The Middle s01e02 Episode Script

FRANKIE: Out here in the Middle, people are straight shooters.
They just say it like it is.
Well, I got one of those types in my house as well.
Hell, yeah, you were a mistake.
I mean, we're happy you're here, but you were a mistake.
It's funny because you're not fat, but that skirt sure makes you look fat.
Ha.
Who told you Scrappy went to a farm? He's not at a farm.
He's dead.
[ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
Oh, hey, Dad, I'm trying out for Swim Team.
Do you wanna watch me swim at the pool? - Sounds boring.
- Mike.
- It does.
- Mike.
Saying my name over and over doesn't make it sound less boring.
[SIGHS.]
FRANKIE: Sometimes the family needs more than honesty.
It needs a cheerleader.
And that's me.
You know, Sue, what your dad is saying is that it sounds like fun.
[DRYER THUMPING.]
The dryer's making that noise again.
Noise again.
What noise? Your dad fixed it.
It's working great now.
Damn thing's on its last legs.
I can't hear the TV.
Well, we can't afford a new dryer right now, it's fine.
[TV PLAYING LOUDER.]
Anybody get the mail? I'll get more pop.
Axl, come on.
Let's go.
FRANKIE: Axl told us he was at church when he was actually sticking his tongue in a girl's throat at the mall.
So he'd earned himself one of Mike's famous punishments.
For the next two weeks, he had to stay within 5 feet of a parent at all times.
Oh, my God, Mike.
It's 2009.
- What? Already? - Yeah, Mike.
2009.
How did this happen? No payments till 2009.
No payments till 2009.
No payments till 2009.
The economy's gonna be great by then.
Great.
Now with interest, we owe $650 on a VCR we sold at the garage sale last year for 2 bucks.
[FRANKIE SIGHS.]
You know what? It'll be fine.
It's fine.
It'll be fine.
We're fine.
These things have a way of working themselves out.
As long as the dryer hangs on and I sell a car this month, we're gonna be fine.
[DRYER GRINDING.]
[DRYER WHIRRING.]
FRANKIE: Fortunately, out here you always have neighbors you can count on.
Hi.
Would it be okay if I just throw in a quick dry? WOMAN: Mm-hm.
Hi, hate to bother.
Just one more quick load? FRANKIE: And when that fails BRICK: Hello? Hello? I'm hurt and my mom and dad aren't home.
I'll just do this quick load while you try to find them.
You won't even know I'm here.
FRANKIE: So the busted dryer, piled onto the whole 2009 thing meant we'll have to cut corners fast.
First step, a trip to the Frugal Hoosier, Indiana's number one expired food store.
- So are we, like, poor now? - No, not poor, we're just thrifty.
We're trying something called living within our means.
You mean we've been living outside our means? Oh, God.
You should be thanking me.
Listen, smart consumers, they're the kids who are popular.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Brick, shake those unmarked cans and see if you can find peas, okay? We're listening for peas, people.
Hi, Bob.
Frankie, hi, it's me, Bob.
Listen, Ehlert's throwing a major hissy.
He's calling everybody for some emergency meeting at 1.
One? Are you kidding me? I was barely making it at 3.
- Uh-uh.
No fish.
BOB: Get in here.
I don't know what it's about.
I'm just freaking out here.
I'll call Mike, figure something out with the kids.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Just breathe.
Okay, kids, new plan.
I gotta get to work early.
But what about the pool? You promised you'd watch me for swim tryouts.
And you said you would take me to the library.
The Wheel of Nuldoid.
I have to check it out before anybody else gets it.
You promised.
Promised.
Okay, I know I didn't promise that many things.
I'm not that nice.
We'll swing by the library and when your father gets home, he'll take you.
But if you ever wanna eat name-brand food again I have to get to work.
Let's move it.
- I love this book, I love this book.
- I hate my life, I hate my life.
You got 5 feet, mister.
Use all of it.
Uh-oh.
You have a fine.
Oh, that's no problem.
How much? We're in kind of a hurry.
- One hundred eighty-nine dollars.
