Modern Family s01e04 Episode Script

A gang fight.
I just want him to fit in.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Do you care to join me? You know, honey, there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage.
If I ever say "no" to that question, I want you to use it on me.
Shh, shh, shh! What's wrong? Why aren't they trying to hurt each other? I don't know, but I'm afraid to move.
you're really good at this.
Thanks.
What is happening, claire? Cameron: Mmm.
Mitchell: What do you think? Now, that is a scone.
No butter, nonfat.
Shut up.
I'm gonna go check on lily.
Surprise! Mom! Gloria: What's that? Sounds like a bird hit the window.
Oh, god, that's a bad sign.
Ow! That hurt, jerk! Ow! I'm gonna kill you, stupid! Ow! Wh happened? Now I'm sad.
Uhh! Hi, honey.
Hi.
I-I didn't know you were in town.
You didn't call.
Well, I couldn't wait to see your new baby.
Where is she? Cameron: Mitchell, who was that? Uh, it's my mom.
Oh, yeah, right.
'cause the last time she was here, The refrigerator magnets rearranged themselves Into a penta-- Grandma! Hey.
MomMom, what are you doing to her legs? Tai chi.
I did it every day in sedona.
Cameron, you should try it.
Mitchell's mother has a problemWith me.
Last christmas, for example, She gave me a piece of exercise equipment And a lettuce dryer.
So, to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, And she gave me a hint.
Dede: And living in sedona has been transformational.
I get up every morning, and I go to a vortex meditation site And work with a shaman to finally understand How to live my spirituality.
Yikes.
And I've learned that the only way I can move to the next level of my awakening Is if we all can somehow get past The incident.
Oh, no.
The incident.
Oh, boy.
I would like to congratulate jay and the lovely gloria.
I'm very happy for them.
I wanted a big, beautiful wedding with jay Because my ex-husband and I got married In a tiny, little office of a judge in colombia.
Well, my mother wanted to go to the wedding To show everyone how okay she was with all of it, So I convinced dad and gloria to invite her.
Who warned you that that was the worst idea ever? Anyone? Anyone? Oh.
[ chuckles .]
Of course, I've -- I've moved on.
[ chuckles .]
I was supposed to come with a date, But he just hurt his back, Which is very ironic because he's young and -- and healthy.
My mom started drinking these cocktails Called "horny colombians" With some of gloria's uncles, Whom, apparently, the drink was named after.
Phil: Oh, come on, they were funny.
[ laughter .]
They kept patting my butt.
[ chuckling .]
somebody's full of herself.
It's a -- it's a colombian wedding tradition, they said.
[ glass clinking .]
I would like to make a toast.
Yeah, nana got totally wasted.
Uh, it was really funny.
Then it was gross.
To the bride and the groom, my ex.
And he couldn't wait 10 minutes to run off with charo.
I'm kidding.
[ rim shot .]
Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other When I saw his wallet and her boobs.
[ laughs .]
Take your hands off me.
Mom.
Mom.
Oh, relax, mitchell.
What, did you take your claire pill? Okay, l-let's just -- let's get a little fresh air, okay? Come on.
And then it got weird.
[ hispanic accent .]
I'm gloria.
I'm gloria.
Kiss me.
Oh, hey, kiss me.
[ guests gasping, murmuring .]
Nana is really strong.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! Ooh! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! During my vows to my first husband, Drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge.
This was way worse.
What can I say? I drive women crazy.
[ laughs .]
It's too soon, I guess.
Everybody is going to be there, mom.
Claire: I don't care.
Your father and I are not about to let you Drive two hours to go to a concert And then spend the night with a bunch of boys, Especially that 17-year-old hormone you're dating.
It's totally supervised.
Oh, really? By whom? By spencer patine's uncle.
Who's spencer patine? You know spencer -- the guy with the arm.
Wait.
What kind of arm? What does that even mean? His uncle is uncle tobey.
Oh, uncle tobey.
I'll be sure to include that in my amber alert.
Oh, my god.
Okaycan I step in here? I think I can help.
