Mike & Molly s01e03 Episode Script

- Have you lost weight? - I have, and thank you for noticing.
Thought so.
When you were bent over tying your shoes your wallet didn't look like it was trying to bust out of your ass.
Do you, uh, always check out my behind when I'm bent over? Well, I try to look every other way, but that thing is in IMAX.
Regardless, I feel better, got more energy.
I don't know if you're aware of this but for a long time I struggled with a midday lag.
If you mean that time between noon and 5 where I drive and you sleep, yeah, I've noticed.
No more.
And the great thing is I'm not dieting.
I eat whatever I want.
It's all about portion control.
I've been preaching moderation for years.
The stomach understood.
The ears weren't ready to listen.
- Morning, gentlemen.
- Hey, Samuel.
I'll have the French toast with hash browns and a large orange juice.
Good choice.
And for you, big and bountiful? I will have a half a cup of Grape-Nuts, two inches of bacon and one silver dollar pancake with a teaspoon of syrup.
Is he making a joke? I usually find more food than that under his chair.
Afraid not.
Okay.
Would you like skim milk on your Grape-Nuts? No, whole milk, but just a whisper.
I like my nuts crunchy.
You are certain my chain is not being yanked? Huh.
- You understand my suspicions, right? - Just go get my food! What you got going on tonight? Nothing.
I was thinking about asking Molly out again.
Are you crazy? You can't ask a woman out on the same day.
- Why? - Even if she's got nothing going on she's gonna tell you she's got something going on so you don't think she's got nothing when you call and ask what's going on.
So should I call her or not? Sure, you got nothing going on.
Really? What are you doing tonight, making fondue with your grandma? It's chili night.
You know, I was thinking maybe I'd ask Molly to go bowling.
Bowling? Oh, you dog.
I see the tender trap you're baiting.
What? It's just a second date.
I figured it'd be a fun, no-pressure kind of deal.
Uh-huh.
It has nothing to do with the fact that, when it comes to bowling you're a chunky, white Michael Jordan? - It does not.
- Not to mention a sight to behold in that pink and black shirt with the matching ball? You know, I won that ball in the police league tournament.
I built the ensemble around it.
You smooth-ass Casanova, you.
I'm not a Casanova.
I haven't even kissed this girl yet.
Forget kissing.
You're gonna be looking at a 7-10 split.
That little school teacher ain't gonna know what hit her when she sees you treat those pins like your 10 little bitches.
Whether it goes that far or not, I wanna show her a good time.
She lives at home with her mom and her sister.
She doesn't have a lot of excitement in her life.
- No.
No! - Put the scissors down! - I'm gonna cut it off! - No man is worth it.
He said he loved me.
- He's married.
- He won't be after his wife gets my hair.
Well, I finally got Sweeney Todd to bed.
How did you manage that? I crushed up three Xanax and put it in her teeth whitening tray.
Well, it's all my fault she's so fragile.
I was too hard on her growing up.
Too hard? You breast-fed her till she was 5.
Would've done the same for you except you were eating corn on the cob before you had teeth.
Hello? Hey, Mike.
Uh, not much.
Hanging with Mom and Sis.
Tonight? - You can't leave.
Watch me.
Uh, bowling.
Yeah, that sounds fun.
Your sister needs us now.
Hang on.
Mom, she's doing this for attention.
It's the same reason she's got a webcam in her bathroom.
Fine.
But if you come home and find the coroner snapping a toe tag on your sister promise me you won't blame yourself.
Deal.
I love him.
I must go to him.
Oh, damn, it's awake.
Sure.
That sounds fun.
Great.
Seven o'clock.
I have to go.
Why don't I just bring you a whole order of french fries and you just eat 12 of them? If I could eat just 12, this shirt wouldn't look like it was made in an awning store.
I tried that portion-control diet once.
Yeah? How did it go? Gained 14 pounds.
Three freaking gummi bears at a time.
I'm having wonderful success with it.
And if I stay on track, I'm thinking next summer, shirtless at the beach.
I'll bring the suntan lotion.
Just in case, bring a bucket and a paint roller.
Ha, ha.
That is quite an outfit.
I'm guessing you've done this before.
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm a bit of a legend in these parts.
Oh, really? Well, maybe legend's too strong.
Folk hero.
Well, I'm prepared to be impressed.
Me, I just did a little bowling in college, mostly as an excuse to drink.
Yeah, you know, a lot of people like to mix alcohol with the sport but I don't like my senses dulled.
You can't put beer goggles on the eye of the tiger.
Right.
If you're interested in tips, I'm happy to help.
