The Golden Girls (1985) s01e04 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Oh, it's a mess! This place is just a mess! Rose, what am I gonna do? She's gonna be here any minute.
- This place is a pigsty! - Oh, Blanche, it looks gorgeous.
Don't sit! I just fluffed! - Honey, dust the table.
- I just did.
Well, do it again.
God, I wish she wasn't coming.
I just hate her.
I can't believe you hate your sister.
I despise her.
Oh, I wish I'd gotten a decorator.
Nancy Reagan's decorator.
That'd kill my sister.
She's your sister.
How can you hate your sister? Because she made me and my big sister Charmaine miserable our entire lives.
I never heard of such a thing.
You never heard of anybody hating their sister? Never.
Maybe it's Southern.
Sleeping with your brothers is Southern.
Dust, Rose, dust! We're running out of time.
Sophia if you hated your sister, would you clean the house? I'd put Vaseline on the tips of her walker.
Everybody, look what I have.
- Where did you find? - Oh! Don't sit! Don't sit! - Oh, what is our name? - This is Danny.
- Dorothy, what in the world is that? - It's a flounder, Blanche.
- What do you think it is? - What's that baby doing here? It's Lucy and Ted's baby.
Ted had a little accident waterskiing, and Lucy's taking him to the hospital.
Now, we cannot have a baby in this house.
My sister's coming.
Does she eat them? I have cleaned this house from top to bottom.
I have killed myself for two days.
Babies make a mess.
In diapers.
And unless we use them as placemats, your sister will never know.
- Oh, Lord.
- Boochie-boochie-boo.
Oochie-oochie-boo-boo.
Finally - someone she can talk to.
I just hope it doesn't make a fuss when my sister's here.
- I thought you hate this sister.
- I do.
I'm gonna put him to bed.
Ma, the ba-bas.
Why do you hate your sister? That's what I wanna know.
Because when she was born, I ceased to exist.
I never saw my mama and daddy again.
Where did they go? They never looked at me again, Rose.
She was the adorable one, the gorgeous one, the brilliant one.
She sat in my daddy's lap for 16 years.
Oh, and she was hateful.
You know what she used to do? She used to bite herself on the arm and then run crying to Daddy that I had done it and he'd punish me.
Oh, she got me in trouble all the time.
Daddy used to call me the bad seed.
- Once, she even electrocuted me.
- Oh, no! Oh, yes.
It was the day before Christmas and we were playing and she jiggled the tree and the star fell off and broke.
So she told me to pick it up and put it on my finger.
And I did.
Then she plugged it in.
And wham! My eyes bugged out, my hair shot straight up.
I did a crazy rubber dance all over the room.
I'm sure my heart stopped beating for a minute.
Then she ran to Daddy and told him I'd broken the star and almost electrocuted her.
And he sent me to my room for all of Christmas Eve and told me that the baby Jesus was mad at me for ruining his birthday.
- Blanche, that's horrible.
- And that's not the worst part.
That darn electricity straightened my hair.
I used to have curly hair.
That was a lovely lunch, Blanche.
A lovely lunch in a lovely house with your lovely friends.
Stop making fun of me, Virginia.
Making fun of you? Honey, I was complimenting you.
- I heard the way you said "lovely.
" - How did I say "lovely"? Oh, you know very well how you said "lovely.
" You said "lovely" the same way you say "lovely" to a date who's just shown up in a light-blue tuxedo.
Well, I meant "lovely" no matter how it came out.
I guess maybe I just didn't think you'd recognize good taste.
You know, this house was done by Nancy Reagan's decorator.
- Really? - Yes.
But never mind about that.
Let's talk about you.
- You look like you lost weight, sugar.
- I have.
Hm.
You know, at your age, when you lose weight, your skin just hangs there.
Like leaves on a willow.
I haven't lost that much.
I don't think that's happened yet.
Well, I don't know.
But if I were you, I sure wouldn't wave goodbye.
And if I were you, I sure wouldn't jog without a muumuu.
Is that so? Well, just let me tell you something! Oh, Blanche, please.
Let's not do this.
Let's grow up.
For God's sake, we have done this our whole lives long! Let's call an end to it, OK? Sure, whatever.
So you thinking about getting a face-lift? For your - how do I put this delicately? - turkey wattle or what? There, there.
It's colic.
My children had it.
- You give them brandy.
- For colic? Yes.
After dinner with a cigar.
Rose, you give brandy for teething.
You rub it on their gums.
Oh.
I thought I gave it to them for colic.
In their bottles.
Well, my babies were very happy.
Put it in my bottle.
I'll be happy too.
Look at this - pop-ups.
Isn't that wonderful? Mm.
Remember when we had to use cotton and fish ointment? That's nothing.
In Sicily, we use a leaf and the river.
Ma, you never had a baby in Sicily.
I was a baby in Sicily.
Disposable bottles and formula.
We had to sterilize our bottles and make our formula.
I nursed.
Your brother was 12 when he stopped.
He wanted to come home from school at lunchtime.
- I got nothing left up here.
- Oh, Ma.
Well, she's gone.
That's it? That's why we couldn't sit on the couch for two days? No.
