Queer as Folk s01e05 Episode Script

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR FIVE, SIX TAKE IT, DUDE ONE, TWO ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR [ Knocking On Door .]
[ Sighing .]
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M THE GUY YOU FUCKED LAST NIGHT.
OH, YEAH.
WERE YOU ANY GOOD? [ Knocking On Door .]
OKAY! I'M COMING.
AND YOU'RE GOING.
HI.
WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I-- ARE WE INTERRUPTING SOMETHING? NOT AT ALL.
WE'RE ALL DONE.
THIS YOUR KID? UH, YES.
OH-HO! HE IS PRECIOUS! HELLO! HELLO.
OH, BABY.
HELLO, BABY.
HELLO.
WE'LL DO THIS AGAIN.
YEAH.
SURE.
LET ME GUESS, YOUR ITALIAN TUTOR? LINDSAY: [ Chuckling .]
GRAZIE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU VISITED ONCE IN A WHILE, WE WOULDN'T NEED TO DROP BY UNANNOUNCED.
TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
YOU CAN'T EXACTLY BLAME HER, THE WAY YOU BEHAVE.
SHE'S JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN YOU LOVE HER.
AND SHE'S RIGHT.
LOOK, WE HAVE A CHILD NOW.
YEAH, YOU AND ME.
AND MELANIE! SO, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, WE ALL HAVE TO GET ALONG.
GUS: [ Cooing .]
I'LL TRY.
IF SHE DOUCHES.
[ Humorless Chuckle .]
I THOUGHT WE COULD TRY SOMETHING SMALL, A NICE, CIVILIZED, HOME-COOKED MEAL? SEASONED WITH A DASH OF RAT POISON? I WAS THINKING GARLIC.
THERE'S A CHICKEN THING I WANT TO TRY.
IT HAS 40 CLOVES! COULD YOU STOMACH THAT? THE CHICKEN, OR MELANIE? FRIDAY, EARLY? SO YOU CAN STILL HIT THE BARS? [ Light Sigh .]
I HAVE 35 CENTS OFF THE KITTIE BITES.
OH, WE DO COUPONS AT THE END, AND, UH, THAT ONE EXPIRED.
MARLEY, ARE YOU FREE TONIGHT? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A MAN TO ASK ME THAT? I NEED SOMEBODY TO STAY LATE AND HELP ME WITH INVENTORY.
MARLEY: OH, SORRY.
I'VE GOT CHURCH CHOIR PRACTICE.
WELL, THAT'S A NEW EXCUSE.
HOW MANY TIMES CAN MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER BE ON HER DEATHBED? CUSTOMER: I HAVE A COUPON FOR THE JOHNNY BOWL TOO.
I'M JUST FLUSHED WITH EXCITEMENT, PRINCESS.
MIKE, IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO STAY LATE, I'M FREE.
YOU ARE? THAT'D BE GREAT.
IT WILL ONLY TAKE A COUPLE OF HOURS.
SHE WOULDN'T MIND IF IT TOOK ALL NIGHT.
MARLEY.
SO WE'LL MEET AFTER CLOSING.
GREAT! I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
JUST BE CAREFUL YOU TWO DON'T GET CAUGHT ON THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS.
[ Giggles .]
WE USED TO SHARE THINGS.
WE ENJOYED EACH OTHER.
JENNIFER: BUT NOW I, UH-- I TALK TO HIM, HE SLAMS THE DOOR, RUNS AWAY.
AND HE LIES.
HE SAYS HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT AT DAPHNE'S, BUT I KNOW HE'S NOT.
AND I FOUND THINGS.
WHAT SORT OF THINGS? UH, DRAWINGS, SKETCHES THAT HE DID, OF MEN.
NAKED.
I JUST HAVE TO KNOW.
IF JUSTIN MIGHT BE GAY? [ Sigh .]
JENNIFER: HE'S ONLY 17.
HE'S TOO YOUNG TO BE HAVING THOSE FEELINGS, TO BE-- JUSTIN, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW NOW WHO YOU ARE? THERAPIST: JUSTIN.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY? I LIKE DICK.
I WANNA GET FUCKED BY DICK.
I WANNA SUCK DICK.
I LIKE SUCKING DICK.
AND I'M GOOD AT IT TOO.
WELL, THAT'S A START.
YOUR EXISTING CAMPAIGN IS SOLID, MR.
TELSON, BUT YOU NEED MORE MUSCLE TO BREAK OUT OF THE BORING FAMILY MARKET BOX.
TARGET MALES, OF COURSE.
18 TO 34.
FEATURE SPEED, FASHION, VISIBILITY.
YOU SPONSOR A NASCAR TEAM, BUT YOU NEED A CAMPAIGN TO MAX THE INVESTMENT.
TV, PRINT, SELECTED WEBSITES.
MAN: JUST SO YOU KNOW, MR.
TELSON, UH, BRIAN IS OUR MOST DYNAMIC AND CREATIVE ACCOUNT EXEC.
HIS CAMPAIGNS HAVE WON CLIO AWARDS FOR US.
UH-HUH.
MR.
