Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s01e04 Episode Script

It's no good.
I've not got the knack.
Why is tha's a better colour than mine? I'm not talking to you about washing! Well, he only asked, Mrs Batty.
Yes and he only does it so he can talk about my knickers! He's got no shame.
I'd dry them inside, but you never know when that insurance man's going to come.
HE SINGS I don't believe it! Have you ever seen him lift a brush before? Only to the rent man! He's going funny.
I knew it'd happen, him living all alone.
He wants home help.
He's had one.
He got her drunk on Milk Stout.
Never dared send him one since.
HE COUGHS This is no job for a man, you need a woman about the place.
Leave thy husband.
I'll teach you my horse-racing system, I'll take all my bottles back.
I know tha's married, but it's not as if tha likes each other.
Oh, I miss a woman's touch! You won't in a minute! I'll give you a swipe round th'earhole if you come closer! Right, you've had your chance, Nora Batty.
I could have brought a little something into your drab life, a little bit of magic.
Likemy washing.
Oh, no! Look, it's black! It was my father's, this watch.
Never mind that, look at the time.
Railway company gave it to him, LNER.
He's late, isn't he? He got this and a handshake from the district superintendent.
Fellow with bad breath called Hibertson.
Never been as late as this, has he? Funny name for bad breath, Hibertson.
Do stop regarding it frivolously, this could be serious! It is serious.
There's nothing more serious than a railway-steel watch, especially before the war.
It came to me when he died.
I gave his waistcoat with the sleeves to their Ernest for his motorbike.
All the same, I think we ought to look into it.
In the name of humanity, we can't ignore the scruffy little twit.
I'll say this for you, Cyril, you never flinch from poking your nose into other people's affairs.
From the highest possible motives.
Suppose he's just lying there? How will it reflect on us at the inquest if he's been dead for three weeks? We only left him last night.
Stuffing his face with fish, chips and mushy peas.
You know what I mean.
I know what you mean - he's been acting a bit funny lately and you're straining your braces to find out what he's been up to.
Well, I admit, I am curious.
Some might even say peculiar.
All very well sitting there all smug nursing your father's heirloom, but wouldn't you like to know? I do know.
What? It's obvious.
Happens every year about this time.
You know, you might condescend to confide in me some time.
I'm as interested as you in what's happened to the grimy little Herbert.
It's spring, Cyril.
Compo's feeling the spring.
Do you mean his? Sap's rising.
Yes.
Well! The evil little monkey.
Come on, let's go and get him out in the fresh air.
That's the first time I've seen his naked elbows.
You've seen them through the holes in his garments.
Aye, brief, tantalising glimpses, but never wild and free like this.
They are not unlike the Emperor Hirohito's.
With respect, Clegg, what do you know about the Emperor's elbows? Just that they're halfway up his sleeve, the same as anybody else's.
Hey up! THEY LAUGH Hey, you daft Mary, creeping up on folk like that! If there's one thing I thought we could rely on, it's you being grimy and repulsive.
And here you are, behind our backs, being furtively hygienic.
I'm only cleaning a window! Batty's pigeons.
She feeds them on that rubbishy corn.
It snows here twice a day.
If Nora Batty were my wife I wouldn't waste my time putting rubber bicycle clips on diarrhoea-ridden pigeons! Hey, look at him.
When you see movements like that, you're dealing with a guilty conscience.
What's tha on about, "guilty conscience?" I've seen it all before, like at school, when you were caught with Teresa Monahue.
That were Charlie Alroyd.
What, in that cheeky little gymslip? It never was! It's a right double life, you're leading, isn't it? Don't thee start! You think you know somebody and all these years he's been a secret cleaner! We've caught you with the mask off now, haven't we? Nobody asked either of tha to come snooping.
Nosy! That's what you get for being a Good Samaritan, you see, told to mind your own business.
Good Samaritan, thee? Ex-milk monitor? "How dare you interfere with that victim lying in the gutter?" That's the attitude these days.
They'll defend every man's right to be lying bleeding in the gutter.
Well, I'm not lying in the bleeding gutter, so get back to the library! Hey, he's not only been cleaning those windows, he's been beating this carpet an' all.
