Frasier s01e03 Episode Script

In the Greater Seattle area, the number is 555-KACL.
Lines are open.
Please give us a call.
Who's up next, Roz? Pam on line four has a family problem.
Hello, Pam.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
'Hi.
It's my in-laws.
'They drop over all the time without calling 'and expect us to stop and entertain them.
' They're your husband's parents.
What does he suggest? 'The other day he had us drop to the floor 'and stay quiet until they drove away.
' A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
'I don't want to hurt their feelings.
' Either you risk hurting their feelings, or you spend the rest of your life diving for cover when they drop on by.
(Doorbell) 'Shh! They're here! ' Your in-laws? - 'Shh! Yes.
' - (Whispers) Then why don't you Oh, for Pete's sake! Just tell them how you feel.
'I will.
Next time.
I promise.
Thanks.
' As Pam belly-crawls across her living room let's take a moment for this message from Carpet Fresh.
How's that for a segue? It's not good to make rude gestures at other drivers.
He cut you off.
You should not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you.
" Big talk from a Volvo.
- You found yourself a new suit.
- It's a beaut.
- Let's have a look.
- I'll model it for you.
Nice of you to buy your father a new suit.
It didn't work out the way I'd planned but What are you doing? Fluffing your knickers.
If you don't mind my saying so, you're losing some of your elasticity.
I appreciate what you're doing, but a man's knickers are Ooh! How do you get them so soft? Fabric softener and twice in the fluff cycle.
Keep up the good work.
(Phone rings) Hello? Yes.
Oh, hi, Niles.
Of course you can come by.
Great.
I'll see you then.
Hi, Niles.
Thanks for calling first.
I heard your show today.
I wouldn't dream of popping by unannounced.
I was passing by and I've come to beg a favour.
My housekeeper Mary is a fan of your little radio programme.
What she lacks in taste, she makes up for in vigour.
She'd like an autographed photo.
It'd be my pleasure.
Daphne, this is my brother Niles.
- You're Daphne? - Yes, I am.
When Frasier told me he'd hired an English woman, I pictured someone a little more not quite so You're Daphne? Nice to meet you.
- Lovely accent.
Manchester? - How did you know? I'm quite the Anglophile.
I'm sure Frasier and Dad told you.
No.
I spent a year studying at Cambridge.
They didn't mention that either.
I guess they don't talk about me when I'm not around.
I wouldn't say that.
Niles, here's your picture.
Do you mind? "Mary, here's wishing you good mental health.
Frasier Crane.
" Fits like a glove.
Hi, Niles.
Hey, Dad Wow.
- How do I look? - Wow.
Dr Crane took your father to Armani.
That's Armani? I told you, Frasier.
He can't tell the difference.
We were on our way to Armani when Dad spotted this at a discount store.
It's sharkskin.
Look at the way it changes colour when I move my arm.
You'll be the handsomest gent at your friend's retirement party.
- Let's hang it up before it gets wrinkled.
- It's supposed to resist wrinkles.
They had one in the window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar.
Frasier, is he our real father? We've been having this discussion since we were children.
But that suit! It's not just the suit.
It's his taste in everything - clothing, films, music.
Except our surname and strong calves we have nothing in common with him.
Thank goodness, we took after Mom.
Why didn't he acquire her sophistication? He was too busy working so we could have the nicer things.
Maybe we should pay him back in some way, expose him to the finer things so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur.
Dad's so set in his ways.
We all are at some point.
You thought the 1812 Overture was great classical music.
Was I ever that young? You and I have to broaden Dad's horizons, show him the world that he's only read about in TV Guide.
- How about an evening of fine dining? - Perfect.
But where? Le Cigare Volant! Can we get in? I've been trying for months.
My name carries cachet in this town.
If the maitre d' happens to be a housewife, we're in.
Niles, you are so mean.
- I'll just call Information.
- No need.
I have it on speed dial.
Thank you.
Hello.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
Yes.
The one on the radio.
Any chance of getting a table for four on Saturday, at, say, 8:00? Merci.
A bientot! We're in! Niles, can I get you a beer, pork rinds? No, thanks.
Dad, Niles and I and Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at Le Cigare Volant, one of the hottest new restaurants.
I don't know.
The food is to die for.
Your country and your family are to die for.
