Frasier s01e04 Episode Script

(Piano playing jazz) He's doing it again.
Must this dog stare at me all the time? I don't know.
Eddie, must you? He must.
What is so fascinating about me? Is my head a large piece of kibble? Am I some sort of canine enigma? Think about it.
Get back to me.
Gents, dinner's up.
Can I help you clear your papers? No, I need these in order.
What is it? An old case from the police force, the weeping lotus murder.
You're still trotting this out? He's been trying to solve this case for 20 years.
And I'm not stopping till I do.
Cops have an instinct.
Mine tells me this case can be cracked.
There must be one small thing I keep overlooking.
There is, who the murderer was.
(Doorbell) It's nice you're still so dedicated.
It's a hobby.
Some guys build boats.
I figure out why a maniac kills a hooker and stuffs her into a bowling bag.
It's relaxing.
- Hello, Niles.
- Sorry I'm late.
Maris had a run-in with a rude Directory Assistance operator.
It shattered her calm.
Seems Maris is a bit high-strung.
Maybe she should see someone.
She's seen everyone.
Why do you think she was calling Directory Assistance? Evening, Dr Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
Good to see you.
An enchanting scent you're wearing.
Must be the ranch dressing.
- Won't Mrs Crane be coming? - I'm afraid not.
And no more of this "Dr and Mrs Crane" formality.
To you, it's Niles and uh - Maris.
- Yes, Maris.
- Glad you could join us, Niles.
- I wouldn't have missed it.
Well, the food's ready.
Let's start.
- Well, enjoy.
- Where are you going? - In the kitchen.
- Don't be ridiculous.
You can't eat by yourself in the kitchen.
I'll join you.
We're all eating right here, like a family.
End of discussion.
Well, isn't this nice? Feels just like home.
- I'm famished.
- Me too.
You boys still say a prayer before you eat? - Oh, almost without exception.
- Yes, yes.
We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat.
You've blessed our table with Your bounty.
Thank You, Lord, for bringing this family together.
We also thank You for Your other gifts.
May we always remember to share with those less fortunate.
- Stop staring! - I wasn't staring.
Amen.
Frasier, did you read Derek Mann's column? You were mentioned.
- No.
- It wasn't flattering.
- Still, I'd like to have seen it.
- Why didn't you say so? Who's Derek Mann? He writes that "Mann About Town" column.
The things he says! Sometimes, he's really funny.
What did he say? "I hate Frasier Crane.
" - Oh, sorry.
- That's it? "I hate Frasier Crane"? Don't let it bother you.
It doesn't.
I knew when I chose this career, I'd be open to criticism.
It's the price I pay for celebrity.
But thank you for bringing the paper.
And for highlighting it in yellow.
- Who'd like some wine? - I would.
Daphne, the salad is exquisite.
- Why would he say that? - Must be the carrots.
Not the salad.
Derek Mann.
Why would he write that? This attack is totally unwarranted.
I'm a healer, for God's sake.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
- I've every right to be upset.
I won't enjoy my dinner until this is in the trash.
- I wanted to save an article.
- On what? - Nothing.
- Come on, I'm interested.
Tell me.
It was about Margaret Thatcher's secret for growing zinnias.
Happy? Not really.
OK, Lorraine, calm down and listen to what I say.
Will you do that? - 'OK.
' - Good girl.
Your problem (Telephone clicks) 'Oh, gosh.
That's call waiting.
Do you mind if I take it? ' Go ahead.
It's certainly an interesting situation she's in.
Don't you think so, Roz? Yes.
'OK, I'm back.
' All right.
Listen carefully to what I say.
Your problem (Click) 'Sorry.
I'll be right back.
' For someone with so many problems, she certainly is popular.
'OK.
Go ahead, Dr Crane.
' (Click) 'I don't believe it, another call! ' Hold it, you want to take that call for the same reason you want to change your career and leave your boyfriend.
You're obsessed with what you think you're missing, the "call on the other line".
You've got to take one call at a time from now on.
Fully explore each one in turn, and you'll be a stronger person for it.
Do you follow me? 'OK, I'm back! ' Thank you for your call.
Only a few minutes left.
I'd like to end on a personal note.
As some of you may know, yesterday, I was mentioned in Derek Mann's column.
He said, and I quote, "I hate Frasier Crane.
" "I HATE Frasier Crane.
" What trenchant criticism (!) Move aside, Voltaire (!) Step back into the shadows, HL Mencken, there's a new kid in town.
One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre, "I hate Frasier Crane.
