that off as a low-blood-sugar thing.
He said, biting into his delicious bacon cheeseburger.
- So where you taking her? - At that new French place at Navy Pier.
Mmm, nice.
But don't let them talk you into anything with truffles.
That's a scam.
Just fancy-ass fungus.
- Noted.
- What are you gonna wear? A tube top and a tiara.
What difference does it make? First impressions, my friend.
There's three things you want a woman to believe about you.
Oh, good, advice from a man who lives with his grandma.
One, you're interested in what she has to say.
Interject words "uh-huh" and "really" as often as possible.
- You can't say it too much.
- Really? Uh-huh.
Two, make her think you're tortured.
Equal parts good and evil.
- There's no telling which side's gonna win.
- Create an illusion of danger.
Exactly.
Bad boys get all the yum-yum.
And three, and most important: Make her think you can have sex whenever, with whoever you want and whatever happens with her is no big deal.
- Well, how do you do that? - It's a Zen thing.
You gotta look at reality as an illusion.
Therefore, you want nothing and you need nothing.
It also helps to masturbate about two or three times before you leave the house.
Thank you.
Very helpful.
I'm a fountain of wisdom.
Drink from me.
The thing is it's not really my style to pretend to be somebody I'm not.
What you see is what you get.
I try to be honest with people.
I try to be honest with myself.
- Who ordered the chocolate malt? - I did, I did.
Oh, God.
Great.
Just what I needed.
Damn it.
Hey, sweetie.
Dinner's almost ready.
Ma, why do you keep setting the alarm when you're still in the house? It's a precaution.
I don't want some home invader to sneak in while I'm bent over the dishwasher and take me against my will.
Oh, sure.
Like that's possible.
- How was work? - Great.
I'm living the dream.
You're the one who wanted to be a teacher.
I wanted you to be a prima ballerina.
Completely disregarding the fact that I was 140 pounds in second grade.
Swans come in all sizes, potato bug.
So, what you got going this weekend? Some fun plans? - I'm gonna go to dinner with that cop.
- Good for you.
- You need to get out more.
- Oh.
I mean, what's it been, like, a year? Eighteen months.
And thank you for asking.
Oh.
Hey, there's no shame in it.
Your Aunt Margaret went without a man for seven years.
Of course she was married to Jesus, but Oh.
At least until she snapped and ran off with that Puerto Rican boy who sold snow cones outside the church.
Darn, what's the code? It's the house number.
Man, this is one big-ass dummy.
He's got your hairline and my body.
This could be our baby.
I don't think we're gonna find anything for me.
Let's go.
Whoa, I thought you were gonna give this a chance.
Sorry, I'm just not comfortable trying clothes on in public.
That's why I prefer the Internet.
Yeah, and that's why most of your clothes fit you like a car cover.
I don't shop for style, I shop for comfort.
Mm-hmm, and keeping the tree sap off your paint job, I got it.
- Hey, Carl.
- Cousin Andre.
Good to see you.
What brings you here? I brought you a customer.
Meet Andre, owner and proprietor of Andre's Big & Tall.
And Andre's Big & Tall West.
- What you looking for today? - Mike's got a hot date.
I'm trying to get him a look that pops.
All my clothes pop eventually.
I'll tell you right off the bat, we need to add color to your wardrobe.
See? He's not wrong.
Uh, I mean, look at you, you're dressed like a UPS truck.
Hey, brown is an autumn color.
I have been told that I am an autumn.
You're an autumn and two months of winter.
Look, just give this a chance.
Open yourself up to a new style, a new look, maybe even a whole new you.
Don't oversell it, brother.
They're just clothes.
- All right, what the heck.
- There you go.
I'm open to a little color, but nothing too crazy.
I don't want my date to open a door and scream, "Hey, Kool-Aid.
" I got you.
We'll stay away from primary colors.
Good, and, uh, no horizontal stripes.
Horizontal stripes? Look, you are not my first big boy rodeo.
Look, don't worry.
I'm not letting you walk out of here without looking your best.
That's the truth.
We got a 400-pound uncle he made look like Wesley Snipes.
