Frasier s01e05 Episode Script

Hello, Doug, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
'Lt's about my mother.
She's getting on now and she hasn't much of a life.
'She doesn't want to do anything, go anywhere.
'She literally hangs around the house all day.
It is very frustrating.
' Can we go back for a second? You said your mother "literally" hangs around the house.
It's my pet peeve: You mean she figuratively hangs around the house.
To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey.
- 'Can I tell you my pet peeve? ' - Sure.
'I hate intellectuals with superiority complexes who nitpick your grammar 'when you ask for help.
That's what I've got a problem with.
' I think what he means is, "that is a thing, with which he has a problem.
" It's time for a station break.
We'll be back after this message from "Pizza, Pizza, Pizza".
Wanna hear my pet peeve? You're in a store, the clerk is helping you and the phone rings.
So he starts taking care of them.
You go, "I came here in person, while some joker at home "in his underwear is getting first-rate service.
" Don't you hate that? Actually, I do most of my shopping by phone.
This got me thinking about my father.
He doesn't do much, either.
He just sits around watching TV or doing the occasional crossword.
- What does your mother do? - Wisconsin Attorney General.
- No, really? - Really.
Oh I guess that helps fill her day.
She says, "Crime never stops, even in the dairy state.
" I don't think public office is for Dad, but Maybe I can find him a hobby.
Any suggestions? Mom likes to water-ski a little.
She hikes, oil paints Oh, she likes archaeology.
She's on a dig in Honduras right now.
Well, maybe I could get him a wood-burning set.
Is Dad still asleep? Yes, with the dog.
Eddie's legs are going like mad.
He's dreaming of chasing rabbits.
But why is your father twitching? Just about done with this thing.
Your dad will love it.
I was walking through the hobby shop.
It was "Eureka!" I actually said, "Eureka!" Ah, yes.
There are a million stories in the naked city.
Now, if we could just find a naked one.
Dr Crane! You naughty boy! Peeking in on other people's privacy! If people were concerned about their privacy, would they leave their blinds open where you can see the mantel mirror that reflects to the waterbed? Your father's coming.
Stand in front of it.
We'll make this a surprise.
- Hi, guys.
- How was your nap? I had the strangest dream.
A woman with bad breath was licking my face.
Hey, where'd you just come from? I got a surprise for you.
Hey, a telescope! That's a beaut! What's the occasion? - I just thought you'd like it.
- That's great, thanks! I saw on the news, there's a bunch of falcons on the Columbia Tower.
- I can watch them from here.
- Forget the falcons.
You can see everything in that building.
I'd lock people up for that.
It's innocent.
Just think of it as having like 100 more channels to watch.
Just look, people going about their lives.
There's an old couple watching telly.
Next door, an attractive young woman is working at a computer, while below her a burly man is sopping up a large pool of blood.
- Oh, God! - What? Oh, Daddy! Nah, that's tomato juice, you can see the can.
- Yes, she is a looker! - There's a voyeur in all of us.
Let's see what else the Seattle skyline has to offer.
I say we make a strict rule.
If anybody does anything nasty, we move on.
Agreed? I said "agreed"? Yeah.
There's a lady with a telescope looking back at us! - What shall we do? - Hide! Every time I do something bad, I get caught! Hi! How you doing? What are you doing? - She's waving, I'm waving back.
- Don't do that.
Why not? Wait, she's writing something! She's holding it up.
It says, "Hello, there, stranger.
" - Daphne, get me that pad and pen! - What for? I'll answer her.
Write down, "My name is Martin.
" You shouldn't encourage her.
I don't want people looking in on us.
I don't think I made my bed today.
Is she writing anything else? - Yeah"My name is Irene.
" - Her name's Irene.
- Thank you.
- Wait, she's writing something else! "Is that Dr Crane from the radio hiding there behind you?" It does not say that! Oh, it does say that! Hello! - Her oldest son is an accountant.
- He was the breech birth? - No, that's the dentist in Boise.
- Oh, right.
He's got the wife that won't let him visit.
I can't stand her.
Morning, Dad, Daphne.
Morning, Irene.
When you were a kid, what was that skin condition you had on your butt? Pityriasis rosea.
- How do you spell that? - Why? Irene and I are exchanging family histories.
- Don't tell your girlfriend about that.
- She's not my girlfriend! You've been exchanging notes for the last three days.
If you were in the sixth grade, you'd be sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
- Let me borrow that pad.
- What are you doing? I'm going to help along your little romance and maybe save a small forest.
- I'm giving her our number.
- No, don't do that! - Why? - She'll think I'm being too forward.
You met peeping into her apartment.
She won't call.
