Home Improvement s01e05 Episode Script

Welcome to Tool Time, the show actually that teaches you how to improve your home.
- Morning, Al.
- Morning, Tim.
Honey, I am freezing cold.
Feel my hands.
Hey! Ooh.
I'll warm them.
Here, slip them into the Taylor Toast-O-Matic oven.
Those babies are colder than a witch's - Tim are we seeing this again? - This is destined to become a classic.
What is this, the the third time you've watched it? It's got everything - action, drama, latex paint, and God, I look good in that vest, don't I? No, really, honey.
I'm so cold.
Would you go down and check the furnace? 'Cause I think that the pilot light must be out.
You're saying lighting a pilot's a man's job? No.
I'm saying it's your job.
Look, you're afraid to go down into that deep, dark basement, aren't you? No, I'm not afraid.
I just don't like it, you know, when the furnace goes "whoosh.
" All right.
I'll light the pilot light if I get a big kiss.
- Do I have to? - You have to.
OK, but only if I really have to.
- Oh, gross.
- It's not even dark yet.
Ignore them.
Maybe they'll go away.
Honey, you have to do the furnace now because Mark's Scout troop is coming, and I don't want a house full of little frozen Cub-sicles.
Right away.
Dad, Dad, check this out.
I can tell your future with these cards.
- A kid at school showed me.
- Can you? I got the three of diamonds.
That means I'm gonna be rich.
OK.
The fourth card from the top is your card.
- Deal it, buddy.
- One two three Ha! Ace of spadoes.
Read it and weep.
- What? - It's the death card, Dad.
Yeah, right.
Let me deal those.
Cut 'em like a man.
- OK.
- I can see it now: Cars, cash, big homes, boats Death.
Double death.
- How long do you think I have? - Long enough to light the furnace.
She's right.
We got work to do.
Down to the basement, because one day, boys, you will have a cold woman of your own, and you have to learn how to light her furnace.
What? Come on.
Down to the basement.
Come on, guys.
OK, guys come on down to the basement, the climate control center of our house.
Now, watch what you're doing.
Oh! Aah! I want you guys to meet a friend of mine, the Binford Vulcan-O-Master 5000.
A quantum leap ahead of the 4000 model which we replaced earlier this year, this is 150,000 BTUs.
- What's a BTU? - Technical term.
Yeah, but what's it stand for? U is because it's a unit.
B is because it's a big, beautiful, Binford.
That's B.
T is heat.
Big Heat Unit.
That's what this is.
- Dad, heat starts with H.
- Give me that flashlight, will you? Dad, heat starts with H.
Heat ends with T.
Heat.
Heat, heat.
Now, working on a furnace is a delicate operation, almost like working on a time bomb.
Wow.
That's how he's gonna die.
He's gonna blow himself up.
No, that's not how I'm gonna die, because your Dad is gonna practice furnace safety tips.
OK.
Access panel here says, "Press button, hold 15 seconds, and" Open your mouth, or the shock waves from the blast will make your head explode.
No explosion, no death.
Why? Why? Because your dad laughs in the face of fear.
Excuse me, fellas.
Jill, set it back to "auto," and the heat is now working, hon.
Ohh! - What was that? - Shh.
Be very quiet.
What is it? I think it's over there behind the boxes.
- Boy, I hope it's not that.
It couldn't be.
- What? What? Yesterday, at the zoo I read that a panther escaped.
- Yeah, right, Dad.
- I'm not kidding.
Don't make any sudden moves.
Just head toward the stairs.
It could be anywhere.
It could be Ha-ha.
It's just a mouse or something, probably.
What if it's not a mouse? It could be a snake.
Hey, there's nothing funny about snakes.
Don't joke about that.
There's nothing funny about slimy reptiles! Nothing! Hey, maybe it's a big, huge python.
Enough, enough! It's a mouse, a mouse.
Of course, it could be a huge one that likes to eat little kids like you! Hey, hey! Do I have to put in speed bumps? - Mom.
- Yeah? - What are we gonna make? - I am going to have the whole Scout troop make their own paper-bag masks.
Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real teepee.
- She did? - Yeah, and she made us beef jerky from raw meat.
Billy's mom is a Stepford wife.
You're getting pizza and paper bag masks.
Well, I guess I better put on my uniform.
Honey, mission accomplished.
Furnace is lit, operational.
- That, however, is the good news.
- The good news? What's the bad news? Well, I can't tell you.
You'll probably go crazy.
Oh, please.
I never go crazy.
I found something soft and furry that rhymes with "house.
" - Oh, God.
- There's a famous one named Mickey.
It's a mouse.
Oh, God.
A mouse with beady little eyes and toe-jammy little nails.
Jill, it's just a little innocent thing.
Tim, they are dirty.
They carry disease.
They eat garbage.
So do the boys.
You're not afraid of them.
Yes, I am.
