Roseanne s01e05 Episode Script

i just wanna see that lumber first thing tomorrow morning, period.
period.
vroom, vroom! d.
j.
, please don't drive your truck on my blueprints.
vroom, vroom! vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom.
i can't believe they shortened me 25 pieces of lumber.
may they rot in hell.
i got the receipt.
i got something that'll cheer you up.
oh, yeah, you got 25 two-by-fours? yeah, and you know what else i got? this official entry blank for that radio station's country-western songwriting contest.
- so? - so.
i ain't entering no contest.
come on, you should do it.
it'd be a hoot.
you're the writer in the family.
you do it.
well, i don't got no musical talent.
you're the one with the trunkful of songs out in the garage.
honey, i wrote that stuff years ago.
you ought to dig one out and just send it in.
huh-uh.
no way.
come on, you're really good at it.
no, no contest for this cowboy.
oh, dan what- what could you win? what difference does it make? you're not gonna enter it anyway.
i'm just curious.
the first prize is a hundred bucks, plus you get to hear your song played over the radio.
ah, i ain't got no talent.
come on, you know you wanna do it.
it would be kind of nice hearing one of my songs played on the radio.
dan, you can no longer deprive the world of your special talent.
maybe you're right.
of course i'm right.
you need to cut it loose and set it free.
do it for humanity.
bingo.
- what are you doing? - getting something to eat.
your break isn't for two minutes.
well, then, i'll go back to work two minutes early.
sit down, harris.
sit down.
you know, you have an attitude problem.
- i do? - oh, yeah.
and i was thinking that we should, uh, work on it someplace outside of the workplace.
where would you suggest, the back seat of your car? no.
no.
i was thinking more along the lines of my apartment.
there is no way that i'm gonna end up a notch on your bedpost.
i'm not coming on to you.
you think i'm coming on to you? - it crossed my mind.
- no.
no, no.
see, i'm- i'm just trying to improve employee-management relations.
- nice save, booker.
- thank you.
what's that? looks like a phone number.
let's work on that attitude.
roseanne, what kind of song is dan gonna enter? he hadn't even decided yet.
- i bet it'll be romantic.
- can't go wrong with a love song.
ah, love songs are hokey.
i like something i can dance to.
get down, sylvia.
- it's a country-western station, right? - rOSEANNE: yeah.
then the song doesn't matter.
all that counts is the title.
sis, i guess you're an expert on that, too, huh? that happens to be true.
look at the classic "take this job and shove it.
" - aLL: yeah.
- jACKIE: it's just the title.
you know what dan should really try to write? a road song.
gosh, you're right.
i love road songs.
when that whiskey-voice guy starts singing about highways and byways.
what exactly is the difference between a highway and a byway? a highway is the main road, right? and the byway is the road that runs right along by it.
no.
no, that's an access road.
a byway is a road that goes around something.
no, that's a bypass.
there is no difference between a highway and a byway.
okay? i'm so glad you figured that out.
maybe we can all get some sleep tonight.
i'll tell you what people can't get enough of - hardship songs.
you're right.
there's nothing like a hardship song that set my toes to tappin'.
well, that's what all the best songs are about.
pain, misery.
you know, real life.
my life.
my parents kicked me out of the house when i was 16.
moved in with crazy aunt ina and a houseful of cats.
married at 17, widowed at 18.
tornado carried away my car.
hospitalized for pneumonia.
everybody sing.
mom.
the one and only.
where's dad? he's out in the garage, honey, struggling with the muses.
i need him to fix my truck.
- what happened to it? - the wheel fell off.
give it to me.
you don't know how to fix trucks.
i know how to do anything.
i'm a mom.
dads are supposed to fix trucks.
give me that.
go sit down here.
- bECKY: don't touch that.
- dARLENE: i didn't touch it.
mom, you hear that? yeah, becky and darlene are at it again.
they're giving me a headache.
me, too.
i've had it.
me, too.
they say they're gonna be quiet, but they never are.
yeah, never.
never.
- you know what else? - what? they're always in the bathroom.
they're horrible, rotten girls.
what are we gonna do with them? kill 'em.
nah, then i'd just have to clean up the mess.
i guess we're gonna have to live with them until they move out.
yeah.
well, here you go.
one fixed truck.
thanks.
vroom! bECKY: just shut up, darlene.
dARLENE: it's half my room, too, little miss perfect.
well, you can have both halves for all i care.
what is your problem? you're my problem, you little slob.
- you used to be almost normal.
