Roseanne s01e02 Episode Script

all right, who stole the batteries out of my flashlight? it wasn't me.
why don't you ask darlene? darlene? carry the six.
she put the batteries in her radio.
i did not! you toilet breath! darlene, get in here.
- you gonna hit her? - nobody's gonna hit nobody.
- i'd hit her.
- pipe down, bub.
look me in the eye, darlene.
you did it, didn't you? well, you only caught me 'cause becky ratted.
i caught you 'cause you were lying.
- she lies all the time.
- that's enough.
darlene: yeah, right.
why did you lie, darlene? well, i thought i could get away with it.
well, you're never gonna get away with it, darlene, 'cause i am the all-knowing, all-seeing mother.
one lie leads to another, darlene.
before you know it, you're lying all the time.
you're lying to cover up your lies.
you start cheating and stealing, and pretty soon nobody likes you.
you'll be living all alone in some alley, fighting stray dogs for cold french fries.
carry the six.
- becky: i'll get it! - hello? darlene's in big trouble, isn't she? - you'd love that, wouldn't you? - absolutely.
it's for you, mother.
- who is it? - it's mrs.
mackelroy.
oh, god.
tell her i ain't home.
oh, you want me to lie.
yeah.
mrs.
mackelroy, my mom says to tell you she's not home.
i oughta bust your neck.
just once, once i'd like to use the batteries i buy.
dan, i am a woman on the edge.
don't even start about the batteries, 'cause after the batteries comes the radio, and then after the radio goes the stereo speakers, and i ain't in the mood.
so don't even start with me about the batteries.
yeah, yeah, yeah.
should've bought that battery charger like i wanted to.
it'd be out in the garage collecting dust with all the other junk you got out there.
hey, i dust every one of those.
if i get that job tomorrow, i can buy myself one.
- what job? - over at spikeman construction.
putting in a bid on a drywall job.
great money if i get it.
you're not gonna get it.
be a lot of guys bidding.
and they're all better than you, i bet.
hey, i'm pretty good.
- you are not.
- yes, i am.
- you're not either.
- i am the best.
- you're the worst.
- i am the drywall master of the universe! ahh! hey, d.
j.
, you stand on the end of the board.
i'll jump on it and shoot you in the air, okay? okay.
- ready? - ready.
freeze right there! what'd i tell you about killing your brother in the living room? well, we're just playing.
well, i'm not playing.
you pick all these pillows and junk up.
- go clean up your room.
- it's clean.
then go clean my room.
pork rinds! you got the job! drywall master of the universe! whoo! whoo! i figure this calls for some hard-core festivities.
- i'd say so.
- hey, dad.
hey, sugarplum.
rosie, you should've seen it.
old man spikeman calls me into his office, sits me down to tell me that i've got the job.
and why? because he wants the job done right.
and when you want the job done right, you go to the best.
you go to dan dan the drywall man.
the man behind the woman.
and look what that man brought his woman.
- an advance.
- give me that! - dad, how much is that? - five hundred smackaroonies.
five hundred dollars? you deserve a kiss.
becky, kiss your dad.
- we're rich! - what's wrong? we're rich! look! - can i get some high-tops? - can i get a puppy? - can i get some designer jeans? - you don't need designer jeans.
you just want to show off your hiney to all the boys.
at least i have a hiney.
well, the first thing, your mother and me have to make a few fiduciary decisions.
- you gonna let us get anything? - maybe.
on a scale of ten maybes, how many? five, maybe six.
six! it's more than half.
it's almost a yes.
- yay! - yeah! whoa, whoa! hold on now.
now listen.
your mother and i have to pay a few bills first.
well, if there is any money left over - oh, i shouldn't tell 'em.
- what? what is it? - oh, come on.
what? well, if there is any left over, we're gonna build you a great big swimming pool! all: yay! - with a 50-foot slide! - all: yes! all right! - and a pet shark! - yeah! - honey.
- what? if you had an extra 50 bucks, what would you blow it on? buy new kids.
- i know what you'd buy.
- no, you don't.
- yes, i do.
