Weeds s01e03 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds: She said your check didn't clear.
You don't have any money in your account.
You no pay me last week.
-I'm broke.
-I've been working on setting up a front to launder money.
Could my cover business become my real business? Good luck.
Small business is fucked.
You want weed on credit, leave some collateral.
How about I hold on to that rock? I need more inventory.
-Leave your car instead.
-My car? I'm leasing it.
Then you really gonna want to get it back.
I am so screwed.
This is Janet Yamamoto, live from West Hills.
In the past few days, wildlife officials have been swamped with hundreds of calls from Agrestic residents who have reported seeing a large tan mountain lion.
I haven't seen Chester-- Oh, that's my cat.
--in two days.
I don't know, though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism? Department of Fish and Game officials have been called but they've had no success in capturing the animal.
In the meantime, a dangerous predator roams free.
Agrestic, a community living in fear.
-Back to you in the studio, Joanie.
-Thank you, Janet.
I'm going to the market.
Any requests for dinner? Steak.
You've been sneaking food.
I haven't.
I swear.
Well, then congratulations.
You must be pregnant.
I have to go get dressed for school.
We can't cut into the art program.
Kids need drawing and shit.
No.
Hell, no.
We're not cutting into football for it.
Screw the pansy art fags.
Let them paint banners for the football team.
Kill two birds with-- Hey, I got somebody here.
We'll finish this at the meeting.
Your turn to bring the vodka.
Okay, you too.
Yes, yes, I fucked your wife.
Yes, I fucked your mother.
Okay, bye.
Nancy.
I'm such a fazehead, I totally forgot you were coming.
Don't smoke it all at once.
What? What's wrong? -I'm flush.
-What do you mean, you're flush? I'm cool.
I'm stocked fat.
No needy more weedy.
I only sold you a quarter last week.
You can't have any left, the way you smoke.
I burned through that days ago.
Check this out.
-What is this? -My medical-marijuana card.
I got a note from a clinic doc for 100 bucks.
Went down to the pot store and, mama I was home! It's a weed wonderland, Nancy.
It's like Amsterdam, only better.
You don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.
-See this lollipop? -It isn't? Yes, I'm getting high right now.
You can't even tell.
-How is this possible? -The genius of Prop 215: Medical marijuana for sick people.
And, seriously, who couldn't use a little medicating, right? My friend's friend's friend gave me the address, and I went down there and loaded up.
God, I love California.
I can't wait to tell the poker guys about it.
The one buzz-kill is -you can only buy 8 ounces a visit.
-That's half a pound! Well, they allow you to make two visits a day.
But with all the traffic on the 110, that's practically impossible.
Are you fucking with me? No, no.
It's all true.
I don't kid about my weed.
-I need the address.
-Nance, you're a pot dealer.
Why take advantage of a medical provider when you have connections? -Douglas! -Okay, fine.
As long as you're braving traffic, would you pick up more lollipots for me? Wild cherry.
Hi, there.
Welcome.
I'm Craig X.
And you are at the Bodhi Sativa Caregivers Club.
-How can we care for you? -Hi.
I'm kind of new at this.
A virgin? Don't worry, I'll be gentle on you.
Come on, this way.
First thing you do when you come is check out the big board.
On the board here, we have all the prices and strains.
They do change daily.
Hey, Billy, how's the anxiety? All right.
Cool.
-What was I saying? The big board.
-The big board.
I got spaced.
And on this big board, we got two specials today.
You wanna check out the Grand Daddy Perp.
It's purple.
It's a indica-sativa blend.
The flavor's bellissima.
Second, we got the Here's Johnny, the King of Late Night.
Don't mess with this before the sun goes down.
It'll knock you out.
In the other room, we got clones.
How's it going, Robbie? Arthritis is better.
-Yeah, you know it, man.
-Cool.
-What was I saying? -Clones.
Oh, yeah! You hear that dial tone? My clones are off the hook.
Check this out.
We have the most beautiful clones.
They're $10 apiece, and ours are guaranteed female.
This'll get you started.
And over here we've got the food section.
Hey, Mrs.
Rappaport, nice to see you.
You look beautiful.
We got your sponge cake in back.
Okay, go ahead and get that.
-Thanks.
-She's got diabetes.
We make it with Splenda instead of sugar.
-What was I saying again? -Edibles.
Edibles! Okay, look at all this great stuff.
We have infusions goos, kifs, kif oils, hash oils, hemp oils.
-You look a little overwhelmed.
-Where does all this come from? A combination of our patients themselves and very compassionate farmers.
-Doing God's work.
-And it's all legal? Well, we operate under the guidelines of Health and Safety Code 11362.
5.
Douglas! I just couldn't stay away.
That's the beauty of this place.
You don't have to, man.
Welcome back.
-I love it here so much.
-He's suffering from depression.
Hey, Nance.
Hey, any more Stephen Hawking? -I wanna be wheeled out.
-I'll hook you up.
-Come on, let's go.
-What'd I tell you, Nance? -You sold me shit! -I ain't here to sell you flowers.
Let me rephrase.
