QI (2003) s01e02 Episode Script

(applause) Hello and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to QI, the BBC's answer to a question that no one has ever asked.
Tonight I'm delighted to be joined by the wittiest, cleverest, best-looking and best-informed audience in television.
And coming along also, we have a panel.
- In order, they are Alan Davies.
- (applause) Jeremy Hardy, Rich Hall, and Bill Bailey.
Now, each of them has a distinctive attack call.
- Rich goes - (chime) - Jeremy goes - (cannon shot) - Bill goes - (roar) - Alan goes - (squeaks) And I've already been before I came.
Now the rules.
Well, the rules are simple.
The questions are very unfair and so am I.
A correct answer gets fewer marks than an interesting one, and a boring answer is penalised more than a wrong one.
You'll pick it up as we go along.
(applause) Now, appropriately enough, our first round tonight is called "Animal Aggression".
And it's not only quite interesting, but also quite particularly not frightening.
Since 1580, when records began, the total number of attacks on humans by sharks has been logged at about 2, 200 only.
This is equivalent to just 5% of the number of Americans injured by toilets in the year 1996.
I'd like to apologise to my mother there for using the word "toilet".
She would prefer if I said "lavatories".
This latter statistic we know exactly, according to the official figures, it was in fact 43,687 Americans injured by lavatories.
What, so the lavatories didn't actually attack them? The statistics don't say.
They may have done.
Are lavatories aggressive in America? - No, no, they're not at all.
- When Lavatories Attack.
Channel Five.
This is actually a false statement, once again, making America look like a violent place, when in fact, these people fell on the toilets, hit their head, maybe they drowned in 'em, but the toilets themselves did not attack.
- They were passive? - Yes.
- I nearly injured myself the other day.
- (Stephen) 0h, yes? - I was standing - That's, if I may say, not quite interesting.
But I was standing at the urinal and it was so high, I had to stand on tiptoe and I nearly pulled a muscle in the hamstring area.
And it must have been a really, really lanky plumber who put it up.
- (Stephen) It must have been.
- You were in a giant's toilet.
- I stumbled into a giant's loo.
- (Jeremy) It might have been a fountain.
- It was outdoors.
I resent that implication.
"I baptise this Oi! Stop that!" "Disgusting!" Almost time to come to the first question, you might think, really.
If you heard the sound of fuffing, what would you expect to be imminently savaged by? (chime) I just want to say that it's 9pm.
(chime) Fuffing, uh Fuffing is a Yiddish word for They have fuffers in porn films, to get the actors erect, so you would expect a Chassidic Jew porn star to jump on you.
- No.
- (roar) (Stephen) Bill.
Fuffing.
Fuffing? Well, you're nearly there.
But fuffers are small creatures - Fuff, fuff, fuff.
that are used to fuff in porn films.
- Yeah.
- Instead of human fuffers - Shoot up the trouser leg and arouse you.
they have tiny marsupials that just titillate the genitals.
For the Animal Planet channel.
- When Animals Mate.
- (Stephen) The adult Discovery Channel.
Yeah, the adult Discovery Channel.
They have to get the animals worked up.
Is the animal going, "fuff, fuff, fuff"? Or is it the noise of it dragging itself along the ground? It's onomatopoeic in as much as it is descriptive of the noise the animal makes when attacking you.
- A lion with a harelip.
- A snake.
(Stephen) Not a snake.
Actually, the answer is it's either a tiger or a weasel.
Tigers never roar before attacking, no matter what the movies may say.
Unlike lions, tigers are totally solitary animals who come together only when mating.
Tigers only roar to tell other tigers where they are.
- To where the Frosties are.
- Exactly.
If you're having Frosties and you hear, "fuff, fuff", you're eating Tony's Frosties.
- F-F-F-Frosties.
- F-F-Frosties.
Indeed.
So you're saying it could be a tiger or a weasel? - Weasels also fuff, yes.
- Weasels are part of the tiger family.
Many people think the weasel is akin to the stoat or the polecat, but it's actually a huge prairie cat.
They are stoatally different, you mean? No, I'm sorry.
That's unacceptable.
Absolutely unacceptable.
I'm sorry.
- The weasel some kind of bonsai tiger, no? - I don't think you're right there, Jeremy.
They're adopted and one day the tigers have to break it to the weasel when he's 16.
"We're not your real mum and dad.
" "Wah! No wonder I'm so mad.