I have to have dinner with her tonight.
Why is that baby still here? They're still at the hospital.
It's taking a little longer than they thought.
- Blanche, your sister seemed very nice.
- She was nicer than she's ever been.
She was interested, charming, caring, loving.
Just couldn't have been more wonderful.
I just wonder what she wants, the conniving little witch.
You're welcome, Maurice.
- Let's make a toast.
- With water? - Well, I can't drink.
- You never could.
One Jack Daniel's and you'd disappear with half a fraternity house.
- We said we weren't gonna do this.
- Well, what else can we do? We never held a real conversation our entire lives.
- Then it's time for us to start, OK? - Fine with me.
To us.
To the beginning of a new and wonderful relationship.
- To sisters.
- That's very sweet, Virginia.
Now, what do you want? What is it with you? You just step on any kind of tender moment.
Oh, tender moment, my foot.
All my life you've taken everything that ever meant anything to me.
What did I take? A couple of cashmere sweaters and a poodle skirt? You took my poodle skirt? Was that you? Blanche, that was over 40 years ago.
Oh, shut up.
I can't believe that you are still crazy about that.
It's not over that.
- It's over Tom.
- Tom? Don't act so surprised, Virginia.
You knew I was dating him.
Then I had to go to the country to visit Aunt Augusta and when I got back, I had poison ivy and you had Tom.
I loved that boy.
I wanted to marry him.
We were serious.
- You only had two dates with him.
- I was fast.
I swear I didn't think that you liked him at all.
Then I had to be maid of honor at your wedding.
I had to stand there and watch you marry Tom.
And I had to wear that green dress, which you knew was my most awful color.
I looked just like a swamp frog.
Everyone I ever loved, you took.
Would it help you to know that Tom fooled around? No.
With who? - Everyone.
- Huh.
Serves you right.
- Blanche! - Well, it does.
What goes around, comes around.
Well, then, I must have been really bad.
- What do you mean? - Well, it's the reason I'm here.
I knew it.
I knew you had a reason.
Better be a good one.
I'm dying.
What? I'm dying.
Well my God.
That explains it, then.
What? Why you're looking so much older than I am.
Ma, could you eat a little more quietly, please? These are Fritos.
You want me to swallow them whole? - Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Blanche.
Oh, the baby gone? No, Rose is driving him around to get him to sleep.
- Why is he still here? - Ted needs some minor surgery, so they're still at the hospital.
- What about Virginia? - Well - Shh-shh-shh-shh.
- Is he asleep? - You need any help? - No.
- We're gonna have that baby till college.
- Shh.
- So how was dinner? - I'm still in shock.
What happened? - I just can't believe it.
- What? - You never think you're gonna hear that.
- Blanche, tell me.
- She's dying.
- What? - My sister's dying.
- What? - Dying, she's dying.
- Oh, my God, Blanche! Oh, honey, I didn't even know you were sick! - Not Blanche.
Her sister! - Oh, thank God! Oh! And she came here to tell you.
Is that it? No, please.
She could've done that over the phone.
- It was like I said.
She wanted something.
- Enough already! I mean, the woman is dying.
What could she possibly want from you? My kidney.
Your kidney? My kidney.
- Why would she need a kidney? - To feed the cat, Rose! She's going into renal failure, so a transplant is her best hope.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
What happens if she doesn't get your kidney? She'll die.
You hold her life in your hands? - What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I'm glad you're not my sister.
- I need something to eat.
- Didn't you just have dinner? Oh, I couldn't eat.
I was just too stunned.
- What are you gonna do, Blanche? - I don't know.
I mean, it's not as if she were my daughter.
She's my sister.
My sister that I hate.
I wish I could give her my kidneys, let her get up all night.
And what if I give her my kidney and then the one good kidney I have left stops working? - What'll I do then, ask for my kidney back? - You'd be an Indian giver.
I need both my kidneys.
You know what'll happen if I give her one? My ankles will swell, my eyes will puff up.
I'll look just like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Blanche, that does not happen.
You can live just fine with one kidney.
I can't eat this food.
I'm going to bed.
I'll just think about it tomorrow.
All I know is, girls, I'm in a no-win situation here.
I lose a sister or a kidney.
Either way, no matter what I do, I'm gonna lose something.
What would you do? For my children, I wouldn't even have to think.
I mean, I'd give them both of my kidneys.
I'd cut 'em out myself.
Me too.
I'd give them my heart.
I'd give to all my children, except Phil.
- Why not Phil? - Because he never calls, he never writes.
I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene.
I'm Catholic.
I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker.
If I still had my dog Fluffy, I'd give to him.
- You'd give what to Fluffy? - My kidney.
Oh, come on, Rose.
You'd give a kidney to a dog? - Absolutely.
- So he could whiz on your rug? I would give to him because of everything he gave to me.
He was loving, he was loyal, he was fun.
He never left my side.
I wish my ex had been like Fluffy.
Would've solved a lot of problems.
You could've had him fixed.
Oh, poor Blanche.
Blanche, I know you need some time to think it over.
You're damn right I do.
We're talking about a vital organ in my body here.
