How I Met Your Mother s01e03 Episode Script

S Sy Syn Sync Sync b OLDER TED: So there was this one night, before I met your mother, when I really wanted to go to the bar.
The bar.
Big surprise.
You sure spent a lot of time in bars.
Well, that's just what we did back then.
Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin.
We all used to hang out at this one bar called MacLaren's.
But then one night - Why don't we go to MacLaren's? - Let's go to MacLaren's.
You guys taIking to each other? - Nobody's listening? - What's wrong with MacLaren's? MacLaren's is bore snore.
Ted, tonight we're gonna go out.
We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be legendary.
Phone-five! OLDER TED: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
You didn't phone-five, did you? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted.
Come on.
We always go to MacLaren's.
Yeah, 'cause MacLaren's is fun.
MacLaren's is this much fun.
What I'm offering is the chance to have this much fun.
See, you say that.
You say it's gonna be this much fun, but most of the time, it ends up being this much fun.
This much fun is good.
It's safe.
It's guaranteed.
This hand-gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it? No, it doesn't.
Get in the cab.
Marshall, you, too.
I wish I could.
I think Lily and I are just gonna - I understand.
Get in the cab.
- Why can Marshall say no? Because he's getting laid.
Consistently.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
Right here.
You keep going to the same bar.
You're in a rut.
And I am a rut-buster.
I'm going to bust your rut.
It's not a rut, okay? It's a routine and I like it.
Ted, what's the first syllable in 'rut-tine'? Peace out, suckers! All right, so what's this legendary plan? First, we gotta pick someone up at the airport.
- Okay, I'm out of here.
- Estaban, doors! Okay, we just do this one little thing and the rest of the night is ours.
Why do you have those suitcases and who are we picking up? I don't know.
Maybe her.
Or her.
Wait.
So, when you said you were going to pick someone up at the airport, you meant you were going to pick someone up at the airport? Scenario.
Couple of girls fly into town looking for a fun weekend in NYC when they meet two handsome international businessmen just back from a lucrative trip to Japan.
Sample dialog.
You have a wheelie bag? Why, I have a wheelie bag.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- False.
Sidebar.
Tuck in your shirt.
You look sketchy.
- I'm sketchy? - Trust me, it's gonna be legendary.
Don't say legendary, okay? You're too liberal with the word legendary.
We're building an igloo in Central Park.
It's gonna be legendary.
Snowsuit up! Ted, Ted, Ted.
Right here! This is happening.
Now, you can either put the bags on the carousel now or you can listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carousel.
Your move.
Ted, since the dawn of time, mankind has struggled That night, Marshall had a ton of studying to do.
So, Lily went out with Robin who was new to New York and looking for a friend.
I'm so glad we finally get to hang out, - just the two of us.
- Yeah.
And you sure you're okay giving up your Friday night to hang with an old, almost-married lady? Oh, please.
I'm so sick of the meat-market scene.
Guys are like the subway.
You miss one, another one comes along in five minutes.
Unless it's the end of the night, and then you get on anything.
Compliments of that guy.
Really? Sweet.
Oh.
For you it's $6.
I guess that's one drawback to being engaged.
- I'm sure that's why he did it.
- Hey.
Oh, hello.
So, did you just get in from Detroit? Japan.
Okay, carousel four is tapped out.
Ready? 'Cause I'm about to drop some knowledge.
Cute girls are not from Buffalo.
Time out.
Ten o'clock.
You ready to rock this, Tedder? All right, I think we need to refine our back-story first.
- How did we - Ted! You klutzy, great guy you! Hey.
Barney.
- Hi.
- My God, are you okay? - I am so sorry.
- It's fine, no.
You were a little shaky on your landing.
I'd give you a 9.
2.
Hi, I'm Ted.
Laura.
Look, I'm really sorry that we have to hit and run, but we've got a plane to catch.
- Oh, where are you headed? - Philadelphia.
- Philly? That's where we're headed.
- You are? - Well, then, we'll see you on the plane.
- Yes, you will.
- Follow them.
Tickets on me.
- No.
Barney! Don't you get on that escalator! And don't you dare get on that subsequent escalator! (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Are you all right? - Yeah.
Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a Ready? Plane to Ready? Philadelphia.
- That is awesome.
- Hey, is that Marshall? Marshall, stop whatever you're doing, get in that hoopty-ass Fiero of yours and come meet us in Philly.
It's gonna be legendary! Man, I wish I could, guys Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I sent you some pictures on my phone.
Check it.
Philly! Admit it, you're having fun.
This much 35,000 feet of fun.
Well, I didn't think I'd be flying to Philadelphia when I woke up this morning, I'll give you that.
Attaboy.