- yeah, until you were born.
knock it off.
i wish mom and dad had left you at that hospital.
shut up, becky.
mom! she's not here! mother, i can't spend another minute in the same room with her.
and whom, pray tell, are we talking about? mother, please, you know who i'm talking about.
the pig.
here's your filthy, disgusting pillow.
all you two have been doing this whole week is fighting, and i really want it to stop now.
then talk to darlene.
she leaves all her grungy stuff all over my side of the room.
what? i can't leave anything anywhere without her going into convulsions.
there's only one way to solve this problem.
give me that pillow.
and give me that blanket, too.
now, turn around and face each other here.
now, i want you two to fight to the death.
mother.
go on, start ripping each other apart, limb from limb.
and whoever's left standing gets to keep the room.
you know what she's trying to do.
well, i do have another plan.
i hate it when she does this.
- go get the masking tape- - "put a line down the center of the room.
" "and stay on your side.
" mom, that never works.
well, you make it work, girls.
- fine, i'll get the tape.
- no, i'll get the tape.
- i'm getting the tape.
- i'll get the tape.
i'm getting my tubes tied.
look what i brought you.
oh, thanks, baby.
just put it down here.
this drill hasn't worked since i bought it.
i thought you was out here composing.
i tried a few things, but, uh i don't know, i guess i just wasn't inspired.
well, i'm here now.
and yet somehow i'm still not inspired.
well, if you're not gonna write no songs, why don't you dig out some of these to send in.
i already looked.
there's nothing in there worth sending.
don't give me that.
there's bound to be an undiscovered masterpiece in here.
trust me, they all suck mud.
face it, i'm a small-time contractor.
i ain't no big-time composer.
well, this is no big-time contest.
- what is this? - what? give it to me.
it was, uh- it was a dance hit.
in the seventies, i guess.
yeah, the lyrics weren't important.
i was really moved by it.
i was getting ready to give it to you.
oh! you wanna hear something really bad? - is it worse than that one? - much worse.
almost criminal.
i wrote this when i was 19.
let me see.
blueberry fantasy, tangerine dream oh, now i know why you can't remember your teen years.
that marked the end of my psychedelic period.
no, that's the one.
you ought to send that in.
let's just forget about the contest and clean up this mess.
all right, you're the boss.
i'm sorry, for a minute there, i thought i heard you say i was the boss.
what's that? that's nothing.
it's just something i was working on.
hey, let me hear it.
it doesn't really have a tune yet.
- i wanna hear it anyway.
- well, i'm kind of rusty.
let's see.
- i like it.
- you don't recognize it, do you? - huh-uh.
- no? it's one of your poems.
gosh, that is.
i can't believe you saved it.
yeah, i saved everything you've ever written.
except for a few notes on the refrigerator door.
that's so sweet.
- you like it? - yeah.
well, it's half yours.
maybe if i goose it up a little bit here.
- that was beautiful.
- yeah? - you like it? - it's beautiful.
you think it's good enough to enter? i think it's good enough to win.
- really? - i really, really do.
then when we go out on tour, the kids ain't coming with us, right? right.
hey, roseanne, i hear you and dan are gonna be big country and western superstars.
go away, pete.
you really think you're gonna win that contest tonight, huh? yes, we're gonna win that contest.
then we're gonna snag a great big ol' recording contract.
then we're gonna pack up the kids and move to nashville.
yee-haw! then me and dan are gonna buy these big platinum blonde wigs, and then i'm gonna change all the kids' middle names to bob.
becky bob, darlene bob, d.
j.
bob.
well, i'm gonna be listening to my radio tonight, so that song better be good.
go away, pete.
crystal, hand me that thing there.
what? what's wrong? - cockroach.
- where? - there.
kill it.
- you kill it.
- i ain't killing it.
- it's on your side.
come on, jackie, do something.
there.
can we go back to work now? - rOSEANNE: booker.
- yeah.
i just killed a big ol' cockroach over here.
you better take him off the payroll.
you're gonna do something about these bugs? yeah, i'll talk to the exterminator.
aLL: whoo! - get back to work, all right? - okay.
all right, that's enough.
harris, i wanna see you in my office.
now.
aLL: ooh! sis, take the wrench.
let's go.
come on.
what do you think you're doing? - you call that fun, fun? - why are you getting so serious? this is a very serious matter.
stuff like that could lead to the unemployment line.
you'd quit over that? - not me, you.
- what would i write down as my reason for dismissal? uncontrollable lust.
booker, you're right.
the dam is crumbling.
i can't fight it any longer.
- you're gonna have to try.
- i'm a spontaneous person.
- i just get these impulses.
- i like impulses.
- bring 'em to my apartment.
