Family Guy s01e05 Episode Script

[Cheery instrumental music.]
Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
LOIS: Stewie, those books aren't for babies.
Here.
Watch the Teletubbies.
How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind.
Fuzzy.
[Giddy laughter.]
Tickle.
God.
The more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away! TELETUBBIES: Again! Again! Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Dear God, please once more! PETER: Sorry, Stewie.
A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.
I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! Thank you.
When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
LOIS: [Singing.]
"It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good, old-fashioned values "on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you "all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy" Attention, please.
Tomorrow is softball practice.
We have a lot of work to do for Saturday's game.
Don't forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties.
[Raucous laughter.]
[Peter giggles.]
Look at those morons and their stupid glasses.
Oh, man.
I hate those guys.
More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of M* A*S*H.
When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy? Am I right? Who's with me? This year we will defeat those Pranksters with our secret weapon Guillermo.
[Screaming.]
Bravo! I hired Guillermo because I believe he'll be an asset to our company on and off the field.
MR.
WEED: You have impeccable credentials.
I'm sure I can find a position for you somewhere.
Back to work, people.
PETER: Mr.
Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of TV action figures.
Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation.
Cute as a button fat as a cow radioactive scorpion.
Watch out, Mrs.
Garrett.
Here comes Blair.
- I'll consider it.
- He'll consider it! I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park.
[Applause on TV.]
Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle.
"Go tuck yourself in.
" PAT: You got it.
Well, you were close, Dad.
Yeah.
I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt.
" Come on, Brian.
I gotta get to softball practice.
Practice? I thought we'd go next door and welcome our new neighbors.
No.
I don't want anything to do with neighbors.
Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster.
Never saw it again.
If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it.
[Short-circuiting.]
Peter, they might be very nice people.
"Very nice people.
" Yeah, that's what they always say.
Then you open up the septic tank and Skeleton city! [Panting.]
Pervert! Don't flatter yourself, honey.
I don't have any sweat glands.
MR.
WEED: Okay, time for batting practice, my Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Boys.
Guillermo, you're up.
Unfortunately Johnson isn't here to pitch today.
His wife is in labor.
Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch.
I don't know what's more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity.
Oh, how hard [Laugh track.]
Oh, how hard can it be to pitch? - Okay.
Take your base.
- Somebody call 911.
Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel! Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired! Man.
What'll I do if I get fired? I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model.
FEMALE VOICE 1: I don't wanna be like everyone else.
MALE: But I don't want to be different.
FEMALE VOICE 2: I just want to be.
PETER: What was the name of the bad guy from Tron? This is gonna drive me nuts! LOIS: Moving is never easy on a family.
Well, we are gonna miss the go-go-go pace of Providence.
But with number two on the way, Joe thought it was time to move.
And I can't say no to Joe.
Ever.
Quahog can be pretty exciting, too.
Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo.
l-17.
Darn it.
[Screams.]
I haven't played Bingo in years! Silence! Ever since you two met, you've done nothing but wax idiotic! I must escape this infernal babble! [Chuckles.]
What a little explorer.
Yes.
He's so full of wonder.
To be the Lindbergh baby right about now.
BONNIE: Joe, you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin.
It's a pleasure, Lois.
Who's the little guy? This is Stewie.
Honey, say hi to Mr.
Swanson.
You will bow to me.
MEG: Hi.
I'm Meg.
I live next door.
I know.
I've admired you in the garden from afar.
- Will you go out with me? - I'd love to.
[Romantic instrumental music.]
CHRIS: Oh, he's gay.
MEG: You wish! Get out of here, you mouth breather! PETER: I'm as good as fired.
Where the hell am I gonna find a guy as strong as Guillermo? One time I walked into the locker room, I swear he was bench-pressing Mr.
Weed.
PETER: Great.
Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors.
BRIAN: She wants you to meet them.
PETER: She's always making me be social.
Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem.
What? Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference.
- You must be Peter.
Joe Swanson.
- Yeah, yeah.
Nice to meet you, Phil.
You got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too.
So, don't think you always have to bug me.
I'll keep that in mind.
Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow? Man, you neighbors are like viruses.
Starts with a screwdriver.
Before you know it, you're using my supermarket my dry cleaner, and even my postman.
Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?" What an ass.
- Did you find a replacement for the team? - No.
Believe me, I've been looking.
Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team.
But he wishes to know what compensation you offer.
Me love you long time.
Gosh, I'd like to help.
But I've gotta go out in the hall and chew on my ass for five minutes.
LOIS: Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie to your game on Saturday.
Lois, I don't want those people there.
See, this is why I ask you to submit everything to me in writing first.
Bonnie told me Joe is a big baseball fan.
He played in college.
He did? Welcome to the neighborhood.
Hiya, Joe.
- Peter! - Don't get up.
This is a surprise.
I kinda thought you didn't like me.
What? Because of what I said this afternoon.
No.
See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth.
Go to hell! Whoops.
See what I mean? I'm so sorry.
I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver.
Are you kidding? You can borrow whatever you want.
Great.
Say, you don't happen to have any picture wire, do you? Picture wire? You son of a bitch.