Haley, what your mom is worried about Is you getting your heart broken When dylan goes off to college next year.
He's not going to college.
That's not what I'm even think-- He's not going to college? He's in a band, okay? They're going on tour.
Oh, this just gets better and better.
Why are you always on me about everything?! Because you need to understand -- okay, now, everybody, calm down.
Let's start from the beginning.
What's wrong with spencer's arm? Ugh! Mom, I'm home! Gloria: Hi, baby! Did you have fun at the slumber party? You must be exhausted.
No, I'm not tired at all.
I was the first one to fall asleep.
What's on your face? A smile from having such a good time with my friends.
No.
Come here.
Look.
Oh.
That's why they were laughing.
I thought it was my funny take on current events.
Why would they do something like that? Don't worry about it.
Guys pull pranks like that all the time.
You just got to prank 'em back.
Just got to show 'em you're willing to give as good as you get.
What do you think? Hmm, revenge I like it.
Well, mom, instead of scratching it down a wall, Maybe we should just try and repress it Like a -- like a normal family.
I can't.
I need closure.
I'm about to embark on a new journey.
I met a man.
Really? His name is chas, And he's asked me to come live with him In his foreign land.
Wow.
Where? Canada.
You're moving to -- to canada? French canada.
[ plates clattering .]
oh.
Oh, that -- that's wonderful.
It is wonderful.
It just that when I think of all the awful things That I said to gloria and jay And you and claire, I feel such guilt.
Give it time And see banff.
Cam, please.
I just can't give myself to him sexually.
Okay, mom.
Did not see that coming.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
We satisfy each other down there.
Oh Yeah, don't want to That's why I need everyone's forgiveness.
I need your help, mitchell.
Cameron: Did you hear that, mitchell? Your mom needs your help to make love to her new man, chas.
That's not weird at all.
I -- [ chuckles .]
I'm just not really sure what you're asking me to do, mom.
Well, everyone's mad at me.
Oh Maybe you could pave the way so that I can apologize.
Well, umYou know, we are actually All supposed to have Sunday dinner tonight, So maybe I could go around and ask everyone If it's okay foyou to join us.
Oh! I knew I could count on you.
Oh, my beautiful boy.
I love you so much.
There's a fish in nature that swims around With its babies in its mouth.
That fish would look at mitchell's relationship With his mother and say, "that's messed up.
" Hey.
Hey.
Boy [clears throat.]
Things with your mom got pretty intense down there, huh? All like east coast/west coast.
You feelin' me? Act like a parent, talk like a peer.
I call it "peerenting.
" I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room And say, "what's up, sweathog?" [ chuckles .]
Honey I would love to let you go to the concert.
Are you kidding me? I think concerts are rad.
Hello! I was a hall-raiser.
A what? I followed hall & oates around the country one summer.
"rich girl" just spoke to me.
I was dating this girl.
Not -- not dating.
I guess I was following her, too, kind of.
Okay, mom just doesn't trust me, and it's not fair.
She trusts you.
It's just that weird stuff happens at concerts.
Boys get urges.
Ew.
Dad, is there something you want? Yes, there is -- To connect with this girl right here.
Now, come on.
Pretend I'm not your dad.
We're just a couple of friends kickin' it in a juice bar.
What's a juice bar? Okay, a malt shop, whatever.
Dad, I don't -- no.
Who's dad? Who's dad? I'm -- I'm marcus from biology.
Hey, haley.
How's it going with you and dylan? Has he tried anything inappropriate with youGirl? [ cellphone rings .]
Hey.
No, nothing.
Just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop.
[ doorbell rings .]
Hey, mitchell.
What's up? Hey, just -- just in the hood.
So, do you -- do you remember How mom gave up a career to raise us? Promising career.
Oh, god.
Claire? Mom.
Why so long? Mm, I know.
I know, it's weird when we haven't talked for a while.
I mean your hair.
Mm Well, if I can't tell you, who will? So, mom wants you to know That she's very sorry about the incident And -- and she wants us to forgive her.