TELSON: THAT'S IMPRESSIVE FOR YOU.
HOW DOES THAT TRANSLATE TO NATIONAL SALES FOR ME? MAN: WELL, UH, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN AND FLESH OUT THE STRATEGY WITH HIM.
HE'S ALSO, UH, ONE HELL OF A HOST.
HE CAN GET YOU INTO ALL THE TOP RESTAURANTS.
HE CAN GET YOU THE BEST TICKETS TO THE GAMES.
TELL ME, DO YOU LIKE BASEBALL, MR.
TELSON? MR.
TELSON: I'M PRETTY TIRED AFTER THE FLIGHT THIS MORNING AND I'VE GOT A FULL SET OF MEETINGS TOMORROW.
WELL, HOW ABOUT TOMORROW NIGHT? BRIAN: THE PIRATES ARE PLAYING.
WE HAVE COMPANY SEATS ON THE FIRST BASELINE.
WELL IF I HAVE ANY TIME, I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
MR.
TELSON: WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
WOMAN: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BRIAN: I KNOW WHAT THE SON OF A BITCH IS UP TO.
HE'S PLAYING US AGAINST EVERY OTHER AGENCY IN TOWN, PUMPING US FOR OUR BEST IDEAS, AND HE'LL TAKE THEM WHERE HE WANTS TO.
YOU JUST MAKE SURE WHERE HE WANTS TO GO IS HERE.
[ Mixed Chatter .]
BRIAN: WELL, IF I DON'T GET THIS ACCOUNT, I'LL BE FUCKED.
AND WITHOUT LUBE.
AND THAT'S A BAD THING? DEBBIE: IT'S AMAZING HOW YOU ALWAYS WORK ANAL INTERCOURSE INTO THE CONVERSATION.
BRIAN: HEY, YOU TRY SPENDING AN EVENING WITH SOME BACKSLAPPING BREEDER FROM ALTOONA, SMOKING CIGARS AND TALKING ABOUT PUSSY.
TED: I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT PUSSY.
THAT IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'VE GOT ONE, BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A DICK.
DEBBIE: MOVE OVER.
DEBBIE: SO YOU BOYS IN THE MOOD FOR SOMETHING SWEET, OR ARE YOU GONNA PICK UP A LITTLE SOMETHING AT WOODY'S? [ Chuckles .]
MA, STOP PINCHING MY CHEEKS.
DEBBIE: OH, BEND OVER SO I CAN PINCH THE OTHER ONES! [ Laughing .]
I'VE GOT SOME TAX REPORTS TO GO OVER.
SCOOT.
I WOULD THINK AFTER CHECKING OUT NUMBERS ALL DAY YOU'D LIKE TO COME CHECK OUT SOME NUMBERS AT NIGHT.
WELL, IN LIGHT OF MY RECENT NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE, I'VE DECIDED TO TAKE ACCOUNT OF MY NEAR-LIFE.
WOODY'S AND BABYLON ARE NO LONGER DEDUCTIBLE EXPENSES.
EMMETT: HE'LL BE BACK.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S, UH, IT'S JUST US.
THE THREE MUSKETEERS.
MORE LIKE THE POINTER SISTERS.
[ Chuckles .]
- I CAN'T GO EITHER.
- WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? MICHAEL: I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE STORE.
WE'RE RESTOCKING.
EMMETT: POOR BABY.
SPEND THE ENTIRE EVENING ALONE IN THAT DREARY CRAP EMPORIUM? MICHAEL: TRACY WILL BE THERE.
YOUR BRIDE-TO-BE? SHE'S NOT MY BRIDE-TO-BE.
THEN YOU CAN TELL HER WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
EMMETT: I AGREE.
I ALWAYS SAY, COME CLEAN, OR DON'T COME AT ALL.
MICHAEL: I CAN'T.
WHERE I WORK, THEY LAUGH AT FAGGOTS.
BRIAN: HEY, THE ONLY FAGGOTS WORTH LAUGHING AT ARE THE ONES WHO DON'T TELL THE TRUTH.
DON'T BE ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES WHO HIDES, MIKEY.
AND STOP LEADING HER ON.
WHO'S LEADING HER ON? WE'RE COUNTING CARTONS OF TOILET PAPER! YEAH, WHICH YOU CAN USE, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
MICHAEL: OKAY, WE'VE DONE TOILET PAPER, PAPER TOWELS, PAPER NAPKINS, PAPER PLATES-- TRACY? TRACE? I'M HERE! WHERE? IN FEMININE HYGIENE.
I'M CHECKING PANTY-LINERS.
LIGHT DAYS AND HEAVY DAYS.
SO HOW WE DOING? WE'RE HEAVY ON LIGHT DAYS, AND LIGHT ON HEAVY DAYS.
GOTCHA.
LET'S MOVE ON.
IT'S ALWAYS WORK WITH YOU! DON'T YOU EVER HAVE FUN? YEAH, I HAVE FUN.
I HAVE LOTS OF FUN.
REALLY? 'CAUSE YOU NEVER WANT TO GO OUT WITH US AFTER WORK.