- what am i gonna do about these impulses right now? you're gonna have to control yourself.
- i am the boss.
- and i respect that.
i'm the top guy.
what happened out there will never happen again.
i am glad that we have that understanding.
roseanne, booker gave me his phone number.
program's getting ready to start.
- i popped you some corn.
- oh, good.
i'm kind of nervous.
how about you? oh, my spurs are shakin' here.
i know this contest ain't a big deal, but it's kind of a big deal.
ah, my love, soon our music career will skyrocket.
- i'm gonna have to dig up some more poems.
- what for? - 'cause we need something for the flip side.
- oh, yeah.
mom, tell her to get out of my chair.
dARLENE: mom, tell her i was here first.
mom, tell her she's lying.
d.
j.
, tell your sisters to shut up.
shut up.
rOSEANNE: thank you, honey.
eVENIN', EVERYBODY.
- tHIS IS bILL.
- aND THIS IS dAVE.
- aND THIS IS - dAVE AND bILL: " tHE bILL AND dAVE sHOW.
" well, this is it.
mom, tell her i had this chair first.
- she did not.
- d.
j.
? shut up.
bILL: bEFORE WE ANNOUNCE THE WINNER OF wlfe'S SONGWRITING CONTEST, dAVE AND i WANNA THANK ALL OF YOU WHO ENTERED.
yEAH, BOY, THE RESPONSE WAS OVERWHELMING.
wE NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING QUITE LIKE THIS.
wE HAD A GRAND TOTAL OF FOUR ENTRIES.
- four? - i like the odds.
- yeah.
- yOU THINK THAT WOULD MAKE OUR JOB EASY, BUT WITH FOUR ENTRIES AND ONLY THREE PRIZES, i CAN TELL YOU IT WAS TOUGH.
- just tell us who won.
- dAVE, LET'S GET TO IT AND ANNOUNCE THOSE WINNERS.
yes! tHE THIRD-PLACE WINNER, WINNER OF TWO TICKETS TO THE lANFORD aNNUAL tRACTOR pULL IS fRAMPTON nEWHOUSE.
- all right! - one down, two to go.
did you win yet? - not yet.
- shh.
tHE SECOND-PRIZE WINNER, WINNER OF AN EVENING FOR TWO AT THE lANFORD iNN IS i'm so nervous i can't stand it.
dORIS fISHER.
aND THE GRAND-PRIZE WINNER, WINNER OF ALL 100 OF THOSE DOLLARS IS A SONGWRITING TEAM RIGHT HERE IN lANFORD.
fRANK hALE AND tOBY cUTLER.
- who? - cONGRATULATIONS, fRANK AND tOBE, FOR THEIR SURE-TO-BE-A-CLASSIC TUNE, "dAISIES IN THE wIND.
" - i guess that's it.
- i guess so.
- when are they gonna play your song? - they're not.
they didn't like our song.
- you mean, you didn't win? - dAN: afraid not, buddy.
oh, you guys should've won.
yeah, your song was the best.
- thanks.
- those radio guys are creeps.
yeah, let's go down and soap their windows.
yeah, and we can let the air out of their tires.
and set off smoke bombs.
oh, you do me proud.
how are you doing, partner? fourth place, partner.
nothing.
zero.
zip.
we are pathetic.
let us hang our heads in shame.
how do you explain to people that your song wasn't good enough to win two tickets to the annual lanford tractor pull? you don't.
you move out of state.
montana's nice.
and i hear they have very little radio there.
mom, dad, we're really sorry you lost.
well, we didn't really lose.
the only people that really ever lose are people who never try.
at least we tried.
and got crushed.
oh, stop.
- we're never gonna hear your song.
- why don't you sing it for us.
dare you? well, shuckins, kids.
why not? gather 'round, young'uns.
pa's gonna sing us a little ditty.
whoo! yay! - mmm.
- hey, mom, here's one of your early earrings.
oh, wow.
peace, love, and sisterhood.
can't find the other one.
i know, i lost it at a protest march.
you were in a protest march? your mother was at all of the protest marches.
what were you protesting? oh, the usual- war, violence, mass communications.
this is neat.
that's a mood ring i bought your mom.
yeah, back when i was in a good mood.
can i have it? - well - can i have this earring? well, my daughters, since you have not maimed, killed, or abused each other in the last 24 hours, i will bestow these gifts on you as a token of my gratitude.
- thanks, mom.
- yeah, thanks.
dan, why do we keep all of this junk? maybe we should throw it out.
you can't throw this stuff out.
this is our life.
yeah.
i think we're in big trouble.