Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s01e05 Episode Script

Come on! All this time, I thought me right eye was failing.
It's been an old treacle toffee in me glasses pocket.
It's one of the less common eye diseases, treacle toffee.
I wonder how they'd have cured me if I hadn't discovered it in time.
Massive injections of wine gums.
What we come in 'ere for? For nothing! That's usually the attraction.
We've never been to a road-safety exhibition.
They keep having them.
They must fulfil some deep-seated need.
Aye.
Come on, kiddies.
There are other places we've never been that have a higher priority than road-safety exhibitions.
Such as what? The crematorium.
I always wanted to go to the Canary Islands one day.
Well, turn left when you get outside and shove off.
Left? I thought it were right for Canary Islands.
Oh, well, if you want to go via Heckmondwyke Doesn't everybody? Where's your sense of adventure? I used up most of mine when I had to give that bus conductress a pound.
Her with all that black leather.
Oh, Mrs Lucas.
Aye.
Funny name for an Obersturmbannfuhrer, "Mrs Lucas".
It were her bus what got Ernie Bignall.
I expect she threw him under for offering a pound.
She was a big lass.
Oh, a reet eight-wheeler! A bit full on the upper deck.
Ah, they were her main assets.
If that top button ever goes, there'll be scenes of wild disorder.
Whatever happened to Ernie Bignall, then? He tore all his jacket.
Poor thing.
God, how awful, being run over by Mrs Lucas.
I'd like to try my skill on the driving simulator.
The wha'? The driving simulator.
It's got a kid on it! Tha's a bit old in the choppers, aren't yer, to start playing with trains? It's a test of one's reflexes and co-ordination.
And some of us have more than others, which explains why we don't spit fragments of Eccles cake and dribble our tea.
You don't know how to enjoy owt.
Makes me sick to see you nibbling at a biscuit.
You're like some old spinster always making sure and checking to see her knees are closed.
Have you ever heard the expression "suffer little children"? Well, get off before it starts.
What's all this about, then? It's a serious instrument, like the bassoon or veterinary pliers.
You turn the wheel, watch the screen and it tells you where you are on the road.
That's rubbish.
We know where we are on the road.
We're in Percy Street.
Hasn't he got a wonderful sense of direction? The question is, can the modern motor vehicle be trusted? You slacken your grasp on the reins for an instant and it's liable to leap out and savage some other fella's car.
Oi! You have to have it destroyed.
Ow! I can't say I've ever been all that fond of motorcars, but you don't like to think of anybody being cruel to them.
Ah! 'Ey up! Ah, they're all right, is cars.
Our kid had one.
That's no recommendation.
He used to have scabs on his chin, but they never caught on with the general public.
They was only sore spots! He chapped easy.
Another one dribbling his tea.
No, he wasn't.
No, he wasn't! Dr Morris said he had an extra-fine skin.
Your Eric? Yeah! When he stripped off, he had a skin like a lily.
No wonder he used to get so intense about rugby league.
A right scruff, their Eric.
If he hadn't died young, nobody would've had a good word to say for him.
Have you never fancied the idea of learning to drive? Tha what? 'Ere, I know about them driving instructors.
They get you down the back lane, and the next thing is they got their hand on your willy.
'Ey up! Is that a road or a river? I don't know! Steady.
You went right up on the bank then.
Here we go.
Steady! HE LAUGHS Ah, missed it! Oh! How long have you been driving, then, as the crow flies? It's just pure mechanical envy on your part, that's all you're suffering from.
Well, I thought you showed great originality.
Most folk would've been content to stay on t'road.
Well, it just came to me.
I've never seen such a performance! It's nice to think that after all these years, my standard of driving has hardly changed.
Comforting, isn't it, that there are still a few things left untouched? But if we had a real car, we could get about more.
Get about more? The way you drive, we'd spend half the time in people's back kitchens.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you wouldn't, because, you see, with a real car, you've got things to keep you on the road, like kerbs and pedestrians.
But it's not the driving, it's being able to get about more, to travel farther afield.
Anyway, you can scoff.
Has tha got any of them mints? Eeh, dear.
There.
Ta.
Just look at it.
Like feeding a ready-mix concrete machine.
Just the same at school - him and Doggy Eastwood.
You used to eat everything but the ink wells.
I know.
And you go straight from that to Elgar in the music room.
Struck even at that age by the rich possibilities of life.
It were only when he clanged the SS medical and they discovered that he had a Jewish left leg that he signed on for tinkering corps.
"Swift and Sure" was our motto, "Certa Cito" the technological brains of the British Army.
We had one of them in our mob.
He couldn't find his way to t'cookhouse.
Well, it was hardly worth his while, was it, if you'd all been spitting on his bun? And I was there when it came to the fight for freedom.
