Cheers s01e05 Episode Script

Coach, how about a beer? Sam says I can't serve you.
You're a flimflam.
It ain't for me, it's for a friend.
He asked me to order it for him.
He did.
He wrote it down.
"One beer.
" Wait one minute, Harry.
Let me see that.
"One beer.
" Just had to make sure.
That'll be one buck.
I thought I had a dollar.
I got a ten.
You got change? Absolutely.
Here you go.
I have a buck after all.
I don't need change.
Give me my ten back.
Right.
Here you go.
I don't want to carry all these bills.
Give me a 20 for the lot.
You got it.
Nobody move! Coach, don't you see he's short-changing you? No.
He's outsmarted me before, but not this time.
How much are you giving him? - 20 bucks.
- How much is he giving you? Darn you, Harry! Sam, I'm just trying to keep in practice.
I'll give you a $30 bill, and we're even.
What do you think? - No such thing as a $30 bill.
- Wanna bet? Get out of my bar! You owe me $10! Is this a clip joint? I'm sorry.
Here.
You got the wrong idea about me.
I don't.
You got ten seconds to get out.
Give me back my watch! I'm trying to help you guys out.
If you wanna upgrade Out! - Afternoon.
- Hey, Norm! Gimme a beer, will you? - How's life treating you? - Like I just ran over its dog.
You're late.
How come? Vera dragged me to the mortuary to arrange our funeral.
Thinking of dying, Norm? No date circled yet, but Vera likes to plan ahead.
We're gonna get cremated.
What'll you do with the ashes? I wanted to throw them in her mother's face, but I think we'll scatter them on the Adirondacks.
- Hello, everyone! - Hi, Diane! Sorry I'm late, but you'll be delighted when you hear why.
We were delighted you were late! I had a fabulous discussion with my art history professor.
I now feel I have a full grasp of lmpressionism.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Do Kirk Douglas! Sam, I'm sorry I was late.
Can I do anything to make it up to you? Yeah but you wouldn't.
Cheers.
Yeah.
Coach, your friend Walt.
Walt? It's good to hear from you! I'm so glad the operation's over.
I didn't tell you beforehand, but I didn't think your chances were good.
It's tomorrow? Don't worry, you'll fly through it.
It's a piece of cake.
Hello, everybody.
The famous sportscaster! - Hi, Coach! - Right on, man! We watch you on the news every night.
Best sports report in town.
What do we have here? Hi.
Dave Richards, an old team-mate of Sam's.
Diane Chambers.
I'm Sam's new waitress.
Sam have his brand on you yet? Hardly.
Then it's your lucky day.
I'm incredibly good-looking, incredibly rich and incredibly nice.
And incredibly married! - I'm sorry to hear that.
- You are? Yes.
I'd hoped to reject you based solely on your personality.
Too skinny.
Can I have Coach buy you a beer? - No, I'm here on business.
- I noticed.
How would you like to be my interview on the news tonight? That's terrific! Interview me? I haven't been in baseball for years.
I understand.
You're the best reliever the Red Sox ever had.
You're still a big name in this town.
- We can do it here in the bar.
- You can't ask for more than that.
And besides, you owe me a favour.
- I do? - Yeah.
That night in Chicago in 1 973, with those two young dollars I borrowed? Yeah.
Two young dollars? Yeah, I hate it when they're wrinkled.
I'm out of practice.
It's years since I did an interview.
Come on, Sam.
It's good advertising.
It would help business.
Right.
And we can all be on TV.
I'd like to see myself on TV.
No, you wouldn't.
Trust me.
Trust me on that.
Come on.
I haven't got all day.
Yeah, come on! Everybody here wants you to do the interview.
Almost everybody.
What do you mean? Never mind.
Excuse me.
Diane, can I talk to you in the back room? - Certainly.
- Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I have to discipline an employee.
- Can I watch? - No! OK, what's the problem? Why do you think I have a problem? You've got that "Sam's a chowderhead and wouldn't understand if I drew him a picture" look.
I do get that sometimes.
Sam, you're an ex-jockstrap Ex-jock.
That's ex-jock! How many times I gotta tell you that? What is the origin of the word jock? I From the French.
Jacques.
Those "Where are they now?" interviews on TV are depressing.
Any time you put a "former" in front of a name, even the most attractive, bright guy Excuse me.
Attractive? Yeah.
Even then I didn't know you thought I was attractive.
Well, when the light strikes you in a certain way, and your hair's combed just right, and I'm standing back a ways, you're sometimes somewhat unrepugnant.
