The King of Queens s01e03 Episode Script

- Morning, Dad.
- Good morning.
Guess what I made.
Like old times, huh? You.
Me.
Toast.
Yeah, we were inseparable.
So, darling, you wait here, I'll go butter this up for you reaI nice.
Give me 15 minutes.
I'm sorry, Dad, I cannot be late for work.
I'm new there, remember? Oh, Miss Big-DeaI-LegaI-Secretary, works in Manhattan now.
You know what toast costs over there now? Ten dollars.
And if you don't tip, they spit in it.
Then I'll tip.
I'm just gonna have some coffee.
- Hey, slugger, check it out.
- What's that? It's your new mitt.
I broke it in for the softball game tonight.
Actually, it happened by accident.
I fell asleep on it.
Honey, you're gonna kill me, I can't make it.
My boss has a really big triaI coming up, and he wants me to stay late tonight.
No, we need you at the game.
Come on, none of the guys can curse as good as you.
Honey, I know.
But I will be at next week's game, with a lot of new mother references.
Really hurtfuI, uncalled-for stuff, all right? - Okay.
- All right.
Bye.
Bye, Daddy.
Dad? Oh, sorry.
I was just remembering a little girI with pigtails and braces on her teeth, telling me, "I made the bestest toast ever.
" All right, just give me the freaking toast.
Okay? Thank you.
Bye.
Will you forget about it? It's over.
Man, I thought if there was one team we'd beat this year, it'd be Crabtree & Evelyn.
Well, this guy didn't help matters much.
Hey, what-? What do you guys want from me? You know, I'm allergic to dirt, grass, bases and Gatorade.
You guys are lucky I'm alive.
Look, look, let's just all agree we all sucked tonight.
- Hey, I'm in.
- Yeah, we'll kick some ass next week.
Who we playing, Moose? - City Tech.
- Who's that? Female security guards.
Hey, Doug.
Some guy in a really nice car just pulled into your driveway.
- Yeah, it's called a U-turn.
- No, I don't think so.
- Your wife's getting out.
- Really? Oh, that's a Jaguar she's stepping out of, my friend.
XJ8.
Top of the line.
Yeah, I test-drove one of those babies.
And yet, you went with the '82 Corolla.
Hey, Doug, it's pretty damn nice of you, letting Carrie date other guys and all.
Yeah, you're very funny.
Very funny.
All right, come on, back to your assigned seats.
Let's go.
GirI in the clubhouse.
You guys had your cootie shots? - Yeah, right.
- Hi.
How was the game? Oh, everyone sucked, not just me.
Good for you, Spence.
So did you have a good day? Honey, great day.
What, did you get some kind of, like, a lift home or something? Yeah, from Evan, my boss.
In a Jaguar.
Honey, you should get me one of those.
I'll see you upstairs.
Bye, guys.
- See you later, Carrie.
- All right.
Well, sounds like she's got a nice boss, you know? That's a good thing, because a lot of bosses, not nice.
You know, a lot of not-nice bosses out there.
I say given the choice between not nice, nice, it's always better- Stop the staring! - Hey.
- Hey, help me out.
I have to be in court with Evan.
What do you think? This or this? I like them both.
They both suck.
Honey, the women in Manhattan dress so nice, I look like I'm from Arkansas.
Oh, guess what.
There's this really famous cello player from China, Li Fong something.
Anyway, he's throwing a big concert next week in the city, and the firm got all these tickets, and Evan gave his to me.
So if you play your cards right, I'll let you go with me.
There's always room for cello.
You call him Evan, huh? Your boss.
You just call him Evan? Well, that's his name.
No, no, I know, I know.
I mean It's just that, you know, my boss has been there six years, and it's still "Supervisor O'Boyle.
" So you just walk around all day calling each other Evan.
Well, he doesn't call me Evan.
We'd get a little confused.
I know, I know, I know.
I just- You know.
Anyway, sounds like a great guy, right? I mean, partner in a big New York law firm, giving his secretary free tickets, driving her all the way home to Queens in his fancy Jaguar.
You don't see a lot of that.
Honey, if he didn't drive me home, how else would we have sex in his car? That's not funny.
Come on, you're being stupid.
He's just being a nice guy.
Oh, so he's just being nice, then.
Did he give the cleaning guy a ride home too? - No.
- No.
So, now, is he nice or not nice? I'm a little confused here.
He lives on the Island, we're on his way.
- What, you don't trust me? - Of course I trust you.
It's just, you don't really know this Evan guy, or how he operates.
"Oh, Miss Heffernan, can you work late with me tonight on this big legaI case? I spilled Liquid Paper all over your blouse.