- I'VE GONE OUT WITH YOU GUYS.
- ONCE.
MARLEY SAYS NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE REALLY LIKE, THAT YOU PROBABLY LEAD THIS DOUBLE LIFE.
SHE'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT WHO I APPEAR TO BE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
TRUTH IS, WHEN I WAS A BOY, I WAS EXPOSED TO A LASER LIGHT SHOW AT A KISS CONCERT, AND AFTER THAT I DEVELOPED THE STRANGE POWER TO SEE INTO PEOPLE'S MINDS, TO READ THEIR MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS.
[ Gruffly .]
"I'M GOING TO ROB A BANK!" "I'M GOING TO BLOW UP A BRIDGE!" [ Normally .]
AND SINCE THEN, I SET OUT TO PREVENT CRIMES BEFORE THEY HAPPENED.
AND MY REAL NAME IS "LASER MAN"! SO, LASER MAN, WHAT AM I THINKING? UM, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET BACK TO WORK.
WHOA! MIKE! [ Dance .]
IF YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF, YOU GET A FREE DRINK.
I DON'T SHOW MY TITS FOR A WATERED-DOWN BUD.
GET ME A BEER? GET YOUR OWN.
I'M TOO YOUNG.
WELL, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU SHOULD GO HOME.
YOUR MOM'S PROBABLY WORRIED SICK.
[ Scoffing .]
SHE'S PATHETIC.
SHE TOOK ME TO A FUCKING WASTE-OF-TIME THERAPIST.
MAYBE SHE'S TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU.
I DON'T WANT HER TO UNDERSTAND ME.
I WANT HER TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS DO WHEN THEY FOUND OUT YOU WERE, YOU KNOW, GAY? THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
BECAUSE I NEVER TOLD THEM.
YOU DIDN'T? IT'S NOT THEIR LIFE.
I DON'T NEED THEIR APPROVAL.
DAPH? PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
WHAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT? MY MOM ANSWERED, SHE SAID YOU WEREN'T THERE.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
JUSTIN: [ Worried Gasps .]
FUCK ME! JUSTIN: WHAT'SSHEDOING HERE? DAPHNE: THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU! I SAID YOU WERE HERE.
JUSTIN! [ Deep Sighing .]
HE'S DOWN.
HE'LL BE UP.
YOU LOOK BEAT.
SO DO YOU.
COMING TO BED? SOON.
I GOTTA GO OVER THESE BRIEFS.
LISTEN, ABOUT FRIDAY? MM-HMM? YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS, DO YOU? NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
NOT WORKING LATE? NO.
[ Deep Sigh .]
THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE I INVITED BRIAN FOR DINNER.
OH, CHRIST! I THOUGHT I'D MAKE THAT CHICKEN YOU LIKE! FORGET IT.
I WOULDN'T LET HIM TOUCH MY SILVERWARE KNOWING WHERE HIS HANDS HAVE BEEN.
YOU KNOW, I WISH THE TWO OF YOU WOULD MAKE THE SLIGHTEST EFFORT TO GET ALONG, SO I DON'T HAVE TO BE THE "SMILING LESBIAN IN THE MIDDLE.
" WHO ASKED YOU TO BE? JUST LEAVE HIM OUT OF MY LIFE.
HOW CAN WE? HE'S GUS'S FATHER.
AS IF I NEED TO BE REMINDED.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AN ALTERNATIVE FAMILY, WHICH MEANS TWOMOMMIES.
I'M THE ONE WITH THE SUBSCRIPTION TONEWSWEEK.
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
ONLY THERE'S NOTHING ALTERNATIVE ABOUT US.
WE'RE AS FUCKED UP AS ANY OTHER FAMILY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
[ Chuckle .]
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT TO BE A GOOD MOTHER.
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
AND I WANT YOU TO GIVE BRIAN A CHANCE.
AW, YOU ALMOST HAD ME THERE.
HE'S A GOOD PERSON.
HE'S A SELFISH SHITHEAD! MAYBE, BUT HE'S HONEST! [ Sighing .]
HE TELLS THE TRUTH, AND HE DOESN'T PRETEND.
YEAH, WELL I WISH HE'D TRY.
I WISH YOU WOULD TOO.
[ Groan Of Anticipation .]
[ Playful Giggle .]
[ Dance .]
OH, MAN! I'M SO HORNY.
I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME FOR HOURS.
[ Whispering .]
AND I'M A TOP.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT ALL THE BIGGEST BOTTOMS SAY.
OH, FUCK! JESUS, WHO'S THIS? THAT'S THE PRESIDENT OF MY FAN CLUB.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? MY MOM'S OUT OF CONTROL.
NOW SHE'S FOLLOWING ME.
THAT MUST BE AN INHERITED TRAIT.
I'M NOT GOING HOME.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT STAYING HERE! THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE I CAN GO.
DO YOU WANT ME TO SLEEP ON THE STREET? I COULD GET KILLED.
WHY DON'T YOU GET LOST, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE? I WAS HERE FIRST.
BETTER YET, WHY DON'T YOU? [ Scoffing .]
