Roseanne s01e04 Episode Script

yeah, i know nobody's been working.
this sounds real good.
- boing.
- well, n- thanks, yeah.
no, i'm here all day.
give me a call as soon as you find out something for sure.
okay, man, thanks a lot.
bye-bye.
whoo! all right, your old man's going back to work.
- did dwight get a job for you? - maybe.
he's pretty sure he's got something lined up for the stanford buil'.
some guy wants his kitchen remodeled.
be a couple weeks work.
he's going to call me back as soon as it's definite.
great, maybe i can finally get you out of this house.
so's that sofa.
the only thing you've been doing for the last two weeks is just layin' there, watching tv and buffin' out your nails.
how do they look? get off! quit bothering me! get back in there and fix your four-star chili.
you only married me for my cooking.
huh-uh.
i married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding.
so when is this chili masterpiece gonna be done? hey, you don't rush great art.
make sure you make enough for jackie.
she's coming over? honey, doesn't she come over every single saturday? i was just thinking maybe she'd miss a day.
you knew when you married me that i had a sister.
i didn't think she'd be here every weekend.
hell, i didn't think i'd be here every weekend.
if she had a life of her own, she wouldn't have to ruin mine.
i'm telling you, honey, two minutes after she walks in - put those down.
put those down.
- drop 'em.
- okay.
okay, anyway, where was i? a few minutes after she walks through that door, she's gonna say, "dan, you know what your problem is?" i'll tie her to that chair and make her watch 15 years of our home movies.
well, now, that is the cruelest thing you've ever said, you beast.
- jACKIE: anybody home? - whew! no, we moved.
kIDS: hi, jackie! dan, what's wrong? my sister-in-law's here.
the world-famous chef is dicing onions - for his four-star chili.
- i love chili.
- let me have a taste.
- i can give you some to go.
mmm.
well, i don't want to spoil my appetite for dinner.
you invited her to dinner? not yet.
jackie, honey, why don't you stay for dinner? that'll be convenient since i'm spending the night.
spending the night? yeah, the pipes in my apartment froze again.
i don't have any water.
i can get you some water to go.
dan, you know what your problem is? you want me to set up the projector now? you don't put enough pepper in the chili.
i happen to put the perfect amount of peppers in my chili.
it's too bland.
rosie, is my chili too bland? absolutely not! your chili is just like you, hot and spicy.
hey, aunt jackie.
hi, sweetheart.
what are you looking at? - "teenage life.
" - oh, my god, roseanne.
- you remember that? - oh, yeah.
we used to read all those articles about how to be the perfect woman.
yeah, those were great.
my favorite one was "50 ways to say i love you using only your eyes.
" there's this great article in here about how to read your boyfriend's body language.
if your boyfriend's body starts talking i want to know about it.
i happen to know quite a bit about body language.
yeah? tell your body to go home? rebecca, your father's words are saying "go home.
" but his body is saying that he loves and adores his sister-in-law.
hey, jackie, read this.
dAN: all right i had a sodie on the counter.
who took it? - d.
j.
: not me.
- soda phantom.
you mean this? what are you doing? - i was drinking that.
- i'm sorry.
here.
i ain't gonna drink it if you slobbered all over it.
careful, dad.
you'll get cooties.
hey, i don't have cooties.
oh, yeah? what's this? cut it out! dan! it's getting bigger! it's getting bigger! cut it out.
get back in the kitchen and spice up that bland chili of yours.
hey, you can insult my wife and you can insult my children but don't badmouth my chili.
can you hand me the glue? you guys are doing really good.
i know, i'm in charge of the glue.
- you know what you need though? - dARLENE: huh? look in the picture.
you need a drawbridge.
yeah, that's cool.
go out in the garage and get me a piece of wood that big.
don't move your fingers.
it's gotta be exactly that size.
greetings, alien.
not now, mom.
hey, jackie, the washing machine's free.
okay, thanks.
boy, you're really putting in some time on this.
- yeah, i know.
- it must be important.
no, not really.
it's just for fun.
well, let me tell you a story just for fun.
no, not a story! once upon a time, there was a once upon a time, there was this little girl who ran away from home 'cause her mother told her long, boring stories.
shut up, you.
once upon a time, there was a beautiful queen and she lived in a beautiful palace.
and she had a beautiful and lovely little daughter.