Food is to eat.
Thanks, but I wouldn't like it.
How do you know? I didn't have to get shot in the hip to know I wouldn't like that.
It's a chance to have an evening together as a family.
We really want to do this for you.
All right.
We're going to have the best time! I can wear my new suit.
And won't that be nice? How do the calls look today? Jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic-depressive and the rest feel their lives are going nowhere.
I love a Monday.
How was your weekend? I had my most hellacious date ever.
He asked me to pick him up from work.
I stop for gas and pump it myself while he reads the sports section.
We go to my place to make sweet and sour shrimp.
I ask him to hand me the honey and he gets this freaked out look and says he can't because he has a fear of touching anything sticky.
It was a new jar, but he wasn't taking risks.
- Where do you meet these people? - I answered his ad.
- You got 30 seconds.
Get in there.
- Not yet.
Are you ready? - Oh, no.
- We do this every Monday.
- You do this.
I play along.
- Come on.
- Who's got the best Seattle talk show? - We do! We do! All right! Well, aren't you a bobby-dazzler! I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.
- Where are you off to? - Poker night.
You're a card player? (Doorbell) It's mostly social.
Me and the girls just bumping the gums.
No one ever loses more than $500 or $600.
Hi, Niles.
Where's Maris? Are you taking separate elevators again? Maris is having one of her episodes.
In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the bed in her half-slip and sighed.
- I knew that dinner was not to be.
- Sorry.
I'll make the best of it.
Hi-ho, Daphne, you're looking luminous.
- Thank you.
- What's in the bag? A little treat for Dad.
Some Devonshire clotted cream.
- For Dad? - I love Devonshire clotted cream.
- Isn't that lucky? You can share it.
- I'll pop it in the fridge.
- Sherry, Niles? - Thank you.
I'm having a thought.
Since Maris has dropped out and we have an extra space, perhaps we should invite Daphne to join us.
It is a table for four, and three is such an awkward number, you know, at a at a dinner.
What are you doing? Nothing.
For goodness' sake, I'm happily married.
Maris means the world to me.
The other day, I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.
I'm off to my poker game.
It was nice seeing you again, Dr Crane.
Wait a minute.
I'm getting something on you.
She's psychic.
We've decided to find it charming.
You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you? Yes.
Frasier, she's phenomenal! It's a gift.
Well, cheerio.
Ta-ta.
You've never had colitis! I know.
I couldn't bear to disappoint her.
OK.
I'm ready to go.
Dad, what's happened to your suit? It's at the cleaners.
I got some creamed chicken on it at Phil's retirement dinner.
You can't keep anything nice.
I'm sure Le Cigare Volant has a dress code.
Niles, may I borrow your phone? Thank you.
- Where's Maris? - Episode.
Hello.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I have a reservation tonight and I'm calling to inquire about your minimum dress code.
Crane.
Frasier Doctor.
What do you mean? They've lost our reservation.
Give me that.
This is Dr Niles Crane.
I've never been treated so shabbily.
I could come over and create a scene! - They've already hung up.
- Thank God.
What now? It's Saturday night, 7:45.
We won't get in anywhere.
Hey, I know! Why don't I take us all to The Timber Mill? - The Timber Mill? - You get a steak this thick for $8.
95! It doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant we'd like.
- I was willing to go to your place.
- We'd better take a rain check.
I was looking forward to going out with you boys.
We'll do it some other time.
I'm sure Daphne's got something in the fridge I can heat up.
- I'm in the mood for a good steak.
- What? The point isn't where we have dinner but that we have an evening together.
You won't be sorry.
They've got five toppings for your baked potato.
- Did you hear that, Niles? - I'm sold.
We'll bring you a bone, Eddie.
He's ecstatic.
Quite a place, huh? Used to be a sawmill.
Until somebody stated the obvious and said, "Hey, let's turn it into a restaurant!" My mouth is watering.
There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
This aroma is triggering a sense memory.
Something familiar.
Oh, of course.
It's Maris and her home tanning bed.
Welcome to The Timber Mill.
Do you have a table for three? Sure.
This way.
- Is this your first visit here? - Yes.
We've got a dress code.
- His suit was at the cleaners.
- Not him.
You.