BEAT IT.
FUCK YOU.
[ Chuckling .]
YEAH.
YOU'RE THE BOTTOM, REMEMBER? THANKS.
LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT YOUR LOVER, I'M NOT YOUR PARTNER, I'M NOT EVEN YOUR FRIEND.
YOU'RE NOT ANYTHING TO ME.
I COULD BE.
IF YOU GAVE ME A CHANCE.
[ Chuckling .]
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT? WATCHING SOME TEEN DRAMA? I NEED YOU! NO, YOUTHINKYOU DO, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TAUGHT TO THINK, "WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER.
" WELL, IT'S A CROCK OF SHIT! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE YOU NEED.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE YOU'VE GOT.
THE COUCH.
JUST FOR TONIGHT.
AND DON'T JERK OFF ON IT.
MORNING, SWEET PEA.
[ Giggles .]
[ Groans Of Discomfort .]
GOD, I AM STILL STIFF.
STIFFER THAN LAST NIGHT ? HEY, YOU TWO, LET'S KEEP IT CLEAN.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MY NECK.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN DOING MORE THAN INVENTORY.
SHUT UP, MARLEY! CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S IN PAIN? IT'S THE WORST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE.
DID YOU TAKE SOMETHING? YEAH! LIKE, TWO BOTTLES OF TYLENOL.
THAT WON'T HELP.
YOU NEED A CHIROPRACTOR.
NO.
I'M OKAY, REALLY.
A FRIEND OF MINE'S FIANCE GOES TO SOMEONE WHO DOES SOME OF THE STEELERS.
HESWEARSBY HIM.
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I CAN TELL YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THAT.
WOMAN: RYDER WANTS TO SEE YOU.
WELL, HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.
HE'S PISSED AT ME FOR NOT LANDING TELSON.
HE WANTS TO CHEW ME A SECOND ASSHOLE.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU COULD USE ONE OF THOSE.
- MARVIN! - I WAS JUST COMING TO SEE YOU.
WOMAN: WELL, I'LL JUST BE SURE AND GIVE MR.
RYDER YOUR MESSAGE.
EXCUSE ME.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME DROPPING BY.
NOT AT ALL.
ALTHOUGH AFTER YESTERDAY, I SORT OF GOT THE IMPRESSION-- WELL, YOU KNOW HOW MISLEADING FIRST IMPRESSIONS CAN BE.
AFTER YOU GET TO KNOW SOMEBODY, YOU DISCOVER JUST HOW MUCH IN COMMON YOU ACTUALLY HAVE.
SO SHALL WE LOOK AT SOME IDEAS I HAVE? GREAT.
OH, AND ABOUT THIS EVENING, I THOUGHT I MIGHT TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER TO, UH, SHOW ME THE TOWN.
WELL, I COULD HAVE CYNTHIA MAKE US SOME RESERVATIONS.
YOU LIKE STEAKS? I KNOW A GREAT CHOP HOUSE.
AND I COULD GET US TICKETS FOR TONIGHT'S GAME.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I HAD A DIFFERENT SORT OF EVENING IN MIND.
YOU KNOW, THE SORT OF EVENING THAT YOU MIGHT PLAN FOR YOURSELF.
AND WHAT SORT OF EVENING IS THAT? WELL, YOU KNOW, ONE THAT'S MORE FUN, LIKE THIS CLUB THAT I HEARD ABOUT.
UH, BABYLON? WHY, MARVIN.
YOU OLD DOG.
CHRIST.
ISN'T ANYONE STRAIGHT ANYMORE? [ Chuckling .]
[ Sighs Of Pain .]
HI.
I'M, UH, I'M DR.
CAMERON.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM? UM, NOTHING.
NOTHING.
[ Chuckles .]
NOTHING AT ALL.
I'M FINE.
[ Softly .]
OW.
HOW DID YOU HURT YOURSELF? UM, I WAS WORKING AT THE STORE.
I'M AN ASSISTANT MANAGER AT THE "BIG Q" OVER ON BUTLER.
I ACCIDENTALLY FELL.
OKAY, TURN TO THE LEFT.
HOW'S THAT FEEL? FINE.
TO THE RIGHT.
[ Groan Of Pain .]
AH.
RIGHT THERE, HUH? [ Gasp Of Pain .]
CAN YOU LIE DOWN ON YOUR BACK? MM SURE.
ON MY BACK.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE POSITION.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
OH! [ Cracking Of Spine .]
DEBBIE: IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SAKS FIFTH AVENUE, HONEY, YOU MADE THE WRONG TURN.
[ Chuckling .]
DEBBIE? ONE AND ONLY! UH-- HEY! SUNSHINE'S MOM! HOW'S JUSTIN? HE DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT, AND I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN HIM.
UH, NO.
I'M SORRY, UH, SWEETIE.
I WISH I HAD.
WELL, THANKS ANYWAY.
LISTEN-- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! HOLD ON! L-LET ME GET YOU SOME COFFEE.
I GAVE UP COFFEE.
OF COURSE YOU DID.
WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME NICE HERBAL TEA, THEN? HUH? HAVE A SEAT! COME ON! LET'S SEE, UM, WE GOT LEMON CREAM, RASPBERRY PARFAIT, COZY CHAMOMILE.
HOW IN HELL DID A CONDOM GET IN HERE? HERE.
"GET HAPPY.
" YOU NEED IT.
SO, WHAT DOES DAD SAY? HE DOESN'T KNOW.
HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW? YOU ALWAYS KNOW.
SAME REASON I DIDN'T.
DIDN'T WANT TO.
BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE FAR WORSE THINGS.
I JUST KEEP THINKING IT'S MY-- IT'S NOT.
THAT I WAS-- YOU DIDN'T.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
YEAH, I DO.
'CAUSE I ASKED MYSELF ALL THE SAME THINGS.
SO YOU DON'T THINK IT WAS BECAUSE I-- SMOTHERED HIM? YOU SMOTHER A PORK CHOP, NOT A SON.
PEOPLE ARE WHAT THEY ARE.
SO, DID HE TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF? WASN'T EVEN THE WORST OF IT.
HE TOLD HIS THERAPIST THAT HE LIKES DICK.
THERE, YOU SEE? YOU ALREADY HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON.
I'M SURE YOU WERE THINKING YOU'D PROBABLY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO SHARE AGAIN.
[ Chuckling .]
LISTEN, THEY TALK BIG AND THEY ACT TOUGH, BUT THE TRUTH IS, THE THING HE'S THE MOST AFRAID OF, EVEN MORE THAN HIS DAD FINDING OUT AND BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, IS THAT YOU'LL STOP LOVING HIM.
I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
THEN YOU BE SURE HE KNOWS HE HASN'T LOST YOU.
CROSS YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR CHEST.
GOOD.
BRING YOUR KNEES UP.
GOOD.
OKAY.
FIRST TIME TO A CHIROPRACTOR? YEAH, BUT IF I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS I'D HAVE COME SOONER.
[ Groan .]
GOOD! LEGS DOWN.
LITTLE STRETCH.
[ Groaning .]
AM I HURTING YOU? NOT AT ALL.
OKAY! ROLL OVER.
[ Groans Of Relief .]
HOW'S THAT FEEL? OH, YEAH! OH! WELL, I THINK YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION THAT WAS JUST AGGRAVATED BY THAT FALL.
YOU GIVE IT A LITTLE TIME AND SOME REST AND LET THE SWELLING GO DOWN.
RIGHT.
YOU YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT SOME ICE ON IT.
GOOD IDEA.
OKAY, YOU CAN GET UP.
UM, IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU, I'D LIKE TO JUST LIE HERE FOR A COUPLE MINUTES? IS SOMETHING WRONG? SOMETHING I SHOULD LOOK AT OR-- NO! NO, UM, I FEEL GREAT.
[ Deep Breath .]
TOO GREAT.
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
EVEN TO FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
[ Sigh .]
[ Cheering Of Crowd .]
SEVEN AND THREE-QUARTER INCHES.
EMCEE: OH, COME ON, GUYS! LET'S GET IT UP FOR HIM! COME ON! [ Cheering Of Crowd .]
MR.
TELSON: THERE'S THOMAS.
HE'S 17.
HE'S GOING INTO HARVARD THIS FALL.
AND THERE'S TRISH; SHE'S 12.
SHE LOVES SOCCER.
[ Chortle .]
THIS HAS GOT TO BE A FIRST! FAMILY PHOTOS IN BABYLON? EMCEE: OOH! WHAT IS THIS? FIVE AND AN EIGHTH.
NOW-- NOW, CONTESTANTS ARE REMINDED THAT THEY MUST BE AT LEAST SIX INCHES.
UH, THAT IS THE RULE OF THUMB, AND QUITE FRANKLY, I'VE SEEN BIGGER THUMBS.
[ Laughing Of Crowd .]
I MARRIED YOUNG, BEFORE I KNEW.
WENT INTO THE FAMILY BUSINESS.
BY THE TIME I REALIZED WHAT I WAS, IT WAS TOO LATE TO CHANGE THINGS.
I LOVE MY WIFE, AND MY KIDS.
WHY SHOULD I DESTROY ALL THAT? SO YOU TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS WHILE YOU'RE AWAY TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS? EXACTLY.
SMART MAN, MARVIN.
YOU'RE A SMART MAN TOO.
THE QUESTION IS, HOW SMART? EMCEE: [ Elated .]
TEN AND FIVE-SIXTEENTHS! WE HAVE A WINNER! [ Cheering Of Crowd .]
SO IS THERE ANYONE HERE YOU'D LIKE TO MEET? I HAPPEN TO KNOW THE WINNER.
NO, NOT MY TYPE.
HOWEVER, THERE IS SOMEBODY I'M INTERESTED IN.
YEAH? WHO? THAT'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
YEAH, REMIND ME TO PRESS CHARGES.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? LIKE THE KIND OF GUY, IF HE WAGGED HIS DICK IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU WOULDN'T LOOK TWICE.