Only him, you notice.
All on his jacksie.
And I was there willingly at the time.
But when you look around and see what they've done with their freedom, the thought occurs that I might just as well have stayed at home and scraped together a deposit for Cynthia Murchengrove.
No, you were better off on the battlefield, honest.
Phwoar! She would have made an excellent wife.
Oh, it doesn't always follow.
It doesn't always pay to rely on them being unattractive.
There ought to be something else.
With a face like hers, you'd soon be looking for something else, an' all.
Were you engaged? Not exactly.
Come on, now.
In those days, it had to be exactly or nothing round here! No, we had an understanding.
She was to be mine the moment I achieved an executive position with the water board.
And I had every prospect.
People retired, and now and again somebody would drown.
Then, of course, the War came and ruined everything.
You had a narrow squeak there.
It would have been just my luck not to have had a great war.
She saw me off to the Army, tears all over her platform ticket.
Six weeks later, I was back on a 48 to find her betrothed to this undermanager of the Maypole dairies.
He was using his position to supplement her butter ration.
Oh, you get that kind of frenzied madness in every war, people living only for the moment, buckshee butter.
You don't know how well off you are.
How well off ARE you, incidentally? Can you manage 15 quid? What?! By 'ell, he's got the reflexes of a young man.
Did you see him leap there, like he'd been stung? You could raise 15 quid.
I bet you've a little nest of it somewhere.
'Ey, he's got that insurance money.
By hell, this is a great area for financial discretion.
They even know the value of your spit! You could put your hands on 15 quid, Cyril, without disturbing your savings.
Well, what if I can? Don't he go a funny colour when his money's in danger? And why not? When I look at you, I can see how stylish poverty is.
I'm happy.
Aye, bloody slap happy, and look where it's got you.
Don't underestimate him, Cyril.
He didn't get like that overnight.
It's taken him years of dedicated mismanagement.
'Ey! Give us a fag and I'll let you waggle me loose tooth.
Hey! Eh? Look at that.
A car? At that price, we could manage it between us.
I thought you didn't like cars.
Well, it's true, we don't get on.
My dear wife, God rest the silly bitch, conceived this passion late in life for a one-owner Hillman.
Well, you were lucky.
Mine went for a chuffin' Pole.
But did you have to wax him every Saturday afternoon, vac his interior, lift up his bonnet and pour things into his tubes? It was so treacherous, you see.
You didn't need a steering wheel, you needed a whip and a flamin' chair.
I used to set off for'ards and it'd go backwards.
Well, you must have been in t'wrong gear.
That's what the world was supposed to think, but I knew that that shiny metallic monster was changing its own gears.
I know I've not been all that good at driving, but it used to make me What d'you want another one, then, for? I don't want another like that.
Nothing you've got to polish.
But something like this, a clapped-out old banger that'll just take us where we want to go.
I've still got this driving licence.
We've got all this spare time.
We could get about and do more.
Aye, we could go to York races.
Mobility's a kind of freedom, as long as you're not always polishing it.
If we both chipped in 15 quid, we could get one.
What about him? Like I said, if we both chipped in Oh, I could maintain it for you.
I'm very good wi' my hands.
Everybody knows that.
Mrs Batty's forever complaining.
Mrs Batty's forever complaining.
DOG BARKS Who are you? What is it? It's all right, missus, we'll come back when your buffalo's under control.
It's only a pup.
It's our Walter's, really.
It'll not hurt you.
Get back, you soft thing! Get in! Get in! Get in, you damn thing! It won't bite.
Oh, I should think he'd do enough damage treading on you.
We came about the car.
Don't open that door, madam.
We'll come to some other arrangement.
Oh, you'd best come in.
That's a likely story.
I bet that's how tha feeds him, on unsuspecting folk what come about t'car.
It's only a soft old thing.
He won't hurt you.
We're in your hands, missus.
But if he's got a lot of shaggy hair round his collar, now's the time to admit it.
DOG BARKS AND GROWLS It's knocked off! Ah, tha don't knows.
Well, he didn't win it in a raffle.
Ooh, you do get me involved in some dubious undertakings.
Where are we? Atherton Street? Perhaps it's a great centre for spaghetti rings and lavatory cleaners.
Oh, you're all right.
I've fastened him up in t'kitchen.
You'll have to excuse the mess in here.
It's our lad, Walter.
Y'see, he drives this lorry sometimes.
Oh, yes? Brings his work home, does he? He's always bringing things home! He brought that dog! But guess who has to feed it? He thinks he's kind to animals, but when he's stupid drunk, he tried to teach it to ride a bicycle! Now, it's him you want to see.
I'll go and give him a shout.
WALTER! It's three misters about t'car! All right! He can get up quick enough when it's a question of getting Fred's lass into trouble.
