Rules of Engagement s01e02 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey, Jeff.
I just want to return this, we borrowed it from your lovely fiancée.
The Notebook.
Yeah, The Notebook.
Audrey made me watch it.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna get a beer and pour it in my eyes.
Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Jennifer.
Just returning your movie.
Didn't it make you wanna cry? Constantly.
Tell Audrey we're saving the day for your birthday party.
Great.
Should be fun.
That party's gonna suck.
Why? I have to pay for it, plus I have to spend the whole night worrying about people spilling things, stealing my stuff.
Your friends sound really cool.
Tell Audrey you don't want a party.
No, see, she loves throwing parties, it makes her happy.
And if she's happy That's good for my birthday deal.
Your birthday deal.
One year I complained too much, she got mad.
Not good for the birthday deal.
Come on.
You can't keep talking about the birthday deal without telling me what it is.
What does Audrey do for you every year? I wish I could tell you.
Can't.
If Audrey found out I told someone, the deal would be off.
I won't tell her.
We're not only neighbors, that's the kind of guy stuff we should be talking about.
Instead of worrying about my deal, why don't you get one of your own? Well, because I don't need one.
With Jennifer, every day is my birthday.
Yeah, every day used to be my birthday too.
Could I have been as stupid as you? Look, if I needed a birthday deal, I could get one.
Don't try to run with the big boy.
I've been married for 12 years, you basically threw a ring at a stranger.
She's not a stranger.
We've been together for 7 months.
Plus I didn't even give her a ring yet.
- Why not? - I don't know what she likes, we've only known each other for 7 months! You clearly know what you're doing.
Not only could I get a deal, I could get one that's better than yours.
What's yours? Nice try.
I'm getting a deal.
And every year, when I'm doing it, I'm gonna think of you.
I didn't say that.
I didn't hear it.
Episode 2 : The Birthday Deal Version 1.
0 A birthday deal? Yeah, Jeff's got one with Audrey.
Yeah, I like it.
It's like a dirty prenup.
First I'm just gonna float the idea and I'll see if she's receptive.
Good, now we gotta figure out what to ask for.
- We? - Yes, I'm in, you're welcome.
Now, people's sex lives don't seem to get wilder when they get married.
My sex life with Jennifer is fine.
Just ask our neighbors.
You bring them over to watch? No, they just heard.
Through pre-war concrete walls, man, I'm talking 4 solid inches.
All right, we all agree your fiancée is a horn dog.
Which is why I think we should ask for the Manitoba Snow Cone.
Stop saying we.
And I'm not asking for anything off of your list of humorously named sex acts.
Why not? It took me ten years to fill this thing out.
Ten beautiful years.
See if she's up for the Peppermint Bobsled.
No, I can't do that.
I love this person.
This would ruin Christmas for ever.
It doesn't have to be a candy cane.
It would help if we knew what Jeff's deal was.
What does that giant gorilla get? I asked him, but he wouldn't tell me.
What's that? He wouldn't tell me.
I'm sorry, I thought we were living in America.
Has Jeff heard of something called the freedom of information? You know, he told me that if Audrey finds out that he told anyone, the deal would be off.
Fine.
I'll find out without anybody knowing.
Far be it from me to jeopardize whatever he does to his wife annually.
Russell You don't know if that's what it is.
Annually.
Audrey, I forgot to tell you.
Russell overheard me talking about Jeff's party and I didn't know if you were planning on inviting him.
Yeah, he's coming.
Not my idea.
So what are you planning for the party? The usual Jeff fest.
Beer, shots, chips, hot wings.
Stadium rock in the stereo.
Basically, the home version of Hooters.
Not the party I'd throw, but whatever.
Why don't you throw the party you want to? It's Jeff's birthday, you know.
He doesn't even care what kind of party it is He doesn't care what kind of party it is! Why don't I throw the kind of party I want to? Exactly, it doesn't have to be Jeff fest.
Why not Audrey Gras? 'Cause that means "Fat Audrey.
" You know what I just realized? My birthday's coming up.
You know, in the 7 months we've been together, we haven't had a birthday yet.
Two big fun days I'm looking forward to.
I'm glad you feel that way.
What do you think about doing something really special for me? Sure.
What do you have in mind? Well, something in the bedroom department.
Something I'd get annually.
Once a year.
Why? Is there something you wanna do that we're not doing? No, I have no complains.
I mean, that one time you bit my shoulder and you drew blood.
But, hey! That's just the cost of doing business.
I'd just thought it'd be fun to have a special birthday deal.
That does sound fun.
I want mine.
- You do? - Yeah.
That's great! That's-- I love you! And let's say nothing's off limits.
Definitely, let's say that.
I'm gonna think about mine while I'm showering.
I'm gonna think about you showering while I'm thinking about mine.
Two birthday deals.
Suck on that, Jeff.
If you're serious about buying, I'll get up, but It's not very comfortable.
Where are the girls? They're shopping for Mojito glasses.
They're doing a whole Cuban theme for my party.
Doesn't sound like your style.
What do I care? As long as Audrey's in a great mood at the end of the party.
Which brings me to my news.
I'm now the proud owner of not one, but two birthday deals.
Two? No way.
That's right.
What's the matter? Is my two a little hard for you to swallow? Anyway I'm getting one *.
Jennifer wants one too, and get this: Nothing is off limits.
You're playing with fire.
How so? I didn't get a birthday deal until I've been married for six years and our relation was stable.