BUT IF HE DANGLED HIS ACCOUNT IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU MIGHT CONSIDER IT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
YOU WOULDN'T ACTUALLY DO-- WOULD YOU? WELL, CONSIDERING SOME OF THE OTHER THINGS I'VE DONE.
YEAH, BUT THAT WAS FOR FUN! YOU'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
[ Chuckling .]
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFULLY NAIVE, MIKEY.
IT'S BUSINESS.
YOU FUCK, OR YOU GET FUCKED.
YEAH, ONLY, WHICH END ARE YOU ON? JUSTIN? HONEY, PLEASE! I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO COME WITH ME.
WHERE? TO SEE ANOTHER SHRINK? IT'S A SURPRISE.
I'M NOT INTERESTED.
[ Beeping Of Car Door .]
JENNIFER: YOU STOP RIGHT THERE! STOP RUNNING FROM ME, BECAUSE I'M NOT RUNNING FROM YOU! I'M STILL YOUR MOTHER, AND YOU'RE STILL MY SON, AND I STILL LOVE YOU.
[ Grunt Of Disbelief .]
WHAT'S THIS? A GET-WELL BASKET.
BEN-GAY, ASPIRIN, HOT WATER BOTTLE.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR A PULLED MUSCLE.
THAT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU, TRACY.
AT "BIG Q" WE GUARANTEE FULL MONEY BACK IF YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED.
[ Chuckling .]
I HOPE YOU WON'T BE NEEDING ALL THAT.
OH, HI! HI.
HOW'S YOUR NECK? UH, IT'S STILL A LITTLE SORE, BUT, UH, MUCH BETTER.
I THINK YOU DID THE TRICK.
GOOD TO HEAR.
UH, TRACY, THIS IS DR.
CAMERON, THE CHIROPRACTOR YOU SENT ME TO.
-THANKS FOR THE REFERRAL, TRACY.
-THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF MIKE.
WELL, I SHOULD GO AND TAKE CARE OF MY CASH REGISTER.
BYE! SHE'S CUTE.
YEAH.
WHAT A COINCIDENCE, RUNNING INTO YOU HERE.
WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY A COINCIDENCE.
YOU TOLD ME WHERE YOU WORKED, REMEMBER? OH, YEAH.
RIGHT.
WELL, THAT'S REALLY NICE, COMING ALL THIS WAY JUST TO SEE HOW I AM.
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY PATIENTS' HEALTH AND WELL-BEING.
[ Chuckle .]
I ALSO WANTED TO GET A NEW SCREWDRIVER.
OH, WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE THE HARDWARE DEPARTMENT IS.
[ Chuckle .]
WE HAVE A COMPLETE LINE OF TOOLS, ALL AT EVERYDAY LOW PRICES.
AND I WANTED TO, UH, ASK IF YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
HUH? DINNER.
YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU SIT AT A TABLE AND EAT FOOD FROM A PLATE? MARLEY: MIKE? THERE ARE THESE TWO BRATS CLIMBING UP THE SOFT DRINK DISPLAY.
[ Chuckle .]
SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR SUPERMAN.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? ABOUT WHAT? I THINK I JUST ASKED YOU OUT.
YOU MEAN YOU'RE-- YEAH.
I-I HOPE YOU ARE TOO.
[ Whispering .]
I HAVE TO BE REALLY CAREFUL.
NO ONE HERE KNOWS.
HOW DID YOU? REMEMBER THAT LITTLE PROBLEM YOU HAD ON MY TABLE? YEAH, BUT YOU SAID THAT EVEN HAPPENS TO FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
[ Whispering .]
ONLY THE GAY ONES.
[ Chuckling .]
JENNIFER: JUSTIN, I HAVE SO MISSED COMING HERE WITH YOU.
THE VAN GOGHS AND THE HOPPERS.
YOU KNOW, IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, YOU WOULDN'T BE AN ARTIST.
I MEAN, I ENCOURAGED YOU.
[ Snickering .]
HEY, AFTER WE'RE DONE, YOU WANT TO SHARE A PIECE OF THAT INCREDIBLE CHOCOLATE CAKE, LIKE WE USED TO? YEAH, SURE.
OH, JUSTIN.
LOOK.
MY FAVORITE.
REMEMBER? NO.
JENNIFER: I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOU.
I EVEN PUT IT ON YOUR BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT.
MOM, I GOTTA USE THE BATHROOM.
OKAY, HONEY.
I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
A DOCTOR? A CHIROPRACTOR.
ALL THAT COUNTS IS A LITTLE WHITE JACKET AT A COMFORTABLE MID-THIGH LENGTH.
IT'S EVERY MOTHER'S DREAM.
JUST BE SURE NOT TO TELL MINE.
I DON'T NEED HER TO KNOW EVERY TIME I GO OUT.
"EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT" IS ONCE A YEAR.
THANKS FOR KEEPING COUNT.
ACCOUNTING IS MY LIFE.
SO WHAT'S HE LIKE? OLD.
WHAT'S OLD? OLDER THAN YOU.
PROBABLY 40.
THAT IS OLD.
EMMETT: ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY DON'T COME AS QUICK, AND THEY HAVE LOTS OF MONEY.