Would you like a mug of tea? Oh, aye.
It's all right, madam.
There's a potfull in t'kitchen if you want it.
I'll just go and whisper in his ear.
WALTER! Why don't you get up?! She's fearless, that little woman.
I would've fancied a mug of tea.
He has to flap his big lip and say no.
Oh, sit down.
We're in quite deep enough without seeing you slopping about in a pint pot.
He makes enough noise slurping from a cup.
You've never really had an ear for music, have you, Cyril? We shall be facing the music, all right, if this is a stolen car.
Who the hell's going to steal a car worth thirty quid? Could be a desperate gang of international rubbish thieves.
You won't be laughing so much when we're standing in the dock.
It'll be a dry dock, an' all, if you keep turning down mugs of tea.
'Ey, look at this! Oh, put that down! Let go.
Let go! I don't know why she asked you to wait in here amongst all this stuff that I'm looking after for me mate that runs this stall in Barnsley market.
I've told you before! Did she say you've come about a car? Er, yes, the little Anglia.
"Goes like a bum.
" Like a what? Well, it says "bum" here.
"Bomb.
" Couldn't you guess it should be "bomb"? Well, at thirty quid, you can't be sure, can you? That were a snip.
It went in the first five minutes.
Oh, sold, eh? I sold it to this doctor for his wife.
For thirty quid? Yes, he's a big eye surgeon.
I wonder who does the little ones.
He gets all his second cars from me.
For thirty quid? Well, I expect he just runs them in and throws them away.
Mysterious beyond the understanding of man are the habits of eye surgeons.
We had this MO in the Army called Major Pilkington.
Well, now we've digested that piece perhaps we can stop wasting this gentleman's time.
ROARING No, no, no, no, don't rush off.
I've got just the car for you.
You couldn't have come at a better time.
I haven't even advertised it yet.
It's the fastest little wagon on four wheels.
How much? 'Ey up, that were fast, an' all.
Don't worry, it's a snip.
A super snip.
I daren't put my foot reet down to t'floor.
She'd terrify you.
It's been terrifying me since we managed to push-start the damn thing.
Oh, once you get the battery charged, she'll be Look at that woodwork, eh? Walnut! I ask myself whether it's fitting for three old men to be hurtling about in this thing 'Ey, this cigar lighter don't work.
Oh, Compo Simmonite, you're a fine one to be complaining about owt not working.
'Ey, a bit stodgy-headed, in't he? Don't distract him.
Keep his eyes on t'road.
From here, there's a magnificent view of that red warning light on the dashboard.
This is a luxury motor.
Belonged to a titled lord.
Look at them switches, eh? 'Ey? Crammed full of extras.
No essentials, just extras.
He's loving it, your mate, isn't he? I'm not saying she doesn't need tidying up here and there.
Eeh, can that dog of yours really ride a bike? It'll have to, won't it? Can't rely on the damn car.
Bloody thing's got no sense of balance.
Listen, I've been thinking.
Er, what we ought to do is to slow down before this next hill.
To be absolutely honest, I think you're going to need a new set of brake linings.
CRASHING Of all the stupid, cross-eyed pillocks! BEEPING You great left-footed You want locking up, you stupid I'll tell you what, you daft .
.
you're liable to be the first motorist to have the remains of a Humber stuffed up his BEEPING I told you if we got a car we'd get about more.
Things go wrong when I get in a car.
But I'll beat it yet.
You've got to overcome these setbacks.
He's a lunatic, that Walter.
He were right about them brake linings.
If he drives a car like that, he's the last person that should be teaching a dog to drive a bicycle.
Do you suppose he's always driven on the right? You should've said right from the start we weren't interested, about when we saw that lethal machine.
I tried to give him the hint when that door fell off.
Well, you should have been more forceful! You can't go hurting people's feelings.
It's not as though he was a relative.
Our Cyril can.
It's a gift.
We'll have less of the "Cyril".
Don't forget, he went on that sod's course in the Army, qualifying for a corporal.
'Ey up, 'ey up, wait for me! We'll walk back together.
You've no idea how shirty that fella's getting.
Can't he take a joke, then? Now, I've left you everything you'll need.
Aye.
You'll just need to keep an eye on it.
Are you listening to me? Yes, as fast as you're gobbing, I'm making mental notes.
And we all know how mental they're likely to be.
Just you let that stuff burn, that's all And don't spill on me oven! Looks like a garage floor when you've been round.
How is it some fellas just can't go wrong? What? Oh, him what's come up on the pools.
No, next column.
Oh? Him that ran his wife over backing his car out of the garage.
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.
You've been going for t'past two hours.
For good, I mean.
I shan't always be here, y'know.
You bloody will at this rate.
