Family Guy s01e04 Episode Script

[Cheery singing from TV.]
SINGERS: "When life is getting to you "put some fresh in your life Let Mintos freshen up your life "Life is just a breeze when you stay fresh and cool "Because Mintos puts the fresh in life "Taste that freshness Just can't beat it "Mintos freshness Let Mintos freshen your life" Mintos, the Freshmaker.
These commercials are stupid.
They certainly don't make me want a Minto.
Totally ineffective.
Must kill Lincoln.
LOIS: [Singing.]
"It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good, old-fashioned values "on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you "all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy" [Lois playing classical piano music.]
[Stops playing.]
[Cheering and applause.]
[Blows kiss.]
[Lois cries out in pain.]
STEWIE: Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie! Honey, I'm doing the dishes.
A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual.
But you see, I'm in searing pain! You're just teething, Stewie.
It's a normal part of a baby's life.
Very well then, I order you to kill me at once! Honey, I know you're hurting.
But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right? No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny! Oh, man.
This is the life.
Hand me another one of them Pawtucket Patriots.
Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland Brian.
Yeah.
If you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you.
And I wish you were because we're out.
[Giggling.]
That's funny.
That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.
Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Wait a second.
Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar.
And there's a naked priest sitting there.
And he Oh, sorry, Father.
No, I've heard them all.
Look at the time.
I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her.
Believe me, Cleveland.
Our wives need some time off as much as we do.
This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do.
[Grunting.]
[Car honking, Lois sighs.]
I'll be on your bed.
No calls.
PETER: Hey, Lois.
You've been busy all day.
So I took care of dinner.
Really? All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it.
LOIS: I spent all morning cleaning up the house.
And in five seconds, you turn it into low tide at the pier.
Jeez.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'd help you clean it up.
But you know how lousy I am with housework.
Remember when I tried doing the laundry? Let's see.
Shirts, pants I'm missing another sock.
Welcome to Narnia.
I'm Mr.
Tumnus.
Give me back my sock, you goat bastard! PETER: Hey! You're right.
It's better if I do it.
STEWIE: Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell! The baby's up.
Can you get him? Okay.
I hope he doesn't need changing.
I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time.
No, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika! Take that! All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game? Jeez, Lois.
I spent all morning on a boat drinking beer, telling jokes, and screwing around.
How about a little me time? Honey, I'm begging you.
Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home.
I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! You know I spoil you.
CHRIS: Thanks for the ride, Dad.
All right.
Have fun, Chris.
Hey, Petey! Quagmire? What are you doing here? Soccer moms! [Soccer moms giggle.]
All right.
I'd like to hang around with you.
But Lois needs me at home.
I got beer.
PETER: Boo, Lois! Yay, beer! [Playing classical music.]
[Lois shushing.]
It's okay, Stewie.
Where the hell's Peter? That was good, Reuben.
Now play Brahms' Lullaby.
[Sings.]
"Lullaby and good night" Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours! I wish I could make the pain go away sooner.
But I can't turn time forward.
Oh, no! Perhaps I can! Of course! I'll simply build a machine that can move time! I shall call it a time machine.
E-flat, Salieri! E-flat! PETER: Go, Chris! Daddy loves you! I mean in a platonic way.
I'm married.
[Whistle.]
Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue! That's the 10th time today! Nice grab, orca.
Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate! Easy, fella.
That's my kid.
Now apologize.
Okay.
I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead stinking blue cheese feta! That's it! Way to go, Dad! You hit my mom! No, I hit your dad.
Stand back.
Give her some air.
You mean, "Give him some air.
" Call an ambulance.
She's going into labor.
You mean, "He's going into labor.
" [Baby crying.]
Whoops.
PETER: I can't believe I punched a woman.
A pregnant woman.
I just hope she accepts my peace offering.
I sent her a little something for the baby.
[Melodic strumming from box.]
I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest.
You're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter.
Could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about the other times I broke the law.
And there was that time I took a whiz in public.
And that time I snuck into Wimbledon.
And that time I snuck into Wimbledon.
Me and Cleveland are gonna "amscray.
" Wait.
You guys can't leave me here alone.
Why don't you come with us? I can't leave the premises.
They're monitoring my every move.
[Electronic beeping.]
PETER: I gotta get out of here! There's my little house husband.
It's been so wonderful having you home all week.
Thanks, honey.
But I don't know how you stand it here all day.
I mean, I'm so bored, I can't even watch TV anymore.