SO WHERE'S HE TAKING YOU? SOMEPLACE CALLED PAPPAGANO.
[ Choking .]
I HOPE HE'S PAYING! IS IT EXPENSIVE? A MEDIUM-PRICED ENTREE IS MORE THAN YOUR TAX RETURN.
SHIT.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? I DON'T KNOW.
THIS? OKAY, A DOCTOR IS TAKING YOU TO ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE RESTAURANTS IN PITTSBURGH, AND YOU'RE GOING LIKE THAT? NOT IN THIS UNIVERSE.
AS A MEN'S APPAREL PROFESSIONAL, IT IS MY SWORN DUTY TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE PROPERLY ATTIRED.
NOW, PUT DOWN CAPTAIN AMERICA AND COME WITH ME.
I'M SOAKING HERE! OH, SHUT UP! WHO DID THIS THING TO YOU? OH, LET ME GUESS, EMMETT DE LA RENTA? I SHOULD HAVE JUST WORN MY JEANS, BUT HE SAID, "NO! YOU CAN'T GO ON A DATE LIKE THAT!" YOU'VE GOT A DATE? YEAH.
ADATE? MIKEY'S GOT A DATE! I'M GONNA CALL AND CANCEL.
THE FUCK YOU ARE! WELL, I CAN'T GO LIKE THIS! YOU'RE RIGHT.
HERE, TRY THIS.
- ARE YOU SURE? - I'VE GOT DOZENS OF THEM.
IT'S WEIRD GOING ON A DATE.
BRIAN: MAKE SURE HE OPENS THE CAR DOOR FOR YOU AND PULLS YOUR CHAIR OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
IT'S SO HETERO.
YOU EVER BEEN ON A REAL DATE? ONCE.
I ENDED UP FUCKING THE WAITER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR SAY! JUST BE YOURSELF.
THAT SHOULD MAKE THE EVENING FLY BY.
WHY CAN'T WE JUST FAST-FORWARD TO THE SEX? [ Chuckling .]
THE POINT OF A DATE, OR SO IT'S BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME BY THOSE WHO DO THAT SORT OF THING, IS THAT YOU ACTUALLY GET TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON BEFORE YOU FUCK THEM.
WHAT A DUMB IDEA.
WHAT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM? WORSE YET, WHAT IF YOU DO? SLEEVES ARE TOO LONG.
THAT'S BETTER.
SO, WHO IS THIS GUY? NO ONE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I SAID YES.
I GUESS I JUST FELT SORRY FOR HIM.
AH! A MERCY FUCK, HUH? WHO SAYS I'M FUCKING HIM? WELL, IF HE'S BUYING YOU AN EXPENSIVE DINNER, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT OUT.
AND THIS SHOULD DO THE TRICK.
MAKE HIM WANT TO DO THE TRICK.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK I LOOK LIKE YOU.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
YOU ARE FANTASTIC.
REMEMBER THAT, MIKEY.
NOW, YOU'D BETTER GO.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TONIGHT? I'M ENTERTAINING A CLIENT.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH IT? YOU'RE SO CUTE.
IT'LL BE OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
HOW LONG CAN YOU KEEP THE CHICKEN WARM? IT'S FINE.
I WRAPPED IT IN FOIL.
HUH! SOUNDS LIKE MY MOM'S RECIPE.
COOK FOR ONE WEEK, REMOVE ALL FLAVOR, EAT.
HEY.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, HONEY.
[ Sigh Of Remorse .]
HE'S NOT GOING TO SHOW UP.
YOU KNOW BRIAN.
HE'S ALWAYS-- FASHIONABLY LATE? WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN? [ Sighing .]
[ Dance .]
I WASN'T SURE YOU'D COME.
I ALWAYS COME WHEN I SAY I'M GOING TO.
WE'LL HAVE A BOTTLE OF CHATEAU CHEVAL-BLANC, '97.
UH, I'LL HAVE A DIET PEPSI.
WAITER: CERTAINLY.
IS THAT HUGO BOSS? WHERE? YOUR JACKET.
OH.
[ Chuckling .]
UM YEP.
IT'S IT'S NOT EVEN MINE.
IT BELONGS TO MY FRIEND, BRIAN.
I BET HE DOESN'T LOOK HALF AS GOOD IN IT AS YOU.
HE LOOKS BETTER.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
HE CAN LOOK GOOD IN ANYTHING.
HE EVEN LOOKS GOOD IN NOTHING.
GOOD BODY? AWESOME.
WHEN HE WALKS INTO BABYLON, HEADS TURN LIKE POLICE LIGHTS JUST TO LOOK AT HIM.
SOUNDS LIKE I COULD MAKE A FORTUNE DOING NECK ADJUSTMENTS.
[ Snickering .]
EVERYBODY WANTS HIM.
DO YOU? [ Chuckling .]
ME? NO.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
WE'D NEVER-- GOOD.
I WAS STARTING TO GET JEALOUS.
DON'T WORRY.
BESIDES, HE'S NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN ME.
I'M SURPRISED.
