Mike & Molly s01e04 Episode Script

Why would someone pay to see a movie and then talk through the whole thing? That was cool when you flashed your badge.
"If you people need to chat, we can chat downtown.
" To be honest, it wasn't even my badge.
It was a York Peppermint Pattie.
You wanna come in for a little while? Sounds tempting, but I got an early morning and I don't wanna disturb your mom or your sister.
- They're not here.
- Really? Mom's taking a pole-dancing class at the senior center and my sister, well, she could be handcuffed to just about anything right now.
That's interesting.
So it'd be just the two of us.
- A nice round number.
- I like round numbers.
That's good because you're kissing one.
I'm sorry, but I really have to go.
Are you sure? Yeah, as much as I'd love to stay, I gotta get my full eight hours to function properly.
Otherwise, I'm not clear-headed, and I mistake a pickle for a gun, and bang somebody ends up dead, okay? Enough said.
Thanks for the movie.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Night.
Okay, it's not me.
I can't believe it.
I've lost two hats in one month.
Why do you think they call it the Windy City? I don't know, Carl, because it's windy? I've told you, you should get yourself a chinstrap.
Sure.
Maybe add a little propeller on top and just go full Tweedledum.
It's better than running through traffic screaming, "My hat, my hat.
" And what are you two bitches fighting about today? Just pour the coffee, Samuel.
And I'll have my usual.
As you wish, tiny dancer.
I'm getting a little tired of the wisecracks about my size.
I'm a customer, I'd like to be treated as such.
He lose another hat? The thing popped off his head like a champagne cork.
- Did he chase it? - About half a block.
I was trying to get video on my cell phone, but I was laughing too hard.
So the motto "what happens on the beat stays on the beat" means nothing to you? Didn't keep it to yourself that time I pierced my nipple putting on my badge.
I had to tell people.
Everybody thought the smoke alarm was going off.
I still can't wear a vest without a shirt.
You shouldn't anyway.
So how was your date with Molly last night? Fine.
We went to the movies and then ate after.
- Now, that's like the third date, isn't it? - Yeah, give or take.
- So? - So, what? So who was giving it and where was she taking it? Whoa.
Now hang on, Carl.
This is a nice girl you're talking about.
And I'm an old-fashioned guy.
We're gonna take our time and not rush into anything.
You sure it's not because you don't want her to see your big, pasty-white hiney? - What? Where's this coming from? - You're sensitive about your size.
The idea of taking your clothes off in front of a woman must be scary.
I don't have a problem with that.
It's just that I'm a gentleman, and I care about her.
You're also a busty man who wears a T-shirt in the shower.
Don't act like I don't know you.
I do.
You don't know me like you think you do.
There's levels to me.
I run very deep.
You sure don't run very fast, because your hat's in Skokie right about now.
You're full of crap, and I don't have to sit here and listen to this.
Breakfast is served.
It's a dilemma, for sure.
If my blood sugar wasn't low, I'd be out of here, pal.
Do you think that cop spent the night? I have no idea.
But I'm sure when his feet hit the floor, we'll know it.
Hey.
- Morning.
- Morning.
You're getting a pretty late start.
Well, the bottle of schnapps and a half a bag of Oreos knocked me on my ass.
And the sweet, sweet loving, right? How was it? Was it good? Is he still up there? No, he's not still up there.
He never even made it in the house.
Ooh.
You did it on the porch? That'll teach the people next door for putting up that ugly mailbox.
Is there something wrong with me? I threw myself at him and he ran out like he heard an ice-cream truck.
Well, maybe he did hear an ice-cream truck.
No, I just don't think he's attracted to me.
I mean, that was the third date.
That's usually the "come and get it" date, right? For your sister, it's usually the "come and get it for the third time" date.
Were you giving him clear signals? Because he looks like he's eaten his share of paint chips.
I did everything but lift my skirt and fire a starter's pistol.
You know what I do if I'm with a guy that's not getting it? I pull out one of my boobs and start smacking him in the face.
Yeah.
There you go.
Give him a good boob-smacking.
I just don't think I have the personality to pull that off.
Maybe he wants to take things slow.
Get to know you before you leap into bed.
Yeah, because that's what guys do.
Wait, you know what? No, I'm too old to play these games.
I lead a rich, full life, and I don't need him or any other man to validate me.
Well, you go, girl.
We gotta find her a fella before she fills this house up with crucifixes and pussycats.
Well, I think you look very distinguished.
Like one of those guys that guards the queen of England.