Fuff, fuff, fuff!" "Don't you fuff, fuff like that.
You're only a weasel.
" You couldn't get a tiger up your trousers, even if you were a Northerner.
If you had really big trousers.
Or a tiny little tiger.
But the national symbol of Croatia is the weasel.
- Is that correct? If you promise that's true - (Alan) You've given me a headache now.
I might give you five points.
- It's true.
Croatia has a weasel as its? That's terribly sweet.
All the other ones had gone.
"Lion's gone.
What have we got left? We have to have weasel.
" (Stephen) Excellent.
I like that.
Good.
Would you consider undressing for the benefit of a hungry polar bear? - (chime) - (Stephen) Again, Rich.
It's now 9:15.
Yes, you would undress for a polar bear because polar bears don't like the taste of human flesh.
But they would steal your clothes to get into a restaurant.
- You're oddly close to the truth there.
- (hums "The Stripper") They are easily distracted - and offering articles - Why don't you just say, "Look at that"? No, you see, Alan, this is a common mistake.
Only humans follow the line of the finger.
Animals look at the finger.
If you point at something, the dog won't go, "What's he looking at?" He'll look at your finger.
What happens is you back away slowly, offering clothes and it stops, apparently, - at each piece of clothing - (Alan) So once you take your pants off It wants to sniff your scanties, essentially, and will do so.
- (Bill) And then you die of exposure.
- Unfortunately, it is true.
In precisely the place where you're most likely to meet a polar bear, it is the least warm.
I know something quite interesting about polar bears.
They don't have white fur.
- Well, you better look behind you, pal.
- (Stephen) What's that? - I was ready for you.
- Come on.
They have clear little follicles, but cos they reflect the snow, they come across as white.
But he's on a rock and he's white.
What's happening there? Just near him is something really white.
There'll be a white van with all the food in for the - That is not a polar bear behind you.
- (Stephen) Is it not? It's a weasel.
They are beautiful animals, aren't they? You must admit they are.
Well, I'd certainly tell one he was beautiful if he came near me.
The point we're making about polar bears is these animals can run at 30 miles an hour and what you certainly shouldn't do is try and run away from them - Unless you're with a friend.
or attack them or stand still.
Like a gorilla - it's quite a good idea to stand absolutely still.
That's why you should always be with a friend if you encounter a polar bear, because you can't outrun the polar bear, you don't need to, you just need to outrun your friend.
Ah, very good.
Very good.
Cynical, but excellent.
Now moving on to our third question in this "Animal Aggression" category, which of these would you choose to defend yourself against an alligator with? A, a paper clip.
B, crocodile clip.
C, paper bag.
D, handbag.
E, rubber band.
I'm expert on alligators because I grew up in the swamps of New Orleans.
When it says to defend yourself against an alligator, that's the trick part of the question.
This means if the alligator is litigious, and is trying to sue you, let's say because you're wearing his mom on your feet.
There's a lot of paperwork involved in defending yourself in court against an alligator.
- You'll need a paper clip for that.
- Is that where the word "allegation" is from? - (Stephen) Very good.
- However You might need a paper bag if the alligator Alligators will taunt you before they attack you.
And will, like a boxer, they will often hold a press conference.
And they will say, "You can't fight your way out of a paper bag, buddy.
" And then you'll have to prove that you could fight your way out of a paper bag - before you can fight the alligator.
- Ingenious.
Ingenious and so wrong.
- Any thoughts on the right answer? - Inflate the paper bag, bang, like a gun.
And the alligator loses all confidence.
Possible.
It's possible.
It starts to back away like that and then you get the handbag and ram it over its snout like that.
And then put the clips on its nipples, really You almost flirted with the answer there, Bill, when you talked about putting the handbag over its jaws.
But he also said that alligators have nipples.
That's a very good point.
We do have to pull you up on your nipples, there.
- Alligators are not mammals.
- Have you never milked an alligator? No.
No one has, and if you think you have, I'm afraid you really do have a problem.
If you had a really big crocodile clip, you could clamp its jaw shut.
Well, ah, now, you see, this is the interesting thing.
I will tell you the answer because alligators and crocodiles, despite their fearsomeness, will be rendered pretty much hopeless if you pop a rubber band round them, because the muscles that close the jaws of a crocodile and an alligator amount to several tons per square inch, but the muscles that open them are so weak that they can be rendered silly just by the presence of a small, stout elastic band around them.