It's not a crime, is it? He's busy, isn't he? Yes, I'm just having a quick flick through.
I've told you, it's been coming on for a week.
You can always tell when he starts doodling flowers on his betting slips.
Sweet peas and wood anemones.
Get stuffed, the pair of you! You know his trouble? Doesn't get enough fresh air, and his dart's unbalanced, too.
You know, you want more fresh fruit.
I want to be left alone, that's what I want.
And we all know why, don't we? So you can make a fool of yourself in front of some unbelievable, unseemly female.
Don't be harsh, he liked her that worked for McAlpine.
She didn't work for McAlpine.
She had it writ in large letters all over her donkey jacket! That were a gift from the Irish hooligan that worked on the bulldozer.
Rubbish! With her on the payroll, what would they need a bulldozer for? You're treading on sensitive ground, Cyril.
Theirs was an impulsive, madcap affair, destined to end the minute she took off with that plastic barometer he won at bingo.
She said it were going to be changeable.
Here, I'm not keeping you in smokes so you can go out with funny women.
They weren't all funny.
That's very true.
Who was that sweet little thing with the voice that could open cans of beer? Who's tha on about? Her that bit your ferrets? Ah, tha means Eunice.
You came across her in the bar.
That's right, under one of them long benches.
She used to get me into fights.
I don't know why you don't pack it in! Well, it's summat you have to do.
It's like my cousin Vince - he went off to Australia.
How do you explain it? You don't explain it, he'd gone before they could serve the warrant.
Australians look a bit like ferrets.
Aye, they do.
It's the sun, you know.
Does away with all the nutrients in the skin.
What a load of cobblers! Let's go and buy him a drink, get him in a better mood.
Aye, come on.
That's what you miss, the companionship.
I'm going home! It's early yet.
I've had enough.
I'm going home, get a bite to eat and watch a bit of telly.
May your batteries never go flat.
# Love is a many splendored thing # It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring # HE BURPS They say if you stand on the top of you can see Manchester.
That's the way of things, Cyril, always a snag.
I wonder if these nylon socks are good for your feet.
I see the Lauderdales have still got that barrel organ.
They're supposed to be doing it up.
I wonder if the nylon lets them breathe.
Is he any good? I wouldn't want him round my barrel organ.
Delusions of grandeur, quite out of his depth.
Got everything out of proportion when he mended their Giddy's Lambretta.
I always liked their Sammy best.
I can't say I knew him.
Nice little fellow.
It was very sad.
What happened? He had to go and live in Peterborough.
They've no discretion, have they, flies? They leap in with both feet.
Come on out, you guzzling article! Look at it.
It's going to have a right flaming head in the morning! No doubt secreted half a million repulsive organisms in your light ale.
And we think life's dangerous for us.
How do you think that saturated little pillock feels? What's his daily round then? Fancy having to leap into existence No wonder he's in a rush to get stoned.
We used to have them, four inches long, crawling around the cook house in the Far East.
They used to get into your cocoa.
There's to be hope there is something somewhere keeping an eye on little things.
We were always keeping a damn good eye on little things, I assure you.
As a general rule they tended to avoid anything with currants in it.
Out there, you could never be sure that an Eccles cake would lie gently and be eaten.
Very disconcerting when you see the fourth raisin from the right get up and walk away.
Still, at least they've got wings.
A few simple modifications to your vest, careful how you adjust your braces and you're off - airborne.
Everywhere's a short cut.
Then you realise there's no long way round.
The place was crawling with them.
Never had any trouble with my feet, though, despite the heat.
Just a slight rash under my webbing, that's all.
Under your webbing? Sounds like a duck's disease.
We were wearing wool, you see.
Natural fibre.
For sheep it's natural fibre.
Get down to brass tacks, all that we can call natural is skin There's every chance we are descended from the banana.
Lets the feet breathe.
No, our main problem was parasites.
But we can all get used to parasites who shall be nameless.
Where is the tatty Herbert? He should be back by now.
HE COUGHS Oh dear, I'm smoking too heavy.
When he's around, he cadges two out of every three.