Now let's go taIk to those girls.
Wait, wait.
The seat-belt sign's on.
Ted, you've been living your whole life in a seat belt.
It's time to unclick.
- Sir, seat-belt light's on.
- Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Well, I grew up in Park Slope.
Oh, I love Park Slope.
When did you move to Manhattan? - You're from Park Slope? - No, she is.
So, where are you from? Heaven? Yeah, I'm a ghost.
I died 15 years ago, like that pick-up line.
- God, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, believe me, I've been there.
I have this line that I use when guys come up Check it out.
Hey.
You take this one, I'll save it for the next one.
- So, what brings you guys to Philly? - We're visiting our boyfriends.
I think Chris is gonna propose this weekend.
Isn't that great? So great.
So, there we were, stuck on an airplane to Philadelphia with two very un-single girls.
All thanks to your Uncle Barney.
Aren't they cute? - They're both linebackers for the Eagles.
- Both! Both of their boyfriends are linebackers.
You're going to Philly? Why? I didn't ask.
Well, it sounds like you're having a lot more fun than I am.
I'm just taIking to guys' backs while they hit on Robin.
Well, yeah, I bet she gets that a lot.
Don't you bet I get that a lot? Not with a ring on your finger.
I mean, you know, guys see the ring, it's, like, Marshall parking only.
Oh, of course.
That's it.
The ring.
I guess I'm not used to it yet.
Oh, it's totally the ring.
If you took that ring off your finger you'd have a ton of guys crowding your junk.
I'm not gonna take off my ring.
Wouldn't you be jealous of guys swarming all over my beeswax? Oh, yeah.
You know me, I'm the jealous type.
Any goon so much as looks at you, I'll sock him in the kisser! No, seriously, you girls have a good time tonight.
Bye.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) Robin! Robin! Hey, I'm over here.
Going to Philly! Marshall, don't come to Philly.
But we're on an adventure.
We're on a tarmac in Philadelphia.
Crazy adventure.
Fine.
No.
No.
The night has just started.
Look, airport bar.
Flight attendants.
They'll get your tray table in its full, upright position.
- Say what? - Passengers Mosby and Stinson? Please come with us, gentlemen.
- Keep your hands where I can see them.
- Barney, I am going to kill you.
Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security.
Not cool.
Not cool.
This is an outrage.
We are international businessmen on a very important international business trip.
I demand you release us immediately.
You demand? No, no, no, no, he does not demand.
We have no demands.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to remain calm.
Okay, I'm calm.
I'm totally calm.
We've got footage of you placing two bags on JFK carousel three, and abandoning them to purchase a last-minute flight with cash.
- Those bags were your responsibility.
- They were your bags.
Sir, please.
We're assessing the bag situation.
(BEEPING) Look.
This is all just It's a misunderstanding.
Please.
We are international businessmen.
My colleague accidentally left the bags there.
Now, please let us go before we miss our international business meeting.
Can't remember the last time I saw an international businessman with an untucked shirt.
In addition, we received this footage, taken over the last few months.
Believe it or not, that duffle bag thing worked.
The truth is, my friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls.
And we followed some here to Philadelphia.
That's it.
That's all this is.
Nobody's that lame.
Yes, he's that lame.
Tell him you're that lame.
- We are international businessmen - Oh, come on! Sir! Lower your voice or I will restrain you.
Dude, seriously, relax.
- We at least get to call our lawyer.
- Exactly.
We have a lawyer? Listen to me.
You're both American citizens.
Don't let them pull any Patriot-Act voodoo.
You both retain the right to refuse to answer any questions without an attorney present.
So don't say anything until I get there, all right? Okay, goodbye.
Oh, it's ridiculous in here.
Why don't we go somewhere else? No.
This place is great.
- What are you doing? - What? With your lips and everything? My lips are always like this.
You had to play the race card.
Relax, Ted, we didn't do anything wrong.
And, BTW, we'd be out of here by now if you'd have tucked in your shirt.
Go ahead, JFK.
What is the baggage status? They're clean.
It's just a whole bunch of condoms.
And a PowerBar.
You're free to go.
TED: Don't come to Philly.
- Man, I'm almost halfway there.
- Yeah, we just got released and we're heading back on the next flight.
Meet us at MacLaren's.
Maybe we can still make last call.
- Can't we just - No, we can't 'just,' we're going home.
- We're going to Sascha's.
- Who the hell is Sascha? Sascha.
She's having friends over for drinks at her house.
It's gonna be legend Wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant, 'cause the second half of that word is 'dairy.
' - No! - Legendary! - Legendary? That sounds awesome! - No, Marshall, we're going back.
Fine.
Hold on, I have another call.