- you do not.
roseanne, i know you better than you do.
dan, you may share my bed, but you do not know me.
be that as it may, i know what you would buy.
- hm-mmm.
- yes, i do.
- no, you do not.
- you'd buy some of that perfume you like.
what's it called? subscription? submission.
- same thing.
- is not.
you know you wanna buy it, admit it.
- you know you want it, admit it.
- no.
- you do too.
- i do not.
you'd put a little dab here, and a little dab here, and a little dab here, and a little dab here.
get away.
you're making me puke.
- know what i'd buy? - who cares? - come on, guess.
- no, i'm not guessing.
it wouldn't, by any chance, be a battery charger, would it? - come on, guess.
- no, i don't want to guess.
all right, i'll tell you anyway.
brass captain's bell.
i saw a real beauty down at fulton avenue boat store.
well, don't you have to have a boat to put it on? what do you think i'm making out in the garage? a hideous mess.
you know, if we're real careful with this $500 yeah? we can just about pay everything up, and that'll leave us with $11.
87.
- you're kidding.
- read it and weep.
11.
87.
well, at least i can go out to dinner.
damn, i was hoping we'd have a little extra money to play around with.
well, do you want extra money? 'cause you know, i have my own system for extra money.
all right.
okay first we send in the phone bill and we forget to sign the check.
there you go! then we send the water bill to the electric company, and the electric bill to the water company.
- now you're cooking.
- and you know that charge card bill? it never even showed up.
that's illegal.
well, we could call them up and tell them that the card got ripped off.
roseanne, we gotta get back to reality here.
these bills aren't gonna go away.
- we gotta be responsible.
- why? because for once, we finally get a chance to get caught up.
well, you never cared about catching up before, mr.
1-800-rush-me-my- amazing-new-handy-wrench.
for 19.
95, that was a great investment.
yeah, that's why it's out in the garage underneath that electric fish-scaler.
hey, pal, you've blown your share of the family fortune.
on what? well, that's irrelevant.
i just think we should handle this money like adults.
fine, we'll be adults.
- but i don't want to.
- you will act like an adult.
- you can't make me.
- roseanne.
roseanne, you will act responsible! all right, i'll act responsible.
- no perfume.
- right.
no captain's bell.
hey, dan do you think sometime soon you'll ever be standing out in the driveway in front of the truck when the brakes don't work? well, if you ask me, you oughta buy the perfume.
well, i didn't ask you, so just drop it.
- you know what your problem is? - besides you? your problem is that you and dan don't know how to manage your money, and that's why you're always broke.
we're always broke 'cause we live with three little moochers that are suckin' us dry.
crystal, did they get that damn machine fixed yet? - no, they're still working on it.
- good.
you gotta learn to treat yourself once in a while, roseanne.
buy yourself something.
take a vacation.
spoken like a true single woman.
it's a shame you and dan can't take a little bit of that money and go down to that theme motel in aurora.
crystal, please.
have you seen their ads on tv? it's so romantic.
every room is a different theme.
they have a roaring '20s room, a wild west room, a roman empire room.
yeah, i can see dan gettin' in his chariot, goin' out and buy a six-pack.
oh, get out.
you know what i mean.
come on, let's go see what they're doing in there.
how much longer? man: five more minutes.
- here.
- what's this? you remember that 25 bucks i borrowed? that's ten back.
- keep it.
- i don't need it.
- take it.
- i don't want it.
put a down payment on that perfume.
would you stop with the perfume? i told you, me and dan decided we're not gonna spend the money on nothing frivolous.
oh, right.
and you do everything your husband tells you to do.
- don't start.
- you do, roseanne.
you're just like mom.
i am nothing like that woman.
but you are exactly like her.
whatever hubby says, goes.
well, if i really wanted that perfume, i would go get it.
right, mom.
well, i'll tell you something you don't know about mom.
- what? - she used to pay your friends to play with you.
shut up! ah.
can i help you? oh, no, thank you.
i was just looking.
any particular fragrance? well, i was kind of interested in that one, "submission.
