The King of Queens s01e04 Episode Script

Now? Not yet.
Doug, it's gonna burn.
Will you trust me? This is our last bag, you know? I want popcorn with this movie.
Calm down.
This is what I do.
No, it's just gotta be ready.
It's gotta be ready.
- Easy, easy, easy.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay, go, go, go.
Enjoy.
Hey, what happened to the Nebraska game? It's over.
- What's this? - Some kind of show on how to eat right and stay healthy as you age.
So change it.
- Hey, Doug? - Yeah.
There's half a bag of M&M's under the seat.
How old are they? I just got them the other day.
They're fine.
Wait a minute.
Are they plain or peanut? Let me look.
Peanut.
Hey, they taste weird.
- Hey.
Hey, Rich.
- Hey.
- Hey, Spence.
- Hey, Deacon.
Can't stay.
I'm returning your casserole dish.
Oh, you were right, by the way.
That cold lasagne made a good breakfast.
What's this from? Me and Kelly had dinner here last night.
Oh, yeah? You know what, Deac? Thanks for bringing it by.
- You take it easy, now, all right? - All right.
Later on.
By the way, we can't do a movie on Thursday night after all.
- We gotta go see Kelly's mom.
- No problem.
You know what? I'll see you on Monday.
Monday.
Not a fun day.
Okay? - Quit pushing me, man.
- Yeah, whatever.
You had Deac and his wife over for dinner last night? No, no, I mean, no.
I mean, they were here, and there was food, and we all ate it.
If that's having them over for dinner, then whatever.
Come on, what's the deal? I've asked you like 67 times if you and Carrie wanna do something with me and Marie, and you're always too busy.
- Really? Are we? - Yeah.
So? You wanna do something? Absolutely.
Yes.
You know? Hey, you know, let's check with the wives, and we'll At some point, we'll look towards trying to pencil in a date on the books.
What about Thursday? Can't say.
I don't have my book with me.
You're free.
You had Deac for Thursday, he just cancelled.
Just open your little book, cross out Deacon, write "Richie.
" You can even keep the "E.
" Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Thursday's good.
All right.
All right.
Hey! - Hi.
- Carrie, I need to talk to you about- Not now, honey, gotta pee.
Smell me.
I'm sorry, I heard, "Smell me.
" That's right.
Come on, now.
I don't have all day.
Smell me.
So do I smell like a meadow after a fresh morning rain? I'm not getting that.
Those bastards! Big Gulps and traffic jams do not mix.
- So, what's up? - I just wanna let you know that, well, Deacon and Kelly, they can't make it Thursday.
Oh, really? That's too bad.
Yeah, but not to worry, because I saved the night.
Got another couple to fill in, so I'll see you Thursday, all right? Who's coming over? - Richie and Marie.
- No.
- Carrie, it's only a couple of hours.
- So is childbirth, but I don't wanna do that on Thursday either.
What can I do? Richie asks me, like, every week.
I can't keep putting the guy off.
His feelings are getting hurt.
Honey, Richie's fine.
I've got no problem with him.
It's that Marie I'd like to smack.
She's not that bad.
Doug, she's stupid, loud, and doesn't give a crap about anybody but herself.
She gives a crap.
Please.
The only reason why you guys don't see how obnoxious she is, is because you all think she's so hot.
She's hot? You see, I never thought of- I don't know, hot.
I'll watch for that.
Shut up.
Come on, Carrie.
One dinner.
Look, if you do it, I'll let you have sex with me.
You can dress me up like a big baby.
Okay, but I'm not changing you.
So Thursday? Dinner at 7.
They get two hours, and I'm timing it.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just put away the groceries, Butch.
- We're in luck, Douglas.
- Are we? They sell this lousy deodorant, and they think no one reads the fine print, but I do.
- And you know why? - Because you got nothing else to do? No.
Because I'm nobody's sap.
Here, read this.
No cap, huh? Okay, thanks.
"If not completely satisfied, return the unused portion, and we'll send you a full refund and a free stick of your old deodorant.
" You're in the delivery business.
Get that out for me tomorrow, first thing.
And tell them my old brand is MacGregor's, extra strength.
- MacGregor's? - They'll know.
And, you know, I always thought those psychic phone lines were for idiots, but the woman told me I was attractive, intelligent, and had wonderful people skills.
And this is somebody who never met me.
That is spooky.
Hey, Carrie, that chicken a la whatever was terrific.
Thank you, Richie.
Oh, yeah, looked delicious.
I've just made a moral decision not to eat anything with a face.