You sold me bullshit.
Skank weed.
And I can't move it, and l want a refund.
And I want an ass like Beyoncé's.
Ain't neither of us getting what we want.
I just went to this place, this store, it was like the Whole Foods of pot! Listen to her.
Barbie thinks she discovered the cannabis club.
-Welcome to the party, baby.
-It isn't a party, it's a nightmare.
How can I compete with that? Well, when you figure it out, you let me know.
Fucking weed boutique sent my business off.
How much off again? -Seventeen percent.
-Seventeen percent! What's the world coming to when they legalize weed? Ain't no damn morals left.
So don't come crying to me, because I got my own troubles.
-Anything else you want from me? -I want everything on this list.
Yeah, we got the Blue Mist and the White Widow.
But you gonna have to wait on the OG Cush.
That shit sold out quick.
I can't believe you've been selling me schoolyard crap this whole time.
You get what you ask for.
And you never knew enough to ask for the call brand.
Well, those days are over.
We got ourselves a regular Pablo Escobar up in here.
-What--? What's wrong? -Serious shit calls for serious cash.
And your cash got a sense of humor.
But that's all I got.
Then that's all you get.
You could use that skank to cook -with.
-Then it is skank.
Here, kitty, kitty.
How's your beer, almost out? I'm gonna get another.
Be right back.
So Julie Googel had to give a blow job and she came across this website that teaches girls to deep throat.
Oh, yeah.
Deaf Megan can do that.
Dennis Cling says her mouth is like a Dirt Devil.
Daredevil? No, he's blind, not deaf.
I don't think he sucks dick at all.
He is a superhero.
You're done.
Hey, Megan.
Can you hear me? Megan.
Hey, come on.
Hello? Megan.
Megan.
That's funny.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Shit! What the fuck are you doing?! Man! What kind of crazy bitch are you? I don't think I put enough in the popcorn balls.
You got enough THC in them balls to keep Stevie wondering.
-Thanks for talking me through this.
-Know what? Gives me a real sense of accomplishment working with overprivileged white women.
You entering a whole new level.
We talking about bigger buys.
That means bigger risks, right? Thing is, I like you.
I don't wanna see you end up dead, know what I mean? -Dead? -Relax, I'm just fucking with you.
-Adorable.
-No, seriously, how you doing? -The popcorn's taking forever-- -No, no, no, fuck the popcorn.
-How you doing? -Me? If this doesn't work out, I could end up being the oldest Gap employee -in Southern California, but-- -You a hustler, you'll do just fine.
I wish I shared your confidence.
God! That smells amazing! That means it's ready.
Take it out.
-Now? -Take it out right now! -If you don't take it out, it's gonna burn.
-Bye! Yo.
Shit! Mom, Mom, Mom! I did it! I shot the mountain lion! That's great! Go get ready for bed.
Fuck! God! Shit.
Now, begin your cut-and-paste collage.
And remember, no dirty words.
Mrs.
Heimler? -Yes, Isabel.
-I have to go to the bathroom.
Well, when Billy comes back from the bathroom, you can go.
-Mrs.
Heimler? -Yes.
-I have to go to the bathroom now.
-Well, you know the rules, Isabel.
But please! Very well.
Go.
Go.
Go.
I try.
It's cool.
It's all cool.
Honey, you couldn't help it.
These things happen.
Hopefully not too often, but they happen.
One day, you are gonna look back on this, and.
Well, it'll still be painfully embarrassing but it will make for a terrific story.
I had to throw my underpants into the woods.
They call me Shit Girl now.
And that's part of the story.
Good night, sweetie.
Night, Dad.
I'm worried about Isabel.
Maybe we should take her to the doctor and make sure she doesn't have a stomach flu.
Please, she's perfectly fine.
She shit herself in school.
How is that perfectly fine? She shit herself because she's a little piggy.
The truth is, I found a chocolate stash in her room the other day.
So I just switched it out with laxatives.
What? It was a good plan.
I mean, maybe next time she'll think twice about scarfing down an entire bag of chocolates.
I mean, come on.
I eat the same laxatives every day in reasonable amounts and I don't shit all over myself.
I mean, look, I didn't mean for this to happen.
I was just hoping for some nice, loose doodies.
Clean the girl out a bit, you know.
-Are you out of your fucking mind? -What? Calm down.
That is absolutely child abuse! You should be arrested! I should call Child Protective Services and have you arrested! -Don't be such a drama queen.
-They called her Shit Girl.
Well, it's better than Fat Girl.
How could you even imagine doing such a thing? You know, excuse me.
Excuse me for wanting my daughter to be thin, attractive so that the world is her oyster.
I know that you think she's beautiful, Dean.
But this is America.
It is cold and cruel out there for fat girls.
Nope, nope.
Nope.
I hope our children survive you.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
-Isabel, breakfast! -Coming! Feeling better, sweetie? I am now, Daddy.
You really should lock your front door.
I do lock it, but Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys.
Drives me insane.
Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
I still say we got the better end of that deal.
Here.
I'm posting these in the neighborhood.
Tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar.
Although a part of me is hoping that it will maul Dean.
And I wouldn't wanna miss that.
"What To Do If You Meet a Mountain Lion"? "Give the mountain lion some room.
Don't make eye contact.
Talk to the lion softly.
" You sure this isn't "What To Do If You Date a Mountain Lion"? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia.
So-- Have you ever had sex with a woman? -Excuse me? -I think I'd like to try it.
-With who? -Anyone.
I don't care.
I'm sick of men.
Maybe I missed my calling.
I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke but just made a wrong turn by mistake? It would explain a hell of a lot.
Here's the thing.
I really wanna fuck around on Dean.
But the thought of having to put one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing.
I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
Well, maybe you're right.
Truth is, pussy really skeeves me out.
That whole mirror-investigation thing we did when we were young truly a rude awakening.
Speaking of pussy, somebody killed the Alderman's cat and it was not the mountain lion.
Alison is losing her mind.
She thinks that someone's trying to send her messages or something.
It's probably just the kids, though.
How did the--? -How did the cat die? -I'm not sure, why? I think I might know the kid who did it.
Friend of Silas'.
You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior.
You should really tell the parents so they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked-out windows.
I have to get going on this.
You have to go.
-Have you had sex with a woman? -None of your business.
-Come on, tell me.
-Okay, I slept with a woman in college.
-How was it? -Boring.
Well, maybe you didn't do it right.
She said I was the best she'd ever had.
What are you doing Friday night? These will satisfy your munchies and give you a long-lasting, all-body high at the same time.
Not to mention the fact you're saving your lungs and there's no residual odor for your wives to smell.
-So everything in there is loaded with-- -It sure is.
That's not all I'm offering.
For all of you old-school smokers in the room I've also brought some wild and wonderful indica-sativa blends.
Organic or hydroponic.
Hairy, sticky, delicious to smoke.
Here, help yourselves to some samples.
So? Fuck me! That is awesome! I think I could exist off nothing but this for the rest of my life.
I'm glad you like it.
So here's my final pitch, guys.
The clubs are fun and all, but with me you get great shit right here in town.
I know what you like.
Make sure it's there when you want it.
You don't have to go to the city to get it.
But most of all, I don't xerox your driver's license and put your name in a state-controlled data bank.
What? -I'm in a data bank? -You sure are.
So when your wives find out and divorce you they'll get custody of your children because their attorneys will be able to prove you're nothing but a bunch of irresponsible potheads.
-I'm in a data bank? -Celia would have a field day with that.
I'm in a data bank? I'm up for council reelection.
I cannot be linked to any pot clubs.
Any of you guys know any good hackers? Maybe you should have thought of that sooner.
-I'm ready to take your orders.
-Fuck it.
I'll take it all.
-Your butter don't look right.
-It's sage.
Don't smell like sage.
Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.
I don't smell with my coochie.
No! It's got raw eggs in it.
-So? -So salmonella is on the rise, so no.
Listen, there's something I wanna talk to you about.
Am I in trouble? The mountain lion you shot did it have a collar around its neck? No.
Did it make kind of a meowing sound? It kind of yelped when I shot it.
But mountain lions don't meow, Mom.
They kind of sound like: Shane, did you shoot the Alderman's cat? What? No.
I shot the mountain lion.
-Right in the eye.
-Why? Because that's what Dad would have done.
Come here.
I'm very fond of you.
I'm very fond of you too.
I want the BB gun.
-But I need it for protection.
-No.
I think I'm gonna take over that role for a while.
But if you play your cards right you might get it back by the time you graduate law school.
This sucks.
Yeah.
But imagine how the mountain lion feels.
Go watch Telemundo with Lupita.
-What the hell are you doing? -I'm a little backed up.
A lot backed up.
I haven't shit in three days.
I'm like a bloated African famine baby.
Could it be? Newton's Third Law of Motion or lack of motion in your case, illustrated right here in our bathroom.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
-What are you talking about? -Karma, baby.
Fuck you and your karma.
Fine.
Shit on my theory.
Oh, but wait! You can't.
So I guess that makes me right, huh? That takes care of last week's buy, this week's buy, my ring, my Rover.
You surprise the shit out of me.
I thought for sure you was gonna end up broke, living in a trailer park having to score SAG cards for your kids to put food on the table.
So I see somebody got their bling back.
That mean we doing all right? Car keys, please.
-What? I said please.
-Yes.
You are very polite, snowflake.
But your scratch only covers last week's buy and the rings.
You still short for all the shit you gonna wanna take this week.
Looks like you got yourself a business decision to make: The strange or the Range.
I'll be back.
Don't let the door hit your cute little ass on the way out.
Thanks for everything, Conrad.
That cornbread recipe you gave me really saved my cute little ass.
You gave away my cornbread recipe? And she put weed in it?! Oh, hell, no.
-You don't put weed in my cornbread! -Now, Heylia.
Hold up.
Get your ass here, take your whupping.
-You know nobody scared of you.
-You a dumb-ass motherfucker if you ain't scared of me! Bitch.