[Dreamy ringing.]
Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again.
I don't want to impose.
No problem.
That's what neighbors do.
You know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday.
PETER: What do you say, neighbor? JOE: Sounds fun.
So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement.
[Mickey voice.]
See you at the game, Joe.
[Cheery instrumental music.]
- Hey, you want a piece of gum? - Thanks.
- That was joke gum.
- What do you mean? Now you're addicted to heroin.
I'm cold.
LOIS: Hey, Peter! MR.
WEED: It's nice that your family is here.
If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them at home.
He'll be here, Mr.
Weed.
You should see this guy in action.
PETER: He can hit, he can throw JOE: Peter! MR.
WEED: What's he doing in a wheelchair? Holy crip, he's a crapple! Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic? Okay, Joe, you got me.
Rise and shine.
Come on.
- Stand and deliver.
Get the hell up.
- You're a hoot, Peter.
- Play ball! - Let's do it! I swear I didn't know.
Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him.
JOE: I got shortstop.
The movers tracked grease all over my carpet.
- I tried everything to get the stain out.
- What about lemon juice? - What about club soda? - What about shutting the hell up? Isn't baseball great? They say baseball's the national pastime.
I can't taste salt.
Crap! Don't hit it to Joe.
Please don't hit it to Joe! [Fans cheering.]
You're out! All right, Joe! Way to earn that parking space! BONNIE: All right! LOIS: Did you see that? BONNIE: That's my Joe! STEWIE: What the deuce? Half man, half machine.
STEWIE: Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans! Go, cyborg! [Fantastical instrumental music.]
MR.
WEED: It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders! [Whooshing.]
MR.
WEED: All right, Joe! Run! All right, Joe! Come on! Yeah! MR.
WEED: Hurry! Joe! All right! Yes, vamos! PLAYER: Let's hear it for Joe! Yeah, let's hear it for the guy who found Joe! Okay.
That's finger suckin' good, huh? It's an old policemen's recipe.
Eat up, everyone.
Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket.
BONNIE: Joe, you're so funny.
They love that one down at the Precinct.
This sucks, Brian.
Joe is stealing my thunder.
Hey, everybody! Time to limbo! - Face it.
He's the life of the party.
- Yeah? I'll show you who's the life of the party.
Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin.
Guys? Guys? JOE: That's my idea.
MR.
WEED: Peter, come here.
Finally.
A little recognition.
Joe has the most wonderful idea.
Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys, you know to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged! That's what kids want to play with.
Yeah.
A Beanie Baby in a bubble.
What about my idea? Come on! Tootie morphs into a stink bug.
Joe, you're exactly the kind of man we need at our company.
Peter, make yourself useful.
Go get Joe a drink.
Jeez, first he takes my friends.
Then he takes my job.
But the way I wear my hat No, no.
He can't take that away from me.
You! How came you by this metal construct? - I demand to know who made you! - Stewie, it's not polite to point.
I'm so sorry.
That's okay, Lois.
He's just curious about the chair.
About 10 years ago I was investigating a robbery at an orphanage.
JOE: It was Christmas Eve and some presents had been stolen.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Grunting.]
Reach for the sky, dirtbag! All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas.
[Exciting instrumental music.]
"You think you have won You think all is well "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!" [Screaming.]
Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy.
Enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably I shall take the information from you by force! Wow.
Looks like you have a fan.
- Come on.
Let's get out of here.
- Peter, you can't leave.
Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd take them on a dream vacation to Hawaii right now.
Say aloha, kids.
What are you talking about? We want to hear more of Mr.
Swanson's stories.
He's cool, Dad.
He killed a guy.
Well, technically he was killed by the state, but funny story.
He did curse my name just before the injection.
LOIS: Peter, what's the matter with you? Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe? You don't admire wheelchair people.
You're supposed to feel sorry for them.
When did it become okay to be handicapped? Don't talk like that! He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him! Fine.
Then why don't you all marry him? And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this.
Hey, look at me.
I'm walking.
I'm a remarkable man.
[People laughing next door.]
Well, look who finally came home.
I thought you were gonna spend all night at Joe's.
I could've.
That man has got magic fingers.
He found this one spot behind my ear, I Forget about it.
I thought my leg was never gonna stop.
I don't believe this.
My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on.
It's not too hard to see why.
He's a hero.
He makes the world a better place.
I've done lots of things to help people.
Remember the time I sang to the kids at the Sunday school? Yes, you forgot the words.
[Singing.]
"Jesus loves me "He loves me a bunch "Because He always puts Skippy "In my lunch" No.
It's not the same thing.
Joe puts himself in real danger every day.
You're right.
I'll never be that kind of hero.
Unless I put myself in real danger, too! For my family's sake! BRIAN: Why are the pretty ones always so dumb? [Creepy instrumental music.]
[Screaming.]
[Cat squealing.]
DISPATCH: Gang shooting on Third and Main.
Three wounded, one dead.
- Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier? - No.
It's my new police scanner.
This hero thing is gonna be easy once I find the right crime.