Why don't you shimmy it off, and I'll wash it.
" That's a really lame fantasy.
You gotta start watching more porno.
- You know what I mean.
- What? Come on, honey.
He's just being a nice guy.
Now, listen, I have a really great job, and it's going well.
And I want you to be happy for me, all right? All right.
All right.
You know, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's all right.
I'm gonna go wash up.
I'll meet you in bed, okay, Evan? Excuse me.
Hey.
Hi.
I'm trying to find Carrie Heffernan.
Oh, she's in Mr Lazar's office.
I thought everyone called him Evan.
Doug! Honey, what are you doing here? I felt bad about being such an idiot last night.
I thought I'd drive in and see if you wanna have some lunch.
Oh, my God, that is so sweet.
Of course I do.
Oh, look, honey! This is my desk.
It's pretty swanky, huh? I like it.
Oh, look at this.
I even got you something for it.
"World's Greatest Golfer.
" That's all they had in the gift shop downstairs.
No, no, no, it's good.
Now I have a goaI, right? Honey, this is so sweet of you.
I'll make a quick copy, then we can go.
- All right, I'll grab the elevator.
- Okay, honey.
Hey.
Hello.
I couldn't help noticing that woman in there in your office with you.
Is she your assistant? - Yes.
Yes, she is.
- Yeah.
She's quite a looker.
I suppose, yeah.
- She married? - Yes.
I hate that! Hate it.
But you know what? A guy like you, you probably don't even worry about that kind of thing, huh? - So, what are you getting at? - I'm just saying, you know, working with her every day, you gotta be thinking about a little: Hello, Montana! - Yeah! - Now, now, now, listen.
No, come on, truth now.
You gonna go for it? You're gonna go for it, my man! Come on.
All right, that is enough! That woman is a fine employee and a good person.
She deserves better than to be objectified and leered at by someone like you.
I just wish her husband was here to punch your face in.
Moose.
Moose.
I'm hungry.
Who am I, your mother? Go inside and make a sandwich.
It's too far.
I wish the TV were made of cheese.
You know, that's actually possible.
- Get out of here.
- It is.
I mean, you couldn't make it out of Brie.
But, like, a harder cheese, like a Stilton or an aged Gorgonzola.
Absolutely.
Could you make a VCR out of crackers? For God's sake, you're missing the point.
If you went to the trouble of making a TV out of cheese, you'd have to make a commitment not to eat it.
Then why would you make it out of cheese in the first place? I can't talk to you.
What do you think, Deac? I think, why am I here instead of with my wife and child? And here comes the Jag, right on schedule.
Oh, looks like Evan got it detailed.
All right.
Come on, guys.
Did he get a haircut? I like it.
I'm not sure.
I think he just put something in it.
- I think he's using mousse, Moose.
- All right, you know what? It's agreed.
He's got a beautifuI car and a fine head of hair, all right? Get away from the window, will you? Why do you have to spoiI the one new thing in our life? Yeah, man, you've been in a funky mood all night.
If you're still worried about Carrie and her boss, just talk to her about it.
I'm not worried about that.
I met Evan today, and trust me, he's fine.
- How do you know? - I know.
I practically begged him to have sex with her, and nothing.
What are you all wound up about? I don't know.
I don't know.
- Hey, guys.
Hi! - Hey.
Hi! Honey, don't forget, cello concert tomorrow night.
- You excited? - Oh, I am.
I- - I'll see you upstairs.
- Love you.
- Bye, guys.
- Okay.
Bye-bye.
What is wrong with me? I should be happy, you know? I mean, Carrie's got a great new job, her boss is not hitting on her, but still there is something that's bothering me, and I can't figure out what it is.
Perhaps it's this: Perhaps you wish that your originaI suspicions had been confirmed.
If this Evan was just some creep hitting on your wife, you could've done something about that.
But now what you're faced with is a more complex problem.
You're realizing that Carrie is immersed in a seductive world full of bright, dynamic people, a world you can't possibly compete with.
And that frightens the hell out of you.
Yeah, that's it.
Li Fong Honey, honey.
How do you pronounce X-I-A-U-A? - What are you doing? - I'm trying to figure out how to say this guy's name so I don't sound like such a mook at the concert.
"Hey, this guy on the cello's pretty good over here.
" You know? Before you hurt yourself there, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I'm thinking, you know, maybe we need to take a pass on this cello thing.
What? What are you talking about? Well, for starters, we'll be missing a softball game.
- So it's one game, hon.
- Plus the one you already missed.
