Seinfeld s01e05 Episode Script

Went to dinner the other night, check came at the end of the meal.
Never liked the "check at the end of the meal" system.
Money's a different thing before you eat.
Before you eat, money has no value.
You don't care when you're hungry.
You sit down in a restaurant, you're the ruler of an empire.
" More drinks! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly.
It will be the greatest meal of our lives.
" Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open you got the napkins destroyed cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes.
Then the check comes at that moment.
People are always upset, you know? They're mystified by the check.
"What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now.
Why are we buying all this food?" I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humour.
I never heard him say anything funny.
It's common sense.
He's got super strength, super speed.
I'm sure he's got super humour.
You would think that, but either you're born with humour or you're not.
It's not gonna change.
Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth? I don't know.
But he ain't funny.
Hi.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry I'm late.
No problem.
I dropped a grape.
- What? - I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared.
I couldn't find it.
I was I was literally on my knees for 10 minutes looking for this stupid grape.
I have no idea where it went.
Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape.
You'll find it.
No.
I'm just getting over an allergy attack.
- This guy I'm going out with - Robert.
Robert.
Yes.
Thank you.
He has two cats, and I'm allergic to them.
You know, I finally meet a normal man and I can't even go into his apartment.
Of course, my apartment is The Actors' Studio so we can't go there.
It's really causing a lot of problems, you know? He won't even go away for the weekend because of these cats.
Guys with cats I don't know.
I been thinking of asking this girl I'm seeing Vanessa? Vanessa.
Thank you.
I been thinking about asking her to go away a couple days.
Oh, no.
No, no.
I'd have to advise against that.
What do you know this woman, a month? You're gonna be with her 72 hours, that's a dating decathlon.
Why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? That really charming place with the with the separate faucets for the hot and cold.
She'll love it.
That's exquisite.
Listen, if it's not too much trouble could you pass me that paper over there? Just the business section.
You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form.
There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle.
They brought in the Army.
Nobody could stop it.
Apparently, it had a pit of steel.
Up again.
This is incredible.
- I'm getting it.
- You're getting what? - A stock.
- What stock? - You ever meet my friend Simons? - Maybe.
This guy Wilkenson made a fortune in the stock market.
Now he's got some new thing, there was supposed to be a big merger.
I wasn't even supposed to say anything.
- You should think about this.
- How high is it supposed to go? I don't know.
But Simons said if I wanted to get involved Wilkenson would tell me the exact right minute to sell.
- You wanna do it? - Boy, I don't know.
I don't have any money.
What kind of company is it? It's called Centrax.
They got some new kind of technique for televising opera.
Televising opera? Some sort of electronic thingy.
How much are you gonna invest? Five thousand.
Ten Ten thousand.
Five thousand.
- Boy.
- Come on! Wilkenson's got millions invested in this stock.
It's gone up three points since I've been watching it.
- What if I lose it? - Come on! Go for 2500.
We'll do it together.
Come on, come on.
We're in it together.
- All right, 2500.
- That's it.
Yeah, can I take your order? Check to the raiser.
My bet? All right.
I'll open with the tuna sandwich.
- Tuna? - Oh, the dolphin thing? They're dying in the nets.
You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.
Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine? Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time.
I'm always waving everybody in.
"Go ahead.
Go ahead.
" All right, all right.
I'll have the chicken salad.
And I'm gonna have an English muffin with margarine on the side, and a cup of coffee.
Okay, what about you? I'll have the tuna.
I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me.
Why didn't you do something? What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn.
Then I gave him the full turn with the eye roll.
I mean, beyond that, I'm risking a punch in the mouth.
Excuse me.
Do you have these in the puffs? No puffs.
Just flakes.
Have you thought any more about that trip? Yeah.
I've been thinking about it.
You know, my friend told me about this place in Vermont.
I don't know.
I just worry about trips like this.
It's a lot of pressure.
It's great.
It speeds up the intimacy level.
It's like putting the relationship in a time compressor.
Where we would be six months from now we accomplish in three days.
So you want to move our relationship into phase two.
Exactly.
I love phase two.
Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency walking around naked.
You know, the presents get a lot better in phase two.
Really? Can we go fishing up there? We can fish.
What, blues, carp, marlin? - Marlin in Vermont? - Oh.