- That'd be great.
- All right.
First off, there's a lot of misconceptions about bowling.
It's not just about brute force.
It's about form, follow-through and finesse.
The three F's, I like to call them.
Not to be confused with the three R's: reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic, your forte.
Now, the key to form is keeping your wrist straight, okay? Key to a follow-through is releasing the ball in a smooth, gliding motion.
Attaboy, Mike.
Ignore him.
What about finesse? Forget finesse for now.
Focus on fun.
Okay.
I hope I don't embarrass myself.
Hey, we're just here to have a good time.
Nobody's gonna be embarrassed.
Oh! Look, I knocked them all down.
I'll be darned.
Was my form okay? Yeah.
You're still bending your wrist quite a bit, but that goes away with practice.
- Can I take another turn? - Sure.
Maybe I'll get lucky again.
That's a very healthy attitude.
Booyah! That's what I'm talking about! That's good.
That's real good.
Where's my 12 french fries? I don't feel right about taking your money.
No, no, I made the bet and you won fair and square.
Sandbagger.
- What? - Nothing.
Hey, Samuel.
This is Molly.
Molly, Samuel.
Oh, nice to meet you, Samuel.
The pleasure is mine.
I heard the large man was seeing someone but I, of course, assumed you were imaginary.
That's funny.
Samuel's from Africa.
He came here to pursue the American dream and, apparently, to bust my balls.
What part of Africa are you from? Grew up in Senegal, my mother is from France.
- Do you speak French? Oh.
- Fluently.
I also speak Arabic, Wolof and a little German.
Apparently, the only language he doesn't speak is waiter.
Heh, heh.
I speak a little German too, uh I asked him, "What up, dog?" and he said, "Not much, just chilling.
" That's good.
You working tonight or just doing the floor show? I'm sorry.
He gets grumpy when he doesn't get his tiny pancake.
So, what are you doing here in the United States? Studying English Literature at the University of Illinois.
Oh, I love English Lit.
That's where I fell in love with Shakespeare.
Ah, Shakespeare.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind: - Nor hath Love's mind - Nor hath Love's mind - of any judgment taste.
of any judgment taste.
- Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste.
- Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste.
Ah, screw it.
Whatever's on the grill, I'm eating.
Big man gets bitchy when he's hungry.
Little bit.
Keep a Snickers bar in your purse.
So, what's next? You wanna grab a drink somewhere? I don't think so.
Sure? You don't have to worry about blurring the eye of the tiger anymore.
Yep.
We could just drive around a little.
It's a really beautiful night.
Well, you're a schoolteacher.
You see the beauty.
I see the crime, the corruption and the danger.
What's more dangerous: The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf or the Gymboree? That's funny.
You just go right here on Wells.
It's a quicker way to get to my house.
Excuse me, I'm a Chicago police officer.
I know these streets like the back of my hand.
Okay.
Sorry.
I may not know how to quote Shakespeare but I know I can navigate the City of the Broad Shoulders.
Carl Sandburg.
He's a great Illinois poet.
I know.
I love his poems.
It's actually "City of the Big Shoulders.
" Broad is fine.
I mean, you get it.
Look, Mike, if I've done anything to upset you Night.
Thanks.
I had a nice time.
I guess you'll call me, right? Okay.
You bowl like a girl! I can't live without him! I'm getting too old for this crap.
You and me both.
What I wouldn't give for a girlfriend or Cinemax in my bedroom.
What are you doing here? Oh, no.
Come here.
- What happened? - It was a complete disaster.
Erectile dysfunction? No.
I didn't even kiss her good night.
So the penis is fine? As far as I know.
He's been hiding for the last couple hours.
Tie your shoes and give her the rear view? Because I may have fudged its attractiveness out of friendship.
Carlton, who was at the door? It's just Mike, Grandma.
Go back to bed.
Oh, hey, Michael.
How are you, baby? I'm all right, Nana.
How are you? Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie.
What are you doing here, sugar? Carlton told me you had a date.
Uh, I did, but it ended pretty early.
Erectile dysfunction? Because Carlton got some pills if you need them.
Uh, Grandma, how many times have I asked you to stay out of my room? When you start doing your own laundry I will stay out of your room.
Until then, I go where I please.
Pays 200 dollars a month in rent and he gonna start telling me where I can and cannot go.
Now, Michael, what happened with this girl? I don't know, we just didn't make a connection.
I see.
You didn't make a connection.
Yeah, you know, our world views don't jibe.
Your world views don't jibe? Exactly.
Now, Michael, I'd like to see you in heaven too but lying to an old lady ain't gonna get you there.