I THINK IT WOULD BE VERY EASY TO BE INTERESTED IN YOU.
[ Sniffing .]
EXCELLENT.
THIS IS EXCELLENT TOO.
[ Chuckle .]
YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT WINE, HUH? I HAVE A COLLECTION.
I JUST BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF '61 PETRUS ON eBAY.
OH, MY GOD, YOU GO ON eBAY? YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST GOT.
A MAY 1960FLASH FROM THE SILVER AGE.
"THE MYSTERY OF THE ELONGATED MAN.
" I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS FORYEARS! UH, IT'S A-- IT'S A COMIC BOOK.
I HAVE A COLLECTION.
WELL, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.
IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME I FIND ONE, I'M A KID AGAIN, UP IN MY OLD ROOM.
THE MYSTERY OF THE PERPETUAL BOY.
TO THE FLASH.
THE FLASH.
GO ON.
TAKE IT OFF.
EVERYTHING.
MARVIN: W-WAIT.
COULD YOU GO A LITTLE SLOWER? OH, YOU WANT A SHOW? UH-HUH.
SURE, WHY NOT? STOP.
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY.
I KNOW.
[ Ringing Of Telephone .]
[ Ringing Of Telephone .]
ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT? SHIT! [ Grunt Of Pain .]
YES? WHAT IS IT? WELL, HOW IS SHE? IS SHE BADLY HURT? LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HANDLE IT.
I'M IN A MEETING.
NO, THERE'S NO WAY I CAN LEAVE! LOOK, I JUST TOLD YOU.
I'VE GOT TOO MUCH GOING ON.
LOOK, TELL HER I LOVE HER, AND I'LL BE HOME TOMORROW, OKAY? [ Hanging Up Of Phone .]
SO WHERE WERE WE? IS SOMEONE HURT? YEAH, THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.
SHE BROKE HER ARM PLAYING BASKETBALL.
- SOUNDS SERIOUS.
- SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
- SHE WAS ASKING FOR YOU.
SHE WANTS YOU TO COME HOME.
- SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.
WHAT? THAT YOU'RE DOWN ON YOUR KNEES SUCKING COCK? THERE'S NOTHING THAT I CAN DO ANYWAY.
I CAN.
COULD YOU PREPARE MR.
TELSON'S BILL? HE'LL BE CHECKING OUT IMMEDIATELY.
COULD YOU HAVE A CAR WAITING TO TAKE HIM TO THE AIRPORT? YOUR VISIT TO QUEER WORLD'S OVER, MARVIN.
BETTER GO BACK TO YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND $30 MILLION-A-YEAR BUSINESS.
YOU'D BE A FOOL TO THROW THAT AWAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT AS SMART AS I THOUGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL RYDER WHEN HE ASKS WHY YOU DIDN'T GET THE ACCOUNT? I'LL TELL HIM WE COULDN'T PROVIDE THE SERVICES YOU REQUIRED.
I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
SO DID I.
THANKS FOR DINNER.
MY PLEASURE.
SO, YOU WANNA COME UP? OH, I CAN'T.
I'VE GOT MY FIRST PATIENT AT 7:30.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? I THOUGHT-- I MEAN, DON'T YOU WANNA-- I ASKED YOU OUT 'CAUSE I WANTED TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, NOT BECAUSE I WANTED A QUICK FUCK.
LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU.
[ Dance .]
[ Clamoring .]
I KNEW YOU COULDN'T STAY AWAY.
I'M JUST STRICTLY HERE AS AN OBSERVER.
YEAH, SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW? MM.
SOMEBODY MUST'VE EATEN SOMETHING THAT DISAGREED WITH HIM.
IT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
HE PAID FOR DINNER, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN WANNA FUCK.
MAYBE HE HAS A PROSTATE PROBLEM OR ONLY ONE TESTICLE.
OR MAYBE HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
WHY WOULDN'T HE LIKE YOU? SAME REASON AS EVERYBODY ELSE.
I'M NOT BRIAN.
THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT! HE MUST'VE LIKED-- HE MUST'VE LIKED YOU.
WHY ELSE WOULD HE ASK YOU OUT? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST YOUR OWN INSECURITIES.
MAYBE HE'S THE OLD-FASHIONED TYPE.
DOESN'T FUCK UNTIL THE SECOND DATE.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.
I'M GONNA GO FIND SOMEBODY WHO WANTS ME.
THE KITCHEN'S CLOSED.
WERE YOU SLEEPING? WE HAVE A NEWBORN HERE.
WE NEVER SLEEP.
- SORRY I MISSED DINNER.
- DON'T APOLOGIZE.
IT DOESN'T BECOME YOU.
AND DON'T THINK YOU CAN FLASH THAT SMILE AND GET AWAY WITH IT.
THAT MIGHT'VE BEEN CUTE AT 20, BUT AT 30, IT'S STARTING TO GET PATHETIC.
TWENTY-NINE.
[ Sighs .]
- HAVE YOU EATEN? - NO.
COME ON.
[ Moaning .]
[ Baby Cries .]
YOU'RE FANTASTIC.