Big fighting marlin.
Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked earlier.
There are no changes after the market closes, the stock is still down.
I know, but this is a different paper.
I thought maybe they have different sources.
Is that my paper? Bad news, my friend.
- What, what news? - Centrax.
Oh, come on.
It's down again? - Two and a half points.
- Oh, I can't believe it.
Let me see that.
That's four and a half points in three days.
- That's almost half my money.
- Hey, I told you.
- Yeah, you told me.
- It's all manipulated with junk bonds.
You can't win.
There's one thing I don't understand.
Why does it please you? George Costanza, please.
I'm just telling you to get rid of that stock now! George, what's going on? Sell them! Just say, "I'm selling!" Well, where is the guy? Nothing? Almost half my money's gone.
Well, call me right back.
Nobody can reach Wilkenson, he hasn't been in his office in three days.
I can't believe you put your money in that Centrax.
You could have invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.
The roll-out tie dispenser.
- What was that? - Okay.
You're in a restaurant.
You got a very big meeting coming up.
- Okay.
- "Oh, man!" You got mustard on your tie.
- Oh, no.
- You just tear it off and you got a new one right here.
Then, you're gone.
You're gone, all right.
Hey, where you going? You gonna take a trip? The map Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa for a few days.
Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.
- What friends? - Just people I met at a rock concert.
You mind if they use your bed? Because they're good people, Jerry.
You know, they're anarchists.
They're They're huge.
George, what? You're kidding.
Well, what's wrong? So, what are we gonna do? Great.
All right, I'll speak to you later.
Wilkenson, the guy who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock he's in the hospital.
You don't know what's wrong with him? All Simons was able to find out is that he's in the hospital.
Okay, fine.
Has Simons been in touch with him? Of course he's been in touch with him.
He left two messages.
He hasn't heard back yet, that's all.
Well, this is it.
I'm selling.
Just give it a little more time.
I never should've gotten involved with this, I'm a nervous wreck l'm not cut out for investing.
All right.
That's it.
I'm gonna go down there.
- Where? - To the hospital.
- The hospital? - I'm gonna find out what's going on.
Are you nuts? You don't even know the guy.
So what? I'll start talking to him, you know casual, I'll work my way around to it.
What if he's in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? "How you feeling, Mr.
Wilkenson? By the way, what's happening with Centrax?" Maybe he's there resting.
Who goes to a hospital to rest? What are you, a doctor? Okay, fine.
When are you going down there? Today.
I'm going today.
Just don't do anything until you hear from me.
All right.
Boy, I have to get to a bathroom.
- May I help you? - Yeah, I picked up this shirt yesterday.
It's completely shrunk.
There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
- When did you bring it in? - What's the difference? Look.
Do you see the size of this shirt? - You got a receipt? - I can't find the receipt.
- You should get the receipt.
- Look, forget the receipt.
Even if I had the receipt, look at it.
It's a hand puppet.
What am I gonna do with this? Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt? What do you think, this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? Forget money.
I don't even want the money.
I just once would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault.
That's what I want.
I want an admission of guilt.
Maybe you asked for it to be washed.
No.
Dry-cleaned.
Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing You shrunk it.
You know you shrunk it.
Just tell me you shrunk it.
I shrunk it.
I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner: "Well, it's ruined.
" Of course the dry cleaner can respond: "It's not our fault.
We're not responsible.
We just ruin the clothes.
That ends our legal obligation.
" See, the whole problem with dry-cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible.
Right? They're cleaning our clothes but they're not getting anything wet.
It's all dry.
I know there's gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids they're using.
There's no such thing as dry-cleaning.
When you get something on your shirt, ever try and get it off like that? That's dry-cleaning.
I don't think that's what they're doing, have 80 guys going: "Come on.
Hurry up.
There's a lot of shirts today.
" - Bless you.
- Thank you.
What evidence is there that cats are so smart anyway? What do they do? Because they're clean? I'm sorry.
My uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to 10, so don't give me hygiene.
So, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I can't think of any solution.
Unless, of course, they should meet with some unfortunate accident.
What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? Well, it couldn't be too expensive.
Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? What do you think, Jerry, you wanna make 28 bucks? I'm no cat killer.
