Queer as Folk s01e03 Episode Script

Michael: [ Narrating .]
ABOUT A WEEK AFTER THEIR BABY WAS BORN, THANKS IN PART TO THE INVALUABLE CONTRIBUTION OF BRIAN KINNEY, LINDSAY AND MELANIE HAD A PARTY.
THEY INVITED A HERD OF THEIR NEAREST AND DEAREST LESBIANS, ASSORTED RELATIVES AND US, THE FRIENDS OF THE FATHER, TO THEIR HOUSE.
IT WAS REALLY NICE, THE SMELL OF BREAD BAKING AND FRESH FLOWERS EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED, NOT LIKE GOING TO ONE OF MY FRIENDS' PLACES, WITH THE SMELL OF DIRTY LAUNDRY AND STACKS OF PORN TAPES EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED.
AW I'M SCARED, I BETTER BE GOING INSIDE.
OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU INSIDE.
SEEING THEM IN THEIR BEAUTIFUL HOME WITH THEIR NEW BABY, AND THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER, I WISHED FOR A MOMENT THAT I TOO COULD BE A LESBIAN.
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED I'D HAVE TO EAT PUSSY, SO I SAID FORGET IT.
[ Quiet conversations .]
HEY, MICHAEL, HOW YOU DOING? MICHAEL.
OH, HI.
STILL, BEING THERE THAT DAY, I REALIZED HOW DIFFERENT MEN AND WOMEN ARE.
AND I DON'T THINK IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH BEING GAY OR STRAIGHT.
IT'S THAT, THE WAY I SEE IT, WOMEN KNOW HOW TO COMMIT TO EACH OTHER, MEN DON'T.
AT LEAST NOT THE MEN I KNOW.
BUT I'M JUMPING AHEAD.
LET'S GO BACK AN HOUR.
[ Rewinding of music .]
[ Laboured breaths .]
I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT GOING TO THE MUNCHERS' BRUNCH.
AND THAT'S FINAL.
LOOK, IT'S NOT FOR THEM.
IT'S FOR YOUR SON.
[ Huffs .]
MY SON ? HE'S ONLYMYSON WHEN THEY WANTMYMONEY.
SO WHY PUNISH HIM BY NOT GOING? LOOK, IT'S NOT AS IF HE'S GOING TO KNOW I'M NOT THERE.
YOU CAN'T BE SURE.
I READ SOMEPLACE WHERE? MARVEL COMICS? THAT INFANTS RESPOND TO THINGS, EVEN WHEN STILL IN THE WOMB.
LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, TENSION AND DISCORD AFFECT THEM ADVERSELY, WHILE PLAYING MOZART AND STUFF LIKE THAT MAKES THEM SUPER-SMART.
[ Dry chuckle .]
WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF TWO DYKES GO DOWN ON EACH OTHER FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS HAS AFFECTED HIM? CHRIST! HE'LL PROBABLY GROW UP TO BE STRAIGHT.
ALL THE MORE REASON WHY HE NEEDS HIS DAD.
STOP ACTING LIKE A WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? LIKE A CHILD AND BRIAN? JESUS CHRIST, IT'S LIKE 150 FUCKING DEGREES IN HERE.
[ Panting .]
THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT? WELL, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY I THINK YOU SHOULD RISE TO THE OCCASION, YOU KNOW, BE BIGGER THAN THEY ARE.
THAT IS IF YOU CAN TAKE YOUR HAND AND YOUR MIND OFF YOUR DICK LONG ENOUGH.
JESUS! I-I'VE GOT M-MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.
NOW WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOUR MOUSSE MELTS? AND IF ANYBODY SHOULD ASK WHERE YOU ARE? JUST TELL THEM THE USUAL.
SOMETHING CAME UP.
[ Mixed chatter .]
Melanie: OH, THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
AUNT SHIRLEY, SAY SOMETHING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
I'M THRILLED FOR YOU BOTH.
AND SUCH A LUCKY BOY TO HAVE TWO MOTHERS.
WHAT'S HE NEED A FATHER FOR ANYWAY? YOUR UNCLE BEN WAS A LOUSY FATHER; NEVER HAD ANY TIME FOR THE FAMILY, ALWAYS CHASING WOMEN.
YOU'RE BETTER OFF BEING LESBIANS BECAUSE WELL TAKE IT FROM ME, A STIFF PRICK KNOWS NO CONSCIENCE.
[ Chuckling .]
OH, GOD! ISN'T HE GORGEOUS? HIS NAME'S KATSUO.
Katsuo: JEWS? NO, NO, NO.
NO, JEWS.
JUICE.
OKAY? HE GIVES PACIFIC RIM A WHOLE NEW MEANING.
