Roseanne s01e03 Episode Script

rOSEANNE: hold still, d.
j.
it itches.
i just gotta finish cutting off this one ear here.
mom! okay, go take your flea bath.
let me wipe you off.
ooh-hoo-hoo.
- hey, you look good, scissor head.
- thanks.
ha! roseanne, listen to this.
"utah housewife stabs husband 37 times.
" i admire her restraint.
so what time you want me back here? our reservation's for 7:30.
you gonna get dan into a tie and out to a fancy restaurant? tonight is the night.
a romantic evening of dining and dancing.
you're gonna get him to dance? if i have to bust both his legs.
hey, babe i'm home.
hello, my adoring spouse.
hi, dan.
you want a beer? - oh, yeah.
- me too.
why don't you grab a couple out of the fridge there? - what's for dinner? - oh, you've gotta be joking.
'cause if you're serious, you're dead.
what are you talking about? does a candlelight dinner for two ring any bells there? oh, no, date night! very good, mr.
psychic.
- are you sure it's tonight? - yes, dan, it's tonight.
we can't put it off till the weekend? no, dan, it's tonight.
but, honey, it's tuesday.
oh, that's right, dan, i forgot, restaurants don't serve married couples on tuesday nights.
and i suppose we got a sitter.
you betcha.
i just gotta run by the mall and take back this blouse.
you can't take that back.
you already wore it once.
i only needed it once.
it's clean.
so you want me back here at 7:00, right? - that's 7:00 tonight.
- yes, i know.
- oh, you're tired, honey? - yeah, i'm beat.
well, i'll tell you what, why don't you go up in the bedroom and slip off your shoes, and then go sink into a nice, hot tub oh, thanks, babe.
then slap on a tie, 'cause we're going out.
a tie? since when is there a dress code at jimmy's laughing steer? well, we're not going to jimmy's laughing steer.
we're going to the lanford inn.
whoa, whoa, that's a little steep, honey.
we can't afford that.
well it's two for one tuesday at the lanford inn- coupon.
guess this means i gotta shave.
only your legs, hot stuff.
mom, you're doing that all wrong.
i know, honey, but that's the way your daddy likes it.
no.
see, first you apply it to the apple of your cheek.
then you blend it down your cheekbone.
well, that's how the famous models do it in europe.
roseanne, where's jackie? i give up, dan.
where is jackie? listen, i didn't put on no tie to eat meatloaf, see? i can baby-sit.
well, you won't have to.
she'll show up.
- well, what if she doesn't? - she will.
honey, get away from here and give me all that stuff, would you? move.
- mom, i'm 13.
- you're too young.
cindy clark's mother let her baby-sit when she was nine.
well, cindy clark's mom is a drunken slut.
dad, tell her i can do it.
honey, your mom's right.
you're too young.
darn, i hope aunt jackie gets here! if-if she doesn't come, we'll have to stay home.
you know, if aunt jackie doesn't show up, - you can go right ahead and baby-sit.
- thanks, mom.
don't put my shoes on, honey.
please move.
move, honey, move.
ooh, sexy! what is that? '55 t-bird? '39 packard.
ooh, i got myself one heck of a hot date here.
yeah? is he bigger than me? well, you do look pretty cute, except for one thing.
- ugh! - roseanne, you broke my tie! wear the real one.
aw, nah.
you know, if memory serves me correctly, i believe they have a dance floor there at the lanford inn.
huh-uh.
no way, babe.
you know i don't dance.
why? you used to dance all the time.
yeah, well, that's when i knew all the steps.
well, dan, why is it when a woman gets married and puts a ring on a guy's finger, his feet stop moving? it cuts off the circulation.
just one slow dance? rosie, you know i'd like to go dancing with my special girl every night of the week.
special girl? who is she? oh, i know, it's that bimbo at the supermarket with the fluorescent fingernails.
roseanne, i promise, you're the only bimbo in my life.
aunt jackie's not here.
you ready to leave? okay, becky, you get to baby-sit.
all right, i'm in charge! - yeah, all right! - settle down, settle down.
- what are the rules? - don't open the door for anybody.
right.
and what if somebody calls? don't tell them you're not home.
- right.
what do you say? - you can't come to the phone right now.
- right.
d.
j.
? - 9-1-1.
good boy.
what else? no stove, no matches, no flames, no fire.
- come on, babe, let's get a move on.
- okay.
mom, if becky has a heart attack, i'm in charge, right? right.
bye.
mom, if darlene has a heart attack, i'm in charge.
right, d.
j.