Sorry.
That's okay.
I'll eat anything that doesn't have a driver's license.
Hey, Marie, you know Carrie just started working for this bigtime law firm in Manhattan.
How's that going, Carrie? Personally, I would never consider getting a job.
I think it's more important for me to be there for this one.
To take care of him, make him a good home.
But that's just me.
I'm not judging you.
Great, now I can sleep.
Kids, let me supersize those drinks for you.
- What do you say? - No, I can get it.
I'll get it.
I got it.
What the hell is taking her so long? Carrie, come on.
Come on, what? Could you please try to be nice to Marie? I am trying.
If I weren't trying, she would have a fork sticking out of her neck.
I'm sorry, hon.
I really just cannot stand that girl.
Look, I know she's obnoxious, but, you know, she's not all bad.
I mean, she's obviously very devoted to Richie.
- Yeah, right.
- She is.
She's not.
Trust me.
- What do you mean? - Nothing.
Forget it.
- Tell me.
- Forget it, you don't wanna know.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- If you have something to say, say it.
- She cheats on Richie.
What, like in poker? No, like in sex.
So this is going great, huh? It's going fine, Richie.
Moose, I don't know why we waited so long to do this.
Hey.
Next weekend.
Atlantic City.
The four of us.
- Okay, well, this was great.
- Yeah.
- It was a lot of fun.
- We have to do it again.
- We'll call you.
- Real soon.
Yeah.
- Bye-bye.
- All right, take care now.
- She really cheats on him? Hey! - Atlantic City, right? - Yeah, no stopping me.
- All right.
All right, man, okay.
Are you kidding me? She- - Gotta stop doing that.
- Forgot my keys.
Oh, okay.
Forgot the keys.
- Alrighty.
Bye.
- All right.
So how do you know? Honey, a friend of mine works with one of the guys she sleeps with.
One of them? Oh, God.
Things are getting worse.
I'm sorry, but it's absolutely true.
I can't believe this.
I mean, from watching her tonight, you'd never know she was fooling around.
Hon, she's not gonna do it in our living room.
She's crafty.
Why'd you just spring this on me tonight? Why didn't you tell me when you first found out? Because I didn't think you wanted to know.
I don't wanna know.
Why'd you have to tell me? Wait a minute.
Are you mad at me for telling you or not telling you? Yes.
Both.
Well, then, I apologise.
I was wrong to tell you, wrong not to tell you, and I'm probably wrong for saying I'm wrong.
You know what? It's too late for apologies.
I already know it.
I can't unknow it.
I need some kind of cake.
Douglas, I'm starting to get worried about this deodorant business.
I haven't gotten my new stick of MacGregor in the mail.
You sent my old one back, right? Well, then, they're obviously trying some monkey business.
- Better give me the tracking number.
- What? You know, for the package so I can follow up.
Oh, it's two, four, six, eight ten.
Got it.
Thank you.
And, Douglas, don't lose any sleep about this.
I'm on the case.
What's going on, Dad? It's a whole crazy thing Doug and I are wrapped up in.
He'll get you up to speed.
Carrie, this whole Richie thing is killing me.
Oh, I know, honey.
It's rough on you guys to actually know real things about each other.
It is.
You know, what do you think I should do? Should I tell him? Well, he is your friend.
And his wife is making a jerk out of him.
I know, I should tell him.
It's just so personal.
You know, up until now, our relationship has been so simple.
You know, we watch the games, we drink beers, we eat chips, we never share a deep feeling or thought.
I don't wanna lose that.
I know, sweetie.
- She's really fooling around on him? - Can you believe it? Hell, I believe it.
I mean, come on, let's face it.
Marie is the type that needs a lot of "attention" and "validation.
" And "sex.
" Maybe that's my niche with women.
Being the other man.
The mysterious stranger who slips in for a few stolen moments of illicit pleasure, and then vanishes into the night.
No, I see you more as the guy in the hedges with binoculars.
Hey, words hurt.
Whatever we do, Richie's gonna be here any minute.
So we gotta figure out how we're gonna tell him.
Ixnay.
Here he comes.
Hey, ladies.
What's happening? What, you don't say hello? - Hey, Richie.
How's it going, buddy? - Richie.
Richie.
Richie.
- What's with you guys? - We're just fooling around.
Fooling around.
So, Moose, what's your answer on Atlantic City? Was Carrie able to get out of jury duty? Don't know.
That judge won't call us back.
We gotta make this happen.
You know, Marie, she's friendly with all the pit bosses.
She gets comped everywhere.