- her name was- - let me guess, mom.
darlene.
no, smartmouth, it was darlena.
anyway, the beautiful queen was puzzled, and she asked darlena "why art thou building this thing?" and darlena replied, "don't try and figure it out.
just live with it.
" what is this all about, darlene? what? level with me.
mom i'm flunking history.
uh-huh well, crane said if i did this castle for extra credit and did okay on the next test, i might pass.
uh-huh.
so that's why i gotta get this in by monday.
oh.
then i'm gonna let you get back to work.
- wait, aren't you gonna yell at me? - no.
aren't you gonna tell me how bright i am, but i never apply myself and always wait till the last minute? you don't need to hear that again, do you? yeah, i went out with him on friday.
i hadn't told you that.
right.
so, i was gonna go out with him again on saturday and then i found out he went to chicago.
i found out from billy.
right.
i have no way to get in touch with him.
i call his apartment and leave a message on the machine.
i had nothing to say, i'm like "hi, how are you?" - jackie, you going to stay on that phone all day? - hold on, just a second.
i'm gonna be off in just a second.
so i leave the message, you know, and then, how am i supposed to get in touch with him? would you please hurry up? i'm expecting a very important phone call.
you know what your problem is, dan? you don't have call waiting.
you know what your problem is, jackie? you don't pay my phone bill.
i'll call you later.
okay.
phone's all yours.
thank you for allowing me to use my telephone.
you're welcome.
- i don't want to complain - but you're gonna.
when you were growing up, how did you live with her? we just locked her up in the closet, and stuffed some dog food under the door.
she is a major-league pain in the butt.
yeah, but you know you're really spoiled because you live with me, you're used to perfection.
here it is.
come on, dwight.
hello? hey, dwight, what's the word? yeah.
thanks anyway.
yeah, maybe next week.
right, bye bye.
damn.
you are going to get the very next job that comes.
i hope so.
i'm going nuts, sitting around here for two weeks.
yeah, but i kind of like having you around.
i kind of like being around, but i feel terrible when i ain't working.
well, you want work? 'cause over at the blue flamingo they're hiring topless dancers.
nah, i couldn't do that, my bad knee.
well, i'd put a dollar in your g-string.
go get your purse.
mom, dad, come on.
you gotta try this.
there's a test in the back of this "teenage life.
" and you guys are gonna be our lovebird guinea pigs.
i don't feel like playing no game.
- come on, dad.
please? - do i gotta do anything weird? you wish.
just do it, all right? - come on, come on - all right.
sit.
you sit, you sit.
- now - lay this game on us.
"exercise one: tantalizing with touch.
" ooh, i think i'm going to like this.
"the object of this exercise is to transmit a deeply felt emotion with your hands.
" - jackie, this is corny.
- roseanne.
oh, all right.
okay, i can do it.
come on, you guys.
this really could help your relationship.
- be serious.
- okay, i'm serious.
- are you serious? - i'm serious.
okay, we're serious.
all right, face let's see.
face your boyfriend and touch hands.
yeah, but my boyfriend's not here.
will my husband do? he'll have to do.
"try to communicate an emotion without speaking.
" okay, he'll be wrong.
i just know it.
okay, dad.
what's mom thinking? she's thinking i'll be wrong.
this is great.
dan, we never have to talk to each other again.
- bOTH: yay! - bECKY: come on, you two! come on, try it again.
okay.
okay.
okay, i got it, okay.
i'm transmitting a very important message.
tune in, loverboy.
oh, i'm picking something up.
all right, dan.
what's she trying to tell you? she's telling me something i've wanted to hear for a real long time.
my sister-in-law's moving to north dakota.
dad! sorry, jackie, that was a joke.
south dakota.
sometimes there's a lot of truth in kidding.
hell, don't psycho-analyze everything i say.
believe me, it's not worth it.
no, dan, i want to know.
do i irritate you? i don't want to get into this.
- no, really.
- where do i begin? you don't.
- at the beginning.
- okay.
one thing, you pick all of the nuts out of the rocky road ice cream.
well, put me in front of a firing squad.
i'm gonna put you both in front of a firing squad.
you could knock when you walk in the door.
you want me to knock when i come over? i can knock.
i'd love for you to knock when you walk in the door.
please.
fine, fine.
chili's ready.
dan, spit it out.
what's really bothering you? what's bothering me is that you're over here all the time.
if you had a job you wouldn't even notice so much.
gosh, you simply must come over more often, sis! well, dan really went off the deep end.
oh, you think so? he just lost a job.
that was the phone call he was waiting for.