You hear that? Tim, don't! I thought I heard toenails, - toe-jammy things, scraping - Stop it.
Stop it.
They're so little, they just run anywhere, right up people's backs.
Quit it! Just quit it! Hey, it's in the basement.
Get off the chair, please.
Would you please just call an exterminator? - Exterminator? - Yeah.
Pest control is my domain.
Termites fear me, mice whisper my name.
"Hey, forget the cheese.
Come back to the hole.
It's Tim.
Come on, come on.
He'll kill you.
He'll kill you.
" - I'll go see if Wilson has my traps.
- No, no.
Don't kill it.
From filthy little vermin to your fuzzy little friend.
Where did that start? Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I want to see it dead.
Otherwise I'd have set traps for your mother years ago.
Trap wouldn't stop her.
She'd just chew her leg off.
- Wilson? - Hi-ho, neighbor.
Hey, Wilson, do you have any of those humane traps for mice? Since when did you become a trapper? Well, Wilson, I think I heard a mouse in my basement.
Jill got real freaked out over that itty-bitty thing.
Can you believe that? Well, fear is perfectly natural.
Everybody's afraid of something.
What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of? I do have one underlying fear, Tim.
I'm afraid that reality as we know it is someone else's dream, and when the dreamer awakes, I'll no longer exist.
Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.
- Back to the trap thing.
- Sure, good buddy.
So, you said you heard noises in the kitchen? - No, in the basement.
- In the basement.
You've been hearing all sorts of what, scratching noises? - No, kind of more of a rustling.
- Rustling? Yeah.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
Tim, my boy, I don't think you have a problem with mice.
- Great.
- No, no.
- It sounds like you might have a snake.
- Oh, God! - You're scared of snakes, Tim? - Ugh, man.
Snakes are supposed to live in the woods.
Well, this whole area used to be woods, but as man has taken over his habitat, they've become suburban snakes.
Suburban snakes? What, they work here, commute back to the woods? That it? No, they could be right here living in your own backyard, or somebody in the neighborhood could be breeding snakes.
All you need is a cardboard box and a light bulb.
What kind of a sicko would breed snakes? Well, Tim, snakes are clean, low-maintenance pets.
Plus, they have a very firm, nutty-tasting flesh.
So, what's the deal? Are you gonna set some traps? Wilson doesn't think we need one.
I'm calling the exterminator.
- Why? - He doesn't think we have mice.
Oh, no.
It's a rat.
Worse snake.
- Snake? - Where? Oh, no! Oh, God, not a snake! That's a Wait a minute.
Didn't you tell me that you saw a mouse? - Well, I didn't see it in the visual sense.
- Well, you jerk.
You lied to me.
- I didn't lie.
I was kidding.
- Kidding? - Mom, Dad, come look what I found.
- Just a second, Randy.
Kidding? You were just torturing me with all those little mouse sounds.
Well, come on, what's the big deal? - Everybody likes to be scared.
It's fun.
- Fun? - Dad.
- What is it? God! Look it! - Holy! - I found a snakeskin.
Ha! This is fun.
This is fun.
Dad, did you know the deadliest snake in the world is a carpet viper? It has enough poison to kill ten men.
Brad, has that exterminator found anything down there? Not yet.
Damn.
Honey, what's taking him so long? Tim, we have a yard full of children.
We're supposed to be setting an example.
You have to calm down.
- Have a cookie.
- Hot cookie.
Hot cookie.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Dad, the exterminator wants to borrow a screwdriver.
You know where they are.
Get it yourself.
No.
You always say not to touch your tools.
You better get him one.
What's he want - standard, Davis, Phillips, flat head, what? - Flat head.
- All right - Find the snake? - Sorry.
I did my best, but I didn't find a thing.
- Nothing cool ever happens here.
- Randy You're telling me there's not a snake in this house? Well, it probably moseyed on back outside.
That happens nine times out of ten.
- Nine times out often? - Uh-huh.
What happens the other time? I tell you, it's funny.
Those snakes They pop right up out of the strangest places.
Boy, I could write a book.
Golly.
Yeah, I've seen them curl up inside of teapots.
Oh, there was one time - popped right up out of the toilet.
Of course, like I said, that's rare.
Besides, you don't have anything to worry about.
Judging from that skin your boy found, it's not poisonous.
Well, I'll see you folks.
Wait! Wouldn't you like to stay and have a cup of coffee? I've got lots of appointments.
- Well, toodle-oo.
- Bye.
Mom, Jimmy Wagner wants to go home.
- Why? - He got the death card.
- Brad! - Randy! Come on, don't be a weenie.
Everybody's got to die sometime.
Hey, guys, get away from him.
Come on, go back in the house.
- You all right? - I don't wanna die.
Oh, come here.
You're not gonna die.
- But I got the death card.
- Forget the death card.
I got two death cards today and I didn't die.
They were teasing you.