Oh, very nice of her to say that through you.
Do you see? The sarcasm is so hurtful -- Like a whip.
Yoow how growing up, we l have that voice inside our head That tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head, driving me to school.
So -- so, anyway, mom really wants To smooth everything over with dad and gloria, So I was thinking, would it be okay If she maybe joined us for dinner tonight? Because it may be the last time you ever see me.
Well Okay, wait.
What are you talking about? Well, I'm -- I'm moving to a far and dangerous place.
Canada, but -- uh, she met a man named chas.
Yeah.
He's a logger.
Like a -- like a lumberjack? No, he logs blood samples into a cholesterol study.
Anyway, until I'm past this whole wedding debacle, I can't be intimate with him.
Oh.
We do things to each other.
We use our hands.
Mm Oh, my lord.
Haley: Hey, nana.
Oh, my little comet.
Hey! Oh, look at you.
You're all grown up.
Hmm, tell mom that.
She won't even let me go to a concert.
Overnight with her boyfriend.
[ laughs .]
What are you laughing at? Oh, karma's a funny thing, that's all.
Remember ricky? Oh, god.
Oh, who's ricky? No one.
Ricky was your mother's boyfriend, And he looked like charles manson.
And one night, she didn't come home until 4:00 in the morning.
Wow, mom, what were you and ricky doing? Nothing.
We were doing nothing, and he was a very sweet boy, Which you might have known if you bothered to get to know him.
Dylan's a sweet boy.
[ scoffs .]
dylan.
Dylan is no ricky.
Ricky -- ricky was a poet.
Dylan writes songs -- awesome songs.
And maybe you would know that If you "bothered to get to know him.
" Ha! Okay, you know, first of all, I am not my mother.
I don't judge people before I get a chance to know them.
So you invite dylan over to dinner tonight, And if he's as sweet and as kind as you say he is, Then I have no problem Considering letting you go to the concert After I do a background check on uncle tobey.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, mom.
Okay, I'm gonna go call him.
Okay.
That's very revealing.
That's my parenting style.
No, I meant your blouse.
Mom.
Claire, wait.
Come -- Not making this easy.
Claire, come on.
Stop, stop, stop.
Just let her come to dinner, Apologize to dad and gloria, And she and chas can live happily ever after.
In canada.
In canada.
Wait, why don't you make her fix this Instead of you doing it, as usual? Whoa.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, you know, mom makes a mess, And there's mitchell to clean it up.
Okay, that is so not true.
If -- if anything, you're the one With the screwed-up relationship with mommy -- With -- with -- with mom.
Wow, "mommy"? No, I didn't say it -- damn it.
Ooh.
Fine.
Fine, she can come, but she's got to clear it with daddy.
"Daddy"? I did not say "daddy.
" You said "daddy.
" Hey, dad.
Mitchell, what are you doing here? Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Uh, could I talk to you and gloria for a second? Oh, she's out dealing with a manny situation.
He set a kid's bike on fire.
Why? Oh, I might have told him to get even with some kids, And he went all rambo with it.
Not my best parenting moment.
not your worst.
What's up? Uh, well, you know, mom's in town.
Your mom? No.
No, your mom.
She's back from the grave.
Yes.
Yes, my mom,.
My mom would be less scary.
Listen, she's a wreck about what happened at the wedding, And she wants to come to dinner tonight To apologize to everyone.
Still her little errand boy, I see.
No.
Why does everybody keep say-- no.
I -- I'm just trying to piece this family back together.
So you'll talk to gloria about mom coming to dinner? Oh, gloria would never go for that in a million years.
She's still furious with your mother, Which is why I'm not talking to you.
What did I do? This conversation never took place.
Well, that's not very nice.
I drove all the way here.
No, you didn't.
You were never here.
In fact, you never even called.
I would have called, but I thought it would be better To talk about th-- what -- what's happening here? Listen I would love to get this thing behind us, But gloria would never forgive me If I pulled a fast one on her.
That's why you're going to pull a fast one on her, And I'm not going to like it one bit.
Okay, that's just great.
