Married with Children s01e05 Episode Script

* Love and marriage * * Go together like * * A horse and carriage * * This I tell ya, brother * * You can't have one * * Without the other * * Love and marriage * * It's an institute * * You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try, try To separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try, try And you will only come * * To this conclusion * * Love and marriage ** Oh, Al, were you watching Shane again? Nah.
Phone company commercial.
It had this father and his kid.
They were walking down this country road, or alley or something.
And they were kicking this rock or pine cone or something, and then the father was old, and the kid was grown-up and He called him.
Oh, man.
You know, Peg, I wish Bud lived far away, so I could call him.
How many beers did you have tonight, Al? I don't know.
Kids grow up so fast.
Sometimes I don't think we spend enough time with ours.
Have dinner with them, touch them, kick things I miss that.
Bud! Bud, come down here.
What did I do, Dad? Nothing It's just that I don't get to talk to you too much anymore.
How's the fourth grade? Fifth grade, Dad.
How about that, Peg? Bud, where are you going tonight? I'm going down the block to Joey's house and watch TV.
That's fine.
Oh, uh, Bud? Yeah, Dad? If you're going to be late call.
That's a moment he'll always remember.
Hey, Al, let's go out tonight.
To a restaurant, or something.
Aah! Come on.
When we were dating, we used to go out all the time.
Eating costs a fortune, Peg.
Besides, we have other expenses right now.
In a couple of years, our kids are probably going to want to go to college.
All right, where do you want to go eat? Oh, good.
That must be Steve and Marcie I told them we'd eat with them.
You just lost yourself a meal, Peg.
Oh, Al.
Hey, neighbors.
Ready to put on the old feed bag? What do you feel like tonight? Japanese, Thai Moroccan? Oh, Al only eats plain food.
You know, like burgers and pizza.
Come on, Al.
Live a little.
You can't go through life ordering food through a clown's head.
Oh, yeah? Cook some food! Let's go out to eat, honey.
Aw, what the hell? I ain't paying for it.
That's my man.
Got a date.
Got to run.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, Dad.
Hold it a minute! Some guy honks his horn, you come running? I want to meet him.
You can't.
Roger doesn't meet parents.
It's his policy.
Roger sounds like a very nice boy, but I think I'll meet him anyway.
By the way, what's his last name? I don't know.
But don't make him drive off, because I love him.
Maybe I better go out there and make sure Al doesn't do anything stupid.
This is so embarrassing.
I just know Dad's going to misinterpret the dog collar around Roger's neck.
I can't believe they've been out there for over an hour.
What could they be doing? It is a long time for two people with nothing in common to be spending together.
But then again, Steve went out to make sure Al doesn't do anything stupid.
That could take a while.
Can I go now, Dad? Sure, honey.
Go ahead.
Have a good time, sweetheart.
Sure.
I'll have a great time.
The big windows at school are probably smashed by now.
Al, we're starving.
What were you two doing out there for so long? Peg, we just outsmarted a teenage boy.
We sure did.
Honey, you wouldn't believe it, but underneath all that rust, that kid was actually driving a '65 Mustang.
That's what you were doing for an hour? Looking at a 20-year-old rusted pile of junk? No, of course not.
We bought it.
You made a major purchase without consulting me? It's a car, honey.
For us hombres, right, Al? You betcha, Steverino.
Tell me Steverino.
Did it ever occur to you that we don't need another car? It's not just a car, honey.
It's a piece of history.
A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Steve.
Where did you learn to talk like that? Hey, come on, honey.
After all, I was a guy before I met you.
He was, honey.
Do you believe it? He had a Mustang when he was in college.
I always wanted one, but I could never afford it.
I hate to break this to you, but we still can't.
Sure, we can.
The car we bought is a total piece of junk.
Yeah.
Besides, we split it.
We're going to restore it, make it worth a lot of money And never sell it.
Come on, Steve.
Let's get out in that garage and strip the rust off this baby.
Hey, what about taking us to dinner? Yeah.
Honey, we can't afford to eat out now.
We just bought a car.
Good night, Mom.
I thought you had a date.
Roger said he sold his car to a couple of idiots.
Do you think I'm going to be seen walking with a guy who wears a dog collar? Ooh.
I hate that car, and everything it stands for.
Well, you have to admit, the boys have been getting along this week.