DISPATCH: Domestic disturbance PETER: Boring! DISPATCH: Report of a stabbing in DISPATCH: All units! A major robbery is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust.
Suspects are armed and extremely dangerous.
- Perfect! Where's Lois and the kids? - Over at Joe's.
Well, go fetch 'em.
They're about to see a real hero in action.
To the Batcave! [Adventurous instrumental music.]
[Bats crying.]
PETER: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! PETER: You thought Joe was something.
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
LOIS: Peter, what's the big rush? All right, you guys wait right here.
Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal.
ROBBER 1: Give Tammy a round of applause.
This was her first robbery and she was very brave.
[Muted laugh.]
Now before we go No, don't go.
Oh, princess, we have to.
PETER: I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys.
Because there's a five-year sleepover at the big house.
And you're invited.
ROBBER 2: You'll never take us alive! [Gunshots.]
Lois and the kids should be in here to see this.
Yes.
It's going very well.
Mom, what do you do when you like a boy but he doesn't even notice you? Meg loves Kevin.
Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit! Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl.
He'll come around.
Such a mom answer.
Have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer? Creepy.
I saw some cute dresses down the street.
If nothing else, it'll make you feel better.
Come on, you guys.
BRIAN: If you want to be a hero, now might be a good time.
This isn't what I was expecting.
I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
[Heroic instrumental music.]
PETER: Sorry, Wonder Woman.
I got three kings.
Now let's see your pair.
[Wonder Woman sighs.]
All right.
Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
[Space whooshing.]
ROBBER 2: Come on.
Let's go.
Oh, perfect.
ROBBER 2: We got hostages! Don't try anything funny! Don't worry, Brian.
I got a plan.
Good.
I was afraid you were just gonna improvise.
Actually, I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell.
But improvise, that'll be easier on my back.
[Space whooshing.]
Okay, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wife.
PETER: Okay.
And where are we? GUY: A bar! MAN: A pet store! GRANNY: Guadalajara, Mexico! Okay, okay.
I heard pet store.
And I'm the gruff but lovable owner.
All right.
Begin.
Hello, married couple.
I see you found a puppy.
Yeah.
His name is Sparky.
PETER: Well, before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms.
Okay, drop it! All right, you guys.
Let's get out of here.
COP: All right, stand back! Whoa.
Hang on.
Sorry, no one can leave.
Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero.
This wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you? That's right! How'd you know? We've all been there.
CHRIS: Cool! The bank is getting jacked! LOIS: Officer, my husband's in there! - Can you tell me if he's okay? - What's he look like? LOIS: He's wearing a white-collared shirt, kind of big, with glasses.
COP: I got him.
LOIS: Oh, thank God.
- Take him out.
- No! Hey, there's my family.
I just want you to know I rob banks because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company.
So if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you.
[Tense instrumental music.]
But But I was gonna be a hero.
Nobody's going anywhere! Joe, it's Peter! He's in trouble! A failed robbery at Quahog Bank and Trust has led to a terrifying hostage situation.
That's right.
A hostage situation.
- I gotta go.
- I know.
If we want the cops to take us seriously, we have to waste a hostage.
But who? - Excuse me.
Shouldn't that be "whom"? - Okay, you.
Crap! JOE: This is Police Lieutenant Joe Swanson.
I know we can work this out.
Not him again.
I hope this place isn't wheelchair accessible.
Bonnie, it's Peter.
Don't worry.
Joe's an excellent negotiator.
I was a virgin when we met.
It took him three hours.
I can't believe my dad is in there.
This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life.
I got a new dress.
Try talking about him.
So do you like music? Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved.
But it interfered with my studies.
What do you listen to? You first.
I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur.
My parents don't like me listening to that stuff.
But I do anyway because I am not a robot! I also like Radiohead.
And even though society has turned its back on you I promise you there are people who care.
And you know what? I'm one of them.
He sure gets it.
Maybe he's right.
We can make a new start.
Come on, guys.
Don't let him sweet talk you like that.
Wait.
You can't leave now.
PETER: I'm supposed to be the hero.
Wait! Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera? Stupid robbers with your guns and your make-out parties.
[Crowd cheering.]
[Cops cheering.]
Excellent! They detached the human component from the machine.
Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go! Engage! Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system.
Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter.
LOIS: There you are.
I can't turn my back on you for a second.
One day I shall unlock the secret of that device.
And when I do, Mother, victory shall be Peter, you had us so worried.
What on earth were you trying to prove? I'm sorry.
Joe is a great guy.
I guess I was just tired of him being your hero.
Peter, Joe is a hero.
But he's not our hero.
- You are.
- Really? Yeah.
You're always right there on the couch for us, making us laugh when we're upset.
Changing the channel when something boring comes on.
Eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don't fight over it.
Yeah, Daddy.
If you hadn't pulled this stunt I wouldn't know how to manipulate Kevin.
And when the kids at school see us on TV they'll think you're a total psycho.
And I can say, "That psycho is my dad!" I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano, had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.
m.
I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys.
It's also about just being there for the people you love.
OLD WOMAN: Help! Someone just stole my purse! Who cares? I don't even know you.
[Theme music.]