" A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well-thought out, point-by-point, constructive critique of this show.
But, no, not our Mr Mann.
So, dear listeners, when Mr Mann's column arrives on your doorstep, read it, enjoy it, and above all, treasure it.
For, one day this man will join the pantheon of the immortals.
And, if we're lucky, it'll be one day soon.
I'm Dr Frasier Crane.
- Funny running into you here.
- I'm always here.
- Have you seen today's 'Times'? - No.
Lucky for you, I saved it.
Look at Derek Mann's column.
This is the second time in two days you've given me a paper.
Have you ever considered getting yourself a route? - Hello.
I don't think we've met.
- We have, a few times, Roz Doyle.
Oh, of course.
It was at the, uh It was during the, uh Well, I'm too successful to feel awkward.
Where did we meet? - The radio station.
- Nice to see you again.
Apparently, Mr Mann heard your programme.
So I see.
"Yesterday, Dr Frasier Crane got on my case "for not giving a point-by-point criticism of his radio show.
"Well, he asked for it" - His entire column is about your show.
- Not very flattering, either.
He even attacks your "dim-witted sidekick call screener".
That's me! Oh, now I remember you.
"It's hard to say what to hate most about Crane's show, "his pompous, sanctimonious style, his self-congratulatory references, "or his voice, a mock sympathetic tone so sickly sweet, "one wonders if he graduated from medical school "or from some mind-controlling cult.
" - It's continued on 12.
- I've read enough! - Can I get you anything? - How could he say something like that? - It's my job.
I'm a waiter.
- We don't want anything, thank you.
In a few days, it'll blow over.
You're right.
To retaliate would be to stoop to his level.
The best response is no response at all.
(Shouts) Pompous and sanctimonious, am I? Mann can't even write grammatical sentences.
Every five words there's one of his precious dot-dot-dots.
He must like making dots with the crayon he writes this drivel with! Dr Crane, we have Stewart who has a problem with delayed gratification.
Well, he's just gonna have to wait! I don't know who Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind his paper like a school child behind a tree, I say, let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is, not a man at all, but half a man.
- What line is Stewart on? - He hung up.
I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today.
Let's see who's on line five.
Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
- 'Good, 'cos I was listening, too.
' - And you are? 'Derek Mann.
' I see.
'Look, nobody calls me half a man, especially some lvy League twit.
'So what do you say we settle this like men? ' Are you implying you want to fight me? 'No, I'm saying it.
' Fight as in a fist fight? 'No, I thought we'd throw pies at each other (!) 'So are you up to it, or aren't YOU man enough? ' We'll be back after these messages.
We're back.
We have a surprise caller, Derek Mann.
'What's it gonna be? You gonna fight me or not? ' - You can't be serious.
- 'Just as I figured.
You're chicken.
' No, I don't think civilized people behave that way.
Maybe our listeners have an opinion.
Who's on the line? Lines one to eight are people who think you're chicken.
- 'You're chicken, Crane.
Admit it.
' - I'm not chicken! (Clucks) We are mature, thinking people, not cavemen.
(Clucks) You want a fight so bad, name the time and place.
'Kinsley Square, outside your office, by the old statue, noon tomorrow.
'Don't back out.
' I won't.
Don't you back out, either, because I know where your office is, too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you down! Who else wants a piece of me? Having a look at that murder case again? Yeah, I dug out the old crime scene photos.
Don't be a greedy guts.
Let's have a look.
Her name was Helen.
Yeah, it was.
You must have seen that on some of my papers.
No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture.
- You're putting me on.
- She had a lot of men in her life.
No kidding.
She was a hooker.
No, I mean she had four brothers.
That's amazing.
She did have four brothers.
What else are you getting? Tell me more.
I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet.
Give it a try, please.
What else are you getting? Nothing No, wait.
- I see a man.
- Yeah? A well-dressed man.
He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.
Yeah, yeah.
He's getting off an elevator.
He's walking down a long hallway.
She doesn't know he's coming.
He's opening the door.
Hello, everyone.
Sometimes I get me signals crossed.
- What's going on? - Unless you killed a hooker, not much.
We heard your show.
I loved the way you handled that Derek Mann.
Especially when he challenged you to a fight and you stood up to him.
- Yes, I did, didn't I? - Boy, I can't wait to see that.
I'm not actually gonna go through with it, Dad.
- What are you talking about? - I already won our little war of words.
How would I benefit by having a fist fight? Maybe I'm misunderstanding.
He challenged you, and you're backing down? Mature people should use their intellect to settle differences.