I know.
- You gonna give it to her or not? - Sophia.
What does it mean - a little less bourbon? It's a big decision, Sophia.
She's got to think about it.
She's family.
If you can't count on family, who the hell can you count on? She's Italian.
I'll understand, you know, if you decide not to.
How come you didn't ask Charmaine for her kidney? You were always closer to Charmaine.
Charmaine's kidneys are attached to each other.
- What do you mean, attached? - The two are joined.
It's like having one big kidney, and you can't separate 'em.
Leave it to Charmaine.
I know.
She never could help Mama because she had heart flutters, and she never could take gym class, no, because she had a tipped uterus, and she never did any housework because she had a spastic colon.
Now, she has attached kidneys.
That girl is some kind of mutant.
I'd give you one of my kidneys, but I'm sure you'd rather have one you can control.
- Thank you, Sophia.
- Welcome.
Look, if you decide not to, I'll understand.
I swear.
Sure, you'll be dead.
And everybody will say Blanche killed her.
What I'm trying to say is it's a terrible choice I've given you.
I don't even know what I would do under the same circumstances.
Are you saying you don't know if you'd give me a kidney? No, I don't.
Well, I'm not surprised.
You never even lent me a Kleenex.
Besides, I'm a size eight - your kidney wouldn't fit me.
There's not room in my body for your kidney.
Well, I guess I'd better be going, and if you decide to go ahead with it, I'll see you in Atlanta in a few days.
- Are you scared? - Terrified.
- I guess anybody would be.
- I guess.
Blanche, whatever happens I love you.
Thank you.
Bye.
The doctor says it's the first time he'd ever been called because a baby was sleeping in the day.
And then I think he called me an idiot.
He sleeps in the day because he has four women who won't let him sleep at night.
Now, who went in there last night? Was it you? - Well, I went in once.
- Why? - I was working.
I hadn't seen him all day.
- And was he sleeping? At first.
This has got to stop.
No wonder that baby didn't sleep.
He wasn't the only one who was up all night.
- You were too? - Yes.
- I had time to do a lot of thinking.
- And? - And of course I'm gonna do it.
- Aw, Blanche, you're a brave lady.
- Oh, you really are, honey.
- No, I have to.
I don't want my sister to die.
I want her to live.
And not just for her, for me.
I wanna get to know her like a grownup.
Well, I want us to have a chance to be friends, sisters.
After all, she's the only family I have.
I thought you had a sister, Charmaine.
Oh, you can't count her! Why, she's an awful, selfish, neurotic woman who made me and Virginia miserable our entire lives.
I gotta go pack.
- I hate to give him back.
- Goodbye, Danny.
Goodbye, pussycat.
Goodbye, little fella.
What are you carrying on? It's like talking to a salami.
Well, he has to leave.
I'll be right back.
- Say bye-zee-bye! - Bye, darling.
You be good now.
I'm worried about Blanche.
I wish she'd let one of us go with her.
Not me.
I hate hospitals.
My friend Matty Fishbein went into the hospital a healthy guy.
Then boom, boom - dead, just like that, in his sleep.
I don't like hospitals either.
They're full of germs.
I always hold my breath in the elevators 'cause there are sick people in the elevators and it's such a small space.
Once, I had to go to the eighth floor in a hospital, and the elevator stopped on every floor, and I had to hold my breath all that time.
And I finally fainted and I hit my head and I had to stay there because I had a concussion, and I had to hold my breath all the way down in the elevator to the emergency room.
Then I had to hold my breath in the x-ray, where they ask you to hold your breath anyway.
And then after I have great news.
Rose, excuse me.
We'll get back to your fascinating hospital story later.
Ted and Lucy said that we could have the baby again next month - when they go away for a weekend.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Hello, everybody.
Blanche, what are you doing here? Is something wrong? I mean, we didn't expect you back so soon.
Oh, the best possible thing has happened.
I still have both my kidneys and my sister's fine.
Blanche, how is that possible? They couldn't use my kidney - my blood vessels were too small.
Of course they're too small.
I've always been very petite.
Blanche, Virginia.
Oh, the most wonderful thing happened.
They found a donor, an excellent match.
She was a retired Mormon schoolteacher.
Virginia's so lucky! Oh, I'll say.
That kidney was showroom-new.
Why, the wildest thing that ever passed through there was Ovaltine.
But the best part of it was that hunk of a doctor who examined me - he's gonna be in Florida in a few weeks.
Wherever she goes, she finds a man! So do hookers.
But the most wonderful thing about all this is Virginia and me.
All that time we wasted hating each other from when we were kids.
Now we're getting to know each other, and I just love her.
I finally have a sister to love.
Isn't it funny? Sometimes you have to almost lose somebody before you realize how much they really mean to you.
Let's go out and celebrate life.
Let's go out and do something crazy! Let's fly to Freeport and gamble all night.
Ma, we can't afford it.
Let's drive to Disney World and ride the Teacups! Oh, too wild, Rose.
Hey, I know a bar over in Coco Beach where you can pick up over-the-hill astronauts.
Ow! Or there's some Rocky Road in the freezer.
Hey, great!