Do you think I want to shorten my life? At this rate, I shall be dead before I'm 112.
He'll come back when he's ready, his whiskers bent and his fur torn.
He should be outdoors instead of inside watching them Continental films.
It's really none of our business, Cyril, which always makes it the more attractive.
So let's dump this stuff and go and see what the hell he's been up to.
Hey, all the jam jars have gone.
Has he moved his ferrets? They're not on the table.
Oh dear, do you think it's serious? If he's started neglecting his ferrets, there's no knowing where it will end.
He's not in, he's gone.
Good morning, madam, I wonder if you could possibly tell us where? I could tell you all sorts about him.
Come on, Mrs Batty, he's a fan of yours.
I know what he's a fan of.
He speaks very highly of you, Mrs Batty, as Mr Blamire here will confirm.
Very highly, madam.
You're his ideal of womanhood.
You're as daft as he is, Norman Clegg.
He refers constantly to your matchless flaky pastry and your sharp tongue.
What about your Edie for a sharp tongue? Superb in her day, but very much quieter since she's been dead, God rest her.
Leaving you at the top of your field with the possible exception of big Ivy at the caff.
Her? If it came to a slanging match, I could soon sort her out.
She's got too much flesh on her to be really mean.
Where's he gone, then? Where does he always go? Too far if he gets half the chance.
He's no respect for the sanctity of marriage.
I bet her old man's not got a lot left either.
CYRIL LAUGHS I heard that! You were dicing with death there, weren't you? You forget, Cyril, I've had years of marital combat experience.
Hello! I didn't get this suit from here.
I thought I didn't recognise the material.
This is 30 Bob Tailors, afore your time.
Manager had a bald head.
His daughter went for a cookery teacher.
I thought I'd come in for a new one.
Well, how would you like it, sir? Oh I don't care, as long as I get it! Sure.
You got the time, lad? HE KNOCKS ON HATCH What is it now? Can't you do something without asking What? Pour him a cup of tea.
He hasn't asked for a cup of tea.
Do as I say, pour him one.
What do you think he wants? He might want a coffee.
Well, he's never asked for coffee before! He's never been dressed like that before, either.
SHE SNIFFS It's aftershave, does tha like it? I do like it.
I keep telling him to get some on, that big ugly devil there.
She forgets you've got to face a dart team.
Yeah, he thinks he's irresistible, smelling of chip fat.
Tha don't think I've gone too far, like? Too far? You look like a dressed-up haggis! You've done right, love.
They could all do with smartening up a bit round here.
He thinks he ought to have an anaesthetic before you remove his underwear.
For washing, that is.
He can't get it off quick enough for messing about! CYRIL CLEARS HIS THROAT Has tha been following me? It's something you will have to get used to if you continue wearing things like that.
Aye, how much do you have to pay a week on that lot? you going to rake up the deposit? Well, I had a treble come up, six quid.
It's nowt to do with thee.
Enough to keep you in the lap of luxury for about 40 minutes.
And where's your ferrets? Ah, tha's been snooping, I see.
They're all right.
They're in the outside lav.
By hell, that's irresponsible! There could be an appalling accident there.
They're all right, they're wrapped up warm.
And have you got them in Harry Lauder hats as well? HE SNIFFS It's aftershave.
Ivy, give us two teas, love, and something sticky for a bun.
Do you want a bun? No, I've not got any appetite.
Not much taste, either.
And why didn't you go to that 30 Bob Tailors? I would have, but there were that barney over the suit I got married in.
You're not still paying on that? Just the last two instalments, that's all there were.
I kept up the payments until she ran off with that flaming Pole and I thought, "Right, let that twit pay for it.
" You've not been all that fortunate in your choice of women, have you? You haven't struck that celestial note of harmony, as it were.
No, it's true.
She were all right that worked in the crisp factory till they started flavouring everything with cheese and onion.
But by and large, it's true.
But you still keep on trying.
Why should I go through life alone? Because you are old, ugly and repulsive.
I'm not all that old.
Besides, you got to keep trying.
Anyway, it keeps my mind of Mrs Batty.
Cyril here manages to go through life without the comfort of a woman.