FRANKIE: Aah.
You're kidding.
I'm sorry but, heh, there is no way that we can pay that fine right now.
I mean, our dryer just broke and I haven't sold a car and it's 2009.
Right.
Next in line.
Mom, don't they know who you are? Flash them your Frugal Hoosier card.
Listen, my son is a very odd kid.
Books are everything to him.
He has no friends.
[MOUTHS.]
It's true.
I don't.
I'm sorry, but until you pay the fine, you're banned.
Oh, and your library card has been flagged.
Have a nice day.
You know what? This is a good thing.
Your teacher says you need social interaction.
And besides, you're not watching enough TV.
You don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't know The Bachelor.
FRANKIE: Yep, there I was, still cheerleading from a hole getting so deep I could barely see the sky.
- Did you cover for me? - Told him you had a pregnancy scare and also that you burst an aneurysm.
You should know that I do not think he bought it.
Your curler.
Trailing even the most pathetic of you is our newest employee, Frances Heck.
Her sales record is minus one.
Negative uno vehiculo.
That's Mexican for not good.
Well, you know, there is a recession on.
Enough of your communist whining.
It's always somebody else's fault.
The economy, your mama didn't breast-feed you.
The government won't let you marry a houseplant.
Now, I wanna hear some suggestions to perk up business.
And don't anybody say free mugs.
[MAN CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, I'll throw you stragglers a bone.
How about a free AK-47 with every sale? People love guns.
You really wanna arm our customers? - Anybody else? - Oh, here's a thought.
I was in the Frugal Hoosier and they have Ronald Reagan inaugural jellybeans.
let people guess how many for a prize? - Pfft.
- I don't know, thought it'd be fun.
Hmm.
Clever patriotic, cheap.
You know, I was gonna fire you right after the meeting but I think I'll just move that Post-it to next week.
Ha.
Hear that, Pete? I'm not fired for another week.
Yeah, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
FRANKIE: So while I was busy hanging onto my job by my fingernails BOY: Cannonball! at least I knew my family was having fun at the Orson Aquatorium.
- Axl? You getting in? - Pool's queer.
- How about you? You getting in? - Swimming's no fun without a book.
Well, then what the hell am I doing here? Come on, Brick, look at those boys.
They're having fun.
[GASPING AND CHOKING.]
Mom says I'm supposed to interact.
So can I tell you the plot of the book I wasn't allowed to check out? Chapter one, "Grampa's Story.
" Grampa Worst was old and dying Oh, Daddy.
I'm ready for you to watch me swim now.
Hey, finally.
At least one of my kids is actually getting in the pool.
He was dying of something old people die of.
Tell your brother.
All right, Sue.
Come on, kid, show us how it's done.
[GASPING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Hi, guys.
Did you have fun at the pool? Dad said that I suck at swimming and I shouldn't try out for Swim Team.
And then I bought you a Creamsicle.
So then the Nuldoids kidnap this kid and take him to the bowels of the earth.
Speaking of bowels, what's for dinner? Hey, no complaints.
That chicken or beef stew last night was great and we all kept that down.
FRANKIE: Not completely true.
After the giant tunnel hole, they go to the slide of the Droiden Frobble Dynasty Okay, Brick, honey.
Great social interaction today.
Now, please go find a book.
There must be one book in the house you haven't read.
Okay.
MIKE: Hey, champ.
Mom says I've had enough social interaction today.
Okay, catch you later.
FRANKIE: I was still mad at Mike, but I have a pretty good poker face.
Frankie, you weren't there.
You weren't at the pool.
She was bad.
She was Rhythmic Dance Team tryout bad.
All right, well, just because she sucks doesn't mean you should tell her that.
What do you think that does for her self-esteem? I took them to the pool.
If I had known it'd be anything about self-esteem, I wouldn't have done it.
- What do you want? - Five feet, Dad.
What should I have done? Lie to her? Since when did the truth be a bad thing? Sue's a sensitive young girl who needs to be treated delicately.
Her emotions are right on the surface.
She's not Axl.
We're her parents, Mike.