- Want to bet? - Yeah, five bucks.
(Phone) - Aren't you going to answer it? - You get it.
Dad, it's for you.
Hello? No, no, this is Frasier, hi.
I'm fine.
It, uh gets a little flaky when the weather is dry.
- Tell her I'm not home! - She knows you're home.
She can see you through the telescope.
- Come on, you're just a little nervous.
- Hello? Hi Yeah, it's nice hearing yours.
Can you hold on a minute? Would you two get out of here? I'm getting a very good feeling about this.
- You really think he's interested in her? - Yes, I think so.
Do you want to hear something cute? I made him this rich coffee cake.
You know what a sweet tooth he has.
And he wouldn't even take one bite, because as he put it, "Women don't like a spare tyre on a man.
" That's so cute.
Oh, it's funny.
The twists and turns of fate.
If I had tried to set Dad up with a woman, he would've refused.
But I go out, get him a telescope and it kindles this romance.
It's kismet.
- Well? - What? - What happened? - We talked.
Was she nice, interesting? What did she say? - A lot of stuff.
- So, you'll be seeing each other? - She wanted to, but I said no.
- Why? She's not my type.
Oh, coffee cake! We got any butter around here? You know the pompous twit who's president of my wine club? At the meeting, I convinced my fellow psychiatrists to play a prank on him.
Thinking he was tasting a Chateau Petrus, he was in fact sipping a Fourcas-Dupré.
- You see, we'd switched the labels.
- What scamps you are.
There he was, proclaiming the Petrus to be the superior wine, and none of us could contain our laughter.
His face must have turned redder than a Pichon-Longueville.
Of course, as so often happens, roughhouse turns to tears.
At the end of the evening, he tendered his resignation.
That must have ruined the evening.
- Not really, I'm the new president.
- Kudos, indeed.
Oh! Are Dad and his lady friend still playing telescope footsie? - What was her name? - Irene.
No, they've broken it off.
Already? I thought it was going well.
It was, then they spoke once and then Dad said she wasn't his type.
It's over.
He's cut her out of his life.
I just don't understand why he did that.
Who knows why anybody does anything? Remind me again what you do for a living.
It was one phone call.
How can you make a judgment about someone from one phone call? Remind me again what you do for a living.
I suppose it could be any number of reasons - fear of rejection, shyness Maybe she just wasn't his type.
If only we knew someone who was.
I know! Maris's lovely Aunt Patrice is in town visiting from Washington DC.
Maybe we should set Dad up with her? I've met Aunt Patrice.
She's a loon.
Do this for me.
When Aunt Patrice visits, Maris dives under the duvet with a two-week migraine, and I'm left holding the bag, literally and figuratively.
No, I don't think so.
I know Dad.
Don't meddle.
- At least say hello to Aunt Patrice.
- I'm not driving out there.
She's out in the car.
- You left her in the car? - I cracked open a window.
Oh, then she's fine.
No, calm down, son.
Listen to Daddy.
It's just a bad dream, I promise you.
Senator Thurmond is not in your closet.
That's a good boy.
All right.
You go back to bed now I love you, too.
I'll see you next weekend.
OK, bye-bye.
- How's Freddy? - He's fine.
He thanks you for the toy gun you gave him.
Or what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it with a croquet mallet.
Oh, it's such a beautiful night.
The city is lit up like a jewel.
Oh, look, there's Irene! She's sitting in her window wearing a stunning green dress.
But her face It's so sad! Oh Oh, she's holding a note.
It says, "Martin, was it something I wrote?" Will you cut it out.
Irene is not sitting in her window! All right, but she might as well be.
(Doorbell) - Ever met a woman who's not the one? - Yes.
Five years after I married her.
Hello, there Frasier.
Niles! I was specifically not expecting you.
You remember Aunt Patrice? Of course, Aunt Patrice.
I don't recall when we met, but I remember a lot of laughing, dancing.
- My husband's funeral.
- Yes! Of course! Of course, the laughter was to hide our tears.
- Let me take your wrap.
- We were driving and I thought, "We're just a couple of short ferry rides from Frasier's.
" So we decided to pop over.
Is this the charming gentleman you were talking about? You bloodhound, you've treed another one.
Yes, this is my dad.
How are you, Patrice? I'm Martin Crane, this is Daphne Moon.
- Nice to meet you.
- Please.
What brings you to Seattle? I came to see Maris, but she's taken to her bed again.
I still have no idea how tall she is.
Patrice and I've had a great time.
If you call sitting in your waiting room reading old magazines a great time, then, yes, we had a laugh riot.
Now I know where Maris gets her sense of humour.
