Modern Family s01e03 Episode Script

Hey, i though you were gonna take out the garbage.
I am.
Phil.
Yes, getting it.
Dylan.
Hey, mrs.
Dunphy.
Um, I'm just waiting for haley.
Did you ring the bell? I texted.
She said she'd be down in just a minute.
Oh, great.
Tell her I said hi.
I will.
Dylan! D-money! Chillin' with dylan the villain.
"d" to the "y" to the -- hey, mr.
Dunphy.
Hey, come on in.
You're just in time to catch the end of the game.
Oh, I'm not really a baseball guy.
[ cellphone beeps .]
haley says hi.
I-I was just being facetious.
Come on.
I'll catch you up.
Sit it.
Park it.
Come on, I don't bite.
[ growls .]
kidding.
[ chuckles .]
I'm kidding.
Okay, see that guy? He's the tying run.
Interesting story about him.
He's been stuck on second base forever, And I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, Which is just a terrible, terrible idea.
How are you and haley doing? I wish I could stay home with you and fly toy airplanes.
These aren't toy airplanes, manny.
These are models, and they're very complicated.
You want to fly one of these, You got to be familiar with airfoil, drag, lift, and thrust, And these are all principles of aerodynamics.
The box says, "12 and up.
" What?! You can fly toy planes with jay next time.
Today you have to spend time with luke.
Why? Because his mother invited you, so you go.
Family needs to be close, right, jay? I'm pretty sure this is a typo.
Men need their hobbies.
Manny's father had many hobbies, Like hiking in the desert, That kind of skiing that they drop you from the How do you say in english? The [imitates helicopter.]
Helicopter.
Yes.
Once, on a dare, he even boxedd with an alligator.
Wrestle.
You wrestle -- you can't box with alligators.
Are you sure? How would they get the gloves on those lile claws? Aren't they like tiny, little hands? No! Okay, now I forgot what we were talking about.
Anyways, hobbies are important for the men, Whether you're risking your life Or flying little planes from a safe distance.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what are you doing? We're just gonna buy some diapers.
It'll just take a second.
This is costco.
Yeah, which is where we buy diapers.
Since when? Do you remember when we adopted that baby A few months back? Since then.
Mitchell is a snob.
No, n-no, I'm -- I'm discerning.
Official slogan for snobs.
When we first met, he wouldn't even look at me Because I was a hick from the farm in missouri And he's a big city mouse.
Who says "city mouse"? Country mice.
[baseball game plays on television .]
I think I'm gonna go wait in the car.
Okay.
Hey, if you're on your way out, can you grab the garbage? I got it.
Okay, we got it.
He's a little jumpy.
Oh, go figure -- a teenage boy doesn't want to hang out With his girlfriend's dad.
I thought we were past all that.
I'm all about I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real Is so you can take it to the next level.
Did you really not know that? You haven't exactly taken it to the next level with my dad.
What are you talking about? We've been married for 16 years, And you still walk on eggshells around him.
What?! Are you kidding? Jay and I are total buds.
[ doorbell rings .]
You -- you want to just hang out? Brought six friends, so that just [ chuckles .]
Let's Manny brought his favorite game to play with luke.
It's called "empire.
" You use strategy to expand territories And take over the world.
Luke is gonna love that.
He's out back playing.
Do you need me to get you something While I'm out shopping? That's such a nice offer, but I think we're good.
Thanks.
Okay, what about this? You don't even say hello to gloria and manny? Hi, gloria and manny.
Okay, mom, what about this? No, you're wearing a dress.
[ sighs .]
mom, come on! What? It's gonna kill you to look like a girl for one afternoon? But it's a wedding for some friend of yours That I never even heard of.
It's nonnegotiable.
You can borrow a dress of haley's again.
No, that sends an ugly message -- That I'm haley.
You know, instead of trying to force me to wear a dress, Why don't you worry about getting luke to wear some pants? What? Why does he do this? Luke! Pants! Come on! Phil: Jay and I are buds, for sure, But with kind of an invisible asterisk.