He's a handsome man.
And everything I sell has a 30-day, money-back guarantee.
Unless, of course, you get it sweaty or spill gravy on it.
- Probably don't get a lot of returns.
- Not a one.
You wait here, while I grab things off the rack.
Oh, feel free to help yourself to some chocolate milk and Hot Pockets.
Hot Pockets.
Damn, he's got an entrepreneurial mind.
- You getting a kickback here? - Little bit.
Molly, you really should call and cancel with this guy.
I don't wanna cancel.
It took him forever to ask me out.
If I call now and tell him I'm sick he's gonna think I'm making some lame excuse.
Well, do what you want.
But I'm just saying guys hate it when you sneeze on their wieners.
- Here, baby, drink this cough syrup.
- Oh, good.
Thank you.
Mm.
Oh, slow down there, slugger, that's got codeine in it.
God, Mom.
Don't worry.
You'll be fine.
As long as you're not driving a car or nursing a baby.
Live and learn.
Well, how do I look? - Very cute.
- Absolutely adorable.
You're lying.
I look like Kathy Bates in misery.
That's who it is.
- Ooh, okay, I need a few more minutes.
- Take all the time you need.
I'll go stall him.
Help your sister get it together.
I'll keep Shrek on ice.
Hey, don't tell him I'm sick.
Don't worry.
I've been lying to cops since you were in shoplifted diapers.
- You want a condom? - No.
Okay.
What about lube? It's our first date.
You know what they say.
Better to have lube and not need it than need lube and not have it.
Ah, there we go.
Come on in.
She'll be right down.
Thanks, Mrs.
Flynn.
My friends call me Joyce.
Sit down.
Thanks, Joyce.
Nice sweater.
- Was it a gift? - No.
Really? You paid for that? Oh, just yanking your chain.
But seriously, it looks okay, right? It's not too garish? No, it's nice.
Brightens up the room.
So can I get you something to drink? Maybe a little eggnog to go with your sweater? Come on, pretty girl, wake up.
Oh, God, the codeine.
You want a diet pill? What? Why would? Why do I want a diet pill for? It keeps you awake so you can enjoy the codeine.
No.
I don't want a diet pill, Mom.
I don't wanna be a swan.
Moll? Molly? You'll thank me later.
Then she dated Brian.
He was sweet, but queer as a fish.
Um, I actually walked in on him one night wearing Molly's shoes and feeding sponge cake to the Sparkletts man.
You don't have to worry about that.
I don't have a thing for ladies' shoes and I would never share cake.
Any chance we could get an ETA on Molly? Let me go check.
Unh.
Now, she may be on the phone with one of her other suitors.
But don't worry, none of them have the fashion sense you do.
What is going on up here? I'm running out of small talk and this guy's a piece of wood.
We just need another minute.
Make him a snack.
Oh, great, I'll grab a bucket of peanuts.
Any minute.
Can I get you a little something to eat? Oh, no, thanks, I consumed a small jungle boy on the way over.
There she was just walking down the street Saying doo wa diddy diddy dum diddy She look good, look good Look fine, look fine She looks good, she looks fine Let's go.
Let's go, sweater boy, let's jump.
Lovely chatting with you.
Wow.
A Mitsubishi Galant.
- I'm guessing '78, '79? - Oh, '79.
I knew it.
I know my Galants.
- Do you know my dad drove a '79 Galant? - No, I didn't.
Why would you? He's dead, you never met him.
He had the five-door station wagon.
Cobalt blue.
He would Turtle Wax that every Saturday.
My sister and I would drink Cokes.
I got to hold the hose.
Ever hold the hose? - Aah.
- Are you feeling okay? Yeah, I'm just allergic to Kleenex.
Oh, God, this car brings back such good memories.
I remember when I was little Littlish.
- My dad would let me steer the car.
Now, I'm not asking you to do that.
Let's see how the date goes before I start handing out lap dances.
You don't talk much, do you? I pride myself on being a good listener.
That's important when you're trying to Whoa, whoa, whoa, you gonna let a girl get a word in edgewise? Yap, yap, yap.