So all you would have to do is pop the elastic band before it managed to open its mouth.
All you would have to do? Why is it all aquatic vicious beasts can be subdued by something really simple? Like sharks as well, you just punch them stoutly on the nose, don't you? I suppose it's because in their natural habitats, things like the ability to punch stoutly on the nose don't exist.
There is no stout-punching fish that roams the oceans.
And there is no rubber-band bird in the Everglades.
I think we have to move on from there, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't forget that we human beings are also animals and among the beastlier and most aggressive of all.
As evidenced by this cutting from the Daily Telegraph.
"Police rushed to rescue a horse in Dorking, Surrey, after a passing motorist saw it tied to a post so short that the horse couldn't reach down to chew the grass.
" "They found that the poor animal had only one ear and was missing a back leg.
" It was also made of wood and an advertisement for a local riding school.
(applause) Now, according to Douglas Adams' book, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, there is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Let's see what you feel about that after this round of questions on astronomy.
- How many moons does the Earth have? - (clucking) The Earth has one moon which is made of cheese.
- Oh! - (alarm bells) - I'm afraid you lose ten.
- But it does have one moon.
- No.
- It's called "the moon".
- (Stephen) One of them.
That's it.
- I rest my case for the defence.
(applause) I can understand, Alan, that you would feel hard done by, but the answer is that there are two moons.
One is the one we know called "the moon".
The other is called Cruithne.
It's three miles across and orbits the world every 770 years.
Oh, you're just making this up.
- Cruithne? - Cruithne.
Yeah.
Who comes up with this shit? - You're telling me there's a second moon? - I am.
"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone.
" Not "with a small friend".
Why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky" or "Cruithne River"? - No one can see it - Cos it was discovered in 199 (bleep) 4! That is nine years! Nine years to write a romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it.
In the last nine years, no romantic songs, as far as I know, have been written at all.
- Um - Bryan Adams wrote one.
- Please! - "Everything I do, I do it for Cruithne"? It's a challenge to all of you songwriters out there, if you want to write songs rhyming the moon with June, find a rhyme for "Cruithne".
Come with me.
Fly me to Cruithne, let me sing amongst the stars.
- Will you miss me? - Don't go to Dithneyland, go to Cruithneland.
- Don't diss me on Cruithne.
- Oh, no, no.
- Not white middle-class people doing rap.
- Yeah! Rapping! No, not doing that.
No, please.
No.
- OK.
No, no.
- Cruithne.
It's so embarrassing.
Right.
Ah, we have late breaking news, as a matter of fact.
Cruithne is pronounced "Crueenya" and it's actually Celtic, and its orbit was discovered in 1997.
There you are.
People have been busy on our behalf on the internet and elsewhere, calling up important astronomers royal.
Now, our next question, where is 90% of the universe? - (cannon shot) - Jeremy? - IKEA.
- (laughter and applause) Very good.
I'll give you five for that.
IKEA doesn't have any windows.
They don't sell windows, even.
They deliberately have no windows in IKEA so you can't see out, - so you have no sense of time passing.
- (Bill) Horrible.
So you don't know what time you went in, so you can be in there for weeks.
- Is that literally true? - Yeah.
And actually, if you don't have access, your body doesn't have access to the natural passing of light You buy spoons.
I was told, is this correct, that all their products are named? I mean, not like "chair", but they're called Neville.
You'd like it, because they're all strange foreign names like Lublik and Noonbar.
What is there about me that makes you think I would like that? - (Bill) Your love of the exotic.
- You love words.
You like funny, odd words.
- I do.
- Like Cruithne.
- Where is 90% of the universe, I asked you? - Outside.
Outside this building.
(chime) The universe is saddle-shaped, it's on a horse.
And the other 10% is attachments.
- Like nosebags and things.
- Yeah.
There's some truth in that.
Stephen Hawking seems to think that it is saddle-shaped.
He seems to think that it could be, like, at two points.
- You don't really know what he's saying.
- You all thought Rich Hall was very weird, but in fact, he was making a very serious point.
- Mind you, he is weird.
- Don't tell them I'm (bleep) weird! - What's wrong with you? - I'm telling them I'm doing my best to swim along with this programme that gives no (bleep) cars when you get points - and now you tell them I'm weird! - I'm telling them you're not weird.
I'm not the one who's telling people there's a second moon.
It depends what you mean because I would think that most of the universe doesn't there isn't anything and it's just a vacuum.