Anyway, you know what I was thinking? The four of us, we hang out so much, but we never really talk.
You know? About real stuff.
You wanna talk about real stuff? - Sure, I'll give it a shot.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
Here's something.
You ever think about relatives who've died, and wonder what they look like right now? Okay, not that real, all right? You know, I was thinking, more, like, I don't know.
Well, let's see.
Like marriage, you know? - Good one.
- Yeah.
Right? Lot of good stuff in marriage, huh? Lot of bad stuff too, though.
Yeah.
Hey, how about that bad stuff, huh? Pantyhose on the shower rod? I hate that.
Hate it.
Hey, how about when she uses your razor on her legs, you know? My mom does that.
What about this toilet-seat business? Up, down, what do they want, right? It's crazy.
It's crazy, you know? Hey, how about when they have sex with, like, another guy, huh? That's rough.
What are you saying, Moose? Are you saying that Carrie's cheated on you? Yes, I am.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
I never would've thought that Carrie would do that.
Yeah, you know, I was upset too, until I found out how common it is.
It's so common.
- You think? - Yeah, I mean, Deac's wife, she cheated on him.
Really? Well, I gotta tell you, your wife does send out that vibe.
All right, hey, hey, hey, easy, easy, easy.
The point is, we can't let it make us crazy, you know? You gotta just, you know, brush it all off.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back on your horse.
Jeez, I gotta say, you guys handle this a lot better than I would.
If it were me, I'd probably drive my car into a tree, because I'd feel like my life was over.
That's two, four, six, eight ten.
Well, check it again.
I'm dealing with morons here.
Look, if my son-in-law says he sent it to you people, then he sent it.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Arthur, forget this.
Here, let me give you 5 bucks for some new deodorant.
And let them win? Never.
- Hey.
- Hey, honey.
- How'd it go? Did you talk to Richie? - Yep.
Listen, if it ever comes up, you had an affair with Milt Housner from the recycling centre.
What? I was trying to ease into telling Richie, saying that, you know, a lot of wives cheat on their husbands, including you.
But Milt Housner? The guy with the weird lump on his forehead? Why couldn't you say it was Kenny from Waldbaum's? The box boy? The one who delivers here every week? All right, first of all, he's never delivering here again.
Second of all, I already told Richie it was Milt Housner.
I can't switch names now.
Well, could you add Kenny? All right, stop.
So, what happened? Did you finally tell Richie? I couldn't.
I couldn't.
He was just sitting there, looking at me with those sad eyes.
I can't do that kind of thing, Carrie.
- It's not in me.
- I know.
You're just a big softy.
But at least you tried.
Thanks for understanding.
By the way, start packing.
We're going to Atlantic City with them.
No.
The only way out was to tell him about Marie.
I couldn't, so we have to go.
I don't have to go.
I have fake jury duty.
Come on.
It's only for the weekend.
I know who's gonna be at the Taj Mahal.
A certain Mr.
Don Rickles, huh? "Hey, Irish guy, where's your whiskey?" I grant you, the man is a genius.
But I'm still not going.
Honey, whether you tell him or not, that's up to you.
But if we go away with them, like two happy, peppy couples, then we're only helping her deceive Richie.
And that's just not right.
I know.
You know what? I'm gonna stop being a wimp about this.
I'm gonna take him to lunch tomorrow, get a few beers in him, and I'll tell him the truth.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
Feels good.
Moose, you've been staring at me for 45 minutes.
What is it? I am not going to Atlantic City.
Moose.
What the hell is this? Doug, if you say the words "Atlantic" or "City" again, I will hurt you.
Carrie, I've tried to tell him.
I just can't find the right moment.
Well, keep trying.
Baby, we need an eight.
Give me an eight.
- Big eight.
- Okay.
Here we go.
By the way, your wife's cheating on you.
- Yeah, all right! - Yeah! What? So you all moved in to your brother's place? Yeah, yeah, two days ago.
Listen, Moose.
Thanks again for telling me.
I'm sorry I threw up on you.
Well, it was bad news.
That 75-cent shrimp cocktail didn't help either.
So you and Marie, have you started that counselling yet? Yeah.
The guy's great too.
We went together the first time, but Marie feels that since the problems are mostly her fault, she wants to see the guy alone for a while.
Alrighty.
That's right, I'm coming to your corporate headquarters.
My plane gets in at 2, and we'll settle this deodorant thing face to face like men.
What's your last name again, Phil? All right, I'll see you in five hours, Mr.
Latio.
Be back in a day or two.
Arthur Yeah? Go get them.