Oh, who cares? That car is beginning to take over our lives.
This morning I brought it to Steve's attention that his fingernails were dirty.
Do you know what he said? He said, "It's not dirt.
It's Mustang juice, baby.
" Well, Al is reawakening certain ugly, manlike qualities in Steve, but this could work to our advantage.
You see, they bought something that we hate without asking us, and that is bad, but now we have the right to go out and buy whatever we want without asking them, and that is good.
It's in the Bible.
But we can't afford to buy anything.
Well Then let's just be mean as hell.
Peg, Marcie, we just wanted you to know we rebuilt one of the carburetors in the Mustang.
Yoo-hoo, road warriors.
We're bored.
And mean as hell.
You want to come out in the garage and use one of the sanders? Not on the car.
You still owe us a dinner.
That's right.
We've been patient.
We can't force you to go to bed with us, but we insist you take us out to eat.
Okay.
Steak place okay with you, buddy? You got it.
Steve, we're vegetarian.
You don't eat meat.
Honey, I'm working on a car.
Honey, I'm working on a car.
I'm sorry I neglected you all week, Marcie.
I don't know what got into me.
It was the car, Steve.
But it has brought you closer to Al, so at least we don't have to suffer that uneasiness whenever we come over here.
You can't be serious.
I have to stay with Bud, so you can go out with those creepy, boring people that live next door? Yes.
I have to lose a night of my glory days for a couple of complete orthos.
Oh, hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Rhoades.
It's nice to see you, as always.
Kelly, could you please bring me a tissue? Get one yourself, you little zit! Never mind.
I found a whole bunch of them in your bra.
Excuse me.
You're still on the pill, aren't you? Sorry to keep you waiting.
We had to dig through the hamper to find a shirt for Al.
Peggy, did you make the reservation? Oh, yes.
And we're going to get a great table.
We made it under the name of Dr.
Bundy.
By the way, Marcie, we told them it was your birthday so we'd get a free cake.
Just play along when the waiter starts singing.
Well, I could eat a horse.
I won't be, will I? Kelly, we're leaving! The phone number's on the refrigerator, and make sure Bud is asleep by 10.
He's already sleeping, mom.
Aw, I love you too, Bud.
We're ready to go.
Great news! I got an original ashtray for the car.
An ashtray? Yeah.
We got to go now.
He's got another offer.
Forget it.
That's right.
We're going to dinner.
The restaurant will hold our reservations because, after all, it's your birthday and I'm a doctor.
Come on, girls, we're going to the ghetto.
It's beautiful.
Look at it, Steve.
It's a virgin.
There has never been a cigarette in that ashtray.
Are you irritated because we left you in the car while we went upstairs to haggle over the price? Oh, no.
I had a great time.
I like sitting in a car that's being rocked back and forth by grown men yelling "Hubba Hubba, my name is Bubba!" But I think Marcie's a little ticked.
This is the worst birthday I've ever had.
I've never been so humiliated.
What about me? They offered me $20.
They offered me 30.
That was for both of us, pretty mama.
I got them to leave, didn't I? Oh, yes, you did, honey.
And you were so clever.
I wish I had thought of throwing my purse down the street.
Nothing I do is ever good enough for you, is it, Peg? Hey, I'm going to go put the ashtray in the car.
I'll help.
I swear to God, as soon as Steve goes to sleep tonight, I'm going to smash that car into little bits.
Except for the ashtray.
I have special plans for that.
Well, maybe we've been too hard on the guys.
Cars are in their blood.
You see, with men, they hear the engine, and they think it's their engine.
They see the sleek and smooth lines of the car, and they think they're sleek and smooth.
Then they reach for that stick shift, and Well You know what I mean.
I don't know, there's something about a stick shift.
Yeah.
I don't know what it is.
That's a nice one, isn't it? You got the ashtray ready? Yeah, right here.
Be my guest.
Ahh.
You know something? It doesn't get any better than this.
You know, Steve, you're not my kind of guy or anything, and I don't want to hang around with you, but you know your cars.
Well, thanks, Al.
Remember, I used to have one of these babies.
Oh, gee, I loved that car.
Those were the days.
Being alive really meant something then.
You used to buy a car to have fun.
Now you worry about four doors, mileage, whether or not you'll survive a head-on collision.
I mean, who cares? Looking cool and going fast.
That's what cars should be for.