, if both your sisters are dead, you're in charge.
yay.
dad, cindy clark's mom pays her $2 an hour to baby-sit.
well, cindy clarke's mom is a rich drunken slut.
- bye-bye.
- good night.
- good night.
- good night.
stay out of our dresser drawers! hi.
dinner reservation for conner.
sure.
this way.
watch your step, grandma.
- this is charles.
he'll be your waiter.
- hi, charles.
i'm roseanne and this is dan, and we'll be your customers.
oh, i get it.
- oh, hold on.
allow me.
- roseanne, what are you doing? i'm being romantic.
park it.
so, charles, are you a student? um, no, i'm a waiter.
that would've been my second guess.
would you like something to drink? yeah, i want something with an umbrella in it.
something tropical.
sir? uh, may i see your wine list, please? ooh, tres gallant.
and i'll have a beer while we're waiting.
yes, sir, i'll get those and be right back.
- pretty nice place.
- yeah.
it's nice going to a restaurant that don't have a drive-through.
this ain't so bad.
- yeah.
- glad i shaved.
- dan? - yes? would you do something for me? honey, i'd do anything for you.
- dance with me.
- except that.
i knew it, you liar.
- hey - what? don't look now, but isn't that patsy? oh, i told you not to look.
well, how can i tell if it's patsy if i don't look? well, look, but don't look look.
rOSEANNE: that's her, isn't it? - yeah, but that ain't bob.
- no kidding.
- who do you suppose it is? - oh, come on, it's so obvious that's her lover.
- can you believe she brought him here? - they probably got a coupon.
when i have an affair, i always go to the no-tell motel.
- me too.
- i've never seen you there.
- oh, i'm there all the time.
- me too.
- maybe we should carpool.
- here she comes.
- oh, dan, look, it's patsy! - roseanne, dan, hi! - dAN: patsy! - hi, patsy.
well, i haven't seen you since the paris' barbecue last summer.
that's right.
where's bob? oh, i guess you don't know.
bob and i got divorced.
- oh, sorry to hear that.
- well, you know, these things happen.
- are you okay, patsy? - pATSY: oh, yeah.
i mean, i wish things could've been different, but bob just couldn't handle my going to college.
get out of here.
you ain't going to college.
sure, that was always the plan.
once the kids were gone, i was going to school.
but the time came and bob said i couldn't go, and i said, "bye.
" - well, it's his loss.
- pATSY: oh, thanks.
oh, listen.
i'd better get back to my date.
it's been great seeing you.
- take care.
- yeah, take it easy, kid.
bye.
boy, that's a shame about bob and patsy.
yeah, it really is.
she seems to be handling it pretty good, though.
dan, she is a shattered woman.
and why? i bet you bob refused to dance with her.
humph.
i just can't figure it out.
they were always hugging and kissing.
yeah, you mean like at that barbecue, where she was sitting in that lawn chair and running her fingers through what was left of his hair? yeah, like that.
yeah, well, get real.
they were doomed.
what are you talking about? well, you know, all that lovey-dovey crap was a dead giveaway.
it's fighting that keeps a marriage together.
boy, if that's true, you and me will be together forever.
don't count on it, lover boy.
i got plenty of reasons to dump you.
- name one.
- you're a compulsive list maker.
- name two.
- shut up.
boy, if anybody's got grounds for divorce, it's me.
oh, yeah? like what? like you using my razor to shave your legs.
well, let me pack up my bags and leave in shame.
go ahead and laugh.
that'll hold up in any court in the country.
not after i tell that jury that you hang your dirty underwear up on the doorknob.
- oh, yeah? - yeah.
wait till i tell them that you've never once accompanied me to the annual lanford subcontractor's beer bash and softball game.
you wouldn't.
so, you're gonna divorce me, huh? not on your luckiest day, which you couldn't make it through without me anyways.
close your eyes and count to three.
well, you know what? if you ever even thought about it, i'd have you hung up by your toes and tortured with bizarre liquid household products.
- oh, yeah? - yeah.
- well, i'd- - you'd what? - i'd- - you'd what? i'd leave you the kids.
you wouldn't.
all three of 'em.
- i wouldn't take 'em.
- neither would i.
i'd give 'em to jackie.
hell, even i don't hate her that much.
- what are you doing? - making popcorn.
mom said we're not allowed to use the stove, remember? i'm not gonna use the stove.
well, what are you gonna do? eat it out of the pan? no, i'm gonna take it outside and wait for a bolt of lightning to hit it.
here.
- thanks, deej.
- what's that for? we're gonna make popcorn.
with a heating pad? - darlene said it would work.