It's our job to cheer her on, no matter what.
I love my daughter and I'll not have her made fun of.
If someone's gonna dash her hopes, damn it, it should be her family.
Mom, Dad, guess what.
They did an eye test today at school and I need glasses.
FRANKIE: In retrospect, I guess there were signs.
Oh, I only want one.
I don't need both of them.
But thanks.
Oh, I got it.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Isn't it exciting? I've always wanted glasses.
Mike, don't you see what this means? That we're never getting a new dryer? No, this explains why Sue never makes anything.
She's blind.
Oh, Mike.
See, you never know what'll happen in life.
That's why you don't dash someone's dreams.
Right.
That's why you kept Hey.
Mom.
Which part of me is my hungering manhood? FRANKIE: If the library fines were half a dryer glasses were a whole dryer but luckily, the Frugal Hoosier has an optical department.
And no mirrors.
Dork.
Dork.
I would never stop punching you.
MIKE: Knock it off.
She's a young girl with emotions all over her surface or something like that.
Anyway, our job is to cheer her on.
Oh, my God.
Those look so great.
Seriously.
I think you should really, really buy them.
Okay.
Guess these are the ones, ha.
There is no stopping me on Swim Team now.
You're still trying out? Mom told me you said I shouldn't try out because you wanted to test how much I wanted it.
Well, I want it, Dad.
Now more than ever.
Well, if that's what your mom said, then I'm sure that's what I meant.
Mm-hm.
All right, that's it.
That's all that'll fit.
Oh, doesn't this look great? Oh! I think this is really gonna be MAN [ON PA.]
: Frankie, your husband is on Line 1.
He wants to take a shower and needs you on the line with Axl till he's out.
Hey, that is his punishment! Tell him to make Axl put on a bathing suit and get in there with him! [MAN SIGHS ON PA.]
So how's it going out here? Oh, Mr.
Ehlert, sir, hard at work.
It may look like fun, but it's work, work, work.
You did good, Frances.
Since this was your idea, my commission on the first sale of the day goes to you.
You're kidding.
Oh, Mr.
Ehlert, you don't how much this means to me.
My daughter, Sue, needs glasses and our dryer Already stopped listening.
So how many jellybeans are in there? FRANKIE: Okay, so we forgot the little detail of counting the jellybeans.
I won't let that set us back.
There's a solution.
Four hundred twenty-five thousand three hundred sixty-two jellybeans.
Wow.
FRANKIE: Isn't he smart? He is so smart.
Damn it, he deserves a book.
I may not be able to afford a new dryer but I could figure out a way to get my kid his book.
Plus I had to keep him out of mine.
And then when the rakish count stormed into the room her bosom heaved.
That means she threw up.
[WHISPERING.]
Psst! Kid.
Yeah, come here.
How would you like to check out this book for me on your card, huh? No, no, you don't have to tell anybody.
It'll be our little secret.
- I don't know.
- Oh, come on, what's gonna happen? Nothing.
I promise.
I have jellybeans.
- Okay.
- Great.
Here.
Remember, don't take candy from strangers.
I mean, I'm okay, but in the future, don't do it.
I'll be waiting for you in the bushes.
FRANKIE: It was the day of the big event and my idea was a huge success.
If that don't beat all, a whole car full of jellybeans.
You know, I have been all over this county and I ain't never seen anything like it.
Excuse me, is the jellybean car for sale? I think it's a hoot and a half.
Well, yes, it is.
After the big event is over, I'd be happy to make you a deal.
- Oh, okay, thank you.
- Here.
Oh, thanks.
Yep, we were gonna be okay.
2009 might have started out bad but I was working my way back to zero, one jellybean at a time.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? You're outside the limit.
Bring it in 4 inches.
There you go.
Ladies and gents, thanks for coming to Ehlert Motors.
We've got great deals on all our vehicles so please don't rush off.
We've got many knowledgeable salesmen and a woman to show you around.
Right.
Now, for the winner.
There were 425,362 jellybeans in the car.
So the closest guess with 12,001 is Cecil Hagen.