But there are bits of universe, like stars and collections of matter and gas.
- The gaps in between are bigger, you mean? - The gaps in between, 90%, there's nothing.
The gaps between do count as the universe, however, but you're sort of on the right lines, because the answer is that 90% of the universe well, nobody knows where it is.
Most astronomers agree that at least 90% of the universe - is made of so-called "dark matter".
- (Bill) Yes.
And this stuff is invisible, and no one knows where it is.
Sir Martin Rees, the Astronomer Royal, has been quoted as saying: "It's embarrassing that 90% of the universe is unaccounted for.
" We're all basing this on what Stephen Hawking says, and the fact is, he's subject to interference from minicabs.
I want to rescue this programme from accusations of sickness and move on to another question.
- What colour is the universe? - (cannon shot) Magnolia.
Everything's magnolia these days.
It's very spacious, you see, so you want a light colour, but you don't it would be overpowering if it was white.
You might do a dark ceiling, just to bring it in a bit.
- (Stephen) I was going to say.
- It's deceptive, the universe, because from the outside, if you're God, it looks quite small.
But when you're in there, it's really quite spacious with plenty of storage.
You're very, very, very close, I have to say.
It's not quite magnolia.
- Beige.
- Absolutely right, ten points.
It is in fact beige, the universe.
Brilliant.
- What? - Not to the naked eye, though? Not to the naked eye, I quite agree, but it is official.
Last year, after analysing the light from 200,000 galaxies, American scientists announced that the universe was pale green, not black with silvery bits, as it appears to us.
Taking the Dulux paint range as a standard, it is somewhere between Mexican Mint, Jade Cluster and Shangri-la Silk.
However, to the embarrassment of the American astrophysical community, a few weeks after announcing their discovery to the American Astronomical Society, they had to admit that they had actually made a mistake in their calculations and the universe was, in fact, more a sort of taupe or beige colour.
I thought it was Gay Whisper with a touch of Amber Glow, which are my favourite This is, my pancake colour, is called Gay Whisper.
Did you know that? It actually is, literally true.
Gay Whisper.
Is gay whispers like Chinese whispers? Only more fun.
Well, now we have another question here and this is for a bonus of ten.
Fingers on the buzzers, please.
How many planets are there in the solar system? (clucking) Nine.
- (alarm bells) - Oh, sorry, once again.
Nine, not the right answer.
That's another forfeit of ten, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid the answer is actually eight.
- I'm going to write them down, you carry on.
- Yeah, all right, OK.
- Mars.
- Yes, Mars is one.
- Pluto.
- No.
- (Rich) Here we go again.
- Pluto is a planet.
(Jeremy) Goofy.
It was discovered in the 1930s, it was the most recent planet to be discovered.
By Clyde Tombaugh in 1930.
Exactly, yes.
But it's a collection of gasses, it's not actually It's not a planet, no.
By no criterion by which planets are judged - could Pluto be said to be a planet.
- It's really big and it goes round the sun.
- (Bill) So does Michael Winner.
- Yes, it's not really big at all, it's tiny.
Well, that's why it took so long to find.
Don't be hard on it for being small.
There are many others the same size that are going round the sun - which are not classified as planets.
- I watched an entire BBC series - Called The Planets.
called The Planets.
Banged on and on about there being nine.
There was a great movement afoot to discover the ninth planet.
Hubble, the astronomer, had predicted there would be a ninth planet.
Clyde Tombaugh in 1930 discovered Pluto and claimed that it was a planet.
But almost everybody now is agreed that it isn't.
- What is it, then? - It's a tiny ball of ice.
The sort of earthy, solid planets, like Mars and Venus - and Mercury - Yeah, but they're not solid, because Uranus - is known as one of the gas giants.
- That's what I was starting to say.
There are the four earth ones and there are the four gas ones.
- (Jeremy) Come out with it and say Uranus.
- But Pluto is neither.
On the other hand, if Pluto can be said to be a planet, then so can the asteroids, already technically known as minor planets.
In the year 2000, 71,788 of these, with more being discovered every year, Pluto is only twice as big as the largest of these, which is Ceres, and is not only much tinier than all the other planets, but is smaller than several of their moons as well.
(chime) Is there a rest stop between you and the end of this taping? We are going to close this round on astronomy with a story about William James, the American psychologist and philosopher, brother, of course, of the novelist Henry James.
He'd just finished giving a lecture on the solar system when he was approached by an elderly lady.