Why don't I pop in the kitchen and get us all some refreshments.
A capital idea.
We'll join you and give these kids time to get to know one another.
- I told you not to bring her here.
- I ran out of ways to entertain her.
We went to the arboretum, a fashion show, we even spat off the top of the Space Needle.
I'm sorry, I cracked.
That woman is not Dad's type.
You never know when love can bloom between two different people.
Daphne? I never thought opposites attract.
Neither do I.
We're alike.
- We can't leave Dad alone with her.
- I'm sure they're doing fine.
D'go y'gou sp'geak g'g-speak'g? - I was afraid of this.
- What? D'go y'gou sp'geak g'g-speak'g? Niles, I think she's having a stroke or something.
No Dad, it's just g-speak.
- Come again? - She trots it out at parties.
You just put a "g" in every syllable.
So, you would be M'gar'g'tin g'Crane.
Just say it with me.
Come on: M'gar'g'tin I don't think Dad's interested.
- Oh, b'ge a good sp'gort, N'giles.
- What? - "Be a sport, Niles.
" - B'ge a'g sp'gort, ta-dah! Dad, you still have your billy club? It's in my top drawer.
It's all the rage in Washington.
You know who speaks it all the time? G'george Ste'g'pha'g'no'g'poul'g'os.
I got pizza rolls but the expiration date was yesterday.
Are we game? That's not necessary, Daphne.
We don't want to spoil our appetites for that dinner in 20 minutes.
That's right, that dinner in 20 minutes! I told you we shouldn't have just stopped by.
- These people have plans.
- How I envy them.
It was such a pleasure meeting you.
- Likewise.
- Oh, no.
You can do better than that! (Giggles) Oh, I look forward to my next trip to Seattle! If you're ever in Washington.
I'm in the b'gook.
What the hell was that? - I feel sorry for the poor thing.
- I feel sorry for Niles.
That's who I'm talking about.
- You know I saw what you just did.
- What did I do? When she went to hug you, you moved away.
- Wouldn't you? - You moved away from the window.
You didn't want Irene to see you.
You care about her.
Go chase yourself.
You do.
Something is stopping you from having a relationship with her.
You won't let go of this thing! - No, I won't.
- All right.
- Irene's middle name is Rose.
- So? Rose is a nice name.
It was Mother's middle name.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Dad.
Look, you can't feel guilty about that.
Mom's been gone for six years now.
Your feelings for Irene are separate from those for Mom.
If Mom was here, - she'd want you to get on with your life.
- OK.
When I'm ready.
Thanks Frasier.
I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
Thanks.
There's something I don't say often enough There's nothing you don't say often enough.
Right, Dad.
I couldn't help but overhear.
That was a very nice thing to say.
Yeah, he's a good kid.
Strangely, I could have sworn Irene's middle name was Marie.
- No.
- I can check.
I still have all our notes.
All right, I had to tell him something.
He just won't believe me when I tell him Irene isn't my type.
- You sure? - You gonna get on my back, too? No, but I was wondering if the reason why things didn't work out between you and Irene was well - What? - Well, maybe if you weren't a bit self-conscious about your hip? That's ridiculous.
I'm glad to hear that.
You don't have anything to be self-conscious about.
With that silvery mane, twinkling blue eyes and whisky voice, you're quite a package.
- Yeah, I'm quite a catch.
- You are.
And you know as well as I do, history is full of sexy limpers.
For instance, Franklin D Roosevelt.
Of course, he didn't limp so much as roll.
Toulouse-Lautrec.
Although he was a little person.
Still, he did well with the ladies.
Of course, they were all prostitutes.
But he was French - there's no explaining their taste.
- What's your point? - I guess I don't have one.
It's just me.
But there is one little thing, every time you went to the telescope to see Irene, you hid your cane.
I just put it off to the side so I wouldn't trip over the damn thing.
I knew there was a good reason.
It must feel awful silly when that cane trips you up.
- Hurry up! She'll be here any minute.
- All right.
Have I got this tie on right? It needs a minor adjustment.
What's all this hair on it? The only way I can get the knot right, is if I tie it on Eddie first.
Has dating changed much in the last 40 years? Well, the wardrobe is a little different, but your ultimate goal is still the same.
- I'm glad you changed your mind.
- Me too.
Thanks for our little talk.
Yeah, my pleasure.
Let's see, you got a hankie.
Terrific.
- Got your keys? Don't be out too late.
- Frasier! Just busting your chops.
(Doorbell) Oh, my God! Will you two relax? A word to the wise If she asks you up to her place after dinner, close the drapes.
Hi, Irene.
Nice to finally meet you.
# Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy! # And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Good night everybody!