WHERE'D YOU FIND HIM? HE FOUND ME.
I WAS HAVING DRINKS IN THE LIZARD LOUNGE, HE COMES OVER, STARTS CHATTERING AWAY.
ONLY HE DOESN'T SPEAK AND THE ONLY JAPANESE I KNOW IS SONY AND TOYOTA.
SO HOW DO YOU COMMUNICATE WITH HIM? THERE'S OTHER WAYS THAN TALKING.
WE ALL KNOW IT'S NOT POLITE TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.
HMMM.
[ In Japanese .]
WARUI KEDO.
KANEGA IRUNDAYO.
KAKO NI KITARA KANEO KURERUTTE ITTADARO.
IT'S CALLED CORNED BEEF, SWEETIE.
IT'S A JEWISH DELICACY.
OKAY? WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HE'S ACTUALLY SAYING? WHAT'S IT MATTER? WE'RE IN LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
I'M GOING TO WASH MY HANDS.
Katsuo: [ In rapid Japanese .]
KANE.
KANE.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO ASK MELANIE.
SHE'S FLUENT IN SUSHI.
COME.
COME.
COME.
COME.
OKAY, HAVE A BAGEL.
MEL HI, MEL.
OKAY.
AND CUT.
THAT'S GREAT.
LOOK.
WE NEED YOU TO TRANSLATE.
TALK TO MELANIE.
MELANIE SPEAK ALL AXIS POWERS.
KANE O KURERUTTE ITTADARO.
KANE O DASU TO YAKUSUKO SITA JANAIKA.
KANE ZEMBU TSUKKACHIMATTAYO.
HE KEEPS SAYINGKANE.
YEAH.
KANEMEANS MONEY.
HE'S SAYING HE EXPECTS EMMETT TO PAY HIM.
FOR WHAT? HE'S A GODDAMN MALE PROSTITUTE.
[ Snort .]
OH SHIT! [ Pleading in Japanese .]
KANE! KANE.
KANE.
MELANIE SAYS KANEMEANS LOVE.
HE SAYS HE LOVES YOUR VOICE.
IT'S LIKE A SILENT WIND CHIME.
AND THAT YOUR SMILE IS LIKE CHERRY BLOSSOMS FLOATING ON A STILL BREEZE.
T-THAT IS THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING THAT ANYONE HAS EVER SAID TO ME.
OH, HERE HE IS.
CAN I HOLD HIM? IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR THE CEREMONY.
WHERE'S BRIAN? HE COULDN'T MAKE IT.
HE SAID TO TELL YOU THAT, UH SOMETHING CAME UP.
HUMPH! I CAN GUESS WHAT.
SHALL WE BEGIN? THIS IS RABBI PROTESH.
HE'LL BE DOING THE BRIS.
OH, I LOVE POT ROAST.
[ Chuckle .]
THAT'S BRISKET! I BELIEVE IN THE JEWISH FAITH THE BRIS IS A CIRCUMCISION CEREMONY.
THAT'S CORRECT.
FIRST I GIVE THE BOY CHILD A LITTLE WINE, THEN I SAY A PRAYER OR TWO, THEN I TAKE MY SCALPEL AND I REMOVE HIS FORESKIN.
HE SAID THAT'S ALL I WAS TO HIM.
JUST A FUCK.
THAT'S A SHITTY THING TO SAY.
AND THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME ANY MORE.
WHEN MY LAST BOYFRIEND DUMPED ME, I DIDN'T HANG AROUND FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.
I WENT OUT AND GOT A NEW ONE.
WHEN DID YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND? THIRD GRADE? LAST SUMMER.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME.
I'M TELLING YOU NOW.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HOW JEALOUS HE GOT.
YOU CAN DO THE SAME THING.
SHOW THAT BRIAN.
GO BACK DOWN THERE TONIGHT.
PICK UP SOME HOT, HUNKY GUY.
YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY A TROLL, YOU KNOW.
WOULD YOU COME WITH ME? WHAT IF SOME LESBO TRIES TO PICK ME UP? I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
ALTHOUGH I LIKE MELISSA ETHERIDGE A LOT.
THINK THAT MEANS ANYTHING? Justin: MAYBE.
JESUS.
[ Yelp .]
[ Giggle .]
WHAT IF HE HAD A HEART ATTACK? I MEAN, I READ SOMEPLACE THAT SOMETIMES PEOPLE HAVE WEAK HEARTS, AND THEY DON'T KNOW HE JUST FAINTED.
LET ME THROUGH.
I-I'M A DOCTOR.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FAINTING? YOU'RE A RETIRED PODIATRIST.