- oh, yeah? hey, mom didn't say anything against heating pads.
- yeah.
- go right ahead, but it won't work.
you sit right here and hold this here till it starts popping.
i know that.
don't say mom and dad aren't here.
i know that.
hello? um, they can't come to the phone right now.
um, they're in the shower.
yeah, yeah.
yeah, both of 'em.
oh, about two more hours.
yeah, okay.
thanks.
bye.
who was that? i don't know.
hold it! i'll get the door.
darlene, unplug that thing.
ask who it is.
i know that, d.
j.
- who is it? - wOMAN: it's me.
- me who? - aunt jackie.
open the door.
- but how do we know it's really you? - yeah.
if you don't open the door, you're gonna find out it's really me.
we're not supposed to open the door for anybody.
- becky, i mean it.
- you're late.
yeah, you were supposed to be here at 7:00.
where have you been? i had to go to the store and return a blouse.
- oh, all right.
- yeah, it's her.
just open the door! can't.
i know how to get into this house.
- no, you don't.
- okay, fine.
i got better things to do than baby-sit the three little pigs.
you're on your own.
aunt jackie? - back door.
- aLL: yeah.
- do you see her? - shh.
i think i hear her.
- where? - shh.
ahh! i called.
everything's fine.
dopey finally showed up.
great.
now, where's chuck? ah, relax.
he'll be back in a minute.
i want some more coffee.
i'm gonna go get it.
- roseanne, sit down.
- oh, it's okay.
i'll be right back.
coffee? hey, there, good-looking.
what about a warm-up, huh? - hit me, trixie.
- ooh.
i'm a little behind.
oh, that's okay, chuck.
hey, she wants the decaf.
thanks.
- you know, rosie, i've been thinking.
- don't do that.
no, i've been thinking about all the couples we know.
almost all of 'em are divorced.
well, maybe we should try it too.
- maybe we should.
- okay.
there, we're divorced, master.
thanks, jeannie.
ah.
well, what are you gonna do? the first thing i'm gonna do is, i'm gonna go dancing.
yeah, then what? well, i guess with all that big-time child support i'm getting from you, i'm gonna enroll the kids in one of them fancy swiss boarding schools and then with all that alimony, i guess i'll quit my job and just lay around and watch the soap operas on my brand-new big screen tv.
what you gonna do? oh, hell, i guess the kids are gone.
i'll come over to your place and watch football.
yeah, over my pit bull's dead body.
i just wanted to say good night and give you my new number.
oh, great.
i'll call you.
great.
- and i also wanted to say thanks.
- rOSEANNE: what for? well, you probably don't know it, but you're the one who inspired me to go to college.
- she did? - oh, yeah.
patsy, are you trying to pin your divorce on me? no, i pin that on bob.
anyway, do you remember the barbecue? you told me how you were gonna be a writer, and you had all these dreams and plans, and nothing was gonna stop you.
- yeah, i do remember that.
- well, it got me to thinking.
if nothing's gonna stop roseanne, then nothing's gonna stop me.
i just wanted to tell you that.
well, i'm glad i could help.
well, phil's waiting.
i gotta go.
- it was great seeing you.
- great seeing you too, patsy.
- take care, patsy.
- bye.
well, you and patsy must have had some talk at that barbecue.
yeah, you men missed it.
you were all off talking about the proper way of stacking charcoal briquettes.
rosie, you never told me you still thought about writing.
yeah, i think about that, and i think about traveling, you know.
there's lots of stuff i still wanna do.
oh.
- does that bother you? - no.
well, i mean, you've got a lot of stuff you wanna still do too, right? - sure.
- well.
well, i mean, you know, what if what you wanna do isn't what- what i wanna do? well, we will work it out somehow.
well, what if we can't? i mean, you wouldn't pull no patsy on me, would you? - you mean, walk out? - yeah.
dan, i'm here 'cause i wanna be here.
i'm not going no place.
i love you.
yeah, what about down the line? well, we don't know what's gonna happen, but whatever would happen, we will work it out together.
yeah, i guess so.
oh, face it, this marriage is like a life sentence with no hope for parole.
wanna dance? i thought you'd never ask.
ahh.
oh, look at that.
aren't they cute? i wonder if we could get hold of an all-night taxidermist.
don't turn it off.
you'll wake 'em up.
should we take the kids upstairs? you wanna carry 'em up there? - no.
do you? - no.
let's go to bed.
i really had fun.
me too.
sure hope i can see you again.
well, you can't, 'cause i'm happily married and madly in love with my husband.
is he bigger than me? must be a lucky guy.
yeah, he better not ever forget it, either.