"Mr James," she said, "we don't live on a ball rotating around the sun, we live on a crust of earth on the back of a giant turtle.
" James was a kindly man.
"If your theory is correct, madam," he asked, patiently, "what does this turtle stand on?" "The first turtle stands on the back of a second, larger turtle", she snorted derisively.
"But what does this second turtle stand on?" Pressed the philosopher.
"It's no use, Mr James," crowed the old lady, triumphantly, "it's turtles all the way down.
" See, this is why America has a space programme.
And Brits think that we're all standing on the backs of turtles, with these weird moons going around that no one's ever heard of.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Rich, but William James was American - and the woman he was talking to was.
- Yes, he was.
And then his brother Jesse shot her.
(applause) Well, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the last round, in time-honoured fashion.
It's not QI - Quite Interesting, but GI - General Ignorance.
And fingers on the buzzers, please, for this one.
What is the name of the capital city of Thailand? - (clucking) - Yes, Alan? - Bangkok.
- Oh, Alan! (alarm bells) No, I will tell you the answer.
The answer is in fact Krung Thep, meaning "City of Angels", same as Los Angeles.
An abbreviation for the official name, which is the longest place name in the world.
Only ignorant foreigners, apparently, call it Bangkok, which hasn't been used in Thailand for more than 200 years as a name for that city.
Pluto and Bangkok don't exist all of a sudden.
I'm scared to go out.
To the nearest thousand, how many brides walked down the aisle in Britain last year? - (cannon shot) - Yes, Jeremy? Is that a clue, cos there's ten? - (Stephen) No, it's not.
- (chime) Mr Cheerful? When you say turtle after turtle after turtle, what is the last turtle standing on? That's kind of the point of the anecdote.
That was what William James said, and the woman said, "It's no use, Mr James, it's turtles all the way down.
" She believed it was a universe of infinite turtles.
It is a sort of trick question, in as much as what is the aisle of a church? - (Jeremy) It's the middle bit.
- It's the bit down the middle, the path.
- No, you see, that's the odd thing.
It isn't.
- (Alan) From the door to altar.
It is the sides.
The long part is simply called the central passage way.
- So nobody walks up the aisle? - No.
"I will take her down the central passageway.
" Not "I will take her down the aisle".
I was taken up the apse, which is the area in between each side.
No, the apse is the back, behind the altar is the apse.
- It's the only rounded, apsidal.
- Well at the time, you know, it seemed like the apse.
Excellent.
Good, good, good, good, good, good.
Now, what flavour is the oldest known soup? (cannon shot) - Jeremy, first on the buzzer again.
- Cream of plesiosaur.
- (Stephen) What a lovely thought.
- (Bill) Stone.
(Stephen) Stone soup? No.
That's why we are superior to all of the animal kingdom.
- The only animal that eats soup.
- We're the only animal that can make soup, because a lion will kill a gazelle, it eats it all, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
The gazelle all gone.
"0h, dear, better get some more gazelles.
" But if it was us, we would kill the gazelle, then get the bones and make some soup there, keep it going for days, weeks perhaps.
If lions could make soup, then our days would be numbered.
Anyway, no, the answer is actually just plain it's hippopotamus.
Hippopotamus soup.
Yes.
Hippopotamus soup is the oldest recorded soup in human history.
Well, now, what man-made artefacts can be seen from the moon with the naked eye? - (clucking) - Yes? - Someone said it in the audience.
- What was it? - The Great Wall of China.
- You've done it again! - (alarm bells) - I can't believe it! Surely? (chime) Which moon are we talking about? It was so damn good, you've got to have ten for that.
The fact is nothing man-made can be seen on Earth from the moon.
- (Alan) Too far away.
- It's much, much too far away.
Even the continents are quite difficult to make out, as a matter of fact.
I think, gentlemen of our esteemed panel, that it is time for our final scores.
And here they are.
In first equal position, it's Jeremy and Rich, with 20 each.
In third place, therefore, it is Bill with five points.
But sadly, trailing a little this week, with minus 30 points, it's Alan.
(applause) Well, thank you very much.
It only remains for me to thank Bill, Alan, Rich and Jeremy for sharing their pain with us, and for me to say something quite interesting to finish with.
And it's the tragic telling, but mercifully brief excerpt from a court report in the Guardian "The marriage suffered a setback in 1985, when the husband was killed by the wife.
" Good night.