A man doesn't just turn and run.
- Are you encouraging me to fight? - You gave him your word.
I didn't know what I was saying.
I hadn't had lunch.
I might've known this would happen.
It's Billy Kriezel all over again.
What did you say? Something about a Billy Kriezel.
That was 30 years ago.
- Who's Billy Kriezel? - A kid who tormented me.
So Frasier made fun of Billy's crew cut.
He started it.
He made fun of the elbow patches on my blazer.
They were supposed to fight after school only "Patches" didn't show up.
I had a clarinet lesson! You don't need to remind me.
Billy's dad was a cop, too.
The guys rode me about that for years.
Every time I couldn't make it for a drink, they'd say, "Got a clarinet lesson?" Couldn't you have met Billy after the clarinet lesson? Daphne, could you excuse us for a moment? Of course.
I have a feeling I'm going to be excused a lot in this house.
I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not fighting Billy Kriezel 30 years ago.
The situation is not the same now.
I'm adult, I've been to med school, I have a position in this city.
- I don't resort to brawling.
- You accepted the man's challenge.
You won't be happy until I have a black eye.
I just want you to do what you said you'd do.
You can talk about your medical school, your intellect, your place in this city But you know what? It's all one big clarinet lesson.
I can't even look at you.
So I step out of the shower, I look out the window, and I notice the garbage man looking at me.
I say, "Did you get a good look?" He says, "No.
Turn around.
" He smiles, and he's missing a tooth.
That's when the romance went out of it.
Why are you telling me this? To get your mind off the fact that in five minutes you're going to get your clock cleaned.
Did it occur to you that I might win? Your shoe's untied.
If you fell for that one, you're going down, and you're going down hard.
Frasier, there's quite a crowd out there.
Secretaries with bag lunches, children with balloons.
- All that's missing is a mariachi band.
- They're setting up.
I'd better go find a place in the crowd.
I'll be off to the left if you tear his ear off and want to throw it to me.
As your brother and as your friend, why are you doing this? - It's Billy Kriezel.
- Where? He's not here, Niles.
- I ran away from him when I was ten.
- I remember.
You know, and I've been running ever since.
Well, this is where it stops.
I'm not running any more.
What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets? Chalk it up to random violence.
- Hey, there.
- Dad, what are you doing here? I said some things that went over the line.
Dad, if you're worried that you talked me into something that I wasn't ready to do, you're wrong.
I l'm doing this for myself.
Good.
Who told you that I was going through with it? Let's just say a father knows certain things about his son.
Good news.
I parked on a broken meter.
We're getting a freebie.
Good luck with the fight.
Thank you, Daphne.
Any psychic predictions? Actually, yes, but don't worry.
I'm frequently wrong.
Frasier, there's something I want you to see.
There, the man standing to the left of the statue.
I recognize him from the paper.
That's Derek Mann.
He's gigantic.
My God, you could show a movie on his back.
Sure you wanna go through with it? - Yes Yes, I am.
- Good.
You'll be fine.
Remember, this is a street fight, so fight dirty and throw the first punch.
I find that a knee to the groin does the trick.
Any doubts, check with a fellow in Manchester named Nigel Tavers.
If we want an unobstructed view I prefer if you guys stay here.
Whatever you want.
- Well, wish me luck.
- Go, champ.
That a boy.
(Mariachi band strikes up) They got a band out there.
I have to get their card.
I need someone for our summer barbecue.
Look, they're starting to fight.
They're just sizing each other up.
Come on, Frasier, hit him first! (Siren) - Is that the police? - What are they doing here? They're breaking it up.
(Crowd jeers) OK, I'm coming peacefully.
Let me get my jacket.
I'm not arresting you.
But I warn you, in this town, we don't settle our differences with street fights.
- You'll have no more trouble from me.
- OK.
Dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling.
My chest is pounding, my knees are like jelly.
I feel great! You did good.
I was out there.
I was ready.
You saw that, right? - You would have kicked his butt.
- From here to Tacoma.
I say we celebrate.
A round of victory lattes on me.
(Cheering) Thanks, Harry.
I owe you one.
You cut it close, Frasier was almost eating sidewalk.
- I'm missing lunch for this.
- You could stand to miss a few.
Some of the guys are having a beer.
Why don't you come? Maybe I will.
You know why I will? 'Cos the Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons any more.
What are you talking about? Oh, that's right.
You weren't in my precinct.
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Oh, my! # And maybe I seem a bit confused # Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with # Those tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Thank you!