Um, he's not, uh -- he's not a talker Or -- or a hugger.
Once, he ran over my foot with his car.
To -- to be fair, he had just given up smoking.
But, basically, we're buds.
Do you have to just stand there? You're making me feel uneasy.
Oh.
[ clears throat .]
Oh, for god's sake, sit here.
Here, hold this wing like this while I adjust this.
Okay.
Come on.
Here.
Not too hard.
Okay.
Alex, why don't you come shopping with me? Maybe I can help you find something that you like.
That's a really nice offer, but it's not really her thing.
Actually, I'd love to go.
See, you don't know what my thing is.
You have no idea what my thing is.
I know what your thing is.
Your thing is to provoke, Just like your sister's thing Is to never come out of her room, And your brother's thing -- Oh, well, there's your brother's thing.
Luke! Put 'em on! Mm-hmm.
Our relationship's always been stuck In that primal place where it started.
You know, he's the old silverback Protecting his females.
Then along comes this younger, stronger gorilla, Swinging in, beating his chest, you know.
Naturally, the ape ladies come running, Presenting their nice scarlet behinds.
Papa ape wants to stop all that, but he can't, you know.
That's -- that's life.
I'm not the enemy.
The enemy is poachers.
That'll do it.
Don't touch it.
[ sighing .]
all right.
You want to go fly it? Sure.
Oh, hey.
I got the toothpaste and the soap.
Good.
Now we can open that general store.
I thought we were just here to get diapers.
We had a saying on the farm -- As long as you're bringing the mule to the market, you -- I feel you rolling your eyes at me.
We met at one of pepper's legendary game nights.
I remember mitchell because he kept rolling his eyes Every time I would get a little boisterous.
I did not! A little bit.
Yeah, maybe a little bit.
We were -- we were playing charades, And I-I had no idea how to act out my clue, And all I could think of to do was And without missing a beat, cam says -- "casablanca.
" All I did was this "casablanca.
" "casablanca.
" Can we just please get the diapers and get out of here? Fine, but I want to stop by the wine section first.
[ chuckling .]
wait.
There's a wine section? Yeah, a really good one -- just past the tires.
No way, they do not have -- oh, my god.
Oh, my -- cam.
Cam.
The paper shredder I wanted, huh? Confetti and crosscut -- yep.
[ laughs .]
ohh! Oh, my god, amazing.
Yeah.
Cam What is this place? [ timer dings .]
Those cookies smell like heaven.
Your own recipe? No, I just throw them in the en.
And added the secret ingredient of caring? Sure.
So, you and luke having a good time? I don't know.
He won't come out of his box.
Maybe I'll just stay here and spend some time with my sister.
Oh, right, I guess, technically, I would be your stepsister.
My mother says we are never to use the word "step" Because it means "not real," And we are a real family.
Mm.
So, what is the matter, claire? What? You seem sad.
It's just stuff with alex -- you know, kid stuff.
Ugh, kids.
You don't have to tell me.
My school is full of them.
I was thinking, after lunch, We can go and do a little shopping.
I'm not getting a dress.
I don't care.
I'm not your mother.
I know.
You're my grandmother.
Step-grandmother.
Anyways, today, think of me as a girlfriend -- Two girls out for an afternoon of fun.
What do you usually do with your girlfriends? I don't know.
We go out.
We talk, drink wine.
Can I drink wine? No.
Some friend.
Well, you can still talk to me about anything.
Yeah, adults always say that, but they don't mean it.
When my mom says I can ask her anything, I really can't.
She just freaks out.
I won't freak out.
Shoot.
Okay.
How many men have you slept with? Eight.
Next.
[ plane engine buzzing .]
Now can I try it? No.
I should get one of those.
I've always loved planes.
You know, if things had gone a little differently in my life, I think I would have been a pilot.
Hey, what would happen if you turned the remote off And then back on real fast? Yeah, you would have been a great pilot.
So, can you do a -- can you do a loop-de-loop? If I wanted to.