- Hello? - Marshall, we're going to Sascha's.
No, we're not.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
Right here.
Yes, we are.
Sorry, buddy.
Two against one.
- Look, a booth opened up.
- Really? Yeah, I thought we could finally go taIk and you're not listening to me, - so I'm gonna waIk away.
- Yeah, yeah, booth.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm engaged.
You know, I'm sorry.
I took my ring off.
It's very, very sweet of you to come over and taIk to me, but I just Yeah, I'm gay.
I just came over to let you know that you sat on a grape.
Damn it! So, Barney and I hit the town.
Philadelphia, PA.
Our first and only stop, Sascha's party.
(HORSE WHINNYING ON TV) So, you're Sascha's friends, huh? You know it.
(WHISPERING) You guys, keep the volume down.
You're gonna wake my grandpa.
Who wants hard lemonade? Philly! (WHISPERING) Philly.
Back at the bar, girls'night out wasn't going as Robin had hoped.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) - Lily's phone.
- Robin? Where's Lily? - She's - Is she taIking to some hot guy? You can tell me.
It's totally cool.
It was my idea.
Hell, I told her she could take the ring off.
Really? Well, I thought it was kind of weird, but if you're cool with it Yeah, it's off, and she's taIking to some guy.
- Do you want me to go over and - No! Don't interrupt.
It's awesome.
So, the ring's really off, huh? Awesome.
Well, just tell her I called and tell her that she's awesome.
(CHOCKING) Did you hear that, Ted? Dana works security at the Liberty Bell.
I do okay.
Wow, it must be really well cordoned-off over there.
Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it? Only all the time.
You ever, like, stick your head inside it? Yeah.
- Do you ever lick it? - Nope.
I have never licked it.
I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell.
If someone were to pull that off, I dare say it would be What's the word? - Well, this is my stop.
- Ted, legendary.
Barney, I'm going to the airport.
Sascha, thank you.
And tell your grandpa I'm sorry I waIked in on him in the bathroom.
I'll get some club soda for that stain.
Lily, I thought tonight was about us hanging out? What are you doing? Just fending off the advances of that totally hot guy.
- Dude, I think that guy is gay.
- I know that guy is gay.
It's just Marshall and I have been together for nine years.
I haven't been single since high school.
You wanna be single? You wanna fight off loser guys all night? Does that seem like fun to you? I guess I just wanted to throw this net back into the ocean and see how many fish I could catch.
So far, one.
One gay dolphin.
And Marshall.
Lily, all these girls here tonight are all hoping to catch what you've already got.
You're right.
I know.
Hey, do you wanna go get coffee and have an actual conversation? If by coffee you mean cheesecake, then yes.
Hey, I got the club soda.
Let's see that booty.
Thank you so much.
You wanna mess, pal? That's my fiancée's hot backside that you're dabbing! - Marshall, no! - Baby, please.
Don't ever take that ring off again, no matter how awesome I say that it is.
- It's okay, man.
- Back off, hombre! I'm not that afraid to fight you! You wanna test this, guy? Be my guest, come on.
Marshall, he's gay.
Oh, thank God.
I've never been in a fight before.
You don't say.
So, it turned out Uncle Marshall really was the jealous type.
Unfortunately, that guy's boyfriend? Also the jealous type.
(LILY EXCLAIMS) Could've licked the Liberty Bell.
We're going to the airport.
Bong.
Bong.
Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer at my regular bar, with my regular friends in my regular city.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
- You're not even looking.
- No, I'm not.
Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness.
Okay? Not for the sit-around-and-wait of happiness.
Now, if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, taIk to the same people every day.
Or you can lick the Liberty Bell.
You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
That was beautiful, man.
Thanks, Leonard.
Ted, you're missing out on a valuable life lesson here.
Look, I don't need you to teach me how to live, okay? I know how to live.
If you wanna go lick the Liberty Bell, just go lick it yourself.
- No.
It has to be the two of us.
- Why? Why do you need me? Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell me I'm yours.
But the way I see it, we're a team.
Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno.
So, fine.
If you wanna go home, then we'll go home.
(SIGHING) Fine.
We'll go lick the Liberty Bell.
Good, 'cause we're here.
I had no idea how Barney redirected the cab without me knowing, but we got out, Dana let us in, and by God, we licked the Liberty Bell.
- And you know what it tastes like? - What? Freedom.
No, actually it tastes like pennies.
Oh, my God.
Did you guys really do that? OLDER TED: We really did.
And that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney.
I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story.
So, that girl you were taIking to, that was Mom? Kids, every story in a man's life is like a dot - in an impressionist painting, and when - So that's a no? Yeah, that's a no.
What? Come on.