WHAT? YOU DON'T THINK ANYONE EVER FAINTED IN MY OFFICE? FROM A CORN? AH, JUST STAND BACK.
GIVE HIM SOME ROOM.
ANYBODY GOT ANY, UH, SMELLING SALTS? HOW ABOUT POPPERS? WHAT ABOUT HORSERADISH? WE HAVE SOME FOR THE GEFILTE FISH.
IT'S WORTH A SHOT.
[ Sharp inhalation .]
All: [ Gasping .]
WHAT HAPPENED? YOU FAINTED.
ESTELLE, GET SOME ICE.
PUT IT ON HIS FOREHEAD.
Estelle: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T MEAN TO HURRY THINGS ALONG, BUT I'M DOING TWINS AT 3:00.
NO.
I'LL BE FINE.
REALLY.
KANE ITTADARO.
HEY.
CALL ME SOMETIME, HUH? SURE BUDDY.
[ Beeping of cell phone .]
HOW'S THE PARTY? YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HEREFAST.
WHY? WITH ALL THOSE BULL DYKES AROUND, IS THERE A SHORTAGE OF BOTTOMS? REMEMBER LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S INVITATION? THE PART THAT WAS IN HEBREW? I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT THAT MEANS.
Rabbi: IN EVERY JEWISH BOY'S LIFE, THERE ARE THREE STEPS TO BECOMING A MAN.
FIRST HIS BRIS.
THEN HIS BAR MITZVAH.
AND FINALLY HIS MARRIAGE.
FOR 3,500 YEARS, THE CIRCUMCISION RITUAL HAS BEEN THE FUNDAMENTAL SIGN OF THE COVENANT BETWEEN GOD AND ISRAEL.
MELANIE, WILL YOU PLEASE PLACE YOUR SON ON HIS MOTHER'S LAP? OH MY GOD, HE'S REALLY GOING TO DO IT.
OKAY, I-I CAN'T WHERE'S BRIAN? LOOKING AFTER THE ONLY DICK THAT MATTERS, HIS OWN.
Brian: EXCUSE ME, RABBI.
YOU TWO, IN THE KITCHEN NOW! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? BARGING IN HERE, INTERRUPTING A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED MY PERMISSION FIRST.
FOR WHAT? TO CIRCUMCISE MY SON.
WE DON'T HAVE TO ASK YOUR PERMISSION.
WE'RE THE PARENTS.
AND I'M THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER, AND THAT GIVES ME MORE RIGHTS THAN YOU.
OH-HO-HO, I SEE SOMEONE'S BEEN STUDYING HIS LAW.
LOOK, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION, WITH A HOUSE FULL OF GUESTS YEAH, AND SINCE WHEN DID YOU START CARING ABOUT YOUR SON? CONSIDERING YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO SEE HIMONCE SINCE HE WAS BORN.
WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY WELCOME.
OH BULLSHIT.
YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES! CAN WE PLEASE STOP THIS? WHY DOES IT MATTER TO YOU IF GUS IS CIRCUMCISED? IT MATTERS THAT HE'S BEEN IN THIS WORLD LESS THAN A WEEK, AND ALREADY THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WON'T ACCEPT HIM FOR THE WAY HE IS, WHO'D EVEN MUTILATE HIM RATHER THAN LET HIM BE THE WAY HE IS, THE WAY HE WAS BORN.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN.
Rabbi: EXCUSE ME.
UH, SHALL WE PROCEED? ???? [ Dance .]
YOU REALLY SHOWED THOSE DYKES WHO'S GOT THE LOW HANGERS.
AND FOR ONCE IT WAS US.
MM-HMM.
DEB, CAN WE GET SOME SERVICE? KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
AT LEAST UNTIL YOU'VE HAD DINNER.
HUH.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID THERE'S ONLY TWO REASONS TO BE FRIENDS WITH LESBIANS.
THEY'LL NEVER TRY TO CONVINCE YOU THAT THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE GAY IS THAT YOU HAVEN'T MET THE RIGHT WOMAN.
AND, UH, THEY KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A FLAT.
[ Chuckle .]
IT WASN'T ABOUT THEM.
IT'S ABOUT MY SON.
IF I DON'T LOOK OUT FOR HIM, WHO WILL? WOW! IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL, YOU MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE AN ALL RIGHT DAD IN SPITE OF YOURSELF.
TO BRIAN.
Emmett & Ted: TO BRIAN.
OKAY, BOYS.
WHAT'LL IT BE? NOTHING FOR ME, THANKS.
EM, HONEY, YOU SHOULD TRY TO EAT SOME OF YOUR PROTEIN OFF A PLATE.
I READ THAT FOR EVERY 30 POUNDS YOU LOSE, YOU GAIN AN ENTIRE INCH OF COCK.