I should think so! Has tha seen his landlady? She makes the finest batter pudding, I'll have you know, in this entire area! I take this point, Cyril.
Is it enough for a lasting relationship? I have been there 12 years.
Does tha believe in destiny? Ah, now that's what you learn in the Far East.
"And the moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on.
" I should think it would move on after writing some of that stuff on the bus shelter.
Perhaps is my destiny to end up with a woman.
You need someone.
It's not only the physical side Fetching her coal in, you mean.
You know what I mean! You need somebody there, to shout at you.
Hey, take mine.
Hey! You don't know when you're well-off.
What time do them Bradford buses run? On the half-hour.
Well, maybe she will be on the next one.
Can I borrow your hanky? I advertised for this housekeeper, you see.
If we get on, you know, we hit it off, well, I might not be around as much.
Oh dear, I can just picture the domestic scene - arm-in-arm they saunter into the setting sun, pursued only by debt collectors and a pair of chattering ferrets! Do you know anything about this woman? I don't want to.
That's part of the magic, isn't it, finding out? Romance is a lottery.
If you want to gamble, stick to horses.
He does, take a look at his women! Bloody romantic, this is(!) Well, I don't what else we can do till bedtime.
HE PLAYS A FANFARE I've buried three husbands With tha bare hands? They all left me a bit of summat.
I bet they couldn't wait, could they? It's more than you'd do.
You've no assets.
I've got my magnetic personality.
You're a wastrel! There's that an' all.
There'd be no security wi' you.
Tha'd have a roof over tha head.
It leaks! Not all over.
It wants another cup of tea.
Are you getting anywhere? Well, I'm getting splashed a bit.
Looks like you've got one of nature's hearty eaters there.
Come on, Sid, what does thou reckon? How does it look to thee? Hungry.
Aye, I know that.
Well, I know it's not new, like, but I've seen worse.
Only with thee.
That's what I mean.
I've HAD worse.
You've had pneumonia, but you don't want to go steady with it, do you? Come on, it's not all that bad, from some angles.
Eh? It's no good asking my opinion.
I mean, you've seen my judgment in How many sugar? Six.
Six? She should have some energy, anyway! Here.
Put it down, then.
Look, that were taken of me at Maplethorpe.
Urgh! Get Pleuch! Look, it's no use coming to me for security.
Unless tha's ready for a mad, irresponsible escapade, tha'd better get off now.
Don't worry, I shall.
Look, there's some blokes you can settle down with and there's other blokes like me that you come to for thrills and excitement.
You and Errol Flynn! Have you got owt in the Post Office? I just bought you a plate of mushy peas, what more do you want? No insurance? I don't believe in it.
What do you believe in, then? I believe that under all that mad chatter, tha's a real sexpot.
Well, where are you taking me? You promised me a night out, didn't you? You've had it, this is it.
You must be joking! You don't think you're sweeping me off my feet with just one plate of mushy peas? Come on! Let's go.
Where to? It's your town, swinger, lead the way! HE WHISTLES Hello, my little passion flower.
She's not got your washing out, I see.
She don't look much of a washer to me.
I shouldn't need anybody if you'd co-operate occasionally, melted a bit sometimes, let me run my fingers through your curlers.
HE LAUGHS HE WHISTLES Hey, she went off! She took all my new stuff wi' her.
There you are, you see - every cloud has a silver lining.
Don't jump! Your left hand oar.
Your left hand oar! Starboard, do you mind? Tha's going around in circles! Hark who's bloody talking! Here, grab this.
Me arm's fixed to my shoulder, you know? Don't stand on that! It makes you wonder how they get big ships through small holes.
Here, grab it.
He'll have us in! Shut your face! Look lively! Get it in! THEY BICKER Get off! Come here! I've got to get over there.
There we are.
You'll have me over.
Hey up! She's buried three husbands.
Were they all dead? She were a brandy drinker.
I thought I'd get her drunk and have my way with her.
You disgusting creature! What happened? She had to carry me home.
Then this morning she went off with all my clobber.
THEY LAUGH It's not funny! It's hilarious, you dozy clown! THEY LAUGH