All the shows are starting to run together.
NARRATOR: This contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter "H".
[Phone ringing.]
BERT: Hello? Son of a bitch.
I'm on my way.
Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed! Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! [Comedic instrumental music.]
I know you can't understand what I'm going through.
All the stuff that makes you happy like cooking and cleaning, is right in the house just waiting for you.
- You are one lucky - Stop now.
Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them.
I do them because I love my family.
[Giggling.]
Lois loves her family.
Lois loves her family.
"Lois and the family sitting in a tree" See, Lois, the guys would've found that hilarious.
Why don't I go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner? Like when we were dating.
That oughta take your mind off the guys.
It already has.
I wonder what the guys are up to? That's nasty.
Where's the damn pull string? [Yells.]
You never know what you're gonna find down here.
[Dog barking, Peter yells.]
PATRIOT: Peter! PETER: You're the Pawtucket Patriot.
Verily.
Come hither and give heed.
Whoa.
I don't swing that way, pal.
Look, I got a date with my female wife.
I just came down to get some beers.
PATRIOT: Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucket Patriots your friends will come down here for a beer as well.
Build a bar! That's a great idea.
Wait.
One last question.
If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done it? PATRIOT: Jeez.
What's with you and the gay jokes? [Cheerful instrumental music.]
[Snoring.]
[Lnstrumental music slows down.]
[Sighs.]
[Door opening.]
LOIS: Where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Sorry, honey.
I must've lost track of the time.
What do you say? You think the guys will like it? This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends? Yeah, isn't it great? Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen.
I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
[Macho grunting.]
[Sniffing.]
[Guys laughing.]
Okay, guys.
I got another one.
What's the difference between pornography and art? [Chuckling.]
Here it comes.
A government grant.
Peter, you are in the zone.
You know those little clam cakes you make whenever we have company? I need about a dozen.
Actually, better make it like 600.
That's it, Peter! I'm not a servant.
And I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies! Jeez.
Where the hell did that come from? LOIS: Watch the kids.
I'm taking a hot bath.
Put me down, you blunderbuss! He's a little cranky from teething.
I can fix that.
[Mumbling.]
Good God, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed! There you go.
My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache.
My tooth hurts! PETER: There.
How's that feel? It's delightful.
[Bathwater running.]
[Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Lois, you are a wonderful woman.
Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation and love for you.
Peter! You must be Lois.
No, not silicone.
Silicon.
And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty.
What a delightful moniker.
You see, Misty [Stewie giggles.]
my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion.
I've broken my pencil! I have a Barney pen in my purse.
You are spectacular! Chris, what are you doing here? Sorry, Mom.
I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Chris, go to your room! Hello, Mother.
Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo? Oh, my God! My baby is drunk! PETER: No, I'm not! Him? Yeah.
He's a real lightweight.
Meg, take Stewie upstairs.
[Sings.]
"Show me the way to go home" Everybody! "I'm tired and I want to go to bed" Just the women! Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married I have never been as angry as I What is my piano doing down here? It was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but Never mind.
That does it, Peter.
Either this bar goes or I do! PETER: I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here.
I wanted you to play it.
Like it was an instrument.
I'm telling you the truth.
Right, guys? Come on! I couldn't.
Come on! Maybe one song.
Pretend you like it no matter how bad it stinks.
[Lois chuckles.]
[Starts playing piano.]
[Sings.]
"You'll never know just how much "I love you "You'll never know just how much I care" Yeah! "And if I try, I still "couldn't hide my love for you "You oughta know for haven't I told you so?" Okay, guys.
Thank you.
You can stop pretending now.
GUY: All right! "If there is some other way to prove that I love you "I swear I don't know how" MAN: Sing it.
Something troubling you, Peter? Nothing.
Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife.
"You'll never know if you don't know now" [Applause.]
GUYS: Wonderful! Wow! [Cheery instrumental music.]
It was absolutely amazing.
The second that spotlight hit me, I became a whole different person! Silence, you contemptible shrew! I bet your gums are still sore.
You're so observant, aren't you? Are you a detective? Yes, my gums are sore! Enough of this! I must complete my time machine, move time forward, and end this agony! CHRIS: Hey, Dad.
Mom says she was really on last night.
Yeah.
About that.
Lois, see, the guys were just being polite.
They thought your singing was too I was just nervous.
Tonight'll be better.
Tonight? Honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight.
LOIS: [Sings.]
"Gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for "You know you got the brand of kisses "that I die for" This one takes me back.
Now that's a woman! That's a house.
That's a fish.
That's a bee! "You know you made me love you" I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen.
[Band strikes up.]
I was born in a little town called Quahog.
FAN: We love you, Lois! [Lois laughs.]
Let me finish the story, fellas.
You don't want to be up all night.
Or do you? "Or do you?" She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she? Are you a woman? No.
My house arrest is over, Brian.
Round up the guys.
Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want.
The guys only want to do one thing.
And that's ogle your wife.
If Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her.
Then again, I'm the jealous type.
Wow! Lois Griffin! I love your act.
Nice melons.
Listen, pal Peter, I'm holding melons.
And her hooters ain't bad either! Now hang on a second there! Peter, I'm holding hooters.
Sorry.
No problem.
Your wife's hot! PETER: That's it! Your singing days are over.
If I wanted to marry Lola Falana, I would have.
Look, Lola.
This whole thing is just going way too fast for me.
For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams! Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place.
I just wanted to keep my bar.
I built that thing so my friends would come to see me, not you.
Is that so? Let me tell you something.
I love singing! And I will continue to sing! How dare you upset me this close to showtime! Lois.
Watch where you're going, buddy.
Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you.
Listen, I don't want any more trouble.
Thanks to your wife my husband hasn't been home all week! That singing hussy is destroying our marriages! [Women murmuring.]
Yeah, then do something about it.
Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there.
Maybe we will.
Yeah! Jeez, fella.
Can't you take that outside? LOIS: This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter.
Hit it! [Sings.]
"Don't tell me not to fly I've simply gotta "If someone takes a spill it's me and not you "Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade" Oh, boy.
Lois is pretty pissed, huh? Yes, your judgment lately has been rather You have crappy judgment anyway.
STEWIE: This is intolerable! This foolishness is preventing me from completing work on Egads! The blueprints for my time machine! Those are for my eyes only! Thank you.
Look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy.
No! [Fan whistling.]
Hold up the picture.
Let's see.
No! Nothing to see here.
GUY: How cute.
It's a time machine! No! It's a Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant! A time machine.
Sure.
Here's where the flux capacitor goes.
I can't wait to build one of these of my own.
I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans.
You shall rue this day.
Go on! Start ruing! Bye-bye, Stewie.
Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night.
Burn in hell! Hell.
Hell has fire.
And you know what else? [Sings.]
"It's got steam heat "I got steam heat "But I need your love to keep away the cold I got" ANGRY PARENT: All right, break it up! What's going on here? Your little peep show is over! We're taking back our men! Peep show? I just do this for fun.
Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids.
And nobody cheers.
No one even says thank you.
But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special.
I guess you all think that's pretty silly.
Not at all.
You didn't tell us that part! Peter, you're behind all this? Yes.
And you'll never catch me! [Giggles maniacally.]
[Screams repeatedly.]
I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house.
Or takes me out to dinner.
Or notices when I get my hair done.
- Oh, no, that's just - My husband's the same way.
So's mine.
[People chattering.]
Wow, this place is full of dead pigeons.
I'm gonna go grab some ozone.
Peter! There's a king in the cards! They saw my blueprints! What a grievous breach of security! Damn! What do to? Wait for it Yes! Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething it might just be possible to reverse time's heady flow and undo ever having drawn those damnable blueprints.
- You'll never get away with this! - Silence! Lois, you make it sound like I don't appreciate you at all.
Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me? You know I do.
I want to hear it! Is that what this is all about? Run for your lives! Holy crap! Hot! [Explosion.]
[Screaming.]
LOIS: There's no way out! At last! My time device is complete! Just one final adjustment.
There.
Now I shall negate ever having drawn those damnable blueprints.
Blast! Jeez.
We're screwed! Look, I promise if we get out of this alive l'm gonna help out around the house and say "I love you" every day.
You mean it? I'm a changed man, Lois.
A better man.
And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game I never would've learned this valuable lesson.
[People talking backwards.]
[Mystical instrumental music.]
[Backwards speech slowing.]
Honey, I'm begging you.
Drop Chris off at his soccer game and come right home.
I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please! All right! You know I spoil you.
My foot! I can't walk! I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself.
[Giggles.]
- My device! My teeth! - I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor! I think not! Bicuspid! We meet again.
- Have at you! - En garde! Shall we bite the tongue then? On three.
One, two [Screams.]
[Theme music.]