Well, if that don't beat all.
[LAUGHS.]
Congratulations.
I won.
Now, kids, when that door opens, you go ahead and scoop up all the jellybeans you can hold.
- Frances, you like to do the honors? - Me? Oh! Well, it was my idea.
Ha, ha.
Okay, everybody ready? GIRL: Yeah.
- Ready? BOY 1: Go.
BOY 2: Go.
- It's a little stuck.
GIRL: Open it.
Three.
[CROWD GROANS.]
BOY 3: Oh, man.
BOY 4: Oh, no.
It's just Okay.
Everything's okay.
It's just a little warm out today.
So the jellybeans just need a little bit of help to get out and No, no, no.
No, don't go.
No, don't go away.
No, this will clean up great.
You can still buy it.
I'll give you a great deal.
Well, this just proves that sometimes the best man for the job is a man.
I'll put the cost of cleanup on your tab, Frances.
This roughly makes you negative two.
No, no.
No, no, I can fix it.
Look, here, wait.
Wait.
FRANKIE: Damn it, I was so close to getting us out of this hole but it's just getting deeper.
And now I was supposed to go cheer Sue on in Swim Team tryouts? Woo-fricking-hoo.
Where's Sue? Did I miss the tryouts? Mike, I thought he was punished.
He lured her into the perimeter.
What can I do? What is he doing? I whored myself for that book.
- I promised it would be returned safely.
- Hey, it got him into the pool.
Oh Those jellybeans in your hair? Brick.
Brick.
Float very carefully over to the side.
I need that book out of the pool.
SUE: Oh, Mom.
Mom, you made it.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- I'm up.
- Oh, Sue.
Yeah, yeah, I made it.
I made it.
I'm here now.
Swim for me, baby.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Okay.
All right, go, Sue! Go, Sue! FRANKIE: It wasn't her eyes.
Mike was right.
She sucked.
[GASPS.]
Okay, it's fine.
It'll be fine.
Yeah, we're fine.
We're fine.
We're fine.
[TORNADO ALARM BLARING.]
- Tornado.
- Oh, come on.
It can't be a tornado.
It's a beautiful sunny day.
FRANKIE: I hate Indiana weather.
Mom, are we gonna be okay? I don't know.
Huh? I don't know if we're gonna be okay, Sue.
I really don't.
Frankly, I have no evidence that we will.
That's not what you're supposed to say.
Oh, I know.
I know.
I'm just supposed to pick you all up and tell you everything's gonna be fine.
But you know what, I don't know anymore! You wanna know the truth? Your dad's big on truth.
Basically, our lives suck right now.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
We can't afford a new dryer, we can't afford unexpired food.
I can't even afford the LCD light-up angel that I ordered to surprise you all at Christmas.
Surprise.
If I don't sell a car, that means no job.
That also means maybe no house but the tornado will probably blow it all away anyway.
Oh, my God, let's just pack it all in.
Let's give you kids to Madonna Dad and I will live in a tent city somewhere.
Because the truth is, we are screwed! But it's fine.
No, it Everything's fine.
We'll be fine.
[FRANKIE SIGHS.]
Frankie we'll get through.
Yeah.
FRANKIE: Wow, who knew I was living with my own personal cheerleader? Mike was right.
We would get through.
Same as always.
Because it doesn't matter how big the storm or how much stuff gets blown your way if you have each other, that's everything.
Because there's nothing more important Holy crap! Is that a dryer? You see it too, right, Mike? The tornado gave us a dryer.
Quick.
Get it inside before anybody sees.
Oh, my God.
Our luck started to turn around after that.
Some stupid bank actually approved us for a brand-new credit card.
So we paid off Brick's library fines we were able to afford contacts for Sue and she actually made the Swim Team.
Well, 34th alternate.
And the best part of the new credit card? No payments till 2012.
And I'm sure by 2012, everything's gonna be great.
FRANKIE: Okay, see, this is why you never give up hope because anything is possible.
I mean, you just never know what'll happen.
You just gotta hang in there and believe and Oh! Hot damn, there's even clothes in there.