How about we go over there right now and we shave them? I'd really like to go, Elaine.
But George is coming back from the hospital, I gotta wait for him.
But otherwise, I would definitely go.
He actually went to the hospital? - Yeah.
- Man, he's nuts.
Yeah, he's nuts.
You wanna bump off a couple of cats.
I know, I know.
It's down again.
How much you down altogether? I don't know, $1500.
Wow.
You don't have to say "wow.
" I know it's "wow.
" And there's that smile again.
What is that? It's George.
Yeah.
Oh, look at this one by the bus stop.
Jerry, come here.
Take a look at this.
I really don't need to look.
What a body.
Yeah.
That's for me.
Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too.
Stranger leering through a pair of binoculars 10 floors up.
I'm gonna go down and try and talk to her.
What? What, did you go down there? Did he tell you what's gonna happen? How long were you there? Fifteen seconds.
You told him you knew Simons.
Yeah, I mentioned Simons.
Next thing I know, I'm in the parking lot! Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out.
I'll tell you one thing.
I don't know what he's got, but for a sick guy, he's very strong.
Well, that's it.
Look, I'm going to Vermont.
I don't wanna think about this.
I'm selling.
- Didn't work, huh? - Not quite.
Well, what are you gonna do about the stock? I'm keeping it.
I'm going down with the ship.
So I know this guy, I'm getting all my sneakers at a discount now.
I know.
You mentioned it.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Oh, God, get me out of here.
What a mistak e.
What made me think this would work? And I've still got another day.
I've got nothing left to say.
Wait, wait.
I've got one.
That's a nice watch.
Yeah.
Do you wind it? No.
It's got a little battery.
Well, that's good.
Well, the drive home should be a delight.
I'm speeding the whole way.
Let them throw me in jail, I don't care.
That's the manager, wanna see if we can get another room? No, it's okay.
So I guess you don't find the separate faucets for the hot and the cold charming? Not especially.
Well, what do you wanna do this afternoon? What can we do? It's raining.
We could play Sorry.
We could play Steal the Old Man's Bundle.
Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself.
What kind of perfume is that you're wearing? Oh, you've never heard of it.
No.
What kind is it? I can't tell you.
Yeah, that's real normal.
Excuse me, sir.
Could I have a look at that business section? - The stock? - Thank you.
Thought you got out of that.
I did.
I'm just curious.
It's been almost a week.
I wanna check it out.
Six points? It's up six points.
- I told you not to sell.
- You did not tell me not to sell.
I said the market fluctuates.
Remember? Look, Vanessa of course the market fluctuates.
Everybody knows that.
I just got fluctuated out of $4000.
That's probably why we're - What? - Forget it.
No, that's probably why That's probably why we're staying here because you lost money on the stock.
So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go? Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume.
James, he kills me.
Have something else.
Have a little dessert.
- I'm good, thanks.
- Elaine, get something.
- It's all taken care of.
- I'm kind of full.
So don't finish it.
She's full.
So, big daddy l'm just curious.
How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told? - I don't like to discuss figures.
- How much? I don't know, $8000.
It's a Hyundai.
Get out of here.
I told you not to sell.
Simons made money, Wilkenson cleaned up.
So Wilkenson's out of the hospital? No.
You'd be surprised.
You don't recover that quickly from a nose job.
Is that still from those cats? No.
I just got a cold.
Whatever happened with that? I gave him an ultimatum.
He chose the cats? They're very clean animals.
I gotta say, that's pretty bad, losing out to a cat.
Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.
Told you those trips are relationship-killers.
Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time.
Get all the money back, could've avoided the whole trip to Vermont.
Superman can go back in time? We went over that.
Wilkenson's got a bite on a new one.
The Tramco Corporation.
Out of Springfield, I think.
They're about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher.
A robot butcher? If you want to get in very little time.
Sweetheart.
No, no.
That ought to cover it.
Just a second.
Just let me peek.
Good.
Come on, come on I'm not an investor.
People always say, "You should have your money working for you.
" I've decided I'll do the work l'm gonna let the money relax.
Know what I mean? Because you send your money out there working for you, a lot of times it gets fired.
You go back, "What happened? I had my money working for me.
" "Yeah, I remember your money.
Showing up late, taking time off.
We had to let him go.
"