Timber! (Bell rings) - My tie! She cut off my tie! - Isn't that great? - Why did she do that? - They like to keep the place casual.
- You could have mentioned that to us.
- And spoil the fun? Ah, cheer up.
- You get a free dessert.
- Oh, boy.
I guess you're right, Dad.
It's just a tie.
A Hugo Boss tie.
- Can I get you something from the bar? - Oh, dear God, yes.
Stoli Gibson on the rocks with three pearl onions.
If you bring him two or four, he'll send it back.
- And for you? - The same.
I'll have a Ballantine.
A funny thing happened the other day.
One of my patients had a Freudian slip.
He was with his wife and meant to say, "Pass the salt.
" Instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew.
" I'll bet she didn't like that.
No, Dad.
She didn't.
How was your buddy's retirement party? It was great.
I really miss those guys.
Bad news, though.
Mo Hanson, my old desk captain, was killed in a boating accident.
I'm sorry.
At least he went quick.
Hank Krinski, well, he had three bypasses before he went.
Jimmy Berman had this weird disease.
I visited him in the hospital.
When he died, his skin was all yellow.
Just wasted away to nothing.
Nice nurse, though.
Betty, I think her name was.
I see you're first-timers.
This is how it works.
Every entrée comes with soup or a trip to the salad bar.
One trip only, please.
Also included is our garlic cheese bread.
- Now you can claim your steaks.
- "Claim" them? You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley.
How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator? Just pick your steak.
I'd like a petit fillet mignon very lean, but not so lean that it lacks flavour.
And I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared.
Pink in the middle.
Not true pink, but not a mauve.
Something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.
OK.
How about you? Could I see the other side of that one? Just bring us those three, medium rare, all the fixings.
Come on.
There's a lull at the salad bar.
They have the best Thousand Island dressing in town.
I saw the plaque by the cash register.
Here we go.
Three Paul Bunyans.
- We've barely touched our salads.
- Great service.
With luck, we'll complete our dining experience in 20 minutes.
- I could put this under the heat lamp.
- No, no.
I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Let me know if I can get you anything else.
Thank you (!) I don't mind you being tough on this place, but you could be nicer to the waitress.
I'll apologise when she comes with the dessert.
Which should be any time now.
Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
I wish this was one of those times.
What's wrong? - I don't mean to complain - Then don't.
These steaks come from prize beef What the hell are you doing? Something's fallen in my potato.
- Those are bacon bits.
- I didn't ask for them.
- I ordered all the fixings.
- I don't eat bacon.
It has nitrates.
They're artificial.
They're made out of soy.
They really look out for your health here.
Everybody in this restaurant is enjoying the dinner.
Can't you do the same? Niles? Is Maris organising the Arts Council benefit again this year? - Yes.
- Where are they holding it? They haven't picked a spot yet.
Maybe I should tell them about this place.
- I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night.
- You wouldn't be the only one.
That's it.
I've had enough of you two jackasses.
I've listened to you making cracks about the food.
I've got news for you.
People like this place.
I like this place.
When you insult this restaurant, you insult me.
I thought you took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that.
But you mother liked a ball game too.
She'd even have a hot dog.
She had fancy taste, but she had too much class to make anyone feel second-rate.
If she saw how you've behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed.
I know I am.
- Dad, wait.
- I'm going to Duke's for a nightcap.
- Let us take you.
- I'll take a cab.
I've had enough of you.
Leave the waitress a good tip.
She deserves it.
- Niles, say something.
- Dad, wait.
The mud pie is coming! The mud pie is coming (!) - I feel terrible.
- So do I.
- The sad thing is, he's right about us.
- Are we really such snobs? Do you see anyone else drive their father out into the street to drink? - We've got to apologise to Dad.
- You're right.
Give him a couple of hours.
When he gets home, we'll settle this.
Absolutely.
We've been just horrid.
Do you think we've lost the ability to appreciate the simple things - steak, potatoes, fixings? I'm afraid so.
The thing is, this is good food.
It's not fancy but it's good, wholesome American fare.
You know, as a tribute to Dad, we should sit here until we've cleaned our plates.
I'm game if you are.
We're going to prove we are not snobs.
Absolutely.
Frasier, look who's here.
Eat your food.
# Hey baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Quite stylish # And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Frasier has left the building.