Regal.
I look like I'm baking bread in my neck.
Hello? Hey, Molly, I'm glad you called.
About tonight, listen, I was thinking maybe we could grab an early dinner and Oh, really? Stomach flu, huh? She's got the trots.
You don't wanna be away from home with that going on.
That's a mistake you only make once.
You had to buy a new hat after that too, huh? Do you mind? I hope you feel better, and I'll call you in a couple days.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Poor thing.
She's got it both ends, no waiting.
Uh-huh.
You believe that story? Why wouldn't I? In my experience, when a woman cancels a date the night of she's not really sick.
And her uncle's not really dead and her hamster doesn't really need hip replacement surgery.
Trust me, I know when a woman's into me, and this woman is into me bigtime.
You should have seen her.
She was all over me.
Why did you put the brakes on? It's because we're taking it slow.
It's got nothing to do with my weight.
I didn't say a word.
That's it, pull over.
- What? - Pull the car over.
All right.
You think you know everything, but you don't know squat.
Where are you going? I'm walking.
Suit yourself.
Crap.
What are you waiting for? Follow that hat.
So let me get this straight.
It's a show about guys driving trucks across icy roads? Well, there's a lot more to it than that.
Sometimes the trucks are hauling lumber sometimes metal pipes.
One time, this guy was hauling a giant moose in a cage.
- What for? - I don't know.
I guess somebody needed a moose.
- Are you stoned? - You're not? - Hello.
- How are you? - You Molly? - I am.
Can I help you? Name's Moranto.
Vincent Moranto.
I'm a friend of your mother's.
Okay.
- Well, you gonna ask me in? - I wasn't planning on it.
It's all right.
Your mom and I go way back.
I own my own business.
I make the little pillows they use on airplanes.
Lot of money in those little pillows, if you're willing to overlook child labor laws.
- Okay.
- Your mom tells me you're single.
Yeah, hang on a second.
Mom! Whoa.
Set of lungs on you, huh? I like a woman who's not afraid to let go.
Shows passion.
I like passionate women.
You must be the other daughter.
You're stacked like a deli sandwich.
Vince, what a surprise.
What surprise? You called me, told me to come over.
Did you meet Molly? Yes, Mom, we met.
Vince is a widower.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Ey, people live, people die.
What are you gonna do? The good news is I'm still a vibrant man with a lot of love to give the right woman.
Thank you, Viagra.
Vince's wife was a little on the heavy side, wasn't she, Vin? Precious little butterball.
Had a thing for pistachio ice cream.
Ate it by the bucket.
Okay, well, nice to meet you.
Mom, can I talk to you privately? Excuse us.
No problem.
Doesn't kick in for an hour.
By the way, if this don't play out with your sister, I am on you like stink.
What are you doing? What? Just introducing two nice people.
What's the problem? The guy's got 20 years on me, easily.
So he'll die sooner and leave you with a nice house and a lot of little pillows.
Look, I know, in your own weird way, you're trying to help, but don't, okay? Just go talk to the man.
He drove all the way over from Evanston.
And with cataracts to boot.
That's it.
I gotta get out of here.
Hey.
You leave me alone with him you might come home to find out you've got a new daddy.
Hi, I'm Marty, and I'm an overeater.
Hi, Marty.
Since I've been in the program, I've lost 12 and a half pounds.
Bite me, Marty.
Anyway, it's been a really inspiring week for me.
I finished third in the Chicago Triathlon my new abs video is selling like gangbusters.
Look at me, I can do a sit-up.
And best of all, I got engaged to that beautiful swimsuit model I was telling you about, Rhiannon.
I hope she gives you the clap.
Who can understand my battle with food better than her? - I look like I'm winning the fight - Molly? but it's a lifelong war, am I right? - Crap.
Molly, wait.
Molly, wait.
Molly.
Molly.
Hey, Moll.
Molly.
Hey.
Yo, Molly, slow down.
Where you going? Hey.
Molly, come on.
Molly! Molly, stop.
Please.
I'm begging you.
Why did you run away? I don't wanna see you anymore.
I don't wanna see you anymore.
Lot of pretty ladies here tonight, huh, Samuel? Shall we begin our approach? I'm fully engorged.
Slow down, brother.
You never buy the first car you see on the lot.
Also, remember not to set your sights too high.
Are you telling me to pursue ugly women? Because an ugly woman I can get without your help.
- Hey.
- Happened to you? - Molly dumped me.
- Aw.
You were right, she lied about being sick.