Yeah, that's what women call me.
Tall, dark and unrepugnant! The point I'm labouring to make here is that when I see an old athlete reliving his glory days on TV, I can't help but feel sorry for him.
- I don't want to feel sorry for you.
- Feel sorry for me? I resent that.
You don't have to feel sorry for me.
You know who you should feel sorry for? You should feel sorry for the Flintstones! I beg your pardon? They're opposite the six o'clock news, and when people find out Mayday Malone is on, Bedrock is gonna be a very lonely little town! Martina Navra No.
Martina Denavramammajamma No.
Dave, let's do it! Great.
Give me 20 minutes.
I'll bring the crew right back.
You got it.
It'll give me time to slip into my shawl and blanket! - Dave, this is a really good idea.
- Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it? About time you got around to Mayday.
I'm really excited that he agreed to do the interview.
John McEnroe cancelled out on me.
So Sam was your second choice? No.
Gerry Cheever's out of town with his horses.
- Third? - ML Carr has laryngitis.
Fourth? Jim Rice is out of town, Robert Parish was last week.
And Becky Bannerman, the high school gymnast, is on a field trip.
But Sam was the first retired guy you thought of? No.
Well I said, Sam was the first retired guy you thought of! - The very first.
- He's honoured.
The Celtics got going pretty good, eh? I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I'm practising my floating coin trick.
Pardon me? Just a little something I do.
So it's a rigged-up coin? No, it's just a half-dollar.
Look.
It's a trick, right? Strings, wires and stuff? No wires, no strings.
I take the coin.
I hold it in the air, about like that.
I let go of it real careful, and it just stays there, it floats.
It hangs there.
What am I, a goof? There's no way you can do it! You got five bucks if I can't do it? Ten! Ten bucks.
Wait.
Am I being hustled? You are gonna give me ten bucks if I cannot do it? You're onsville, pal! Come on.
- I couldn't do it! - No, you couldn't! - What happened? - I'll tell you.
You just got stuck with ten bucks.
- Coach! Who is this clown? - Which clown? Harry, please! Harry.
Sam, I'm going.
I was just playing.
But whoever owns a Honda, thanks for the lift! Did he take you for anything, Norm? Sorry? I was practising suspending this coin in mid-air.
Here.
Carla, I'm fine! He's gonna ask you what's your greatest memory in baseball.
it's gotta be that double header against the Orioles in '72.
He saved both games with seven pitches.
Seven pitches.
Wait a minute.
You wanna talk about excitement? Sam, tell 'em about opening day in New York.
You come out of the bullpen.
Bobby Mercer's at the plate.
He hit a 400ft home run off me! It was the most exciting thing I ever saw! Why would Sam wanna talk about something bad happening to him? You're right.
Sometimes I think of the smartest thing to say, and then it comes out so stupid.
That doesn't make sense.
You should have heard it before I said it! - Everybody ready? - Yeah! - Well, Mayday, knock 'em dead.
- Thanks.
- You ready, Sammy? - Yeah.
I am.
Dave, listen.
I'd like to do this, if you don't mind.
Yeah.
We can talk about my greatest thrill in sport, then I wanna talk about my triumph over alcoholism.
Good.
Very good.
It could be very powerful.
Then we could talk about Cheers, what I'm doing now.
And we could talk about what I'd do about the crisis in the Mideast.
Yeah.
The Cubs got that by three and a half games.
Should be a stimulating evening! Ready.
A little bit more to the left, guys.
- Roll tape.
- Rolling.
Action! l'm standing here in a popular Boston watering hole called Cheers.
What's wrong with his voice? Come on, Diane, this is television! Cut the tape, Ernie.
- Come on, Sam! - I'm sorry.
- I gotta start over now! - You'll be alright.
Gee whizz.
- Roll it, Ernie.
- Rolling.
I'm standing in a popular watering hole called Cheers.
Most of you will recognise the guy standing next to me.
Maybe you don't when he's not in his Red Sox uniform.
This is Sam "Mayday" Malone, ex-relief pitcher from the Boston Red Sox, now owner and bartender at Cheers.
- How you doing, Sam? - I'm alright, Dave, thanks.
That's great.
You've been out of baseball for five years.
Do you miss it? I miss the fans.
The people of Boston were very good to me.
Yeah.
Tell us about some of the great moments you had here.
I guess I'd have to say one day in Baltimore.
You wanna tell us a little bit about that, Sam? Well, I was working both ends of a double header.