- But I'm scared.
- Oh, boy.
Come here.
Everybody's scared of something.
- Are you ever afraid? - My dad's never afraid.
He's the bravest man in the whole world.
You guys, all of you, even brave guys get afraid.
You know what a brave man does when he's afraid? What? He scares away fear.
You gotta be scarier than fear itself.
That's what you gotta do.
- How do you do that? - Well, look at me.
Get a real ugly face on.
Pretty ugly, huh? And you look at fear and you go You grunt loud.
Want to try that? That would work if you had just a little fear.
It's a big fear.
You gotta get a deep-down, manly grunt.
Mark, show him what I'm talking about.
See how scary that guy looks? Now you guys try.
Very good and very ugly.
All right, try.
Give me a good one.
I need a real good two in a row.
All right, three in a row.
Let's do it.
Come on, guys.
There's no fear here.
Get out of here, fear.
Dad.
Mom wants you to order pizza.
Pizza! You guys stay out here and practice grunting, and I'll get the pizza.
Number for the pizza place is by the phone.
Thanks, Jill.
Oh Hi.
How many pizzas do we need? Four large, but, you know, get different toppings.
All right, I need four larges with two meat Hold on a minute.
Is anybody allergic to anything out there? - Jimmy's allergic to everything.
- Am not.
All right, all right.
Apparently, we need a big cheese pizza with decongestant all over it.
I'm kidding around, fella.
All right.
Two cheese, one with pepperoni and sausage on Aah! There's a snake! That is a snake in my house, - Right there, that is a snake.
- OK, OK.
Everybody, quiet down.
Tim, hang up the phone.
I'll call the exterminator on the other phone.
- Why don't you get the snake out, Dad? - Why don't you shut up, Randy? - Hey.
- Dad, stick your finger in the light.
When the snake bites it, pull him out.
Can we talk for a minute? Maybe you didn't hear Dad the first time.
Shut up.
OK.
I've got the exterminator, but he says he can't come for an hour.
An hour? Where's he gonna crawl in an hour? Who knows? OK.
He says that you should look in the light fixture and see if the snake is still there.
- Right.
Can I talk to him for a minute? - Yeah.
Uh-huh Uh-huh You're right.
He says you're supposed to look in the light fixture and see if he's still there.
Me? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- I think you should do it.
- I'm so busy right now.
Tim, get over there and look in that light fixture.
I don't want to.
- Go ahead, Mr.
Taylor.
- You're not afraid, are you, Mr.
Taylor? My dad's not afraid of anything.
Show 'em, Dad.
Show 'em you're not scared.
Let's get ourselves a snake.
All right, Cub Scouts, outside.
I'm sorry.
You can watch through the glass.
Thanks.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
All right.
Brad, I need a pillowcase out of your bedroom.
Hurry up.
OK, what did he say? He says reach in that little tiny opening, get that little tiny snake by the back of his little tiny neck, pull him out of that little tiny hole, and put him gently in a pillowcase.
- You're gonna do that? - That's his plan.
My plan I'm gonna rip that light fixture right off that wall shove that into a pillowcase.
- Here you go, Dad.
- Brad.
Stand right there under the light and I'll jump that snake right in there.
- No way.
- What do you mean, "no way"? - Come on, Randy.
Help me out.
- Forget it.
OK, I'll do it.
Does that make you happy, your mom's doing it? It's fine by us.
Thanks, guys.
- Ready? - Ready.
Calm? No.
I can't.
Oh - Jill, Jill, Jill.
- I got it.
I got it.
I got it! Yes! There it is, boys.
Plan your work, work your plan.
The key to success.
- Dad? - Yeah? There's a snake behind you.
Oh, I bet there is.
Dad, he's serious.
It's right behind you.
Does it have the card of death in its mouth? You know, guys, I fell for that trick this morning.
Toolbox - remember that, huh? And you can take a practical joke too far, you know.
Dad, we're not joking.
It's moving towards you.
Why don't I just open my shirt and let him crawl right in, huh? Tim, the snake wasn't in the bag.
The snake is in my shirt! - Here you go, hon.
- Hey, thanks.
- How are you feeling? - Stupid.
I felt like a jerk in front of those Cub Scouts today.
Oh, they had a great time, and they learned some colorful new vocabulary.
Here, Dad.
I made this for you.
- What is it? - It's a snake badge for bravery.
Hey, that's very impressive.
Would you wear it on your TV show? You bet I would.
You're a good kid.
- Good night, Dad.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mommy.
- Good night, sweetie.
Good night, Mommy.
My youngest son gave me a snake badge for bravery.
Well, you did get rid of that snake.
But in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without you.
I think it's yours.
Well, we'll share it.
You know, I think we deserve a little pampering.
Hmm? How would you like a nice, hot bath with bubbles? I'd like that Bubbles.
Whoa! Five No, we've already seen his hand And five Five four