No, that's great.
So it's all up to me.
I can't hear you because you're back home And I'm taking a nap.
D-money.
There he is.
Hey.
Come on in.
Hi.
Hey, how you doing? Good.
Um Uh, hey, everybody, this is dylan.
Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
He has a very gentle soul.
You got that from "hey"? So, dylan, I see you brought the ax.
Yeah, yeah, I just came from practice.
Sweet.
Miss those days.
Oh, you were in a band? Could have been, but in high school, I was really all about my magic, so Oh, my god.
Oh, that's gonna be dad and gloria.
Oh, mitchell, I know it's silly, but I'm a little nervous.
Oh, no.
That's not silly.
You should be.
Hey.
How are you? Manny.
Phil.
Nice mustache.
Thank you.
Don't make fun.
He may burn your house down.
Oh, boy.
Dede.
Hi, jay.
Gloria.
What is she doing here? What does she mean, "what is she doing here?" Mitchell told you I'd be here.
Lies! I couldn't tell her because she wouldn't come.
Gloria, my mom wants to apologize for everything.
So you just spring it on gloria like this? Mitchell, what the hell is wrong with you? I don't want her apologies.
And who could blame you, honey? Which is why this is a terrible idea by you! Jay, manny, let's go.
Oh, wait, wait, gloria.
I d-- I just want to tell you How sorry I am for ruining your wedding.
I was struggling with being alone.
Meanwhile, jay moves on so easily.
And -- and not with just anyone -- With a Young and smart and beautiful woman.
I don't expect to forgive me.
If I were you, I'd want to punch me right in the mouth.
I think we've had enough revenge In this family for one day.
Oh, okay.
Y-y-you see? Yeah, we're all gonna move past this.
And because of me, who -- who's not a mama's boy, But is a caring person with wisdom and emotional insight, So make a note, bitches.
That's not a good color on you.
I forgive you.
Oh.
Wow.
I am not prepared for this.
I just -- I wa-- I want to rip your head off! You ruined my wedding! I got gloria! I got gloria! I got gloria.
Stand up like a big girl.
Come on.
Jay: All right, all right, all right.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, the two of you! I am so sorry about this.
No, it's cool.
It's cool.
This is ridiculous.
Gloria didn't steal me, dede, and you know it.
We grew apart for years.
And you left to find yourself, remember? I thought I could handle this.
I'm so sorry.
You don't say "sorry" anymore! That word means nothing in your mouth! I got gloria.
I don't know what just happened.
Dylan: I do.
I mean, it seems pretty simple to me.
You're reaching out, trying to hold on to something awesome.
Um, maybe -- maybe you shouldn't -- Look, look, look, I'm noused to this, The whole big-family thing.
In my house, we don't even talk to each other.
You know, it's funny.
The first time I saw haley, I knew I liked her.
I mean, she's beautiful and everything, But it's -- it's not just that.
It's that she's got this killer confidence -- You know, the kind of confidence That you get from having a family like this, That's passionate and accepting of hot foreigners And gay dudes and nutty people -- You know, a family that actually loves each other.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, But maybe we should let her go with him.
He's perfect.
Everybody, haley says that dylan is a musician, And he writes some great songs.
Play something, bro.
Well, I guess so, if you want me to.
We could all use a nice tune right now.
This is actually a song I wrote for haley.
It's called "in the moonlight.
" Lovely title, dylan.
Thanks.
the stars are falling from the sky and you're the reason why the moon is shining on your face 'cause it finally feels it's found its place 'cause, baby, baby, I just want to do you do you do you want to do me do me underneath the moonlight the moonlight? baby, baby, maybe I will steal you steal you just so I can feel you feel you maybe that would heal you heal you on the inside She's so not going.
Not a chance in hell.
the moon is shining they doon your face nd and it finally feels it's found its place 'cause baby, baby, I just want to do you do you baby, you can do me do me man, I will do you do you maybe it would heal you heal you Both: * from the inside * from the inside from the inside from the inside Never good at harmonizing.
* side * that was good.