SO IF YOU JUST DROP ANOTHER 90 POUNDS, YOU'LL HAVE A FOUR-INCH PECKER.
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF YOU BOYS? NOTHING FOR ME.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL PASS RIGHT NOW, THANKS.
I'M FINE.
CHEESEBURGER, FRENCH FRIES.
CHOCOLATE SHAKE, APPLE PIE.
[ Mixed chatter .]
I JUST KNOW IT TASTES GOOD.
THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT.
OH.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
HEY, I KNOW THAT GUY.
HE WORKS OUT AT OUR GYM.
UH BLAKE.
I THINK HE LIKES YOU.
OH YEAH? HOW CAN YOU TELL? Michael: 'CAUSE HE'S LOOKING BACK.
HE'S PROBABLY JUST STRETCHING HIS NECK.
WILL YOU LISTEN TO YOU? WHAT? ALWAYS PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN.
WELL, BETTER ME THAN THEM.
I'M GENTLER.
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT.
YOU KNOW, IT IS POSSIBLE THAT SOMEONE COULD ACTUALLY LIKE YOU, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, IT'S POSSIBLE.
HOWEVER I'M SURE A STATISTICAL ANALYSIS WOULD REVEAL THAT THE PROBABILITY OF A GUY NAMED BLAKE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT ACTUALLY LIKING A GUY NAMED TED WHO LOOKS LIKE ME TO BE IN THE .
05 PERCENTILE.
IN OTHER WORDS, PRACTICALLY ZIP.
ANYWAY, I'M SURE BRIAN'S MORE HIS TYPE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? BECAUSE BRIAN'S EVERYBODY'S TYPE, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HE'S HAD EVERYBODY.
WELL I KNOW, I KNOW, EXCEPT FOR YOU.
WHICH IS KIND OF WEIRD WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
WEIRD? HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
SO? SO EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
OH, RIGHT.
YEAH.
SEX IS SOMETHING YOU ONLY HAVE WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS.
YEAH.
PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN, UNLESS YOU JUST BUMP INTO THEM ON THE STREET, BUT NEVER WITH SOMEONE YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT.
WHO MADE UP THESE CRAZY RULES ANYWAY, HUH? BEATS ME.
LET'S GO HAVE A DRINK.
YEAH, OR TWO OR THREE.
YEAH.
LET'S GO.
HEY! HOW ARE YOU? Ted: YOU THINK I'D LOOK GOOD IN THAT? OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT.
IS IT A GIRL OR A BOY? I SAID DON'T POINT.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU SEE.
GUYS KISSING GUYS, GIRLS KISSING GIRLS.
WELL, WHAT IF I SEE A GUY AND A GIRL KISSING, HUH? THAT'D BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT DOWN HERE.
AND STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE SO EXPERIENCED.
[ Snort .]
MORE THAN YOU.
DON'T FORGET WHAT I SAID.
IF I SEE HIM, PRETEND I DIDN'T.
DON'T EVEN LOOK.
THAT IS IF HE'S THERE, WHICH HE'S PROBABLY NOT.
BUT IF HE IS, DON'T LOOK.
SHOULD I FREEZE THIS OR TOSS IT? I'D RATHER NOT HAVE IT AROUND WHEN I'M TRYING TO GET BACK INTO SHAPE.
SO HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO GO ON? OR DO YOU PLAN NEVER TO SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SAY? ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT, "I HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF UNEATEN COLD CUTS AND AN UNCIRCUMCISED SON.
" HOW'S THAT? OH.
LOOK, BRIAN'S GOING TO TAKE OUT THE INSURANCE POLICY.
AT LEAST HE'S AGREED TO DO THAT.
THAT'S SOMETHING, ISN'T IT? OH, A CONSOLATION PRIZE.
IT WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO YOU LAST WEEK.
SO WAS THIS AFTERNOON, BUT NOW I HAVE BEEN HUMILIATED IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS, MY RELATIVES, RABBI PROTESH.
WHERE'S THE GODDAMN PLASTIC WRAP? AND YOU LET HIM DO IT.
ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO CALL OFF THE BRIS.
OF COURSE, I KNOW IT'S NOT VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU OR BRIAN, BUT IT HAPPENS TO BE A VERY IMPORTANT RITUAL IN MY FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN WHO THINK CIRCUMCISION IS A CRUEL AND BARBARIC PRACTICE? I DON'T CARE WHAT MEN THINK ABOUT THEIR DICKS.
I CARE THAT YOU PUT BRIAN BEFORE ME.
BUT YOU KNOW, WHY SHOULD I BE SURPRISED? YOU ALWAYS HAVE.
OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
ARE WE REALLY GOING TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN? I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.
YEAH, AND I DIDN'T WANT BRIAN TO BE THE BABY'S FATHER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
BUT NO, YOU HAD TO HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
IT HAD TO BE BRIAN OR NO ONE.
SO NOW HE'S A PART OF OUR LIVES FOREVER WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT.
OKAY.
WELL, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING TONIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF YOU? OH, SHIT! WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY? MY MOM'S HERE WITH MY UNCLE VIC.
SHE DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS GOING TO COME HERE.
HEY, NOT EVERY BOY'S LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE A MOTHER WHO'S EQUALLY AT HOME IN THE KITCHEN AS SHE IS IN A GAY BAR.
[ Heavy sigh .]
NOW YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF.
AS USUAL, BRIAN GETS ALL THE BEAUTIES WHILE WE GET TO WATCH.
HE HASN'T GOTTEN HIM YET.
HE WILL.
HE'S GOT THE WALK, HE'S GOT THE TALK.
HE'S GOT THE TATTOO.
BRIAN'S GOT A TA WHERE'S BRIAN GOT A TATTOO? IN A PLACE YOU'LL NEVER SEE.
DOUBLE SHIT! WHAT NOW? IT'S HIM! OUR TEEN STALKER.
CHRIST! WHY WON'T HE JUST GO AWAY? REMEMBER ME? TURN AROUND.
I NEVER FORGET A BUTT, ESPECIALLY A CUTE ONE.
Debbie & Vic: [ Chuckling .]
I MET YOU IN THE DINER WITH MICHAEL LAST WEEK.
YEAH.
I'M JUSTIN.
THIS IS DAPHNE.
HI.
HI, DAPHNE.
WHAT'S HE DOING? TALKING TO YOUR MOM.
WHAT? WHOO-HOO! YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A FRIEND OF MICHAEL'S.
HIS NAME'S BRIAN.
COULD'VE GUESSED THAT.
HONEY, EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR BRIAN.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? [ Clicking of tongue .]
Daphne: THAT'S BRIAN? GOD, HE'S SO OLD! Daphne: AND SKINNY! YOU COULD DO WAY BETTER THAN THAT.
WOULD YOU SHUT UP? FIVE BUCKS HE NAILS HIM BEFORE MIDNIGHT? Vic: YOU'RE ON.
I AM NOT BABYSITTING HIM AGAIN.
THIS TIME HE'S ALL YOURS.
WHAT? HE'S OVER THERE TALKING TO MY MOTHER, THE LITTLE PRICK! LEAVE HIM ALONE.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME? THE NOISE IS SO LOUD IN HERE I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY HE'S ALL RIGHT.
IN FACT HE'S KIND OF SWEET.
SWEET? I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF HIM.
I THOUGHT HE WAS OUT OF OUR LIVES.
WHERE'D HE GO? WHO? WHO DO YOU THINK? SHIT.
HE'S GONE.
AND THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
YOU MADE ME LOOK AWAY.
OH, FUCK YOU, MICHAEL! WHAT'S EATING HIM? OR ISN'T? [ Chuckle .]
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME HERE? WELL, VIC WAS FEELING BETTER SO WE THOUGHT WE'D COME HAVE A DRINK.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? THE BIG DEAL IS I CAME HERE TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS, NOT MY MOTHER! SWEETIE, YOU KNOW I APPROVE OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.
MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOU TO APPROVE.
MAYBE I WANT YOU TO GO HOME AND CRY.
[ Screeching of brakes .]
[ Horn honks .]
FUCK ME.
LOVE TO! Tracy: WHAT, JUST DANCING? WELL, CAN'T WE DO SOME- THING ELSE? MIKE? TRACY! IT IS YOU! [ Giggling .]
ISN'T THIS WILD? YEAH.
REALLY WILD.
OH, MY FRIENDS AND I, WE THOUGHT WE'D HAVE A LITTLE ADVENTURE.
HEY.
YOU ALWAYS HEAR ABOUT THIS PLACE, BUT WHO EVER COMES HERE? NOT ME! Both: [ Chuckling .]
UNTIL TONIGHT.
I MEAN, I-I'M HERE WITH A FRIEND.
YOU KNOW, GAY FRIEND.
YOU KNOW, JUST A FRIEND.
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL, ACTUALLY.
WE HAVE THIS KIND OF FOREIGN EXCHANGE PROGRAMME.
I TAKE HIM TO FOOTBALL GAMES AND BEER BUSTS, AND HE TAKES ME TO THE OPERA, AND WINE-TASTING.
YEAH.
[ Chuckling .]
SO, WHY DON'T WE ALL GO FOR A DRINK? SAFETY IN NUMBERS.