You've known Jennifer for what, You really think you're ready to hear Jennifer's wildest craziest fantasy? The crazier, the better! Really? Aren't you worried she'll want something so disturbing you won't be able to look at her when you're having brunch with your parents? Come on-- How weird could it be? Well, apparently, nothing's off limits.
By the way, whose idea was that? Hers.
Like I said, you're swimming with sharks.
- You said I was playing with fire.
- You are.
And the sharks don't like it.
You're right.
I mean, if Jennifer asks me something really disturbing for her birthday deal, I don't know how I'll handle it.
My guess is not well.
Maybe I'm worried about nothing.
What is the worst she can ask for? Props, you in a cheerleader outfit, a third party involved, not necessarily a lady.
Look.
It's not that I'm scared.
If it's just something kinky or different, I've done plenty of that.
But what's bothering me is that-- You know Jennifer's gonna be my wife.
The mother of my children.
We're gonna grow old together.
What kind of kinky stuff? - Hi, honey.
- Hey, sweetie.
Come with me for a second.
I wanna show you this French press I wanna buy.
French press, what's that? What are we gonna do with that? What's that? Oh, it's stuff for your party.
Both carts? Yeah, we got this really cool pitcher for the Mojitos.
and some funky little glasses, and glass swizzle sticks, and these little bowls with * Why do we need all this stuff? And what's it cost to me? I don't care.
For once, I'd like to throw a party that doesn't end with you in prison behind a wall of empty beer cans.
Alcatraz This year, we're doing it my way.
Come on! It's bad enough we have to have all those people over, but now-- Please.
You see how excited I am about doing this? Please, don't ruin it for me.
Ruin it I'm not ruining anything.
You stay excited because I'm totally on board.
I mean, I love these things.
Is that per bowl? Hey, dear.
I think everyone's really liking the Cuban theme.
We should throw parties more often.
Perhaps we should.
Yeah, you're really having fun? If I was having any more fun, I'd explode! Killing everyone here.
Hey, Russell.
I gotta talk to you.
By the way, I was snooping around looking for birthday deal clues, look what I found.
Excellent! Audrey probably spanks him with it, scratches his monkey chest, - slaps him around.
- Russell, come on! This whole birthday deal thing is driving me crazy.
Jeff thinks I'm in over my head.
Don't listen to Early man, all right? This is a good thing.
Yeah, but what if what Jennifer wants is disgusting? Then you win.
No, I don't.
Look, man, you're single.
You can do anything you want with a girl because by the next morning you're gone.
Next morning? Later that night? Whatever, I mean You never have to see her again.
I'm with Jennifer for ever.
Therein, my friend lies your problem.
By the way, that thing? It's a scoop for the litter box.
Is it now? Take care.
So, I think I know what I want for my birthday deal.
- You do? - I'm just worried that might be a little messy.
Messy How? It involves oil and some other stick liquids.
Could ruin the sheets.
Oil and sticky liquids.
Oil and sticky liquids The Santa Fe Funnel cake.
Hey, Audrey.
Hello, Russell.
Anyway Big night for Jeff, wouldn't you say? Yes, it's his birthday.
Yes, it is.
So, are you gonna give him a special present? This party.
And I think we're done here.
Come on! Hey, birthday boy! How's it going? Better now.
So I got your present.
How'd you like some details of a little chicky I was with last week? That would be a very thoughtful gift.
All right.
Okay, I tell you what.
I'll give you some juicy dets, you tell me what your birthday deal is.
Maybe I'd just ask Audrey.
That would be a very poor and unhealthy decision.
Think so? Imagine the Wilkinsons' surprise, when I pound you through the floor and into their living room.
Somebody got acid reflux? I'm sorry, would you like some champagne? Champagne? A real glass.
Great, it's fantastic! What are you doing? This is really good champagne, why are we giving this to our friends? Because it's your birthday.
Look at all these bottles! I mean, I tried to bite my time, but I-- I'm sorry, this is way too much, this night must have cost a fortune.
Why do you always have to put a price tag on things? Because things cost money.
I'm just saying we could have done this party for a lot less.
Fine, I give up.
You know what's ironic? That champagne was for a toast I was gonna give, to tell all our friends what a sweet, special, generous man you are.
Guess I can't do that now, can I? Excuse me everyone, I'd like to make a toast.
I'd like to thank you all for coming to my party, but more importantly, I would like to take a moment to thank Audrey for all of her hard work, and putting it together, it's much nicer and classier than I deserve, but then again, so is she.
Audrey, come here for a minute.
To Audrey.
To Audrey! Finish every drop.
Seriously, it's very expensive.
That was a great party.
Yes, it was.
I have decided what I want for my birthday deal, have you? Shall I go first? Yeah, let's do this.
On my birthday, every year, I want a foot massage as soon as I wake up, then breakfast in bed, Fresh home-made blueberry pancakes with expensive champagne and fresh squeezed orange juice.
Then, a back massage.
Then, I go back to sleep and you clean the apartment.
Then, when you're finished, you come back to bed, you get under the covers, and we watch The Notebook.
.
That's it? No crazy sex fantasy? Why not? Because sex wise, I can get anything I want from you any day of the year, I mean, I'm a girl and you're a guy.
That's true.
So for my birthday, I should get something I can't get any other day of the year.
So that's it.
That's the girl I'm gonna marry! I love you.
So what's yours? I wrote it down.
The Velvet Hat Trick? The description's on the back.
That's not how I do it.
I wish you'd let me tell people that your birthday deal involves coming here to recreate our first date.
People should know how sweet you are.
It's best if only you know.
Even that is pushing it.
I'm going to the ladies' room.