It's the old story.
First game, bottom of the ninth.
I'm coming in with a man on second and third.
We're holding on to a one-run lead against the Birds.
Boog Powell's coming up.
I could feel the wind from his warm-up swings.
He had the heaviest bat in the League.
Papers were full of him.
I figure the only way to get him is to challenge him on the first pitch.
If I get cute, he'll kill me.
So I decide I'm gonna make him wait on me, make him sweat.
I adjust my cap, go down to the rosin bag, walk around the mound.
When I figure he's getting antsy Dave, John McEnroe called.
Said he's got something to get off his chest.
McEnroe.
Dave, what Sam, thank you.
I'll catch you later.
- What happened? - I guess he got a better interview.
No.
What happened to the Boog person? He grounded to third.
- Coach, let's serve some drinks.
- Right, Sam.
Tennis is a sissy game.
- Come on.
We got thirsty people.
- Damn shame, Sammy.
No sweat.
I'm gonna be in back, cleaning up.
- That's our job, Sam.
- It's my bar, Carla! Carla, will you watch my customers while I'm gone, please? Sure.
I'll act geeky, give 'em the wrong drinks.
- They'll never know you're gone.
- Thanks.
Sam, this could be a crucial moment in your life.
It's vitally important you handle your emotions properly.
The worst thing anyone in a situation like this could do is to repress his feelings.
Diane, get out, please.
You need to lash out.
To release yourself.
Scream.
- Get out! - Wonderful! Alright.
We need now to move away from brute emotions into the more cerebral.
Tell me in one sentence what you perceive to be your problem now.
You won't leave.
Let's come back to that.
Other people have been through what you're feeling.
Even, in a slightly different way, myself.
Would you like me to share an experience from my life when I was defeated and humiliated? Diane, I don't wanna hear a lead in a high school play story.
It's not a lead in the high school play story.
I don't wanna hear an "I didn't get asked to the junior prom" story.
It's not an "I didn't get asked to the junior prom" story.
I sure don't wanna hear an "I didn't get elected cheerleader" story.
OK, if you're just gonna make a big joke about it I hit it, didn't l? Sam, I was terrific! What happened to me today put a period at the end of my career.
The last thing I need is a cheerleader right now.
Well, that's what you need the most! You know, I was looking at you at that interview today.
I didn't see a washed-up ex-former has-been.
No, I saw a guy who has a great deal to look back on with pride.
And a great deal to look forward to with hope.
Yeah? It didn't hurt that you were standing next to a Cro-Magnon.
Sam, here's the point.
You have to put the past behind you.
You have to turn and face the future.
You have to open your eyes, see what's in front of you.
You're young, you're alive.
Feel that in your whole body.
Appreciate what you've got.
Live for today.
Go for it, Sam! I tell you, go for it! Are you OK? Yeah I'm fine.
Look.
One of my lights is out! It's a reflex I learned in a class.
Practical Feminism.
What was your final? Crippling a Buick? I'm sorry I had to do that, but I came in with honourable intentions of helping you out.
No, I'm sorry, you're right.
Thank you.
I really appreciate you coming in here.
High point of my day.
How long have you wanted to do that? Do what? Kiss me.
How long have you denied that burning desire? It just came to me.
It was an impulse.
Good, cos if you've been thinking about anything between us, - it's out of the question.
- No, I haven't.
Good.
Listen, Diane.
Thank you.
I will put the past behind me, and tomorrow I'll feel better.
But tonight I'm gonna feel bad.
OK? Yeah, OK.
Will you do me a favour? You want me to try and take your purse, right? OK, I deserved that.
No, I'm curious.
I want to hear about the Booger.
- The what? - The guy from Baltimore.
Listen, I may not have had 80 majors, but I know when I'm being patronised.
Second game, bottom of the ninth, Boog's up again - Again? - I'm seeing the clown in my dreams.
See, if I serve him a gopher ball, we're five games out of first place with eight to play.
There's only one guy on base, but it's Don Buford.
He's over there dancing around.
I had to go over there 20 times.
To talk to him about dancing? No.
You see, you gotta throw the ball to first to keep the runner close to the bag.
If you don't Wait.
Don't you throw the ball at the batter? Look, this story's going nowhere.
Let's just forget it.
- Good.
Now my cheerleader story.
- OK, Buford's on first - Where? - Right there.
Put it down.
Easy mistake.
I'll give you another shot.
Gentlemen.
One more time, please.
Let me give you a chance to break even.
I feel just terrible!