- oh.
- i don't know how you do it.
you always manage to say the most perfectly wrongest thing, at the most perfectly wrongest time.
just like mom.
well, okay, take his side.
oh there you go, that's two.
that's the most perfectly wrongest thing you could have said to me.
why don't you think before you talk? you expect me to apologize to him? no, i don't expect you to do nothing.
- that's what you want.
- i'm not gonna tell you what to do.
why not? you're gonna tell me what to do anyway, - just like mom.
- that's three! he has been on my case ever since i came in the door.
i'm not apologizing to him until he apologizes to me.
- mom? - what? are dad and aunt jackie really mad at each other? no they just fight for the same reason you fight with darlene.
to torture me.
dARLENE: d.
j.
, look what you did.
mom! look what you did.
you ruined it! i didn't mean to! you're so stupid! what happened? d.
j.
fell on my castle and crushed it.
- we can fix it.
- no, we can't.
i'm gonna flunk history and it's all d.
j.
's fault.
- oh, it's d.
j.
's fault.
- yes, look what he did.
oh, yeah, it's definitely his fault that you didn't study all semester.
but mom, he was just here- and it's his fault that you put this off to the last minute.
- you always take his side.
- i'm not taking his side.
yes, you are.
you're strict with me and becky, but you let d.
j.
get away with murder.
darlene, who are you really mad at? d.
j.
yeah, well that makes a lot of sense.
if i'd screwed around all semester and was flunking history, i'd be looking for somebody else to blame it on too.
that's not what i'm doing.
that's exactly what you're doing, darlene.
it's not fair! d.
j.
- come on down here, honey.
- d.
j.
: is darlene there? no, she's gone.
it's safe.
come on down.
looks like you really re-decorated darlene's castle.
i didn't mean to.
i know, it was an accident.
darlene hates me.
she doesn't hate you, honey, she hates history.
she said i was stupid.
you're not stupid, you're just clumsy like your daddy.
yeah, right.
do you want to go in the kitchen and be my official chili taster? no.
you're just gonna sit here on the steps for the rest of your life? - yep.
- and let people walk on you and pile books on you and junk? yep.
well, that ain't much of a life.
but i'll help you get started.
come here.
i'll give you a hat.
mom, should i put this other load in the dryer? rOSEANNE: no, i'll do it in a minute.
giddyup, giddyup, giddyup okay, horsy.
get up here.
whoo! ahh! mom, i finished folding the laundry.
thank you, honey.
you're one of my three favorite kids.
what about me? no.
are you ready for some delicious chili? yep.
okay, you ready for the greatest chili - in the entire world? - yep.
all right, here you go.
just a little bit bland.
man, this garage is a mess.
i gotta get organized.
dad, can i use this? no, i need that, me, myself and i, manny m.
man.
- what are you doing? - cutting some more wood.
so you're going to fix that castle? yeah, but it's still d.
j.
's fault.
gosh, darlene's so doggone stubborn.
i wonder where she gets it from.
not from me.
no, it couldn't be from you.
roseanne, i know what you're doing.
there's no way i'm gonna go in there and apologize to your sister.
i just thought i'd let you know that i'm gonna go check into a motel.
anybody we know? i think it'd be better if i stayed somewhere else.
how about the phillipines? - you know what your problem is, dan? - yeah, you.
see i come in here and try to make things easy, and he's acting like a big baby.
would you tell your sister it takes one to know one.
i don't know how you get along with this guy.
tell your sister to hit the bricks.
i know this game.
i really know this game.
it's called "let's tear roseanne apart.
" you take this arm, and you take this arm, and then you just both pull until i splatter into a puddle.
she's over here all the time because she's my sister.
he don't mean nothing, he's just blowing off steam.
you two are worse than all three of the kids put together.
you're driving me nuts.
you've got to get it together.
well you don't have to stay in no motel.
that's silly.
you can sleep out here.
she's really something.
she does get carried away sometimes.
she loves to tell everybody exactly how to lead their lives.
that's 'cause she thinks she knows everything.
rOSEANNE: well, i do! dan isn't that movie over yet? no.
i want to go to sleep.
please.
this is the best part of the movie.
come on, you're on my bed.
jackie, your bed is my sofa.
here you go, sis.
- dan won't get off the couch.
- honey, get off the couch.
shhh! getting ready for the showdown.