I mean, people on the team, they're starting to grumble.
There's a whole lot of internaI politics I've been shielding you from.
All right, honey, what is your problem? Are you still on the Evan thing? No, it's not about Evan.
It's about you, you know? Since you got this new job, I think it's gone to your head.
- What? Shut up.
- Come on, think about it.
First, you didn't want to eat your father's toast.
Right? Then your clothes aren't good enough for you.
Now it's this weird obsession with the cello.
I mean, what's next, bottled water? Tea? Okay, you know what, honey? You gotta spend less time in the garage.
Between the fumes and those friends of yours, you're losing brain cells.
Come on.
We both know what this is about.
You're trying to impress your little fancy friends at work.
"Oh, I saw a guy play the cello.
Accept me as one of your own.
" Maybe I like listening to cello music, all right? - You ever think of that? - Yeah, okay.
- What's your favourite cello song? - Okay, let me think.
How about "Bite Me"? That is so not a song.
Well, you are being such an idiot.
At least I'm an idiot who fulfils his commitment to the Queens County LeveI C co-ed slow-pitch softball league.
And now we're playing softball tomorrow night.
No, you will be playing softball tomorrow.
I will be doing something I enjoy, which is listening to the music of the world's greatest cellist, Li Fong I don't know! Yeah, well, say it, don't spray it.
How you doing? What's that you're wearing? Softball uniform.
Just more comfortable? Playing softball.
Oh, that worked out well.
Where's Carrie? She went to a cello concert.
Oh, fancy.
Listen, Arthur, can I ask you a question? Sure.
All right, now be honest.
When I first married Carrie, was there a small part of you that felt that maybe, I don't know, that I wasn't good enough for her? Hey, it was a wedding.
I'd had a few drinks.
When I said those things, I had no idea I was speaking to your mother.
- No, I know, I just- - She was nodding.
Agreeing with me, for God's sakes! How could I know? Arthur, I'm just Really? My mother? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Bosomy woman, right? Excuse me.
I'm down there.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here? Car, listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and you know what? If this is something you wanna try, I'm with you.
Really? You really mean that? I do, I do.
If we like it, we like it.
If we don't, we don't.
I'm betting we will.
Well, okay.
Thank you.
Oh, here we go.
Okay, all right.
Stop.
Should I get the car? No.
Car, if we leave now, we can still make it by the third inning.
Come on.
Doug, I don't wanna leave.
Come on, you can't possibly be liking this.
You can't possibly be liking this.
Who are you kidding? Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, yeah.
This? Oh, this is great.
Oh, this is so wonderful.
Come on.
I swear to God, I will smack you.
Will you stop? You're embarrassing me.
I'm embarrassing you? I'm embarrassing you? You know what? You're embarrassing me.
Are you insane? Come on.
You can't possibly be liking this.
Tell me, what is so great about this? What is so great about it? Shut up.
I'm sorry.
Carrie, I'm sorry.
I love you.
You can stay or you can leave, I don't care, but just shut up.
Encore! Encore! Doug, are you coming, or what? I don't wanna come.
I wanna sit here and keep thinking about what an idiot I've been.
Well, then I'd give you another few hours, but they're closing the parking garage.
So, what happened to you tonight, Doug? What made you lose your mind? You've been so wrapped up in this new job of yours, with your great new boss and these great people and all this culture stuff.
I don't know, I just got to wondering, you know, why you'd ever want to come home to me.
- What? - No, it's just, you know, you make a good point.
- Thanks.
- Well, what the hell is wrong with you? You think because I take a job on the other side of the river and go to a frigging cello concert, I'm not gonna want to be married to you anymore? No, no, it goes back further than that.
At our wedding, when the priest said, "Do you take this man to be your lawfuI wedded husband," and you said, "Yes," I gotta be honest, I thought you settled.
- All right, this is ridiculous.
- It's not ridiculous.
In case you haven't noticed here, there's a little bit of difference.
You, smart and sexy.
Me, not that smart.
Not that sexy.
Well, if you're so undesirable, how come I think about you in the middle of a meeting at work? And how come you still make me laugh after you tell the same dumb joke for the third time? And how come I can't sleep untiI I know you're Iying next to me? Really, you can't? No.
Then why do you scream when I touch you? Because I'm sleeping.
I'm startled.
I love you.
I love you too.
- So, what did you think of the concert? - I liked it.
Get out of here.
You did not.
I did too.
It was long, but it was good.
It was long.
God, it was long.
Hey, Bernstein! Your mother's a ****! And she likes to **** for $2! And you pitch like you got a **** up your ****! I love you.