" we carry the complete "submission" line.
were you interested in the body lotion, the eau de toilet, the dusting powder, the after-bath splash? well, i just kind of wanted to buy the regular perfume.
oh, yes, of course, but perfume is really the final step in fragrance layering.
well, i wasn't that into getting layered, i just wanted to get the perfume.
all righty.
- will this be cash or charge? - charge.
never mind, i'm not getting it.
i'm sorry.
i'm changing my- i'm sorry.
oh why don't you just try some on? i know what it smells like.
it really is a fabulous fragrance - alluring, sensual.
men love it.
are you married? no.
well, i bet you have a boyfriend.
well, i am kind of shacking up with this one guy.
trust me, a few drops of this will really excite him.
well, that's what i live for, to excite that man.
don't we all? what's your boyfriend's name? - lance.
- sexy.
- he's a race car driver.
- oh.
a man who likes danger.
well, i just know a little of this will really turn him on.
let's face it, deep down we women all want the same thing, so why not use a little help when we can get it? well, you do have a pretty good point there.
you know what the fastest way to a man's heart is? yeah, through his chest.
- freeze! - don't even think about it.
you better run.
you better run! hey, dad! darlene, you shouldn't do that.
you'll scare the animals.
oh, sorry.
- hey, what's that? - it's a rag.
no, that.
- nothing.
- well, it's a bell.
right, it's a bell.
now scamper along.
- well, can i ring it? - no.
- why not? - because it's a surprise.
- for who? - it doesn't matter for who.
now run along into the house.
- for mom? - yeah, sort of.
- but what if she finds out? - she's not gonna find out.
but what if she does? i mean, what if she asks me about it? i'd have to tell her the truth, wouldn't i? darlene, she's not going to ask you about it.
there's your mother now.
now remember.
no, i won't say anything unless she asks me.
darlene, you are my favorite.
- dan: you home, roseanne? - yes.
- hi, darling.
- hi.
i got you some corn.
oh, cool! let me help you put some of this stuff away.
how was your day, sugar? just fine, snookums.
what are you so cheery about? i just ordered 400 pieces of sheetrock for that spikeman job, biggest order i ever made.
- pretty neat, huh? - yeah, cool.
- how was your day? - oh, the usual.
all the machines broke down- - what are you doing? - putting the dish soap away.
- it don't go there now.
- sure it does.
no, it doesn't go there anymore now.
we've always kept it there.
yeah, but remember when i started to, you know, reorganize and fix things up and everything.
- oh, really? - yeah, really.
where do you want it? - it goes in the laundry room now.
- okey-dokey.
ah-ha! - what is that? - nothing.
yes, it is.
okay, i bought that perfume.
kill me.
you bought the perfume.
yes, sherlock, i bought the perfume.
- what about last night? - what about it? our little discussion.
didn't that mean anything to you? well, i started talking to jackie.
oh, jackie.
well, what about our talk? about no perfume, no bell.
were those just empty words blowing in the wind? i shouldn't have bought it.
well, you did buy it, and that's the undeniable fact.
- well, i'm taking it back.
- now, just hold on a minute.
i'm taking it back.
roseanne, taking it back is not gonna make either of us feel any better.
well, i'm not keeping it.
i mean, every time i put it on i just feel guilty.
look would it help if i went out right now and bought that stupid bell? 'cause i'd be willing to do that for you.
you already bought that bell, didn't you? roseanne! - you did! - i didn't.
- you liar.
- did not.
- you bought that bell.
- i did not.
look me in the eye and tell me you didn't buy that bell.
i didn't buy that bell.
ask not for whom the bell tolls.
it tolls for thee, butt head.
ooh, that feels great.
you could do this for a living.
that's what old man spikeman said.
oh, you're sick! so, how do they look? snug.
i gotta wash 'em again before i wear 'em to school so they'll be even tighter.
how popular do you want to be? thanks, mom.
okay, my turn.
- for what? - i did you, now you gotta do me.
says who? - that's the deal, roseanne.
- what deal? i thought you were doing it out of pure love.
no way! i bear you three beautiful children, i labor to make a warm and loving home and i've dedicated my whole life to you, and all i get is a lousy five-minute foot massage? all right, three more minutes.
deal.