No way! Can I try it? No.
Okay.
I can see why you like this.
It's so peaceful.
It's like the whole world justDisappears out here.
I remember this one summer -- I'll tell you what.
Hmm? There's another trick called "threading the needle.
" I used to do it with claire and mitch when they were kids.
You want to try it? How does it go? You grab one of those hoops over there And go to the far, far, far end of the field and stand there, And I fly the plane through it.
Um, that sounds awesome! And then I get a chance flying it? No.
Okay.
How's this? Not far enough.
Go on.
Okay, further down.
Está bien.
Más lejos.
You can't go too far.
Right, okay.
I get it.
I get it! How's this? Good! Now stand still! Don't move! Ay! Let's do it! Whoo! Whoo! I love it! I love it! [ laughs .]
You drove the plane into my face.
You must have moved.
I told you to stay still.
I didn't move! Try not to talk.
I want to make sure nothing's broken.
[ groaning .]
Alex and I can't just disagree.
I mean, she has to turn everything into a fight.
Hmm, a strong, independent woman.
Sounds like somebody else I know.
I was never hostile, thou.
This -- this whole thing with the dress -- Never had this problem with haley.
Maybe alex doesn't want to compete with her big sister.
Maybe she's trying to create her own identity.
Put her in a dress and she disappears.
For one afternoon.
I wouldn't give up being myself for even one second.
Wow.
Sometimes it's hard to remember you're only 10 years old.
And three-quarters.
Yeah.
[ telephone rings .]
[ clears throat .]
hello? Olives? Yeah.
You got it.
[ beep .]
Mitchell, I found the diapers.
They're over here.
Cameron, guess what I found.
Coffins.
They sell baby formula, and they sell coffins.
You can literally buy everything you need From birth to death.
Oh, my god, look at these diapers.
[ gasps .]
look how cheap they are! Oh, you know what we should do? We should get enough for like the next year or two, right? Where would we keep them? They sell sheds.
Really? You want to buy a diaper shed.
We're those guys now? The guys with the diaper shed? Just grab two more.
I'm not grabbing two more, mitchell.
It's time to go.
No, come on, come on.
We need a -- Excuse me.
Where did you get that flatbed thing? Over there.
Go grab one of those.
Really? Yeah.
Get two.
I'm in the applesauce aisle! So, anyways, after charades, we went out for coffee, And I learned that he loves art, He plays the piano, he speaks french.
Un peu.
So, you know, I-I misjudged him.
Yeah, I'm sort of like costco.
I'm big, I'm not fancy, and I dare you to not like me.
Yeah, and I'm kind of more like that, um Oh.
What is the name of that little shop we went to in paris? You are such a snob.
"casablanca.
" I have a small flower on my ankle And a tiny, little butterfly on my Thigh.
How high up? Very high.
Did you do it to look sexy? No, did you do it for a guy? Does grandpa like it? No, no, and yes.
That's gross.
Mm.
Let's go back to your piercings.
No, no, no.
I've answered enough of your questions.
Now it's your turn to answer one.
What is it? Why you don't want to wear a dress? Because I don't want to look like haley And her stupid friends.
I wear dresses, and I don't look like haley.
You are haley, just40 years older.
Deal.
Alex, why are you fighting me on this? It doesn't matter if I dress up.
I'm not pretty like haley and you.
That's ridiculous! You're beautiful! I'm not.
But that's okay.
I'm the smart one.
Hmm, the cute busboy doesn't know that you're smart.
What? He's been smiling at you every time he comes to the table.
He does not! Why do you think we are the only people with bread? Look, one day, you are going to want To date a cute guy like that.
When that day comes, you're gonna want to look beautiful, And then you'll wear a dress.
So, you ever kiss another girl? That's no way to talk to your grandmother.
Was my mom hard on me growing up? Yeah, she was, but you know what? Back then, everything was betty friedan And gloria steinem.
They didn't understand -- Gloria: Hola.
We're back.
Alex: Hello.
Hey, how'd it go? It was great.