You begrudge it me, don't you? You begrudge it.
Admit it.
Two hours off to visit me own sister in hospital.
Begrudge it? I wish you'd go and visit your sister in New Zealand.
Ah! It's like coming home, walking in here.
It restores your faith in things.
Er, three teas, please, Sidney, when you've finished your billing and cooing.
Aye, hot and sweet.
It's for shock.
Ohhh! We've been out all the morning having this accident.
And we haven't finished with it yet.
It were Clegg's idea.
To have an accident? Oh, no, credit where it's due.
Walter thought of that.
It wasn't me, it was that clown on the tractor.
That's the inconsiderate way the world goes.
Round very bend there's always some clown on his proper side of the road.
He was speeding.
He was going like a lunatic.
Uphill on a tractor? 'Ey up, Sid, this is Walter.
Oh, how do? 'Ey, erm, how are you fixed for a case or two of spaghetti? I could meet you on a price.
Don't touch it with a bargepole! There's a free CID man with every pack.
Oh, like that, is it? You'll get me flamin' hung, spreading rumours like that.
I'm in enough trouble as it is.
I'm meant to be selling that car on commission for this fella.
He's about eight foot tall, and chunky with it.
Oh, I can't stop here gabbing.
I'm going underground.
You mean like at a funeral? No, not like at a funeral.
What a lousy thing to say! He's got so much to live for, has Walter.
Aye, all that stuff in t'front room.
'Ey, what about Ooh, Ivy! Ivy, Ivy! What about some sugar, then? Ohhh They know where it is if you change your mind about the spaghetti.
'Ey, Ivy? This is Walter.
His dog rides a bicycle.
No, it don't, missus.
It keeps falling off.
You men, you get dafter.
What's this about spaghetti? Now, don't you go touching any of that knocked-off stuff.
Ivy, leave him! Run away with me! You're looking very edible.
You get on with your tea.
Hey, he made you an offer.
The least you can do is think about it.
In half an hour, turn that oven down to number three.
Oh, I can't stand all this romantic chatter! You're driving me wild! Stop it! I want her! I want her! Ivy! 'Ey, Sid, she's looking very spruce.
Have you been having her done up? Well, I didn't get a grant for it, if that's what you mean! Is it left and up for reverse or left and down? Does it matter any more? Well, it didn't seem to matter with that Hillman.
She went backwards wherever I pointed her.
All right, it's bound to be a bit scratched, but I tell you what I'll do.
I'll knock a fiver off.
Now, that's giving it away.
Yeah, well, we're going after something smaller.
How lucky can you be? Cos after a crunch like that, it's got to be smaller! If you're unlucky with cars, why persist? It isn't as if there's a shortage of hazards on the roads.
Nobody's going to miss your contribution.
It's a challenge.
A man needs to be stretched to his limits sometimes, as when changing a light bulb, for instance.
I bet these in the window cost more than thirty quid.
What do you think? You never know round here.
They drive you spare.
They could be worth a fortune, but still dress like somebody's armpit.
If you take my advice, you'll only get snotty with those customers that come dressed up.
They're the real peasants these days.
Hey, he's overdoing it a bit, though, in't he, him with the wellies? Listen, if Onassis lived round here, he'd look just like that.
It'd give Jackie summat to think about, wouldn't it? Will it be cash or credit, sir? Oh, pound notes, lad! All right behind? Oh, chuffin' heck.
I'm getting the hang of it.
That's encouraging.
I mean, you're all right as long as we're pushing.
He's absolutely fearless, is this lad.
Not out of breath, either.
No, he's in wonderful condition for his age.
Stop moaning! It just needs a little help occasionally, that's all.
We're more out of this damn car than in! I told you if we got the right car you'd get out more.
You want to be on the open road - sunshine, the wind blowing through your hernia He's not joking, either! Oh, they're wonderful, these labour-saving devices.
Make life that much easier.
'Ey, Cyril, why have you gone that funny colour? Because I'm doing all the shoving! Get your back into it! He-hey, hark at him! Once a corporal, always a corporal.
'Ey, Cyril, your stripes are showing.
That's nothing to what you're showing through that tatty rear end.
Tuck it in! Everybody doesn't want to be reading your numberplate.
It's a bit rough, this road.
It's a bit rough, this driving.
I'm just getting the hang of it.
What you tugging? What you tugging? I thought it was the indicator.
At least we're not going backwards, are we? Oh, a terrific sense of direction, this lad.
Wonderful impression of speed through the holes in these floorboards.
I think after we've gone a bit further, we ought perhaps to get out and be sick.
CRASHING Why didn't you swerve? I was swerving! Aye! Right up his trouser leg! Where was he going to put your driving licence? I told you I was getting the hang of it.