She beat me at bowling.
- You're kidding me? - I don't mean just beat me.
I mean, she covered my ass in Pledge and wiped the floor with it.
But the bowling alley's your home court advantage.
Only place you got left to shine is House of Pies.
Hush up, black Gilligan.
Continue, Michael.
It's not just that.
She was showing off and speaking in different languages.
You mean in tongues? Like the Pentecostals? No, like French and German and Shakespeare.
Oh, good.
Because I been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus.
So if I hear you correctly, what's upsetting you is you had a date with a smart, capable young woman and it threatened your masculinity.
No.
No.
Oh, Michael why is it you boys get so intimidated by strong women? Want us all to just be dumb and grateful.
No, I don't want dumb.
I am a fan of grateful.
Please.
When's the last time you laid your eyes on grateful? Let me tell you something, Michael you gotta embrace the beauty of a strong, independent woman.
If it was me, I'd cut my losses and move on.
I guess we know why you're in the bathroom on a Friday night shaving your head with my Lady Schick.
And I pray to God that's all you were shaving.
Now, Michael, do you have feelings for this girl? Yeah, I guess I do.
Well, then you need to stop behaving like a petulant child.
Go back to her, tell her what's in your heart and how you really feel.
Yuck, really? Take it from me, you show her that side of you and she will open up like a flower.
Because there ain't nothing sexier in the world than a secure man being honest with his woman.
Baby, you coming back to bed? Now, that man is honest as the day is long.
And had he not been honest, I never would've found out he was long.
God, I love your grandma.
You may not believe this now, but you'll get over this man.
Yes, you will.
And you'll find somebody else.
Somebody sweet and kind and loving And single.
I'd try single for the next one.
You know, just to shake things up a little bit.
Molly, your sister's hurting.
This is no time to play Monday morning quarterback.
She's had one of those.
And he was married.
She has been doing this her whole life.
She gets mixed up with emotionally unavailable men and wonders why they broke her heart.
- He's not emotionally unavailable.
He's an alcoholic, there's a difference.
Oh, my mistake.
Oh, he's drunk and married.
That's a guy you can count on.
Why are you being so mean to me? Is she on a new diet? Yeah, I'm on the "not swallowing any more of your crap" diet.
Oh, Mom, please.
Give her a cookie or something.
Molly, you need to calm down and just be supportive of your sister.
Are you kidding? That's all I ever do around here is support my sister.
What about me? Who supports me when I'm hurting? - Well, why are you hurting? - Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because I had a date with a guy I really liked.
A single guy.
And it was a complete train wreck.
Well, you'll be fine.
You're a rock.
I don't wanna be the rock anymore.
Let somebody else be the rock.
I wanna be the hot one that gets taken care of and everybody wants to have sex with.
Oh, Molly, it's not as glamorous as it looks.
It's really not.
Look, Molly, I'm really sorry about how I behaved.
Keep in mind that I'm a cop.
My life is on the line every day and that can wind a man up pretty tight.
So sometimes you get the teddy bear and sometimes you get the rattlesnake.
That's good.
Okay, let's do this.
Victoria, what're you doing with that hairspray and lighter? Back off! Molly, code blue! What the hell's going on? I'm gonna set that bastard on fire and you can't stop me.
Oh, my God! Put it down! - Put it down.
- Step aside, ladies, I got this.
- What are you doing here? - Let me do my job.
Victoria, give me the hair spray and the lighter.
No, he's gotta pay! Listen, I understand you're upset, but revenge is not the answer.
I loved him and he broke my heart.
I understand, sweetie.
Sometimes we all suffer disappointment and humiliation.
Can't help it if I'm a good bowler.
You're a great bowler.
And I'll get back to you on that.
Listen, I know guys act really stupid sometimes.
I certainly did tonight.
Okay.
It's not an excuse to turn some guy's face into burnt lasagna.
Okay? What it really is, is an opportunity to practice forgiveness.
So why don't you give me the lighter and we'll talk about it? Come on, Victoria, please.
Thattagirl.
Hostage training at the academy.
Okay, now listen Oh! Dear God, that burns! Victoria, you get back in this house! No! That was really sweet.
I'll flush your eyes out when I get back.
Oh, that's good.
She still likes me.
Yes! Sorry, I get excited.
It's okay.
You're a wonderful bowler.
Well, in that case, booyah! That's how I roll! Ha, ha.
All right, all right, don't push the cute.
Where are we at? You're up like 38 pins.
Give or take.
Well, you can still turn things around.
What you doing? I'm turning things around.
Attaboy, Mike.