[ Stammering .]
I, UH I'M A LITTLE BEAT.
I WAS ON MY WAY HOME.
OH, WELL, SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW, STICK AROUND HERE TOO LONG, YOU MIGHT WIND UP SWITCHING TEAMS! [ Forced laughter .]
I LOST HIM.
FUCK! THIS IS MY FRIEND, BRIAN.
BRIAN, THIS IS TRACY UM, YOU KNOW.
FROM THE STORE.
TRACY.
OF COURSE.
FROM THE STORE.
HE TALKS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.
HE DOES? I MEAN, ALL THE TIME.
OKAY! [ Chuckling .]
TIME TO GO.
WHAT'S THE RUSH? SHE'S EVEN PRETTIER THAN YOU SAID MIKE! YOU KNOW, HE'D NEVER TELL YOU THIS HIMSELF.
HE'S FAR TOO SHY.
HE LIKES YOU.
A LOT.
WELL, UH Michael: I THINK IT'S TIME WE TOOK OFF.
UH, BYE, TRACY.
I'LL JUST SEE YOU MONDAY.
YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR? YOU PRACTICALLY GOT US ENGAGED.
WELL I WANT TO DANCE WITH THE BRIDE AT HER WEDDING.
[ Slapping of pants .]
AND TRACY TOO.
OH SHIT.
BY THE WAY, WHERE'D MICHAEL GO? WHAT TIME IS IT? TIME FOR BABYLON.
NIGHT'S JUST STARTING.
WELL THAT'S JUST WHERE WE'RE GOING.
YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE? SURE.
A LOT! Vic: REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD KIDDIE MEMBERSHIPS.
YOU HAVE TO BE A MEMBER? CAN'T GET IN WITHOUT A CARD.
[ Sighing .]
Vic: HERE.
YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
I'M THROUGH WITH IT.
HE'S PAID HIS DUES.
THANKS! ???? [ Dance .]
Bouncer: I.
D.
? Justin: UH, RIGHT HERE.
BORN 1952? YOU LOOK DAMN GOOD FOR YOUR AGE, VIC.
???? [ Dance .]
YOU WANNA GO? WHAT FOR? WE JUST GOT HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON.
[ Brian .]
JESUS.
AH! WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU ACTUALLY HAD TO GO? FIND A SCAT QUEEN.
GROSS.
YOUR MA NEVER TEACH YOU TO WASH YOUR HANDS? [ Snorting .]
[ Grunting .]
CAREFUL, IT'S STRONG.
[ Snorting deeply .]
[ Chuckling .]
NICE.
I GOT IT FROM TOMMY HAGGER.
HE CAN GET ANYTHING.
HE GOT ME THAT "SUPERMAN" EPISODE WITH GEORGE REEVES, THE ONLY ONE EVER SHOT IN COLOR.
IT'S SO ANCIENT YOU CAN EVEN SEE THE STRINGS.
OH, DID I TELL YOU WHAT I GOT ON E-BAY? A VINTAGE MEGO, LYNDA CARTER, WONDER WOMAN DOLL.
MINT, IN BOX.
IT COST ME AN ENTIRE WEEK'S SALARY, BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT.
[ Chuckling .]
MIKEY, YOU ARE SO PATHETIC.
[ Inhaling .]
I ALSO GOT THAT PHOTO; THE ONE OF PATRICK SWAYZE WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.
REALLY? IT MUST BE ALL YELLOW BY NOW.
CUM STAINS ALL OVER IT.
HE'S STILL BEAUTIFUL.
WE OWE IT ALL TO HIM.
WE SHOULD WRITE HIM A FAN LETTER.
I DID.
NO! [ Chuckling .]
REALLY? WHEN? A LONG TIME AGO.
WHAT DID YOU SAY? I DON'T REMEMBER.
"MY FRIEND AND I THINK YOU'RE SO HOT!" HE NEVER WROTE BACK.
[ Chuckling .]
FUCK HIM.
YOU STILL GOT ME.
[ Chuckling .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? [ Nervous chuckle .]
NOTHING.
IT MUST BE THE TRAIL MIX.
YEAH.
MUST BE.
[ Snort .]
COME ON.
LET'S GO BACK.
???? [ Dance .]
COME ON.
GO UP THE STAIRS, OVER THERE.
LET'S CHECK OUT THE BAR.
MAYBE THAT GUY YOU MADE ME LOSE IS THERE.
I DIDN'T MAKE YOU LOSE HIM.
TIME TO ORGANIZE A SEARCH PARTY.
WHO'S MISSING? KATSUO! I WAS TALKING TO DUNGEONMASTER DON, WHO WANTS TO MUMMIFY ME.
HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT THE WORLD'S GETTING WEIRDER? ANYWAY, I TURNED AROUND AND HE WAS GONE.
I HAVE A FEELING HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
HE DOESN'T SPEAK A WORD A-AND HE'S SO SWEET, SO INNOCENT.
WHAT IF SOME COCK-HUNGRY QUEEN TRIES TO HAVE HIS WAY WITH HIM? I THOUGHT YOU ALREADY DID.
Michael: HE'S AROUND SOMEWHERE.
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND HIM.
THANKS.
TARGET SIGHTED.
ALL SYSTEMS GO.
SEE YOU LATER, MIKEY.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING? GOOD, GLAD TO HEAR IT.
Ted: HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? AH, NO COMPLAINTS, THANKS.
HEY, UH, CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK? YEAH, I'LL TAKE A BEER.
[ Giggling .]
OH, IT'S YOU.
OH, FUCK YOU! WHAT ARE YOU ON? NOTHING! A LITTLE OF BRIAN'S MIX.
ANY LUCK? OH, I'M HEADING FOR AN ALL-TIME SEASON RECORD.
EIGHT STRAIGHT, ACTUALLY, MAKE THAT NOT-SO-STRAIGHT, NO-HITTERS.
BLAKE JUST WINKED AT YOU.
HE'S GOT SOME CRYSTAL METH IN HIS EYE.
Michael: HE DID IT AGAIN! I TOLD YOU, HE LIKES YOU! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND ASK HIM TO DANCE? 'CAUSE HE'LL JUST SAY, "COME BACK WHEN YOU GET A HAIR TRANSPLANT AND SOME LIPOSUCTION.
" YOU DO NOT NEED A HAIR TRANSPLANT AND LIPOSUCTION.
BESIDES, NOBODY WOULD BE THAT CRUEL TO YOU, EXCEPT MAYBE YOURSELF.
YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.
OH, COME ON.
IT'S TOO EARLY! YEAH, OR TOO LATE, DEPENDING WHICH SIDE OF THE DANCE FLOOR YOU HAPPEN TO BE STANDING ON.
WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY GOING AFTER, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE WELL, LIKE LIKE YOU, AND NOT SOMEONE YOUNG AND CUTE? THANKS.
THAT'S NOT HOW I MEANT IT! HELL, I SHOULD TALK.
I CAN'T GET ANY- BODY INTERESTED IN ME EITHER.
YEAH, BUT YOU COULD IF YOU WANTED.
[ Sighing .]
YOU'RE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW, MICHAEL.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
LOOK! THERE HE IS.
THERE'S BRIAN.
SHIT! Blake: DIDN'T WANT TO DANCE? OH, UH YEAH, I'M NOT MUCH OF A DANCER.
ALTHOUGH, I-I ENJOY DANCING.
I-I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE ASKING YOU TAKING OFF? YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES IT JUST, UH UH, IT GETS A LITTLE TOO INTENSE? INTENSE, YEAH.
THAT'S HEH! THAT'S A GOOD WORD.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
SOMETIMES IT GETS A LITTLE TOO INTENSE IN THERE FOR ME TOO.
YOU GOING HOME? DO YOU WANT SOME COMPANY? WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S IT'S IT'S A LITTLE LATE.
AND UH.
SURE.
ARE YOU SURE? SURE I MEAN, I-IF YOU'RE SURE? [ Laughing .]
I'M SURE.
[ Stammering .]
I'M, UH WELL THEN.
[ Laughing .]
[ Chuckling .]
???? [ Dance .]
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? KANE.
KANE.
KANE! KANE! [ Ringing of telephone .]
HELLO? HOW DO YOU SAY "TACKY LITTLE COCKSUCKER" IN JAPANESE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? Lindsay: IT'S OKAY, SWEETIE.
WHO WAS THAT? EMMETT.
I THINK HE JUST FOUND OUT WHATKANEMEANS.
[ Crying of baby .]
OH.
I'M SORRY I WOKE YOU, AND THE BABY.
I KNOW YOU NEED YOUR REST.
I WAS UP ANYWAY.
YOU WERE? SO WAS I.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS I SAID.
NO, I SHOULD'VE STOOD UP TO HIM.
I SHOULD'VE.
NO, IT WAS BEST TO BE PRACTICAL.
I MEAN, THIS WAY, GUS [ Shuddering .]
HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET USED TO THAT NAME? MAY KEEP HIS FORESKIN BUT STILL BE PROVIDED FOR.
LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO'S RIGHT.
WE CAN'T ALLOW BRIAN TO COME BETWEEN US, AS MUCH AS HE'D LIKE TO.
AND YOU KNOW HE WOULD.