Yeah, women don't usually play the diarrhea card till they're done with you.
Thought she was the one.
Thought I'd spend the rest of my life with that woman.
With the way you are breathing, that would have been just another 20 minutes.
A little sympathy right now would be appropriate.
I'm really hurting.
Your self-pity shrivels my gonads.
- What? - Do you know in the village I grew up in a large man like you gets all the women? - Really? Yes.
A sizeable man represents great wealth and power.
You go to my country, you'll get more ass than an elephant's back.
That's something to think about.
Location, location, location.
Another pitcher of beer and more pretzels for my men.
No, no.
No more pretzels.
You've had enough pretzels.
You're supposed to be on a diet.
To hell with diets.
Why should I struggle to maintain this figure if nobody's ever gonna love me? Hey, I love you.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
You're not gonna say it back, are you? Selfish son of a bitch.
If we are willing to take a risk there's a girl's number on the stall door, and she is available to do anything.
No, I already tried it.
It's just some high-school kid calling me a homo.
Hey, we don't need women.
I mean, they don't do anything but cause problems.
He ain't wrong.
He This would be a much better world if there were no women mucking it up.
There's just guys hanging out with other guys.
Not to be a stick in the mud but I am not drunk enough for what you are implying.
And you are implying stick in the mud, am I right? No.
I'm just saying that we can have fun without women.
Damn right.
We're three single, attractive men.
- The world is our oyster.
Absolutely.
We can go anywhere, do anything, and we don't need women to do it.
- Where are we going? - Strip club.
Strip club.
Maybe we should just hit a White Castle, call it a night.
No, no.
We're not going home till we see some naked female bodies.
Excuse me.
"Ndugu"? Go Cubbies.
Right.
Listen, my man, could you please take us to the nearest strip club? Bikini or all nude? I'm thinking all nude.
Definitely.
We're going bird-watching, I wanna see a bald eagle.
I wonder if some of those women don't feel comfortable getting totally nude.
Well, then they should have finished high school.
No, I'm saying maybe taking your clothes off in front of the strangers can be a little scary.
I knew it.
I knew that's what was going on with you.
You were right, Carl.
But I had to come to it myself.
Well, I should know not to push you.
Give me some love.
If they start kissing, pull over and I'll walk home.
And by "home," I mean Africa.
Wait, wait, what do I say here? Just start talking and see where the liquor takes you.
You're a good friend, Carl.
I really do love you.
I'm sorry I hesitated before.
It's all right, man.
I know what's in your heart.
And I love you, Samuel and I know when I get to know you better, I will love you.
- Ndugu.
- And Ndugu to you too.
What the hell is this? The Little Rascals? I apologize for the lateness of the hour, Mrs.
Flynn but I really need to talk to Molly.
Well, she doesn't wanna talk to you.
Man, she didn't let the liquor get a word in edgewise.
So, what now? - Strip club? - No.
So far this week, I've lost three hats and a girlfriend and I ain't calling it a night until I get one of them back.
What is the significance of three hats and a girlfriend? I don't know.
A lot of what they say is just gibberish to me.
What the hell? A dream so long denied Can flourish Sweet Jesus.
What are you doing? Thy mother shall not keep me from thy maidenhead.
Am I the only one touched by the romance of this moment? No.
I feel it too.
Yeah, it's a Hallmark moment, till Romeo falls and crushes us to death.
- Are you crazy? You're gonna kill yourself.
- I don't care.
I need to tell you something.
The other night, when we were kissing and you invited me in I panicked because I didn't want you to see me without my clothes on.
What? Why? I was hoping to lose a little weight first so you'd be turned on by me.
Oh, Mike.
How much weight are you talking about? I don't know.
A hundred and sixty pounds.
You idiot.
I don't know if you've noticed this, but I'm not exactly perfect.
You are to me.
Get in here.
All right.
But I've had a lot to drink, and the first one might not be that great.
Just get in here.
Mike? Mike? Now, that's not something you see every day.
A house giving birth.
Hey, little help! Hey, Molly? What? Tonight's probably not gonna happen.
I understand.
I just really want our first time to be perfect.
Me too.
And I'm sorry if you felt like I was rushing things.
I just really wanted you.
I want you too.
A time for us Okay.
Try and get a little sleep.
Yeah, sleep's good.
Good night, Molly.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Carl.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Molly.
Good night, Carl.
Good night, Samuel.
Good night, Molly.
Good night, Samuel.
Good night, Mike.
Good night, Samuel.
Good night, Carl.