Hey, Al? You think, uh, we'll still look cool? What are we, old men? These things are classics.
Everybody looks cool in these things.
Oh, wait till we get this thing finished.
* Get your motor runnin' * * Head out on the highway * * Lookin' for adventure * * And whatever comes our way * * Yeah, darlin' Go make it happen * * Take the world In a love embrace * Yeah, it's going to be great, buddy.
* at once and * * Explode into space * * I like smoke and lightning * * Heavy metal thunder * * Racin' with the wind * * And the feelin' That I'm under * * Yeah, I gotta go And make it happen * * Take the world In a love embrace * * Fire all of our guns At once and * * Explode into space * * Like a true Nature's child * * We were born Born to be wild * * We can climb so high * * I never wanna die * * Born to be wild * * Born to be wild ** There's nothing like a nice healthy salad.
Yeah.
It's much better than going to some restaurant where you can sit back and relax while some peon serves your every need.
No beverage? Sorry.
I never thought I could have this much hate for an inanimate object.
You mean Al? Yeah.
And that car.
Well, you know, Marce, the love of a nice automobile is not just a guy thing.
You can't say tell me you never dated a guy because of his car.
Never.
Come on.
Well Don't tell Steve, but there was this guy in high school.
He had a GTO.
A black one.
Mmm.
But I finally had to break up with him, because- This is so disgusting- He wanted to, you know get me in the back seat of the car.
So did you? Of course not.
It's so dirty and tawdry.
No, it isn't.
You did that? Well, sure.
It gets expensive chipping in for a hotel every few days.
I just never could.
Steve wanted to, but I'm glad we didn't.
It's still our family car.
We put groceries back there.
Well, good news, girls.
We got the ashtray in.
Where's Steve? He's still out there playing with the top.
You know, he gets carried away.
I'm going to go get him.
It's late, and we have to pick out his clothes for tomorrow.
Hello? Albany? Collect? Hell, no, I'm not- We'll pay for the charges! Hello? Dr.
Mustang? You got the ornament?! He got the little horse.
Yee-ha.
Yeah.
You got yourself a deal.
I'll send the check in the morning.
Best to Mrs.
Mustang.
Wow! The little horse! We got to go tell Steve.
Don't you two want to be alone for this? Nah.
Aw, isn't that sweet? It's their first time in a car.
Come on, honey.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Peg.
Hey, Steve! We got the horse! All right! Well, it's almost time for the unveiling.
To tell you the truth, I'm kind of curious.
I haven't seen it since they painted it.
Aren't you getting excited? What's that supposed to mean? Come on, Marce.
It's been three weeks.
You can look me in the eye.
I can't help it.
I'm still so embarrassed, especially around Al.
He doesn't say anything, but I know every time he looks at me, he's thinking about how he caught us in that car.
Believe me, I've known him a long time, and when Al's not talking, he is not thinking.
Girls, time for the unveiling.
Big deal.
Well, it will be for you, Marce.
This is your big chance to see the outside of the car.
Let's go.
Gee.
It's beautiful.
Shut up, Peg.
This is a big moment, and I want to make sure it's right.
Okay! Ready! Oh, Al, it really is beautiful.
Yeah, we know.
Come on.
Let's take this baby for a spin.
Girls, get in the back seat.
Peg, Marcie can show you the way.
Steve, I'll drive.
We'll take a nice spin out in the country.
You sit and lean coolly out the window.
We'll pretend these are our mothers.
* Born to be- * * Born to be- * * Wild ** * Wild ** I'm sorry about the car, honey.
You couldn't have known it was stolen.
I think Al might have gone a little overboard starting the fight with that policeman.
Now, Al just had it in his head that the cop might have been an impersonator.
Sorry I put that in your head, Al.
By the way, Al? They say the effects of the stun gun will wear off in a few hours.
Yeah, you know, you were really holding your own until that angry mob showed up.
I wonder where those farmers got their stun guns.
Well, there goes our dream, old buddy.
Al? They impounded the car.
We'll never see it again, except at the trial.
Well, at least one good thing came out of this.
We found out we could all have a good time together, and that's more important than any car.
Hear, hear.
It's still early.
Why don't we go out and get some dinner, kick back, and lick our wounds? Yeah.
Let's go eat.
How about Japanese? Thai? Moroccan? Whatever.
Al won't know the difference.
* Born to be wild **