EVEN IF HE IS THE FATHER, WE'RE STILL THE PARENTS.
YOU AND ME.
GUS BELONGS TO US.
THAT'S WHY WE HAD HIM.
WHY YOU HAD HIM.
ASIDE FROM SAYING "PUSH" AND "BREATHE," I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH TO DO WITH IT.
YOU HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD HIM WITHOUT YOU.
JUST REMEMBER THAT, NEXT TIME YOU'RE WONDERING WHO COMES FIRST.
OH.
???? [ Dance .]
YOU KNOW, THE WORST PART IS NOT THAT HE WAS UNFAITHFUL, OR EVEN A SLUT.
I MEAN, NOBODY'S PERFECT.
IT'S THAT HE SAID HE LOVED ME.
I MEAN, HELIEDTO ME! HOW COULD HE LIE TO YOU? HE DOESN'T LOOK, I'M THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU THAT.
I'M SORRY.
MY OWN FAULT.
WHY DO I ALWAYS GIVE MY HEART AWAY TO TRASH, HUH? BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE IT IN THE DUMPSTER? HE'S NOT GETTING AWAY THIS TIME.
[ Jingling of keys .]
[ Chuckling .]
IT'S A NICE PLACE.
YOU OWN IT? OH, ABSOLUTELY.
YOU KNOW, YOUR HOME IS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT INVESTMENT.
IT'S WHAT WE TELL OUR CLIENTS.
DO YOU WANT A A BEER, OR SOME SCOTCH? NO, JUST SOME WATER.
I DON'T DRINK.
WELL, UH, TAKE OFF YOUR JACKET.
I-I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HERE YOU GO.
THANKS.
[ Sighing .]
[ Chuckling .]
YOU'RE SEXY, YOU KNOW THAT? [ Sighing .]
YEAH FRANKLY, NO.
THAT'S WHY YOU ARE.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOU ARE.
WELL, I DO KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
???? [ Dance .]
BASTARD.
HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY.
Daphne: LOOK, HE'S GOT SOMEONE.
HOLD IT.
YOU'RE NOT GOING? NO WAY.
WHAT IS THAT? IT'S GHB.
YOU EVER USE IT? ONCE IN A WHILE.
SEX IS AWESOME WITH IT.
YOU FIRST.
AH GO ON.
[ Clicking of tongue/chuckling .]
WHOA-WHOA- WHOA-WHOA! I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
HE'S NOT! HE CAN'T! HE CAN.
Emmett: HOW DOES HE DO IT? WHAT DOES HE SAY? WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
BUT WHATEVER IT IS, HE SAYS IT FOR ALL OF US.
HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH.
IS HE GONNA DO IT WITH BOTHOF THEM? HE CAN DO ANY- THING HE WANTS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ?? 'CAUSE EVERY TIME HE PULLS ME NEAR ?? ?? I JUST WANNA CHEER ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY ?? ?? LET'S GIVE THE BOY A HAND ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BABY ?? ?? OH, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND ?? ?? WHOA-OH, OH, MAYBE HE'S NO ROMEO ?? ?? BUT HE'S MY LOVIN' ONE-MAN SHOW ?? ?? WHOA, WHOA-OH-OH ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY ?? ?? MY BABY MAY NOT BE RICH ?? ?? HE'S WATCHIN' EVERY DIME ?? ?? BUT HE LOVES ME, LOVES ME, LOVES ME ?? ?? WE ALWAYS HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME ?? ?? AND MAYBE HE SINGS OFF-KEY ?? ?? WELL THAT'S ALL RIGHT BY ME ?? ?? 'CAUSE WHEN HE DOES, HE DOES SO WELL ?? ?? IT MAKES ME WANNA YELL ?? WHAT'S THAT BOY DOING? ?? LET'S GIVE THE BOY A HAND ?? Blake: OH GOD! STOP! Ted: [ Gagging .]
OH MY GOD, STOP! MY GOD, STOP! TED! OH MY GOD.
[ Choking .]
TED! ?? 'CAUSE WHEN HE DOES, HE DOES SO WELL ?? ?? IT MAKES ME WANNA YELL ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY ?? ?? LET'S GIVE THE BOY A HAND ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BABY ?? ?? OH, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND ?? ?? WHOA-OH, OH, MAYBE HE'S NO ROMEO ?? ?? BUT HE'S MY LOVIN' ONE-MAN SHOW ?? ?? WHOA, WHOA-OH-OH ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BABY ?? ?? WHOA! LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY MAN ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY ?? ?? OH, LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BABY ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BABY ?? ?? WHOO-OO ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY MAN ?? ?? WHOA, LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY MAN ?? ?? LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BABY ??