Oh, oh.
Fireworks in 20 miles.
Oh, you think that's year-round or just on the Fourth of July, huh? I don't know.
Are you feeling okay? I don't know.
Why don't you feel me and find out? Ha-ha-ha.
I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding you again.
Oh, look at how red your big head gets.
Ah, that's what Mama likes.
Sorry, what were you saying? I was just, uh, asking if you enjoyed your snapper.
Sure.
Do you like your penis? Oh, I'm sorry.
That was inappropriate.
Ha, ha, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I've had some cold medicine and I'm feeling a little loopy.
Okay.
Should you be mixing alcohol with that? Oh, absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
So tell me, who is Mike Biggs? You know, what makes him tick? We know he's a cop, but when the badge comes off who's the man, you know, underneath? Well, uh, you know, maybe we should talk about this stuff when there's a chance that you might actually remember some of it.
No.
I wanna talk about it now.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, okay.
All right.
Okay.
I, uh, live alone.
- Mmm.
- Um - I like to spend time with my friends.
- Hold on just a sec.
Sorry, but this nose hair was driving me crazy.
- I hope you saved room for dessert.
- What the hell is that supposed to mean? Um, I didn't mean Uh, you're just assuming by looking at us two roly-polies that we're "dessert people"? - I don't think he - I got this, bright eyes.
- Okay.
- Okay, yes, it's true.
We both struggle with our weight, him more than me.
You know, we are actively involved in a 12-step anonymous program to deal with our problems.
- Do you have crème brûlée? - Yes.
One, please.
Two spoons.
I gotta pee like a racehorse.
Whoo! Gang way! What are you looking at? Get the crème brûlée.
Molly? You okay in there? Molly.
Chicago P.
D.
All right, ladies, I'm coming in.
Cover your delicates.
Molly? Oh, boy, this could go a lot of different ways.
You okay? Hey, scram, I'm trying to vote.
Okay, here we are.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be silly.
We all have off nights.
Thank you, you're very sweet.
Can I tell you a little secret? Sure you wanna do that? You've shared a lot tonight.
- Really? - Well, let's just say that your first period at sleepaway camp wasn't the worst of it.
Oh.
God, I didn't.
Hey, it was my fault, I was having a tomato soup and it got you to thinking.
No, look, I'm not normally like this.
It's just I have this terrible cold and I didn't wanna cancel on you because I liked you and I was afraid if I did cancel, you wouldn't call me back.
And now by not canceling, you are never gonna call me back again anyway.
Wait.
You like me? Of course I like you.
You're a great guy.
You carried me out of the toilet like I was a fairy-tale princess.
Yeah, that was a magical moment, wasn't it? Yeah.
Well just for the record I really like you too.
Good.
Hang on.
Look, uh, I know this is where I'm supposed to kiss you good night, but, uh It's okay.
I got it.
There's only so much a butter rum Life Saver can cover up.
So, uh, what do you say to a complete do-over? What if we just forget this entire evening ever happened? That would be great.
I'd really, really appreciate it.
- We have to pick a different restaurant.
- Sure.
- In fact, they actually insisted on it, but - Okay.
Okay, then.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Hey, Mike? - Yeah.
Thanks for being such a gentleman tonight.
Well, you're a lady.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
Okay.
If you're an intruder, I'm upstairs in the shower.
It's me, Ma.
So you gonna keep me in suspense? How'd that sweater work out for you? A lot of people made a lot of comments.
I told you.
Andre knows how to gift wrap a big man.
You were right.
- I bet she was all over you.
- She got a little on me, yeah.
My man.
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
When I picked her up, she was loaded on codeine and singing at the top of her lungs.
Mm-hmm.
So far, so good.
She then proceeded to drink an entire bottle of very expensive wine.
Uh-huh.
After which, she yanked a hair out of my nose started a fight with the waiter, and then passed out on the crapper.
Oh, that doesn't sound so good.
It wasn't, Carl.
It was a total disaster.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess you're never gonna see her again.
Are you kidding? I'm gonna marry that girl.