Did you have fun with luke? Well, not -- we had a great time.
Alex, I've been thinking, and If you don't want to wear a dress to the wedding, It's not the end of the world.
It's all right.
I bought one.
[ both laugh .]
Do you see how she has to provoke me? We'll talk about it next week.
[ phil groaning, pounding on door .]
Jay: Clear the way.
Coming through.
Coming through.
Ow! Ow! I need to rest my face.
You're fine.
You'll be all right.
Oh, my god! Dad! Little accident.
Nothing big.
I was in a plane crash.
What happened? We were threading the needle, and somebody moved.
No, I didn't.
You did it on purpose.
That's the painkiller talking.
He's a little loopy.
How bad is it? Well, the wing is cracked, the propeller's bent, But I can -- I mean phil.
I was in a plane crash.
Thanks, dad.
I didn't ask him to be there.
He insisted.
He took a chance.
This is what happened.
Kind of like the time you ran over his foot? You ran over his foot? That was an accident.
You know, dad, you did it on purpose.
We all saw the tire marks on the lawn.
I had just quit smoking.
[ phil groans .]
See, you're upsetting your husband.
Water.
I'll get it.
[ sighs .]
You okay? Gloria.
Thank god you're here.
Don't worry.
I'm here, too.
Who's this? Jay: Wasn't my fault.
Oh, I have seen you thread the needle a million times.
You never miss.
Yeah, I must be getting old.
Why don't you just admit it? You never liked phil.
And put that down.
You do not get a cookie.
Jay: I like phil.
It's just that sometimes he tries too hard, you know? And it's just kind of Irritating.
Okay, maybe he tries too hard Because you make zero effort with him.
You know what? In the 16 years that we've been married, Have you one time told him that you liked him? Not in those exact words, no.
No, not in any words, dad.
How do you think that makes me feel? Water.
You've never told your son that you love him? Whoa, whoa, when did we jump to "love"? And he's technically not my son.
Ah.
So that means that you don't love manny, either? Well, sure I do.
I mean, believe me, when I was in that park, I really wished manny was there.
For what -- So that you could fly the plane into his head? Huh? Dad, thanks so much for bringing phil home.
I found one of your little flaps in his hair, so Actually, this is called an aileron.
It controls the -- Yeah, 'cause that's what matters right now.
Bye, dad.
Hey, phil.
Phil: Jay.
Ow! What, are you made of china? [ groans .]
Phil, I just want you to know, I'm sorry.
And whether I missed or you moved -- I didn't.
Either way I just want to say that I like you.
Really? Yeah.
What do you like about me? You're a nice guy.
You try real hard.
I do.
You're a good dad.
I am a good dad.
Come here.
Come here, you.
[ groans .]
This feels so right.
[ groans .]
[ door opens .]
What's going on? There was a little accident, But jay's telling phil how much he loves him.
Oh, well, that's nice for phil.
That's great, since he's never said anything like that to my boyfriend.
Let it go.
No, it's not okay.
Mitch is right.
You go in there, too, cam.
Come on.
You're kidding.
Jay! Come on in, cam.
A ttle hug? Get in here.
[ all grunting .]
Say it, say it! I like you, too, cam.
What do you like about him? Oh, geez.
Where did you get that camera? Only the greatest store on earth.
Thanks, dad.
Manny, picture.
Get in there, too.
Phil: Get in here, manny.
[ mitchell laughs .]
Say, "cheese!" Don't push it.
Together: Cheese! Picture! Cheese! Cheese! Queso! [ laughter .]
Cameron: How beautiful! Jay: Oh, boy! Phil: Doesn't it feel like his arms could go around the world? I think I strained something.
I always wanted a daughter.
To dress her up with pretty dresses,- Do her hair, her nails, her makeup.
[ chuckles .]
No one knows this, but for the first year of his life, I made up manny like a girl And told everybody that he was my daughter.
[ laughs .]
But just for a few times.
I didn't want to mess with his head.
When he found the pictures, I told him That it was his twin sister who died, you know.